MSTed: Ratliff's "Cadet Cruise" (2/2)
Petrea Mitchell
[Bridge of the SOL.]
TOM: [weeping] Mike, I can't _take_ this any more! "A Versus D", "Better
The Devil You Know", "Treklander", that Rocky Horror thing, and now
Cadet Cruise-- these fanfics have been getting worse and worse and
*worse*!
CROW: He's fragile. You've gotta be careful with him.
MIKE: No, I think Tom's right, Crow. I know the bad movies and bad writ-
ing are part of the deal, but enough is enough.
CROW: It's not *that* bad. You need some perspective. It's just a fan-
fic, you both should really just--
TOM: [leans over, whispering very quietly in Crow's ear] "CONTINUED:"
CROW: AAAAAAGH!!
[Crow runs screaming from the room.]
MIKE: Normally, Tom, you'd get a demerit for that, but I think in this
case an object lesson was called for.
[Enter Gypsy.]
MIKE: Oh, hi Gyps.
GYPSY: What's all the hubbub... bub?
TOM: [with a mad gleam in his... er... dome] The hubbub is we're getting
out of here. No more John_-_Winston, no more John F. Moore, and
*especially* no more Stephen Ratliff.
MIKE: We've been through this, Tom. There's no way off the Satellite. No
shuttles, no transporters, not even any escape pods.
TOM: Well, did you *count* them??
MIKE: Twice.
TOM: Grr.
[Pause.]
TOM: Wait a minute. It's crazy, but it just might work... that's *it*!!
That's how we're getting out of here!
MIKE: What?
TOM: Cambot! Turn on the communications link to Deep 13!
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. Crichton is leaning over and inspecting some equip-
ment along one wall, making disparaging-looking checks on her clipboard.
Dr. Forrester is standing right behind her to one side, peering over her
shoulder and trying to see what she's looking at. She turns and gives
him a killing glare; he backs off hastily with a sickly smile on his
face.]
[Cut back to the SOL. Crow has returned as well, slightly dizzy.]
CROW: [dazedly] I'm all better now. I took all the red ones. What's hap-
pening?
TOM: We're going to let that auditor person know about the Satellite of
Love! You heard what Dr. Forrester said-- if she finds out about
it, she'll shut him down! And we'll be free!
CROW: Neat.
[They all start shouting at the communications link...]
CROW: Hey! Ms... uh... Auditor!
MIKE: Dr. Crichton!
TOM: Over here!
[Cut to Deep 13. For a few moments the SOL crew are still audible shout-
ing, but they quickly stop as it becomes apparent that Drs. Forrester
and Crichton can't hear them.]
DR. C: That reactor is shielded. Very poor technique. It should be pour-
ing radiation into the environment, and instead you've sealed it
up so it's [looks disgusted] *safe*.
DR. F: [haplessly] It was like that when we moved in.
DR. C: And there was this weird banging noise and faint cries for help.
What was that all about?
DR. F: Oh, just the wind.
DR. C: [suspiciously] You're not keeping anyone in that reactor core,
are you, Doctor Forrester?
DR. F: Oh, no! Of course not!
DR. C: I see. Too bad. That'd at least be worth some style points. [She
makes another checkmark on the clipboard.] Now when was the last
time you tried to take over the world?
DR. F: Well... I've been so *busy*... what with one thing and another,
I...
[Cut to SOL Bridge.]
CROW: [distraught] She can't hear us! [normal voice] And she's so cute,
too! [distraught again] This is torture!
TOM: Dr. Forrester must have set up some kind of diabolically clever
anti-demodulating force ray, or a sonic cancellation cone or some-
thing to prevent us from being heard!
GYPSY: Actually, he just turned the volume down on his TV set.
[All pause.]
MIKE: Hey... Gypsy... do you know how all of Dr. F's equipment works?
GYPSY: Sure! When they wired up the Umbilicus I got access to all the
systems.
MIKE: Can you set off an alarm or something and attract attention in
Deep 13?
GYPSY: Um, okay...
TOM: Goodgoodgood! Do it now!
GYPSY: It'll take me a while, though.
TOM: A "while"?! What are we supposed to do in the meantime?!
[Buzzers, alarms, lights, all go off.]
MIKE: We've got fanfic siiiiiign!
TOM: Aaaahhh! I was speaking RHETORICALLY...
[General chaos.]
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
>
>
> Article 13427 of alt.startrek.creative:
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Path:
CROW: Straight to Hell...
> uchinews!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.
> com!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!uunet!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!ruacad!rucs2!
> sratliff
> From: srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
> Subject: REPOST Cadet Cruise section 2
> Message-ID: <CvBtG...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu>
> Organization: Radford University
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 02:26:22 GMT
> Lines: 388
MIKE: [as Dennis Hopper] There's a bomb on this fanfic. If the plot goes
over one mile an hour, it explodes!
TOM: [as Keanu Reeves] Can't we disarm the bomb?
CROW: No luck. The fanfic IS the bomb!
TOM: NO!!! NO!! DAMMIT!! We're all going to DIIIIIIIIE!!
>
> Star Trek ________
> The Next Generation ___---'--------`--..____
> ,-------------------.============================-
> (__________________<|_) `--.._______..--'
> | | ___,--' - _ /
> ,--' `--'Cadet | by Stephen Ratliff
> ~~~~~~~`-._ Cruise |
> `-.______,-' SECTION 2
TOM: [loudly] We weren't impressed the first time!
>
> Chapter Five
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Spying the Excaliber
CROW: Aaugh!
MIKE: I guess Ratliff decided he'd spelled too many words correctly in
the last section.
> in their path the Warbirds split up.
CROW: [falsetto] This relationship is suffocating me!
TOM: You'll come crawling back one day, baby!
> The
> Maine took the one that went right the Excaliber the left.
> The Excaliber chased its warbird intill the warbird cloaked.
> The
> Maine however was more sucessful.
CROW: It managed to do something.
> The torpedoes Diral had perpared
> passed though the warbirds shields and slamed into the warp engines
> creating a massive explosion the Maine passed though the remains of
> the
> warbird
MIKE: ...perforating its own hull in a thousand places as it was hit by
a rain of burning shrapnel...
> and met the Excaliber on the other side.
CROW: [singing] When a starship meets a starship a-comin' through the
rye...
>
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard returned to the bridge after his talk
> with Admiral McGuire via codeded channels. "Status Number One," He
> asked.
TOM: We're halfway through the fanfic and feeling suicidal.
CROW: Yeah, can we blow ourselves out the airlock now or do we have to
wait?
MIKE: Guys...
> "One Romulan Warbird destroyed by us," Marrissa said.
MIKE: No, really? I thought they tripped and shot themselves.
> "The
> Other has cloaked in the area.
CROW: Which is understandable, I mean, The Others are usually modest.
> All systems normal. The Excaaliber has
> arrived."
> "Hail the Excaliber," Picard ordered turning toward the veiw
> screen.
TOM: Hail the "Excaliber"!
CROW: Hail the Excaliber!
ALL: All hail the Excaliber!
> Captain Shelby appeared on screen. "Captain Shelby of the
> USS Excaliber NCC-1703-G reporting as ordered," she said.
> "Captain Shelby you ar going to 'love' our latest orders,"
> Picard said.
MIKE: You know, this really 'bites'.
TOM: Heh.
> "How so?"
CROW: Madly. Passionately. With chocolate sauce.
> "Those three other warbirds in the system are defectors,"
> Picard said.
MIKE: Or at least defectives.
[All snigger]
> "We are to depost all but 6 members of their crews on
> Vulcan and transport them to Earth ASAP."
CROW: Aren't we supposed to return any escapees?
TOM: No, no, Crow. That's for the aliens who look weird. The normal
ones, we let in.
> "I hope you have at least one C.O. to send," Shebly said.
> "I've only got Commander Adin and Lt.Commander Yarr and bunch of
> ensigns on my ship."
> "Personal is a problem," Picard responded.
MIKE: [Shelby] I don't want to hear about your personal problems, Cap-
tain, I can't get Ratliff to spell my name consistently.
> "I'm the only
> one here, the Washington, Oregan, and California are skeliton crews
> with
> Lt.s in command, no help there."
> "Is that Marrissa Flores behind you?" Captain Shelby asked.
CROW: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe.
> "It is but she is now my adopted daugther," Picard replied
> "Put her in command of the Maine," Shebly suggested. "She may
> not have rank but
TOM: She *is* pretty rank.
> she has more exprience than anyone we are going to
> find."
CROW: Yeah, right. What, are most Starfleet personnel in embryonic stage
now?
> "Point taken," Picard said. "Prepare boarding parties
ALL: Boarding party! Wohoooo!
CROW: Break out the party balls, dude!
> I'll send
> 75 cadet to each ship, you supply the rest.
MIKE: 75 cadets to each ship? I thought they were supposed to be nice
to these people?
> Myself, Adin, and Yarr will
> command their crews. Maine out. Hail the Romulans."
CROW: Sieg Jion.
MIKE: Crow...
> "Captain Sela here," Sela said. "Ready to recieve broarding
> parties and beam personal down to deffector processing center on
> Vulcan."
CROW: They have a whole defector processing center? I would've thought
Vulcan wouldn't be such a popular place to seek asylum.
TOM: Well, the climate's no fun, but it's actually got a great alterna-
tive club scene.
CROW: Really?
TOM: Mm-hm.
> "Have you been listening in?" Picard asked.
> "No but Admiral Saavik has been most informtive," Sela
> responded.
MIKE: [adolescent voice] She told you... *everything*?
> "You will notice I am in the process of replacing the
> Warbird symbol on all my warbirds with and old symbol from a auto
> company known as Pontiac
CROW: Do you think Pontiac paid Ratliff for this endorsement?
MIKE: I think if they'd known they'd have paid Ratliff to endorse some-
one else.
> to avoid confusion so beam over when the
> symbol in finished in 5 minutes.
TOM: Okay, let's start at the top here. First, what facilities does a
warship full of defectors that's just been disabled have to change
its markings? How do they know about Pontiac? *Why* Pontiac? And
how can they be finished in five minutes?
MIKE: You're very calm about all this...
TOM: I've just gone completely numb.
> I assum as owner I may come with
> my ships to Earth."
> "You and 5 others," Picard said.
> "See you in 5. Sela out."
>
> "Now down to business," Captain Picard said. "Computer note in
> Log. Per StarFleet orders Stardate 47608 I am now in command of a fleet
> consisting of the Maine, Excaliber and three Romulan warbirds.
CROW: [Picard] ...three '74 Chevy Vegas and several Gremlins. Quite
an impressive fleet, I must say.
TOM: Now the Star Force will pay for all the times they've humiliated
me...
> As such
> I am reassigning Command of the USS Maine to Marriss Picard
> athorization
> Picard Omega nine oh one two."
> "Maine now under the command of Marrissa Picard."
MIKE: [computer] I've had a nice life. Oh, you didn't ask. Bite me,
dickweed.
> "Captain who are you taking to the Romulan ship from the
> Command
> crew?" Marrissa asked
> "Cadet Westly Crusher."
TOM: Ah, they're going to drop him into the drive singularity to in-
crease engine efficiency.
[Crow hums "Fool to Feed the Drive".]
> "Computer first officer is now Cadet Ross Lochard," Marrissa
> said. "Second officer Cadet Katherine Szustakowski. authorization
> Marrissa Beatpveen
MIKE: [Picard] Young lady, I am going to wash your mouth out with soap
this instant!
> one eight one two."
> "First Officer now Cadet Ross Lochard, Second Officer now
> Cadet
> Katherine Szustakowski."
> ^L
CROW: The Winged L strikes again! Hide your prostitutes!
> Chapter Six
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Cloaked Romulan Warbird Bloodfire
> Captain Sardak Commanding
> Captain's Log
TOM: No, seriously, what did Spock find in the Enterprise john? Heh,
heh.
>
> The Federation ships Maine and Excaliber have apparently
> destroyed the Deathwing and captured the Adventure, The Starburst and
> the Exploration. However they are so short of Commanding officers
> that
> the put a 12 year old GIRL in comand of the Maine.
MIKE: At last, someone with a sense of the ridiculous!
CROW: NYAH Nyah nyah nyah nyah! The Feddies play with GIRLS!!
> The Maine, Excaliber ant the three captured Romulan Warbirds
> have toward Earth. Vulcan is guarded by 3 Ambassitor Class starships
> so
> we are following the Earth bound fleet. I have choosen to follow 20
> meters off the portside of the Maine and slightly above.
MIKE: [Sardak] We'll be safe as long as they don't make any left
turns-- WHAM!
CROW: It could be worse-- remember "Battlestar Galactica"?
>
> Outside the Romulan vessel, the Earth bound fleet can be seen
> clearly. The Maine is the nearest vessel. Next comes the three
> Romulan
> vessels. And finally the Excaliber can be seen on the farside.
TOM: ...being chased by anthropomorphic jackals! Ha ha!
>
> USS Maine
>
> "1200 hours Alpha shift is releaved,"
MIKE: To get out of this crummy fanfic.
> Marrissa said. "Mr.
> Lochard, in my ready room." Various staff enter and exit and Marrissa
> Picard and Ross Lochard enter the Ready Room.
CROW: ...bomp-chika-bomp-waow...
MIKE: That's enough of that, Crow.
> "Mister Lochard what is this I hear about Cadet Tanner's
> transfer to the Adventure," Marrissa said as she sat behind the desk.
TOM: [singing] You shouldn't be listening to these Blasphemous Ru-
mours...
> "Cadet Tanner wwas still complaining about the present command
> structure despite several extra shifts,"
MIKE: The floggings will continue until morale improves.
> Ross said. "I beleived she was
> deturmental to moral. So I sent her to serve under Commander Adin."
CROW: [Ross] She's someone else's problem now.
TOM: [Marrissa] Good job, Mister Lochard!
> "Your actions were correct but you should have consulted me,"
> Marrissa said. "I as commanding officer I must approve all transfers
> remember that in the future.
CROW: [muttering] But he *bought* the *car*...
> Please make sure my record is available to
> all personal in order to end such decussion."
MIKE: That way, they can cite specific charges at the court-martial.
> Ross returned to the bridge. "Their is a sensor anomoly off
> the
> portside," Kevin Henderson said.
> "On screen," Ross said. On screen stars streamed by arcing
> around as certain spot.
MIKE: Aww, c'mon. That's way too easy.
TOM: <sniff, sniff> Is that a cop-out I smell?
CROW: Yesssss... there is definately a cop-out in the air...
> "Inform the Starburst, Captain to the Bridge."
> Marrissa entered the bridge. "I think we have found the missing
> Warbird, Captain."
> "Ready one torpedeo set to detonate on impact," Marrissa said.
> "10 percent power."
MIKE: Set the torpedo to "wedgie," cadet.
> "Message from the Starburst," A Cadet said, "If the Anomoly
> is
> the Romulan warbird. You are to destroy it completely."
CROW: By firing at a "certain spot".
TOM: Data's cat?
> "Fire torpedo."
> A Torpedo arched out of the Maine. It impacted the Anomoly
> and
> reveled the Warbird.
CROW: ...naked as a jaybird!
MIKE: CROW!
TOM: Hey, what exactly is a jaybird?
[Mike and Crow look at each other, then just shrug.]
> "Red Alert, All hands to battle stations,"
> Marrissa ordered.
> The Bloodfire having decided that hiding would be useless from
> this point forward, fired torpedoes toward the Excaliber. The Maine
> was
> ingored because Captain Sardak beleived the Maine under 12 year-old
> Marrissa was not a treat. He was wrong.
MIKE: Actually, I think he was dead right about that.
TOM: Admit it! Admit you're wrong! Say it! SAY IT!!
> "Kathy get on their tail," Marrissa said. "Tactical fire
> phasers and photon torpedoes."
> "Nearing Terran System," Katherine Szustakoski said.
> "The Warbird is dropping out of Warp," Cadet Henderson said
> from
> tactical.
> "Following suit," Katherine said from the helm.
CROW: Six of diamonds.
MIKE: Damn.
> The Bloodfire emerged from warp just short of Neptune. The
> Maine emerged in standard orbit of it.
TOM: Is that standard orbit around Neptune or standard orbit around the
Warbird??
MIKE: And why do they always have to invade the solar system edge-on,
anyway?
> The Maine came about charging
> the Bloodfire. The Blood fire ingored it
[All clap and cheer wildly.]
> again going after the
> Exacaliber which had just arrived.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Oh, he meant "ignored".
CROW: Aww.
> The Maine once agian fired on the
> Bloodfire knocking out its shields. No longer able to ingore the
> Maine
CROW: [falsetto] I will not be ignored!
> The Bloodfire fired torpedoes at the Maine.
> "Fire phasers at incoming torpedoes," Marrissa ordered.
> "Target
> torpedoes at the Warp Engines."
> The Maine's phasers detonated the Romulan Torpedoes just short
> of the Maine.
TOM: Unfortunately, the shockwave took out the _Maine_'s bridge and...
oh, what's the use.
> Meanwhile the Maine's torpedoes impacted the Romulan Warp
> engines.
MIKE: Impacted warp engines? Is that like having impacted wisdom teeth?
> The Warbird exploded like fireworks on the fourth of July.
TOM: Hey, bayyyyyybee... kablam!
> "Captain," Ross said.
> "Yes, Number One," Marrissa replied.
> "Remind me to never underestimate a Picard," Ross continued.
CROW: Ha ha... remind me to strangle you later, Number One.
> ^L
> Epilogue
> ~~~~~~~~
> Captain's Log STARDATE 47613.8
> USS Maine
> Marrissa Picard Recording
MIKE: Hello? Helllooooo? Is this thing on? Testing, testing... sibil-
ance... s-s-sibilance...
>
> We have entered earth orbit and most of the crew has beamed
> back
> to the Academy.
TOM: [Marrissa] I'm bored. I want to play with my Barbie.
> Tommarrow my Father and I will be returning to the
> Enterprise. However before we leave we are to attend a press
> confernce
> at Starfleet Headquarters with Admiral McGuire.
MIKE: Some guys named Woodward and Bernstein wanted to ask a few ques-
tions.
>
> Marrissa Picard, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Shelby and
> Cadets Lochard, Shebly and Crusher, entered the crowded Press
> Confernce
> Room.
CROW: And were immediately crushed against the stage by the crowd! Oh,
the humanity!
> Admiral McGuire, the new Starfleet Publicity Chief, was waiting
> as were several dozen members of the press. Around the room questions
> were being thrown around, like: How does a 12 year old get command of
> a
> starship?
MIKE: Contrived plot construction?
TOM: Nah, the same as everyone else-- deceit, trickery, and the "elim-
ination" of a few superiors.
> How did a Romulan Warbird get so deep into federation space?
CROW: Clean living?
TOM: [theatrically] What's that got to do with *you*?
> and How is Starfleet going to reward young Miss Picard?
MIKE: How about a long walk out a short airlock?
CROW: And when is this fanfic going to end when when WHEN?
> "Gentlemen and Ladies of the Press,"
TOM: And beings of other assorted genders.
> Admiral McGuire began, "May
> I have your attention please.
CROW: [Sister Mary Elephant voice] Class... Class... Class-- SHUT UP!!
> I will begin with an anouncement and then
> Myself and the other people you see here will answer you questions."
'BOTS: The third degree! Give 'em the third degree!
> The Room quieted down as the Admiral began, "As you know 8
> days
> ago on Stardate 47605,
TOM: [as Franklin Roosevelt] In a fanfic that will live in infamy.
> 5 Romulan warbirds breached the Neutral Zone,
> destroying the Chicago, the Pittsburgh, and disabling the Brittain.
MIKE: This incident took place near the Gulf of Tonkin...
> The ships then proceed to Vulcan. Once there three ships defected.
CROW: We gave them a stern talking-to for wasting our ships, but we for-
gave them anyway.
> The
> Remaining to two
MIKE: Was worn by Anna Pavlova.
> attacked the USS Maine NCC-17715. One of them was
> destroyed. The other one eluded us intil yesterday when the Maine
> decovered and destroyed it near Neptune. Captain Jean-Luc Picard was
> in command of the Maine when the first one was destroyed, Marrissa
> Picard the second. However both kills are credited to Marrissa
> Picard.
TOM: [announcer] Jean-Luc Picard regarded the action as gauche, and so
did not want it on his own record.
> "The second item on my agenda is the rewards for those on the
> Maine who served with destinction and great bravrey. As you know the
> Maine is one of four Cadet training ships in Starfleet and the largest
> of those. As such it is crewed by Cadets and a small evaulation
> group.
CROW: The lunatics are running the asylum!
> As such it is hard to find a reward for those who served so bravely.
MIKE: Kids are *so* hard to shop for.
TOM: So forget it. Back to the barracks, all.
> However, it has been decided that apon graduation those who were so
> noted will serve aboard the ferderation flagship USS Enterprise
> NCC-1701-D or her successor.
MIKE: I think I speak for all of us when I say: Oh, *boo*.
> These cadets are Westly Crusher,
CROW: Who declined, as he was too busy with his new career as the Dread
Pirate Roberts.
> Ross
> Lochard, Katherine Szustakowski, Kevin Henderson, and Diral Bariel.
> "Starfleet also wishes to reward Marrissa Picard for her
> actions
> in this battle and at Bajor.
MIKE: So give her a lollipop and send her home.
> It has been decided by the order of the
> President of the United Federation of Planets, with the Consent of the
> Commanding Admiral of Starfleet to grant Marrissa Amber Picard the
> rank
> of Ensign in Starfleet.
ALL: WHAT?!
TOM: [blubbering] No. Not this. I've managed to deal with all the
other Ratliff contrivances, but this is too much!
CROW: So, I guess it's now alt.ensign.picard.die.die.die?
> Furthermore, Starfleet Academy has decided to
> give her 15 hours of credit in various coarses including Tactics 210
> which she cause us to revise fully.
MIKE: By adding a description of her maneuvers to the textbook, with the
caption "never, never, *ever* do this."
> "In addition to these announcements, Captain Picard has an
> additional one, Captain"
> Admiral McGuire yeilded the microphone to Captain Picard.
TOM: ...very reluctantly, only after being beaten senseless by security.
> Admiral McGuire sat down beside Marrissa who had been forced to take a
> seat after the last announcement.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press," Captain Picard began,
CROW: [as Picard] Bite me.
> "It
> is my pleasure to annouce today that
MIKE: Stephen Ratliff has given up writing.
CROW: We WISH!
> Starfleet Academy is
TOM: [insanely] Closing permanently! School's out forever! Haha!
> assigning one
> hundred Cadets to the Enterprise as an additional campus to releave
> over
> crowding at Starfleet Academy Sanfransico.
MIKE: Excuse me?
CROW: Pardon?
TOM: I didn't catch that... let me clean my ears out with a .44 slug.
> The Cadets will not change
> the Enterprises Mission.
MIKE: They'll just make it a heck of a lot harder to perform.
> Instead they will serve to further deversify
> the crew of the Enterprise.
TOM: As good an argument as any against school busing, I guess.
MIKE: [McGuire] We figured there weren't nearly enough inexperienced
personnel on board.
> My Command crew will serve as staff and
> advisiors for the Cadets semester stay. Admiral?"
> "We will now take questions," McGuire said. Hands shot up.
CROW: In the future, all reporters will have detachable hands.
MIKE & TOM: [waving their hands (or whatever) wildly] Me! Me! Ooh, pick
me!
> "We will begin with Sir Anthony Eden of the BBC."
> "Admiral Mc Guire, How did the Romulans get though the border
> patrol?"
TOM: [Rush Limbaugh] The Clinton budget cuts. We have a hollow space-
fleet, folks! I'm not making this up!
MIKE: *Never* do that again.
> "The Romulan incursion was a result of the delayed arrival of
> the USS Virginia," Admiral Mc Guire said. "Its absence allowed a
> weakness to develop.
CROW: [pleasantly] I've just received word that the captain and crew of
the Virginia have been arrested and shot, so we shouldn't be hav-
ing any more problems in that area.
> The Romulans used this weakness and broke though.
> The Virginia as you know was solving the envoriomental crisis on the
> Planet Normandy. Now Brian Rather of World WIde Broadcasting."
MIKE: Aren't there any aliens in the press?
> "Admiral Mc Guire or Captain Picard,
CROW: Glen or Glenda,
> How does a 12 year old get
> command of a starship?"
TOM: By slipping through a plot loophole!
MIKE & CROW: [singing] Letting the days go by, water flowing under-
ground...
> Captain Picard looked to Admiral McGuire who nodded. "As
> always
> Rather either you or Brokaw gets down to the toughest question,"
> Captain
> Picard said.
MIKE: [Picard] Next question, please....
> "Marrissa was orignally put in command of the Enterprise
> saucer section, as you know on Stardate 47570 due to her Kobayshi Maru
> time of 20+ minutes.
CROW: Ah, yes, the Cheesy Plot Device provision of Starfleet regula-
tions.
> This decision was based on the fact
TOM: That all the grownups were bombed out of their skulls on Romulan
ale.
> we needed a
> crew to take the sacuer section away from the area.
MIKE: Saucers in the area are very painful, let me tell you.
> The saucer ran into
> Gul Ducat's ship on its way to Deep Space Nine and disabled it with
> out
> recieving injury. As we arrived at DS9 to pick up the saucer the War
> was declared and a dozen warships from Cardassia were spotted. There
> was not enough time to releave her so I assigned her to evacuate Deep
> Space Nine's civilian population.
TOM: Dear God, is he going to recount the plots of all of Ratliff's fan-
fics?
> Halfway to Bajor Gul Ducat's newly
> repaired ship caught up to her and attacked.
MIKE: How come the Cardassians have time to repair a ship and the Feds
don't even have time to bring in a real crew?
> Marrissa defeated him
> agian. When we acquired the three warbirds were needed a Commanding
> Officer. There were just four officers
CROW: So we decided to play a few hands of bridge and let the kids han-
dle the battle and stuff.
> for 5 ships, myself, Captain
> Shelby, Commander Adin, and Luientant Commander Yarr. As such I
> looked
> for people with some command exprience,
CROW: [Picard] Finding none, I quickly turned to a spirited game of
duck-duck-goose.
> Marrissa had the most of the
> people available so she got command of the Maine."
MIKE: Ratliff's press conferences are more exciting than his battles.
TOM: That's not saying much!
> "I had the same question when the Rio Grande arrived,"
> Commander
> Sisko said, joining them.
CROW: Out of thin air.
TOM: ...the hell?
MIKE: Talk about jump cuts!
> "Apparrently Mr. Data volunteered."
> "Who is the first Officer he will lector
CROW: Hannibal Lector?
> this time?" Captain
> Picard asked.
> "Constuble Odo,"
TOM: [Neddie Seagoon] But, Constabule!
> Sisko said. "I didn't think Data had emotions,
> let alone a temper."
CROW: [eagerly] Or even a--
MIKE: No.
> "He doesn't," Picard replied, "but he has lectured every first
> officer he has had."
MIKE: It's kind of a tradition... his good-luck speech, so to speak.
> Over the intercom Miles O'Brien announced,
TOM: Say, how much Brien is in this fanfic?
ALL: Miles O'Brien.
> "Everyone better get
> seated, we take off in one minute." In a nervous voice he continued,
> "Keiko's driving."
ALL: Waap, waap, waap, waah...
MIKE: Keiko's driving? Driving *what*?
CROW: Is the press conference taking off?
TOM: Well, I'm glad something's taking off. Calling this fanfic a lead
zeppelin would be a compliment.
>
> ---------------------------THE---------------END---------------------
> --
CROW: Oh, I see. The fanfic just crashed and bled.
>
> APPENDIX
MIKE: And it's got appendicitis too.
>
> Charactors
> name---------------------- Notes-----------------------
> Jean-Luc Picard Captain USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D
> adoptive father of Marrissa
TOM: Able to vanish from plots without a trace.
> Marrissa Picard adoptive daughter of CPT Picard
> Commander USS Enterprise-D's Kid's
> Crew
> Cmded saucer section tBfB
> CMD USS Maine after Chapter 5
CROW: ...will be nibbled to death by... what are those things? Feathers,
bills, webbed feet? Go quack?
TOM: Cats.
CROW: Yes. Will be nibbled to death by cats.
> Marie Picard sister-in-law CPT Picard
TOM: [weeping falsetto] But that's my only line!
> Theresa McGuire Admiral, Cheif of Starfleet Operations
> Matthew Szustakowski dead, former Captain USS Roanoke
> post-humous medel
CROW: He'd never touch you, "medel". You're dirt.
> of Valor in Battle for
> Bajor STARDATE 47577
CROW: See, "humous"... dirt... oh... [begins to cry] How much longer?
> Romulan proconsil
> Sela daugher of Tasha Yarr
> Romulan Captain
> The 'Nanny' Who is it?
MIKE: A one-armed chicken that won't take "no" for an answer.
CROW: No, it's that big cute robot from "Ninja High School."
TOM: [under his breath] Fanboy.
CROW: Am not.
MIKE: Cool it, you two...
> Beverly Crusher CMO USS Enterprise
TOM: Crusher? I hardly even know 'er! Ha! I love that gag.
> CMO USS Maine (while Enterprise under
> repair)
> Westly Crusher son of Beverly Crusher
MIKE: Currently has a bounty on his head the size of Tuscaloosa, Ala-
bama.
> Cadet
> second officer and cheif engineer
TOM: And chafing everyone else, too.
> chapters 3-5 USS Maine
> Sam Morgan Captain USS Chicago
CROW: [Mafioso voice] Sam Morgan sleeps wit' da fishes...
> Katherine Szustakowski daughter of Matthew Szustakowski
> at the Roanoke's helm at tBfB
> Cadet
> second officer USS Maine
> chapters 5-end
TOM: To the bitter end.
CROW: [sings] Night train to the end.
MIKE: A good friend.
> Ross Lochard Tactical Officer
> Cadet
> first officer after chapter 5
> USS Maine
TOM: Now "resting" at the Timothy Leary Institute for the Very Very Ner-
vous.
> Gladstone Security Cadet
CROW: Dead meat.
> Tanner Security Cadet
CROW: More dead meat.
TOM: Tanner? I hardly even... [Mike reaches over and holds his mouth
shut]
> Kevin Henderson Security Cadet
CROW: Even more dead meat. It's a pathologist's dream!
> Johnson Lueitenant Tactical Officer USS Pheonix
> George Grant Captain USS Pheonix
> Chase First Officer USS Pheonix
MIKE: All three were convicted of misconduct during the Tailhook Conven-
tion in 2379.
> Saavik Admiral (same person as ST II&III)
TOM: Plus or minus the odd lobotomy.
> Shelby Captain USS Excalibur
MIKE: Last seen on the corner of Telegraph and University, wearing a
Stanford T-shirt.
> Sardak Commander of the Romulan Warbird
> Bloodfire
> Thinks young human girls are unworthy
> of
> notice
CROW: Thinks love is a lie and luck is a jade.
TOM: And doesn't use personal pronouns.
MIKE: Hmm, that's everyone.
CROW: Hey, what about the Tactical Officer? Gyp!
TOM: Yeah! She was the glue that held this fanfic together!
>
>
> The Ships
CROW: [exasperated] Does he *have* to go through with this?
MIKE: It's a sign of devotion to Star Trek. Kind of like taking a pil-
grimage to Jerusalem on your knees.
> Name--------------- REG------- CMD
> USS Maine NCC-17715 CPT Jean-Luc Picard
> Marrissa Picard
> USS Excaliber NCC-1703-G CPT Shelby
TOM: Strange women lying in ponds distributing Galaxy-class starships is
no basis for a system of government!
> Deathwing Romulan ?
> Bloodfire Romulan Sardak
> Adventure Romulan De Sela
> CMD Darryll Adin
MIKE: Romulan De?
> Exploration Romulan De Unknown
> LCD Tasha Yarr
CROW: [singing] Romulan De-oh! Deeeee-oh!
TOM: [singing] Fanfic come and me want to go home!
> Starbrust
MIKE: Stephen Starbrust?
> Romulan De Unknown
> CPT Jean Luc Picard
ALL: [singing] Romulan De! Is-a De-oh! Fanfic come and we wanna go home!
> USS Chicago NCC-1920 CPT Sam Morgan
> USS Pheonix NCC-65420 CPT George Grant
CROW: Okay, that's *got* to be it.
[They all get up and start out.]
>
> Stephen's Notes
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOM: What the-- "Stephen's Notes"?
MIKE: Geez, next thing you know we're going to have to read his poetry
or something!
[They all sit down again, muttering and grumbling.]
TOM: Apparently he thinks this is _Lord of the Rings_.
CROW: _Bored of the Rings_ is more like it.
> Battle of Bajor-
> Opening battle of the Second Cardassian-Federation War. 12
> Cardassains warships under Gul Ducat attacked Bajor and Deep Space
> Nine
> They were defeated by a force of 7 starships unser Jean-Luc Picard.
MIKE: And a little girl in command of a starship... no, really, I'm not
kidding. Why, yes, I consider this serious fiction...
>
> Kabayshi Maru versions-
> (Currently in use)
> Borg version 2.0
> Cardassian 3.6
> Romulan 5.1
TOM: Threes, revision 1.1.
> (Out of use)
> Borg v. 1.0
CROW: Godzilla vs. Borg.
> Cardassian 1.0 1.1
MIKE: Pi.
TOM: 401-k.
> 1.3 2.0 2.1 2.3
CROW: The Hubble Constant.
MIKE: Aleph-null.
> 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5
CROW: ...and a 4.1 from the French judge.
MIKE: They just never could get the Cardassians right, could they?
TOM: Definitely Microsoft's work. I can smell it.
> Klingon 1.0 1.1 1.2
CROW: Square root of 2.
TOM: i.
> 1.3 1.4 2.0 2.1
MIKE: e.
CROW: Avogadro's number.
> 2.2 3.0 3.1 4.0
TOM: Registering this week on the Calaveras fault...
> Romulan 1.0 2.0 3.0
CROW: Babylon 5.
MIKE: Deep Space 9.
> 4.0 5.0
>
CROW: All of these currently require Windows 30.0 or higher.
TOM: All except for Klingon 1.0.
CROW: Really? Why?
TOM: Klingon 1.0 was written in DBase.
CROW: D'oh!
> Kabayshi Maru version Romulan 5.1-
> No win senerio.
TOM: Kind of like the one we're in right now.
> Romulan warships as of stardate 45570
MIKE: ...do *what* as of stardate 45570? Have side impact airbags stan-
dard, or what?
>
> Kid's Crew -
TOM: [official voice] A bad idea. A very bad idea.
> A Group of Kids on a starship who have the right to take over
> by
> the order of the Commanding officer on at the incopassitation of the
> crew a starship.
CROW: What about the incapacitation of somebody's spellchecker?
> The First such crew was started on the Enterprise-D by
> Marrissa Flores (later Picard). Founding Members were Jay Gordon,
> First
> Officer; Clara Sutter, second Officer and Chief Engineer; Alexander,
> Chief of Security; and Patterson Supra, Conn Officer.
MIKE: [Dragnet voice] All of whom were indicted for embezzlement of
Starfleet funds in order to purchase 2.5 million tons worth of
Magic cards. [All shudder]
> The first mission
> was to take the saucer section to DS9 the second to evacuate the
> civilians from DS9. The Missions were carried out so well that
> StarFleet has instuted them on all Galaxy and Ambassidor Class
> Starships.
CROW: Starfleet seems to have the collective intelligence of a rock-
slide.
>
> Kid's Crew, Command Of starship Enterprise-
TOM: [official voice] A worse idea. An even worse idea.
> This decision was based on the fact we needed a
> crew to take the sacuer section away from the area.
MIKE: And the fact that we didn't want it to succeed.
> The saucer ran into
> Gul Ducat's ship on its way to Deep Space Nine and disabled it with
> out
> recieving injury.
CROW: [as Jack Palance] Believe it... <breathe> or not.
> As we arrived at DS9 to pick up the saucer the War
> was declared and a dozen warships from Cardassia were spotted. There
> was not enough time to releave her so I assigned her to evacuate Deep
> Space Nine's civilian population.
TOM: Wait, *you* assigned her?
CROW: I think Mr. Ratliff has been sitting a bit too close to the TV
here.
> Halfway to Bajor Gul Ducat's newly
> repaired ship caught up to her and attacked. Marrissa defeated him
> agian.
TOM: By challenging him to a game of Mousetrap.
CROW: Oh, defeating highly trained generals is so *passe*.
>
> Lochard, Ross-
> Starfleet Security Cadet. C- on REG.
MIKE: Now why is he being so hard on poor Barclay, anyway?
TOM: I think he's referring to Blank Reg.
MIKE: Oh. [pause] *Huh*?
> quote
> "Never underestimate a Picard." Marrissa's Number One.
CROW: Has been painful ever since the operation.
>
> Picard, Marrissa -
> After being trapped in the trubolift Marrissa (then Flores)
> with
> Captain Picard she got interested in starship Command. She started a
> club called the Kid's crew.
TOM: [documentary voice] Whose infamous hazing rituals left behind a
string of disfigured corpses.
> The test for command of the kid's crew was
> the Kabayshi Maru test version Romulan 5.1. Her time was 21:35.01.
> Her parents Lt & Ens Flores were in security. They died boarding the
> Enterprise-C.
MIKE: But, that's life for a daughter of two redshirts.
> Marrissa at the time of her parents deaths was taking the
> saucer section to DS9 (1). She arrived 3 days before the Battle for
> Bajor (2).
CROW: What's with the numbers?
TOM: I am not a number, I am a free man!
> Her actions in Capturing a Cardassian warship inside
> federation space and in the Battle of Bajor as well as the Kid's Crew
> lead to offical rules and regulations supporting such crews. She was
> adopted by Captain Jean-Luc Picard on StarDate 47578
> SEE ALSO
> (1) Kid's Crew
> (2) Battle of Bajor
CROW: You see them also. I'm bitter.
>
> Szustakowski, Katherine-
> Conn Officer on the Roanoke (visiting her father during spring
> break)
MIKE: Instead of boozing it up with the other cadets on Risa.
TOM: Well, Kathy never really fit in. Starfleet will punish her for
that in the end.
> she piloted the Roanoke well enough to make Captain Picard Place
CROW: Captain Picard Place? That's next to Boardwalk, right?
> her on he list of Cadets to request. First Officer Walsky of the
> Raonoke noted that even though her father was dieing on the bridge she
> still piloted the ship with destinction.
MIKE: [fatherly tone] Honey, just let up on the gas a little--
TOM: [Katie Ka-Boom] I am NOT OVERREACTING!
> Awarded Metal of Honor
MIKE: "Metal" of Honor?
CROW: Judas Priest rules!
ALL: [singing-- sort of] Breakin' the law! Breaking the law!
>
> END Cadet Cruise
[All just sit there for several moments.]
> part 1 of Who Q? Where Q?
CROW: What Q? When Q? Why Q? And how Q?
> follows
TOM: D'oh!
MIKE: Oh, he just had to get in a parting shot, didn't he.
CROW: Quick, let's get out of here before the next showing starts.
>
>
>
[They leave the theater rather more quickly than usual.]
TOM: [humming] Will John DeLancie sue, Q?
>
>
>
..6...5...4...3...2...1...*
[SOL Bridge. The lights are flashing and a number of unobtrusive buzzers
and things are sounding.]
MIKE: Are we all set, Gypsy?
GYPSY: Communications systems ready!
MIKE: Make it so!
TOM: Did you have to say that, Nelson? It gives me flashbacks. [He shud-
ders]
[Cut to Deep 13.]
DR. C: [disbelieving] So to sum up, you misappropriated thirty million
dollars in grants and spent them on...
DR. F: [reluctantly] Hamdingers.
DR. C: Hamdingers. Yuck. Now, Fluffernutter, I could understand, but...
Frankly, Forrester, I was ready to be disappointed, but the word
"disappointment" no longer seems strong enough. I hope you have
your resume updated, because--
[Alarms and buzzers similar to Movie Sign on the Satellite of Love start
going off in Deep 13.]
DR. C: [staring around wildly] What the hell is *that*?
DR. F: [weakly] Ah... the microwave burritos must be done?
DR. C: It's coming from over there.
[She advances on the Tektronic console, coming right up to the camera.]
DR. F: That's it. I'm done for.
DR. C: [pointing] What's with that guy and those cute robots? [taps the
console, then reaches over as if turning up a volume knob] Hello?
Can you hear me?
[SOL Bridge. We just see a closeup of Crow.]
CROW: Hi!
[Deep 13]
DR. C: [bemusedly] Hi.
[SOL]
CROW: [suavely] So, Doctor Crichton. You're not, ah, seeing anyone, are
you?
MIKE: Crow!!
[Mike elbows him out of the way. Cambot pulls back to the usual view-
point. Mike, Tom, and Gypsy are visible.]
MIKE: Doctor, my name is Mike Nelson. I was just a temp and I was kid-
napped by Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank and shot into space com-
pletely against my will!
TOM: And they've kept us stuck up here for years! The air is stale, the
food is bad and our cable TV only picks up TNN, three home shopping
networks, CBN and VH-1!
MIKE: And worst of all, they make us watch cheesy movies! The worst they
can find!
GYPSY: In the name of humanity you've gotta shut him down and bring us
back to Earth!
[Deep 13. Dr. C looks astonished. In the background Dr. F looks furious.
His expression falls apart as Dr. C turns to look at him.]
DR. C: Dr. Forrester. Is this true?
DR. F: [suddenly] Yes! I admit it! It's all true! All of it! [shame-
facedly] This project is where all that embezzled money went to.
DR. C: [still shellshocked] I suppose running a satellite that big must
be expensive.
DR. F: No, actually operations costs are very reasonable. But getting
the rights for the bad movies, now that's *murder*. [distraught]
Anyway, you've heard the entire story now. Shut me down. It's on-
ly what I deserve.
DR. C: Shut you down? [chuckling] Why, Dr. Forrester, this is the most
impressive project I've seen all year!
DR. F: What?
DR. C: Shutting it down would be a disaster for humanity. Think of all
the civilian applications your technology has!
DR. F: [still not quite believing this] Oh, yeah! Like... ah...
DR. C: ...Well...
DR. F: ...Er...
DR. C: ...Well, bunches of civilian applications.
DR. F: Right, right. Just tons.
DR. C: I can't imagine why the grants committee ever rejected it in the
first place, but rest assured I'll get that straightened out. I
think I can even get an increase in funds for you to pay for
those movie rights. [admiringly] Here I thought you'd been just
wasting time, but you've gotten more evil and insanity accom-
plished in the last two years than a lot of those drones on the
committee have done in their entire lives.
DR. F: [modestly] I do my best.
[Dr. Crichton makes a few notations on her clipboard...]
DR. C: It's been a pleasure, Doctor. We need more mad scientists like
you. Keep up the good work. If I may, I'd like to observe one or
two experiments in the future...?
DR. F: Why, that would be fine, Doctor. I'll just let my assistant out
of the reactor core, we'll go over the schedule and get back to
you.
DR. C: Sounds marvelous.
[They shake hands warmly and he shows her out. Dr. F pauses at the door
a few moments, then turns around, marches right up to the camera, thumbs
his nose at it and pushes The Button.]
\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
<pssssssscht>
[voiceover]
TOM: You know... irony can be really ironic sometimes.
MIKE: You know... life really *bites* sometimes.
TOM: Good point.
CROW: I still say she was cute, though.
TOM & MIKE: Shut up, Crow.
MSTed by Steve Brinich <ste...@access.digex.net>,
Petrea Mitchell <pr...@mvp.com>, (Relief Editor)
Andrija Popovic <arp...@psu.edu>,
Mark Sachs <sa...@crayola.cse.psu.edu>,
& Spatch <spa...@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu> (Starting Editor)
Host segments by Mark Sachs
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and dead lizards are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. Not intended as an attack
on Stephen Ratliff, just on his writing. This article may be freely dis-
tributed as long as this notice remains intact.
If you'd like to MST some deserving piece, please e-mail <mneylon@engin.
umich.edu> with a subject line of "DIBS-SUB" to join the MUT3K dibs list.
> Shortly after the Uniforms appeared Ross got up to examine them. He
> was rewarded by two liters of a clear red liquid dropping on his head.