MiSTed: The Underground People (2/2)
Hekan Svensson
(continued from part 1)
[6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1]
>
> Subject: The Underground People. Part 3. Feb. 20, 1997.
>
> This part, after a while talks about Dulce.
CROW: [dull monotone] Oh, joy.
>
> .....................................................................
> .....................................................................
MIKE: But what about Wakko and Yakko?
>
> We have now spotted and photographed the small orbs around the
> "Anthill." These orbs definitely exhibit the peculiar characteristics
> reported in other UFO sightings.
TOM: Which are too peculiar too mention, I guess.
>
> Since that time, we have located two other secret facilities. One is
> at a place in the Mojave-Desert called Llano.
MIKE: Calrissian?
> It is an extremely
> secure facility, but witnesses have seen an extremely bright light
> burning atop a pylon inside of a movable behemoth- sized sre to say "Go away! There are no secret alien bases here! No
secrets at all! Now, scram!"
CROW: I'm not an alien! I might have a light that breaks all rules of
conventional physics, but I'm not an alien!
> Orbs
> have been seen in the vicinity of this facility as well.
CROW: Yes, strangely enough, the sun shines here too.
>
> We can only conjecture about what secret programs are being conducted
> away from preying eyes.
TOM: The the eye creatures?
> The underground can and does hold all sorts of
> secrets. Some of the most amazing revelations about what goes on in
> the underground projects comes from a mysterious informant named
MIKE: Deep Throat.
CROW: Mike! And you're calling *me* dirty!
> Thomas, and who claims there is, indeed, a deep dark secret harbored
> underneath the of Northern New Mexico.
>
> The Deep Dark Secret at Dulce
TOM: American Authors Alarm Against Atrocious Amounts of Alliteration!
>
> Dulce is a sleepy little town in northern New Mexico of about 900
> population located above 7,000 feet on the Jicarilla Apache Indian
> Reservation. There is only one major motel and a few stores. It's not
> a resort town and it is not bustling with activity.
MIKE: So... I guess you could call it "dulceville"!
CROW: [rim shot]
> But, according to
> a few outsiders, Dulce harbors a deep, dark secret.
TOM: Those who live there and would know say otherwise.
> The secret is
> harbored deep below the tangled brush of Archuleta Mesa.
CROW: "Harbored"? There's a port down there, too?
> The secret is
> said to be a joint
MIKE: Well, that's no secret. Clinton admitted he smoked it.
> government-alien biogenetic laboratory designed to
> carry out bizarre experiments on humans and animals.
TOM: I just hope they don't show "Manos" there.
>
> New Mexico State Police Officer Gabe Valdez was drawn into the
> mysteries of Dulce when called to investigate a mutilated cow in a
> pasture 13 miles east of Dulce on the Manual Gomez ranch.
CROW: Where all the work was done by hand.
> Gomez had
> lost four cattle to mutilations between 1976 and June 1978 when a team
> of investigators which included Tom Adams arrived from Paris, Texas to
> examine the site of the carcasses.
_ _
TOM: On tonight's episode of "The _-_ Files".
MIKE: The _-_ is out there!
CROW: *Way* out there!
>
> Curious as to how cattle were being selected by the mysterious
> mutilators, an interesting experiment was conducted
MIKE: In G minor.
> on July 5, 1978 by
> Valdez, Gomez, and retired scientist Howard Burgess. They pinned up
> about 120 of the Gomez beef cattle and moved them through a squeeze
> chute under an ultraviolet light.
CROW: The conclusion of the experiment was that a neat suntan doesn't
necessarily make cows more attractive.
> They found a "glittery substance on
> the right side of the neck, the right ear, and the right leg."
CROW: Sparkles, however, make cows *really* hot.
> Samples
> of the affected hides were removed as well as control samples from the
> same animals.
TOM: They used *every* part of the cow.
> Schoenfeld Clinical Laboratories in Albuquerque analyzed
> the samples and found significant deposits of potassium and magnesium.
> The potassium content was 70 times above normal.
MIKE: Well, there's potassium, so there *must* be space people involved.
> Some investigators attribute the mutilations to aliens from UFOs.
TOM: As opposed to aliens from planet Earth?
> UFOs
> have been seen frequently around Dulce. Sightings of strange lights
> and other aerial phenomena
MIKE: I think I've seen this one already. Is this where Travolta gets
really smart?
> have been reported in many areas where the
> cows have been found at the time of the reported mutilation.
CROW: Why are these aliens so interested in cows, anyway?
TOM: Just becows.
MIKE: Tom, I think your pun module needs adjusting.
>
> On April 19, 1988, I arrived in Dulce to visit with Gabe Valdez and
> inquire about the sightings, the mutes,
CROW: Oh, no! It's a mime!
ALL: NOOOOO!
> and the rumors of an
> underground alien base. Snow was still on the ground.
TOM: Yep, gravity works.
> I checked into
> the Best Western Motel and called Valdez to make an appointment to see
> me at 9:30 PM. I found Gabe to be a very congenial host, offering to
> show me around the roads of Dulce that night
MIKE: "Here. Let me show you the roads at night. I don't want you to see
them at day when you can see that there's nothing special about
them."
> and point out some
> various locations where he had found mutilated cows or had seen
> strange aerial lights.
CROW: "Here's a light pole. Strange how these things work, isn't it?
Look, there's another light pole!"
> He made the astounding statement that he was
> still seeing unidentified aircraft at the rate of one every two
> nights.
MIKE: Nothing special, just ordinary airplanes, he just couldn't identify
them.
> We took a look at the Gomez Ranch,
TOM: Where we were greeted by a butler who spoke in a really low bass
voice.
> the road by the Navajo
> River, and the imposing Archuleta Mesa. Gabe had found landing tracks
> and crawler marks near the site of the mutes,
CROW: Well, it's about time that someone ran over those mimes.
> and was convinced that
> scientist Paul Bennewitz of Thunder Scientific Labs in Albuquerque,
> was definitely on the right track in his attempts to
MIKE: ...try to take over THE WORLD!
> locate the
> underground alien facility in the vicinity of Dulce. No one knew for
> sure where the facility was located or how humans or aliens gained
> secret entry to the facility.
TOM: Might that be because it was secret?
>
> I had first heard of Paul Bennewitz in 1980 when my friend Walter
> called me from Albuquerque and told me he had been working with Paul
> on electronic instruments.
CROW: They had started a band and was just about to release their first
record.
> Walter informed me that Paul had not only
> photographed UFOs, but had established a communication link with their
> underground base at Dulce.
MIKE: Unfortunately, the aliens didn't speak English.
> Bennewitz had first come to prominence
> during the August, 1980, sightings over the Manzano Weapons Storage
> Area at Kirtland AFB.
TOM: *What* sightings? Have we missed something?
CROW: Yes. Be thankful.
> A Kirtland AFB incident report dated October 28,
> 1980 mentions that Bennewitz had taken film of the UFOs over Kirtland.
CROW: Unfortunately, he didn't put the film in a camera.
> Paul, who was president of the Thunder Scientific Labs which was
> adjacent to Kirtland gave a briefing in Albuquerque detailing how he
> had seen the aliens on a video screen.
MIKE: With his eyes, I hope.
> At the time, the aliens were
> transmitting signals to him from a base underneath Archuleta Mesa.
TOM: Wasn't it nice of the aliens to use the NTSC system for their
transmissions so that Paul could receive them?
MIKE: Yep. It wouldn't be good if the aliens used PAL.
>
> Researcher William Moore claims that the government agents became
> interested in Bennewitz's activities and were trying to defuse him by
> pumping as much disinformation through him as he could absorb.
CROW: They made him read John_-_Winston's postings!
> Whether
> Paul's communication with supposed aliens at the Dulce Base was part
> of this disinformation campaign is unclear. If we believe that Paul is
> the single source of reports on the Dulce Facility, then discounting
> Paul's story
TOM: Save money on Paul's story here! 50% off!
> and discrediting him could be a tactical maneuver. The
> actual disinformation maneuver would result in making the public
> believe there was nothing to the Dulce story.
CROW: As if the public would put any faith in some nut babbling about
underground UFO bases in the first case...
>
> In a report entitled "PROJECT BETA,"
MIKE: Bill Gates explains how he can make billions selling unfinished
software and make even more money selling "updates" necessary to make
it work.
> Paul states that he had spent two
> years tracking the alien craft; that he had constant reception of
> video from an alien ship and underground base viewscreen;
TOM: It was white noise, but he was pretty sure it was from an alien ship.
> that he had
> established constant direct communications with the aliens using a
> computer and a form of hexadecimal code with graphics and print-out;
CROW: Someone tell these aliens they need a license from Compuserve to use
GIFs!
> and claims to have used aerial and ground photography to locate the
> alien ship's launch ports charged beam weapons. Paul claimed that the
> aliens were devious, employed deception,
TOM: The aliens are equal opportunity employers.
> and did not adhere to
> agreements.
MIKE: They were non-stick aliens.
> He and Walter were working on a weapon that would counter
> the aliens.
TOM: Paul and Walter counter the aliens!
MIKE: If the weapon's a computer virus, I'm outta here!
>
> Have we crossed over from the land of the real world to the land of
> science-fiction?
ALL: YES!
> But then, bizarre phenomena may have its roots in a
> bizarre reality. As we continue our studies, the world of
> science-fiction will become the world of science-fact.
TOM: Oh no! It's the narrator from Monster-A-Go-Go!
CROW and TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
MIKE: What are you two on about?
TOM: Trust me, Mike, you *don't* want to know.
>
> Paul Bennewitz had investigated the case of abductee Myrna Hansen of
> New Mexico, who reported having been taken to an underground facility
> in May 1980.
TOM: The investigation revealed absolutely nothing, which makes it pretty
pointless to mention.
> Christa Tilton of Oklahoma claims she had an experience
> of missing time in July, 1987, when she had been abducted by two small
> grey aliens
CROW: Are you sure they weren't green?
> and transported in their craft to a hillside location
> where she encountered a man dressed in a red military-type jump suit.
BOTS: MIKE!
CROW: I could never have guessed!
MIKE: Okay, so I did do some part-time work for the government before I
began working at Happy Temps!
> She was taken into a tunnel through computerized check-points
> displaying security cameras. She reports having been taken on a
> transit vehicle to another area
TOM: As opposed to a transit vehicle to where she already was?
> where she stepped on a scale-like
> device facing a computer screen. After the computer issued her an
> identification card, she was told by her guide that they had just
> entered Level One of a seven-level underground facility.
MIKE: Hi, Welcome to our top secret underground base. Please let me be your
guide for the evening. To the right hand side is our top secret alien
spaceship, which I really shouldn't tell you about, since it's secret.
CROW: Yep. These aliens really know how to keep things secret.
> Christa goes
> on relating how she was eventually take down to Level Five, where she
MIKE: ...finally got to face Bowser!
> reports having seen alien craft
CROW: Alien embroidery, alien woodwork...
> and little grey alien entities in some
> of the areas that she passed through.
TOM: Even the bad guys in movies know how to blindfold people when they
are taken to the secret base.
MIKE: Yes, but this is the U.S. military.
TOM: Point taken.
>
> In one large room where she saw computerized gauges hooked to large
> tanks and large arms that extended from some tubing down into the
> tanks.
MIKE: Oh, that's just the army kitchen.
> She noticed a humming sound, smelled formaldehyde,
MIKE: Yep. Definitely the army kitchen.
> and had the
> impression that a liquid was being stirred in the tanks. She was not
> shown the contents of these tanks.
TOM: Which makes the tanks pretty pointless to mention.
> Christa has made drawings of much
> of what she claims to have witnessed during her abduction.
TOM: Which aren't reproduced here and are even more pointless to mention.
>
> These tanks were also depicted in a set of controversial papers called
> the "Dulce Papers," which were allegedly stolen from the Dulce
> underground facility along with over 30 black and white photos
MIKE: 15 of them were black, the rest were white.
> and a
> video tape. The mysterious security officer who took the papers claims
> to have worked at Dulce until 1979 when he decided that the time had
> come to part company with his employers.
CROW: The employers got custody of the children.
>
> The rest of this chapter relates
TOM: "relates"? Is the rest of this chapter in therapy?
MIKE: No, but it could do with some.
> how this security officer met with a
> colleague of mine in order to tell us the truth about the aliens, the
> U.S. Government, and the Dulce Base.
CROW: Unfortunately, all the colleague got was this heap of paranoid dung.
> His intention was to come out of
> hiding and present hard evidence to back his claims.
TOM: Does anyone here think there's a chance of *that* happening?
MIKE and CROW: No!
>
> In late 1979, Thomas C. could no longer cope with the awesome reality
> he had to confront.
CROW: So he started doing drugs.
> As a high level security officer at the joint
> alien-U.S. Government underground base near Dulce he had learned of
> and had seen disturbing things.
MIKE: Soylent Green is made of PEOPLE!
> After much inner conflict,
CROW: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
> he decided
> to desert the facility and take various items with him.
TOM: But I thought the facility was already in the desert!
>
> Using a small camera, he took over 30 photos of areas within the
> multi-level complex.
MIKE: The Mall of America?
> He collected documents and removed a security
> video tape from the Control Center which showed various security
> camera views of the hallways, labs, aliens,
CROW: ...showers, lavatories...
> and U.S. Government
> personnel to take with him. Then, by shutting off the alarm and camera
> system in one of the over 100 exits to the surface,
CROW: These aliens *really* know how to keep things secret.
> he left the
> facility with the photos, video, and documents. The "originals" were
> hidden after five sets of copies were made.
TOM: The author uses quotes here because the photos were obviously faked.
>
> Thomas was ready to go into hiding. But, when he went to pick up his
> wife
CROW: [Thomas] Say... What's a nice lady like you doing in a place like
this?
> and young son, he found a van and government agents waiting. His
> wife and child had been kidnapped. He had been betrayed by K. Lomas (a
> fellow worker).
MIKE: ...and a good friend.
> The agents wanted what Thomas had taken from the
> facility in order to get his wife and son back. When it became
> apparent to him they would be used in biological experiments and were
> not going to be returned unharmed, he decided to get lost.
TOM: He threw away his roadmap.
> That was
> over ten years ago. How did Thomas get involved in all this covert
> intrigue?
CROW: I think it is because he stole confidential material and betrayed
his employers.
MIKE: Oh, you can do that with impunity. Don't you remember "Premier
Maquis"?
>
> Part 3.
>
> John Winston. john...@mlode.com
>
TOM: And I think we should part, too.
[Mike and the bots exit the theater.]
[SoL bridge]
TOM: So, Mike, you worked for the government before you joined Happy Temps?
MIKE: Yeah, but just for a while.
CROW: So what can you tell you about secret bases and aliens and stuff?
MIME: I'm really not supposed to tell you anything unless I kill you
afterwards, but no one's going to get me out here.
CROW: All right! So, where there any aliens visiting Earth?
MIKE: None, unless you count the space cows.
TOM: Space cows?
MIKE: Yeah. Strange creatures--everything was quiet, then suddenly we
received a transmission from some being from the constellation Taurus
demanding to speak to our leader bull.
TOM: You're kidding me!
MIKE: No, really! Can you imagine what happened when they found out that
cows are bred for food here?
TOM: I'd rather not.
MIKE: Luckily, they never found out that we humans were in charge of the
planet, since they assumed that no non-bovine species could be
sentient.
CROW: How tight-minded.
MIKE: You could say that. They brought who they thought were the leaders
to their ships for questioning, and brought them back horribly
mutilated when they refused to talk.
TOM: How do you control a spaceship with cloves, anyway?
MIKE: They use cattletech. You see... Oh no, USENET SIGN!
[Lights, buzzers, yada, yada, yada.]
[6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1]
> Subject: The Underground People. Part 4 of 4. Feb. 20, 1997.
>
> This part continues to talk
MIKE: ...and goes on and on and on and on...
> abo............................
TOM: Problems with spots? Use Clearasil!
>
> Thomas, now is his 50's was in his mid-twenties,
CROW: ...in the sixties.
> when he received top
> secret training in photography at an underground facility in West
> Virginia.
TOM: Top secret photography?
MIKE: Yeah, we weren't allowed to let the public know how to use a camera.
> For seven years he worked in high security photography in
> the Air Force. In 1971, he left and went to work for the Rand Corp. in
> Santa Monica, California.
MIKE: Just some random corporation.
> In 1977 he was transferred to the Dulce
> facility. He bought a home in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and worked Monday
> through Friday.
CROW: Oooh, not many people do that.
> He commuted to work via a deep underground
> tube-shuttle sysd was privately investigating UFO sightings, animal
> mutilations, Masonic and Wicca groups in the area.
MIKE: Does anyone else feel that what we've read so far was just a starter
for the *real* looniness?
> Thomas had a mutual
> friend
CROW: ...and a longtime companion...
> who came to Santa Fe in 1979 to visit both the researcher and
> Thomas. This visitor later viewed the photos, the video tape, and
> documents taken from the Dulce Base. Drawings were made from what was
> seen and later circulated in
TOM: ...the circular file.
> the UFO research community as the "Dulce
> Papers."
TOM: Why drawings? Why not copies of the photos?
MIKE: Because that would be convincing, and UFO believers never have
anything convincing to come with.
>
> Thomas alleges that there were over 18,0 at the Dulce
> Facility, and that he saw reptilian humanoids.
TOM: Tyrannosaurus Red Dragon Thunderzord Power!
> A colleague had come
> face-to-face with a 6-foot tall Reptoid which had materialized in his
> house.
CROW: If this post turns into a retelling of "The Lost World", I'm
*leaving*!
> The Reptoid showed an interest in research maps of New Mexico
> and Colorado which were on the wall.
TOM: The reptoid found the taste of paper interesting.
> The maps were full of colored
> push-pins and markers to indicate sites of animal mutilations,
> caverns, locations of high UFO activity, repeated flight paths,
> abduction sites, ancient ruins, and suspected alien underground bases.
TOM: [reptoid] *crunch* *crunch* *chunch* OWWWW!
>
> The multi-level facility at Dulce levels.
CROW: So if your security level goes down, it goes up?
> Thomas had an ULTRA-7 clearance. He knew
> of seven sub-levels, but there may have been more.
MIKE: Yeah, he missed the hidden level near Cool, Cool Mountain.
> Most of the aliens
> supposedly are on levels 5, 6 and 7 with alien housing on level 5. The
> only sign in English was over the tube shuttle station hallway which
> read "to Los Alamos."
TOM: The rest were in Spanish. The base used illegal immigrants for labor
almost exclusively.
> Connections go from Dulce to the Page, Arizona
> facility, then onto an underground base below Area 51 in Nevada.
CROW: By my count, this post has now mentioned every single nutso alien
conspiracy theory out there.
> ; Creed, Colorado; Sandia' then on to
> Carlsbad, New Mexico.
MIKE: Probably the best alien base in the world.
>
> There appears to be a vast network of tube shuttle connections under
> the U.S. which extends into a global system of tunnels and sub-cities.
CROW: Under the Atlantic and Pacific oceans? Sure, I'll buy *that*!
>
> At the Dulce Base, most signs on doors and hallways are in the alien
> symbol language and a universal symbol system understood by humans and
> aliens.
TOM: Yes, that's much more convenient that having them in English as well.
> Thomas stated that after the second level, everyone is weighed
> in the nude, then given a uniform.
MIKE: Then they wear the uniform, which makes them heavier anyway.
> Visitors are given off-white
> uniforms; jump suits with a zipper.
TOM: Much more convenient that those you canny change in weight is noted; if over
> three pounds, a physical exam and X-ray is required.
CROW: Man, these weightwatchers are getting fierce!
>
> Scales are located in front of all sensitive areas
MIKE: Except for the gills and fins.
> and are built into
> the floor near doorways and the door control panels. An individual
> places his computer I.D. card into the door slot, then enters a
> numerical code onto a keypad.
TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] Well, *thanks* for that *startling* revelation!
> The person's weight and code must match
> the card or the door will not open. Any discrepancy will summon
> security.
CROW: [security guard] So, Mr. Nelson, you had an extra doughnut for lunch,
didn't you?
MIKE: No! No! Please! I swear!
> No one is allowed to carry anything into sensitidon't want to know about your sensitive areas, thank you.
>
> All elevators are controlled magnetically; there are no elevator
> cables. The magnetic system is inside the walls of the elevator shaft,
> there are no normal electrical controls. Everything is controlled by
> advanced magnetics, including lighting.
TOM: So, how are the lights powered?
MIKE: Don't worry, I'm sure the author will get to that.
> There are no regular light
> bulbs and the tunnels are illuminated by phosphorous units with broad
> structureless emission bands.
CROW: I've seen more convincing technobabble used on Voyager!
> Some deep tunnels use a form of
> phosphorous pentoxide to temporarily illuminate areas.
TOM: I would just like to point out that while phosphorus is inflammable,
phosphorus pentoxide is phosphorus that has wrong? Inconceivable!
> The aliens
> won't go near these areas for reasons unknown.
TOM: Of course, it could have something to do with phosphorus being
lethally toxic.
MIKE: Give it a rest, will you?
>
> Level 1 contains the garage for street maintenance. Level 2 contains
> the garage for trains, shuttles, tunnel-boring machines
CROW: Very-boring posts.
> and disc
> maintenance. The studies on Level 4 include human-aura research,
MIKE: Make up your mind! Is it human or a research?
> as
> well as all aspects of telepathy, hypnosis, and dreams. Thomas says
> that they know how to separate the bioplasmic body from the physical
> body to place an "alien entity" life-force-matrix within a human body
it*
too much!
>
> Level 6 is privately called "Nightmare Hall."
TOM: It's called Monty Hall in public.
> It holds the genetic
> labs, where experiments are done on fish, seals, birds, and mice that
> are vastly altered from their original form. There are multi-armed and
> multi-legged humans
TOM: Well, *that's* unusual.
> and several cages (and vats) of humanoid bat-like
> creatures as tall as 7-feet.
MIKE: Da na na na na na na na--Batman!
> The aliens have taught the humans a lot
> about genetics; things both useful and dangerous.
CROW: Useful: cure for diseases. Dangerous: cloning Peter Graves.
>
> The Grey and reptoid species are highly analytical and technologically
> oriented. They have had ancient conflicts with the Nordic humans from
> other space societies,
TO and may be staging here for a future conflict.
> Intensely into computing and bio- engineering sciences, they are led
> to doing reckless experiments without regard for what we consider to
> be ethical and empathetic conduct toward other living creatures.
MIKE: "Now, class, your experiment for today will be a closer study in
the anatomy of a frog."
>
> Principal government organizations involved in mapping human genetics,
> the so-called genome projects, are within the Department of Energy
> (which has a heavy presence on the Nevada Test Site); the National
> Institute of Health;
CROW: Oh, yeah, those were the ones that made the mice intelligent.
> the National Science Foundation; the Howard Huges
> Medical Institute; and, of course, the Dulce Underground Labs which
> are run by the DOE.
CROW: Disposable Ordinary Ensigns?
MIKE: Dead Onts for Los Alamos and Dulce is Larry Deaven.
MIKE: No! Not Larry Deaven!
CROW: Larry Deaven! Who could have thought?
TOM: I'm shocked--Hey, who's Larry Deaven?
[Mike and Crow shrug.]
>
> According to Thomas, the alien androgynal breeder is capable of
> parthenogenesis. At Dulce, the common form or reproduction
MIKE: Make up your mind! Is it the common form or reproduction?
> is by
> polyembryony. Each embryo can, and does divide into 6 to 9 individual
> "cunne" (pronounced cooney, i.e. siblings).
MIKE: Wasn't he on "E.R."?
> The needed nutriment for
> the developing cunne is supplied by the "formula," which usually
> consist of
CROW: ...twelve different herbs and spices!
> plasma, deoxyhemoglobin, albumin, lysozyme, cation,
TOM: "cation"? Looks like someone played "pin the tail on the chemistry
dictionary"!
> amniotic fluid and more. The term "genome" is used to describe the
> as fine a grip on genetics and biology as
he has on chemistry.
> as distinct from the genotype, which is the
> information contained within those chromosomes. The human genes are
> mapped to specific chromosomal locations. This is an ambitious project
> that will take years and a lot of computer power to accomplish.
MIKE: In fact, scientists worldwide are working on it *without* secrecy
and conspiracies.
>
> Is the alien and human BIO-TECH being used to nurture and serve us, or
> is it being used to control and dominate us?
MIKE: Yes, it probably is one of those two.
> Why have UFO abductees
> been used in genetic experiments?
TOM: Because it's hard to find volunteers.
> It was when Thomas encountered
> humans in cages on Level 7 of the Dulce facility that things finally
> reached a climax for him.
[Crow starts to say something, looks at Mike, and thinks better of it.]
> e. He says, "I frequently encountered humans in cages,
CROW: Kinky.
> usually
> dazed or drugged, but sometimes they cried and begged for help. We
> were told they were hopelessly insane, and involved in high-risk drug
> tests to cure insanity.
MIKE: Nine out of ten doctors recommend fine quality posts from
John_-_Winston for insanity! Guaranteed to drive you out of your mind
after two posts, max!
> We were told to never speak to them at all. At
> the beginning we believed that story. Finally in 1978 a small group of
> workers discovered the truth. That began the Dulce wars."
TOM: WHAT? What wars? Speak to me, damnit, speak to me!
>
> Thomas also says the aliens don't want the land, the gold, the
> minerals, or water that we posses, nor even the human or animal life.
CROW: I thens harvest this magic power in a way unknown to us.
TOM: When you've done with your paranoia, take a book on physics and look
up "induction." It might surprise you.
> Thomas says the aliens recognize this power as more valuable than any
> other commodity on our globe.
MIKE: Yes, *that* explains the abductions.
>
> It may be unpalatable to digest or believe Thomas' story.
TOM: Unless you're a reptoid, that is.
> In fact, it
> seems like part of a living nightmare.
MIKE: ...of the readers.
> There is evidence that
> something strange does go on at Dulce.
CROW: The author think so, so it *must* be that way!
> Does Thomas have the answer?
ALL: NO!!
> There may be a terrible truth hidden behind the continuing phenomena
> of UFO sightnment
> intelligence agencies have had an ongoing watchful eye on all UFO
> activities for many decades now.
MIKE: Of course, there hasn't been any UFO activities for many decades
now.
> This extraordinary phenomenon must
> have an extraordinary explanation. We may be only one outpost in a
> vast interstellar empire.
TOM: Mmmmmmmmmaybe.
>
> Recently, researcher John Anderson went to Dulce, N.M., to see if
> there was any truth to the reported UFO activity.
TOM: Okay, what kind of serious researcher would do such a thing?
MIKE: Well, he went there to look into something, which is enough for
the author to call him a researcher.
TOM: Right. That explains the abundance of "researchers" in this post.
> He says as he
> arrived in town he saw a caravan of cars and a McDonell-Douglas
> mi He followed
> them to a fenced-in compound where he waited to see further
> developments.
TOM: Why would he do that? He hasn't taken any pictures yet!
> Suddenly, six UFOs descended rapidly over the compound,
> hovered long enough for him to snap a picture, then shot up and out of
> sight.
MIKE: ...resulting in a *terrible* picture.
> When later stopping at a store, he told the owner about the UFO
> photo he had taken, the store owner listened and revealed how he had
> been a victim rancher of cattle mutes.
CROW: Well, cattle don't normally say much, do they?
MIKE: Actually, the space cows were fairly talkative. It's just that they
didn't understand English.
> Their conversation was
> interrupted by a phone call. The store owner told John to leave at
> once, then after John went to his car, he saw a mysterious van drive
> up to the store and a man got out and went inside. John, decidinginside city
limits... Could we please see your license and registration?"
>
> Even more recently a research team has gone up to Archuleta Mesa to
> take soundings under the ground.
TOM: And now, 4' 33" performed by the ground of Archuleta Mesa.
> Preliminary and tentative computer
> analysis of these soundings seem to indicate deep cavities under the
> mesa.
MIKE: Well, get a dentist then!
>
> How long will the secret of Dulce, known to insiders as Section D,
> remain locked up inside the mute New Mexico mountains? Forever?
CROW: Hopefully, YES! That would mean that this post never happened!
>
> Part 4 of 4.
>
> John Winston. john...@mlode.com
TOM: And it is finally over!
MIKE: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: [dully] Yay.
[They exit the theater.]
MIKE: Whew! That post was a chore and a half.
CROW: You can say that again. Y that
John_-_ and other UFO believers have failed to meet even one.
MIKE: Yeah, that's funny, and...
MAGIC VOICE: Danger! We have an unknown craft approaching rapidly.
MIKE: Cambot, on screen!
[The hexscreen shows a strange ship shaped like a half sphere, with
engines sticking out of it. On the whole, it resembles a cow's udder.]
MIKE: Oh, great. If these are who I think they are, we're in for trouble.
TOM: What do you mean?
[The hexscreen switches to show a cow with cybernetic implants around its
head (think cow assimilated by the Borg).]
COW: Mooooo! Moo moo-moo moooo!
MIKE: It's the space cows I told you about earlier. He wants to speak to
our leader bull.
COW: Moooooooooooo. Moo moo MOO!
MIKE: Either that, or they'll blow the ship up.
CROW: Can you tell them that there is no leader bull here?
MIKE: I'll try. [To screen] Mooo mooo. Mooooo Moomoo?
CROW: MOOOOOO! MOOy'll just blow us up
right here and now.
[The udder-craft fires a blast at the Sol, casing it to shake violently.
Gypsy enters the screen.]
GYPSY: What's happening?
[The space cow on the hexscreen notices Gypsy. As he does so, the firing
ceases.]
COW: Moo, moooo-moo. Moo moooo MOO?
MIKE: Moo. MOOO-mooo.
[The hexscreen shows the udder-craft turning away and leaving.]
TOM: What was that about?
MIKE: He asked why we didn't mention before that we had a sacred purple
cow aboard. I wonder what he could have meant by that.
TOM: Yeah, strange.
[The interior of the Volkswagen bus from hell appears on the hexscreen.
Bobo has an alien stuck on his face, similar to the one Tom had problems
with earlier. Pearl is yanking the alien, trying to remove it.]
BOBO: MmmmmnNnnppphhttp!
PEARL: Robert McElwaine! [She notices Mike and the bots.] Oh, you. Well,
it seems you surviveiff!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (C) 199X by Best Brains, Inc. [Pearl is heard
shouting "Meaghan Edwards!"] All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; [Pearl yells
"Archimedes Plutonium!"] no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
[Pearl shouts "Alexander Abian!"] This post is for amusement only and
should not be seen as a personal attack on Robert McElwaine or John
Winston. [Pearl screams "Stanford Wallace!" A plopping sound is heard as
the alien flees from Bobo's face and seats itself somewhere else.]
BOBO: I am grateful for that, Lawgiver. Lawgiver?
PEARL: [muffled] Mmmmmmgghhpphh!!!!
> In 1828, Jens and Olaf Jansen, a father and son team of
> Norwegian fi friendly giants who live down there.
--
.-. _-~\ .-. \==/ | Sir Hekan Svensson -- EuroMiSTie #00001
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