MiSTing my junkmail
Vern Jorgenson
I've been a big fan of MST3K for a while and am new to posting to the
group - hope you like this Junk Mail annihilation entitled :
"All Men Look at this - It's Cool!!!"
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Crow bursts onto the bridge of SOL wearing a loud, checkered jacket.
Tom, Mike, and Gypsy stare in bewilderment.
Crow: How are ya', how are ya'!!!
Tom: (Sigh) Crow, what are you wearing???
Crow: Guys, I hit it big! I made a ton of money overnight - you can
too...lemme tell ya'...
Mike: Uh, Crow - how exactly did you "hit it big"?
Crow: It's easy, guys...I just sent in five bucks...
All: WHAT?
Tom: Crow, you sorry misguided fool - you've been had!
Mike: Yeah, have you seen any money yet? How'd you afford those clothes?
Crow: Well, no...it takes a little time...and...well, besides, I got all
my new duds on credit.
All: (Groan)
********Alarm********
Mike: We got junk mail siiiiigggggnnnn!
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THEATRE
Crow: Oh, so you mean I got taken?
Tom: Not far enough....
>dq...@dqhptm.net wrote:
Crow: Is that his REAL name?
Tom: HER...the "hp" is feminine.
> I finally decided to read one of these articles in an internet >newsgroup describing how to make $50,000.00 in only one month from a >$5.00 investment.
Mike: Yeah, if ten thousand losers give you 5 bucks, you make $50,000.
>Of course I thought this was rediculous ,or some type of pyramid.
Tom: What's a "rediculous"?
Crow: It's like a pyramid, only smaller.
>I talked it over with my family,
Crow: Jeb, Zeke, Ma, and Jethro...
>an attorney,
Mike: And when he finished laughing...
Tom: He said, "Hey, I got the same racket going with you right now!"
>and my friends,
Mike: All two of 'em!
Crow: Wasn't this guy in "Deliverance?"
>and they all agreed it was some sort of scam.
All: Scam, scam, scam, scam, lovely scam, scam, scam...
>I hate scams because usually someone gets burned,
Crow: And you're roasting!
>and I didn't want it to be me! I blew it off for a few weeks then saw another one in a newsgroup I go to alot and thought,
Mike: 'Maybe I need a life!'
Tom: Maybe he shouldn't go to alt.news.ripoff.scam
> "Maybe this is legitimate!".
Crow: Maybe the single bullet theory works.
Mike: Maybe Stalin just had a bad day.
Tom: Maybe Paul McCartney's really dead.
Crow: HE'S NOT????
>Besides, whats $5.00
Mike: Oh, just a month's worth of food for kids in Guatamala.
Crow: Does the word "savings" mean anything to this yahoo?
>I spend more than that in the morning on my way to work on coffee and cigs for the day.
Tom: And crack...
Crow: Ah, he likes the breafast of champions I see...
Mike: Yeah, that's how you stop smoking - 'Give me all your money so you
won't spend it on worthless crap.'
Crow: I got a get rich quick idea - let's sell this guy some cigarettes!
>Well, two weeks later,I began recieving money in the mail!
Crow: But "Inflatable Cheerleader Cindy" never showed!
> Invest your $5 by writing your name and address on five seperate >pieces of paper along with the words:
Mike: 'Please rip me off'.
Tom: 'Duh-huh, I'm a dork!'
Crow: 'Sucker punch me'.
>"PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR MAILING LIST."(In this way, you're not just >sending a dollar to someone; you're paying for a legitimate service.)
Crow: Oh, so if I told a hooker, 'Just add me to your client list' -
it's okay?
Mike: (Imitating doofy average Joe) 'Honest, officer - it's a legitimate
service!'
>Fold a $1 bill,money order, or bank note inside each paper,
Tom: Roll it, light your match...
Crow: And blow it all away!
>and mail them to the following five addresses:
> 1-. Herta Dunbar
> 1200 Oldfield Point Road
> Elkton, Md. 21921
Crow: So who's "Bar".
Tom: I dunno, but she dun him all right!
> 2- John Kelley
> P.O. BOX 4363
> Brockton, MA, 02403-4363
Mike: Hey! That's my congressman!
> 3- Colleen Walker
> 250 Cassadnra Blvd #428
> Toronto, Ontario
> M3A 1V1
> Canada
Tom: Ah yes, more pollution to send to our friends to the north!
> 4- Bjarte Soeiland
> Kraakenestoppen 90
> N- 5065 Boenes, NORWAY
Crow: (Sounding imperious like Clash of the Titans) Stop the Kraaken!
Tom: Stop yer crackin'!
Mike: Stop up your crack!
> 5- Jarle Soeiland
> Bryggeveien 76A
> N-3470 SLEMMESTAD, NORWAY.
Crow: (Reading slowly) Bring...Evan...to...Slimestep...?
Tom: (Thick Scottish accent) Aye, send Jarle to William Wallace - the
Kraaken must be stopped! BRYGGEVEIEN!!!!!
> STEP 2.
> Now remove the top name from the list, and move the other names >up.This way, #5 becomes #4 and so on. Put your name in as the fifth one >on the list.
> STEP 3.
> Post the article to at least 200 newsgroups.
Mike: Isn't this where we came in?
Crow: 'Doctor, the infection - it's SPREADING!!!!'
>There are at least 17000 newsgroups at any given moment in time. Try >posting to as many newsgroups as you can.Remember the more groups you >post to, the more people will see your article and send you cash!
Crow: Or threaten your life.
Tom: And it gives police a way to track you down.
> STEP 4.
>
> drops off the list.And that's only if everyone down the line makes >only 200 postings each! Your total income for this one cycle is >$55,000.
Crow: Now send it to me in care of your local IRS...
>From time to time when you see your name is no longer on
>the list,
Tom: Celebrate!
>you take the latest posting you can find and start all over again. The >end result depends on you. You must follow through and repost this >article everywhere you can think of. The more postings you make, the >more cash ends up in your mailbox. It's too easy and too cheap to >pass up!!!
Crow: And you're too gullible to pass up.
>So thats it. Pretty simple sounding stuff, huh? But believe me, it >works.
Tom: Obviously, you don't.
>There are millions of people surfing the net every day, all day, all >over the world. And 100,000 new people get on the net every day.
Mike: (doing a vampire voice) Ah, new blood for the drinking!
>You know that, you've seen the stories in the paper.
Tom: You've seen the faces on the milk cartons.
Crow: You've seen my face on posteres in the post office.
>So, my friend,
Mike: Hey, them's fightin' words!
>read and follow the simple instructions and play fair.
Mike: I guess the irony of that escaped him.
>Thats the key, and thats all there is to it.Print this out right now so >you can refer back to this article easily.
Crow: And when they're investigating your suicide, they'll be able to
find your motivation.
>Try to keep an eye on all the postings you made t
> NEED TO CHEAT THE BASIC IDEA TO MAKE THE MONEY!
Mike: Uh, please explain this rambling mess...
Crow: You need to cheat
> GOOD LUCK TO ALL,AND PLEASE PLAY FAIR AND YOU WILL
Tom: But you still play fair!
> WIN AND MAKE SOME REAL INSTANT FREE CASH!
> *** By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages >with your name in the list and not sending the money to the people >already included, you will not get much. I know someone who did this >and only got about $150 (and that's after two months). Then he sent the >5 bills, people added him to their lists,
Crow: And in two days, he disappeared!
> and in 4-5 weeks he had over $10,000!
> TRY IT AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY!!! :o) !!!!!!!!!!
> End
>
> Best regards Jarle Soiland
Tom: Hey, it's our bud Jarle!
Mike: And he's soiled!
Crow: Stop the Kraaken!!!!!!