MSTing of a sort from alt.fan.goons
Petrea E. Mitchell
who posted a MSTing of "Free Money" to alt.fan.goons, as well as here.
The Goon fans were talking back to unwanted posts before then, but never
quite as aggresively as since he made that posting. As Exhibit A, I sub-
mit this carbon copy of an article by a.f.g regular Russell Street.
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
"You can't be a sucessful dictator and design women's underclothing. ...One
or the other. Not both." ---"Jeeves & Wooster", Masterpiece Theater
----------------------------[cut here]----------------------------
From cmcl2!panix!zip.eecs.umich.edu!caen!msunews!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!news.hal.COM!decwrl!waikato!auckland.ac.nz!ccu1.auckland.ac.nz!russells Fri Feb 10 11:36:05 1995
Path: cmcl2!panix!zip.eecs.umich.edu!caen!msunews!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!news.hal.COM!decwrl!waikato!auckland.ac.nz!ccu1.auckland.ac.nz!russells
From: russ...@ccu1.auckland.ac.nz (Russell Street)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
Subject: Re: <ad> GUARANTEED CREDIT REPAIR BY LAW FIRM
Date: 10 Feb 1995 06:45:15 GMT
Organization: University of Auckland
Lines: 97
Message-ID: <3hf21r$k...@net.auckland.ac.nz>
References: <3hckfa$5...@panix.com>
Reply-To: r.st...@auckland.ac.nz (Russell Street)
NNTP-Posting-Host: ccu1.auckland.ac.nz
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #6 (NOV)
Let me get my gun,
We're going to have some fun...
cc...@cyber.sell.com (Consumer Credit Advocates) writes:
>New York, NY 10001
A Hern, eh?
>(212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)
... and he has a sinful telephone. I wonder if it is a brown
telephone or a black telephone.
>E-MAIL: cc...@cyber.sell.com
Has anyone noticed if you see that wrong it spells 'crap'...
> THIS IS
>NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT.
I am a self made man
--- I can see the pieces don't fit very well
>What can we do?
We would tell you, but the BBC would not us broadcast it.
>and Bankruptcies from our clients' credit reports.
Use our services and you will not longer beable to quote from that
floodlit bankrupcy note!
>WE
>GUARANTEE THAT YOUR CREDIT CAN BE RESTORED!!!
Just let us hold you down in this bath of turpentine and we can wash
away all those years of grease and grime.
>Who needs our services?
My car needs a service... do you do that?
>Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and
Bloodnok: Ohh ahh... it was *hell* in there, I tell you...
>Anyone who is unable to buy the house of their dreams
Eccles: I had a house of dreams once
Bluebottle: What happened to it
Eccles: I woke up!
>pay thousands of dollars
Bloodnok: Money, loverly money... tell me more!
>someone with good credit.
GTT: Our credit is perfectly good. Cheques can be cashed at any
Mongolian bakery in the monsoon season while a herd of while elephants
is charging through the store.
>THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDIT:
Eccles: Four? I can't count that high ... I haven't got enough fingers!
>Myth #1: It is illegal or immoral
Bloodnok: Illegal or immoral? That never stopped it being any less fun!
>Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankruptcy off a
>credit report.
GTT: It must be HELL up there on that bankruptcy...
>determine your credit worthiness.
We could always see if you services are water tight by testing them at
see... it would also test your sea worthiness.
>The president of our LAW FIRM has been practicing
>consumer law since 1984. The staff of our firm has
Still practicing? I would have thought you would have got much better
at it by now...
Whew!
Well it is better than... no on second thoughts it is not better than
that.
Russell
Laura Ann
Sorry to have been lurking for so long and not contributing, but to make
up for it I thought I might send this MST of mine along. I originally
did it for alt.books.anne-rice so if you only like MSTs with Joel/Mike
and the 'bots, you can hit d now and you won't hurt my feelings. Hope
you enjoy.
--Laura Ann
--------------------------------------------------------
Ok darling dears, there was no way I was going to let this one slip by.
I now present to you "If VampChron met MST3K" for your viewing enjoyment.
--Laura Ann
-------------------------------------
6..... 5.... 4..... 3..... 2..... 1....
LESTAT: Ok, Louis, now I've taught you how to read mail, how to subscribe
to newsgroups...
ARMAND: How to finger...
LESTAT: Shut up and mind your own business! Now I'm going to teach you
how to flame.
DANIEL: Isn't there a course on that at the Learning Annex?
LESTAT: I'm sure I don't know. Now, do you understand the process Louis?
LOUIS: I think so. What we have before us is called a "spam" and is highly
looked down upon and therefore worthy of flame.
LESTAT: Correct.
LOUIS: Why to they call it a spam?
DANIEL: It's an old Monty Python gag.
LOUIS: I see. And what do you call someone who spams?
ARMAND: An annoying, dickless wonder.
DANIEL: What if they're female?
LESTAT: More's the pity.
ARMAND: Quiet, it's starting!
> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC
> 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101
> New York, NY 10001
> (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)
> E-MAIL: cc...@cyber.sell.com
LESTAT: Not terribly bright of them to tell us where they work now is it?
The next time I'm feeling peckish I could just go over there and
wipe out the whole accounting department.
ARMAND: They'd bore you to death first.
> Our LAW FIRM
LOUIS: Why are they shouting?
DANIEL: You might as well ask why are they spamming.
LOUIS: Why *are* they spamming?
LESTAT: I'm guessing lack of a real hobby.
> offers direct guaranteed effective credit
> restoration services by experienced attorneys.
DANIEL: Unlike those other places that offer guaranteed ineffective credit
restoration by moronic attorneys.
> THIS IS NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT.
LESTAT: Oh darn. And here I was saying to myself "If only some idiot could
offer me a do-it-yourself credit kit via e-mail."
> What can we do?
LOUIS: It occurs to me that if they have to ask *us* what their skills are
perhaps they are not the best people for the job.
> We have successfully facilitated the removal of Late
> Payments, Charge-offs, Foreclosures, Repossessions,
> Collection Accounts, Loan Defaults, Tax Liens, Judgments
> and Bankruptcies from our clients' credit reports.
DANIEL: It's amazing what a bottle of white-out can do.
> WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR CREDIT CAN BE RESTORED!!!
ALL: *Stop* that!
> Who needs our services?
LOUIS: Again, if *they* have to ask...
> Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and
> embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a
> lease or a purchase of an automobile.
LESTAT: Hey Armand, have you ever experienced the inconvenience and
embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a lease or a
purchase of an automobile?
ARMAND: Oh all the time. It's amazing how having a few million tucked away
makes banks unwilling to trust you.
LOUIS: It's good to know that they did their research and found the right
target audience for this post.
> Anyone who is unable to buy the house of their dreams
> due to denial of a mortgage application or who has to
> pay thousands of dollars more in mortgage interest than
> someone with good credit.
DANIEL: Should probably look elsewhere for good advice.
ARMAND: I think this would fall under the catagory of Social Darwinism.
> Anyone who has been turned down for a job or promotion
> due to derogatory credit items on a credit report.
LESTAT: What's a derogatory credit item?
ARMAND: Something like "You owe us $500 you stupid jerk."
LESTAT: Ah.
> Anyone in business who has lost a deal because a person
> or firm wanted to see his/her credit report before
> doing business.
LESTAT: Mojo did his business on the rug the other day yet I felt no need
to check his credit report first.
LOUIS: I don't think that's what they meant, Lestat.
> Anyone who has been unable to establish credit.
DANIEL: Let's see... someone out there actually needs help from a spam
and yet they've been unable to have a responsible financial career?
Who would have thought?
> THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDIT:
ARMAND: #1.. This firm will help you.
LESTAT: I thought number one was the larch.
DANIEL: No, it's the bearded guy on Star Trek.
LOUIS: I think that covers the required subreferences for flames.
LESTAT: Indeed.
> Myth #1: It is illegal or immoral to have your credit
> report cleared.
LESTAT: It is?
LOUIS: Yes, the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not have thy credit report
cleared.
DANIEL: Did they have credit reports back then?
LOUIS: Not really, but God was thinking ahead.
> Fact: It is not illegal nor immoral. In fact,
> that is what the Fair Credit Reporting Act is all
> about. The act was enacted by Congress in 1971.
ARMAND: And here I thought my tax dollars were going to waste.
LESTAT: You pay taxes?
ARMAND: Well no, but I was speaking in theory.
> One of its purposes as to give consumers the
> protection of the law and to help guard against
> any unwarranted invasion of a consumer's right to
> privacy.
DANIEL: The other purpose involved this weird idea about animals and
porno flicks. That's democracy for you.
> Myth #2: The information on a credit report cannot be
> changed.
LESTAT: Where are they getting these myths from anyway? I've never heard
of them.
ARMAND: Gee, Lestat, are you trying to imply that this poster is making
it up as they go along?
ALL: Nooooo...
> Fact: Actually, the opposite is true under the
> Fair Credit Reporting Act. Federal and State laws
> require that items be removed if they are not 100%
> accurate or cannot be verified in a timely
> manner.
LESTAT: I'm confused. Is it the opposite of the fact that's true under the
Act or is the fact that it's the opposite of the myth which is
the fact?
ARMAND: I think that the fact about the opposite of the myth is actually true
provided that the myth of the fact is 100% accurate and/or you
are verifying it in a timely manner and you are a joint couple
filing singly.
LESTAT: Ok then.
> Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankruptcy off a
> credit report.
DANIEL: Now that *is* a myth. A little club soda does wonders for getting
bankruptcy off credit reports *and* fine washables.
> Fact: Bankruptcies can come off credit reports
> like any other derogatory item.
ARMAND: Which is to say, not at all if you use this firm.
> The nature of the derogatory item has nothing to do with its removal
> under the Fair Credit Reporting Act.
ARMAND: Neither does the hiring of this firm, but I repeat myself.
LESTAT: Spam will do that to you.
DANIEL: Ewwww.
> Myth #4: Credit Reporting Agencies are empowered with
> some kind of governmental authority.
LOUIS: Would it be overly cynical to ask if the *government* was empowered
with some kind of governmental authority?
DANIEL: I think so.
LOUIS: Ok then, I won't mention it.
> Fact: Absolutely Not!! They are simply large
> corporations whose primary goal is to make a
> profit like any other business.
LESTAT: Oh God, this isn't Make.Money.Fast again is it!?!
ARMAND: I don't think so. This doesn't look like it was posted by a high
school freshman with far too much time on his hands.
ALL: Whew!
> If you have ever applied for or received credit, a file
> exists in one or more of the credit bureaus.
ARMAND: Not necessarily a file about *you*, just a random file that exists.
LESTAT: Files? Is a credit bureau like the Talamasca?
DANIEL: No, credit bureaus are much older yet surprisingly infinately less
interesting.
> These companies collect, store and distribute as much credit
> information as they can find,
LESTAT: Which I'm sure makes their employees simply facinating to talk to
at parties.
> retaining negative information on a credit report for 7 to 10 years.
DANIEL: <imitating a Midol commercial> My credit report feels so achy and
bloated.
LESTAT: Well, once a month a credit report retains about 7 to 10 years
worth of negative information.
DANIEL: Does this mean my credit report is becoming a woman now?
ARMAND: Oh be quiet!
> This information is evaluated by potential creditors to
> determine your credit worthiness.
ALL: <imitating Wanye's World> OUR CREDIT'S NOT WORTHY! OUR CREDIT'S NOT
WORTHY!
> Credit reporting agencies are in business to protect
> the interests of the creditors.
LESTAT: And because they failed out of a real law school.
LOUIS: That's not very nice.
LESTAT: Oh come on, Louis, they deserve it!
LOUIS: No, I meant your insult, I thought you could do better.
LESTAT: Sorry, all this drivel is making me tired. I'll try harder next
time.
> the LAW FIRM's
LOUIS: *Again* with the shouting.
> goal is
> to help and protect the individual consumer from
> inaccurate credit reporting.
LESTAT: And to get back at all those frat guys who beat us up and stole our
pocket protectors.
LOUIS: That's more like it.
> The president of our LAW FIRM
DANIEL: Insert your own gratuitous Hair Club for Men joke here.
> has been practicing consumer law since 1984.
ARMAND: He's not very good at it, but he's practicing.
> The staff of our firm has
> successfully processed, disputed and challenged
> thousands of client credit reports.
LOUIS: I notice that they don't say that they *won*, only that they did the
paperwork.
LESTAT: Well even *I* know about the laws of false advertising.
> Our legal fee is based o the number of negative items
DANIEL: What is this, the 90s version of the Star Spangled Banner?
o/~ O the number of negative items... o/~
ARMAND: Never, ever do that again or I may have to hurt you.
DANIEL: Promises, promises.
> that appear on a client's credit reports, issued b the
LOUIS: I don't know about you, but it's the companies with the spelling
errors in their posts that really get my confidence going.
> three national credit bureaus. Our retainer agreement
> offers a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
DANIEL: Let's hear it for the caps lock key ladies and gentlemen!
LESTAT: God, it's like back in the 80s when everyone discovered how to change
fonts on their word processors and they started creating the
equivilant of computer ransom notes.
LOUIS: I was thinking that this was more like the first draft of that
infinate number of monkeys and typewriters experiment.
> stating that if any negative item is not deleted, upgraded or corrected
> from a client's credit file,
ARMAND: Tough luck sucker!
> it will give the client a
> full refund for that item or continue to process the
> client's file at no additional fee until that item is
> corrected, upgraded or deleted.
LESTAT: Or until our firm goes out of business. No prize for guessing
which will come first.
> THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR BAD CREDIT!!
DANIEL: And perhaps any once of pride you had left in your body so go for
it folks!
LESTAT: They wouldn't dare keep this shouting up would they?
LOUIS: Yeah, and I was a virgin when you met me.
LESTAT: *What*?
LOUIS: We'll talk about it later.
> PLEASE
LOUIS: Told you.
> CONTACT THE
LESTAT: Nearest hitman you can find and send him to this
> LAW FIRM AND
ARMAND: Tell him to
> LEAVE
DANIEL: A trail of corpses behind him.
LOUIS: Sigh, dare to dream.
> YOUR FULL NAME, MAILING ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER SO WE MAY FORWARD
> FURTHER INFORMATION AND INSTRUCTIONS TO YOU ABOUT OUR
> SERVICE.
LESTAT: Oh yeah, I've got nothing better to do with my time than to have you
guys call me up five times a day to give me the same message.
LOUIS: Is that how many times they posted this?
DANIEL: I think they posted it at least three times on every newsgroup.
LOUIS: Which is roughly...?
ARMAND: Twelve times too many.
> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC
> 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101
> New York, NY 10001
> (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)
LESTAT: Boy, they're really asking for it aren't they?
LOUIS: Well, it's that Social Darwinism again.
> E-MAIL: cc...@cyber.sell.com
DANIEL: Look at that, their e-mail address.
LOUIS: So it is.
LESTAT: Yup, their e-mail address.
ARMAND: Uh-huh.
LOUIS: Not that we would *ever* suggest spamming them in return.
DANIEL: Or sending them a virus.
LESTAT: Or stealing all their records.
ARMAND: Or shutting down their system.
LOUIS: Nope.
DANIEL: Never.
LESTAT: Not in a million years.
ARMAND: Perish the thought.
------------------------------
Mike Cohen
I assume everyone knows who cyber.sell.com is (hint: initials are C&S).
--
Mike Cohen - is...@netcom.com
NewtonMail, eWorld: MikeC / ALink: D6734 / AOL: MikeC20
Home Page: ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/is/isis/home.html
PUSH THE BUTTON, FRANK... OR SOMEONE?