MiSTed: YOUR TICKET TO WEALTH!
TICK
by the Tick
JUSTICE IS SERVED!
*******************************************************************
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
MIKE, CROW and TOM are all wearing combat fatigues (in MIKE's case,
a combat jumpsuit).
CROW & TOM: DEAD BY DAWN! DEAD BY DAWN!
MIKE: Settle down, fellas. Oh, hi, everyone. The mads called us
and told us to suit up--he's got some kind of special
mission for us.
TOM: Hey, Mike, Sargeant Rock and Easy Company are calling.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F is standing in front of a huge flag with the Deep 13 logo on it.
Dr. F is dressed like Patton--FRANK is wearing a set of ill-fitting
fatigues.
Dr. F: At ease, my little strike force. I've got a very special
experiment for you today--some worthless little hacker has
spammed this newsgroup again. Frank! Tell 'em about it,
maggot!
FRANK: SIR! IT'S CALLED "YOUR TICKET TO WEALTH" SIR!
Dr. F: That's right. Now..take 'em out, you goldbrickers! Hut two hut two
hut two hut two...
(SOL)
MIKE: AHHHH! WE GOT SPAMMING SIGN!!
CROW & TOM: DEAD BY DAWN! DEAD BY DAWN!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
CROW & TOM: DEAD BY DAWN!
MIKE: Knock it off, guys. Let's not sink to their level.
>From: Gl...@alpha.dfw.net
CROW & TOM: PREPARE TO DIE!!
MIKE: Relax, guys.
> FUN, TRAVEL & WEALTH AWAIT!
ALL: IN THE AR-MY!
> Join me in an exciting membership that offers fabulous world
>wide vacations.
MIKE: Visit small towns with strange names, like...
CROW: Smegma!
TOM: Spasmotic!
CROW: Frog!
MIKE: And the far-flung Isles of Langerham!
>In addition, our members can purchase (for re-sale
>or to keep) name brand products at or near manufacturer's cost.
TOM: If I asked what these products were, would I regret it?
CROW: Is this one of those things where you have to sell Grit?
>However, the best part of the membership, is that our members can:
CROW: Defy the laws of physics!
>
> BE THEIR OWN BOSS AND EARN A LIFETIME RESIDUAL INCOME OF OVER
> $100,000 PER YEAR!!
MIKE: AND A NEW CAAAAAAR!
CROW & TOM make crowd noise.
>
> THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
> REQUIRES NO INVENTORY INVESTMENT,
TOM: Or intelligence,
> AND TAKES LESS
CROW: Brain cells...
> THAN 1 HOUR PER MONTH TO DO!
MIKE: One hour...hey, I've got an idea! Let's get Mike Wallace on
the phone!
>
>----THIS IS THE BEST "NO HASSLE" PART TIME BUSINESS EVER DESIGNED!----
CROW: No hassle?! What do you call spamming perfectly innocent news-
groups...
>
>HERE ARE SOME HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EXCITING PART TIME BUSINESS:
TOM: Next week on "YOUR TICKET TO WEALTH," Glenn gets caught in a
deadly game of cat and mouse!
>* Get started for less than $30!
MIKE: What's that supposed to buy, a bus ticket?
>* THE INCOME POTENTIAL IS UNLIMITED!!
CROW: BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO _DO?!_
>* No Inventory, No Paperwork, or Quotas!
TOM: No Retreat, No Surrender?
>* Can do this from your home or apartment anywhere in the world!
MIKE: Can do...can do...this guy says the horse can do...
>* The business will not interfere with anything you do now!
TOM: Unless you disobey...then there will be TORTURE!
>* No need to make phone calls, and it's totally discreet!
CROW: All the sex toys are mailed in plain brown wrappers!
>* No need to bother friends or relatives! Company supplies leads!
MIKE: Hey, watch those leads. You could get leads poisoning!
>* Earn Fabulous Vacations from the comfort of your home!
TOM: Iiiiiiiif...the Price is Right!
>* Members enjoy low cost group dental insurance & prescription drugs!
CROW: Ah, prescription drugs. Now the truth comes out. It's DRUGSTORE
COWBOY!
>* No Personal Selling Necessary, our system does the selling for you!
MIKE: Then what are you bugging _us_ for?
>* EASY TO EARN BIG $$$, anyone can do it!
TOM: Yeah, let's learn from _this_ guy's example.
>* Member's unique investment program, will be your ticket to wealth!
CROW: Does _anybody_ know what this guy is talking about?
>* No meetings or presentations are necessary!
TOM: We just keep you in a dark room. Hope the chains don't chafe!
>* Rock-solid, long-term program that will produce a lifetime income!
MIKE: You just gotta whack this one guy, then you're out.
TOM: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
>* YOU CAN MAKE MORE IN ONE MONTH, THAN WORKING ALL YEAR AT A JOB!
CROW: In the exciting world of wholesale crack dealing!
>
> FOR FREE INFORMATION,
MIKE: Write to Pueblo, Colorado, 81009.
>
> AND A FREE $100 TRAVEL GIFT..........
TOM: But I've _got_ a blow dryer.
CROW: It's a _travel_ blow dryer!
>
> Please send a stamped self-addressed, #10 envelope to:
TOM: A #10 envelope? Is that like a #2 pencil?
>
> Glenn Seeker
MIKE: Seeker and ye shall finder!
> P. O. BOX 24469
> FT. WORTH, TX. 76124-1469
CROW: Get your letter-bombs ready!
>
>
> PS: Please NO E-MAIL, or FLAME! THANK YOU!
TOM: I don't think so.
CROW: Crow don't play that!
MIKE: C'mon, boys, let's blow this joint.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
TOM and CROW are typing furiously into a computer.
CROW: ...and...so's...your...mother.
TOM: Isn't that a little harsh, Crow?
CROW: Look, if this Seeker goon can weasel me into reading that
post, he deserves a bit of flame.
MIKE: Gypsy, c'mere for a second. I've got something to send down the
Umbilicus.
GYPSY sidles over and opens wide.
(Deep 13)
FRANK is doing push-ups with Dr. F standing over him.
Dr. F: Move it, slug! Hey, Mike, what's this thing you've sent us
via Umbilicus?
(SOL)
MIKE and the BOTS are grinning and chuckling evilly.
MIKE: Oh, that's just our little response to Glenn's post. Let him know
what we think of him.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: I see...and it's ticking! Why, you little scamps!
(SOL)
CROW: Actually, it's just a stink bomb.
TOM: Yeah, we wanted to use some high-explosives but "Big Brother" here
wimped out.
MIKE: Hey!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Wuss. Push the button, maggot--I mean Frank...
FRANK: Okay. Hey, what's in the box?
Dr. F: FRANK! NO--
(The button gets pushed.)
FRANK: You know, it smells sort of fruity...
Dr. F: Drop and give me twenty, Frank.
************************************************************************
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