MiSTied "Star Wars: Return to Hoth"

[FJ Castellino]

Hi everyone. I've just finished my first MiSTing. I hope you enjoy.
Please be gentle with it. Send all comments or flames to
castel...@nd.edu

Anthony Castellino
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[opening credits]

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

[<Bridge of SoL> Crow is to the left rambling on like an intellectual
while Mike and Tom Servo are to the right of him respectively. Mike has
his elbows up on the table and his head in his hand, as if he is in a
lot of pain while Servo is lying face down on the table and silently
weeping. Gypsy walks in front of them.]

GYPSY: Hi, everyone. Welcome to hell, also known as the Satellite of
Love. Mike was getting concerned that Crow wasn't well read so he
installed this program into him that he found called "Philosophy Bytes"
in order to heighten Crow's intellectual level, but now we can't get him
to shut up and he's driving us crazy!

[Gypsy moves away off screen and Cambot focuses on Crow, Mike, and
Servo, who are all still in the same position.]

CROW: And so, you see, Descartes proves that God exists through the
following rational: (1) Everything demands a cause; (2) The cause of a
thing must be at least as real as the effect; (3) The cause of an idea
must be as real as the thing represented by it; (4) An infinite thing is
more real than a finite thing; (5) By the second and fourth point,
finite things cannot cause an infinite thing; (6) A finite thing cannot
cause the idea of an infinite thing; (7) we, as thinking creatures, have
the idea of an infinite thing; (8) THis idea of an infinite thing cannot
be caused by a finite thing; (9) Therefore, an infinite thing must be
causing this idea, which is God.

TOM (between sobs): Please Mike, space him!

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. And Mike, do what Tom
says.

MIKE (looking up): Crow, let me remove that program from you now.

CROW: Nope, I like being intellectual.

[Servo sobs harder]

MIKE: This is more annoying that those Bionic Man sounds I installed
into you.

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.

MIKE: Hey Crow, there's something over there I want to show you. You
can ponder its purpose in the universe.

CROW: Okay, Mike.

[Crow exits offstage left. Mike removes a crowbar from beneath the
table.]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

[Mike hits the commercial button. MST 3K logo is shown with the sound
of ripping metal and Crow yelling. This is followed by annoying
commercials.]

[<SoL Bridge> Everyone seems calmer and happier.]

MIKE: I'm sorry I had to rip out your CPU like that, Crow. But I was
afraid I was going to have to space you.

CROW: Well, that's okay. But I do have a splitting headache.

[Mad's light flashes]

MIKE: Oh, look. B.C. Johnson is calling.

<Deep 13>

DR. F: Well, my little lab rats. Since you've been feeling
philosophical, I've been feleeling fickle. I was looking through the
Internet...

<SoL>

TOM: Mom's gone for the day, huh.

CROW: That means he was trying to find the Easy Rider Homepagee.

<Deep 13>

DR. F (looking embarrassed): No I wasn't, I stumbled upon it
accidentally. But anyway, as I was searching.. I mean *browsing* I
happened to come across an interesting site called the Star Wars Fan
Fiction Library, which is where your experiment comes from today.

[<SoL> Looks of horror are on everyone's face.]

TOM: We're in for deep hurting today, guys.

<Deep 13>

DR. F: Indeed you are. Now prepare yourself for Joe Turk's "Star Wars:
Return to Hoth." Enjoy, booby.

[<SoL> Fanfic lights are going off and chaos is abundant.]

ALL: We got fanfic sign!

*...6...5...4...3...2...0

MIKE: It may not be so bad, guys.

CROW: Who're you trying to fool?

> STAR WARS:

CROW: Episode pi.

> RETURN TO HOTH
>
> BY: WEDG...@nwlink.com
>
>
>Wedge didn't know why Admiral Ackbar called him to the war room so >late at night. He was to tired to think he just followed orders.

MIKE (Wedge): Wait a minute, did I just follow order?

TOM: What the hell was he thinking of?

>When he got to the war room he saw Adrimal Ackbar talking to General >Solo.
>
> "General Antilles! Glad you could make it!," Solo shouted.
>
> "General Solo, I advise you not to talk so loud. This is a secret >meeting.," Ackbar said softly.

MIKE: With attributes like that, Han could have been director of the
CIA.

TOM (Ackbar): General SOlo, will you please call General Antilles to the
secret meeting?

CROW (Wedge): Sure. HEY WEDGE!!!

TOM (Ackbar): Crimeny Solo. I could have done that!

> "Whats going on?," Wedge asked.
>
> "Don't ask me,

MIKE: I just work here.

> Adrimal Ackbar called me here a few minutes ago.," >Solo said, "I had to leave Leia and the twins by themselves."
>
> "Don't worry General Solo. WInter is with them. Everything will be >all right. The twins are fine.," Ackbar assured, "Now lets get to the >point.

CROW (Wedge): Yeah, what the hell did you wake us up for?

> The empire is still in the Galaxy."

ALL: (faking ominous music.)

> Solo interrupted, "Thats impossible! We destroyed them months >ago!"

CROW: Like these commas.

> "I know, General Solo, this news shocked us to."

TOM: Shocked them to what?

MIKE: Be easy on the grammar riffs, guys.

TOM: I'm just asking? And you didn't criticize Crow!

> "How did you find out about this?" Wedge questioned

CROW: "Hard Copy."

> "We found an officer trying to slice into one of our computer >files.

MIKE: PResenting the new Empire! It slices and dices and makes Julien
fries!

TOM: You know nothing about computers, do you Mike?

> We found him and asked why he tried to steal Repbulic plans. >He replied that his Emperor wanted the files to destroy the rebels."

CROW: Jeez, these guys have the interrogation skills of Grandma.

MIKE (old woman): Now, if you tell us why you were stealing our
top-secret military plans, we won't be mad at you.

>Ackbar explained.
>
> "The emperor is alive again?!," Solo said scared.

MIKE (Ozzy Osbourne): Running as fast as they can, Iron Man lives again!

> "No, its not the Emperor.," Ackbar replied.

TOM: Worse, it's the Master.

CORW: Does that make Torgo the equivalent of Darth Vader?

MIK (Torgo): THe MaSter WouLD bE PlEased If yOu JoiNed uS, LuKe.

TOM: I think he'd be more inclined to go after Leia.

> A calm went over Solo."Good, my children are not in danger.," Solo >said.

CROW: Well, you are their farther, so...

> "Then who is the emperor?," Wedge asked.

TOM: Well, the emperor is an autocratic royal-head that rules over a
conglomerate of nations.

MIKE: No, who is the emperor, not what.

> Ackbar looked down and took a long pause. Then he looked up and >said,

CROW: Sike!

> "None other than Grand Adrimal Thrawn."
>
> Wedge and Solo's faces froze.

TOM: Well, that's what happens when you stay outside on Hoth for too
long.

> "Grand Adrimal Thrwan?! Thats not >possible! He's dead, I saw his death.

CROW: "Faces of Death: Part VIII."

> I helped blow up his star >destroyer!," Wedge yelled.
>
> "I know, General Antilles. It seems that he kept one of the >cloning cylinders for himself."

MIKE (little kid): You can't play with it! It's my cloning cylinder.
Mine mine mine!

> Ackbar replied. "Now, lets ge ton with the mission briefing, shall we?". Wedge and Solo nodded.

TOM: ...off to sleep.

> "Good. >Now, we extracted some information from the imperial spy that Emperor >Thrawn is planning to attack one of our peaceful planets.

CROW: As opposed to one of those planets settled by LA street gangs.

MIKE: I think the New Republic would appreciate that too much.

> Now the >star destroyer he is flying called Chimera II has landed on a planet >in the Hoth system to get supplies.

TOM: For what? Ice for snow cones?

MIKE: It's a morale builder for his crew.

> We must blow it up or many >innocent people will die.

MIKE (Trashcan Man): Bomb dede bomb!

> You two will secretly fly the Millennium >Falcon to the planet and plant a highly explosive device in the >hangar.

TOM: Mike, wouldn't it be impossible to land a 1.2 kilometer SPACESHIP
on a planet and have any hope of getting it back into space, much less
have it valet parked in a hangar? It would be like having an aircraft
carrier docked in a marina. It's absurd! [head starts to smoke]

MIKE: Easy pal. I think we were meant to ignore the continuity
problems. [pats Tom's back for comfort]

> You will be helped by a man we hired to help you.," Ackbar >explained
>
> "He's not a bounty hunter is he?," Solo asked.
>
> "Well......... Yes he is.," Ackbar said
>
> "Who is it? And why do we need a bounty hunter. All we have to do >is blow up a parked star destroyer.," Wedge said.

MIKE (Jim Basney): It's just that simple.

> "Yes, I know. This is a TOP SECRET

TOM: Starring Val Kilmer.

> mission an we need a good >person to help you two.," Ackbar explained.

CROW (Wedge): What are you saying? We're aren't any good?

TOM (Ackbar): Yep, pretty much.

CROW (Wedge): Well I guess... HEY!

> "Well, who is it?" Solo asked.

MIKE: Ator?

CROW: The Warrior of the Lost World?

TOM: Super Dragon?

MIKE: Erik Holbert?

BOTS: Huh?

MIKE: I went to grade school with him.

TOM: Doofus!

MIKE: Well, he was kind of adventurous.

> Ackbar pointer to a dark lit corner of the war room. Han and >Wedge stared at the shadows when suddenly a figure started to appear. >Han's face froze. "No not him! Anybody but him! Why did you have to >pick him?!," Solo yelled.

MIKE (Dr. Strangelove): "Gentlemen, please. Don't fight in here. This
is the war room!

> The gure walked out of the shadows to reveal a infamous man,

CROW: Mr. B. Natural.

MIKE and TOM: AAAHHHHHH!

>BOBA FETT.
> "Why him?!," Solo yelled again.

CROW: Because you're a candy ass, that's why.

> "He's the best of the best, General Solo and he was the only one >that wanted the job for 200,000.," Ackbar said.

TOM: Ever since being vomited out of the Saarlac Pit, He has been having
problems getting a job.

> "Lets just get on with this.," Fett said
>
> "You're not bossing me around!" Solo snapped

CROW (Solo): I'll tell mom.

> "No one is bossing anyone around. Now let's get ot the Falcon." >Wedge said calmly.

TOM: Wait, now Wedge's bossing Solo around. I sense a problem in the
making here.

MIKE: Like I said earlier, ignore the continuity problems.

> "Yes. You must hurry. You have 3 days to complete the mission. May >the force be with.," Ackbar said.

MIKE (Mission: Impossible): Good luck, Jim.

> The three walked to the hangar where the falcon was waiting.
>
> "It's strange, looking at this ship without shooting at it.," Fett >said.
>
> Under his breath Han said, "Shut up Fett you stupid......."

MIKE (covering both bots' mouths): Don't even think of completing that.

> "Solo, I can hear what you are saying.," Fett yelled.

CROW (singing): I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're talking in
your sleep.

> Wedge, who was watching the two, started to laugh.,"Lets just get >in the ship and get this done."
>
> "Fine.," Han said.
>
> "Fine.," Fett said.

TOM: All of a sudden, they're the twins from "Full House."

> The three walked in to the ship and Fett started to look around. >"It looks nice in the inside.," Fett said.

CROW: Needs wall paper and some potted plants, though.

> "Yeah, I'm still fixing it after you crashed into me at Nar >Shadda!

MIKE (Solo): I still need your insurance information.

> Hey, you going to bring me in to the Hutts when this is >over?," Solo snapped.
>
> "No, the Hutts are dead. They all died on the Darksaber. You know >that." Fett reminded

CROW: From massive cardiac arrests.

MIKE: Well, they are slugs. They don't exercise much.

> "I never believe the hutts are gone.," Han said softly.
>
> "Look, if we don't work together we wil never get this mission >finished! Now put your past behind you and lets get to Hoth!," Wedge >yelled.

TOM: Yeah, forget that you tried to kill each other and kiss and make
up.

> "Ok. Now I'm going to start up the engines. You two sit here and >mind your business while I fly my ship.," Han said.
>
> "Well what are we supposed to do then?," Wedge asked.
>
> "Play the holo chess game or something.," Han said.

CROW: Don't you have "Master of Orion II?"

> Wedge and Boba Fett sat down around the table where the holo chess >game was. Suddenly the ship lefted off the ground and flew out of >the hangar. Fett fell out of his seat and hit his head on the floor.

MIKE: (makes a whimshot noise)

TOM: Slapstick humor in fanfics are always the best.

> "HEy what are you going so fast for Solo? I'm not chasing you!," >Fett yelled.

CROW: So they can break the planet's gravity, you nimrod.

> "Haha, thats just so funny.," Solo replied.

MIKE: Not as funny as this story, but replied.

> Han turned around and pullrf the hyperspace lever. The stars began >to flash as the Flacon flew into hyperspace. Fett got back on the >chair and asked, "You want to play a game Antilles?"

CROW: Only if it's "Candy Land."

> "Sure why not.," Wedge said. The board flickered as the figures >appeared on the board.
>
> "You move first," Fett said. Wedge reached over and pushed the >button to move his Garra monster to the left. "Good move Antilles. >Very tricky but you did leave your Krayt Dragon open.," Fett said. >Fett moved his rancor to take the krayt dragon.
>
> "I can't believe you fell for that.," Wedge said laughing. He >moved his Garrac monster back and trapped Fett's rancor. "I get a >free move now because I trapped one of your figures.," Wedge said. He >moved his Garrlac monster back down and took Fett's rancor. "That's >the end of the game already Fett, I beat you in under 5 moves! New >record.," Wedge said.

TOM: I'd be impressed if I knew WHAT THE HELL THEY WERE PLAYING. (shakes
violently and head smokes)

CROW: Mike, Mike, do something! He's about to blow!

MIKE: (makes a shadowrabbit on the scrren) Look Servo, it's a bunny.

[Servo's head follows Mike's hand as it bounces across the screen and he
calms down.]

TOM: Thanks, Mike.

> Fett just sat there in silence then suddenly said, "Shut up >Antilles!"

MIKE: Bounty hunters are such good sports.

> Han walked into the room and sat down. "The ship's on auto pilot >no need to worry.

CROW: We weren't.

> Say, Fett, how did you survive the crash when I shot you with >those disable guns?" Han asked
>
> "When I was going down, I punched through the windshield, jumped >>out and used my jet pack to fly away.," Fett explained.

MIKE (Fett): I'm immune to inertia and can't black out.

> "You lucky bastard.,"

TOM: Now it's "Life of Brian."

> Han said. Hours passed. Suddenly a light >started to flash behind Han.

CROW (Solo): Chewie, don't test the hydrogen bomb in the cockpit.

> "Look's like were coming up on >Hoth.Wedge put this suit on it will protect you from the coldness of >Hoth." Han said. Han threw Wedge the coat.

CROW: Somehow a coat just ain't gonna cut it.

TOM: Must be made of that Tauntan he sliced up first time he was here.

> "I knew how cold Hoth is, I was there remember?," Wedge said. He turned to Fett ,"Aren't you going to freeze?" he asked.
>
> "No, my armor has temperature control.,"

MIKE: Wow, AC in the armor. Does it come with cruise control, too?

TOM: That costs extra.

> Fett replied. The ship >popped out of hyperspace right next to Hoth. The ship flew though the >atmosphere.

CROW: (car screeching and glass shattering noise)

> It took a nose dive straight to the ground and then >suddenly shot right back up. "Solo just land the damn thing! Don't >show us your fancy crap!," Fett yelled.

MIKE: No, he only brings out the fancy crap when family comes by.

> "Keep your armor on, I know what I'm doing.," Solo replied. He >brought the falcon and flew it in to cave on the botom. "This is a >good place to hide.

TOM: That's what you said in that asteroid belt.

>Everyone put your winter gear on and lets go!," Solo siad. Han pulled >the

[Crow's about to say something but his beak is clamped shut by Mike.]

> switch to put down the ramp. The three walked down the ramp and >looked around.

TOM (Pepsi yuppie #1): The place hasn't changed in twenty-five years.

CROW (Pepsi yuppie #2): Yeah it's a shame. They should have put up some
condos by now or something.

> "This cave looks clean.

MIKE: What about the dust? And look, oil spots. Let's get outta here.

> Let's leave the falcon here and get on with the >mission.," Wedge said. "Fett how much time do we have left to >complete the mission?," he asked.
>
> "7200 hours. Thats not a lot of time.,"Fett said.

TOM: Whoa! They can't get this job done in 300 days? I think they
should have hired more bounty hunters.

> "I know, let's get this over with. Wedge, do you have the bomb?," >Han asked.
>
> Wedge reached in to his back pack and pulled out a square shaped >object. "Right here," Wedge said. He tossed it to Han.

CROW: Now it's "The Mouse that Roared."

> "Hey! Careful with this thing!, Han yelled
>
> "It's not armed. Calm down.," Wedge said laughing.
>
> "Oh, that's just so funny.,"

CROW: Only if it exploded, then it would have been hysterical.

MIKE: Crow! That's very dark of you.

CROW: Well, it would have gotten us out of this fanfic early.

MIKE: Good point.

> Han said. "Let's get on with this." >The three walkedout of the cave and began to walk on the frozen >planet. Han tried to spit over his shoulder but the spit froze before >it hit the ground.

TOM: Roberto Alamor would hate this planet.

> Han looked to Boba Fett and gave him a scared >look. He could see his reflection on Fett's mask.
>
> "You ok Solo?," Fett asked.
>
> "Yeah, I'm just scared that we are going to freeze to death.," Han >said shaking.

MIKE: So why didn't you park closer?

> "Just ignore how could it is and lets get on with this! I want my >200,000 credits!," Fett yelled.

MIKE: Sounds like the bank where I got my student loan.

> "Fine.," Han said. The snow began to get so thick that neither of >them could see where they were going. Suddenly Wedge looked up and >saw big dark things coming straight at them. He couldn't make out >what they were, but then it clicked in his mind.

CROW: And then the fuse broke.

> "Tauntans! A herd of Tauntans are coming straight at us!," Wedge >yelled.

TOM (cowboy voice): STAMPEED!

> "Grab three of them by the horns! We might be able to ride them!," >Solo yelled back. Fett wasted no time trying catch one. He jumped up >and grabbed one of the tauntans by the horn. He pulled it down with >all of hes might and put his legs on its back.

CROW: "Junior Rodeo Daredevils."

> When the tauntan got >up, Fett was on his back and he was pulling on his horns to get the >tauntan used to him so he could ride it. Finally the tauntan calmed >down and Fett was able to ride it. Wedge and Han did the exact same >thing with two other tauntans. "Good thing we found these tauntans! >Now we can get this done easier.,"

TOM: Just so long as they don't come across any AT-ATs or stormtroopers.

CROW: Nah, what would they be doing here?

> Han yelled into the wind.
>
> "Yeah we're lucky!," Wedge yelled back.
>
> "What?," Fett screamed.
>
> "Lets get to the old Echo base before this gets worse!," Han >yelled.
>
> "Good idea!," Wedge screamed.
>
> "What?," Fett yelled. The three rode their tauntans into the >blizzard for what seemed like hours.

ALL: (humming "Bonanza")

> Finally they came to the old >Echo base.
>
> "What's that wedged shaped thing behind the base?," Fett yelled.

CROW: It's a giant shoe horn!

> "Looks like a star destroyer!," Wedge yelled back. "Looks like >Chimera II." Suddenly a laser broke through the white air and shot >Han's tauntan. The animal hit the ground as a red spot began to >spread through the white snow.

TOM: You don't bleed after getting hit by a laser! They'll cauterize the
wound!

> "Snow troopers! They've spotted us!," >Wedge yelled. Wedge pulled out his blaster and began shooting at the >base. Han did the same. Fett just got up, bent down,

CROW: Got out the vasiline and...

MIKE: Don't you dare finish that!

> and pulled a >switch. Suddenly the rocket in his rocket pack shot off and hit the >band of snow trooper. A flash of orange went through the air as the >rocket exploded.

TOM: Any chance of sneaking up on them now just evaporated with those
troopers.

> "All too easy.," Fett said. Han and Wedge just looked at him. The >three walked in to the base and looked around.

TOM (snow trooper #1): I just saw seven of our guys blow up. Should we
investigate?

CROW: (snow trooper #2): Nah, it's probably nothing.

> "It feels like I just left this place yesterday.," Han said.
>
> "Me too.," Wedge replied. The three looked around to see if there >was any danger. Then they ran into entrance of the star destroyer >parked in the back of the base.

MIKE: Ouch! Try opening the door next time.

> "Something's wrong here. This is too easy.

MIKE: Not on us.

> This should have taken >3 days and it took less than 5 hours to complete." Han said. "Oh who >cares?

CROW: Yeah. Who cares if we're walking into a certain trap? Certainly
not me.

> Lets plant the bomb and get out of here!," Wedge nodded and >put the bomb on the side of the hallway. He pushed a button and red >lights began to flash on the bomb. "How much time until it >explodes?," Han asked.
>
> "1 hour.," Wedge replied. Suddenly the door shut behind them and a >T.V. screedn came in from the celing. The scrren flashed and suddenly >Thrawn's face appeared.

CROW (Thrawn): Hey kids. Do you know what time it is?

MIKE and TOM: It's Howdy Thrawny time!

>
> "You rebels think you are so clever. You think you could come in >and blow up my star destroyer that easily? Well, it doesn't matter, >this isn't even my star destroyer! Its one I found in the middle of >space that was abandoned years ago, I don't even need it, I don't >really care if it explodes. Now you see you're trapped in here and >you got 1 hour to try to get out. Good luck.," Thrawn explained. "Oh >yeah one more thing the magnetic field I put in here says you have 5 >minutes to get out."

CROW (Nelson): Heh-heh!

> Suddenly the number on the bomb timer changed to
>00:05.
>
> "Crazy clone.,"

MIKE: Trix are for kids!

TOM: Hey, if that is a clone, wouldn't it be called Admiral Thraawn?

CROW: You've been reading too many Timothy Zahn novels.

> Han said. "What are we going to do?"

MIKE (Commander KRul): We die.

> "Hold on, I got an idea. Fett, what's that thing on your wrist?

CROW (Fett): It's a medical bracelet. I have diabetes.

> Is it a flame >thrower?" Wedge asked. Fett looked at him and nodded. "Then burn off >the lock on the door, Fett!"

ALL: WHAT!

TOM: Are the locks made out of paper?

CROW: A laser *might* work, but a flame thrower?

> Fett wasted no time and turned on his >flame thrower and burned the top of the door. 4 minutes later the >door slid open. "Run or else our body parts will be permanent >residents!" Wedge yelled.

MIKE: My ex-girlfriend said that to me just after we broke up.

BOTs: Ohhhh.

> The three ran out of the star destroyer and >in to the old hangar from echo base. "Five seconds!," Wedge yelled. >Han, Wedge, and Fett jumped behind an rock and crouched down.

TOM (Wedge): I just want you guys to know I love you.

>A huge explosion went off behind them and fire went evreywhere. >"run!," Wedge screamed. The three got up but a piece of debris hit >Han in the arm.
>
> "I'll be alright,

CROW: Yeah. They do wonders with prosthetic limbs these days.

> let's just keep going or we're toast!, Han >yelled. He got back up and the three dived out of the entrance as >fire barely hit them.
>
> "That was close!," Fett said. He looked down the see his foot was >on fire.

MIKE: I love that hotfoot gag.

> He lifted it up and shoved it in the snow. "What,s that >noise?" he said. Sudddenly speeder bikes with snow troopers on them >whizzed by.
>
> "Shhot them! We need those bikes!," Wedge yelled.

CROW: Hmmm. New York cops.

> Han pulled out >his blaster with his good arm and began to shoot and hot 2 troopers. >The two troopers fell off their bikes as the bikes crashed into the >ground, not exploding. "There's no time. Me and Han will have to >share a bike!," Wedge explained.

TOM: How romantic. But Leia's gonna be pissed.

> Wedge pulled up Han and put him on >the bike as he got on the front. He turned over and saw Fett get on >another bike. "Ok, lets go!" he said as the bikes lifted off the >ground. Just then 4 bikes came up from behind them and began >shooting. The three flew off trying to avoid getting hit. Fett >reached into his pack and pulled out a grenade. He pulled the pin and >threw it behind him.

MIKE: Here catch.

> The explosion knocked the snow troopers off >their bikes as the three zoomed away the falcon was. The ramp lowered >as the three ran up it.

TOM: This story is successful because we care about the characters.

MIKE: We do?

> When they got inside Han laid down in pain and said, "I'm too badly hurt to pilor the ship, Wedge, you will have to fly it.,"

TOM (falsetto): Thanks, dad! Oh boy!

>Wedge nodded as he ran to the cockpit. Fett walked over to Han to see >if he was ok. "I never thought I would see the day, Boba Fett helping >me survive instead of killing me.," Han said with a laugh.
>
> "Me neither.," Fett replied.

ALL: Me, neither.

> "Strap yourselvs in I'm taking off." Wedge said in to the >intercom. The falcon lifted off the ground and flew out of the cave >as if some thing was trying to chase it.

CROW (Wedge): This is no cave.

TOM (Solo): Hey, that's not funny.

> Wedge passed through the >atmosphere and flew into space. He looked up and saw a star destroyer >pop out of hyperspace. "The real Chimera II. Some other day Thrawn,

TOM: That's Thraawn.

CROW: Shut up, Servo!

>I will get you some day.," Wedge said to him self. He reached over >and pulled the lever to enter hyperspace.

CROW: But he accidentally pulled the emergency brake and skidded to a
hault causing everyone to fly through the windshield into the vacuum of
space.

TOM: That's really twisted, Crow.

> He looked up and saw the stars turn into streaks as the >falcon entered hyperspace.

MIKE: I'm tripping. Help!

CROW: No, it's okay Mike. It's just hyperspace.

MIKE: Oh. I thought I was in college again.

> "Looks like we made it Fett.," Han said to Fett. "Your not such a >bad guy after all." Fett looked at him and walked away. "Hey, aren't >you going to take care of me?"

TOM: What, is Boba Fett all of a sudden Florence Nightengale?

> "Who cares about you? You're alive and the mission is over. I just >want my 200,000 credits.,"Fett said.

MIKE: Damn student loan people again.

> Wedge walked in ad looked at Han and said, "Once a bounty hunter >always a bounty hunter, I guess.," Wedge said, laughing. "Hey Fett >you wanna play another game of holo chess?"
>
> Fett looked at him and replied "Shut up Antillies."

CROW: Why don't you both shut up!

TOM: It's over guys. Let's get outta here.

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

[Everyone is upfront and looks pretty shaken up.]

MIKE (holing an icepad to his head0: That wasn't so bad, was it guys?

[The bots look at him murderously.]

MIKE: Well, I guess it was.

TOM: You know, I think this Joe Turk may just be another name for
Stephen Ratliff.

CROW: No!

TOM: Yes. While the spelling was relatively decent, notice the improper
use of punctuation by this guy. In this case, most often misused were
the commas.

CROW: You may have a point.

TOM: And the improbably character situation. Such as Marrissa and her
Q-like ability to do whatever she wanted in Starfleet, notice how Mr.
Turk places Solo and Boba Fett in an unholy alliance. Highly unlikely.
A usual trade mark of Ratliffization: unlikely events.

CROW: Spooky, yet true.

TOM: But of course. THis leads me to conclude that Ratliff wrote this
story in an attempt to spread his evil ways into a relatively
uncorrupted region of the movie and television industry. Therefore it
is up to us to put a stop to this menace and...

[Tom is interrupted by the SoL shaking slightly. Everyone looks around
confused.]

MIKE: Something huge must be passing by. Cambot, give me Rocket #9!

[Outside SoL. A Star Destroyer pulls up near the SoL. Only thing is
that it is painted yellow with black checkers running down the side and
a big "Taxi" sign is up on top.]

MIKE: We're getting a message on the hexfield viewscreen.

[Hexfield opens and Admiral Thrawn is there in a taxi outfit.]

MIKE: Hey look. It's Admiral Thrawn.

THRAWN: That's Thraawn, please. Everyone is getting that wrong.

TOM: Told you so!

MIKE: So, what are you doing here? You're not gonna conquer the Earth,
are you?

THRAWN: Oh, heavens no. I gave that up after the Empire fell for good.
No, since then I've taken on a more quite life. I watch birds, took a
few art history lessons and I started Imperial Taxi Services.

MIKE: You doing okay?

THRAWN: Heck yeah, I've got the best Taxi service in the galaxy. Air
conditioning, bucket seats, magazines for the customers, and let me tell
you no one dare cuts me off. (chuckles devilishly)

MIKE: Great. (looks a little spooked)

THRAWN: Well, I've gotta get going. Take it easy.

TOM: Wait! If you're a taxi service, could you take us down to Earth?

THRAWN: Hey, I don't go to Earth. And if I do, it's only during the
day. Bye.

[Hexfield closes while everyone is yelling for him to wait. Mad light
starts to blink.]

CROW: Damn. Still stuck up here.

MIKE: Oh well. Life goes on. What do you think, sir?

[<Deep 13> Dr. Forrester is looking intently at a computer terminal.]

DR. F: Oh yeah, she's hot. Yeah. (looks up) Oh, uh, just checking the,
uh, oh hell with it. But upon inspecting the pain monitor, I believe
I'll be sending you stories from this homepage more ofter. (laughs
impishly). Until next time, booby.

[Pushes the button]

WHOOSH!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, INC. All rights
reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes ony; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.

"No not him! Anyone but him! Why did you have to pick him?!," Solo
yelled.