[MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (1/4)

[Matthew Miller]

[ OPENING ]

[ SOL. CROW and TOM SERVO are arguing. JOEL is off stage. ]

TOM: Stop it! Stop it! For the sake of all decency, stop it!
CROW: What? I'm just singing.

[ JOEL enters from stage right. ]

JOEL: Hi, guys. [ Looks at camera. ] Oh, we're back. Hi, everybody,
and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and these
are my wonderful 'bots, Crow and Tom Servo... [ Looks at both ]
What's happening, you two?
CROW: Tom is getting really uptight.
TOM: Crow is singing a lot of really popular songs.
JOEL: What's wrong with that?
TOM: He's singing them wrong.
CROW: He's just being a little control freak.
JOEL: Well, why don't you give me an example, guys?
CROW: Sure. *Ahem.*
[ Singing The Beatles' "Getting Better" ]
I'm getting bitter on my dime!
I used to get plaid for my tool!
The T-shirts that brought me were gruel!
TOM: There! There! See?
JOEL: I don't know...this seems like an awfully little thing to
get upset about.
TOM: Give him some more, Crow.
CROW: Glad to.
[ Singing "Christmas" from The Who's "Tommy" ]
But Tom, he doesn't know what play it is!
Don't know who Ceasar is or what 'et tu' means!
How can he regain...
Some of the above refrain?
JOEL: [ Bemused. ] Tommy, did you hear that?
TOM: I heard! I heard and I suffered! Joel, will you correct him?
JOEL: I don't think you really need to get this worked up about it.
CROW: Or about...this:
[ Singing theme to "The Golden Girls" ]
Thank you for bearing a trend.
Raffle down a toad and back we send.
Your part is due; you're a Hal and a comfort, hon...
JOEL: All right. Tom Servo, have you tried asking him nicely to stop?
TOM: Yes!
JOEL: Really?
TOM: No. [ JOEL ahs and nods. ] But I told him he was making my
teeth hurt.
CROW: I still want to sing!
MAGIC: Commercial sign in five seconds.
JOEL: Okay, I'd like both of you to stop and think a little about
what you're both doing.
MAGIC: Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN ]

JOEL: Thank you, Magic Voice. Excuse me while I kiss this guy.
CROW: He doesn't have teeth anyway.

[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ BREAK ]

[ SOL. As before ]

CROW: Will you still feed me?
Will you still streak with me?
When I'm six feet four?
TOM: GYARGH! That's enough! [ Rams into CROW several times. ]

[ MADS sign flashes ]

JOEL: Guys, behave; E and F Hutton are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS sign ]

[ D13. DR. FORRESTER is hogging the camera; TV'S FRANK, in background,
is sitting at a desk, dressed like Dr. Joyce Brothers ]

DR.F: Hello, Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. What sort of day have you
had today? Was it the sort of day that makes you doubt your
ability to prolong your futile fight against insanity?

[ SOL ]

JOEL: Actually, I had a pretty good day.
TOM: Yeah, me too. *Overall.*
CROW: I saw a firefly.

[ D13 ]

DR.F: Don't worry. We'll change your mind. Ready for the Invention
Exchange, my little chickadees?

[ SOL ]

JOEL: More than ready, sir. See, we couldn't all agree on what to
present. I had a wonderful idea, but I talked it over with
the bots and ...
CROW: We hated it.
TOM: Yeah. So we did our own.

[ D13 ]

DR.F: Fine then. You go first *and* last.

[ SOL ]

JOEL: The Internet. HTML. Standardized markup languages. Java.
The name of the game in computers in the 90's is platform
independence. Yet ever since ENIAC was turned on, computer
users have delighted in telling jokes about other computer
users.
CROW: [ Uninterested ] So Joel had a brain-stem-storm and devised...
JOEL: [ Taking boards up from behind the desk ] Platform-
independent computer jokes! Let's take a look.
[ JOEL uncovers the first joke; Tom reads along, listlessly. ]
TOM: How about those people who use that other computer system?
Boy, are they goofy, to put up with the quirks and limits of
that other computer system. No way can its strengths make up
for its silliness.
JOEL: See? But wait, there's more!
[ JOEL uncovers next joke; Crow reads without enthusiasm. ]
CROW: Look at the leading proponent of that other computer system.
What a geeky geek. He's such a geek, geeks look at him like a
geek. Only geeks would stick to that other computer system.
[ JOEL uncovers next joke. ]
JOEL: Or... "That other computer system! How dumb! And it crashes
all the time! Notice you can make an acronym out of its name,
about how it never works and always crashes?"...and there you
have it.

[ D13 ]

DR.F: It's kinda crazy, but it just might work. But who cares? I
have something that will definitely throw the world into chaos
and let me take over. TV's Frank shall provide exposition.

[ DR. F moves aside so TV's FRANK can be clearly seen ]

FRANK: Hi, guys. "Ann Landers," "Dear Abby," "Ask Beth"...no matter
the newspaper, no matter where in the world, there's very
confused and easily lead people looking for help from newspapers.
DR.F: Yes, for some reason the same population that won't trust a
word a newspaper has to say about politics, government, or
movie reviews will follow unquestioningly any advice given by
someone with what looks like a syndicated column. And that plays
right into my hands.
FRANK: Next month I'm going to be "Dear TV's Frank" in over fifty
newspapers in the United States and Canada!
DR.F: Yes, and with our...unique...and openly evil advice column
we'll have the idiot population bent to our will! Now, a sample.
[ DR. F pulls out a letter ]
DR.F: "Dear TV's Frank: I'm a high school student and although I've
resisted the urge so far I'm feeling a lot of pressure to drink
alcohol. What should I do? Signed, Languid in Lansingburgh."
FRANK: [ Reading from script in best Dr. Joyce Brothers impression ]
"Dear Languid: You are to be commended for your resistance. While
imbhibing is one of the oldest and most nearly universal social
activities the world has ever devised, you should refrain
completely until your calendar age happens to meet the arbitrary
and unrealistic requirements set by lawmakers grasping for an
inexpensive and effortless way to buy off voters concerned about
drunk driving. You should instead become addicted to sugar,
caffeine and the Internet as ways to smother your desperate and
doomed search for affection until you do get old enough to use
alcohol to silence the desperation of your soul. Good luck!"
DR.F: And there's people who will listen! Ha ha! Next?

[ SOL ]

[ JOEL is characteristically aghast. There is a phone book on the
desk. ]

CROW: Well, *our* invention is something to promote important social
values needed in this modern society. It got its inspiration when
Tom Servo was looking up a number in the Yellow Pages and found...
TOM: I found in the bottom of the columns, when they weren't filled
with phone numbers or advertisements, various bits of trivia or
pro-phone-book messages, such as this one...Joel?

[ JOEL holds up phone book, not that anyone can read anything. Some
line of text is circled with a red marker. ]

JOEL: "Using the phone book teaches children independence."
TOM: It's true, it does! But why not go farther, and teach children
important lessons about critical thinking?
CROW: Hence, we have a phone book that teaches just that.
Let's demonstrate.

[ JOEL pulls out a green-colored phone book and opens it up. ]

CROW: Joel, could you look up the number for a fire department?
JOEL: Sure. [ Looks it up. ] "There are none."
TOM: There you go, see? We learn that authority, in this case
the telephone book, is not infallible. Try another one, maybe
the town library.
JOEL: [ Looking it up. ] Okay...uhm..."The number has a seven, a
five, an eight and a three in it, but not in that order."
CROW: Which teaches that even when a source--in this case the phone
book--knows something, you must still think about the information
it offers, and put your own work into it. Joel, if you'd look up
the 800 number for subscribing to "National Geographic"?
JOEL: [ Looking it up ] "We can't tell you because you wouldn't be
able to use that information wisely."
TOM: This teaches the valuable lesson that authority figures,
in this case (again) the telephone book, will try to control and
withhold information to maintain their power.
CROW: It's perfect!

[ D13 ]

[ DR. FORRESTER is sitting at TV's FRANK's desk, to one side;
FRANK is on the other, holding up an oversized card. They
are seated to face each other, but DR. FORRESTER turns to
view the camera. ]

DR.F: You know, you might have something there, boobies. Of course,
I might just have in my hand the key to your ultimate and total
mental breakdown. Want to know more?
FRANK: [ As on "Password" ] Owls....
DR.F: It's your and my favorite band of animated characters with
heads five times the size of their bodies! Yes, fans of that
video game-turned-cartoons "Sonic the Hedgehog" send off another
of their agonizers.
FRANK: [ As above ] Tantalus...
DR.F: It's called "FX Down to Mobius," and I think you'll find
this a refreshing change of pace from their usual works of
ouvre in that it's not different at all.
FRANK: [ As above ] Supervision...
DR.F: I look forward to hearing your cries of anguish. Now get
back to work.
FRANK: [ As above ] Lugubrious...
DR.F: [ Hitting FRANK's card onto the floor ] Would you just
send them the fanfic?
FRANK: But we're up for the Champions Week!
DR.F: Frank! Now! Oh, guys, there's a short, some sort of argument
about John Glenn not going on a space shuttle flight. Just
suffer through it and let the real fuzzy-faced pain begin.

[ SOL ]

[ MOVIE SIGN chaos ]

ALL: AAAAAAUGH! Movie sign!

[ In the chaos, Joel tosses up his cards; they fall down as we go
into the doors. ]

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file into theater ]

> Newsgroups: sci.space.shuttle

CROW: Well, the group got started twenty years late by the original
timetable and ran thirty-eight billion dollars over the construction
budget, but it's still pretty cool.

> A Moral Argument Against John Glenn Returning to Space

TOM: Can *you* spot the moral of our story? Check the back of the book
to see if you're right!

>
> The following letter was written to me by my friend,

JOEL: And I passed it on to my other friend.

> Jim Persons, regarding
> the attempt by NASA to send John Glenn up into space again.

CROW: They already bought the shuttle ticket and it's nonrefundable,
so they figured, why not?

> The letter
> contains moral arguments which should be considered

TOM: Mmmm...no, they shouldn't.

> by anyone of ethical
> and moral character.

CROW: K and Q are moral characters. C and L, though, are total sluts.

> I am sure that many will oppose his morals,

JOEL: Others just hate him for personal reasons.

> but it is
> his right to express these morals

TOM: So he will be doing a special interpretive dance.

> and try and influence the public policy

CROW: Fail miserably, and go back to drinking.

> and stop NASA from honoring Senator Glenn with a space flight at tax-payer
> expense.

JOEL: And only 35 years after his scheduled flight, too.

>
> Any replies should be directed to: Big...@concentric.net

TOM: Big Jim P, famed rapper and space program moralist.

>
> The letter is as follows:

CROW: "To the editor: Your editorials are clearly biased!"

>
> The subject matter of John Glenn returning to space

TOM: Is moot.

> and his political
> career

TOM: Is also moot, strangely enough.

> seem to be taken by some to be separate matters and others to be
> the same matter.

JOEL: Others take them as completely irrelevant to their day-to-day
lives.

> It depends on how you define same and separate.

CROW: I define them to both be exits on the New Jersey Turnpike.

>
> I was in High School the day man first cleared the gravitational pull of
> the Earth.

JOEL: In the greatest pole vault in history.

> My Senior year in High School, I wrestled - interesting

TOM: No, but thanks for checking.

> only
> that at the semi finals I met for the first time the most awesome
> wrestler I had ever seen -

CROW: And I've seen seven of them!

> beyond exceptional, he was the epitome of High
> School wrestling

JOEL: Because he was Superman.

> and his name was James Buchli.

TOM: He was already going by his stage name, "The Jestering Jamester."

> The same Buchli that
> became an astronaut.

CROW: Namely, Sally Ride.

> My interests were with the greatest adventure ever
> undertaken by man --

JOEL: Nick at Nite's marathon of "Monkees" episodes.

> the exploration of space. Fate, luck, or whatever
> put me at NASA during the times of our eventual conquest of a lunar
> landing.

TOM: Okay, it was me ignoring the restraining order.

> Stationed at Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland at this
> time, I was privileged to meet some people who were more than heroes -
> they were nearly Godlike to us peons.

CROW: From his point of view, that would be the people who work in the
gift shop, part-time.

> John Glenn was one of those I met.
> Heroes?

TOM: Yes, please; I'll take two.

> They are the faces and bodies of a collective will to achieve
> "the impossible".

JOEL: They are people who do not understand their vocabulary words.

> This has now become our heritage and estimating from
> the responses, no one challenges this.

TOM: And they're all goofballs.

>
> John Glenn is also a man.

CROW: At least until his operation is finished.
JOEL: I think that's enough of that.

> There is an observable anomaly with people
> with regards to their heroes - once the hero has done this "heroic"
> thing, they remain immune from justice or criticism.

TOM: Until the press, provoked by something like the discovery of unpaid
parking tickets in the hero's past, turns on them and attacks every
aspect of their lives.

> No better American
> examples can be made than of the recent murders of OJ Simpson's ex-wife
> and subsequent reentry to society unscathed save a financial cost.

JOEL: Yeah, nobody paid attention to his problems.

> Or
> Tyson's continuing brutality - first rape, then chewing off an ear of an
> opponent.

TOM: Those were two of Tyson's less successful chicken recipes.

> "Heroes" aren't subject to the same moral criteria as anyone
> else? Tyson's "punishment" is that he ONLY gets 27 million dollars
> instead of 30 million?

JOEL: That is before taxes, though.

> 27 million dollars to throw a fight and disfigure
> an opponent in a competition that is suppose to be a sport?

CROW: You'd think he was a boxer or something.

> The anomaly
> is that the "good" this person did outweighs the bad he continues to do.

TOM: It has?

> Step from there to a factual discussion of Adolph Hitler's judgment by
> mankind.

CROW: I never before realized how similar Adolph Hitler and Mike Tyson
were.

> Hitler organized a broken country, brought it from economic
> chaos to a country of power, saw to it his people all had jobs

TOM: And gave letters of recomendation when their war crime trials
came up.

> and a
> vision of self worth and temporarily expanded his country's land area -

CROW: Got self esteem problems? Feeling down about yourself? Try annexing
Czechoslovakia! The one sure-sure perk-me-up.

> all these things historically signified that the leader was a great man,
> yet look where it led.

JOEL: Eternal reruns on The History Channel.

> A little tiny country that has already been
> ravaged by the first World War again rises to be a force that came within
> a hair's breath of conquering the world and his judgment is - "maniac" -
> for the systematic execution of 7 million Jews.

TOM: Yeah, they do keep throwing that in Hitler's face. What about his
fine dental hygeine?

> I concur with the
> definition of "maniac",

JOEL: And reality thanks you for checking back in.

> but not just for the Jews because there were
> Poles, Russians, etc. as well.

CROW: Uh--okay.

> I mention Hitler and the Holocaust and
> his judgment for that event to invite comparison.

JOEL: Comparison to...waffle irons? Gerbils? Niobium? What?
TOM: Careful, Joel. He might tell us.

> Each year millions of
> unborn children are systematically executed via abortion. John
> Glenn is pro-abortion. Adolph Hitler was a hero in his
> country prior to his demise - Glenn is a hero in this country.

TOM: Hitler had a secretary named Glenn; Glenn had a secretary...

> Do we
> "love" our heroes so much we would permit anything?

CROW: Only if they get the Deluxe Hero Package.

> The Germans did -
> they thought it was right too.

JOEL: So the Holocaust would not have happened if Gordon Cooper
had been the first US astronaut to orbit the Earth?
CROW: I always said NASA didn't appreciate ol' Gordo.

> If you have missed the point of this
> paragraph,

TOM: So did the author.

> it wasn't to make believe Glenn is a modern day Hitler - I
> would have said so

CROW: Like I just did.

> in as many words if I thought that- it is to
> challenge your position relative to right and wrong, not hero vs. villain.

JOEL: And we'll get to that challenge in a minute, but first, let's
check our pledge boards and then go on to the next segment of
the new Ken Burns documentary, "White Castle."

> Villains can and do great things, heroes can and do vile things

CROW: Like not washing their hands after using the bathroom. Gross!

> - attach
> credence to the deed,

JOEL: Attach Credence To The Deed would be a good name for a band.

> not the man who once did something we admire.

TOM: So let's just all hate Tiger Woods now.

>
> The Constitution of the United States is defined within as being founded
> "under God".

JOEL: In the part of the Constitution Big Jim made up.

> That statement means application of laws of God when in
> opposition to will of man.

CROW: This brings new dimensions to the Commerce Clause.

> Some of us call ourselves "conservatives"

TOM: Others call us "Mister Pouty Pantses."

> with the intended meaning that our founders were correct

CROW: Every single alcoholic, adulterous, slave-owning one of them!

> and we should
> align our behavior

JOEL: So everybody who has ethical crises, face true North and it'll
be cleared up.

> to the laws that have been handed down by a greater
> authority than man.

CROW: Namely, woman!

> That kind of "conservative" has no party ties other
> than

JOEL: To Kenny and Ray's roving Party Van.

> those which best represent what is morally correct. Both parties
> have such links to the morally correct view

CROW: But they're doing their best to cover them up.

> and both have ties to immoral
> values.

JOEL: Like "sampling" the grapes in the supermarket before buying them.

> I voted for Jimmy Carter

TOM: Oh, you're the guy?

> the first time and was disappointed in
> his performance.

CROW: The second time, I brought fresh batteries and we were both
thrilled!
JOEL: Behave.

> Until Clinton became your president (I refuse to accept
> him as my president),

TOM: Danged Canadians!

> Jimmy Carter would have gone down in history as the
> most ineffectual president of our country.

CROW: Because I've never heard of Martin Van Buren, William Harrison,
John Tylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan,
James Garfield, Chester Alan Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison,
William McKinley, Warren G. Harding, Herbert Hoover, Gerald Ford,
or George Bush.

> History would also show he
> was one of the best men who has ever held the office (morally).

JOEL: 'Cause history never found out about his wife-swapping ring.

> Whoever
> supports the role as Clinton as president has also accepted a belief that

CROW: Their lives interact with reality.

> man can do as he chooses without consequence for it. Something he is
> proving by his continued tenure as your president.

TOM: In other news, the other women's basketball league, not the WNBA,
officially asked the media today to at least remember they exist.

> Here is a man with
> whom past business partners are continually being imprisoned for types of
> fraud or other illegal activities,

JOEL: Just like every other President in history.

> whose first bill signed into law was to
> give homosexuals access to the military

CROW: Well, technically, it was declaring July to be National Iced
Cappucino Month; the whole homosexuals thing was in an amendment.

> (God calls homosexuals
> "abominations")

TOM: Nooo; he calls them late at night and hangs up when they answer.

> , whose past employees get killed off (like the Foster
> thing),

JOEL: It is an effective way to cut down on employees printing their
resumes on the good printer, though.

> who makes sexual and lurid remarks to subordinate employees
> (impending lawsuit),

JOEL: From The Frugal Gourmet, strangely enough.

> who is either pro issue or anti issue depending on

TOM: His Magic 8-Ball.

> what the expected response should be, who claims credit for things not of
> his doing

CROW: Yeah, remember when Clinton tried to claim credit for the
discovery of Neptune?

> that are working and passes "blame" for things of his doing
> that are not working to others,

JOEL: Which is different from every other politician in history...how,
exactly?

> who when accused and demanded for
> documents, those same disappear then mysteriously reappear and again
> no one faults him for it.

CROW: Another tragic instance of grammar being used as a deadly weapon.

> A man who can lie right to your face about
> things you know to be different and you will agree with him.

TOM: John W. Campbell?

> Is that a
> reflection of what kind of people we have become?

JOEL: A nation of boogerheads?

> Is that a partisan
> issue or a country issue?

CROW: It's actually a funding referendum issue, on the next board of
education ballot.

> If I were a Democrat,

JOEL: [ Singing, as in start of "Hakuna Matata." ] If I were a Dem-o-crat!

> should I support Clinton
> merely based on the fact that he is one too?

TOM: But enough about me. Does that Kodak "Gold Max" film really respond
well to low light?

>
> If it is bad for the country,

CROW: It's probably fun.

> then supporting someone who upholds the bad
> is a statement of one's own position.

JOEL: Conversely, one can collect expired aspirin tablets in the hopes
of getting a complete set.

> This country was founded "under God"

TOM: And just to the left of Storrs, Connecticut.

> and while it operated "under God" it rose to stand as the most righteous
> government ever to exist.

CROW: Except, of course, for the Department of Agriculture, which has
always been filled by satanists.

> Freedoms for individuals that have never been
> before

TOM: Like the freedom to use scotch tape!
JOEL: Or the freedom to collect string!
CROW: The freedom to have 'WKRP In Cincinaati' on your cable dial!

> - now taken as birthright. Those things come with a price tag --

CROW: Fourteen dollars and ninety-seven cents.

> which is to remain "under God".

JOEL: Wasn't this about the space shuttle at some point?

> For some of us "conservatives",

TOM: It's no longer enough to have just two country music channels.
We want more!

> the
> birthright is to be "under God"

CROW: Or at least to be incredibly self-righteous.

> and the freedoms we enjoy are the price
> tags.

TOM: And the author spins out of control.

> That is what is being undermined by Clinton and Glenn and the rest
> of their cohorts.

CROW: Like the people who invented Glade Plug-In Air Freshentrs.

> If that is partisan,

JOEL: Then let us all party.

> they need to look at their party.

CROW: "Jenga" really stinks after a while.

> Same can be said for Republicans.

TOM: Or we can just spit in their eyes.

> The question is and should always be,
> what is good for the country and while I have just told you what that is,

CROW: The author has an innovative way of defining "question."

> JFK (a Democrat) made a point of reminding us of that in
> his inaugural address.

TOM: Right after his housekeeping tips and before outlining his
method of organizing recipes.

>
> As for defending John Glenn's alleged record -

JOEL: He sang a pretty good "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," but really
blew it on the theme to "The Love Boat."

> if it is accurate, you are
> defending repetitive Holocaust via abortion, the internal decay of moral
> values

TOM: So be sure to use your flouridated moral toothpaste.

> which begets the crime you are seeing from the young,

CROW: This is what happens when a mental CD skips a track.

> you are your
> own worst enemy.

JOEL: And your enemy is your own worst you.

>
> Perhaps I have outlived my time here,

TOM: Or just worn out his welcome.

> for what I want in my country is
> freedom to walk the streets at night

CROW: Wearing my dresses.

> anywhere I choose and not be
> accosted,

JOEL: 'Cause I'm white!

> freedom to raise my children in ethical and moral ways

TOM: Is he going to get to subliminal messages in "Animaniacs"
anytime soon?

> which
> means they would not be taught by homosexuals

CROW: This guy wants a V-chip on life.

> or be taught that
> homosexuality is an "option".

JOEL: Ignoring the past entirety of recorded history indicating it is
one of the available options.

> Neither would they be led to believe that
> abortion is an alternative for their own sexual misconduct.

CROW: Abortion, or sexual misconduct? Well, I know what I'd go with.

> This country
> needs an enema because the [ bleep ]

JOEL: Hey! Watch it, there's young robots here.

> has risen to the top.

TOM: A metaphor that leaves you wanting...to go read something else.

>
> To make John Glenn accountable for his alignment

CROW: Oh, sheesh, now he's going on about Dungeons and Dragons.
JOEL: Yeah, that paranoia is so early-80s.

> to these negative values
> is

TOM: Real negative.

> public service because I think John Glenn is a better man than he is now

CROW: So my entire talk is pointless.

> showing us he is. See what he does about it.

JOEL: Or do something interesting instead.

> In the mean time, keep John
> Glenn earthbound,
>

CROW: And the letter just sort of dribbles off.

> Please address all responses to Big...@concentric.net

JOEL: And we'll leave the light on for you.
TOM: Well; that was unpleasant.
JOEL: Yeah; let's blow this popsicle stand.
CROW: Right.

[ ALL file out of theater ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL. CROW and TOM SERVO are sitting in big overstuffed chairs in
front of the table, wearing robes and chatting. ]

CROW: [ Pretentious voice ] But what you ignore is the many examples
of such stories foreshadowed in "Legend of Zelda" fanfics...
TOM: [ Similar voice ] Phooey! Phooey! What of "Q*Bert" fanfics?
What of the legendary "Pac-Land: The Further Adventures" compiled
by Marshak and Culbreth? What about them?
CROW: What *about* them? There's clearly no insight to be gained by
such a meandering diversion.

[ JOEL jogs in, with a towel wrapped around his neck, shadow-boxing
every few steps. GYPSY is 'running' alongside him, wearing a
sign marked 'COACH' ]

JOEL: Hey, guys. What're you doing?
CROW: [ Back to normal voice ] Oh, heya, Joel. We're bracing for the
Sonic fanfic. You?
JOEL: [ Some more punches ] Doing the same. Trying to psych myself
up for it.
GYPSY: So we're taking a break now?
JOEL: Well, we're up for a little one, Gypsy. You guys don't look
very prepared for this.
TOM: We're trying a different approach.
CROW: Yeah. We're trying to figure out why people are obsessing on
"Sonic the Hedgehog," in the hopes that understanding why
people keep returning to this particular continuity helps us
better cope with what they write.
JOEL: Oh. Gosh, I figured it was just that by projecting themselves
into a world ravaged by chaos and confusion, and then being able
to resolve any of the problems seen therein, they reaffirm their
own ability to face personal lives ravaged by the chaos and
confusion of modern society and then make those sensible and
reconcilable to their own desires and ambitions.

[ A beat ]

TOM: [ Angrily ] Thanks for wrecking our fun, Joel.
CROW: Yeah, nice going. Does Doctor Will Miller know you're stealing
his schtick?
JOEL: I'm sorry!
CROW: You're sorry. What are *we* supposed to do now?
TOM: Go on! Get out of here. Leave us to our misery.
JOEL: Guys, I was just trying to help.
GYPSY: We have to get back to the sprints and jumping rope, Joel.
JOEL: All right, okay...talk to you later, guys.

[ JOEL wanders off, stage left. GYPSY follows. ]

CROW: Yeah, yeah.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Get out the Atari 2600. I found our "Dig Dug" cartridge.
CROW: Cool.

[ BREAK ]

===========