(repost) MSTed: New World Order Control Plans
Petrea E. Mitchell
Submitted for your approval: Chris French. A guy who is not on
the best of terms with his newsreader. An up-and-coming MSTer who finds
himself unable to post his work. So I'm posting this for him, and I've
set replies to his address. Let's see if it works this time.
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
Don't stop with authority-- question everything!
"Never you mind who's corny, you put that tiger down." ---The Goon Show
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are copyright 1995 Best
Brains, Inc. The following is not intended to infringe on that copyright.
Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.
**************************************************************************
[opening]
[SoL. It is under-lit; Mike has yet to change the lightbulbs. Crow & Servo
are doing what they do best -- arguing]
Crow: It's ridiculous, I'm telling you!
Servo: C'mon. It's the best system they've got.
Crow: You have GOT to be KIDDING ME! At least in Formula One, winning scores
a lot more points than second. NASCAR's system has such a small difference,
you don't even have to win races to win the championship. They don't call it
"winning" the championship for nothing!
Servo: Still, consistency does count for something, doesn't it?
Crow: Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything-- you should know!
Servo: Listen, pinbeak, I've had about enough of your lip--
Crow: I'm a robot-- I don't have lips!
Servo: D'oh! That does it! Come here! [lunges at Crow]
[Mike pops up from behind the counter, interposing himself between Servo &
Crow and taking them one in each hand]
Mike: Black flag, guys. [light flashes] We'll be right back.
[annoying commercial for phone plan which is useful only if your relatives
are motormouths who live in Australia, followed by Mentos commercial using
old stock footage of Hitler's late-night rallies during the late 1930s]
[SoL. Mike is still between the Bots, but is not holding them]
Crow: So, Mike, what's your view on NASCAR's point system. You think it
should emphasize winning or consistency?
Mike: Well, at the risk of sounding like I'm waffling, I figure it should
give a clear edge to someone who wins a lot. However, if he's a win-or-
break type, he should end up about midpack.
Crow: What about point-grabbers?
Mike: Terminate with extreme prejudice. [light flashes] Great. Benny Parsons
and Ned Jarrett are calling.
Crow: [Harry Gant voice] Aw hell, here we go again!
[Deep 13. The place has been decorated -- nay, festooned -- with paraphren-
alia relating to "Goodwrench", the number 3, and some guy named "Earnhardt".
Dr. F looks like a cat who has sucked down a truckload of canaries]
Dr. F: Ah, Michael Waltrip, so good of you to be here. We're just celebrat-
ing the greatest triumph of evil since Barney hit the airwaves! Dale Earn-
hardt, a driver with a "competitors wrecked" record that makes Baron Von
Richthofen look like a four-year-old at a carnival target shoot, has won
his seventh championship, equaling that smiling source of goodwill, The
King, Richard Petty!
[Frank dances into view. His black suit has a variety of stickers applied
to it, such that it resembles a certain NASCAR Lumina]
Frank: Proof that in this world, the bad guys *can* win! [He & Dr. F trade
five]
[SoL. The place is overhung with STP logos, number 43's, and a large portrait
of Richard Petty located on the door. Mike, Crow, Servo, and Gypsy are all
wearing large cowboy hats with feather cockades on the front and sunglasses.
Gypsy has a '43' on either side of her head]
Mike: That's only one record, and he only EQUALED it! What about the 200 vic-
tories, the 10 wins in a row, the 27 victories in one season--
Crow: Sir, I know Richard Petty. Richard Petty is a friend of mine. Sir,
you are no Richard Petty!
Servo: That's a little hackneyed, Crow.
Crow: Aha! A sympathizer! GET HIM! [Mike jumps Servo and begins shaking him]
Mike: Confess, you fiend!
Servo: NEVER!
Mike: Three words: Weather-Servo Nine.
Servo: [weakly] I confess!
Mike: Be seated. [Crow begins humming "God Save The Queen"]
[Deep 13. Dr. F looks pleased]
Dr. F: Well, since I'll be off traveling for a while, I thought this posting
would be appropriate. It's a little chunk of auto-moronica from alt.security.
ripem! Suck exhaust, Mike Wallace! Drop the flag, Frank!
[SoL. The lights go psycho]
All: We've got posting sign! Let's go!
[*...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[ Article crossposted from alt.security.ripem ]
CROW: Up one side 'n' down the other! That's the Colonial Marine Credo!
MIKE: Crow, you've been watching my "ALIENS" tape again.
> [ Author was ]
CROW: A paranoid fruitloop!
SERVO: And still is!
> [ Posted on 24 Oct 1994 16:20:08 -0000 ]
SERVO: He dropped a four-scoop ice-cream cone on his chronometer. Graceful.
CROW: Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
> Sinister Microchips Now Embedded in Highways
MIKE: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but calling a microchip "Sinister" indi-
cates the presence of a personality, and there ain't no such been made yet!
BOTS: HEY!
MIKE [embarrassed]: Sorry 'bout that.
> This source
CROW: Code-named "Royal Nonesuch"
> indicates that the highways are being equipped with
MIKE: A special lane for drunk drivers -- one lane, both directions!
> electronic chips that will help to guide
CROW: Tactical nuclear missiles toward cars that have 4000 speakers and play
nothing but Technobloodytronic!
> the UN troops to their various
SERVO: Places where the locals can effectively ambush them.
> destinations, and the automobiles that entities
CROW: [nervously] Oh, great Cthulhu, please tell me he didn't just call
people "entities"!
> drive can also be affected by
CROW: A cup of sugar in the fuel tank.
> these new chips that are being placed in and along the
SERVO: _Highway To Hell_.
MIKE: For crying out loud, Tom, don't give the Mads any ideas!
> highways so that the automobile's computer and the chips in the automobile,
> can
CROW: Force the occupants to listen to nothing but religious programs and
farm reports!
MIKE: Crow, you are evil. Unredeemably evil.
CROW: Well, Joel did program me with Dr. F's personality.
> halt the entity's
CROW: Uhh, Mike, he didn't just...oh, no....
> car or vehicle or truck
SERVO: Well, that about covers it. He better pray no one invents a practical
family hovercraft.
> , or track it
> to see where it goes. This source indicates it can also direct a
> vehicle to a destination.
CROW: So that's how the Democrats plan to get the voters out. They'll hijack
them!
SERVO: That's if the religious right doesn't use the chips to force people to
go to church.
MIKE: Guys, in case y'all ain't aware, THIS IS A LOAD OF CRAP! IT IS NOT
REAL!
BOTS [shaking themselves]: WHOA! Thanks, Mike.
> These chips can receive and send
CROW: Orders to Domino's so you can outrun the delivery vehicle and get free
food!
MIKE: If you ever watch Carrot Top again, you go out the airlock. Capiche?
> information, can receive from satellites
CROW: Various odd diseases. [Mike lifts his hand as if to strike] Sorry.
> and send information to the vehicle, or can receive information from the
> vehicle as to who it belongs to and what is known of the owner,
SERVO: How much he weighs.
MIKE: How often he speeds.
CROW: How many farts are in that seat cushion. [Mike's hand rises] Sorry.
> and can send this to a satellite
SERVO: Oh, great. Dr. F is subcontracting us out again!
> so that anyone wanting to monitor what is going on in a highway activity
SERVO [frustrated]: ANYTHING YOU DO ON A HIGHWAY IS A "HIGHWAY ACTIVITY"!
CROW: Evidently, this clown has never listened to George Carlin's set about
using excessively pretentious language.
> can even know who the players are.
CROW: This guy plays too much CAR WARS.
> This source indicates that in other words,
SERVO: He's going to try to *paraphrase* that?!
> if they are looking for a particular entity
CROW: [frightened] STOP THAT! AAAAAAAAAARGH!
> who has eluded them, they may find him or her on the highway through the
> satellite,
SERVO: We'd better get overtime for all this work we're gonna be doin'.
MIKE: Servo, read my lips: THIS IS NOT REAL!
> even if they are hidden away in some wooded area,
MIKE: Uhh, yo, forgive me for playing Devil's advocate, but what if the
target abandons the vehicle and walks?
> the satellite
SERVO: It's gonna be busy up here. I'd better get ready [leaves].
MIKE: Servo, you couldn't catch a clue with a mile-long drift net.
> could locate them, find their location,
CROW: That seems reasonable-- since that's what the word "locate" means!!
> so that troops could follow and find the entity,
CROW: [hysterically] STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> wherever he or she might be, based on the chips in the automobile.
MIKE: This post gives new meaning to "chips and dips".
CROW: Not to mention "chains and whips".
MIKE: [raising hand] Crow--
CROW: As in "THIS REALLY HURTS!"
> This source
CROW: Code-named "Bovine Scatology".
> indicates that these tracking devices are being placed on highways today.
MIKE: They're being concealed in potholes.
CROW: Oh, grand. Iowa's gonna be absolutely chock-a-block with these things.
> Many are already in place, many are now being placed,
MIKE: All are figments of the author's imagination.
> and plans are for these to be continued as placements
CROW: So now they're placements? I thought they were supposed to be
microchips.
> up to the year
MIKE: My Voice Broke.
CROW: Don't you start giving the Mads ideas.
> 2000
CROW: [sings] Zero-Zero, party's over, oops, outta time --
MIKE: Don't you *ever* quote that person again!!
> , when these shall be fully in place.
CROW: And you will be comfortably ensconced in a loony bin!
> This source
CROW: Code-named "Queen".
MIKE: [sings] Liar! Nobody believes me....
> indicates that with monetary controls and the traffic controls,
CROW: Didn't Reagan fire those guys?
MIKE: Those were the traffic controllers!
CROW: Like Reagan could remember the difference. [Mike whacks him] OWCH!
MIKE: You crossed the line there, slick.
> entities
[Crow trembles visibly]
> will not be able to move without being allowed to move,
CROW: [as Simon Phoenix] Simon says, "Move!"
MIKE: In my opinion, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.
CROW: NOW who's getting tasteless.
> will not be able to spend and conduct business without being monitored or
> allowed to conduct business.
MIKE: Did that make any sense at all?
CROW: Mike, this is a post the Mads sent us. You were expecting clarity?!
> Entities
[Crow shudders]
> essentially will be imprisoned with the passes allowed by the
MIKE: Passage of Proposition 187. That same year, a swastika was added to
California's state flag.
CROW: And I'M too tasteless? Hypocrite.
> governing forces, to go where they are permitted, but not to go or do
> things outside the government's permission.
CROW: It would appear this person does not know what the word "law" means.
MIKE: Too true. Hey, where's Servo? We better find him.
CROW: Aw hell!
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CROW: What the --
MIKE: It says "scythe".
CROW: As in what we should use to make certain this loon never has children?
> 411 23 420 1663 18 11 09
CROW: Are those his measurements?
MIKE: No, that's his Lofton Bizarreness Index score. I think he takes the
taco.
> --
MIKE: [Jake Blues voice] Let's get the hell out of here.
[...1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[Cambot is panned to the right. Mike and Crow appear]
Mike: Man, I thought you were gonna vaporlock there! Why'd you flip like
that?
Crow: Well, for cryin' out loud, Mike, this clown refers to people as "enti-
ties"! Why can't he just say "people"? Who the heck does he think he is,
Edgar Cayce?!
[As they speak, they walk across the bridge. On stage left has been erected
what looks like a huge computer, with an attached map of the world. Hooked to
this is Servo. Mike and Crow take one look and stop cold]
Mike: *What* is *this*?!
Servo: It's the computer that tracks and co-ordinates all those computer
chips. I can now find anyone, anywhere, anytime! I can see all! I can hear
all! I AM GOD HERE!
Mike: [to Crow] I think you know what I'm going to say, so I won't bother.
Crow: Yep. And I agree.
Mike: I think you know what I'm going to ask you, so I won't.
Crow: Cool.
Mike: So, what's your answer?
Crow: You never asked me a question. [Mike backhands him]
Mike: Be serious, for crying out loud! We've got to help Servo!
Crow: Ya wanna step aside, let the pro take this? [Mike steps back. Crow ap-
proaches Servo]
Crow: So, you can find anyone, anywhere, anytime?
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Sure?
Servo: Yep.
Crow: OK. I want you to find a missing person for me. You must find him.
Everything else can just wait.
Servo: Fine. All of my circuits are dedicated to finding this person.
Name him.
Crow: Mike Nelson, employee, Happy Temps Agency.
Servo: Working. [Several seconds pass. Servo begins shaking. Smoke billows
from the computer and Servo. Suddenly, there is a brilliant flash of flame.
Servo & computer are engulfed in flames. Mike panics. Crow jumps back, jaw
hanging. Gypsy appears from off-screen right, points toward the flames,
opens her mouth, and quite literally vomits fire-extinguishing foam on
Servo and the computer. After several seconds, the flames are gone. The
computer is an unidentifiable smoldering lump. Servo is much the same]
Mike: [to Gypsy] Quick thinking, girl. [Gypsy nods and wanders off] Crow,
that was absolutely EVIL. Totally, utterly, unredeemably EVIL. Shame on you.
Crow: Yeah, but it was DAMNED fun. [to Cambot] Whatcha think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. F's jaw is hanging open and his eyes are bugging out. Frank is
shaking his head, looking rather bothered]
Frank: That is the sickest thing you guys have EVER done. [looks at Dr. F] Am
I wrong? Doc? [he pokes Dr. F, who topples forward onto the keyboard, pushing
the button in the process]
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