MiSTed: "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" 5/5
The Clown
Continued from Part 5...
>
>
> Sam shook his head, he was in great pain. He managed, with the help
>of a wooden hatstand in the corner,
Crow: Nice body, but the acting's a little wooden for me.
>to lift himself onto his feet.
Mike: Startlingly, he didn't have any legs.
> "Must complete...
Tom: ...Soiling myself...
>program..." he said, looking towards the doors of the
>craft. But, due to the exploded generator back at the Project, the
>hologram was no longer there. Sam was trapped, unless...
Crow: ...He could hitch a ride home with Stoned Wednesday.
> "K9... sequence..." he said.
> "Affirmative, Master. Key 3 9 0 1 A J..." K9 began, slowly reciting the
>last few controls which would get Sam home. The TARDIS dematerialised
>from Gallifrey.
Mike: No asthmatic wheezing?
Tom: No trumpeting?
Crow: No vworp, vworp?
All: Cool.
> "About the Presidency..." said Chancellor Flavia,
Crow: ...We decided to give it to Leonard Sachs.
>arriving just in time to watch the TARDIS disappear.
> "Off again, Doctor? I'm sure we will see you soon."
Tom: And Paul cleverly foreshadows something four seasons away.
>
>
> There was a grinding sound, and a blue monolith in the shape of a
>Police Telephone Call-Box appeared in the control room of Project
>Quantum Leap.
All: [Hum "2001: A Space Odyssey" music and then make general ape
sounds]
>Sam threw the door leaver, and fell out of the doors.
> "Quick!" said Al. "Get the Doctor!"
Crow: He's already here!
> "He said something about a Zero room..." Gooshie said.
> "No time." said Sam. "Get me to
Mike: ...the nearest Baskin Robbins.
>the Accelerator."
> "The generator has expired, Sam." said Al. "You're going to have to
>wait for an hour or so..."
Crow: Damn hot water tank. Takes forever to fill up again.
> "No time..." Sam repeated, and collapsed onto the floor.
> "It's got to be the Zero Room," Gooshie said. "But where?"
> "Zero room -
Tom: [K9] Man, you guys'll fall for anything.
>follow me." said K9, and whirred off into the TARDIS.
> "Hell, why not?" said Gooshie,
Tom: Maybe because you're a trained scientist and shouldn't be talking to a
metal dog?
>and between the two of them Al and
>Gooshie wheeled the Doctor and Sam into the TARDIS while the engineers
>began
Mike: ...To form their own strip tease act.
>an emergency once-only power hookup to the Accelerator.
>
>
> Meanwhile, in another part of the Universe,
Crow: ...Life was good.
>the Master was suffering
>from the one most important and destructive force in Creation:
Tom: ...A Hollywood casting call.
>change. Even
>though he was in the Zero room, there was a swirling of the vortex around
>his head. Old faces and new appeared to him, voices spoke in the turmoil.
>Above all of this was the face of the Doctor, smiling down at him...
Mike: Cool, the Whoniverse zodiac.
Crow: I bet Professor Zaroff is a Pisces.
> Then the swirling mistiness vanished, and the newly regenerated
>Master looked down at his body in horror.
Crow: [Master] Oh man, I look like Tim Curry!
Tom: [Curry] Hello, babies...
> "Number thirteen... well, they said it was unlucky..."
> He left the Zero room, and set a course.
Tom: So...that's supposed to inspire tension of some kind?
Mike: [Sigh] Yep. I guess.
>
>
> "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Al asked Sam, now
>almost fully recovered, as they headed towards the Accelerator.
Mike: [Snorts] No! I'm outta here. Tough luck, Doc!
> "Of course, I have to.
Crow: It's my obligation as a wimpy Indiana farmboy to needlessly
endanger the lives of others
>Ziggy, are the co-ordinates set?"
> "Yes, Sam. Good luck."
> "Don't worry, I'll be fine." He salpped Al on the back,
Crow: So is that like a slap with a salmon?
>walked through
>the pressurised airlock-style doors as they were sealed behind him.
Mike: Hey, it's that episode of "Star Trek"...
>He made
>his way to the launch-pad, as the countdown was broadcast all over the
>Project. There was a brilliant white flare
Crow: ...And a nation watched in horror as another season began...
>from the Accelerator, and Sam began to leap once more...
Tom: [Ziggy] Striving to put right what once went wrong...and hoping each
season will be the last one.
>
>
[Commercials]
>
> Part Ten
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> Once again, the emergency sirens wailed at Project Quantum Leap.
Mike: We're huuuuuunnngry!
Tom: Feed us!
Crow: Waaaah!
>The
>hum of the emergency generators feeding the Accelerator was almost
>deafening. The Doctor, lying comatose in the Waiting Room, was in a bad
>state,
Mike: He's moved to Missouri?
>with his body temerature down to Human levels his brain
>was being affected. Sam had shown some improvements after being
Crow: ...Beaten severely with fetid trout.
>in the TARDIS zero room, the Time Lord body he was in responsive to the
>harmonics of the room, however this was just a stay of execution.
> "Sam is now leaping..." said Ziggy.
Crow: [Exasperated] Again.
> There was a blinding flash of blue-white light from the Accelerator,
>and a loud explosion swiftly followed. Al leapt up, screaming "Sam!", and
>he ran towards the Accelerator.
Mike: You forgot your car keys!
> "You can't go in there!" Gooshie shouted, trying to block Al's path.
Mike: You gonna stop me? Huh?
Tom: Yeah! You just watch!
Mike: Make me!
Tom: I'm telling! Moooooooommmm!!!
>There was a lightning show taking place in the Chamber,
Tom: So now it's a Pink Floyd concert?
>flames had begun to lick the walls
Crow: Try our famous flame-French-kissed steak.
>and a dense, acrid smoke billowed out
>through the blasted-open safety doors.
Mike: Dash it all! By Jove, we had the fiend!
> "I damn well can!" he shouted, pushing Gooshie out of the way, and
>diving head-first into the smoke-filled Chamber.
Tom: Ptooey! It's all smokey in here! Help!
> "Sam has leapt," said Ziggy. "Explosion in Acceleration Chamber,
>runaway reaction imminent."
Crow: And they're off! Neutrino's rounding the bend, Quark's coming up fast,
Shroedinger and Plutonium are neck and neck!
> Gooshie ran into the Waiting Room, to find a highly disoriented Sam
>shaking his head in his hands.
Mike: Eww, it's Sam in the Pan!
> "Doctor Beckett?" he said.
> "Mmmm...?"
Mike: Oh, Tammy...Lower...Mmm...
> "Samuel - come on!"
> "What... oh, Gooshie! It's so good to be home..." said Sam, standing up
>and collapsing into the arms of his friend.
Tom: [Sam] I've missed you, old friend. And our long walks in the country,
and those weekends spent at the mountain cabin. Yes, it *is* good to
see you again.
> "There's no time.
Tom: [Sam] Well, fine. If you're going to be like that, I won't show you what
I bought for you.
>The reactor's about to go super-critical. We've got to get away."
> "What about the Doctor?"
Crow: What about him?
> "Al's gone in to save him. Listen - are you alright?"
> "Just about, just a little light-headed."
> Gooshie helped Sam out of the Waiting Room. "It's just that the
>Doctor, while he was in your body, he was in a coma..."
Mike: Trapped in Pretty Boy Dull? I'm not surprised.
> "Oh, the Leap will have fixed that," Sam said. "It's good for most
>things..."
Crow: Killing your libido, for example...
> Another loud explosion sounded, and smoke poured into the Control
>Room.
Mike: [Sam] Oh, that's right, the place is falling down around our ears. Gee,
Gooshie, it was so nice talking to you that I almost forgot. Silly me!
>Sam staggered over towards the fire, and saw Al dragging a
Tom: ...French woman in only her briefs...
>very weak Doctor out of the smoke.
> "Help me with him!" said Al. Sam grabbed the Doctor's legs,
Crow: [Sam] Do you work out? I bet you use the Thighmaster.
>and between them they started carrying the Doctor out of the building.
> "No time..." the Doctor managed to say. "Into the TARDIS..."
Tom: Wasn't that JN-T's book?
Crow: Nah, more like, um, "Inside...", "Outside the...", something like that.
Mike: I always thought it was...um, ah, "TARDIS Times," or "My TARDIS is
Your TARDIS"...I dunno.
> "Everyone into the Police Box!" Al shouted.
Crow: It'll be cool! C'mon, it'll be just like those clown cars at the circus.
> "What - all of us?" Gooshie asked.
Mike: Only the elite will survive!
> "Just do it!" Sam replied,
Tom: It's the choice of a new generation!
>and he dragged the body into the Time/Space Machine.
Mike: Careful, that belongs to Robert Marks!
>As the last technician passed through the doors, Sam thumped
>down the door lever, and the large doors swung closed. There was a huge
>explosion from outside, the TARDIS shook but stood firm.
Tom: o/~ Like a rock, ohhhh, like a rock... o/~
> The Doctor made his way to the console, tapped a few keys, and the
>TARDIS dematerialised.
Crow: This is the same Doctor who had to be dragged inside?
>
>
> The TARDIS arrived about half a mile from
Mike: ...Circle Pines, home of the ground-breaking newspaper, the
Circulating Pines.
Crow: Isn't half a mile just a *touch* too close to a nuclear reactor going
critical?
>the project, out in the desert.
Tom: Huh, not much to Area 51 after all.
>Sam left first, and looked over to the remains, still burning. Al was
>beside him, and the Doctor was behind.
Tom: ...By two, but he could still take the lead in the second half.
> "A whole life's work, gone." said Sam.
Mike: [Anguished] Why, God? Why?!
>Al touched him on his shoulder.
Tom: Peekaboo!
> "At least we got you home," he said, "thanks to the Doctor."
> "My pleasure, I'm sure," said the Doctor, doffing his hat
Mike: ...And thwapping Sam over the head.
>and shaking Sam warmly by the hand. "Where _did_ you find this
>ridiculous outfit?" he asked Sam.
> "Oh, just lying about." he replied.
Crow: [Sam] Right next to that cleaning lady's outfit of your's.
> The three of them looked into the distance, and watched the sun go
>down on the Project.
Mike: So this really is the end of the Dal -- ah, um, I mean this really the
end of the Cybe -- No, geez! [Takes a deep breath] So this really is
the end of your hideous conspiracy to rule the world. Yes, got it!
> "Well, I must be off." the Doctor said finally. "It was nice to meet
>you..."
Tom: But I have other wimps to meet and losers to save.
> "You can't go now, I have so many questions to ask you..." Sam
>insisted.
Mike: Recipes to share, tales to tell, underwear to exchange...
> "No, Sam. The Doctor's first rule: never explain anything. Where's the
>fun, the sense of discovery, in simply being told how these things work?"
Crow: Never stopped me from buying the hint book before.
>he said, indicating the TARDIS. "I can say this much: you are very close.
>Keep working on it."
Crow: Like anyone would let this goober run around with a time machine.
> The Doctor took Sam's hand once, and shook it. "It was indeed a
>pleasure." He took a paper bag out of his pocket, and gave it to Sam.
Mike: Here's a severed head as a little keepsake.
> "Remember me," he said, and disappeared into the TARDIS.
Tom: That's it! The Doctor's real name is Dalen Quaice!
Mike: [Shaking his head] No, no, no, Tom...
>There was the
>sound of dematerialisation, and Sam and Al were left alone in the desert.
All: [Wolves howling]
Tom: What happened to the rest of the Project staff?
> "Oh, I won't forget you, Doctor." he said, and looked into the bag.
> "Ha!" he said.
Mike: I get it now. It's funny!
> "What's he left?" Al asked.
Crow: Us in the desert with no hope of rescue or survival.
> "Jelly babies," Sam replied. He looked up into the sky, to see the
>first stars coming out. "See you soon, Doctor. I'm coming after you..."
Tom: And the reasoning behind the Time Lords' Laws of Time becomes
perfectly clear.
>
>
> "Well, K9, I trust everything has been tickety-boo while I was away,"
>the Doctor said.
Crow: [Rimmer] Yes, indeedy, Listy!
> "Systems normal, Master," the robot replied.
> "Good - now, let's get rid of these clothes," he said, and pausing only
>to pick up the cricket bat leaning against the console, he walked into the
>TARDIS.
Mike: So he entered the TARDIS, dematerialized, then walked into the
TARDIS?
>He cam across a full-length mirror, put the bat down, and took a
>long hard look.
Tom: Hey there, foxy.
> "I could get used to this," he said,
Crow: [Doctor] ...If I was a femmy little farmboy, maybe.
>"but it is a little tight. Maybe
>another time..." he said, and hung the clothes neatly on the hatstand,
>swapping them for his own.
Mike: [Doctor] Yeah, I really should start on the Slimfast again.
> He came back to the console room, to find the Time Rotor stationary.
Tom: Complete with Time Path Indicator writing utensil and TARDIS
Tuner?
> "Eh??" he said. "I didn't schedule a landing..."
Crow: The Doctor schedules landings like soccer teams schedule
mountain crashes.
>The doors of the
>TARDIS were open, and so the Doctor left the craft.
Mike: ...To run free in the wilderness for the rest of his days.
> He emerged behind a tree to find the man, dressed in white, sitting
>on the very same whicker chair, sipping at a glass of green liquid.
Crow: Should he be drinking that stuff at his age?
> "Doctor," he said, "you have been chosen for a vitally important task."
> "That's very flattering, sir," the Doctor replied.
> "It concerns the Key to Time..."
Tom: We've been locked out of the Shed to Time and need you to find the
Locksmith to Time.
>
>
> THE END
>
[All get up and leave]
>
>~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Crow: [On the way out] o/~ La cucaracha, la cucaracha... o/~ Man, what a
catchy beat!
>~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
>
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[SOL Bridge...sort of. The familiar purple, compressed-knick-knack walls
we all know and love have been replaced with correspondingly placed
walls of blank plaster white. Paper plates painted an off-white shade have
been glued to the wall in a in semi-regular pattern. Crow and Tom are
conferring busily as Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, guys. What's up with the new decor?
Crow: Well, Mike, today's experiment had a lot to do with "Zero Rooms," but
failed to explain just what they were. Being the naturally curious
little 'bots we are, Tom and I came up with the great idea of building
our own Zero Room to find out first hand just what it's supposed to
do.
Tom: So we just borrowed the copy of "Castrovalva" you keep under your
pillow and copied the design.
Mike: You took my pillow copy of "Castrovalva"?! You couldn't use my shelf
copy?
Tom: Heck, no. The thing's been played so many times there's more snow
on that tape than in all of "Ice Station Zebra"!
Crow: [Interrupting impatiently] *Anyway*, we built our own Zero Room.
So, Mike, if you'll just shut the door there...
[Mike obligingly reaches and pulls shut the door that's off-stage to the
left. It closes with a sound disturbingly like that of a vault locking.]
Crow: [Echoing voice] And now we're sealed in the Zero Room. So let's sit
back and watch the magic happen.
[They stand there for a few moments, waiting expectantly. Nothing
happens.]
Tom: [Echoing voice, slightly louder than Crow's] So this is a Zero Room.
Nice, very nice. Dull, but nice.
[It should be noted a faint echo of Tom's voice remains bouncing around
in the background.]
Mike: I told you guys, you should actually watch "Castrovalva." It's a great
serial. Good acting, great plot, and nice special effects.
[Concedingly] ...For "Doctor Who."
[Mike's voice is now added to background echoes.]
Crow: Like we don't get enough of women in heels trying to scale
mountains up here. [Pauses and considers.] Saaayyy...
[The background noise gets a little louder with Crow's voice.]
Mike: [Raising his voice to be heard over the increasing din] Can you guys
here that? It sounds like you really optimised the acoustics in here.
Tom: [Yelling] What was that, Mike? It's hard to hear you! I think we over-
optimised the acoustics in here!
Crow: [Yelling as well] You know what, Servo? I think we may have made a
mistake while building our Zero Room! This place is supposed to be
tranquil, not a Zeppelin reunion! I must have reversed the polarity of
the sonic wave flow! Instead of dampening sounds, the room
amplifies them!
[Tom says something, but by now the echoes have built up to one steady
tone that sounds very much like a busy signal that now drowns everyone
out. So now their lips are moving but we can only hear the tone. Mike
mimes he's going to open the door. When he tries, it's no good. The door is
locked solid. He begins hammering on the door, presumably yelling for
Gypsy. Tom and Crow start battering themselves against the door as well,
but it doesn't budge.]
[Widowmaker.]
Pearl: [Smirking] Oh, this is too good! I wonder if I can get Brain Guy to
pipe some Starland in there?
[She puts the van on cruise control and twists around in her seat to
speak to Observer. However, both he and Bobo and lying comatose on the
floor. Bobo's head has, in fact, been successfully crammed inside the fish
bowl and it's all fogged up. Observer's in a slightly worse state: his brain
is battered, beaten, covered in fluff, and looking much the worse for
wear.]
Pearl: Oh, for crying out loud... [She knocks briefly on the fish bowl.] We
can hear a faint grunting from inside.] He'll live. [She picks up
Observer's brain and tries to brush off some of the lint. It doesn't
work.] Hmm...Eh, good enough.
[She turns her attention back to the camera and the deafened SOL crew.
She now enunciates her words clearly so they can understand her meaning.]
This, Nelpoon, is your brain. [She waggles the brain like a limp sock.]
This is your brain after I'm through with it. [Now she compresses the
brain between her two hands until it splits like an overripe banana.]
Any questions?
[SOL.]
[The overpowering sound is still making speech impossible. Mike and
the 'Bots shake their head silently.]
[Widowmaker.]
Pearl: Oh, good. Now, about that Starland... [She rummages in a tape storage
case until she finds the desired tape.] Ah ha! Here we go. [Pearl
slides the tape into the tape deck and the melancholy, semi-blues
guitar riff begins.] Enjoy, Nellie Armstrong!
[SOL Bridge.]
[Mike and the 'Bots scream silently and run around in panic as that
melancholy, easy-going, on-the-way-down-the-road Starland music starts
up.]
[Fade to black. The music continues playing as the credits roll.]
>although his outer appearance looked content
>at this result inside himself he was troubled
>secretly knowing this was not the end .
* * * * *
Original text of "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" is property of Paul Harman
and used with permission from the author.
Original text of "A Crack in Time" is property of David Paulden.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" was created by and property of Best
Brains, Inc. This is a loving tribute to their show and in no way an attempt
to make a profit.
All other mentioned copyrights are property of their respective owners.
--
Tyler Dion E-mail: Clo...@sprynet.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?
"You *are* a fool, aren't you?"
"Only when I get paid. My free-time definition is 'chump.'"
-- from "Doctor Who: Time's Children" on a.dw.c
Briandubic
What happened to Parts 1 through 4 of this?
Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman
The Clown wrote in message ...
> Original text of "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" is property of Paul Harman
>and used with permission from the author.
> Original text of "A Crack in Time" is property of David Paulden.
> "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" was created by and property of Best
>Brains, Inc. This is a loving tribute to their show and in no way an
attempt >to make a profit.
> All other mentioned copyrights are property of their respective owners.
>
I suppose I should comment at this point. But I've only read the MST of Part
One, so I'll keep it short.
Okay, so it hurt to read the MST, but to be honest it hurt to read my
fanfiction too! I'm not too aware of the MST format so I don't know if this
is particularly harsh or lenient (as if!). While I feel that they were a bit
picky, it's all in good fun. I suppose.
No really, I don't mind - I wouldn't have given my permission if I was that
bothered };*)
Ozzy
--
+-+ Paul Ian Harman +-+-+-+-+-+-+- Ozzy +-+ Games Guru & Sci-Fi Admirer +-+
-+- oz...@kasterborus.demon.co.uk +-+ http://www.kasterborus.demon.co.uk -+-