MSTed: Plutonium Atom Totality, the FAQ
Kevin Podsiadlik
[ SOL. Mike is dressed in typical Minnesota wardrobe: stocking cap, gloves,
six-inch thick jacket, the whole thing. He is breathing into his hands at
the start, then looks up. ]
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, still here on the Satellite of Love. The robots
and I were getting kind of bored, so we decided to build our own
makeshift ice rink.
[ At this point Crow glides pasts, spins around once in front of Mike, then
glides off. ]
Crow: Weeee-hooo!
Mike: It kinda takes me back to old pond we had out back at the old farm.
Servo (oc): Oh, that's nothing, watch this!
[ A brief pause, then Servo flies into shot from below left, doing flips. ]
Servo: Whoa! WHOOOOA!
[ Just after Servo flips out of shot, we hear a crah. ]
Mike: Ooh, Tommy, right on the dome! [ picks up a pencil and marks a piece
of paper that is lying on the desk ] I'm afraid that's a mandatory full-point
deduction there.
Magic Voice: Commerical sign in 10 seconds. For technical merit, the scores
are 4.6, 4.6, 4.4, 4.8, 4.6, 4.5, 4.6, 4.0. For presentation, 5.1, 5.2, 4.9,
4.9, 5.1, 5.0, 5.2, 3.6. Commercial sign now.
Mike: Too bad, that'll drop you to 10th place. (to audience) We'll be
right back.
[ Hits the button ]
[ COMMERCIAL ]
[ We return, Crow is lying prone on the "ice", arms wrapped around his lower
leg, while Mike is bent over him. ]
Crow: (screams) AHHH!! WHY!!? WHY!!?
Mike: Crow! Buddy! What happened?
[ Crow just keeps screaming as Servo comes into shot. Servo is carrying a
small piece of wood in his hand, sort of dragging it behind him. ]
Mike (to Servo): Tom, I was getting some hot chocolate, what happened?
Servo: No idea.
[ The Mads light flashes. ]
Mike (reaching up to tap the light): Oh, great, and now Joel Furr and Paul
Hendry are calling.
[ Deep 13 ]
[ Dr. Forrster in foreground is about to say something, while Frank in the
backround is concentrating on a crossword puzzle. ]
Frank: Steve, what's a seven-letter word starting with "L-A", meaning
"parasite fish"?
Dr. F (annoyed): Later, Frank. (To Mike) You go first with the invention
exhchange this week.
[ SOL. Crow is on crutches, otherwise the scene is normal. A loaf of
bread and a stick of butter are seen, with two slices of the former
holding up two slices of the latter. ]
Mike: Well, our invention exchange this week keeps with our skating
theme. Now, as we know, bread [ holds it up ] is best when it's soft
and warm, while with butter [ holds it up ], it's usually the colder
the better.
Servo: Really?
Mike: That's what all the good restaurants seem to think. Anyway, the problem
is, when you put the two together [ with a butter knife, attempts to spread
the butter on one slice of bread, ripping the slice up badly ], things don't
work out so well. Enter, the Bread Zamboni!
[ Mike sets what looks like a toy zamboni next to the other slice, and turns
it on. It crawls towards and over the bread as Mike continues. ]
Mike: Much like a regular zamboni, the Bread Zamboni melts the butter, and
spreads it, leaving a nice, smooth, glass-like finish.
[ The trained eye will notice that the Bread Zamboni has rather flattened
the bread, and left tread marks on it. ]
Crow: Over to you, sirs.
[ Deep 13. Frank is still doing the crossword ]
Dr. F: Not bad. Sort of reminds me of the stuff, er, whatshisname used to
churn out.
Frank: Wait a minute, "later" is only five letters!
Dr. F: FRANK!! Go get the "Whack-a-moleperson".
Frank (drops the newspaper, stammering): Umm, uhh...
Dr. F: Now what?
Frank: Well, you see, uh, Jerry and Sylvia, they, uh, sort of, you see...
Dr. F (gently, with unmistakable malice): Don't tell me, they escaped,
didn't they?
Frank: (stammers some more)
Dr. F (oh too cheerfully): Not to worry! (pats Frank on the shoulder)
I'm *sure* the Whack-a-Frank will be just as good!
[ Dr. F turns to camera as Frank sulks off ]
Dr. F: As to your post this week, I'm sure you have fond memories of "Mr.
Venus", Alexander Abian. Now, meet his tag-team partner, the eminent
dishwasher, Ludwig Plutonium, with everything you wanted to know about his
pet theory, but were afraid he'd tell you.
[ SOL ]
ALL: We got crackpot sign!!!
[ .... ]
Article 413 of alt.sci.physics.plutonium:
Crow: Oh great, he's got his own alt newsgroup! That's a bad sign.
Path: nigel.msen.com!yale.edu!yale!hsdndev!dartvax.dartmouth.edu!Ludwig.Plutonium
From: Ludwig.P...@dartmouth.edu (Ludwig Plutonium)
Tom: Does that mean he's unstable?
Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Subject: Plutonium Atom Totality, the FAQ
Mike: *Frequently* asked questions?
Tom: I don't think so!
Date: 22 Feb 1994 09:39:59 GMT
Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH
Lines: 144
Message-ID: <2kcjtf$9...@dartvax.dartmouth.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: at-sn-481.dartmouth.edu
X-Posted-From: InterNews 1...@dartmouth.edu
The Plutonium Atom Totality is easy to explain.
Crow: Impossible to understand, but...
An electron is not
a ball, but instead, an infinite number of dots.
Mike: Banging randomly on typewriters.
Tom: One Warner Sister is just enough, thank you.
Those dots are
commonly called the "electron cloud". One of those tiny dots of the
94th electron of plutonium is the Sun,
Crow: Gee, and I always thought it was so much bigger!
another tinier dot the planet
Earth. Stars are just bits and pieces of the last electron, the dots of
the 94th electron of plutonium.
Tom: Does he mean the element or himself?
Mike: Got me.
The solar system is 9 very tiny dots
with one larger dot, the Sun, of the 94th electron of one atom of
231Pu.
Crow: ...which is equivalent to 1848 ningies.
An electron is a perfect quantum blackbody cavity.
Blackbody---that is
Mike (Foghorn Leghorn): Pay attention boy! Look at me when I'm talking to ya!
why the night sky is dark explaining Olbers paradox. Perfect cavity--
Crow: --you need to use Colgate.
that is why the microwave background radiation is quantized and
relentlessly uniform, and in addition that is why the cosmic gamma ray
bursts are relentlessly uniform. The observable universe is the 94th
electron-- that is why Tifft found star speeds quantized.
Mike: This is "easy to explain"?
Tom: Sure! He doesn't sound like he's having any trouble!
We are living inside one atom of plutonium
Crow: I guess it really *is* a small world after all.
Tom: Previous reference, copyright the Disney Corporation, all rights reserved.
Mike: Do you have to do that *every* time?
Tom: Well, as a matter of fact, yes I do.
and will never
Mike: love.
directly see
the nucleus because it is in planar nodes of the 5f6--
Tom: Oh, now he's talking in hex!
that is why over
99% of the mass of the universe is missing.
Crow: Aw, he's just covering up for the fact that it fell down the
kitchen sink!
One atom which is everything and superdeterministic-- that
explains
Bell's Inequality with the Aspect experimental results. One atom
Mike: 12, One atom 12, see the crackpot at the Red Lion Inn, code 2.
Tom: Oh, but it's a stretch when *I* do it.
<Mike shrugs>
which
is the totality explains why quantum physics before 7Nov90 was
mathematically correct yet simultaneously counterintuitive, i.e.,
strange.
Tom: i.e. strange? Wasn't he a poet?
Once you see that the whole is an atom itself, then the
counterintuitiveness evaporates.
Crow: Once your mind is that far gone, anything makes sense!
None of quantum physics or any physics
for that matter is counterintuitive once you realize that the totality
itself is an atom. The uncertainty principle restated is simply that--
atom parts (we) cannot know an atom whole.
Mike: So how does *he* know about it?
Truth, when it comes to science has a natural flowing
continuity.
Never awkward, or goofy,
Tom: Well, that kind of puts this theory out to pasture.
or in violation of physical law. Violation
like the big bang model, or awkward like the steady state model, or
goofy like superstring theory,
Crow: The silly string theory?
or in violation of physical law like
religion or myth--all of which violate the laws of physics and science.
Mike: But religion and myth have plea bargained down to probation.
The Atomic Fact is-- all matter is made-up of atoms.
Tom: An actual clear statement, will wonders never cease!
This was the
world's first greatest idea
Mike: Before that, all ideas were pretty dumb.
and took over 2200 years to be accepted by
all. Who doubts that they are made-up of hydrogen, carbon, oxygen, ..
Crow: What, we're made up of ".."?
Mike: That's exactly what he saying, aren't you paying attention?
From the world's first greatest idea would naturally flow, albeit after
2200 years, in a continuous fashion the world's second greatest idea
that the "Whole" the "Totality" is itself an atom.
Tom: The third greatest idea was that aspirin is great for hangovers.
Only the element
plutonium fits all the special numbers of both math and physics. The
numbers pi and e fall-out by the number of subshells and shells of
plutonium.
Crow: Fall out?
Mike (Foghorn): Fall out! Plutonium! It's a joke, son, ya missed it!
<Crow does a "digusted aside">
Tom: Previous reference, copyright Time-Warner, all rights reserved.
Mike: ...wait a minute...
Science, when it reaches pinnacle form,
Tom: Will use a deck of 48 cards.
Crow & Mike: Huh?
will answer (that is
subsume)
Mike: Dr. Plutonium, I subsume?
Crow: He's not a doctor.
Mike: But he plays one on Usenet.
Tom: Ba-da bing!
god and gods. For god is just a tiny part (and that part being just an
idea) of the Atom Plutonium.
Crow & Tom: Oh no! Atom Plutonium thought of God first!
Mike: Wha..?
Crow: It's a long story.
Atom Plutonium is more powerful than any
God of the Bible;
Tom (deep voice): I am the Atom Plutonium. Thou shalt have no other atoms
before me.
more powerful than any religion (which is science
fiction worship or dogma worship).
Crow: Dog worship? I've head of some kooky religions, but...
Mike: No, Dog-MA.
Crow: So it's had puppies, it's still weird.
For the Laws of quantum physics, the
laws of science are always obeyed. All religions, all mythologies, all
ideas were mere precursors, just stepping-stones, scaffolding for the
idea of atoms and an Atom Totality.
Tom: Everything that has ever happened, happened to bring about MY theory!!
Before 7Nov90 the 4 ingredients of Biological Evolution Theory
(BET)
Crow: Oh, I'll BET.
were mutation, 2)genetic recombination,
Mike: Wait, where's 1)?
Tom: You expect him to be able to count?
3) differential reproductive
success and 4)
Tom: Trigonometry.
reproductive isolation. Summed-up, BET is logically no
more than that the "fittest fit", a circular argument. Good science
Mike (Dr. Ruth): Guud science, ya!
when it approaches final-truth-form is capable of peering into the
future. BET can only look backwards and assemble what had already
happened. Biological evolution is silent on the future. Biological
Evolution Theory is incomplete.
Crow: And that will bring up fourth and long, and the scientific
establishment will have to punt.
It misses the one key ingredient, the
most important mechanism, that of "purpose". BET needs only the
understanding and application of the ATOM TOTALITY. That the purpose of
life is to make the elements beyond plutonium.
Mike: That *it*!? Life is just a bowl of Nobelium?
Tom: Pretty much.
Nucleosynthesis is the
purpose of life. The Plutonium ATOM brought forth life in the image of
itself,
Crow: Postively charged and negatively charged he made us.
sacks full of atoms which we call our bodies, mostly composed
of oxygen, hydrogen, and carbon. Life atoms for the purpose of
nucleosynthesizing new atoms which the Atom Totality can not make in
stars but only via lifeforms.
Tom: In other words, it's sort of like God trying to make a rock so heavy
he can't lift it.
Mike: Well, I don't know...
Tom: Well, it could be.
Mike: At this point it could be anything.
We humans are nothing more than cold
stars.
Crow: Oh, like John Houseman from "The Paper Chase".
Life was created by the ATOM in order to eventually
nucleosynthesize elements 189 and 190.
Tom: That's right, so if your life's work isn't involved with nuclear
science, then your life is completely meaningless and you might as well
just end it all right now! You have...
Mike: OKAY, we get the POINT.
When you look out at the night sky you are looking at the space
of the
94th electron. You usually do not observe the other 93 electrons (each
composed of infinitely many dots)
Mike: Isn't this where we came in?
Crow: Well, he's an ally of Abian, he's got to be a little repetitive.
or the nucleus with its 94 protons
and 137 neutrons. Usually, because whenever we create antimatter in the
laboratory we are in fact observing our 93rd electron, the electron
which is occupying our same orbital in the 5f6.
Tom: Yup, there's that 5f6 again, this post has officially lapped itself.
The nucleus is never
observable since it is in a node.
Crow: Up your node with a rubber hode!
Mike: No.
But it contains most of the mass,
over 99% of the mass is in the nucleus. No longer is there a missing
mass problem for astronomy.
Mike: Because it called the plumber, and he took a wrench and opened up the
pipes, and there it was.
Our every thoughts are photons, Coulomb interactions with the
94
protons in the nucleus. Our brains are only parts of the 94th electron.
Tom: But why 94?
Mike: Good question, I'll have to think about that.
Photons are forever since they have no rest mass, thus forever moving.
Hence, what is us, our souls, are bundles of photons which never die,
but live forever. Our photon souls are rebundled in the nucleus by the
Protons (reincarnated and sent to various places within the Atom
Totality).
Mike: Oh no!
Crow: Just when we thought this guy couldn't get any weirder!
I myself was both Archimedes, and Pharlap the Australian
racehorse in two of my previous past lives,
Tom: And I was also Pontius Pilate, but I don't like to talk about that.
but mostly that of
individual trees on Earth and other biological planets.
Crow: So the rainforest might be a bunch of Ludwig Plutoniums?
Mike: Suddenly I can't get excited about saving it, anymore.
Play the music of Breathe On Me, Breath of God music by
J.S.Bach and
performed by the synthesized music of Meadowlark Keyboard Sampler 1987.
Crow: And now he thinks he's a DJ!
Tom & Mike: <moan>
Superpose my lyrics of CARBON IN ME, CARBON OF PLUTONIUM
Carbon in me, Carbon of Plutonium,
[ they start swaying to the music ]
Fill me with life anew
That I may love what thou dost love,
And do what thou superdetermined me to do
Tom: You know, if you play these lyrics backwards...
Mike: Thanks, but I don't think I want to know.
Carbon in me, Carbon of Plutonium,
Make my heart pure.
Take me to Thy Protons
to do and to endure.
Breathe in me, Oxygen of Plutonium,
Mike: Are we supposed to stand up or something, like with the National
Anthem?
Make me wholly thine.
Take this Earthly part of me.
Nucleosynthesis divine.
Plutonium in me, ATOM Plutonium.
Tom: Say, Mike?
Mike: Yeah?
Tom: If the universe is an atom of plutonium, then what are all the atoms of
plutonium scientists create made of?
Mike: You know, somehow, I'm guessing that's not in this FAQ.
So shall I never die, but live with thee
Part in thy Electron's Biology
Part in thy Protons Infinity. ATOM
Crow: Well, it had a nice beat, but I couldn't dance to it. I gave it a 38.
Play the music There is a Balm in Gilead as performed by Quiet Streams
synthesized music and sing the lyrics THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE
Tom (softly): Next, on "Music from Some Guy Who's Spaced".
How lost was my condition, till the ATOM made me whole
There is but one Physician
Can cure a radioactive-decayed soul.
There is an Afterlife, where my waves are rebundled whole.
There is infinite power in The Protons of the Nucleus
To cure my radioactive-decayed soul.
Protons of the ATOM, radioactive-growth my soul whole
The ATOM is the only physics
ATOM,ATOM
Crow: Up and ATOM,ATOM ANT!!
Tom: Previous reference, copyright Hanna-Barbera, all ri...
Mike: TOM!!
Tom: Well, I'm just trying to be fair, sheez!
Chemistry is perhaps the most practical, the most pragmatic of all the
sciences and math. Because the proof is in the putting so to speak.
Mike: Was that supposed to be a pun?
Tom: Don't ask me, I'm as lost as you are.
Authors of a recent chemistry text gave it a superb title. It was this
title alone which induced me to buy the text.
Crow: Because, as you know, you can always judge a book by its cover.
It said Chemistry: the
Central Science. Chemistry in my mind will always be the most central,
the most pragmatic and useful of all sciences.
Tom: Because it was the only course I didn't flunk in high school.
Because with chemistry
it is so very easy to show someone is correct or wrong. I see all the
other sciences pivoting off of chemistry. (Here, step into my chemistry
laboratory and I will show you that you are wrong.)
Crow: Here, let me introduce you to this hydrochloric acid I've made...
Physics and math have too much room for goofballs such as for
example: S. Hawking, R.Penrose, A.Guth, J. Wheeler,
Weinberg-Salam-Glashow, A.Wiles,S.Smale,
M.Freedman,Appel & Haken.
Mike: Hawking I've heard of, but who are the others?
Tom: I'm guessing they were the panel that didn't give him the Nobel Prize
last year.
Physics and especially math do not have easy
quick experimental evidence as in chemistry to shut a person up, hence
mouths flap open
loud and long...
All: TELL US ABOUT IT!!
Tom: Time to go, guys.
[ .... ]
Crow: But why, of all the elements, plutonium?
Tom: Yeah, it seems like such an arbitrary choice.
Mike (pulling out a chemistry book): Well, he said something about special
numbers like pi and e falling out from it. Tell you what, let's put our heads
together and see if we can work it out, OK?
Crow: All right, uh, as we've had painfully drilled into our heads, 94 is the
atomic number of plutonium.
Mike: Right, and, let's see, the atomic weight of plutonium is... 244, divide
94 into that and you get...
Tom: 2.5957, which isn't really that far from e.
Crow: Right, and you square that twice, divide by 2, and... and...
Mike: Wait, and he mentioned shells, and, uh, plutonium has seven shells, so...
Crow: Okay, yeah, divide by 7, and we get 3.2428, which, if you change the
2's to 1's, is very close to pi!
Mike: Great! Now, let's see, what else is there... oh, it's 19.86 grams per
cubic centimeter, and it was discovered by a team of four scientists, who
*divided* the credit, so that's what, uh...
Tom: 4.965 each.
Mike: Right, so divide 2.5957 into that, square the result, uh, what's that?
Crow: 3.6587.
Mike: OK, and multiply that by 100, and you're really close to the number of
days in an Earth year!
Tom: Amazing!
Crow: Incredible!
Mike: Anything to add, down there?
[ Deep 13 ]
Frank: Oh come on, I can do better than that! [ clears throat ] As we all
know, 94 is octane of Sunoco premium gasoline, and it's also a freeway running
through Chicago, the city where nuclear fission was developed, so clearly
Seaborg, Kennedy, MacMillan and Wahl must have all filled up their cars with
Sunoco Premium on their way to work the day they made their famous discovery!
[ Dr. F, who entered somewhere in the middle of this, is holding something
behind his back. ]
Dr. F: Not bad, Frank, but there's something you overlooked.
Frank: Oh?
Dr. F: Mmm hmm. [ Pulls his arms from behind his back and tosses something
into the air. ] Catch! [ quickly exits ]
[ Frank catches it, and it turns out to be a model of the atom bomb labeled
with the word "LUDWIG" in large letters. Ticking sound. Frank gasps, then
stands frozen for a while. Finally the bomb rolls out of his hand and lands
on the button. ]
> FWOOM <
DISCLAIMER (stolen from someone else's post):
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, its employees or the
originators of the material for this post. This article is free to distribute
as long as its contents and this notice remains intact.
FURTHER DISCLAIMER:
While the above is not intended as a personal attack on Mr. Ludwig
Plutonium, from only a casual familiarity with him, it is practically
certain that he would take the above, if he were to read it, as just that,
this disclaimer notwithstanding. Fortunately, Mr. Plutonium is not known
to take legal action on these matters, preferring a handful of rude words
instead. Therefore, this Further Disclaimer is entirely pointless.
-----
"Carbon in me, Carbon of Plutonium,
Fill me with life anew
That I may love what thou dost love,
And do what thou superdetermined me to do"
--
Kevin J. Podsiadlik "A man is only as old as he looks. And if
k...@msen.com he only looks, he's old." -- Sonny Eliot