Misting:Karen McCoy-A Letter (4/6)

[Cory Mccasland]

>>
Plus reports
>> like
>>these are vaguely fictional,

Servo: Like "The True Confession of O.J. Simpson".

>> like those "World's Greatest Car
Crashes"

Crow: And "When Dickweeds Spawn".
Doctor: And "When Horton hears a Who".

>>specials you see on FOX.

Servo: Instead of Rewind.

>> The car crashes did happen, and
they were
>>videotaped, but

Crow: There was no monster.

>> now they're got an announcer narrating them in
a certain
>>way with a low, urgent voice

Servo: With plenty of lip and tongue action.

>> designed to make you see the
crashes in a
>>certain way...

Doctor (typical viewer): You know, without the announcer, I wouldn't have

been able to realise that this was tragic!

>> a little like this scenario.

Servo: I'd rather have the Spice Girl's singing the phone book
than listen to her any more!

>>But why are web terrorist's telephone records and e-mail records
>>mysteriously missing from this public announcement to "Decide for
>>Yourself?"

Crow: I don't know. Ask Mulder.

>> Could those telephone records contain something?

Servo: The number's that will blow open the Democrat Coffee tapes
scandal.

>>Better yet, why doesn't web terrorist sue me if I've done so much to
>>them?

Doctor: Because much like us, she just want's you to go away!

>> Why not just bring a lawsuit against me so

Crow: I can hire my equilvent of the Dream team.
Servo: Yeah, Michael Keaton, Peter Boyle, and Christopher Lloyd.

>>
the BellSouth
>> telephone
>>records of their conversations with me, Joe Sawin and everyone else at

Doctor: Bellvue Sanitarium.

>>Area 9, Oz Magazine,

Crow: I got it! McCoy is really the Wicked Witch of the West, and Web
Terrorist is Glenda the Good Witch!

>> etc.,

Servo: Etcetah, etcetah...

>> will be readable by everyone,

Doctor: Unless it's in Bible code.

>>
just like
>>"Decide for Yourself?" I'm sure all those obscenities will be brushed
>>over by a sympathetic jury.

Servo: Hey, OJ and that nanny got off.

>> I'm sure that fans won't notice
how my
>>intelligent and calm questions

(all snicker)

>> like "who are you" and "why
are you
>> doing
>>this"

Crow: And "Will you please put in a good word for me with Paul Cornell?"

>> are swept aside by web terrorist's breathy demands

Servo (husky Barry white voice): Oh yeah baby...

>>
that I
>> "get off
>>the bullshit wagon"

Doctor: Where are the italics now?

>> and "go to hell." Right?

Crow: Wrong.

>>Web terrorist informed Detective Price on telephone

Servo: No! I thought it was on the toilet?

>>
(there is an
>>audiotape of this exchange,

Servo: Free with every purchase of "Who is Tom Baker?"

>> but I'm sure Price will destroy
it to
>>protect web terrorist, whom he likes...

Doctor: A few more paragraphs and she'll be saying she's 100%
not guilty.

>> or liked, at
least, until his
>>misjudgment of the individual landed him in trouble with Internal
>>Affairs and his superior)

Crow: (starts sputtering with laughter): Someone should *really* cut
down
on the soaps!

>> that Karen McCoy was trying to "get
her back"

Doctor: And not her front.

>>as "retaliation" because Karen was mad Karen "got caught."

Servo: Stealing.

>>
Web
>> terrorist
>>actually used this phrase again and again on the recording,

Doctor: Much like how you use "web terrorist".

>>

>> which I have
>>heard and am privy to.

Crow (Bababooey): I'm not privy to that, bothe.

>> What I "got caught" at, I'm not sure,

Servo: Does claiming to be returning a certain sci-fi show ring a bell,
Karen?

>>
because
>>several people have seen the artwork and the teleplays and the proposal,

Crow: And laughed till they collapsed from asphyxiation.

>>and they know that I appear to have been telling the truth

Servo: Emphasis on appear.

>>
the entire
>>time, excepting Area 9's involvement in things, which I though I saw,

Doctor: She forgot the "t".
Crow: You've never read a Ratliff story, have you?

>>but soon realized was not there.

Servo: Much like your mind.

>>And either way this turns out, they will not be part of the magic that

>>may or may not become this animated series.

Doctor: For some reason, I keep getting the mental picture of her sitting
at a
computer, typing up her latest script, and silently crying at her
brilliance.

>>
The story has moved
>> past
>>them now.

Crow: Oooh, how deep.

>>I telephoned web terrorist's employers for two reasons:

Servo: I needed the numbers for 911 and 411.

>>1) I do not personally know web terrorist,

Doctor: But I'm sure you're good friends with the Trix Rabbit, Napoleon,
and Zaphod Bebblebrox.

>> and web
terrorist furnished
>>web terrorist's employer's

Crow: Apartment with a frightening velvet painting of Elvis.

>> name in e-mails to Gary Powell of
Oz
>>Magazine,

Servo: Edited by the Cowardly Lion and proofread by the Scarecrow.

>> who gave copies of web terrorist's e-mails to him to
me,

Crow (McCoy): As well as a get well soon card, though I don't know why.

>>

>> as
>>soon as he found out he'd been had by web terrorist,

Doctor: When she asked if there was a Seymore Butts there is
when he caught on.

>>
which was
>> pretty
>>quick.

Crow: Too bad McNimbus doesn't have that skill.

>> Web terrorist made web terrorist's phone calls to me,

Doctor: Well, who else is she make the phone calls from? Mr. X?
Servo: My dome is in serious danger of overloading from trying
to figure that sentence out.

>>

>> to my
>>employer and to producers in the Atlanta area from web terrorist's
>> place
>>of employment.

Crow: Is it me, or is she repeating herself?
Servo: We've been in here so long, I could read a letter from
George Lucas and think it was from her!

>> So this was the fastest way to reach and
possibly
>> stop
>>web terrorist.

Crow: Why didn't she use Western Union?

>> And--

Doctor: Some body really needs to take their Ritalin more often.

>>2) Web terrorist telephoned MY employers.

Servo: No! I thought she phoned the Chinese!

>> Web
terrorist was
>> actually on
>>the line with Joe Sawin at Area 9

Doctor: You don't say? The fiend!

>> when I telephoned web
terrorist's
>>extension where web terrorist worked, and asked web terrorist what web

>>terrorist was doing.

Crow: To which she replied, "None of your business, McDork!"

>> The amazing thing is,

Servo: That it took half a year for NBC to cancel Union Square.

>> when I
confronted web
>>terrorist, the first thing out of web terrorist's mouth was

Servo: Ooombchickawalkcinchawomseepow!

>>
"How dare
>> you call

Crow: Pip and Jan Baker talented!

>> me at work. How dare you."

Doctor: Sounds like she said it pretty flatly.

>> Interesting,
considering
>> that web
>>terrorist was saying this while on hold with Joe Sawin.

Crow: You know, she does have a point...
Servo (shocked): You don't mean you're starting to take her seriously?!
Doctor: Sounds like someone's been in the theatre too long.

>>What do I intend to accomplish with this letter?

Servo (McCoy): Turn it into a mail-bomb and avenge my sweet Kascinski!

>>
Nothing really.

Doctor: In other words, what you've accomplished so far.

>>

>> I have
>>nothing to hide,

Crow: Except for that time I spent with the Heaven's Gate cult.

>> and I'm not coming out

Servo: Of the closet.
Crow: If she did, that would send Ellen screaming back into it.

>> trying to be
something
>> I'm not,

Doctor: Which is talented.

>>or trying to take anything from the fans,

Servo: Except their dignity and hope.

>> or lie to
them,

Crow (soothingly): I'm going to make it all go away. Trekkies, the latest

ret-con by John Peel, everything.

>>
or hurt them.
>>All I am is a fan with some industry contacts

Doctor: I doubt Jimmy "J.J." Walker could accomplish much for you.

>> who,
like it or not,

Servo: Not.

>>
truly
>>wants to bring Doctor Who back to the air.

Crow: Instead of the sea or the earth.

>> And I
have done some things
>>in that direction,

Doctor: Like writing a remake of my last regeneration so I get killed
by rampaging Hanson fans.

>> whether web terrorist is proud of that or not.
I
>>don't want fame, fortune, glory or fan adulation.

Crow (McCoy: Eclairs, cordial cherries, and Antonio Banderas on the
other hand...

>> I
want only two
>>things.

Doctor: Larry and Balki.

>> I want to give you guys back your show and I want web
terrorist
>>to leave me alone.

Crow (Michael Jackson): Just leave me alone...

>>It's all true what web terrorist says! I'm a liar, I'm a fraud, I'm a
>>bitch

Servo: I'm a sinner, I'm a saint...

>> and a shrew,

Crow: With a badly matted rug for fur and oversized novelty teeth.

>> I'm a psycho who's obsessed with

Doctor: Judd Nelson's kneecaps.

>>

>> a lone fan in a town

Servo: That dreaded sundown.

>>1500 miles from me, I called them first instead of them calling me
first
>>(that one's REEEEEALY true),

Doctor: We'll take your word for it.

>> I've lied to the law

Crow: And the law won.

>>
in two states, I've
>>stalked web terrorist,

Servo: Using an eggbeater and a View Master.

>> I've showered web terrorist in phone
calls

Doctor: And talcum powder.

>>
to
>>where web terrorist works,

Crow: The National Assosciation of Web Terrorists.

>> I've assassinated John Lennon,
I've raped the
>>Sabenes and I have AIDS, I must admit.

(silence)
Servo: Was that supposed to be humorous?
Crow: I take back what I said earlier.

>> All of
these things are
>>absolutely true! So believe them!

Doctor: Or not!

>>I've also...

Crow: Danced with devil in the pale moonlight!

>>Committed Internet Fraud against Area 9 and

Servo: Every fan on the net.

>>
Galen Chandler.
>>Misrepresented Area 9 and pretended they were like, really, really
>>involved in Doctor Who,

Crow (valley girl voice) Like, they are *so* involved with Doctor Who!
Oh my gawd!

>> a situation I completely made up

Servo: No doubt like your entire resume.

>>

>> and created out
>>of my own mind,

Doctor: Thus showing your distinct lack of imagination.

>> and lied saying people who had ABSOLUTELY
>>NO INVOLVEMENT INTEREST IN DOING DOCTOR WHO actually had.
>> I misused
>>Jason Bell's

Crow: Manhood. (no one objects) Mike should be absent more. I'm
getting away with murder!

>> and Area 9's Mindspring

Servo: The latest New Adventure from Virgin! Please keep reading them,
even if we don't have the Doctor anymore!

>> accounts without their knowledge
and without
>>their say-so for an amazing four or five weeks,

Doctor: Proving that any company that hires her as a consultant deserves
what they get.

>>
without it being known,

Servo: Hey, who keeps sending these "Ticklish man wanted" spams
from our account?

>>without it being seen and without their okay. I deliberately lied to
the
>>fans for several weeks about

Crow: Bill Gates being the new Doctor.

>> absolutely everything
regarding the Doctor
>>Who Animated Series,

Doctor: So she admits it!
Servo: I think she's using hyperbole. Rather badly overdone hyperbole,
too.

>> and I was merely a little freelance
writer

Crow: There are no little freelance writers, just little freelance
stories.

>>mysteriously working on premises,

Servo: Walking through the halls and muttering to myself.
Crow: Carrying loaded weapons to work, scaring the clients with my
imitation of Elmyra Duff.

>> every day, usually
from nine to five.

Doctor: Not counting the hour you took off to stalk Fran Drescher.

>>Gee, most freelance writers work out of their homes

Servo: Hunched over a computer, leering at pictures of Baby Spice and
never getting any work done.

>>
and are called in
>>for

Crow: A browbeating from their editor for spelling all right "alright".

>> assignments which they take and then leave the office to do them...

Servo: Should you or any of your IM team talk to Karen McCoy, the
fandom will disavow any knowledge of you or your actions.

>>but I was a freelance writer mysteriously

Doctor: Running around Los Angelas with a sandwich board
advertising Howard Stern.

>> working
nine to five...

Servo (singing): Working nine to five, just trying to slander
web terrorist!

>>

>> How
>>interesting!

Crow: Veeery intresting, but stupid!

>> I'm such a busy little beaver...

Crow (sputtering with laughter): Oh, God, it's too easy! I can't!

>>I even faked Jason Bell's and John Lotshaw's

Servo: Lot of Shaw there.

>>
signatures on documents

Doctor: And got away with it by breaking my writing hand afterwards.

>>from them to Terry Jarvis

Crow: Jarvis, fetch my slippers and that letter from McDoodoodooloo!

>> at Real Deal Pictures in London
regarding a
>>new version of Doctor Who.

Servo: All new! Doctor Who 4.0! You can use the discs for your
cyber-goth dresses!

>> I'm an excellent forger

Crow (Rain Man): Definitly an excellent forger. I'm not wearing any
underwear.

>>
as well as a felon.
>>I'm a hooker and a crack addict

Doctor: Must be a character on Days of Our Lives.
Crow: Or Crackhead Bob's long lost daughter.

>> and I'm out to defame

Servo (singing): Defame, Defame! I want to rant forever!

>>
this one web
>>terrorist who is innocent and how dare I attempt to do the series!

Doctor: Yes, how dare you!

>>Why, web terrorist ought to be the one doing it, shouldn't they?

Crow: I'd let Janet Reno do it rather than McQuackers.

>>In closing,

Crow: Which means there's probably thirty more paragraphs.
Servo: Let's go.

(all exit theatre)