MSTied: Requirements for National Alliance

[jdu...@alltel.net]

MISTIED: Requirements for Membership in the National Alliance.
by Mike Duncan

This is my very first Msting. I have decided to go with the Dr.
Forrester/TV's Frank premise. Since
my cable company refuses to pick up the Sci-Fi Channel, I have only seen a few
episodes of season
8. Another reason is that I prefer this format to the new one. The whole
Planet of the Apes thing
doesn't work for me. This is a Msting of a very short post by John Oden. Be
Warned!! This guy
almost makes Robert McElwaine look like Ghandi.

(Opening theme song. You should know the words by now)

(Scene opens on SOL Bridge. Mike, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy are all huddled
around the
computer.)

MIKE: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and
these are my robot
pals, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy. While waiting for the Mads to call, we
sometimes dwindle
away our time surfing the net. Right now we're searching the Internet Movie
Database for movies the
Mads have sent us in the past.
CROW: Hey Tom, you know that there are people out there in the world who
actually enjoy Joe
Don Baker's acting.
TOM: (gasps) You're lying!!!
MIKE: Well, P.T. Barnum once said there's a sucker born every minute.
CROW&TOM: So.
MIKE: Don't you think they need entertainment?
CROW&TOM: Oh.
MIKE: It's about time to log off anyway. The Mads are thinking about charging
by the second.
TOM: Oh come on, Mike. Just one more.
MIKE: We've already looked through the whole Gamera collection and suffered
the TORCHA! of
Teenagers from Outer Space.
CROW: Wait, I've got one.

(Crow "beaks" away at the keyboard. Mike and Tom look at the screen and scream
in horror.)

TOM&MIKE: MANOS!!!!!
CROW: How bad can it be guys?
MIKE: It says here that Manos is a cult film.
TOM: Yeah, you have to be brainwashed in order to enjoy it.

(Tom glances at the screen again and gasps)

MIKE: What is it, Tom.
TOM: According to the IMDb, John Reynolds, who played Torgo, committed suicide
the same year
Manos was released.

(An awkward moment of silence follows)

CROW: Well, at least we can rule out a sequel.
MIKE: CROW!!!
GYPSY: Shame on you.
TOM: He does have a point, you know.

(The Mads light flashes)

MIKE: You two disgust me. Siskel and Ebert are calling.

(DEEP 13)

(Dr. Forrester and Frank are actually dressed up as Siskel and Ebert.
Forrester has his hair combed
back, revealing a receding hairline. TV's Frank is wearing dark rimmed
glasses and a woolly
sweater.)

DR.F: Bon jour, dolt heads. We're dressed as your two favorite moviegoers in
order to show our
new invention.

(Frank gives Forrester a handheld electronic device.)

DR.F: Don't you hate it when someone brings up a conversation about a great
movie they've seen
and you have no idea what they are talking about. The Verbose Critic will give
an intelligent review
of practically any movie. This way you won't have to be clueless as Frank ever
again.
FRANK: Yeah. Hey!!
DR.F: Just enter any film, Starship Troopers for example, and voila! (presses
enter)
CRITIC: WOOHOO!! (Blur song begins)
DR.F: Oh no. I hate that song. This was working fine earlier.
FRANK: Um, Steve.
DR.F: (agitated) What is it now, Frank?
FRANK: I think it messed up right after I typed in Showgirls.
DR.F: (explodes) You idiot!! You've overloaded the circuits. I am about to
stick my thumb up
somewhere you will never ever forget. Well, what do you think.

(SOL)

TOM&MIKE: (Ok hand gesture) It Stinks!
CROW: Dr. Forrester's thumb?
MIKE: I'm gonna weld your mouth shut.

(D13)

DR.F: Ju$t for that comment, I'm am going to $end you a kook po$t found in
alt. activi$m by John
Oden. I am $ure it will conjure up a few unwanted memorie$, if you catch my
drift.

(SOL)
ALL: We've got KOOK siiiign!!!.

(6,5,4,3,2,1)
MIKE: What did Dr. F mean by all those $$$$$?
TOM: Oh, no, it couldn't be.
CROW: Don't worry. McEllwaine's banished forever.

Subject: REQUIREMENTS FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE NATIONAL ALLIANCE

CROW: Then again, maybe not.

From: john...@hotmail.com14 (John Oden)

MIKE: I knew it! This post is obviously stolen.

Date: 1998/01/31
Message-ID: 34d25a4d...@netnews.voicenet.com>
Newsgroups: soc.culture.usa,alt.activism,soc.culture.african.american

TOM: soc.culture.african.american? Isn't that a little bit off topic, John?

REQUIREMENTS FOR MEMBERSHIP

MIKE: No brain activity.
TOM: An ability to idolize a man with a bad mustache.
CROW: A limp in one leg.
TOM: (as Herr Flick from Allo Allo) The Gestapo will not take your petty
little insults.

Eligibility: Any White person

MIKE: Betty White?
CROW: Slappy White?

(a non-Jewish person of wholly European
ancestry) of good character and at least 18 years of age who accepts
as his own the goals of the National Alliance and who is willing to

TOM: stand on his head

support the program described herein may apply for membership.

Ineligible persons: No homosexual or bisexual person,

CROW: just asexual ,please
no person
activcly addicted to alcohol or to an illegal drug, no person with a
non-White spouse or a non-White dependent,

MIKE: THIS MEANS YOU, MR. DRUMMOND.
TOM: Whatch'ou talkin about, Oden.

and, except in
extraordinary circumstances, no person currently confined in a penal

CROW: Heh, Heh, he sai-
MIKE: Shut up, Crow.

institution may be a member. (The National Alliance does not advocate
any illegal activity and expects its members to conduct themselves
accordingly.)

TOM: Only things illegal after the Civil War are considered to be wrong.

Application procedure: Any eligible person who wishes to become a
member of the National Alliance should

MIKE: read Last Exit

fill in completely the
application and mail it,

CROW: How else would you fill out an application?

along with the $15 application fee and his
First month's dues, to the address on the form. A new member will
receive a membership pin,

TOM: which says Kiss Me I'm Fascist

a Membership Handbook, and monthly issues of
the National Alliance's internal membership newsletter. Members also
are sent complimentary issues of

MIKE: Good Housekeeping

National Vanguard magazine and other
publications when they are published. (Dues payments are voluntaTy
donations in support of the National Alliance's work. They are not
payments for goods or services rendered to the member.)

CROW: How can the dues be voluntary when you need to pay them to become a
member?
TOM: $$$$$$$$I DON'T KNOW$$$$$$$$$$$
MIKE: WHAT!!

Anonymity: The anonymity of members is protected scrupulously; as a
general policy, no member's name will be publicized or revealed to any
other person without the member's explicit consent. Beyond this, a
membership applicant who is concerned that his or her welfare,

TOM: $$$$$$$END WELFARE NOW$$$$$$$$

(Crow and Mike look at Tom)

security, or effectiveness as a member might be jeopardized if there
were any possibility at all that his or her membership in the National
Alliance were revealed may, if he wishes, hold membership under a nom
de guerre.

CROW: Ben Dover.
MIKE: Al Cholic
CROW: Hugh G. Rection
MIKE: CROW!
TOM: $$$$$$$$$LIBERAL JEW$$$$$$$$$
CROW: My God ! What is wrong with you?

Such an applicant should use his nom de guerre on his application form and on
all his
correspondence about National Alliance matters. His membership card will be
issued with that name
on it, and

MIKE: He'll get a 10% discount from White Castle.
CROW: Very funny, Mike.
TOM: $$$$$$$RIGHT NOW JEW$ ARE POI$ONING OUR FOOD $UPPLY$$$$$$
(Mike smacks Tom)
he will receive all his mailings from the National Alliance addressed
to that name. No records with his true name will be retained. It will
be the responsibility of the applicant to ensure that mail addressed
to his nom de guerre will be delivered to him by the postal service

CROW: Even if you have to hijack a postal truck

and to take all other measures required to protect his anonymity, such
as paying his dues with cash or money orders instead of personal
checks. The National Alliance does not recommend that an applicant use

MIKE: Baking soda for a dessert topping.
TOM:$$$$$$$$JEW$ ARE TURNING THIS COUNTRY INTO A DE$ERT$$$$$$$$
MIKE: I think I figured out what his problem is. PMTS.
CROW: PTMS?
MIKE: Post McEllwaine Talking Syndrome

a nom de guerre without a sound reason for doing so. It will not look
favorably on any applicant who selects a frivolous nom de guerre.

MIKE: Ze will be shot.

I would like to leave you with the words of the great aviator and patriot
Charles Lindbergh:

CROW: Hey, where's my kid?
MIKE: THAT'S IT YOU SADIST!! (knocks Crow to the floor)

"It is our turn to guard our heritage from Mongol and Persian and Moor,
before we become
engulfed in a limitless foreign sea....
All foreign races stir restlessly. It is time to turn from our quarrels and
build our White ramparts again."

TOM: $$$$$$$$$RIGHT ON AVIATOR$$$$$$$$$

(Mike leaves theater, dragging Crow along in one hand, and holding Tom, who is
practicing hand
salutes, in the other.)

(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,)

(Back to SOL, Mike is skimming the E-Z Bot Repair Manual while Tom Servo
continues to rant.)
TOM: $$$$$$$$$DON'T YOU $EE, RU$H LIMBAUGH I$ A RADIO $AVIOR$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: But if the Jews are the ones who control the media, aren't they also the
ones who hired
Rush in the first place.
TOM:$$$$$$$$YOU ARE $KIRTING THE QUE$TION, LIBERAL. THE JEW$ ARE NOW
INFILTRATING TECHNOLOGY WITH THEIR LIBERAL ROBOT$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: (desperately) Isn't there anything you can do, Mike.
MIKE: I'm sorry, Crow, but I don't see anything about mind control in here.
Wait a minute, I have an idea.

(Mike leaves and comes back with a copy of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley)

MIKE: Maybe, reading something enlightening will change him back.
CROW: It may be our only shot.
MIKE: Hello, Tom.
TOM: $$$$$$$$$GREETING$ MY ARYAN FELLOW$$$$$$$$$$
MIKE: Um, yeah, there's a book I want you to read.
TOM: $$$$$$$$$THE JEW$ DIRTY HAND$ ARE ALL OVER THE PRINTING
INDU$TRY$$$$$$
MIKE: Could you read it anyway, er, my Aryan brother?

(Tom starts to read. After a few pages, he returns to normal.)

TOM: Hey everybody, why aren't we in the theater?
CROW: The post is over, Tom.
TOM: How odd. We were in the middle of reading the post when I blacked out.
MIKE: You turned into Robert McEllwaine.
TOM: OH NO!!! I sure hope I didn't offend anyone.
MIKE: You sure did! I have family who are Jewish.
CROW: Me too!
MIKE: You don't have any family.
CROW: Thanks for reminding me, Nelson.
MIKE: Sorry. (to Mads)What do you think, sirs?

(DEEP 13)
(Dr. Forrester is chasing Frank around the room.)

DR.F: Ah, Nelson, I would love to sit and chat, but Frank awaits. (Snaps
rubber glove over hand
and points thumb outward.) Time to bend over, Frank.
FRANK: GULP!

(Closing Credits)
FRANK: AIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!!!!

( All MST3K references are the property of Best Brains Inc. All other
references are the property of
whoever owns them. All of John Oden's words
are the property of John Oden and the little men who live inside his head.)

Well, there you have it, my very first msting. For Tom Servo, I decided to use
$$$$$$$$ as a
parentheses because not everything he said in McEllwaine mode contained an s.
Please let me know
what you think. Either post to
alt.tv.mst3k or E-mail me at jdu...@alltel.net

-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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[Mike Duncan]

[WoemCats]

>Another reason is that I prefer this format to the new one. The whole
>Planet of the Apes thing
>doesn't work for me.

The planet of the apes ended in episode 4 or 5, so you might want to try to get
some newer eps to see if you like it anymore...

<woem...@aol.com>
"Do you have as much... uh uh uh uh...MRxL as us? I don't think so!"- Servo
"Bite me, I'm a Toaster Strudel! But caution, my filling might be hot!"-
Strudel Servo
Appleberry staff writer (Come see the new site!)

[Charles Thomas]

> >Another reason is that I prefer this format to the new one. The whole
> >Planet of the Apes thing
> >doesn't work for me.

I love people like this. They crack me up.

I love going into people's web sites who are living this fantasy that it's
still Joel on the SOL and Dr. F and TV's Frank down in Deep 13.

Denial is a wonderful thing, I guess, for those who can't handle change.

Charles "Any MST is good MST" Thomas
D-18226

[Brad Dancer]

Charles Thomas wrote in message <34DF28B2...@facstaff.wiscDOTedu>...

>> >Another reason is that I prefer this format to the new one. The whole
>> >Planet of the Apes thing
>> >doesn't work for me.
>

>I love people like this. They crack me up.
>
>I love going into people's web sites who are living this fantasy that it's
>still Joel on the SOL and Dr. F and TV's Frank down in Deep 13.
>
>Denial is a wonderful thing, I guess, for those who can't handle change.

I can handle change and I'm not in denial, but that doesn't mean I have to
like the Planet of the Apes thing. I agree with the original post. IMHO,
the scenes outside the theatre are pretty weak. I enjoy Mike and the 'bots,
but the rest of it just sucks. Normally, I pay no attention to these
segments (note, although I do watch almost every Saturday, I am not a fan to
the point where I will tape every episode). and only watch the theatre
scenes. Joel was much stronger outside the theatre and the writing was much
better.

Between the brains, the apes its all I can do not do turn the channel.

Brad

[Charles Thomas]

Brad Dancer wrote:

>I am not a fan to the point where I will tape every episode).
>and only watch the theatre scenes.

> Between the brains, the apes its all I can do not do turn the channel.

So in other words, you don't really WATCH or PAY ATTENTION to the host
segments, but you don't like them, and feel qualified to espouse the opinion
that they're not as good as "Joel's" segments used to be.

To each their own, I guess. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I
certainly wouldn't deny you yours.

However, I stand by my original comment.

People like this crack me up.

Charles Thomas
D-18226

[Sec chdhd]

I love the old show.
I love the current show.
It's one big"soap opera" storyline to me.
Some are more popular than others.
Some shows are "better" than others.
And I have seen a lot of them.
jeff MSTie 1047
WE GOT TO HAVE THE WAR, I'VE ALREADY PAID A MONTH'S RENT ON THE
BATTLEFIELD. Rufus T. Firefly
secc...@aol.com

[WoemCats]

>I can handle change and I'm not in denial, but that doesn't mean I have to
>like the Planet of the Apes thing.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? THERE IS NO PLANET OF THE APES THING! THEY LEFT
THE PLANET IN THE FIFTH EPISODE! THAT MEANS !& PLANET OF THE APE FREE
EPISODES! ARRGH!!!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Brad Dancer wrote:

> I agree with the original post. IMHO, the scenes outside the theatre are pretty weak.

several words:

space mutiny

parts: the clonus horror (IF it was the pod-people takeoff, it was
either this or giant spider invasion)

invasion of the neptune men

thank youuuuu...

(rufus is RIGHT again!)

[Rufus T. Firefly]

hehehhe.... the late, great groucho marx... bay he rest in piece...

FIREFLY: so where IS your husband anyway
DUMMONT: why... he's dead
FIREFLY: i'll bet he's just using that as an excuse

(and, yes, i CAN quote the ENTIRE movie from heart.... promise.)

[Be Happy52]

>I can handle change and I'm not in denial, but that doesn't mean I have to

>like the Planet of the Apes thing. I agree with the original post. IMHO,
>the scenes outside the theatre are pretty weak. I enjoy Mike and the 'bots,
>but the rest of it just sucks. Normally, I pay no attention to these

>segments (note, although I do watch almost every Saturday, I am not a fan to

>the point where I will tape every episode). and only watch the theatre

>scenes. Joel was much stronger outside the theatre and the writing was much
>better.

I think the host segments have gotten so much stronger. Also remeber, Mike was
the head writer for most of Joel's run and for his, so the same people are
writing . The host segments have grown beyond the movie. My favorite this
season so far= Agent for H.A.R.M

Beth
Beha...@Aol.com