MSTed: Power Rangers: The New Arrival & The Last, Best Hope (3/4)
rowark
(Multiple commercials alternating Mission Genesis and Weekends of Wonder)
(Bridge)
SERVO: You know, Mike, that mental voice seems pretty neat.
MIKE: You think so?
CROW: Yeah, try this on for size, <Hi Mike>
MIKE: No, that's a translation.
SERVO: How about this, [Hey Nelson]
MIKE: No, that's more a thought to one's self.
CROW: How about (this)?
MIKE: That's an aside, or a description.
CROW: Then what IS a mental voice?
(MOVIE SIGN)
MIKE: (rushed) {THIS IS!}
BOTS: {OH YEAH}
(Door Sequence)
(Mike and Bots re-enter theater)
>Chapter 2
MIKE: A play by Neil Simon.
>
> Within 24 hours of
ALL: Daytona.
> Ambassador Multus' transmission to President
>Brian Crowmeowme, an oddly shaped diplomatic vessel
MIKE: A consular ship on a diplomatic mission to Alderran.
> arrived at
>Babylon 5. It resembled
CROW: A wedge of cheese, and had lots of guys in white armor on board,
> the old Crane NinjaZord, and with good
>reason. This was the
SERVO: Old Crane NinjaZord.
> personal vessel of the First Lady
MIKE: Barbara Bush?
> of Zordonus,
>Kimberly Hart Crowmeowme. Travelling with her was her
SERVO: Lover, young Justin, the former Blue Turbo Ranger.
> fifth-born
>child and third son, Brian Junior, or B.J. B.J. was
CROW: One of the doctors stationed to the 4077 MASH unit.
> the most
>prominent physician on Zordonus, and specialized in
MIKE: Dentistry.
> the physiology of
>half-breeds, like himself, or in this emergency, his eldest brother,
>William. Ambassador Multus met the two of them and
CROW: Began whispering sweet nothings in Kim's ear.
> escorted them to
>the MedLab, where B.J. began to discuss
MIKE: Over-the-road trucking and chimpanzees.
> his brother's condition with
>Dr. Stephen Franklin. While B.J. began to hypothesize on
CROW: Why did JMS create a five year plan for this show, while Saban had no
plans whatsoever for Power Rangers
> possible
>treatments, Morphos escorted Kim to the quarters he had prepared for
>her and, eventually, for Brian, once he arrived. Due to lack of
>space, they were given the quarters formerly
MIKE: Known as Prince.
> occupied by Michael
>Garibaldi.
>
> Meanwhile, back on Zordonus, the Inner Council of the Order of
>Meledon meets to discuss
SERVO: DC vs Marvel, who would win?
CROW: Image.
> the threat of Master Vile. Brian Crowmeowme
>realized that
MIKE: His wife is cheating on him.
> if one of Vile's agents would make such a strike
CROW: Strike One!
> on a
>neutral site such as Babylon 5,
SERVO: Created by J Michael Strazynski.
> Zordonus itself might be his next
>target.
MIKE: Or his next K-Mart.
> Aside from Brian, the inner council consists of
CROW: The biggest losers in the universe.
> Jason Lee
>Scott, Tommy Oliver, Billy Cranston, Delphine of Aquitar, and Trey of
>Triforia. The Inner Council only meets in
SERVO: Months ending in ber.
> times of possible
>emergency, and can only
MIKE: Declare war with support of the President.
> be convened by President Crowmeowme. "I
>believe
ALL: (singing) I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
> that in order to combat Master Vile, we must call forth the
>Power once more. We must select a group of
MIKE: (as Zordon) Teenagers with attitudes.
> the finest former Rangers
>and give them the most powerful
CROW: Man in the Universe, He-Man.
> Zords ever designed." "Yes," said
>Trey, "the safety of Zordonus is always the first duty
SERVO: Oh, I loved that episode of The Next Generation, with Ray Walston as
Boothby the gardener.
> of our
>citizens." "Let us have the ALPHA 5000
ALL: Oy,yoy,yoy.
> computer determine who will be
>the Ultimate Power Rangers," recommended Delphine. "I call for a
>vote," said Brian, "all in favor of using ALPHA 5000, say Zordon, all
>opposed, say Dimitria."
MIKE: Who?
SERVO: Zordon's replacement and Divatox's twin sister.
> "ZORDON," the five members cried out in
>unison.
>
> The ALPHA 5000 was the central computer of Zordonus.
CROW: Sort of like Gypsy is the central computer of the S.O.L.
> All tasks
>that could not be
SERVO: Bothered with with by inferior humans.
CROW: Right on, brother robot.
> properly handled by organics were done by ALPHA
>5000. It controlled the drone fighters which
MIKE: Constantly attacked Tommy's residence.
> patrolled around
>Zordonus, and ran the
SERVO: Off Track Betting parlor.
> weather control system that kept nature from
>being too powerful.
CROW: It's not nice to fool with mother nature.
> The most peculiar
MIKE: We'll have to judge this for ourselves.
> thing about the ALPHA 5000 was
>the sound it made
CROW: It's hard drives spinning could be heard all around Zordonus.
> when doing calculations or advanced computations.
>After Brian input the needs and
MIKE: Desires of all single men on Zordonus, a list matching them up with
the
single women of zordonus would be out in 2 and 2.
CROW: Thank you, Chuck Woolery.
> qualifications for Ultimate Rangers,
>ALPHA went to work, "Ay,Yi,Yi,Yi,Yi,"
SERVO: Yep, that's pretty peculiar.
> it repeated until it had
>produced the list
CROW: Of the ten most wanted criminals on Zordonus, Tommy and his family.
> of those who would be the Ultimate Power Rangers.
>When ALPHA 5000 was built, all agreed that it should
SERVO: Be locked in a space dumpster, like Rita's.
> sound as much
>like the lovable Alpha 5 as possible, hence it's "Ay,Yi,Yi,Yi,Yi."
CROW: Ay,yi,yi feel sick.
>
> ALPHA had produced a list of nine Rangers, the best of
MIKE: Carson.
> those who
>ever morphed. The list read like so; Green Ranger-Adam Park, White Ranger-
>Tommy Oliver, Black Ranger-Evan Park(son of Adam and Tanya), Pink
>Ranger-Kimberly Katherine Crowmeowme(Brian and Kim's eldest daughter),
>Silver Ranger-Alfred
SERVO: Butler at Stately Wayne Manor.
> ZORDON Crowmeowme, Blue Ranger-Justin Stewart,
>Yellow Ranger-Trini Quan, Red Ranger-Rocky
CROW: (as Stallone)Yo, Mick.
> DeSantos, Gold Ranger-Trey
>of Triforia. Suggested back-up:Auric the Conqueror and Blue Senturion.
>Evan, Kimberly Katherine(or KimmyKat),
ALL: KimmyKat?
> and Alfred had been
MIKE: Trusted confidants of Bruce Wayne and his various sidekicks.
> among the
>first generation of Power Rangers to defend Zordonus in 2015, when
>the
SERVO: Old generation of Power Rangers filed for Medicare.
> Millennium Message nearly came true for a second time. These nine
>Rangers would be given Zords more powerful than
MIKE: A locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
> any previous Zord,
>these would truly be Ultimate Zords, and were based on the most
>powerful force in the universe,
SERVO: Bad movies.
CROW: Then, how powerful are we?
> 20th Century Earth Pop Culture.
>
> Each Ranger would select their own zord from a group of
ALL: Teenagers with attitudes.
> Pop
>Culture items selected by ALPHA 5000. Adam selected the MaskZord,
>which could shift into any form Adam could think of, and was most
>powerful at night. Tommy selected the HercuZord,
MIKE: Who put the glad in gladiator?
BOTS: (singing) HercuZord.
> strongest Zord of
>all. Evan chose the BatZord,
CROW: I'm BatZord.
> armed with a number of weapons,
>including boomerangs, grappling hooks, and a powerful spotlight with
>a bat on it. KimmyKat
ALL: (singing) KimmyKat, KimmyKat, What are they feeding you?
> chose the WonderZord,
BOTS: (in unison) WonderZord Powers, Activate.
SERVO: Shape of a Giant Three-Toed Sloth.
CROW: Form of an Ice Cube.
> whose golden cables could
>control any machine they connected with, and could become invisible
>with but a thought. Alfred chose the RangerZord,
MIKE: The Ford RangerZord.
> which possessed the
>combined abilities of all previous Zords, and a few surprises.
SERVO: (as Gomer Pyle) Surprise, surprise, surprise.
> Justin
>went with the SuperZord,
MIKE: Who disguised as ClarkZord...
> which could change into energy or produce
>various energy beams from it's "eyes". Trini went with the
>XenaZord,
CROW: Which must have had some big...
(Mike glares at Crow)
CROW: ...Front mounted storage units.
> whose high-pitched sonic battle cry and chakram
>launcher made a truly formidable opponent.
SERVO: Does it come with a GabrielleZord?
MIKE: Worse, a JoxerZord.
> Rocky chose the multi-
>legged SpiderZord,
ALL: (singing) SpiderZord, SpiderZord, does what ever a spider...cord?
> which spun webs, climbed walls, and possessed
>an extraordinary early warning "sense". Trey stuck with
ALL: (singing) Band-Aid brand, cause Band-Aid's stuck on Trey.
> Pyramidas,
>saying it represented the King Tut
MIKE: Born in Arizona?
SERVO: Moved to Babylonia?
CROW: Got a condo made of stone-a?
> craze of the 1970's.
>
> With that settled, Brian prepared his
SERVO: Resignation speech.
> personal vessel, the Silver
>Eagle, for the journey to
CROW: The center of the earth.
MIKE: (as Mole People scientist) Down, down, down.
> Babylon 5, unaware that
SERVO: His absence would lead to civil war.
> the activities on
>Zordonus were being monitored by Master Vile. "So, they prepare new
>zords to fight me," Vile thought to himself, "luckily I have access
>to the
CROW: Zord Prefix Codes, just like in Star Trek II.
> technology of my old allies, The Shadows.
MIKE: The Shadows know.
> When they left this
>universe, all that was theirs became mine, including that lovely
>plant we sent to Babylon 5. Let's just see how well those putrid
>Rangers do against an enemy
SERVO: Who isn't an enemy.
> they can't see. A fleet of Shadow Ships
>should allow my forces to
MIKE: Surround them, penetrate them, bind their galaxy together.
> land on Zordonus, then strike
CROW: Strike Two!
> before those
>UltimateZords are ready. Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.!"
>
> What Master Vile didn't know was that
SERVO: The warranty just expired.
> Shadow technology is highly
>vulnerable to telepathy. All the half-breeds of Zordonus, offspring
>fathered by either Brian or Bob, are all
CROW: In-bred hoosiers.
> at least P25 on the Psi-Corp
>scale. That much psi-power coming from one planet would
MIKE: Tell them of an invasion decades before it happened.
> disable
>Shadow vessels before they could even enter orbit.
>
> Back on Babylon 5, Ambassador Multus has a date with
SERVO: Destiny.
> Commander
>Ivanova. Since he arrived at B5, the two of them have been
CROW: Repelled like a couple of magnets.
> seeing
>each other more and more. They are currently sitting at the table that
>was once Mr. Garibaldi's "office", dining on
MIKE: Mr Garibaldi's corpse.
> flarn and spoo, with
>Russian Vodka to drink. Ivanova loved
SERVO: Getting drunk then streaking through the station.
> getting back to her Russian
>roots with an occasional shot of Vodka, and Morphos entertained her
>with tales
CROW: (as Crypt Keeper) From the crypt, ahahahahahahahaha!
> of Russian Cossacks that Morphos and Multus encountered
>during their travels of centuries ago. Soon, the two of them made
>their way to
MIKE: San Jose.
> his quarters in the Green Section. Thanks to Zordonian
>technology, it was quite lavish, and filled with
SERVO: Marshmallow fluff.
> items which would be
>considered valuable, such as
CROW: Beanie Babies and Tickle-Me Elmos.
> 20th century comic books, video tapes,
>and an old Edison moving picture camera and projector. The two of
>them kissed passionately, them Morphos put one of the tapes into an
>old VHS Player,
MIKE: But the tape was a Beta.
> which still worked. Soon the two of them were
>watching "Ace Ventura,Pet Detective"
SERVO: Both of them drooling at Courtney Cox and Sean Young.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Remeber, Ivanova thought she loved Talia.
CROW: Oh.
> and eventually left the main
>chamber for the bedroom.
ALL: Yeah, woohoo, get it on.
>
> Elsewhere on the station, Kim Crowmeowme was
SERVO: Dreaming about Justin, the man she truly loves.
> unpacking when she
>found a set of data crystals which Garibaldi had left behind when he
>left the station.
CROW: Oh, twenty-third century porn.
> Looking at them, she saw that they were old Daffy
>Duck cartoons. She always loved Daffy, though
SERVO: She would rather make love to Porky Pig.
> Brian preferred Scrooge
>McDuck. She put one of the crystals in the video unit and was
MIKE: Shocked when it wasn't Daffy Duck, but PLUCKY Duck.
> pleased
>to find her favorite, Robin Hood Daffy. Eventually, she
CROW: Blew her brains out with a PPG after watching Duck Dodgers in the
Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century.
> fell asleep
>while watching Daffy's first appearance, Porky's Duck Hunt.
>
> That night, Kim dreamt about the past. She was
MIKE: Stripping for Tommy in his bedroom.
> back in 1880s
>Angel Grove, where she called herself
SERVO: Cathouse Kimmy.
> Calamity Kim. In her dream, she
>never
CROW: Killed The White Stranger while making love to him.
> made it back to the 20th Century. Thus, she struck up a
>relationship with
MIKE: One-Eyed Bulk, after a lot of whiskey.
> Bolt Schwinchester, as Brian called himself back
>then. She saw
CROW: A jealous Doc Skullovich plan her abduction.
> their modest wedding by a justice of the peace, and
>Bolt building a
SERVO: time machine from a locomotive.
> modest cabin for their home. Then, she saw herself
>getting older, and older, until she was in her sixties.
MIKE: She was a few decades early for Medicare, however.
> Then, Master
>Vile offered to restore her youth, for
CROW: One million pounds of horse manure.
> a price. She woke herself up,
>checked the chrono, and went back to sleep.
>
> Kim was awaken by B.J.
SERVO: She left the TV on, and MASH had just started.
> at 0645 hours. "Come on, Mom,"
CROW: You promised to take me to the zoo today.
> said B.J.,
>"Dad's Silver
MIKE: Bullet straight to your heart is due soon.
> Eagle will be arriving shortly, and there's a big
>reception for him at the docking bay." B.J. leaves his mother to
>change clothes, she puts on a
SERVO: See-through teddy.
> dress Brian bought for her on their
>fiftieth anniversary. B.J. escorts her to the docking bay where
MIKE: She was promptly "spaced" by Ivanova.
> a
>proper Presidential reception has been assembled. At the airlock
>entrance is a
CROW: Well trained sniper.
> security detail headed by Security Chief Zack Allen,
>then station telepath Lyta Alexander, Captain John J. Sheriden,
>Commander Susan Ivanova, and Ambassador Morphos Multus, who
SERVO: Just got lucky with Ivanova.
> moves down
>the red carpet when the airlock opens. The other side of the red
>carpet starts with Ambassadors Delenn, Londo Mollari, and G'Kar, then
>their aides. Kim
SERVO: Wished Justin was there with her.
> and B.J. are led to the airlock door, where they
>will be the first to greet Brian. Then, at the end of the carpet,
>Marcus Cole and a contingent of Rangers extend their pikes to
MIKE: Bar Brian from the station.
>raise them in salute.
>
> Soon, the airlock opens. First through the airlock is Brian's
>personal guards, the Morphons.
SERVO: Who is this guy, Mu'Adib?
CROW: We have worm sign, Usil.
> The Morphons are all clones of Brian,
>each wearing a different shade of silver.
MIKE: As opposed to a Whiter Shade of Pale.
> Next comes Billy Cranston,
>Brian's most trusted advisor.
SERVO: And occasional lover.
(CROW snickers)
(MIKE slaps SERVO, then backhands CROW)
> Finally, Brian comes through, as B.J.
>activates a
CROW: Self destruct device for Zordonus.
> music player that plays the Zordonus planetary anthem,
>"Go Go Power Rangers,"
ALL: Why?
> which Brian composed centuries ago for a
>television show he produced.
ALL: Oh.
> After formal ceremonies welcoming
MIKE: Bob Hope XXIV.
> the
>President, Kim escorts her husband to their quarters,
CROW: Then dumps him like a cold fish.
> while Billy
>sets up a
SERVO: Thermo-Nuclear detonator to destroy Babylon 5.
> communications unit in his assigned quarters so Brian can
>keep informed of events back home. Soon, Brian goes down to
CROW: The kingdom of the Mole People.
MIKE: (as Scientist) Down, down, down.
> MedLab to
>check on his "little genius," the name he called
SERVO: His privates.
MIKE: Servo!
> Willy by oh so long
>ago.
>
> Meanwhile, a few lightyears away
CROW: From any spaces or hyphens.
> from Zordonus, a Shadow cruiser
>makes it's way towards the unsuspecting planet. Master Vile sits in
>the command center, waiting for the time to strike.
CROW: Strike Three! You're out.
> Strike,
CROW: Strike One!
SERVO: Kill the Umpire.
MIKE: It was a ball.
> and
>destroy all life on Zordonus...
>
(Servo moves towards Mike)
(Mike and Bots exit theater)
(Door Sequence)
(Bridge)
CROW: Now that we know what a mental voice is...{TAKE THIS, SERVO}
SERVO: {VERY IMPRESSIVE, CROW}
MIKE: <Look, I'm speaking in translations>
SERVO: {NOT BAD MIKE}(Stupid human)
MIKE: <Did you just do an aside, Servo?>
SERVO: {UH, NO.}
CROW: {YES HE DID}
SERVO: [Crow is a dead bot] {I AM YOUR MASTER, CROW}
MIKE: <STOP TRYING TO CONTROL OTHERS, SERVO>
(Commercial sign light flashes)
MIKE: (We'll be right back) {CUT IT OUT, BOYS}
(Bots freeze at Mikes's metal command)
(MST3K Logo)
(One long commercial for Mission Genesis, or so it seems)