MST3Kd: MAKE.MONEY.FAST (part 2)
Robert Everett Brunskill
one before reading part 2. --Rob
G...6...5...4...3...2...1...
Joel: Drop the computer fighting guys.
Bots: SI, mi amiga.
Joel: Quit it.
>
>The following letters were written by participating
Tom: Suckers.
> members in this program:
>
>To Whom it may concern,
Joel: I, for one, am very concerned.
> About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form.
>I ignored it.
Joel: And there was much rejoicing.
All: Yay!
> I received about five more of the same letter within the
>next two weeks.
Crow: Some one sure had it in for him.
> I ignored them also. Of course, I was
tempted to follow
>through and dreamed of making thousands,
Tom: I thought he said that he ignored them?
> but I was convinced it was
Crow: Illegal?
> just
>another gimmick and could not possible work.
Tom: Wait guys, this one's showing a glimmer of hope!
> I was wrong!
Joel: I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Crow and Tom: Oh, really? Huh??
> About three
>weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletin board
Joel: Why bother?
> in
>Montreal.
Joel: Oh!
> I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't
>expect much because I figured,
Crow: Huh, Go figure.
> if other people were as skeptical as I,
Tom: Don't you mean stupid?
>they wouldn't be too quick to part with 5 dollars. But, I buy lottery
>tickets
Crow: Suddenly this seems to make sense.
> weekly in my province and have nothing to show for it but ticket
>stubs.
Joel: Those dumb balls keep coming up with my numbers, I'll never win.
> This week I decided to look at this as my weekly lottery purchase.
Tom: Why? The lottery has better odds.
>I addressed the envelopes and mailed out one dollar in each as directed.
>Two weeks went by and I didn't receive anything in the mail.
Tom: Ha! Go figure!
> The fourth
>week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened!
Crow: I still didn't get a single dime!
> I can't say I
>received $50,000,
Tom: Cause I didn't.
> but it was definitely well over $35,000!
Joel: In fines?
> For the first
>time in 10 years, I got
Tom: Arrested?
> out of debt.
Crow: Wow! This Guy's an idiot and he still has a better financial
record than the government.
> It was great. Of course, it didn't
>take me long to go through my earnings
Crow: Oops, Maybe not.
> so I am using this excellent money
>opportunity once again.
Tom: Makes you really want to give, doesn't it?
> Follow the instructions and get ready to
Tom: Go to jail.
> enjoy.
>
> Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter
>so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!
>
> Good Luck,
>
> Charles Kust
Crow: Joel, he's swearing at us!
> St. Agathe, Quebec, Canada
Joel: Quebec? That explains a lot.
>
>Another letter:
All: NO!
> I tried a similar program in which the cost was $5.00 per
>response.
Tom: Ooo, what an entrepreneur.
Crow: What a dickweed.
Joel: Hey, be nice you guys. It's not his fault he's dumb.
> In that one the return was about 3%. Since I did not have a
>modem I sent out letters regular mail.
Tom: I'm not even going to try to understand that.
> I created mailing labels with
>Appleworks
Crow: What is this, the Apple chain letter?
> and printed the labels on pressure sensitive tape.
Joel: Oh, but of course!
> The first
>mailing that I used the $1.00 dollar per person approach I started to get
Crow: Death threats.
>return mail
Joel: I guess he forgot the stamps.
> in just over one week! I sent out 200 letters instead of 100
>that is required if you use the mail instead of the bulletin boards.
>Additionally, I included as many friends, relatives, classmates, that I
>could think of
Crow: Just to piss them off!
> in order to encourage their participation if they happened
>to recognize my name,
Tom: Guys, You know you're in trouble when your own family doesn't
recognize your name.
> so my percentage of gain was higher.
Joel: Until they remember how much you owe them.
Tom: Try explaining the cheap presents at Christmas.
> I am trying
>again with 500 letters to see if I surpass the $141,000 of the last time.
>You just won't believe it
Joel: You bet we won't.
> until you try.
>
> Best Wishes,
Crow: Rot in jail,
>
> Mark Garner
> Dallas, Texas, USA
Crow: Texas? Only steers and queers come form Texas, and I don't see no horns.
Joel: CROW! Don't say that!
>
>Additional Notes:
Tom: The management regrets to inform you that there is more garbage
yet to come. Thank you.
>
> This system
Crow: Sucks.
> works equally well if mailed out manually.
Tom: Well, you know what they say, "Fifty percent of nothing is nothing."
> Mind you
>it takes more effort to hand address the envelopes
Crow: No, really?
> and the cost goes up
>proportionately to cover the postage and envelopes.
Tom: My, he is a quick one.
> You must also photo
>copy the instructions,
Joel: Now, see that's clever. I would have copied all hundred by hand
or just sent out empty envelopes.
> cross out the name in number one position, write in
>your name in the number ten slot and change the rest of the numbers
>accordingly.
Tom: Why not just place your name in the number five spot and get
arrested sooner?
Crow: But, they never would have thought of _that!_
> (It might be neater to use white out or paste over the
>names.)
Joel: Considering the mentality level of these people, we'd better warn
them _not_ to eat the paste.
Crow: Eat the paste!
Tom: Die! Die! Die!
Joel: Guys, stop that.
> In order to achieve the same results you must send out
the $1.00
>to the first five names and then send out another 100 letters with copies
>of the program enclosed.
Crow: For those of you who missed it the first twenty times.
> It has been suggested not to put a return
>address on the outside of the envelope
Tom: So they have to look inside to tell the police where you live.
> in order to encourage the recipient
>to
Crow: To throw it away.
> open it. The return will approximate that then received from the posts
>listed on the bulletin boards.
Tom: What's he trying to say, Joel?
Joel: Well..., he's trying to say that the approximate return, err...
uh..., that the post that you receive, uh... no.., the bulletin boards.
I don't know.
>
>Another letter:
Joel and Tom: NO!!
Crow: Somebody shoot me! Better yet, shoot the writer!
> I was working the grave yard
Tom: Oh, we're getting into a whole weird area with this one.
> night shift at the hospital
Crow: Uh.. Heh, heh, don't say grave yard and hospital in the same
sentence. That's not good....
>administration office and was bored to tears.
Joel: Join the club.
> I saw this letter laying on
>my desk from the previous shift. I had nothing better to do so I figured,
>Why not?
Crow: Why not not?
Tom: Why why not not?
Joel: Or just plain why?
Crow: I'll show you why not! Come here, come here!
> I ran off over 100 copies on the office copier.
All: Thief! Thief!
> I found some
Crow: Morphine.
Tom: Qualudes
Joel: Prozac
Crow: Codine
Tom: Lupids
Joel: Tobrex
>blank envelopes in the desk drawer and began to hand write the addresses
>from the telephone book.
Crow: That proves it, he's a dickweed.
> I borrowed the postage meter
Joel: Yeah, right!
> and stamped the
>envelopes. Carefully I stuffed the envelopes
Tom: Full of powerful mood-altering drugs.
Crow: Heh, heh, Free samples!
> not forgetting to put in the
>five one dollar bills to the first five names.
Tom: Gee, wouldn't want to be dishonest, would we?
> I put the entire lot in
>the
Crow: Trash?
> mail bag.
Crow: Darn.
> Total time from start to finish was three and one half
>hours
Joel: Think of all the patients that died while he was doing this.
Tom and Crow: May they rest in peace.
> which included several short stops to answer the telephone
Tom: "Hello? Gino's Pizza, you wanna order? Just kidding. Hah, hah, I
love doing that."
> and fill
>out an admission slip.
Crow: Don't you just hate having to work when you're on the clock?
> Total cost to me -- $5.00 dollars.
Joel: And it only cost the hospital a couple hundred.
>
> Forty-two days later I gave notice to my employer and I will never
>have to work the night shift again.
Tom: You got fired didn't you?
> Peg
All: It will come back to you.
> gy Lou G.
> Scottsdale, Arizona, USA
Crow: I guess she was the victim of a heat stroke.
>
>P.S. -- I made a nice size donation to the hospital building fund.
Tom: They sued her, huh?
> I
>figured it was the least I could do for the use of the postage and office
>supplies.
Joel: You should've thought of that earlier.
>===============================================================
>I've never tried anything like this before
Crow: I feel so dirty...
Joel: Bow-chick-a-bwow-wow.
> and hey -- it cost me only $5.00
Crow: Boy she _is_ cheap!
>Let's see how this turns out. It only takes a few people to propagate
All: <Cough, cough.>
> the
>list and you get your money back. Besides you might be helping somebody
>else out.
Tom: Oh, of course. Millionaires could always use a helping hand.
>--
>Rod MacDonald
>--
Joel <Singing>: Old McDonald had a dream, e i e i o. And in his dream
he had some money, e i e i o. With a...
Bots: Gimme, gimme
Joel: here, and a...
Bots: Gimme, Gimme
Joel: there. Here a...
Bots: Gimme
Joel: There a...
Bots: Gimme
Joel: Everywhere a...
Bots: Gimme, Gimme
Joel: Old McDonald was a loon, e i e i o.
>
>
>
Crow: Oh wow. We are out of here!
1...2...3...4...5...6...G...
<Crow and Tom are together at the computer. Crow is typing.>
Tom: Okay and don't forget one to Gypsy, and Magic Voice, and, uh...
Crow: Don't forget Cambot.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, Cambot, Joel...
<Joel walks in.>
Joel: Hey guys, what are you up to?
Tom: Oh, hi Joel, we just thought we'd take a lesson from today's experiment.
Crow: Yeah, we're putting together a chain letter to make money!
Joel: Guys, you know that chain letters don't really work, and aren't
worth the legal hassle!
Crow: Yeah, but ours if different! Ours is bound to work!
Joel: How?
Crow: Tell him Tom!
Tom: Oh, well, the first question we ask when trying to write the
perfect chain letter is, "Who's going to be stupid enough to
participate?" By answering this question we can write a chain letter at
a level that will make the most money from the densest portion of the
population. We use complex scientific analysis to analyze each segment
of the chain letter and the full intellectual response of the average
individual. By compiling...
Joel: Tom, Tom, cut to the chase, what are you trying to say?
Crow: Yeah Tom, you're losing me, and I helped to write it.
Tom: Ok, I'll put this in layman's terms: We wrote a chain letter so
stupid that anyone who might have doubts or complaints would instead
take the letter as a complete joke. However, anyone blatantly stupid
enough to reply without a moment's hesitation would be milked for all
they're worth. Would my associate Mr. T. Robot here care to elaborate
on the details?
Crow: Thank you Mr. Servo. One of the features of our letter is that
all ten of the addresses listed are post office boxes rented by us.
Tom: In addition, we avoid asking for a measly one dollar, US currency.
Instead, we figure that the three percent return rate mentioned in the
post represents the most gullible portion of the populous. Thus, one
can be assured of their response no matter what the denomination
requested is.
Crow: In other words, we asked for forty-two dollars!
Tom: Correct! And each time we send out this letter, we make sure to
send it to those who replied last time, plus some new suckers.
Joel: But what about legal issues? What are you offering?
Tom: That's the beauty of it! We're not offering anything! We're
providing no service what-so-ever! We even say so to avoid legal
persecution!
Joel: Guys! This is a chain letter!
Tom: But we're the first ones sending it out. Therefore, from our
stand point, it is not a chain.
Joel: <looking through the letter> But there are success stories
written in here!
Crow: Oh, I wrote those.
Tom: Lies! Lies! Every last one! We'll cover every legal loophole in
the book! No one will be able to accuse us, and no one will even want
to try! Within four months I'll, uh, we'll be making millions!
Joel: Oh, I don't think so...
Crow: Yeah Tom. I think Joel might be right.
Tom: Why partner?
Crow: Well, It's just the whole setup. We rented all the PO boxes in
_my_ name, and all the letters are signed and written by me. Then
there's this paper...
Joel: What paper Crow?
Crow: This contract he had me sign.
Joel: <looking at the paper> Tom! This contract signs all the money
over to you, and puts all legal blame on Crow!
Crow: What!?
Tom: Well, heh, there were a few legal problems that had to be resolved.
Joel: That's it. I'm putting a stop to this right now. You're not
sending any of those out!
Crow: Uh, well, it's a little too late. We already sent one out.
Joel: What!?
Tom: You know, to test the idea. To see if it would work.
Joel: Well, who was... <Mad light flashes> Look sharp guys it's Robin
Hood and his merry men! What do you think sirs?
<Deep 13. Dr. F is looking to the camera, while Frank is reading E-mail
on one of his many computers.>
Dr.F: Cute Joel, but if I find any of those going out I might just have
to cut off your access. Although, it would be nice to have a copy of
that letter, just for, oh, let's say, filing reasons. As for that
encryption code of yours... <Frank interrupts him> What is it Frank?
<Frank whispers something> How much? <more whispering> Two-hundred
ten?! Why? <even more whispering> One-hundred stamped envelopes? No!
Push the button! <Frank wanders off> Some other time then Joel...
Frank! Get away from that mailbox!
<Screen goes blank, Frank's screaming can be heard...>
\ | /
\|/
---O---
/|\
/ | \
Credits:
MSTified by Rob Brunskill and Jeff Schaffer
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
Rob
----
Dave Rhodes:
> It's
>funny though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, your mind does
>crazy things. I spent a frustrating day looking through the want ads for
>a job with a future. The pickings were sparse at best.
----
---
Rob Brunskill
---
When pressed, the tailor, a material witness in the suit, came apart
at the seams. His altered testimony completely unraveled. The tale he
had woven had been a complete fabrication.
---
President of CMU's Vermillion Sci-Fi/Anime Club, and looking for Dougram...
David White
Hi, All. Could some kind soul please post (or e-mail) what the correct
answer is to the Pick the Wisecrack contest? I'd like to enter, but
unfortunately lost my copy of "Sinbad." Thanks to anyone who can help!