MST3K: FREE-ENERGY TECHNOLOGY
Robert Everett Brunskill
<Fade in. Tom and Crow at a computer, Crow is typing of course.>
Tom: Now how about - "I bet your mother would...
Joel: Hey guys, what are you up to?
Crow: Oh, nothing. Nothing. We weren't writing hate mail or anything.
Tom: Yeah, we were just checking out that new word processor you got.
Joel: Really? Lets see what you wrote.
Crow: NO! I mean, well, you wouldn't want our, um, great literary
tallent to be disturbed because we, um, got input on our work too early,
and, um, Tom?
Tom: I think what Crow's trying to say is that if you look at our work,
and action you take afterwords could have a dramatic impact on our
creative self.
Joel: Oh come on guys, just one little peek. I won't react, I promise.
<Joel pushes past the bots.>
Joel: You have been sending email again haven't you?
Crow: You promised you wouldn't react.
Joel: Come here.
Crow: Ow! Hey!
<Joel drags Crow off by the mask. Commercial sign lights up.>
Tom: Joel? Uh, we'll be right back.
Crow: OW!
<Fade out. Insert commercial "Little Hitler's Pizza", facist delivery
in the business. Fade in, all present.>
Joel: And another thing Crow, I'm changing my password, I had fifty new
messages this morning all complaining about posts that _I_ never sent.
Crow: But...
Tom: Yeah Crow!
Joel: You too Tom Servo. You might not be able to type, but I know that
Crow would never be able to come up with such well written insults.
Tom: But...
Crow: Yeah Tom! Hey!
Joel: Really, polluting Crow's empty little tin-can head with such
ideas. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Crow: Gee. Thanks Joel.
Joel: Now quiet down you two. The Mads are calling.
Dr.F: Well, hello Joel. How are we today? I noticed your little rants
on the net. I didn't know you had so much fire in you. Now, now, any
more vile and I might have to take away your access.
Joel: Well, it's not me, it's the bots sir. They just get a little
excited thats all.
<The whole time Tom and Crow are arguing back and forth, "Did not", "Did
too", etc.>
Dr.F: Ah, so sharing an account with another person? Well, thats
another strike.
Frank: Well, I don't know if they'd count as people...
Dr.F: Shut-up Frank! Go boot up this week's invention exchange before I
hurt you. Well my little post masters, if you'd like to show your
invention while Frank recovers, er, gets ready?
Joel: Well, my invention for this week coincides with the idea of the
electronic mail. It's the electronic florist. Now you can not only
send messages to people, but you can also send them boquets as well.
They're great to calm hot tempers, liven memos, or show a loved one that
you really care.
Dr.F: Getting inspiration from the bots I see. Sorry to cut you off
Joel, but we do have a maximum line feed. Well, our invention is a
little different. Show 'em Frank.
Frank: Are we on? Oh. Tired of long delays in sending and recieving
messages? Do you want higher speed and fewer errors?
Dr.F: Sure Frank. We all do.
Frank: Well have we got the high speed modem for you. Inspired by the
short story by Lawrence Watt-Evans, and five years in the making, we
bring you the Pickman Modem 300! Yes, the Pickman is a state-of-the-art
high-baud high-bis voice-activated computer-controlled modem for home
use of the world networks. Dr. F?
Dr.F: Yes, with this little baby you can access the network at unheard
of speed, at a measley low price of $99.99, paid in three monthly
instalments. "But what," you may ask, "is unique about the Pickman
300?" Well, not only is it a modem on the level of, say, the Tandy
1200, but it also features the feature that only the Pickman could
feature. The Pickman features 'Full Possesion Software'. This
inovative software design has been written by virus experts, burned into
ROM, and then blessed by the Devil himself. It will elaborate on all
your posts, make the witty dialog wittier, the mean parts meaner, and
make you the most obnoxcious and eloquent person on the net. Now when
you tell someone to do common body functions in unique and hazardous
ways, the Pickman will elaborate on you message in full graphic detail.
Frank: It will also randomly capitalise words in your post.
Dr.F: Frank! We're trying to be intimidating, not insane! What did you
do to it?!
Crow: Hey, we could use one of those.
Tom: Yeah, Joel, could we...
Joel: Quiet you guys!
Dr.F: Well my little dev...@hell.cmu.edu your post for this week is
another juicy tidbit we found on netnews. Care to guess which board?
Crow: rec.humor.funny?
Tom: best.of.internet?
Joel: alt.tv.mst3k?
Dr.F: NO! alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine! And you know what that means?
Tom: It's from alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine?
Joel: I can't seem to place the name??
Crow: Merciless flames burning the electronicly damned?
Tom & Joel: Huh?
Dr.F: The capslock key!
Tom: No! Not Gravity Neutralizing Posts!?
Dr.F: Well, give the bot a kill file, he's figured it out. Have fun Joel!
Joel: AHHH! We've got message sign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
On 21-Apr-93 in FREE-ENERGY TECHNOLOGY
user mce...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
> FREE-ENERGY TECHNOLOGY
> by Robert E. McElwaine
Crow: McCloud!
> , Physicist
Tom: Ah, so you passed physics 101 did you?
> Ninety to a hundred years ago, everybody "knew" that
Crow: YOU were a loony!
> a
> heavier-than-air machine could not possibly fly.
Joel: But it crashes really well!
> It would
> violate the "laws" of physics.
Crow: Alright, ya better be pullin' it over! You'll not be violatin'
the laws on this branch of physics.
> All of the "experts" and
> "authorities" said so.
>
Tom: Including Larson!
> For example, Simon Newcomb declared
Tom: Oh! Is the great Simon Newcomb going to speak to us now?
> in 1901: "The
> demonstration that no possible combination of known
> substances,
Joel: Uh huh.
> known forms of machinery and known forms of
> force,
Joel: Uh huh.
> can be united in a practical machine by which man
> shall fly long distances through the air,
Joel: Uh huh.
> seems to the writer
> as complete as it is possible for the demonstration of any
> physical fact to be."
Crow: Joel, what did he just say?
Joel: I have no idea.
<Crow shakes his head>
>
> Fortunately, a few SMART people
Crow: And about a thousand lunatics.
> such as the Wright
> Brothers did NOT accept such pronouncements as the final
> word. Now we take airplanes for granted,
Tom: Except when they go down in a flaming blaze of glory!
> (except when they
> crash).
All: Hey!
>
> Today, orthodox physicists and other "scientists" are
> saying similar things against several kinds of 'Free Energy'
Tom: Free energy here! Get yer free energy here!
> Technologies, using negative terms such as "pseudo-science"
> and "perpetual motion",
Joel: I just can't stop!
> and citing so-called "laws" which
Joel: Were passed by Congress in 1947.
> assert that "energy cannot be created or destroyed" ("1st law
> of thermodynamics")
Crow: Yeah! Come on guys, like, it's really easy to make your own
energy at home.
> and "there is always a decrease in useful
> energy" ("2nd law of thermodynamics").
Crow: I think thats called Murphy's Law.
Joel: No Crow, that's the law that states what can go wrong will.
Tom: Oh? You mean like this post?
> The physicists do not
> know how to do certain things,
Tom: Like comb their hair, brush their teeth, and count to ten...
> so they ARROGANTLY declare
> that those things cannot be done. Such PRINCIPLES OF
> IMPOTENCE
Joel: Hey! He's bringing their private life into this! That's not fair.
> are COMMON in orthodox modern "science"
Joel: Is that a branch of the orthodox church?
> and help to
> cover up INCONSISTENCIES and CONTRADICTIONS in
Crow: Your dull, meaningless existance?
> orthodox
> modern theories.
>
> Free Energy Inventions are devices which can tap a
> seemingly UNLIMITED
Tom: Until it runs out.
> supply of
Crow: SCAT!
Joel: Hey!
> energy from the universe, with-
> OUT burning
All: In hell!
> any kind of fuel, making them the PERFECT
Joel: Gift for your son or daughter!
> SOLUTION to the world-wide energy crisis and its associated
> pollution, degradation, and
Crow: Insanity.
> depletion of the environment.
>
> Most Free Energy Devices probably do not create energy,
Crow: Oh, and some do?
> but rather tap into EXISTING natural energy sources by
> various forms of induction. UNLIKE solar or wind devices,
Tom: Nuclear power is clean, easy, and economic to use.
> they need little or no energy storage capacity,
Joel: Because there's no energy to store?
> because they
> can tap as much energy as needed WHEN needed.
Crow: You sure can tap as much bull....
Joel: Crow!
Crow: Sorry Joel.
> Solar energy
> has the DIS-advantage
Tom: It also has dat advantage dere see? Nyaaaa. Nyaaaaa. ( <- gangster voice)
> that the sun is often blocked by
> clouds, trees,
Tom: Number one. The Larch.
> buildings, or the earth itself,
Crow: Well, there goes the solar powered flashlight.
> or is reduced
> by haze or smog or by thick atmosphere at low altitudes and
> high latitudes.
Crow: Joel, how does clear, clean air stop the sun?
Joel: I'll explain it later.
> Likewise, wind speed is WIDELY VARIABLE and
> often non-existent.
Joel: Can it be a negative number?
> Neither solar nor wind power are
> suitable to directly power cars and airplanes.
Tom: Thats why we use good ol' people power!
> Properly
> designed Free Energy Devices do NOT have such limitations.
Joel: Because they don't have any energy to begin with.
> For example, at least three U.S. patents (#3,811,058,
> #3,879,622, and #4,151,431
Crow: Served.
> ) have so far been awarded for
> motors that run EXCLUSIVELY on permanent MAGNETS, seemingly
> tapping into
Tom: My brain.
> energy circulating through the earth's magnetic
> field
Joel: In eighty days.
> . The first two require a feedback network
Crow: You mean like a good email flame?
Joel: Crow.
> in order to
> be self-running. The third one, as described in detail in
> "Science & Mechanics"
Crow: Not to be confused with "The National Enquirer".
> magazine, Spring 1980, ("Amazing
> Magnet-Powered Motor", by Jorma Hyypia, pages 45-48, 114-117,
> and front cover
Joel: Is that the actual order they come in?
> ), requires critical sizes, shapes,
> orientations, and spacings of magnets, but NO feedback.
Tom: And will even ignore you if any is given!
> Such
> a motor could
Crow: Take up vast ammounts of space.
> drive an electric generator or reversible
> heatpump in one's home, YEAR ROUND, FOR FREE.
Joel: And also makes a great coffee table.
> [Complete
> descriptive copies of U.S. patents are $3.00 each from the
> U.S. Patent Office, 2021 Jefferson Davis Hwy., Arlington, VA
> 22202; correct 7-digit patent number required. Or try
> getting copies of BOTH the article AND the Patents via your
> local public or university library's inter-library loan
> dept..]
Joel: Call now, operators are standing by.
Crow: Better yet. call 1-800-GET-A-CLU.
> A second type of free-energy device, such as the 'Gray
> Motor' (U.S. Patent #3,890,548),
Joel: WHAT! THERE'S A PATENT ON GRAY MATER?
Tom: Calm down Joel, he said Motor.
> the 'Tesla Coil', and the
> motor of inventor Joseph Newman
Crow: Hey! 'Newman's Own'!
> [see SCIENCE, 2-10-84, pages
> 571-2
Joel: Page five hundred seventy one to page two? Is this guy from Japan?
> .], taps ELECTRO-MAGNETIC energy by INDUCTION from
> 'EARTH RESONANCE' (about 12 cycles per second plus
> harmonics).
Tom: Uh, Joel, what's the term for that unit?
Joel: Hertz.
Crow: We know it does Joel, but what's the unit?
Joel: You guys.
> They typically have a 'SPARK GAP' in the circuit
> which serves to SYNCHRONIZE the energy in the coils with the
> energy being tapped.
Tom: If I didn't know any better I'd think he was almost talking about
an internal combustion engine.
Crow: Well, _he_ doesn't know any better, so maybe he is.
> It is important that the total
> 'inductance' and 'capacitance' of the Device combine to
> 'RESONATE' at the same frequency
Crow: It hertz! It hertz!
> as 'EARTH RESONANCE' in
> order to maximize the power output. This output can also be
> increased by centering the SPARK GAP at the 'NEUTRAL CENTER'
> of a strong U-shaped permanent magnet.
Tom: So let me get this straight, we're going to put an empty space
between the ends of a U-shaped magnet? Clever!
> In the case of a
> Tesla Coil, slipping a 'TOROID CHOKE COIL'
Joel: Isn't that a wrestling move?
> around the
> secondary coil will enhance output
Joel: Speaking of output, we'd better be going.
> power. ["Earth Energy:
> Fuelless Propulsion & Power Systems", by John Bigelow, 1976,
> Health Research, P.O. Box 70, Mokelumne Hill, CA 95245.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
Tom: You know Joel, we've met our share of different people on the net,
but how is it that this one stands out?
Joel: Oh, you mean McElwaine?
Tom: Yeah.
Joel: Well, um...
Tom: I mean how does he go on? Why is he still here? People get
dropped for saying they don't happen to like Gilligan's Island, but this
guy posts the same message to 100+ boards and rants on obnoxcious
unrelated subjects>
Joel: Well Tom, it's a little thing called free speach. You can't
insult people, or say that you don't like so and so, but you can post
long obnoxcious posts, falsify your credentials, and generally be
annoying.
Crow: But, _how_?
Joel: You just threaten to sue. Pretty soon you'll have the system
eating out of your hand.
Tom & Crow: OH!
Tom: So, why does he have his own board.
Joel: Because he's unique.
Crow: Because he's a loony.
Joel: Now Crow, speak well of your fellow man.
Crow: If he's my fellow man, then I'm a monkey's uncle!
Tom: You _are_ a monkey's uncle!
Crow: Hey!
Joel: Alright, cool off you guys, we've got cemmercial sign.
<Is that long enough!?
Rob>
Dave Van Domelen
Dave Van Domelen, waiting for the hyperoxygen therapy article....