[MiSTed]: The Osiris Papers
hep...@eden.com
over him wielding a frightening looking piece of machinery.]
TOM: Ready, Crow?
CROW: Ready as I'll ever be, Tom. I'm ready to be cleansed!
[Mike enters.]
MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on?
TOM: Oh, hi, Mike. Well, in an attempt to get in touch with our inner
selves, and strike a spiritual balance with nature and the marvelous
vastness of the universe that is our very home, Crow and I have been
devoting ourselves to the study of the New Age.
MIKE: [suspicious look] Ooo-kay...
CROW: Gotta tell ya, Mike. When Servo loaned me his copy of The Celestine
Prophecies, why, I felt like a new bot!
MIKE: So then, what's up with the...?
TOM: Ah! Yes, well, we're doing a bit of personal improvement today, you
might say, Mike. You know, the body is the vessel of the soul and all
that. So today, we're starting with ear candling!
MIKE: Ear candling!
CROW: I'm ready, Tom!
TOM: Are you ready, Crow?
CROW: Oh yes! Yes!
MIKE: But that's not...
TOM: Yeah, ahem, well, we couldn't find any candles on board, so I'm using
this propane torch. Ready, Crow?
MIKE: WAIT!!!
[Tom ignites the torch. Crow's head is promptly engulfed in a rush of blue
flame.]
CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....gglggllggg...
[Tom kills the torch. Crow's head is a molten heap of smouldering slag.]
TOM: Huh...maybe I should skip rolfing him...
MIKE: Um...we got commercial sign.
[Break.]
[Fade in. Mike is fitting Crow's torso with a new head.]
MIKE: There, that oughta do it.
TOM: Um, heh heh, listen, Crow, I really didn't, uh, mean to, I mean...
MIKE: Wait a second. It's gonna take him a minute or two to reboot.
TOM: Phew! Good, that'll give me time to hide in the load pan bay...!
MIKE: Too late...it's good ol' Deep 13 on the line.
[push]
DR. F.: Hello, Nelson. I hope you're in the mood for some Deep Hurting
today, because I've finally found what may well be the "Manos" of the
Usenet. Heh heh! It's a long-winded and staggeringly incoherent
idiot-blither entitled The Osiris Papers, and it deals--as far as I could
make out before my eyeballs crusted over--with Druids, pagans, and other
characters of yore. Heh heh heh, I know this time I've finally done it,
Nelson. I've found the experiment to BREAK you and your little tinkertoy
friends! Ha ha ha! You know...today, I'm not just feeling evil...I'm
feeling _smug_! Fare thee well.
[Push]
[Aboard SOL: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ]
ALL: AAAAAAAAHH! WE GOT USENET SIIIIIIIIGN!!!!
[...6...5...4...3...2...1]
Path:
news.eden.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!europa.chnt.gtegsc.com!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!isclient.merit.edu!voyager.net!voyager.net!not-for-mail
From: ry...@voyager.net
CROW: Oh, no. A Star Trek-TNG fanfic. AAAA!
Newsgroups: alt.paranormal.channeling
TOM: Ooo, maybe not.
MIKE: Not to be confused with alt.paranormal.channel-surfing.
CROW: Or channel-swimming.
Subject: Osiris Papers--channeled texts
CROW: Finally declassified under the Freedom of Information Act.
TOM: Now you at home can read the government's secret plans to brainwash
you, take your children, and make you watch the Trinity Network.
MIKE: How much would you pay for this?
CROW: But wait...there's MORE...!
Date: 29 Jun 1995 01:18:12 -0400
Organization: Voyager Information Networks, Inc.
Lines: 54
Message-ID: <3std2k$f...@vixa.voyager.net>
NNTP-Posting-Host: vixa.voyager.net
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
(C) Copyright June 1991 - June 1995.
By Shawn McKenzie, Lunasoft Software & Entertainment, Ryker.
TOM: "You lead the away team!"
=================
The Osiris Papers
=================
:
-----------------
-4:0
-----------------
CROW: Well, at least whoever wrote it did well in school.
MIKE: Yeah..
:
The Channeled Texts
.
Knowlage.
TOM: Whoops. Spoke too soon there, Crow.
CROW: Oh, it's gonna be a long night.
Something we all claim we wish to know, something everyone
seeks in one form or another. But how can we be sure of our sources?
MIKE: Larry King's usually good enough for me.
Are they true guiding entities, or merely other spirits who long to be a
part of this life, and cling to our desires to fulfill their own? Do we
know they are
true because someone we admire said so? Or because it is they say what we
wish to hear, so decide that they must be?
TOM: Are they members of Bill Clinton's cabinet?
Are we following our hearts in finding our way towards the truth, or
letting our personal needs, to satisfy the self's desire to be special, or
powerful?
CROW: Are we utter fools who thrive on being exploited?
TOM: Or do they simply beat us mercilessly until we give in?
MIKE: Tonight on The Discovery Channel...
When it comes down to it, we can't know, in spite of our efforts to
convince ourselves and others that we do. We are afraid to be wrong, for
those who hearts are cruel, would laugh, or let it be known that we had
made a mistake, upholding their own questionable abilities as the accurate
one.
TOM: So remember what G. Gordon Liddy said: aim for the head.
CROW: It's at times like these you really begin to appreciate the Second
Amendment.
This race for the top of the ladder is what has begun the beginning of the
ending.
MIKE: But if we all race back down, it will end the ending of the beginning.
TOM: (singing) "Begin...the beguine..."
The government, in power for so long, a position of constant cover-up
deciding what we can handle and what we cannot, in the chosen position of
parent, gaurdian, and protector. But who is truely protected?
CROW: Secret. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Us, or their paranoia which grows greater each day, as the Earth's
magnetic field continues to shift,
TOM: Uh, guys...
MIKE: It's okay, Tom. You're safe.
CROW: Yeah, but is _he_?
pushing waves of magnetic forces through the specialy designed structures
built by the races of man that did know what is now hidden. For as each
structure is awakened, to respond in a reverse or alternating polarity,
new fields of magnetisim are generated, sending signals varing from
short-wave to
long-wave, static, RF, and a few we probably haven't used yet.
MIKE: Yet another reason to switch back to AT&T.
Notice that sensation of something building, something forgotten or
'secret', as it's romanticly refered to.
TOM: Whoa! Did we just shift over to alt.sex.stories?
CROW: Hey, at least it might get interesting now.
MIKE: Someone really ought to tell this guy that a little enigma goes a
long way.
TOM: Really.
CROW: Get ON with it!
A hint of some neutral shadow, waiting. A sudden scent that is
recognized, and as suddenly forgotten, yet it's memory lingering.
CROW: Pee-yew, that's the last time we eat at Taco Cabana.
TOM & MIKE: CROW!
CROW: Sorry...sorry.
A mild change in dreams. More frequent spiritual activity and
visitations. Moods, emotional stabilities, nervous reactions. The
glimpses of something or things, hovering just outside the vision, yet
with a presence so strong it is sworn to be there at one side.
TOM: I wonder how many Salvador Dali prints this guy has on his wall?
CROW: Wall? He's probably got Dali _tattoos_!
TOM: Yikes!
Something is there, waiting for the way to open. Something long ago which
aided those races of man in building. Not aliens.
MIKE: Why not? Cheap labor!
The American Indians knew of them, as did most every other race of human
kind in the times ranging from B.C. 14,000 - B.C. 1000. This was not a Pagan
mass that existed, for none of these races worshiped the beings which
rewarded or punished.
CROW: Instead, they worshipped a guy named Lyle who came by Fridays at six
for poker.
As the Indians, they merely showed respect, and gratitude, and when
needed, fear. It is the structured religions that have tagged the title
of God or Goddess upon the heads of these forces. They are not.
TOM: I AM! WORSHIP ME! KOWTOW IN PRAISE! BOW BEFORE SERVO!
CROW: [whispering] Mike, I think he's...
MIKE: [whispering] I know. I'll check his ego processor when we get out.
They are the spiritual forces that exist in nature, and not all have an
awareness as we would again, romanticly, place upon them. It is easy to
say, 'it is the will of....', or fate, destiny, or that a past-life has
ruined one's path in this one. When it really is us, and now.
ALL: ZZZZ...ZZZZZZZ...
The Christians (Roman Catholics were actualy the first 'Christians', which
began the destruction of the other races and cultures so that their
religious power would reign over the world)
CROW: Ah, Sinead O'Connor's back on the net!
TOM: [singing] "Fight the real enemy...."
took names which were short descriptions of these forces and the meaning of
'Higher spirit', and made it God/Goddess. Pagan meant one thing before
Rome took over,
MIKE: It meant "Can I get fries with that shake?"
'Man of the country' or 'man of their country'. Anyone who was not part
of the Roman rule was a Pagan, whether they worshipped one or more God or
not. The Pagans that fought back were then called Heathens.
TOM: And then they were called corpses.
As time went on, the names began to contribute to whatever meaning that
helped establish fear or disgust against those who opposed the rulership.
The ones who began Christianity were at first, 'Pagan', as their modern
day course of ritual, rites, and idol worship betrays.
CROW: So, did the early pagans have pledge drives and phone-a-thons?
MIKE: He doesn't say...
TOM: I wanna know if human sacrifices were tax exempt.
CROW: Whoa, we don't want to give the Christian Coalition any ideas!
TOM: ...Yow.
So now, those who follow the creed 'Harm none, do as thy will',
CROW: ...were taken out and brutally disembowelled for the amusement of all!
begin the foretold rise to rebellion, when rebellion will serve no purpose
but an excuse to follow the darker, more violent desires of the heart.
CROW: "Arise, oppressed masses, and listen to Snoop Doggy Dog CDs!"
Conquest of the enemy, rape of their lands, destruction of any belief
other than what is accepted, or can add to the power all ready believed to
be possessed.
MIKE: So it's basically the Republican Party platform.
TOM: So do they allow abortion in case of rape of the lands?
If one person were to hold the truth, which did not accomodate what the
massing mobs wished to hear, that person would be killed, and the knowlage
taken as their own. History repeats itself,
ALL: SO DO YOU!!!
as this was exactly the way it had begun. And the fact that, man cannot
change because man will not allow for his inability to be perfect. In
stead of learn from and work with, it's cover up and destroy.
CROW: Nice to see he's so optimistic.
TOM: Let's book, guys.
MIKE: [picking up Tom] Finally.
[...1...2...3...4...5...6]
CROW: So, Mike, how come whenever one of these alt.paranormal types wishes
to impart profound cosmic truths to us, why can't he do it using good
English?
TOM: Really. It seems that all of these New Age-y, UFO, face-on-Mars,
past-life, Shirley McLaine folks simply can NOT communicate using a
coherent sentence, much less string such sentences together into a
well-structured and logical paragraph.
CROW: No kidding. What's with all the run-on sentences, comma splices, and
rhetorical questions that lead nowhere?
MIKE: [grinning] Well guys, _I_ don't know! I'm not into their lifestyle
and I don't know their backgrounds! And besides, English wasn't exactly my
best subject in school either.
CROW: It wasn't?
MIKE: No. Heh. I was into track.
TOM: Pfft. Figures.
CROW: [muttering] Don't know why we waste our time sometimes...
MIKE: [sheepishly] Sorry, guys.
[BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ]
ALL: AAAAAHH! WE GOT USENET SIIIIIIIGN!!
[...6...5...4...3...2...1]
.
Positive thinking is the best tool that is found to be used.
CROW: It slices through this tin can and still goes through a tomato like this!
It elaborates the power of the imagination to form pictures and images, which
create no cause or effect. Who protects nature? Who tries to heal it?
TOM: Smokey Bear?
CROW: Nah, Woodsy Owl.
MIKE: You're both wrong. It's State Farm.
TOM & CROW: HUH?
The claims would be numerous, yet with so many doing this, it still dies and
takes us violently with it.
TOM: Nice...
Prayers will not do it. Nor killing off those who will continue destroying it.
CROW: Yet killing off those who pray works wonders!
Spells, chants and bon fires will not do it. If the many who make the
claim, would truely attempt to investigate the real history of those
lovely fires, it would trace back before the true Druid people.
TOM: Guys...
MIKE & CROW: Yes?
TOM: WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT!!??!
CROW: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T...[begins sobbing uncontrollably]
MIKE: Hey, it's okay, little guy... [cradles Crow]
Druids were never Pagans until the term was adopted.
TOM: "Hi, I'm Kurt and this is Bobbie. We're a young professional Druid
couple who would love to give a little Pagan baby a loving home. If you've
ever considered adoption, please call us!"
And with so little real knowlage of the history, it was decided to become
what the ruling religionhad stereo-typed it. But that's like a tall tale,
getting taller as it's passed down the line, the duller, less vivid
explosion of power and action leftbehind as falsehoods, replaced by the
lusterous glamour told of only in King Arthur stories.
CROW: Whoa, we've gone from Romans to Christians to Druids to KING
ARTHUR!? [begins sobbing again]
MIKE: Crow, come on!
TOM: Snap out of it, Crow! This is what Dr. Forrester WANTS! Get a grip!
CROW: [composing himself] pant...pant...Sorry, guys.
So why hasn't anyone sought the beginning of all these various cults and
myths which allegedly formed all of our worlds?
ALL: BECAUSE WE HAVE LIVES!!!
And why should specific holidays be claimed under one religious title when
it was never a part of that belief system? Halloween for instance, is not
a pagan ritual. It is Druid, and the truth of it is known in vauge
reshapings.
CROW: So why don't the Druids sue John Carpenter for trademark
infringement or something?
MIKE: They'd probably just build a big wicker man and burn him.
TOM: "Vauge Reshapings." Is that a Madonna remix album?
Originaly of the Druid race alone, it did not worship the spirits of the
dead or ancestory, or imps, sprites and faerae.
TOM: What about Diet Sprites?
MIKE: Ah, that stuff's for faeraes.
CROW: [laughs] ZING!
Originaly, it was believed that once a year, the spirits of those who have
passed on to a lesser place than completeness, would return to the realm
of the living, to seek what they had lost, so they may return to find
peace.
TOM: "Uh, hi, anyone see my carkeys? Heh...I hate this...always die,
forget my carkeys...stupid of me..."
Some of these spirits were evil and could try to cause harm to the living.
MIKE: Some of them were mimes and would get punched out by the living.
Plates of food were left out on the doorsteps of each abode, to appease
whatever spirit happened by. If a place had no plate of food, that
residence was usualy the target for unfavorable activity until the sun
rose, as each that passed by
expressed it's disappointment in the lack of understanding, and/or respect.
MIKE: So the undead invented rolling a house with toilet paper?
TOM: Wonder what they'd do if you left beer on the doorstep?
The ancient fires (bon-fires) were lit to ward off those wandering spirits
from entering the fields where the crops were grown, and a fire was lit in the
fire places, or candles where there was no fire place,
CROW: ...Or Junior's hair, where there was no candle...
to keep the stronger spirits from entering inside.
During the night hours of Halloween, it was wise to remain indoors. Those
that had to go out, would disguise themselves to appear as one of the spirits,
or another spirit, in order to protect one's self from being attacked.
MIKE: Unless they dressed like RuPaul.
The only rites that were performed, was perhaps of water poured into an earthen
bowl, and set at the door.
TOM: Later came flaming doggy-doo in paper sacks.
For evil spirits could not cross water of the earth. Or if it were windy,
white dove feathers (or simular bird) were hung in a mobile-like fashion,
to appear as those birds that was believed to carry the soul to and from
this world.
CROW: The birds didn't like being hung in this fashion, but what the hell.
The use of salt was to perserve the threshold, or food, or perhaps
clothing, to make a shield against the decay of the dead, and those who
tried to command such powers.
MIKE: The use of cayenne pepper helped make the dead spicy and delicious.
TOM: Gross!
There were no 'Gods' or 'Godesses', but spiritual forces from which came
the items used in the trickery to fool thewandering spirits.
Of course that did not keep others from twisting the truth. The Greeks
friends and neighbors
CROW: ...always spoiled everything by calling the cops just when the party
was getting good.
to many different peoples, Druids, Egyptians (who learned from the Druids)
to name the most common. However, they did not twist the concepts as
modern day has, but added their dreamy-eye of vision to give the spirits a
more human-like demeanor.
TOM: [effete voice] "Okay, sweets, I'm just gonna add some dreamy-eye
mascara, then a little foundation here, just to blend your natural skin
tones a bit, okay, love?"
How else to raise one self close to the higher realms?
MIKE: Try some "X"!
Or maybe it was that the Egyptians had spirits that closely resembled the
Greeks, so the two have now become a lightly painted reflectionof
eachother.
The Yule log is another, that was strictly of the Druids until the
northern tribes adopted it.
MIKE: Man, these Druids just get one bum deal after another!
TOM: Need better lawyers...
CROW: "Holidays copied by cheesy western religions? Holy rites degraded
into childish door-to-door candy-collecting rituals? Frustrated by laws
that prohibit ritual murder? Call Yngwie, Gandalf, & Balrog. No fee for
consultation."
But to adopt a culture's piece of life, is not to know it's whole, or true
purpose. The Yule log was a time when the Druid gave thanks, and to help
guide the spirit of spring and nature back. It also was done to keep a
promise, that for one sun-rise to sun-rise, a single fire would be kept
alive, with the smoke of the past spring and fall's wine, to show that the
gaurdians of the earth still held true to their words, and life.
CROW: Guys, I think there's more of this...
TOM: Sorry, I can't take it. Let's get out of here.
MIKE: [picking up Tom] I'll never look at a tree the same way again.
CROW: I'll never look at a tree!
[...1...2...3...4...5...6]
[Crow is dressed in a hooded cloak and holds a torch, chanting ominously.
Tom Servo is trapped inside an enormous wicker replica of himself, and is
alternating pleading for his life with trying to blow out Crow's torch.]
TOM: CROW, NO!! <PFFFFF> Listen, I'm SORRY about the torch thing, PLEEEEASE...!
CROW: Mmmmmmnnnoonmmm...nnommmmooommmno...mmm
[Mike enters.]
MIKE: Holy...!
TOM: MIKE! AAAAAAAAA! HELP ME! CROW'S STILL MAD ABOUT ME BLASTING HIS HEAD
OFF AND NOW HE'S GONNA SACRIFICE ME TO HIS PAGAN GODS!! HEEEEEEEELP!
[Mike grabs the torch before Crow can light the wood.]
CROW: Ahh, Jezz, Mike, you never let me have any fun!
MIKE: I'm surprised at you, Crow. You should know better than to carry an
open torch on board.
CROW: I know, but...
MIKE: The sprinkler system could never handle it. Chuck him out the airlock.
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Mike and Crow burst out laughing.]
MIKE: Ah, come on, little guy. All in good fun! Now let's get you out of
this thing.
[Mike releases a shivering, gibbering Tom from the wicker robot.]
MIKE: So guys, have we all had an enlightening experience about the ways
of the ancient Druid culture?
CROW: Oh, have we ever! It's so SAD the way all their holy rituals have
been commercially co-opted by superficial modern traditions!
MIKE: Well, Dr. F.? What do you think?
[Deep 13. Dr. F. scowls in barely repressed rage; yet another experiment,
its destructive capacity second to none, turned into a JOKE by these
buffoons in space!]
DR. F.: Grrrr...next time, Nelson...I won't be so NICE!
[push]
\ /
--- O ---
/ \
MiSTed by Martin Wagner
--
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"The fact has not created in me
a sense of obligation."
--Stephen Crane
MW