[MiSTied] Princes of the Universe, 5 (1/2) (NEW!)
Gary W. Olson
a special short feature, "UFO EVIDENCE vs. Carl Sagan," by Robert McElwaine.
----------
[Opening Theme. 6...5...4...3...2...1..., and we're on the SoL. Crow and
Tom are watching a portable television set (which is turned away from us).
Some sound can be heard coming from it, and it's clear they can hear it,
but we can't.]
CROW: I think it's representative of the Everyman experience. The
disconnected, almost random nature of the conversational structure
is a clear attempt to convey the feel of the Ordinary Experience.
TOM: I don't see that at all, Crow. The dialogue is much too stilted to
be completely explained by the Everyman paradigm. I see it as a
sort of hommage to pulp fiction, where John Travolta and Samuel L.
Jackson discussed philosophy, exotic cultures...
CROW: Europe's exotic?
TOM: Bear with me. Exotic cultures, and milkshakes. Now, granted, it
*sounds* everyday when you listen to it, but I feel, like Roger
Ebert...
CROW: You'd have to stay 24 hours at Denny's to feel like Roger Ebert.
TOM: Crow!
CROW: I'm sorry. Continue.
TOM: *ahem* but I feel, like Roger Ebert, that the movie actually upgrades
the kind of dialogue you'd expect violent gangsters to have, thus
transcending the ordinary nature of the surface of the film, which is
kind of what this is doing, too.
CROW: Tom...
TOM: Yes?
CROW: You're high.
TOM: I am not high!
CROW: Mike! Tom's high!
TOM: I am not!
[Go to commercial. Have a mentos. Return to the SoL. Mike is now standing
between the bots, watching what they're watching.]
TOM: So what do you think, Mike?
MIKE: I have to agree with Crow: you're high.
TOM: I am not high!
CROW: So you agree with me then.
MIKE: No, I think you're high, too!
CROW: Hey!
TOM: Hey, Gypsy, Crow's high!
CROW: I am not high!
MIKE: Tom, Crow...
TOM & CROW: Yes?
MIKE: These are Burger King commercials. There's no explaining them.
[light flashes] Dan Cortese's calling. [Hits button.]
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is trying on one of those old cardboard Burger
King crowns. He sees them and whips it off.]
FORRESTER: Ah, boopie, ready for this week's invention exchange? Hmmm!
[SoL. Mike is holding a notepad and a pencil, above where Crow and Tom can
see.]
MIKE: We sure are. Mr. Crow?
CROW: Thank you, Mr. Mike. Our invention today is for those Mystery Usenet
Theater 3000 writers who, for one reason or another, either omit the
invention exchanges that proceed the experiments, or come up with some
really lame excuse for not putting one in. We've come up with a tool
to help them come up with good, or at least amusing, excuses for
shirking their responsibilities. Enter... the Invention Exchange
Excuse Mad Libs!
TOM: Choose from hundreds of template excuse forms and let the fun begin.
Mike, please demonstrate.
MIKE: Okay, Crow, give me a... verb.
CROW: Emasculate.
MIKE: Tom... a noun.
TOM: Sampo.
MIKE: Um... okay. Gypsy? Could you give us a name?
[Gypsy leans into the shot.]
GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
CROW: Gee, I didn't see *that* one coming.
MIKE: Nice job, Gypsy. Okay, Crow, a noun.
CROW: Leech.
MIKE: Tom, a verb?
TOM: Tintinnabulate.
MIKE: Okay, let's see here... "I didn't emasculate my invention sampo because
Richard Basehart tintinnabulated my leech."
[Deep 13. Forrester is nodding.]
FORRESTER: Interesting, Mitch. It could provide minutes of enjoyment. Now,
as for my invention exchange... um... well, I kind of didn't do it,
because, well...
[SoL]
MIKE: Hold on! [He runs to the umbilical and sends the Invention Exchange
Excuse Mad Lib Book down.]
[Deep 13. Forrester receives it and turns to the screen.]
FORRESTER: Okay, now, all of you. A verb, a noun, a name, a verb, and a
noun. Quickly, quickly!
[SoL]
MIKE: Waggle.
CROW: Wobble.
TOM: Christian Slater.
CROW: Bite me.
GYPSY: Behind!
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: Okay... "I didn't waggle my invention wobble because Christian
Slater bit me my...." Oh, no, you don't, Nelson. Besides, you got too
self-referential with this, so I'm going to make you suffer! Today's
experiment is part five of 'Princes of the Universe,' and I'm sure you
remember how interminable parts one through four were!
[SoL]
MIKE: Just one more part? I think we can do it!
[Deep 13]
FORRESTER: There's also a McElwaine short at the beginning.
[SoL]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Movie light flashes. They run into the theater.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
TOM: What did he mean by 'self-referential'?
MIKE: He was talking about your reference to the Mystery Usenet Theater 3000
writers. That's a meta-reference.
CROW: Well, we're high, Mike. What's your excuse?
MIKE: Never mind.
>From news.sojourn.com!news.gmi.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news.mathworks.com!
>tank.news.pipex.net!
TOM: Oh, tanks a lot.
> pipex!
ALL: YAAAH!
MIKE: I hate it when someone yells "pipex!" at me.
> dispatch.news.demon.net!demon!mail2news.demon.co.uk!
CROW: You have completed your summoning successfully. To contact Satan T.
Lucifer Jones, press (1). To contact Belial, press (2)...
>sawdust.cvfn.org Mon Oct 9 13:09:43 1995
MIKE: All we are is sawdust in the wind.
TOM: That is so true, man...
>Path: news.sojourn.com!news.gmi.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news.mathworks.com!
>tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!dispatch.news.demon.net!demon!mail2news.demon.co.uk!
>sawdust.cvfn.org
CROW: Does the path differ from the "From" line? *You* make the call!
>From: Robert McElwaine <re...@sawdust.cvfn.org>
TOM: rem5?!?
MIKE: There's four *more* McElwaines?
CROW: That does it... where did I put my cyanide capsule?
>Newsgroups: sci.astro
TOM: When are they going to get to the science behind the rest of the Jetsons?
>Subject: UFO EVIDENCE VS. Carl Sagan
MIKE: Choosy mothers choose Carl!
>Date: Sat, 30 Sep 1995 02:05:01 +0100
>Lines: 57
>Message-ID: <Pine.3.89.9509300...@sawdust.cvfn.org>
CROW: Are ancient astronauts communicating to us through this post?
>X-NNTP-Posting-Host: sawdust.cvfn.org
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
TOM: mindset=GOOFY
CROW: coherence=NONE
MIKE: pain=MAXIMUM
>
>
>
> UFO EVIDENCE VS. Carl Sagan
MIKE: Four out of five dentists recommend UFO EVIDENCE!
>
> I watched all of Dr. Carl Sagan's updated "Cosmos"
> programs on PBS during summer 1991. In one of them, he STILL
TOM: ...refuses to wear pants.
> maintains that there is no physical evidence for UFO
> Spacecraft, "just stories".
CROW: Straaaange stories... weeeiirrd stories....
MIKE: Ratliff stories.
ALL: (shiver)
>
> I should think that by now he would have heard about the
> Roswell Incident in which UFO WRECKAGE and ALIEN BODIES were
> found on a ranch in New Mexico,
TOM: Scouting advance locations for the films of Coleman Francis.
> gathered up by the U.S.
> military, and hidden away in an Air Force hanger somewhere.
CROW: In an Air Force closet somewhere.
MIKE: Looks like "don't ask, don't tell" already applies to space aliens.
> The wreckage included materials NOT KNOWN on Earth,
TOM: Like edible Spam.
CROW: Like a good Star Trek: Voyager episode.
> and some
> of it even had ALIEN SYMBOLS written on it.
MIKE: That's what they wrote. In English. "ALIEN SYMBOLS."
TOM: Guess they got that alien wreckage from the generic aisle of the
supermarket.
> All of this was
> witnessed by many People,
CROW: Many Village People.
> both civilian and military. A
> couple of years ago, the TV program "Unsolved Mysteries"
> showed an excellent segment about the incident.
TOM: When are they going to do a segment on Robert McElwaine?
MIKE: It's all about McElwaine, in some form or another.
TOM: That's true.
> Segments
> about it have also been shown more recently on "Sightings"
> and "Encounters".
CROW: Aren't those dating services?
TOM: Are you lonely? Are you looking for that special someone, the person
who *understands* when you suddenly start spouting gibberish and
randomly capitalizing words in your sentences and putting dollar signs
in your words? Call "Encounters" tonight!
>
> The Roswell Incident illustrates a serious problem here.
MIKE (McElwaine): I'm high.
> Whenever there IS physical evidence of a UFO Spacecraft,
TOM: Like rubber tread marks or candy wrappers.
> the
> military always confiscates it, using "national security" as
> an excuse, and then ACTS LIKE THE MAFIA toward the finders
> and other witnesses
CROW (thickly accented): I think we should fit them for cement overshoes, boys.
> by THREATENING them if they don't keep
> silent! (They did it to the rancher, and other witnesses, in
> the Roswell Incident.)
MIKE (thickly accented): You'se had better keep quiet, or the sheeps gets
the business, you hear?
>
> I wonder if Carl Sagan has been pressured by the
> government into continuing to
TOM: ...not wear pants.
> make negative public statements
> about UFO's.
CROW (Sagan): UFOs suck, man!
> It's too bad that so many people accept his
> pronouncements without question.
MIKE: Mr. Sagan, why do we accept your pronouncements without question?
CROW (Sagan): Well, you see, billions und billions of dollars in federal grant
money ago....
> He may very well be another
> case of THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.
TOM: But, unfortunately, McElwaine takes a can from the case and is soon
arrested for public drunkenness, despite the fact he's perfectly sober.
MIKE: "Unfortunately?"
>
> This is supposed to be a FREE country.
CROW: Well, you get what you pay for.
> FREEDOM OF
> SPEECH is GUARANTEED by the highest law of the land.
TOM: I thought Douglas Ginsberg didn't make it to the Supreme Court.
> The
> government (and its military) is supposed to be of, by, and
> for The People, NOT the other way around.
MIKE: "People The?"
> People need to
> know THE TRUTH about
CROW: My double life as a topless dancer in Buffalo.
> EVERYTHING in order to intelligently
> participate in the democratic process.
TOM: They must know the truth about EVERYTHING!
CROW: Like Boy George! What's the deal with him, anyway?
MIKE: Did Bill Clinton inhale?
TOM: Does Patrick Buchanan sacrafice squirrels by the light of the full moon?
CROW: Is it true that the letters of the name "Robert E. McElwaine" can be
rearranged to spell "more beet wine car"?
MIKE: Or "colin beer meet wear"?
TOM: Or "rectal..."
MIKE: No, Tom.
TOM: Aw...
> It is an ORGANIZED
> CRIME for the government to withhold or suppress information
> and physical evidence of UFO's from us.
CROW: You know, somehow, I bet McElwaine thinks the sixteen minutes missing
from the Nixon tapes dealt with UFOs.
MIKE: I'm not taking that bet, friend.
>
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, especially to COMPUTER
> BULLETIN BOARDS.
TOM: And sysops.
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
ALL: boooo!
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
MIKE: And B.S. in a whole lot of other fields, too.
[They get up and leave the theater. 6...5...4...3...2...1. Mike, Crow, and
Tom are standing around the table.]
TOM: Say, Mike, do you believe in deja vu?
MIKE: Well, I--
[Suddenly, the camera backs away through the doors again. 6...5...4...3...
2...1. Mike, Crow, and Tom are standing around the table.]
TOM: Say, Mike, do you believe in deja vu?
MIKE: Well, I--
[Suddenly, the camera backs away through the doors again. 6...5...4...3...
2...1. Mike, Crow, and Tom are standing around the table.]
TOM: Say, Mike, do you believe in deja vu?
MIKE: Well, I--
[Suddenly, the cam--]
CROW: Hold it, hooooold it!
MIKE: What, Crow?
CROW: We are not doing this. I feel like I'm in a Voyager episode.
TOM: He's got a point, Mike. Besides, wasn't this a Python sketch?
MIKE: Okay, you've got a point. [Commercial sign light flashes.] We'll
be right back. [Mike hits the light.]
[Burger King commercial.]
[Everyone returning to the theater as the main feature begins.]
MIKE: Now how do you explain *that*?
CROW: I don't, Mike. I've learned my lesson.
>Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!
MIKE: Two tivolis for the price of one!
TOM: Mmmm!
CROW: Maybe it's just me, but Geraldo and Texas are two subjects that just do
not seem made for each other.
TOM: Like Star Trek and Highlander?
CROW: Precisely.
> cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.
>ans.net!newsjunkie.ans.net!news-m01.ny.us.ibm.net!usenet
>From: cm...@ibm.net
MIKE: Based on a grant from the Ford Foundation.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: Princes of the Universe, part 5
CROW: Hey, you think this part will have any action in it?
TOM: Or suspense, maybe?
MIKE: Why are you asking me? You can't be bored already!
CROW: Yes we can.
>Date: 17 May 1995 02:52:26 GMT
>Lines: 254
>Message-ID: <3pboda$1f...@news-s01.ny.us.ibm.net>
>Reply-To: {Mike Coelho} cm...@ibm.net
>NNTP
MIKE: Hey, who TP'd his NN?
TOM & CROW: Not meeee.
> -Posting-Host: slip38-75.il.us.ibm.net
>X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09
CROW: This... is an ex-newsreader!
>Xref: tivoli.tivoli.com alt.startrek.creative:10535
TOM: What's that, the zip code?
MIKE: Beverly.Hills:90210 this is not.
>Part 21: Corellias Government Building 12
MIKE: Hey, if this fanfic keeps going, the building might catch up to the
number of parts!
> Horgan sat in front of the terminal in his office, and read the report
>over and over.
CROW (Horgan): UFO Evidence? Carl Sagan? What is this crap?
> All dead, just like Doran ordered.
MIKE: All dead and 99.9% fat free!
> Not even the children had been
>spared.
TOM: Let this be a warning: under the new regime, you *will* eat your
vegetables.
> The Enterprise was less than three hours away, and Doran had done
>nothing to impede their progress. These defectors posed no threat to
>him, and he had them eradicated. It didn't make sense.
CROW: Well, at least the author's open about it.
> As far as
>Horgan saw it, Doran was insane, which made him all the more dangerous.
>He had to be stopped.
MIKE: We'll revoke his NEA grant!
TOM: That'll teach him.
> Horgan took his disruptor from it's holster and set it to kill.
CROW: What was it on before? Browbeat?
> There
>would be no more orders.
MIKE: Last call was an hour ago.
> No more deaths, save one.
TOM: No deaths, but he's still going to get the save.
CROW: Things haven't been the same since the baseball strike.
> He punched up the bio-tracking program and had Doran pinpointed in a
>matter of seconds.
MIKE: They've tracked him to A&E's 'Biographies.'
CROW: Hey, look, there's Peter Graves!
TOM: There can only be one Helsinki Formula.
> At first, he thought there was an error.
TOM: Bad sector found in premise.
CROW: A)bort, R)etry, C)ancel plot?
> He checked again and found
>the results the same. Doran was in the library, which was directly
>beneath this room.
MIKE: When not ravaging the government of Han Solo's home world and having
flashbacks about swordfights, Kerr Doran likes to kick back and learn
the Dewey Decimal system through osmosis. Let's join him.
> It was going to be easier than he thought.
TOM: You can just about smell the setup, can't you?
MIKE (flatly): Not me. I'm completely mesmerized.
> Horgan got out of his chair, and left the room. He reached the
>library, and keyed in his access code. All the doors to sensitive areas
>had been code-fixed,
CROW: That explains the gadget on the front of his trousers, then.
TOM: There's got to be easier ways of neutering these little guys than
code-fixing them.
> and Doran considered the library a sensitive area.
MIKE: An erogenous zone, almost.
TOM: That explains the magazines, I suppose.
> "Come on in, Horgan. I was expecting you." Doran had an extremely
>large and dangerous looking sword in his hand.
CROW: Insert freudian comment here.
> Horgan looked him straight in the eye.
TOM: Ow!
> "I can't let you continue
>this. It has to end."
ALL: YAAAAAAYYY!
> He leveled the disruptor, and aimed it at Kerr
>Doran's chest.
MIKE: Surrender, or your one chest hair is history!
> Doran merely smiled. "Go ahead, make my day." He said with a
>chuckle.
> Horgan fired, the blast hitting it's mark perfectly. In a blinding
>flash of blue light, Doran disintegrated,
CROW: Only to return as a blue-light special.
> the sword dropping to the
>floor.
> 'Done,' Horgan thought. 'Finally.'
ALL: YAAAAAAAYYY!
> "Don't be so sure, my foolish friend." The voice seemed to come from
>nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
TOM: Hey, nowhere and everywhere. Isn't that where Ator's from?
MIKE: No, that's everywhere and nowhere. Completely different place.
> Horgan looked around the room frantically. Doran was dead, he saw him
>die! He must have been imagining this.
CROW: That would explain the Reagan Administration.
MIKE: Crow, you're starting to become oblique.
CROW: Me?
> Suddenly, in a flash of blue light much brighter than the last, Doran
>reappeared, in the same spot he'd been in, with a smile on his face.
TOM: And a song in his heart!
MIKE: I see the author has returned to the 'smiling' motif already.
> He
>bent down and retrieved his sword. "You didn't honestly think you could
>get rid of me that easily, did you?" Doran shook out his long blond
>hair.
MIKE: Gee, Your Immortal Smells Terrific.
TOM: Actually, Mike, I think Immortals use 'Head & Shoulders'.
CROW: Zing! Good one, Tom.
TOM: Thank you.
> "What the hell are you?!" Horgan screamed,
CROW: I'm a Who, thank you very much.
> as he fired again, the shot
>going wild and hitting the wall.
TOM: Narrowly missing Roger Waters.
(continued in the next post...)
--
Gary W. Olson sw...@sojourn1.sojourn.com sw...@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
http://www.sojourn.com/~swede
Gary W. Olson
: So where's 4?
It was posted the day before. It also can be obtained from the ftp site for
mistings, ftp.ee.pdx.edu, or from my own ftp space on drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
(login as anonymous, cd to /swede/mistings). Or you can check the web
archive at engin.umich.edu, but I don't know if it's there yet.