MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (5/6)

[JAREK]

[SOL]

[Mike and Crow are together at the control panel. Mike is bald and
gray-haired, like he is when he plays Jack Perkins. Mike also wears the
uniform of a Starfleet admiral. Crow is wearing a T-shirt with the logo of
the Federation on the front along with a USS Enterprise-F baseball cap.
There is a Starfleet uniform draped over the control panel.]

MIKE [as Admiral Picard]: Well, I'm off to Starfleet HQ! There's vitally
important paperwork to do, and my Vulcan chief of
staff is in heat! I'm afraid dinner's going to
be about four hours late tonight! You don't mind,
do you son? Tell you what... if you get hungry,
there's stewed tomatoes and some allspice in the
pantry. Say, is that the time? Gotta go! If you
see Marrissa, tell her I've procured the supplies
she wanted!

[Mike exits stage right. Camera pans over to Crow.]

CROW [as Nick Picard]: Marrissa, Marrissa, Marrissa! It's *always* Marrissa!
I can't even get a decent bite to eat around here, but
*Marrissa* gets anything she wants from Dad! Sigh...

[Crow hangs his head dejectedly as a voice is heard from offscreen. The
voice sounds like Bridget Jones speaking in higher tones than usual.]

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Nick feels very neglected right now... and who wouldn't?
He's just a normal nine year old boy, wondering what it
takes to fit in, wondering how to get his father to notice
him... I'd really like to help him, but I'd better wait
until he calls on me....

CROW [as Nick]: Just 'cause *Marrissa's* in that dumb old *Starfleet*, *she*
gets all the attention! Well, when is it *Nick's* turn?!
[Crow reaches for the Starfleet uniform on the console.]
I bet if *I* could wear this uniform, Dad wouldn't...

[Bridget Jones instantly materializes next to Crow. She is wearing an
altered version of the Mr. B Natural costume... this version has the
Starfleet symbol and silhouettes of the Enterprise scattered all over it.
She also wears a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with tape holding the bridge
together. She places her hands on her hips and beams a smile of pride at
Crow.]

CROW [as Nick]: AAAaaaahhh!!! Wh-who are *you*?

MR. B RATLIFF: Why I'm Mr. B Ratliff, *at* your service! [bows low with a
flourish] Surprised? Shouldn't be, boy! Whether you knew it
or not, when you reached for that Starfleet uniform to make
you feel better... *I* got your message! You awakened me! So
you want to get into Starfleet, do you?

CROW [as Nick]: Well... well, *sure* Mr. B Ratliff! But how? I'm only nine
years old!

MR. B RATLIFF: A young boy talking like that! BLASPHEMY!!! Mozart was
writing *symphonies* when he was your age, and don't you
forget it, young man! Let me tell you something, Nick... I've
got a twelve year old friend who works in the Engineering
section of the starship Wellington! When their bridge was
destroyed, do you think *she* stood on the sidelines saying
that she was "too young"? Absolutely not! She took command,
she told the adults what to do and she *saved* that ship!
She took to it like *that*! Because she's young! She's not
afraid! And it's fun for her! *That's* how she learned to
run that ship so fast! [puts hand on chin and acts lost in
thought] Wait'll she grows up and finds out how hard it is!
[Mr. B Ratliff laughs with head thrown back] Don't you see,
Nick? Age doesn't matter! I've helped *lots* of kids younger
than you to get into Starfleet! So what do you think, Nick?
You wanna give it a try?

CROW [as Nick]: I sure do, Mr. B Ratliff! So what do I have to do?

MR. B RATLIFF: *Wonderful*, Nick! That's the first big step... to *want* it!
[Mr. B Ratliff gestures with a flourish, and a child-sized
Starfleet uniform materializes on Crow. Crow gazes at it with
astonishment as the camera zooms in on Mr. B Ratliff.] Well,
let me tell you, the next two weeks were a flurry of activity
for Nick! Not even the critical injuring of his father could
stop Nick as he read Starfleet manuals and studied hard for
the Kobayashi Maru test... which he passed with high marks as
*all* my young friends do! Now he was truly ready to take his
place as a young defender of the Federation in the tradition
of his big sister Marrissa! But there was *one* more thing
that needed to be taken care of....

[Camera pans to the left, where Crow, still dressed in a Kid's Crew Starfleet
uniform, is standing with Tom Servo, who is dressed in a Kid's Crew medical
uniform. They are both facing Gypsy, who wears a Starfleet medical uniform
and a gray-haired wig.]

GYPSY [as Dr. Pulaski]: No! This is wrong! I WON'T allow it!

CROW [as Nick]: You forget, "doctor"... my sister is now the highest-ranking
officer in Starfleet, and I have her approval for assigning
a new doctor to treat my father! You've had your chance to
help my father get well, and you've shown yourself to be
totally incompetent! So Jeffrey here will be taking charge
of my father's care! Jeffrey, say hello to the so-called
doctor!

TOM SERVO [as Jeffrey]: Hi.

CROW [as Nick]: I mean, really! One to two months to recover from a
concussion?! That may have been a good recovery time
hundreds of years ago, but this is the 24th century, woman!
Dad should have been out of bed and back to filling out vital
paperwork within a week! Now get out of the way and let a
*real* doctor do his job!

GYPSY [as Dr. Pulaski]: Now wait just a minute! You're asking me to hand
over treatment of one of Starfleet's legendary
admirals to a... a *seven year old boy*?!?
Absolutely not! This is preposterous!!!

CROW [as Nick]: *Sigh*... well, Marrissa told me it might come down to
this....

[Crow holds up a phaser and shoots Gypsy with it. Appropriately cheap
special effects accompany the shot as Gypsy collapses to the floor.]

CROW [as Nick]: All right, Jeffrey, my dad's room is...

TOM SERVO [interrupting, as Jeffrey]: Yes, yes, down the hall, turn right
and open the fifth door on the left,
I know. I know this two billion bed
hospital like the back of my hand!
Maybe I'll give you a tour sometime...
but right now, I've got a patient to
treat!

[Tom Servo heads off camera, and the camera pans back to Mr. B Ratliff. As
Mr. B Ratliff speaks, various power tools and machinery noises can be heard
in the background, punctuated by Mike screaming in the voice of Admiral
Picard.]

MR. B RATLIFF: Well, that's that! I had done *my* part! The spirit of
Starfleet was a *natural* thing for him now! For the rest of
the story, I can just sit back and watch him grow into his
rightful place as ruler of everything he sees! Makes you
proud, doesn't it?

[The power tools, machinery noises and Admiral Picard's cries of agony die
down at this point, and Crow, Tom, Mike and Gypsy are cheering and
applauding as they join Mr. B Ratliff at center stage.]

MIKE: All right! Great sketch, everybody! Hey Crow, where'd you say you got
the idea for Mr. B Ratliff again?

CROW: Oh, somebody sent up some photos from some Sci-Fi convention, and there
was this costume, see, and it all kinda flowed from there....

MIKE [singing]: And thank you, Nuveena, for helping us with our skiiiiit!

[Mr. B Ratliff's costume is instantly replaced with Nuveena's costume.]

NUVEENA [singing]: You're welcome, Mike... it was fun to be a part of iiiiit!

MIKE [singing]: I don't suppose you could stay around for...

[Nuveena disappears as the commercial sign light turns on]

MIKE [disappointed]: No, I guess not. We'll be right back.

[Commercials. This one's for Pepto-Bismol... because Mama said there'd be
fanfics like this.]

[Mike and the bots enter the theater]

CROW: So, you and Nuveena getting along better now?
MIKE: Well, we talked things over and kinda worked out some of our
differences....
TOM SERVO: I saw her trying to turn Gypsy into an industrial Shop-Vac. Just
thought you should know....

[Mike and the bots sit down]

> Chapter Seven

TOM SERVO: I hope this is lucky seven... in other words, THE END!

> The Enterprise warped towards Romulan Starbase 9. Normally she
>would have been surrounded by her fleet of 40 ships.

MIKE: And normally she would have been crewed by competent adults....

> But the Lionheart
>was gone; the Wellington and two others were awaiting repair at Utopia.

CROW: And the story was beyond repair.

>She had started out short one from an early attack on this base. The
>Wellington and its cohorts would be back in week, and the Hawaii would
>be waiting for her at Essex,

TOM SERVO: Ironically, the Essex would be waiting at Hawaii!

> so it wasn't permanent. However that
>wasn't all she was missing.

MIKE [as Michael Winslow]: I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps!
CROW [as Rick Moranis]: That's not all he's lost....

> The Excelsior had detached with 4 others,
>and the Osaka with 4 more to run a little distraction.

MIKE: Because the Romulans ALWAYS fell for that little trick....

> So Marrissa had
>only 25 ships against a base which she had failed to destroy with more.
>That didn't bother Marrissa.

TOM SERVO: Failure had become a close friend these past two weeks.

> She knew she had worn this strech of
>Romulan Space down more than it had her. And anyway she didn't plan to
>destroy it. She planned to capture it.

CROW: Oh, well, that sounds *much* easier....

>
> As she came out of warp, just five ships were detected in the
>system. The Enterprise and her cohorts plotted a coarse past them.

MIKE: Because they liked it...
ALL: RRRRRRROUGH!!!
MIKE: Thanks for stepping on my line, guys....

>They went by fast, and firing. One by one the the Romulan ships
>exploded under the fire of the score and five Star Fleet vessels.

CROW: Hey... remember when ALL the Ratliff battle scenes looked like this?

>Afterwards they surrounded the pristine Romulan Starbase. Marrissa
>opened a channel.

TOM SERVO: But it was Comedy Central, so nobody noticed.
CROW: Yeah, I'd like to open Marrissa a whole new channel....
MIKE: Watch it, Crow.

> "This is Admiral Marrissa Amber Picard of the USS Enterprise," she
>announced.

MIKE [as Marrissa, muttering]: Never did like that "Flores" name... what did
my real parents ever do for me, anyway?

> "We demand your immediate and unconditional surrender or we
>will open fire."

TOM SERVO: Hello. This is the Romulans. We're not in right now, but if
you'd like to leave a message...

> "This is Admiral Sivics of the Romulan Starbase 9,"

MIKE [as Admiral Sivics]: Sorry for the delay. I was on the john, doing my
sivic duty.
CROW & TOM: [groans]

>was the reply. "Withdraw at once or be destroyed."
> "I think not."

CROW: Truer words were never spoken.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Therefore, I am not.

> "Oh really, your homeworld is in flames, your government in ashes.
>Your second fleet destroyed."

MIKE [as Sivics]: Oh really, it's true! Just take my word for it!

> "Really. True, Earth was attacked, but the second fleet is alive
>and well. As for the other effects in Star Fleet, well the Romulans
>worst nightmare just happened."

CROW: What? Is Ratliff putting Kid's Crews on Romulan ships now?

> "You're in command of Star Fleet?!?!"

TOM SERVO: No, that's OUR worst nightmare!
CROW: And Ratliff's wet dream.

> "Why yes, for the next couple months. You care to surrender?"

ALL: [burst into laughter]
MIKE: Oh Ratliff, you lovable nut, you've done it again....

> "No."

TOM SERVO [as Sivics]: But thank you for asking.

> "That's OK, Admiral Sivisc. We'll just take your starbase over
>with out you. Enterprise out."

CROW [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Well *that* hardly seems fair....

>
> "Shayna, status of our troops?" Marrissa asked, settling back into
>her chair.

MIKE [as Shayna]: Pre-pubescent. Why?

> "All five thousand have been successfully transported aboard,"
>Shayna responded.

TOM SERVO: Wait a second... doesn't this starbase have *shields*?

> "Shall I inquire as to their progress?"
> "Please."

CROW [as troops]: *Yes* Shayna, we're *doing it* Shayna... how can we do it
if you keep calling and interrupting us?!

> "75 percent of the base secure. They are readying to take the
>Command Center."

CROW: Somehow I thought invading a starbase would be more exciting.
MIKE: *Sigh* Ratliff either doesn't think the Romulans would have any
security troops on this station...
TOM SERVO: ... or he thinks very little of the ones that are there.

> "Admiral Sivisc is hailing us again," Alexander reported.
> "On screen," Marrissa ordered. The Romulan Admiral appeared.
>"Forget something, Admiral?"

CROW [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Yeah. How the hell is my name *supposed* to be
spelled?

> "I demand you withdraw your troops immediately," Sivisc demanded.
>"If you don't I will destroy this base with your troops on it."
> "Go ahead," Marrissa replied, in a cold daring tone.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Do you think I give a damn about *their* worthless
lives?!

> "Computer set self-destruct," Sivisc ordered, placing his hand on a
>nearby panel. "Authorization, Sivisc Primus Command Delta One Four One
>Destruct."

TOM SERVO: Sure, the Romulans use the same type of command codes as the
Federation... THAT makes sense!

> The Romulan Computer responded in a deep bass, "Insufficient
>authorization."

CROW [as computer]: You did not say "Simon says".

> "What!" the Admiral exclaimed over the still open channel.
> "This isn't your day is it?" Marrissa observed.

MIKE: ... or your month, or even your year, but...
ALL [singing]: I'll be there for yooooouuuuuu....
TOM SERVO [as Sivics/Sivisc]: Must be a Thursday. Never could quite get the
hang of Thursdays...

> "Computer, terminate communication and explain last response."

CROW [as computer]: I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave....

> The computer replied, but not in the deep bass it had earlier, but
>in the alto like Star Fleet's computers, "Unable to comply, peer has
>canceled request.

MIKE: Peer? Is Ratliff an engineer all of a sudden?

> Prisoners are not allowed access to Star Fleet
>Computers." Admiral Sivisc began trembling with barely contained anger.

TOM SERVO [as Sivics/Sivisc]: How did they find out that I'm an escaped
prisoner?!

> At that Security Officers burst into the room.

CROW [as Michael Palin]: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

> They quickly
>disarmed the Romulans and escorted them out.

MIKE: The Romulans screamed in agony as their freshly amputated limbs were
left behind in the Command Center.

> Commander Wesley Crusher
>entered the room

ALL: [scream in terror]
TOM SERVO [shaken]: Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

> and addressed Admiral Marrissa Picard, "Admiral we have
>complete control of the starbase."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Yes, but you didn't do it fast enough, so you'll all have
to die.

> "What does Jackie say about the computer systems?" Marrissa asked.

CROW [as Wesley]: Well, she likes Macintosh, but UNIX gives her a lot of
problems....

> "They're ok for now, but give her a couple days to finish up the
>details," Wesley replied. "I don't know why you let little sis' go on
>this mission."
> "Simple Wes,

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: She was expendable.

> she was the best person for the job," Marrissa
>responded.

MIKE: Seeing as how everyone else was conveniently dead, injured or
forgotten...
TOM SERVO: As far as Ratliff is concerned, youngest equals best.

> "You now have command of that starbase, which we will call
>Starbase Rome One. Congratulations, Commander."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: You've emerged victorious from one of the most boring
battles we've ever had.

> "Thank you, Commander Crusher out."

CROW: Shut up, Wesley.


> Chapter Eight

TOM SERVO: I hope Ratliff thinks that eight is enough!

> Marrissa was going though some of the paper work that came with the
>job of Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Look at all these resignation letters....

> She had a staff assigned to help
>her by Quartermaster Mary, daughter of Guinan,

CROW: Jeez, this isn't a fanfic, it's a breeding experiment!

> which made things easier,
>but their was still a lot of paperwork.

MIKE: So much for Microsoft's paperless office...
CROW: Bill Gates must have been too busy building the Borg.

> There was an request from
>Captain LaForge, asking for a commanding officer to be assigned to the
>second fleet, since Admiral Riker was dead.

TOM SERVO: Lovely. Wanna kill off any more characters, Steve?

> That was one she could
>handle rather quickly. "Computer open a secured channel to Captain
>Geordi LaForge, Commanding Officer, USS Nova."
> After a moment, Captain LaForge appeared on her desk screen,
>apparently in his ready room.

MIKE: ... and wearing no pants.

> "Captain LaForge, USS Nova, how can I help
>you Admiral?"

CROW [as Marrissa]: Get married and have kids. We need more personnel, and
you're old.

> "By taking command of your fleet," Marrissa responded. "I'm
>restoring the rank of Commodore, and appointing you to that rank."
> "Admiral, I respectfully request that you find someone else,"
>LaForge responded.

MIKE [as La Forge]: Because I'm defecting to the Romulans... Starfleet's
gotten MUCH too screwed up for me!

> "I've only been a Captain for nine months, and I'm
>an Engineer anyway. The only reason I got command of the Nova was
>because it was the first off the line, and they always assign an
>Engineer to command the first off the line."

CROW [as La Forge]: That's how we win all the drag races.

> "I know, Commodore,

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... but we have to keep up the tradition of
promoting people way too fast around here.

> but you have shown yourself to be more that
>adequate as a Commanding Officer of a Starship," Marrissa responded.

MIKE [as La Forge]: More than adequate. Oh, thank you *so* much, Marrissa.
I've done so little before, but after a compliment like
that I'll work *so* hard to please you....

> "Of a starship, commanding starships and commanding fleets are two
>different things," LaForge replied.

TOM SERVO: Oh, he's sharp.

> "I know, but you've shown that you can do that too," Admiral
>Marrissa Picard replied. "So take command ... or you'll find out why
>some of my less that adequate officers refer to me as 'the Royal
>Terror.'

MIKE: He already knew why most of the officers called her "The Royal Pain-in-
the-Ass"....

> Starfleet out."
>
> Captain Jay Gordon was about to enter his quarters on board the
>Enterprise. It had been a long trip back from Earth. Captain Troi had
>assisted the Excelsior and the Osaka in clearing up some Romulans who
>had tailed them to Essex on the way in. Who would have thought that a
>former Ship's Counselor would be such a good Commanding Officer?

TOM SERVO: The same person who thought that promoting a twelve year old to
Fleet Commander was a good idea?

> In any
>case, he had snuck back aboard the Enterprise,

CROW [as Jay]: If I walk around the hallways on my tippy-toes, maybe the
computer won't notice I'm here....

> stopping only to make
>sure the rocking chair made it aboard.

MIKE: So far, that rocking chair is the only thing even remotely worth caring
about in this story. I'm going to miss it when it's gone....

>
> The door opened. His wife was sitting on a chair, facing away
>from the door. On the sofa was his little brother Jeffery, listening to
>the story Marrissa was reading.

CROW [as Marrissa, reading]: Her lust for him grew by leaps and bounds as he
ran his firm hands over her heaving bosoms. She
could feel the proud evidence of his manly
desire....

> Jeffery's eyes went wide,

MIKE [as Jeffery]: I don't like the way you're touching me, Marrissa....

> and he was
>about to say something when Jay placed his finger across his lip.

TOM SERVO [as Jay]: Don't say anything, Jeffery. Just bury this shameful
secret deep inside you....

>Jeffery nodded slightly. Jay gently set down his duffle and approached
>Marrissa from behind. "Guess who?" he asked as he covered her eyes,
>stopping the story.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Doctor Johnson! I was hoping you'd come by again! We'd
better hurry before my husband comes home....

> "Jay!" Marrissa exclaimed, removing his hands and standing up to
>embrace her husband.
> "Miss me?" Jay asked as Jeffery joined their hug.

MIKE [as Jay]: Now you've got to kiss me!

> "Of course," Marrissa replied.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Let me reload and fire again.

> "You're back," came a call from the girls room.

TOM SERVO [as Jay]: What about my back?

> The blond owner,
>Jacquelynn Gordon, rushed from the room to greet her older brother.
>Behind her at a much slower pace came his wife's sister Jackie Picard.
> "We seem to have acquired a family while I was gone," Jay remarked,

MIKE [as Jay]: Marrissa! Have you been having kids behind my back again?
TOM SERVO [singing]: They're crazy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky,
they're altogether ooky... Marrissa's family!
MIKE: [holds up his fingers and snaps them twice]

>breaking off from the embrace and steering his wife over to the
>loveseat. The rest of the family returned to thier rooms to get ready
>for bed.

CROW [as Jackie]: *Sigh*... Come on, kids... let's get outta here before they
start doing it right in front of us....

> "It's good practice," Marrissa commented, her hand on her growing
>belly.

CROW: Oh, I did *not* need to be reminded of *that*....
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: Great. Another mouth to feed.
MIKE [as Jay]: Wait a minute! I haven't touched you in *months*! How the
hell did *this* happen?!

> "Come up with any new names?" Jay asked.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Edward Truffington Mimsy Borogrove Picard. What do you
think?

> "Well for a boy we agreed on Louis Andrew," Marrissa reminded. "I
>still think that Sara would be a good name for a girl."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Or was it the other way around? I forget....

> "You do realize that means princess," Jay remarked. "Princess Sara
>is redundant."

TOM SERVO: Kinda like "unreadable fanfic".

> "Unless I become Queen, she won't be a princess," Marrissa stated.
>"It's an old rule, but no one is going to change it."

CROW: Why stop now, Marrissa?

> "OK, I'll relent if you agree to follow the Gordon family middle
>naming scheme," Jay responded. "Alara would be a nice one."

MIKE: Wow, Stephen's really smooching up to his fellow fanfic writers, isn't
he?

> "Agreed," Marrissa responded. "I wonder if Clara and Alex have
>settled on a name yet."

TOM SERVO [as Jay]: I think they're just going to stick with "Clara" and
"Alex".

> "I doubt it," Jackie responded.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Hey! You're supposed to be in bed! Get back to your
room and quit eavesdropping!
TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: But sis, you did it with Lynn....
CROW [as Marrissa]: SHUT UP!!!

> "I heard them arguing about it on
>the way back from the Computer Core. By the way Marrissa, I've finished
>forming the Kid's Crew you asked for.

MIKE [as Jackie]: The plans are all on the computer in the file marked
"Children of the Damned".

> I'd like to be able to reserve
>some holodeck time for training, but Commander Lochard has them all
>booked solid for the next two weeks."

CROW [as Jackie]: ... with a program called "Porno Pirates From Pluto".

> "I'll see if I can get her to cede some time to you," Marrissa replied.

TOM SERVO: Gee... wouldn't it be nice if Marrissa had a *higher rank* than
*Commander* Lochard, so that she could *ORDER* Lochard to give
Jackie some training time?!

> "So you have a higher time than Lynn," Jay commented. "Some how
>I'm surprised."
> "It's just by a hundredth of a second, brother," Lynn remarked.

MIKE: And somehow, this makes all the difference in the world....

>"And she's welcome to the pressures of command. I'm too busy learning
>about being an officer."

TOM SERVO [as Lynn]: It may take a whole five more minutes.

> Jay looked at his wife. "So you gave her the full rank," he
>queried.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Well, she IS toilet-trained....

> "She did successfully command the Wellington during battle,"
>Marrissa defended. "That's not easy to do, especially under the
>circumstances."

MIKE: Especially in this kind of writing.

> "You don't intend for anyone to have a childhood, do you?" Jay
>asked.

TOM SERVO: Not a good one, anyway.

> "She's almost thirteen," Marrissa justified. "I had just turned 12
>when I got my rank."

CROW: And things just kept getting ranker from there....

> "Yeah, Jay," Lynn chimed in. "You had been an ensign four months
>when you were my age. It's not like I've spent my last five years trying
>to get into StarFleet like someone I know."

TOM SERVO: Lynn *definitely* needs to find better people to compare herself
to.

> "That's not fair," Jackie chimed in. "I come from a very
>competitive family."

MIKE: Looks like Ratliff just misspelled "dysfunctional".

> "And you worship your sister like a god," Jay responded.

TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Well, that's what she *said* she was!

> Jackie
>slumped. "Don't worry, we still love you despite that." He ruffed his
>sister-in-laws hair which annoyed her.

CROW: So she broke his wrist. Up to his neck.
TOM SERVO: Suddenly I understand why Doctor Johnson keeps finding tangles in
their hair....

> "Don't pick on my little sister," Marrissa defended. "If she wants
>to follow in my footsteps, I don't mind.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: After all, someday soon the entire *GALAXY* will be
following in my footsteps! BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAA!!!

> It does look like you're
>choosing your own path now though, Jackie."

CROW [as Marrissa]: Just make sure that it's a path *I* approve of....

> "Programming is fun. Chasing down bugs and security breaches is
>almost a game," Jackie remarked.

TOM SERVO: I think we're getting a little peek into the twisted psyche of the
author right here, guys.

> "I still want to command though."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Awwwwww... isn't that cute? My little sister's got an
unquenchable lust for power too....

> "You two are too alike," Jay commented, about Jackie and his wife.

CROW: It's almost as if they were both one-dimensional characters in a badly
written fanfic or something....

>"What does it take to get you two not to enjoy your duties?"

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Being in a fanfic where I don't get at least thirty
promotions or don't get crowned the ruler of about
half a dozen planets.

> "I refuse to answer that question, on the grounds that it may cause
>future problems," Marrissa replied.

CROW: The only "future problem" I see is that you're knocked up!

> "As Commanding Admiral Starfleet,
>you can't order me."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: So THERE! You can't make me, you can't make me! Nyah!

> "Just once, just once I'd like to out rank you," Jay responded.

TOM SERVO: Try not bathing for a while, that'll get you pretty rank....

>"Well Jackie, do you have an answer."

CROW [as Jackie]: Uh... 42?

> "I haven't encountered anything yet, but I'm only twelve and I've
>only been in StarFleet six months," Jackie answered.

TOM SERVO: When has *THAT* ever kept any Kid's Crew member from knowing
absolutely everything?!

> "Ask me again in a
>couple of years."

MIKE [as Jackie]: I need a little time to strike out on my own and build a
galactic empire....

> Epilogue

CROW: WOO HOO! There is light at the end of the tunnel! THE END IS IN
SIGHT!!!
TOM SERVO: Don't be too hasty, Crow... remember, Master Ninja had two of
these....

> With the capture of Romulan Starbase Nine, the tide of the war had
>turned. From then on Star Fleet held the upper hand. It was sometimes
>a shaky upper hand, but they held it.

CROW [singing]: I wanna hold your upper haaaaaaaaannnnnnddd....
MIKE: As we look back on the events of the war, we now see that the collapse
of the Romulan empire was clearly caused by their failure to keep
enough unfinished ships and museum pieces in reserve to provide an
impregnable line of defense.
TOM SERVO: Let that be a lesson to us all.

> Admiral Marrissa Amber Picard held command of StarFleet for the
>next two months. When her baby was born,

MIKE: ... she immediately gave him the Kobayashi Maru test and then ejected
him from the nearest airlock when he failed miserably.

> she turned Star Fleet over to
>her father once again.

TOM SERVO: It took him years to undo the damage.

> Before that happened, one last hurtle had to be
>over come.

CROW: The marble throne had to be removed from the Commanding Admiral's
office.

> The Klingons do not often stay out of wars.

MIKE [as stand-up comic]: Am I right? Back me up on this one, folks....

> As Marrissa began her
>systematic takeover of the Romulan Star Empire,

TOM SERVO: Oh, sure. THAT'S right in line with Roddenberry's philosophy....
MIKE: Looks more like Ryan Thomas Jackson's philosophy to me.

> they were debating which
>side to join. The Cardassians had been about to join the Federation at
>the time of the war's opening. They were debating their position as
>well.

CROW: Next, on Cardassian Crossfire: missionary vs. female superior!

> That story will be told in Return to Glory,

MIKE: Thanks. I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat. Really.

> along with further
>adventures of our intrepid commander of the USS Enterprise.

TOM SERVO: Oh, and there'll be some stuff in there about Marrissa, too.

>Professor John P. Hereomise III
>Professor of 24th Century History

CROW: I'm guessing he's a professor?

>University of Alpha-Beta Hidroxide University

MIKE: Graduate of Delta-Gamma Sulfide High.

>August 20, 2456

TOM SERVO: Stardate? What's that?

>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.

CROW: Where the English professors are obviously *far* too lenient...

>srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author

MIKE: You know, those stories should be required reading for anyone who even
*thinks* about giving Ratliff a job that involves working with
children....

>homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>Index Maintainer as well index/
> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>
>ASC Awards run from 2/02/97 to 3/19/97 see alt.startrek.creative for
>details.

MIKE: And the Little Gold Statue award for the most stupid name in a Ratliff
fanfic goes to...
CROW: [imitates the sound of an envelope opening] ENSIGN THROWAWAY, from
Away From Home, Part 1!
TOM SERVO: But Professor Hereomise III is still honored to be nominated.

>"If his words hold wisdom, and his philosphy is honorable, then what
>does it matter if he returns. Perhaps the words are more important than
>the man."-Ka'less II ST:TNG "Rightful Heir"

MIKE: On the other hand, if it's a Ratliff story, the chances of seeing
ANYTHING wise, honorable or important are pretty remote.
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] Well said. Now let's get OUT of here....

[Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater]


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[Concluded in Part 6]