REPOST - MiSTied: "The Evil of the Woodlthrobs" by Ben Goudie (pt. 1)
Pye
(b...@agoudie.epulse.net)
MiSTed by: M.L. Stone (pyew...@my-deja.com)
After some technical difficulties and a notable lack of apostrophes,
here is a piece of a MiSTied and apostrophed Doctor Who fanfic. No
offense is meant to Ben Goudie by the MiSTing. If anyone would like to
comment on Ben's original work, please write to him at:
b...@agoudie.epulse.net (Notes from Ben Goudie may be found at the end
of part two of the MiSTing.)
Constructive criticisms, comments, smart ass remarks and Meta-MiSTings
are still welcomed.
If you're into these sorts of things:
Rating PG (innuendo)
Era sometime in Season 5
Copyright information:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
(By the way, Doctor Who and its related characters and situations belong
to the BBC. Use is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement is
intended or should be inferred.)
{"In the not too distant future..."}
[int. SOL. Joel is standing still, arms crossed, staring into Cambot.
He's not blinking.]
JOEL: (in a stage whisper) Hi, everyone. I'm Joel Robinson and
this is the Satellite of Love. My friends Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot
are sorting their laundry right now. Gypsy is busy running a level six
diagnostic on the AE-35 unit in my quarters. Cambot here [Cambot nods]
is helping me with a little dare.
[Servo spins in from stage right and Crow speeds in from stage left.]
CROW: Hey, Joel, whatcha doin'?
SERVO: Hi, Joel, what's up?
JOEL: (whispering) Hi, guys. Earlier I challenged Dr. Forrester
to a staring contest.
[The 'Bots face Cambot.]
SERVO: Really? How's it going?
CROW: Who's winning?
JOEL: (frowning in concentration) I think I am...
CROW: Cool. Kick his butt, Joel!
[Deep 13. Dr. Clayton "Steve" Forrester is staring into the camera
lens. TV's Frank can be seen over his shoulder, holding a towel and a
bottle of water. He's wearing a sweatband.]
FRANK: (soothingly) Focus, grasshopper, focus...
DR. F: (voice trembling) Almost...almost...
[SOL. Gypsy has joined the boys. Joel's eyes are wide and he's
starting to perspire.]
THE 'BOTS: (dancing and chanting) Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel...!
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester's eyes start to bulge and his lower lip starts
to quiver. Then he blinks.]
DR. F: Arrggghhhhhh!!!!!
[cut to SOL. We see Joel and the 'Bots doing a dance of victory.]
ALL: (singing) 'Cause we are the champions, my friends...
[Deep 13. TV's Frank walks over and puts an arm around Forrester's
shoulders. Forrester is shaking and fuming.]
FRANK: There, there, Steve, it's okay...
DR. F: (breaking down and sobbing) I almost had him, Frank, I
almost had him!
FRANK: [patting him on the back] It'll be okay, booby, Uncle
Frankie will make it all better. Now, what would it take to cheer my
little Stevie pooh up? Would he wike some soupie woupie?
DR. F: (sniffling) Can - can I have the one with the stars in it?
[cut to SOL. Joel and the 'Bots stop dancing. They stare at the screen
with their mouths open. Cut back to Deep 13]
FRANK: Yes, my little Steveroni, you can have the one with the
widdle stars.
DR. F: (a little happier) And the fish shaped crackers?
FRANK: [nodding] *And* the fish shaped crackers...
DR. F: (very happy now) Oh, goodie, I like the fish...
[cut to SOL]
ALL: Huh?
GYPSY: [running away] AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
CROW: (panicking) Joel, that's weird!
SERVO: (stunned) Way weird.
JOEL: (shocked) And somehow wrong.
SERVO: (frightened) I'm scared, Joel. Hold me.
[Dr. Forrester stops and looks at the camera. Then he looks at Frank,
who has him in a bear hug. Then he looks at the camera. He pulls
slowly away from Frank.]
DR. F: (very annoyed) We'll be right back.
[SOL]
ALL: (confused) HUH?
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester grimaces and hits the commercial button.]
[-commercial- You're watching Comedy Central. How many re-runs of
crap era SNL can you watch? Let's find out this Memorial Day Weekend
when we re-broadcast them all in an endless, coma-inducing loop! -
commercial-]
[back to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester has grabbed Frank's towel and is
hitting him with it.]
DR. F: FRANK! You maroon! You didn't tell me they were still
there!
FRANK: [trying to shield himself with the water bottle] I thought
you knew!
DR. F: [still hitting him] Frank, do you know how EMBARASSING this
is? [grabs the water bottle and shakes it at Frank. Water sprays out
in all directions] I am a mad scientist - no, make that an EVIL mad
scientist of the highest caliber! How are they supposed to be afraid of
me now?
FRANK: [crouched over] So you don't want the soup?
[Dr. Forrester stops hitting him and bends over to mutter to Frank:]
DR. F: You'll add the fish crackers, right?
FRANK: Uh, yes?
DR. F: Okay. [turns to glare at the screen] What are you looking
at?!
[cut to SOL]
ALL: Nothing!
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester straightens his lab coat and kicks at Frank,
who's scurrying away. He throws the water bottle after him.]
DR. F: [to Frank] And don't forget the fish! [turns back to the
view screen] All right, Joe-L of Krypton, it's time for today's
Invention Exchange. First up – why, me, of course. [Dr. Forrester
steps back to reveal a small table. On top of the table are a mirror
and a lipstick tube.]
[SOL.]
JOEL: Uh, Dr. Forrester, I hate to break this to you, but that
looks like just an ordinary tube of lipstick. [The 'Bots nod in
agreement.]
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: (looking very annoyed) Yes, I know it's a tube of lipstick,
Joelene, but it is not just an ordinary tube of lipstick. In fact,
encased within the brassy exterior is something even more...er, brassy.
(calls over shoulder) Frank!
FRANK: [running in] Yes, Evil One?
DR. F: Please demonstrate our latest invention for Joel Bob, won't
you?
FRANK: But it's not... [Forrester glares at him] Uh... [looking
a little worried] Okay, sure, Clay... [He moves to the table and
begins applying the lipstick. It is a very lurid shade of red]
DR. F: You see, Smokin' Joel Fraser, this lipstick has been
specially formulated to give the wearer the equivalent of Ethel Merman's
singing voice. We like to call it...the Mermanator.
FRANK: (singing in an Ethel Merman-like voice) "There's no
business like shooooooooow business..."
DR. F: [while Frank is singing in the background] As you can hear,
Joel Siegel, the lipstick is quite effective...
FRANK: (singing) "...like no business I know..."
DR. F: Just imagine the confusion that would ensue once every woman
on Earth put this lipstick on. The resulting torment and hubbub would
make it...too easy ...to take...over the world. (frowning) Uh, Frank,
you can stop now.
FRANK: (singing) I just can't stop singing, Clayton, the formula's
not stable...
DR. F: (sounding irritated) Just wipe the lipstick off, Frank.
And do it quick, you're starting to become annoying.
FRANK: (still singing) I'm really trying to wipe it off, Clay, but
it's just not coming off...
DR. F: [pushing Frank stage left] Well, Frank, go and wash it off!
Use the wire wool, for goodness' sake! [turns and gives Joel and the
'Bots an exasperated look] What about you, Joltin' Joel DiMaggio?
[SOL. Joel has a huge crazy straw hooked up to a Styrofoam cooler that
has a spice rack taped on top of it. There is a large gold star on the
side of the cooler. A bowl of steaming hot soup is to one side of him.]
JOEL: Well, sir, what we've made today is something that you'd
probably be interested in.
[Deep 13. Frank can still be heard singing in the background.]
DR. F: (wincing) Oh, yeah? And why's that, Joel Cohen?
[SOL.]
JOEL: You see, sir, what we've made is called the S.T.A.R. -- the
Soup Taster And Refrigerator. You know, there's not much worse than
burning your tongue on soup that's just way too hot for you.
SERVO: Or tasting soup that you thought was going to be good and
then just turns out to be all gross and stuff. Bleah.
CROW: So, we've made something that will not only taste the soup
and check the temperature, but will also flavor the soup if needed and
cool it to a perfect 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Mmm.
JOEL: Isn't it neat? It works like so... [inserts one end of the
crazy straw into the soup] Here we have a bowl of suspect vegetable
beef soup.
SERVO: [shaking his head] Whew, Joel, it smells a little gamey.
CROW: Not to mention that it looks almost nuclear. I think it's
burning a hole through the bowl.
JOEL: Perfect! [puts the other end of the crazy straw in his
mouth and takes a sip] Mmm...a little thyme, a little bay leaf, a
little refrigeration, and the soup is darned tasty! [leans forward]
What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank is still singing in the background.]
FRANK: [off stage] Oh, Clayton, I'm trying, but I still can't get
it off...
DR. F: [over his shoulder] THEN USE THE BLEACH! [glowers at Joel
and the 'Bots] Well, for that, Joel-ee and the Pussycats, you are going
to pay.
[SOL.]
JOEL: What?
SERVO: Hey, that's not fair!
JOEL: Yeah, we didn't do anything!
CROW: Except make a better invention and kick your butt at a
staring contest.
JOEL & SERVO: Crow!
CROW: What'd I say?
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Heh, just the right thing to cause you some very deep pain,
my little pill bug. Today's experiment is something that I found
especially for you, Space Family Robinson. A little piece of "Doctor
Who" fanfic featuring the sixth Doctor and his captivating assistant
Peri. It has all of the trappings: death, bad fashion, strawberry
flavor and...well, I'll save that little thrill for you to discover.
So, my pretties, I give you - "The Evil of the Woodlthrobs"! [hits the
button]
[SOL. The usual general pandemonium ensues.]
JOEL: We've got fanfic sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... Entering the Theatre...]
CROW: Say, Joel, can woodl throb?
JOEL: I don't know about wood, but I think my head is starting to
throb from that contest.
> The Evil of the Woodlthrobs
CROW: They're not evil, they're just drawn that way.
> 02/24/2000
SERVO: Ah, 'tis a vintage batch...
> Ben Goudie <b...@agoudie.epulse.net>
> Well, it's alternative, DW based, and debatably creative.
> So here it is, my attemptedly amusing 'Evil of the
> Woodlthrobs' episode 1. Is it rubbish? I don't know
CROW: "Debatably creative?" "Attemptedly amusing?" Shikies,
we're doomed.
> CHAPTER 1:
SERVO: Well, that sounds promising.
> The mist lay low over the dark stubby land.
SERVO: I take that back.
CROW: I didn't know land could be stubby.
JOEL: Now, Crow, the land already has a self-esteem problem.
Pointing out its short comings isn't going to help.
> A Tarquin stirred far off in the distance.
SERVO: Torturing Bond the best way it knew how...
JOEL: ...by putting him in "Moonraker"?
CROW: (Roger Moore) I told you, Drax, you can't make me talk.
JOEL: (Michel Lonsdale) Oh, but, Mr. Bond, I will. I give
you...a martini, Tarquin stirred, not shaken!
CROW: (Moore) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
JOEL: Say guys, as this is a Doctor Who fanfic, wouldn't Drax be
an in-joke?
SERVO & CROW: Fanboy!
> The grey/green land was stiff
CROW: (cheerily) 'Cause it knows Peri is in this story!
JOEL: It's a little early for that, Crow.
CROW: It's never too early for Peri.
> with cold and frost, as Nikhos ran
> for his life.
SERVO: I'm sure we'll be following his lead soon.
> The short thin man had a hint of chimpanzeeism,
JOEL: He had used the last of his bottle of CK Ape that morning.
> as he rushed headlong away from
> his pursuers.
CROW: Like anyone can rush "buttlong" away?
SERVO: Strange, but I think I'd like to see that.
JOEL: You two are starting to worry me. I think that "soupie
woupie" thing got to you.
> His mind was only on escape
CROW: From this story?
> from Mortis, from this strange and
> inhospitable planet.
SERVO: Wait a minute, first the land is all stiff and now we find
out the place is called Mortis?
JOEL: Isn't it ironic?
CROW: Dontcha think?
> "KNIP! KNIP! KNIP!" echoed the menacing war cry.
JOEL: "KNIP!" That's menacing?
CROW: The theme song to "My Three Sons" is more menacing than
that.
SERVO: I think that it's meant to be comedic...
JOEL: Uh-oh.
> The 'KNIP's came in thick and fast from all sides.
SERVO: Hey, I object, that's no way to characterize the war in the
South Pacific.
> The air trembled, and Nikhos collapsed
> in pain and agony.
SERVO: Which I am going to do any moment.
JOEL: And it's not even *eight* sentences into Chapter One, poor
little 'Bot.
CROW: Was this guy just hurt by some lame-o battle cry or did we
miss something?
> For a moment all was silent, as the pursuers quietly drew
> away.
CROW: Do you think they used crayons or pastels?
> Suddenly a strange wheezing, groaning
> sound filled the air,
SERVO: That would be the sound of my all my hopes and dreams dying.
> and the shape of the TARDIS
> materialised into existence. Slowly, the door opened.
CROW: And Charles Nelson Reilly came out!
JOEL: I thought he did that *years* ago.
CROW: (in a fey voice) Ooh, touch you, dearie!
> The Doctor strode out of the door, his multicoloured coat
> a beacon against the dull surroundings.
SERVO: It's a bad sign when even the Doctor's coat knows the story
is dull.
> Peri stepped anxiously out of the
> TARDIS, frustrated with the cold air.
ALL: HI, PERI!
CROW: I *like* it when Peri's frustrated with the cold air.
> "Where are we?"
JOEL: Well, *we're* on the Satellite of Love...oh, sorry.
> "The planet Mortis, Peri. One of the most inhospitable
> planets in this sector of the universe."
> "So I'd noticed. It looks like another quarry to me."
> "A quarry? I show you the finest locations in the
> universe, and you describe them as QUARRIES?"
> "But most of them _are_ quarries."
ALL: OOH!
SERVO: You've got to admit that was way better than the Kennedy-
Nixon debate.
> The Doctor seemed unsure what to say. He looked
> bewaffled.
JOEL: "Bewaffled"? What's "bewaffled"?
CROW: Why not "befrench toasted"?
SERVO: Or "bepancaked"?
> "Anyway, it's not my choice to be here.
CROW: Sure as hell ain't ours, Time Boy.
> Somebody forced a landing." "A
> Timelord?"
JOEL: (as the Doctor) Yes, and he also forced our two lines of
dialogue together, the fiend.
> "Perhaps. Instincts, however, Peri, tell me otherwise."
CROW: Did those instincts tell you to get a better clothier?
Don't think so.
> Peri glanced around hoping to get her bearings. Suddenly,
> she noticed the body of Nikhos, lying half-dead on the
> ground"
JOEL: Aw, c'mon, she *just* noticed this guy lying there?
> "Doctor!"
> "Hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting - we'll
> have no trouble here" murmured the Doctor.
SERVO: I think the Doctor just suffered a psychotic break. He
thinks he's in a Fringe skit now.
JOEL: It's more Pythonesque, I think.
CROW: It's that zany madcap humor.
> Nikhos opened one eye. He coughed a little, and some
> dirty blood
CROW: (singing) Dirty blood, done dirt cheap...
> oozed out of one corner of his mouth, as he
> did so. "They destroyed everything... We were all
> killed.
SERVO: No, *we* all weren't, I mean, *you're* still alive, aren't
you, Monkey Boy?
CROW: I still don't get it. So this "knip" noise can kill?
> It is too late..."
> "Who?" said the Doctor, not realising that this, when
> said by him, is, apparently, hilarious.
SERVO: Except in the context of this story.
> "The Woodl..."
JOEL: ...wobble but they won't fall down!
> Nikhos gave up, and stopped breathing.
CROW: It can kill! He was killed by a crummy anagram!
> Peri looked distraught.
JOEL: You know, I have that same look.
> "Doctor, I don't think we should interfere..."
SERVO: (as Peri) Oh, yeah, 'cause, you know, he's only not
breathing and all. And, like, you're just a doctor or something and
even though we're the good guys, we should just let him bite the big
one.
JOEL: Besides, there's all that dirty, oozing blood to consider.
Icky.
> "Interfere? Of course we should interfere. Always do what
> you're best at. That's what I say..." said the Doctor in
> a vain attempt to be funny.
JOEL: (amazed) You guys, that is every panel of Family Circus
summarized right there.
> "I'm sorry Peri. I'll remove the body" said
> the Doctor, who did as he said, and carried it off to
> presumably stick it under some bush.
JOEL: Crow.
CROW: I didn't say anything!
JOEL: I heard you think it.
CROW: Nerts to you.
> Suddenly, there was a movement in the undergrowth.
> "KNIP! KNIP! KNIP!"
SERVO: Now, which is the proper pronunciation? "Nip! Nip! Nip!" or
"K-nip! K-nip! K-nip!"
CROW: Do you really care?
SERVO: No, I'm trying to distract myself from this story.
> Peri turned, only to see...
CROW: Ernest Borgnine in a thong bikini.
JOEL & SERVO: CROW!
CROW: Distracted you from the story, didn't I?
> "KNIP! KNIP! KNIP!"
SERVO: Hey, guys, did you realize that "knip" is "pink" spelled
backwards?
JOEL: If a character named "Dyolf" shows up later on I think I'll
scream.
CROW: Why doesn't the noise kill Peri? Or at least make her loose
her shirt?
> "Doctor! Help! There are 2 of them!" said Peri,
CROW: (as the Doctor) Yes, I know, Peri, those usually come in
pairs.
JOEL: Crow, honey, I think you're starting to fixate.
> shocked at how high this
> week's extensive budget was.
JOEL: Sadly, it didn't extend to the script.
> "We are the Woodlthrobs!" proclaimed the first
SERVO: I don't think that's much to be proud of.
> "We shall mortify you!"
JOEL: Done, done and done.
> "Doesn't mortify mean embarrass?" suggested Peri
SERVO: (as a Woodlthrob) Whatever.
> "Shut up! We're being Evil"
CROW: At least they don't lay claim to being clever.
> "Doctor!" screamed Peri
> "You must come to be interrogated!"
> With that, they whisked Peri off.
CROW: You know, if you just changed the order of some of the words
in that last paragraph you could...
SERVO: Loose our PG rating?
> A few seconds later, The Doctor rushed in,
JOEL: Rushed into where? I thought they were outside.
> only to see that Peri was
> gone. He rushed forwards,
CROW: He likes to rush.
JOEL: I think he gets a rush from rushing.
> to a red pool of liquid on the
> grass. He extended one finger into it.
> "Is this blood?"
> He tasted it
ALL: (yelling) EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!
> "Mmmmmm... strawberries"
JOEL: (singing) ...fields forever.
SERVO: Ugh, so Peri tastes like strawberry jelly or something?
CROW: (sighing) I've imagined that. Oh, sweet dream come true!
JOEL: This is going to be a rough one.
> Realising his priorities, he rushed off
SERVO: (Seinfeld) What's with the rushing? I don't get it. Where
is this guy going? Why can't he relax and dawdle for a change?
> in what he guessed to be Peri's
> general direction.
SERVO: Does that mean we can go too?
JOEL: Oh yeah...
-- end of part one of the MiSTing --
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