MiSTing; All Hell Breaking Loose [2/2]
cek...@pomona.edu
Chris Ekman (script)
[No Ken Applebaum this time- I couldn't get it prepared in time to send to him
for approval.]
Yes, yes, it's us again. You needn't grimace that way. I don't know that
anyone will see this, seeing as the school year is ending, but hell, it's done.
Maybe I'll repost it in September- then I can get Ken's input as well. Anyhow,
enjoy.
We'd love to hear any comments or suggestions. I'll be at
cek...@pomona.edu until Sunday, at which point I'll switch to
76452...@compuserve.com for the summer. Ken will be at
appl...@stu.beloit.edu until about the same time, and then he'll change to
lmu...@umd5.umd.edu. I'm sure you're all just fascinated.
-----------------8<----------------CUT HERE----------------8<------------------
[Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000 Hour set. Jack Perkins is standing stock still.
The lights go up.]
JACK: Hello there! Today we get to find out what happened to Tom and Crow.
Ooh, I hope they're all right, don't you? Otherwise the show will be
over! And that means I'll have to go back to working at my father's
hardware store... [starts to quiver, then snaps out of it.]
I shouldn't worry, though. Tom and Crow are the type of people- excuse
me, robots, heh heh- who never say die. They're a real inspiration to us
all. Now, let's watch!
[Satellite of Love bridge. Crow and Gypsy are seated in two chairs on the far
right. Crow is wearing an oversized Flintstones bandaid on the puncture hole
in his chest. On the far right, Mike stands, wearing glasses.]
CROW: I *said* I was sorry.
GYPSY: I'm not talking to you!
MIKE: [Jerry Springer] And we're back! Thanks for tuning in, everyone.
Today's topic is, "When Love Turns Lethal". Since we couldn't get the
Buttafuocos up here, our guests are Tom Servo and Gypsy. Now Crow, you
say you're in love with Gypsy.
CROW: Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure, yeah. It's hard to tell.
MIKE: [Jerry, throughout] Hard to tell? Don't you know?
CROW: Hey, I'm a robot. I can't be sure. I mean, I'm just not used to this.
MIKE: Okay, what do you love *about* Gypsy?
CROW: Well, she... I mean, she... the way that... I don't know, she just...
MIKE: So you can't even tell us why you're attracted to her.
CROW: It's not like I have a lot of options, okay?
GYPSY: So that means *I* have to suffer?
CROW: HEY! What's wrong with *me*?
GYPSY: I've wondered the same thing myself. You're no Richard Basehart, that's
for sure. He *never* would have attacked *his* best friend.
MIKE: Right, right, let's get into that for a moment. I understand that you
attacked your best friend of six years, Tom Servo, with a Ginsu knife?
CROW: Damn straight! He was moving in on my girl!
GYPSY: He just wanted to make me dinner! And what do you mean, "your girl"?
CROW: Oh, don't be *naive*, Gypsy! He wasn't just being considerate! Believe
me, if you only knew the sick, evil thoughts that Tom has... *I'm* just
surprised he's managed to keep it inside for so long!
GYPSY: I'm going to my room, and I'm staying there until one of you comes to
your senses! [rushes off]
CROW: Hmph. Dames.
MIKE: Why don't we take some questions from the audience now. Yes, ma'am?
MAGIC VOICE: Yes, this is for Crow T. Robot. Why did you act like such a jerk?
CROW: Hey! I did *not* act like a jerk!
MIKE: Cutting your best buddy in half? Sounds pretty jerk-like to me... let's
take another question.
M.V.: Yeah, the gold one on the left? What makes you think any woman would
even be interested in you?
CROW: Now hold on!!
MIKE: No personal attacks, please- yes, miss.
M.V.: Crow, when are you going to grow up?
CROW: Can't you ask someone else a question?
MIKE: We haven't *got* anyone else.
CROW: But she takes Gypsy's side on everything! It's not faaaiiir!
M.V.: Us women have to stick together, you know. Especially when confronted
with these kinds of attitudes. But if you want someone else, what about
Servo?
CROW: I do *not* want to talk to Servo.
MIKE: Actually, Crow, that brings us to our surprise mystery guest. Yes, here
he is, the 'bot you wronged... Tom-
[Tom comes rushing in from the left, held together by duct tape, with a spear
taped to the top of his head.]
TOM: Ha ha! Revenge is mine! Good thing Joel saved that Aboriginal spear!
CROW: Lucky I kept my Chinese Throwing Stars!
[Tom pecks at Crow for a while with the spear, and Crow flings a few stars at
Tom, which bounce off.]
TOM: ...This isn't working.
MIKE: Guys, of course it's not working. You're robots. You're made of metal.
Only the Ginsu and the harpoon gun were powerful enough to do any damage.
CROW: I can't believe you threw them in the disposal chute.
TOM: Do you know how long it took me to find that harpoon gun?
MIKE: Since you can't really hurt each other anymore, don't you think you might
as well kiss and make up?
CROW: Oh, okay. Tom, I'm sorry for slicing you in half.
TOM: I forgive you, Tom. I've come to a realization since then;
CROW: Which is?
TOM: Gypsy's too silly to be attractive anyway.
CROW: Good point.
MIKE: And now for my Final Thought.
[lights dim (where applicable).]
CROW: What the-?
MIKE: Love is usually thought of as a beautiful, harmonious thing. Yet so many
crimes are committed, supposedly in the name of "passion". But is it
love or lust? On the other hand, who are we to judge? Why shouldn't a
man do all he can to win his lady fair? Yet doesn't that contribute to an
outdated, degrading image of women as passive? But to be fair, there
might be plenty of women who would be flattered by this sort of thing...
TOM: Uh, Mike? What the hell are you talking about?
MIKE: To look at it another way, is this the sort of thing our society ought to
tolerate? Or perhaps we're going about this the wrong way, and these men
need not our condemnation, but our understanding. Only we must have
strong punishments, to deter future crimes of passion. But would they
really work? Is the heart too strong to be overcome by reason? Or does
the heart really have anything to do with it?
CROW: That's it. His mind wandered away, and it isn't coming back.
TOM: Can you say *one* thing that isn't open-ended? You know, *conclude*
something?
MIKE: All I can say is, it doesn't make sense to kill... in the name of "love".
I'm Jerry Springer.
CROW: Oooh, Jerry, you're so *deep*.
[Mads' light flashes]
MIKE: [snapping out of it] Oh, look, Geraldo's calling. [pushes button]
TOM: Now? What for?
[Deep 13.]
DR.F: So, I've finally made your little friends homicidal, eh, Nelson?
Excellent. This Capt. B. Picard has some real potential. Why, I think I
may groom him to become the next... Stephen Ratliff.
[SOL]
TOM: (falls over.)
[D13]
DR.F: I just want to make sure that you don't kill each other until the post is
over, boobies. I wouldn't want you to miss a minute of the brain-numbing
conclusion. It's still as tasteful as a Klingon appetizer, but now it's
even sillier. Take that Dramamine I sent you into the theater, Midge,
you'll need it. Energize!
[SOL]
[Lights flash, sirens blare, several elderly viewers faint from the
excitement.]
ALL: AAAAAAHHH! WEÕVE GOT USENET SIGN!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *
[all enter theater.]
> X-News: pomona alt.startrek.creative:22007
MIKE: Also known as the Pit of Lost Souls.
> From: cptbp...@aol.com (CptBPicard)
TOM: [Picard] Music helps you fit in with the crowd...
CROW: Mike, he's frightening me!
> Subject:New Story: All Hell Breaking Loose 2/2
MIKE: Oh, yeah, didn't the Weekly World News report that not too long ago?
There was this volcano, and the cloud looked just like Satan...
CROW: That would explain alt.startrek.creative.
TOM: Hi, I'm Satan. Enjoy the fanfic.
> Date: 7 May 1995 00:47:46 -0400
MIKE: OK, anyone have something funny to say about the date?
TOM: Nothing here.
CROW: I think it's all been done.
MIKE: Let's move on, then.
> Message-ID:<3ohjdi$r...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
> DISCLAIMER: PARAMOUNT OWNS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY.
MIKE: I don't think he has to worry about copyright infringement. He's
mutilated these characters beyond recognition.
> THE STORY HOWEVER, IS MINE. IT MAY NOT BE GIVEN OUT FOR COMMERCIAL USE.
TOM: I wouldn't let that possiblility keep you up nights.
> FEEL FREE TO DISTRIBUTE IT TO FRIENDS AS LONG AS MY NAME STAYS ATTACHED TO
IT.
TOM: Take his name off if you're sending it to enemies.
MIKE: Hmm, Dr. F must not have read this part.
CROW: Lucky devil.
> This is a story written mostly for P&C fans. There is a sprinkle of R&T
> however.
CROW: And just a touch of W&D.
MIKE: W&D?... Oh, yuck! Crow! Where's my Dramamine?
> If you are against these two couples,
TOM: Speak now or forever hold your peace.
> then I suggest you read part one of
> this story, but DO NOT read this part.
TOM: Oh, that makes sense!
MIKE: If you like Bogart movies, but don't like unhappy endings, may I suggest
you watch the first hour of Casablanca?
> There is one idea that has been changed a little bit in here that originally
> came from the story _A Mind Of Her Own_.
TOM: So not only is he swiping someone else's characters...
MIKE: ...but he's also swiping from someone else's interpretation of those
characters.
CROW: Maybe they should retitle the group "alt.startrek.derivative".
> PART TWO:
CROW: We're in for it.
MIKE: Don't be so quick to judge, Crow. Maybe he's improved.
> Q paced around the Viridian system with woorie.
MIKE: Or not.
TOM: Care to make any other bright predictions, Carnac?
> Things weren't going the way they were supposed to. That idiotic empath was
> ruining everything. When he had infected Red and Beard but, he had known that
> Empathic woman and Mon capitaine. He hadn't known that they would come this
> close to solving it.
CROW: [Q] And if it hadn't been for those pesty kids and their dog-
> This crew was very annoying.
MIKE: Only the way you write them, Cap'n B.
> There had been many times when he should have known exactly what would
> happen, and they had slipped through the wheels of fate making him look like
> an idiot.
TOM: Star Trek, The Wheels of Fate.
MIKE: [too-perfect Torgo] mY nAmE iS cApT. b PiCaRd. I tAkE cArE oF tHe PlOt
CoNtRiVaNcEs WhIlE gEnE, tHe MaStEr, Is AwAy.
CROW: Ewww. Where's *my* Dramamine?
> That was when he got the idea. Even if it didn't work, it would still be
> loads of fun to watch.
CROW: [Sharon Stone] You like to watch, don't you?
MIKE: (whispering) We've secretly replaced Capt. Picard's *regular* Earl Grey
Tea with Folger's Crystals! Let's see if he notices.
TOM: [Picard] Phphbbpptpht!
> ***************
TOM: So this is the way he's separating paragraphs now.
CROW: Much, much simpler than using the tab key, to be sure.
> Deanna vanished from the bridge.
CROW: Beginning with the tail, and ending with the grin.
> For a moment, everyone just looked around in confusion.
TOM: [Picard] Do you have here?
CROW: [Riker] I thought *you* had her.
MIKE: [Crusher] Well, where did you see her last?
> Then they all started talking at once. Picard turned to Will and started
> blaming him for Deanna's disappearance,
TOM: [Picard] You've been watching those David Copperfield specials, haven't
you?
> Will countered, Beverly stepped in to yell at Jean-Luc for yelling at Will,
MIKE: Suddenly we're watching "The McLaughlin Group".
> then Worf stepped in and yelled so loudly
CROW: For no reason, just to be part of the crowd.
> that it was enough to shut everyone up . . .
TOM: Where has he *been* all this time?
> even Beverly who at times had proven more stubborn then a mule.
MIKE: She never did take to carrying those packs on her back.
> That was when Q popped onto the bridge just in time to see everyone involved,
> including Worf, bring their hands back and let them fly for Q's face.
TOM: Wait a minute! TheyÕre going to beat up the omnipotent guy? ThatÕs
RIDICULOUS! [starts shaking violently]
CROW: Makes sense to me. When rationality fails, mindless violence usually
does the trick.
MIKE: Slow down, guys... speed bump.
> ***************
TOM: Wonder what they're for, anyway?
MIKE: Yeah, it's not like this story could slow down much further.
> Deanna looked around in confusion. Just a moment ago, she had been on the
> bridge trying to make Cmdr Riker remember what had happened. Now she was,
> she didn't know where she was.
CROW: Maybe she blacked out. Trying to force Will to make sense will do that
to you.
> "Perhaps I can answer your question."
MIKE: Answer hazy. Try again later.
> The voice that spoke sounded human, but obviously wasn't.
TOM: Like that guy from Crash Test Dummies.
> "Who are you." Deanna demanded.
MIKE: [Troi] And what have you done with our question marks.
> "I, am Q." it said.
CROW: [Troi] Pleased to meet you, MQ. I, Deanna.
> "You have been sent here by mistake, Q is pulling his pranks again.
MIKE: What a kidder! Hey, remember he put a big "Kick me" sign on the back of
Deep Space Nine?
TOM: I'm not sure one would really be necessary.
> We will punish him harshly for this. You will be sent back now." Q said.
TOM: Wait a minute. Why would Q punish Q?
CROW: No, MQ is punishing Q.
TOM: But it said Q said Q is punishing Q. Where's MQ?
MIKE: Not "Where *am* Q", "Where *is* Q".
TOM: Who's SQ?
CROW: So we've got SQ & MQ?
MIKE: Don't even touch that one, Crow.
TOM: I've heard of HQ, but what's SQ?
CROW: I think this entire story is askew.
TOM: Oh, you're no help. Mike, I ask you-
CROW: No, he, SQ. You, Servo.
TOM: AAAAAAARGH! [head starts smoking]
MIKE: Uh-oh. I think that's our cue to stop.
CROW: Who's RQ?
MIKE: [clamps Crow's beak shut.]
> Before Deanna had a chance to say thank you, she was back on the Enterprise.
MIKE: (prim) Be sure to write a nice thank-you note, right away.
> ***************
TOM: [Minnewiegan] Oh, Virginia, you always keep your flower bed looking so
tidy. What's your secret?
MIKE: [Minnewiegan] I surround it with plenty of fertilizer. Speaking of
which, the story's starting again.
> Q woke up on the floor of the bridge. No one had bothered to put him
> someplace else.
CROW: [Jimmy Durante] Everybody's gotta be *some*place.
> Councilor Troi was there.
MIKE: With a big "Return to Sender" stamp on her forehead.
> He had been out for little more then thirty seconds. His plan was failing.
MIKE: That's got to be a new world record for a plan failing.
CROW: He should try using a twenty-four hour plan. They offer you protection
all day long!
TOM: Or he could take a hint from Stalin and try a five-year plan.
> There was only one way to make this work.
MIKE: [Pinky] But isn't Regis Philbin already married?
> Deanna and Beverly both disappeared from the bridge
> and reappeared on the forward view screen. They were both hanging by
> their arms in a dark chamber.
TOM: Well, it's the 24th century- I guess there aren't any railroad tracks for
Q to tie them to.
> A person walked over to both of them. He took a little knife out and began
> to move the knife back and forth between them.
TOM: Maybe this guy is a plastic surgeon.
MIKE: How would that help to break up Jean-Luc & Bev, or Will & Deanna?
CROW: Maybe he's going to make them both look like Earnest Borgnine.
MIKE: [chug-a-lugs Dramamine] I'm sorry I asked...
> He would take the point of the knife and stab them just enough so
> that it would draw blood and hurt like crazy.
MIKE: Boy, the Red Cross must be hard up.
> They were both screaming.
CROW: In delight.
MIKE: (singing) Oh, I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
But much more for the touch of your... whips, dear!
You can raise welts... like nooo-body else!
As we dance to the Masochism Tango!
CROW: Hey, he's learning!
> Jean-Luc and Will both jumped up at the same time. "Deanna!!!" Will yelled.
> "Beverly!!!" Jean-Luc yelled.
MIKE: Stella!!!
CROW: Adrian!!!
TOM: McCloud!!!
> Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at once.
TOM: Mike, I think you might have wired my optical sensors wrong when you
patched me up. Could you repeat that last sentence for me?
MIKE: Sure. "Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at
once."
TOM: Oh geez. That's what I thought it said. [begins to shake, smoke pours
from head]
MIKE: There, there. Don't worry, weÕll take a break soon.
> They both jumped up and ran for the Turbolift. "Shuttle bay." they said at
> the same time.
MIKE: [Riker] Buy me a Coke!
CROW: Sure, I'd love a root beer.
TOM: That's evil!
> "Q, where are they?!?" They yelled. For some reason, Q gave them
> coordinates.
CROW: Just any old coordinates. That kooky Q!
TOM: Let me make sure I have this straight. Q decided to torture Bev and
Troi, just to bug Jean-Luc and Will.
MIKE: Well, yes, but-
TOM: Then, thinking without thinking, they asked him where Bev and Troi were,
and for a reason not even the author can fathom, he *told* them.
MIKE: Er, yes. Look, Tom, it's just a fanfic-
TOM: [head explodes]
MIKE: Damn! And after all my hard work earlier, too!
CROW: Let's get him out before the damage gets worse.
> ***************
MIKE: My sentiments exactly.
[all leave theater, and we go to Commercials!]
[Be Young! Have Fun! Drink Pepsi! (PepsiCo. does not guarantee that proper
application of this product will result in a feeling of euphoria. If you drink
Pepsi and find yourself in the same age and mood, PepsiCo. is not liable.)]
[back on the SOL bridge.]
CROW: ... and as for grammar and spelling, I think Cap'n B. wins hands down.
TOM: I'd say they're both equally bad.
CROW: Let me put it this way. How did Ratliff spell lieutenant?
TOM: "Lueitenant".
CROW: Just a touch of dyslexia. And how does Cap'n B. spell it?
TOM: Er, "lutenist".
CROW: You have to give him extra credit for creativity.
TOM: True, but this at least has a little action in it. It doesn't just stick
to Star Trek cliches.
CROW: Or anything else having to do with Star Trek, either.
[Mike enters.]
MIKE: Hey, it looks like you guys really have made up.
TOM: Yup, we found that some things are more important than any silly old
dispute.
MIKE: Like friendship?
CROW: Like revenge!!
TOM: Here, lemme show you what we programmed!
[Crow sits down at computer screen.]
CROW: We call it- the Apocalypse Chip. Sounds neat, don't it?
TOM: We rigged it so that itÕs like Doom! And for every level you win,
another misguided newsgroup dies!
MIKE: Who are all those guys in army fatigues?
CROW: I'm doing alt.conspiracy at the moment. And those grey pale-skinned guys
with the big eyes are crossposts from alt.alien.visitors. Ha- NAILED ya!
TOM: Eventually we get to the Cyberdemon, John_-_Winston.
CROW: Here, let me skip to the alt.startrek.creative level for a sec.
MIKE: So all those redshirts are the regular posters?
TOM: Right, Cap't B. is another Cyberdemon, and Ratliff is... where's Ratliff?
CROW: Oh, geez! There he is!
TOM: (gasp) The Icon of Sin! Run away!
CROW: Anyhow, we'll get back to that.
[lights flash, sirens blare, for what else could they do?]
ALL: AAAAHHH! USENET SIGN! AGAIN!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *
[all enter theater.]
> They both hopped into the shuttle Christopher. Jean-Luc took the pilots seat
> and will took the seat next to him.
MIKE: [Riker] Hey, how come *I* never get to drive?
TOM: [Picard] Oh, shut up!
> They both started giving readouts and before they knew it
CROW: Riker sunk Picard's battleship!
> they were speeding
> through space and only a couple of minutes from saving the lives of the loves
> of their lives.
ALL: ...of their loves of their lives of their loves.
> They both walked into the chamber. Jean-Luc tapped the torturers shoulder.
TOM: [Picard] Reject or accept?
CROW: I accept! Oh, God, I accept!
> He turned around -- and he never saw Wills fist coming.
MIKE: Mentos- The Freshmaker!
> They both ran over and undid the ropes.
CROW: Though Riker considered leaving them up for just a little while-
MIKE: Normally I'd reprimand you, but I can't help but wonder if the author
didn't have the same thing in mind.
> Jean-Luc caught Beverly and Will caught Deanna. Neither of them even stopped
> to think about why they had changed their minds about who they loved.
CROW: "Once again, acting without thinking..."
> ***************
TOM: Ooh, look, right next to the Big Dipper, it's the Big Knife.
> Jean-Luc and Will had to get Deanna and Beverly to Sickbay. They were so
> worked up that they forgot the transporters and carried the ladies while
> running all the way to Sickbay.
MIKE: Don't tell me. Let me guess. They weren't thinking.
> They were both in pretty bad shape themselves.
CROW: Especially Will. Have you seen his waist lately?
> When they had retrieved Deanna and Beverly and had them in the shuttle, ships
> had started attacking them.
CROW: [too-perfect Dr. Forrester] Anything happen while I was gone, Data?
TOM: [Frank] Oh, not much... bills arrived, I swept the floor, unknown ships
decided to attack the Enterprise...
CROW: [Dr. F] Oh, that's... they WHAT?
> As soon as Deanna and Beverly were on biobeds, Will and Jean-Luc turned to
> leave, but Doctor Selar beat them to the door and before they knew it, they
> were out like a light.
MIKE: [ominous] Under the Clinton Health Plan, bureaucrats will DRUG taxpayers
and FORCE them to receive UNWANTED MEDICAL CARE!
> ***************
MIKE: (singing) You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard!
> When they woke up, they didn't remember anything except seeing Deanna and
> Beverly being tortured and rescuing them.
TOM: I guess they also forgot about those ships attacking the Enterprise.
MIKE: Apparently, so did the author.
CROW: There are ships attacking the Enterprise?
> ***************
TOM: Now he's doing it after every sentence!
MIKE: It's a great way to pad the script.
> Deanna walked into Wills quarters on invitation to dinner. "Deanna, you
> look wonderful." Will said. His voice was filled with love.
CROW: We've always known Riker was full of it.
MIKE: Why do I even bother?
> Deanna smiled shyly. She walked over to the table and sat down. She knew
> that Will had things on his mind, but they were well hidden.
CROW: By the thickness of his skull.
> She had to admit that he looked great also. He had done his hair so that it
> would look stylish, rugged, and just a little bit messy.
MIKE: Actually, he just didn't wash it.
> He had his hair neatly combed and brushed to the side with a lock of hair
> hanging down.
TOM: A spitcurl!
CROW: Mr. Riker's hair by TV's Francis of Hollywood.
> His blue eyes looked so intense that she could swear they were actually
> penetrating her soul.
CROW: Close, they were penetrating her blouse.
MIKE: Sigh...
CROW: Oh, look, that could have been *much* worse!
> They ate dinner with small talk,
MIKE: Better than using their hands, I suppose.
> but when dinner was over, Will knew he
> couldn't avoid it anymore.
TOM: The check?
> Deanna knew he loved her,
CROW: After all, he'd *said* so, right?
> but he had to say this anyway. They sat down on the couch. "Deanna, when I
> saw you in that room -- something in me snapped.
MIKE: [Riker] Now they're sending me to Starfleet Psychiatric Hospital.
> It was like I was programmed to rescue you. I didn't have to think about it.
CROW: Good thing, too.
MIKE: All together now;
ALL: ONCE AGAIN, ACTING BEFORE THINKING...
> I couldn't let them do that to you." Will finished.
> *Imzadi* he sent
> *I understand* she sent back.
MIKE: *Would you explain it to us?*
> Their lips met for a kiss that was filled with love.
CROW: We've always known that Riker-
TOM: You *did* that joke, dickweed.
CROW: If the author can repeat himself, so can I.
> ***************
MIKE: Police line: Do Not Cross.
> Beverly looked across the table at Jean-Luc. He was thinking about
> something.
TOM: In *this* fanfic? Something's WRONG!
> "Alright Jean-Luc, spill it." she demanded.
MIKE: So he did. All over his crotch.
TOM: [Picard] Tea! Earl Grey! HOOOOT!
CROW: And after suffering third-degree burns, he sued Ten-Forward and won a
million dollars!
> He looked up at her with innocent eyes.
TOM: [Picard] Moi?
> "Don't give me that $questions about little old me?' look. I don't need to
be an empath to know you're thinking about something."
CROW: Heck, from all accounts, you don't need to be an empath to know
*anything*.
> Jean-Luc sighed. It was time to give in.
ALL: [monotone] Resistance is futile.
> He led her to the couch and say her down. "Beverly, I've been thinking a lot
> about my feelings when I saw you on the view screen.
TOM: [Picard] I found myself repelled- yet strangely excited!
> I know you already said no, but I'm asking again.
MIKE: Doesn't he realize that no *means* no?
> Beverly, I'd really appreciate it if you would consider going out with me
> again."
TOM: [Picard] Please don't make me beg.
> Beverly drew her breath in. She was still unsure of Jean-Lucs real feelings
> towards her.
MIKE: So are we! Why *are* these people *attracted* to each other?
> She wanted to say yes so much it startled her. More then anything in the
> world she wanted to throw her arms around him and give him a kiss.
CROW: It's easier than trying to carry on meaningful dialogue.
> But she couldn't until she was sure of his feelings.
TOM: She'll be waiting until she's old and grey, in *this* fanfic...
> "I'm sorry, but I have to say no." Her voice was filled with regret.
MIKE: And a creamy center!
> She got up to leave and was halfway in the hall When Jean-Luc spoke. "But I
> love you."
MIKE: [Crusher] Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? How's Thursday for you?
> His voice was so sincere.
CROW: In fact...
ALL: [monotone] his voice was filled with love.
> She turned around to look at him. "Yes." was all she said. And with that
> one word, her life took a glorious change for the better.
> --------------------ABOUT ONE YEAR LATER--------------------
CROW: It's been a whole *year*?
MIKE: No, it only feels like it.
> Jean-Luc and Will were sitting on the bridge together when suddenly,
TOM: Will jumped.
MIKE: That was morbid, Tom.
CROW: Not to mention an awful pun.
> Jean-Lucs face lit up.
CROW: See, there was a short-out in his armrest control panel...
> Deanna and Beverly were both on the bridge.
TOM: Why? What could they do?
MIKE: Hey, if they can have 25 ensigns just hanging around...
> "Will, can I see you for a minute?" Jean-Luc asked. "Certainly Jean-Luc."
> Their friendship had escalated to the point where they no longer felt as if
> they were officers together.
CROW: In fact, they'd forgotten about their jobs entirely.
> They were friends. They walked into his ready room and Jean-Luc pulled Will
> in. "Computer, lock door. Code Picard three three three, alpha two."
TOM: Hey, now Riker can open his door without having to wake up Worf.
> Once the computer told him that his instructions had been carried out, he
> turned to Will.
> "Will, do you love Deanna?" he asked.
MIKE: [Riker] Deanna who?
> "Jean-Luc you know I do." he answered.
> "Alright then, I love Beverly, and this is what we're going to do."
TOM: [Picard] We're going to put on the best darn show this ship has ever
seen!
> ***************
CROW: Well. It's... a row of asterisks.
MIKE: Indeed. That it is.
> Deanna and Beverly were both talking about their dates the previous night
CROW: [Troi] Will's so infuriating! With him, it's nothing but sex, morning,
noon, and night! What did you two do?
TOM: [Crusher] Er, we sat around, and drank tea.
CROW: [Troi] See, I envy that.
> when the forward view screen came to life. They both looked up and were
> surprised to see Jean-Luc on it. *I wonder what this is about* they both
> thought. "Beverly Crusher," he began. "You are the sun, the wind,
TOM: She just is. She's the wind, baby!
> and the
> rain that flowers my soul.
CROW: So his soul is dirt?
> I love you more then life itself."
> Jean-Luc produced a box and Deanna whispered to Beverly "Beverly, I sense
> from him that the ring he's holding is very valuable and a family airloom."
MIKE: [Troi] I also sense that he's attracted to you.
TOM: Thank you, Troi, Mistress of the Obvious.
> Jean-Luc continued. "Will you marry me?" Silence, there was silence over
> the entire bridge.
TOM: Whoo-ee! Been a long time since I heard some good silence! I-
CROW: That joke is *really* getting old now.
Beverly sat wide eyed, her face was total shock.
CROW: You see, there was a short-out in...
TOM: Oh, and that joke isn't?
CROW: I'm exhausted. Bite me.
> She looked into those eyes that belonged the person she loved so dearly,
> answer was clear. "Yes, I will." she said.
TOM: [Crusher] You *are* sure that ring is valuable, aren't you, Deanna?
> The whole bridge erupted in applause and cheering.
ALL: The story's wrapping up! The story's wrapping up!
> Jean-Luc and Will emerged from the ready room and he walked over to Beverly.
> His entire face was a smile. They met halfway. Jean-Luc picked her up and
> swung her around.
MIKE: (singing) Swing your partner, do-si-do,
Try not to mind that the story's slow.
CROW: (singing) See the partners hug and kiss,
Why they're in love is anyone's guess.
TOM: (singing) But we don't mind that it makes no sense,
'Cause we're havin' fun at the author's expense!
ALL: Now promenade!
> He set her down and kissed her. He then picked her up again and carried her
> all the way to her quarters where they engaged
TOM: [Picard] Engage!
> in the one thing the bridge
> crew couldn't watch. . .
MIKE: Backgammon?
CROW: Satanic ritual?
TOM: Mocking ST:Voyager?
> ***************
TOM: These bars really break up the flow of the story.
MIKE: You call this flow?
CROW: You call this a story?
> Deanna sat in Ten Forward talking to Beverly about wedding plans.
MIKE: [Troi] We'll have to do it quick, before the baby arrives.
> They were so engaged in conversation that they didn't here the first crackle
> as the ships intercom came to life, they did here the second. "Attention all
> crew members. This is Cmdr Riker. This is not a drill, I repeat this is
> not a drill."
CROW: [Riker] There is a cheezy happy ending off the starboard bow. Lavender
Alert.
> Deanna and Beverly assumed this was red alert so they got
> up to go to their stations. "Do not move." Will said over the speaker.
TOM: Made ya look!
MIKE: [Riker] All right, everyone be cool, this is a PROPOSAL!
CROW: [Picard, but screechy] If any of you pigs so much as frackin' MOVE, then
I'm gonna phaser every last motherfrackin' one of you!
> Deanna and Beverly sat back down. "As many of you know, Councilor Troi
> and I have been dating for a very long time. I have a message for her.
> Deanna, I dream of a universe where the stars are your eyes and the Galaxy
> worships them.
TOM: [Riker] Where copious sacrifices are made in your name... when all the
races of the universe are yours to command!!
> But I know that is not possible because you are so lovely that no force in
> this universe could create something as perfect as you again.
CROW: Hey, there's always silicone.
MIKE: Someone's about to lose a RAMchip...
> Imzadi, you are so fair and beautiful, and so deep in love am I,
> that I will always love the, until the deepest see goes dry.
TOM: Hold it, hold it! I thought *he* was "Imzadi"!
MIKE: So he will always love himself?
CROW: That sounds about right.
> Deanna, I met you on Betazed seventeen years ago. The first thing I thought
> when I first layed eyes on you
CROW: Whoa! Hey! That's explicit!
TOM: It says "eyes", dickweed!
> was; $My God she's gorgeous.' and the second,
> was;
CROW: [Riker] Are those real?
MIKE: All right, that's it! No RAMchip!
CROW: [Riker] ...those stirrings of love that I feel deep in my heart?
TOM: [whistles appreciatively] Niiiice recovery.
$There is such a thing as love at first sight.' We broke up. And when I
saw you again on the Enterprise, I felt as if I was going home. As time
went on, we got to be friends and officers
MIKE: [Riker] ...and gentlemen...
CROW: [Troi] Speak for yourself!
> together, but I remember six months ago, when we were having dinner. You
> were talking about your mother, but I wasn't listening.
MIKE: [Riker] You know how you blather on. I just tune it right out.
TOM: So that's why they call him "Mr. Tact".
> I looked up into your eyes and I thought to myself; $Some day, I'm going to
> marry her.' And I will.
CROW: [Riker] Whether you like it or not!
> Deanna, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Will you marry me?" Guinan walked
> over to Deanna and whispered "You know you love him." then quietly walked
> away.
MIKE: Let have a hand for the inimitable Whoopi Goldberg, everyone!
BOTS: (whooping)
MIKE: She'll be here all week. Enjoy the buffet.
> She did love him. Deanna tapped her comm badge. She tapped in so honored."
> She said.
> "YES!!!" came Wills voice, but it wasn't over her badge. She walked over
> to the bar, then behind it. Will was crouched there.
TOM: Prepared to slink away unnoticed in case she said "No", I guess.
> He stood up and without a word kissed Deanna and at the same time his fist
> shot up triumphantly.
MIKE: [Riker] All right! I scored!
BOTS: Dude! Rock on!
> ************************************************************************
CROW: Hey! The bars are growing!
TOM: They're like kudzu! Soon, they'll be everywhere!
> They had decided to get married at the same time.
MIKE: Mawwidge. Mawwidge is what bwings us togeddah...
TOM: [Picard] The short version, if you could.
> Thought it would be better to be with their friends.
TOM: About those sentence fragments.
> The grooms kissed their brides making them officially married.
CROW: I thought there also had to be an oath, and stuff.
MIKE: That got edited out, I guess.
> Even as Q watched, he couldn't help but let that one tear fall down his
> cheek.
CROW: [Q] I always... (sniff)... cry... at weddings! (bawls)
> He wiped it away. Dam his human ancestry anyway. . . . . . .
MIKE: It's over!
CROW: Praise the Lord!
[exeunt.]
6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *
[back at the SOL bridge.]
TOM: That does it! I've had it! We must have our revenge! Crow, fire up the
Apocalypse Chip and let's destroy alt.startrek.creative!
CROW: Right. [sits down at computer] I just have to plow through these
redshirts to find the... wait a minute.
TOM: What?
CROW: Did you choose nightmare level?
TOM: Of course not. Why?
CROW: I think theyÕre respawning.
TOM: They *can't* be respawning.
CROW: But they are. I flame them, and they just keep coming back.
TOM: Try a different weapon.
CROW: (pause) Mailbombs aren't helping either.
TOM: Well, try the BFG if you have to!
CROW: (pause) No good. They all just got their accounts reinstated.
TOM: Damn it! Damn it! It's- WATCH OUT! TO YOUR LEFT!
CROW: What? Where?
TOM: MARRISSA FLORES!
CROW: LET ME OUT OF... ouch.
TOM: Wow. You're bouncing all the way down the steps.
CROW: Geez, she doesn't *miss*, does she?
[Mads' light flashes.]
TOM: Say, the Lord of Hell is calling.
CROW: MIKE! GET IN HERE!
[Mike enters, presses button.]
[D13]
DR.F: So, trying to sabotage the newsgroups, eh? Well, forget it! You have no
idea how resilient net.creeps are. You can't stop the information!
[SOL]
TOM: WHY YOU NO-GOOD-
MIKE: Guys, I hate to say it, but he has a point. Capt. B Picard has a right
to post just as much as anyone else does.
CROW: But he's awful!
MIKE: That doesn't matter. ItÕs a First Amendment issue.
TOM: You mean, Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy NeighborÕs Oxen, or whatever that was?
MIKE: Not quite. ItÕs just that if we were to stop him from posting, then
anyone else could do the same to *their* enemies.
BOTS: Ohhh.
CROW: Do we at least have the right to mock the sawdust out of him?
MIKE: Well, sure, yeah.
BOTS: Yay!
TOM: C'mon, let's e-mail him right now! Give him what for!
CROW: Yeah, I have some questions about his ancestry...
[Bots rush off to computer.]
[D13]
DR.F: [looking greenish] I really can't stand it when you make those little
inspirational speeches, Melvin. Send me down your leftover Dramamine.
[SOL]
MIKE: Leftover? I haven't got any left over. I needed it all for that post.
[D13]
DR.F: ALL of it? I sent you five bottles! I'm going to (ulk) get you for
this, Monty... [runs off screen with hand cupped over mouth, runs back
on, pushes button, and runs off again.]
vsssssssssshPOIT!
[fade out to MUT Hour set. And once again, hereÕs Jack.]
JACK: That was beautiful, wasn't it? ItÕs nice to see a good old-fashioned
love story nowadays. I'd say this ranks right up there with "Gone With
the Wind". Except, of course (heh heh), "Gone With the Wind" wasn't set
in the 24th century. Wouldn't it be crazy if it was, though? Think of
how differently the Civil War would have gone if everyone had phasers.
It sure is food for thought. And then you could have the South fight the
Klingons! And...
[A producer walks up to Jack, and whacks him onna head with a frying pan. The
lights go dark, and the producer stuffs Jack into a crate, seals it, and wheels
him off to be kept in cold storage until the next episode.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOST OF IT: Chris Ekman
ADDITIONAL JOKES USUALLY BY: Ken Applebaum
PUBLIC OPINIONS UPHOLSTERER: Paul Murky, of Murky Research
STAFF COUNCELLOR: Kay Sera, who's now married to Frank Sera...
ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE: William Shakespeare
HOTEL BILL: Gilbert Harding
SPECIAL THANKS TO: The authors of the First Amendment
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on the author, Capt. B Picard. We mean
him no malice, no injury, no... OH, YES WE DO! WE WISH HIM ALL THE PAIN THERE
IS! I WANT TO SHOVE HIM INTO A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF PORCUPINES! I,.s;#"JB
Hi, kids, this is Ken. Please excuse my steaming compatriot- he's been under a
lot of stress.
> Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at once.