MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [6/8]
Chris Mayfield
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>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48128.14
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
>
> I have decided to meet with each side informally. Hopefully, I
>can get to what they really want this way.
> I believe I may have found the lever that I need to move
Crow: The one by the ship to get the page for the green book.
> this
>negotaition towead as solution. Nevolsia has decided not to allow
>StarFleet to renew its lease on Nevolsia Base,
Tom: Starfleet's lost its lease and that means EVERYTHING MUST GO!
> ending a 30 year
>occupancy.
>
> Marrissa walked into the crowded newly reopened Ten-Forward.
Bots: [whistle that showdown thingy and make spur noises]
Mike: [Marrissa] Sel Rahc Selaw, I've done heard that you say yer the
fastest phaser in the quadrant...
>Ross Lochard was working at the bar. Jay Gordon was talking to Clara
>Sutter over in one corner, but Marrissa's object was at the bar,
Crow: Wonderful, understandable booze.
Mike: [Marrissa] Booze doesn't keep any secrets from me.
> Sel
>Rahc Ekael. Marrissa went and sat down beside him. "Strawberry
>Sunday, Ross," she ordered.
> "Coming right up, Captain," Ross replied.
Tom: [Marrissa, defensive] I'm not bulimic!
> "Is Ross serving you alright, Sel Rahc Ekael," Marrissa asked
>turning towards him.
> "All right if you consider this synthale a drink," he
>responded.
Crow: Do you love beer? Have you ever collected a really cool beer
bottle? If you had to choose between beer and child support, which
would it be?
> "Do you really think you can solve this mess?"
> "That depends," Marrissa said. "What are you willing to give
>up for peace?"
Tom: [dumbly] Uh, war?
> "You really want do know don't you?" Sel Rahc Ekael said.
Crow: [Marrissa] Very good, Einstein. That's only what I've spent the
entire fanfic trying to do. You figure that out by yourself?
> He
>leaned over toward Marrissa and wispered, "An asteroid belt and Sobnia,
>but don't tell any one.
Mike: It can be our little secret.
> Of coarse Troac will require something in
>return."
Crow: Like two first round draft picks.
> "Would a starfleet base in orbit be an exceptable exchange?"
>Marrissa asked.
> "Yes," Ekeal said. "But how are you going to get Starfleet to
>put a base there?"
> "Lets say I have ways," Marrissa replied
Tom: [Marrissa] I'm friends with the author. He'd do _anything_ for me.
> recieving her sunday.
>"I'll see you at the table tomarrow."
> Marrissa then got up and took her sunday over to the table in
>the corner with Sel Rahc Selaw.
Mike: He was being moody, drinking cheap beer, and writing beat poetry.
> Before she chould as him if she chould join him Sel Rahc Selaw
>spoke up, "What does it take to get drunk on this ship?"
Crow: Booze: a major plot point in Ratliff's later years.
> "Generally a privite stash of alchol," Marrissa replied. "Ten-
>Forward only serves synthahol.
Tom: It's made from corn and burns cleaner than gasoline.
> It reduces the time its closed for
>repairs."
> "Oh, well," Selaw replied. "What interesting things did Ekael
>have to say?"
Mike: What? Was there something interesting in this fanfic that I
missed?
> "Nothing much,
Mike: Oh. Guess not.
> just how you have a large fleet of warp capable
>cargo ships he wishs he had or chould hire," Marrissa said.
> "The minister of
Tom: Truth?
Crow: Love?
Mike: Peace?
> Trade thought that would be a good use for our
>troop ships after the war," Sel Rahc Selaw said. "But we need so raw
>goods to start with in order to be traders to be reckoned with.
Mike: Or you could blow up their ships and be warriors to be reckoned
with.
> If we
>had the raw materails we would be able to reduce our armies quite
>substancally."
> "Then if the tready gave you these resources you would support
>it?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: Mmmmmmmmaybe. Maybe not.
> "Certainly."
> "Thank you for explaining your governments position," Marrissa
>said, getting up. "You have cleared up a lot
Mike: That Clearasil stuff has done wonders for your skin.
> of questions. See you at
>the table tomarrow."
> Marrissa pushed in her chair and went to join Clara and Jay at
>their table in the middle of Ten-Forward. "Are you two here on a
>date?" Marrissa asked with a smile.
Tom: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Knowhutimean?
> Clara blushed and said, "Yes and Vulcans lie habitally."
> "Just joking Clara, Jay," Marrissa said. "I was trying to get
>back at Jay for that Risa quip earlier."
Mike: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
> "He still hasn't learnt not to call you that?" Clara said.
> "I think he learnt too well that I HATE that nickname,"
Crow: Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa!
Mike: [grabbing Crow] Ok. That's enough.
>Marrissa said. "How is Alexander enjoying his time in command, Jay?"
> "He says it is good practice for running the House of Mog," Jay
>replied.
Mike: The latest polls have him doing better than the incumbent.
> "I take that means he loves it," Marrissa replied.
> "Of coarse," Jay replied.
> "How is the Mediation going?" Clara asked.
> "If I can get a Starfleet base at Troac,"
Tom: Then I'll have a monopoly!
> Marrissa began, "I
>believe I can solve the problem. However to do that I need the support
>of four of the seven members of the Starfleet Base location board."
> "I think my grandma, Admiral Ocie Epperly, can help," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Convenient plot twist coming in on runway 3.
> "Jay you mean that your grandmother is the Chief of StarFleet
>Engineering, not only a member of the board
Tom: [Marrissa] But a client, too?
> but the chair?" Marrissa
>said.
> "Yes," Jay replied innocently.
> "Then you have an assignment Jay," Marrissa said.
All: [hum Mission: Impossible theme]
> "Convince
>her that a base at Troac would be a good idea. I want approval of this
>base confirmed by tomarrow morning. I all ready know that Admirals
>Okie,
All: From Muskogee!
Crow: Hey, there's an Admiral Okie and an Admiral Ocie!
Mike: Wow, Crow, that's really...something.
> McGuire, and Necheyev will support it. Okie because he will do
>almost anything to end this mess.
Tom: This mess known as Who Q? Where Q?
> McGuire and Necheyev want a modern
>base in this sector and this would do that."
> "You know your admirals," Jay replied.
Mike: Not a word, you guys.
> "Not as well as I'd like to,"
Mike: Especially now.
> Marrissa said. "Before Clara has
>to go to the bridge we have a little ships business to attend to. Jay,
>your parents are transfering to the Independence.
Tom: [Jay] How do you know that? They haven't got any orders yet!
Crow: [Marrissa] I have my ways...now do what I said!
> Captain Morris has
>informed me that she wants you to form a Kid's Crew on board as soon as
>you arrive."
> "Are you sure someone doesn't have a better Kobayshi Maru
>time?" Jay said nevrously.
Tom: I AM SO SICK OF THE WHOLE KOBAYSHI MARU LINE OF REASONING!! IT'S A
NO-WIN SITUATION!! NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU LAST, YOU LOSE!! HEAR THAT,
MARRISSA?? YOU'RE A LOSER!! YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE IS BASED ON FLAWED
LOGIC!! IF YOU HAD ANY COMMAND CAPABILITY AT ALL YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
YOUR CREW THE HELL AWAY FROM THE NEUTRAL ZONE ON THE SECOND TIME
THROUGH THE THING INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SEE HOW MUCH MORE TIME YOU CAN
SQUEEZE OUT BEFORE THE ENEMY RUBS OUT THE LIVES OF ALL THOSE ENTRUSTED
TO YOU!! GET A CLUE!!!! [gasps, then slumps over]
Mike: Tommy? Are you okay?
Tom: [softly] It hurts, Mike.
Mike: [holding him] I know, I know...
> "Listen to him, Marrissa," Clara said. "A nineteen minute
>forty-two second time the forth best time in the federation, and he is
>worried that someone -- some kid -- beating it."
Crow: Or finding out what a flimsy plot device it is.
> "Not likely at all," Marrissa said. "The only people with
>better times are myself, Captain Morris, and Admiral Necheyev. But
>back to business, Clara of coarse will be my new first officer, but who
>will replace her as second officer and Cheif Engineer?"
> "Alexander would make a fine number
Crow: I am not a number! I am--oh forget it...
> two intill you can arrange
>a test," Jay replied.
> "I agree," Clara said.
Mike: Marrissa and her yes men hold a meeting.
> "OK, Alexander for second officer," Marrissa said. "Clara, who
>do suggest to fill the Chief Engineer's position?"
> "Shayna Sachs, but she will need some training," Clara replied.
Tom: Such as "What is a circuit?" and "How do wheels work?"
>"I would like to continue to some of the Engineering drills though."
> "That's your priviledge as first officer," Marrissa replied.
>"How much training do you think she will need?"
Mike: Hmm. Most people attend Starfleet Academy for at least four years.
> "Give her six months and she will be ready," Clara said. "If
>she tones down the practical jokes.
Crow: No more filling the Vulcans' sleeping quarters with laughing gas.
> It would have taken less but I had
>no idea I'd be leaving the department."
Mike: Under a cloud of shame.
> "I'll agree with Clara's selection and the remark concerning
>the practical jokes," Jay said.
> "Then it's settled," Marrissa said.
Tom: Applebee's for lunch it is!
> "Clara you better get to
>the Bridge. As Lieutenant Commander LaForge says 'It doesn't look good
>for the C.O. to be late.'"
Tom: When did he say that?
Mike: I'm sure he did, somewhere. Ratliff probably has the episodes
completely memorized, identified by season, number, and title, and all
taped and ordered on a shelf in his room.
Crow: What a loser.
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48131.27
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
>
> Having recieved word from the StarFleet Base Location Board of
>the approaval of the new Deep Space Thirteen at Troac, I am about to
>spring an agreement on the Sel Rahc that no side will be able to object
>to ... I hope and pray.
>
> "Good Morning everyone," Marrissa said
Crow: Gooooood Moooorniiiing, unstable Balkan colonies!
> entering the room in
>dress uniform, which she had never done before. (She hates the
>uniform's collar.)
Tom: What's with the sudden intrusion of the author?
Mike: Ratliff's getting just a little too personal with Marrissa for my
comfort.
> The Sel Rahcs looked up expectantly.
> "You seem cheerful this morning," Sel Rahc Akros observed.
> "Yes," Marrissa rerplied. "I beleive I have found a solution
Mike: To Fermat's last theorem in strictly Euclidean space.
>to this problem that everyone can agree with."
> "HUMPH, I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT," Sel Rahc Ekael said, in
>his usual tone.
Crow: I.e., loud.
> "I'll outline the plan while you read it, no interuptions
>please," Marrissa began her umpteenth proposal, some what nervously.
>"Bresa and Troac wht withdreaw their troops within a week from the
>signing of this document. Troac will recieve the Starfleet Base which
>Nevolsia no longer wants. Bresa will take over proctectorateship of
>the Eceerg Astroid Belt.
Mike: Beware of Keergs bearing tfigs.
> A commitee consisting of two repressentives
>from each planet plus one elected from the non planeatry bound
>inhabitants,
Crow: Is that the Virginia or the New Jersey plan?
> will be set up for the medaitation of disputes and other
>insystem problems. Objections, comments, proposed mocifications?
>Troac?"
> "MY PLANET CAN'T WITHDAWAL WITHIN THAT TIME LIMIT," Sel Rahc
>Ekael blustered. "BRESA HAS DESTORYED TOO MANY OF OUR SHIPS."
Mike: AND THEY BROKE OUR KEYBOARDS SO THEY'RE STUCK IN ALL-CAPS MODE.
> "If you will direct you attention to article two section two,"
>Marrissa replied, "You will note that the withdrawal will be over seen
>by various StarFleet Vessels, some of which can, WILL transport a
>portion of each side. Any other objections?"
Tom: I object to this entire story.
> "No."
> "Bresa?"
> "No objections here as long as you transportation assistance
>extends to the Bres," Sel Rack Selaw said in a monotone.
Crow: Must remain bland.
> "It does," Marrissa replied.
> "Then Bresa will be happy to put its signature on this
>document," Selaw finished.
> "Sobnia?"
> "I'm speech less, I never thoght I'd see the day," Sel Rahc
>Akros said with tears in her eyes. "This is everything that I had
>hoped for."
Mike: And less.
> "Since all of you are eager to sign this tready, we will set up
>a signing before the press at 1600 hours in Ten Forward I Will See you
>There," Marrissa replied exiting the room.
Tom: [Marrissa] I'd better get outta here before they read the small
print!
> As she left the room she
>thought in great relief, 'This medaition sure has been trying. Trying
>but worth it, defanantly worth it. Perhaps a bubble bath
Crow: I'll see if Alexander's interested.
Mike: CROW!
Tom: [sniffing] Ratliff's little girl is growing up. It seems like just
yesterday she was a young ill-defined character.
Mike: She still is.
Tom: See what I mean.
> and a
>strawberry shake would refresh myself before the signing -- but I'll
>problablly be called to the bridge."
Mike: While Marrissa takes a warm bath, I think Ratliff should take a
cold shower.
>
>
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>
> The sixth and final dawn appeared in the east over Old Castle.
>Captain Picard was once again in the New Castle tower.
Tom: Old Castle, New Castle, Green River, Blue River; someone needs to
invent the proper noun quick.
> Picard was not
>up watching the sunrise when the bells of Saint Paul's rang out,
Mike: [singing] But the music of their ringing, and music of our
singing...
>calling people to mourning Mass.
Tom: You mean a requiem?
Crow: Today has just been one long Dies Irae.
Mike: Amen to that.
> His attention was taken up by the
>five ships which sailed up the Green. as the bells tolled
Tom: For whom are the bells tolling?
Mike: Ask not, for they toll for you.
> the five
>ships unloaded troops right above the Romulan camp. Accross the Blue,
>canoes entered the water, delievering a second force from accross the
>water.
Mike: Meanwhile, Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow developed the Third
Force.
> A line of soildeirs formed between the rivers.
> Meanwhile the ships had left the shore and were proceeding down
>stream. As they passed the Romulan camp they took a couple potshots at
>it. Before Riker chould charge, several Romulans approached the line
>under a flag of truce.
Crow: [Riker] Stupid peace loving Romulans! I never have any fun!
>
> "Commander, we wish to surrender and ask for terms," The
>Romulan asked.
> "Commander out of curiousity why are you surrendeing," Riker
>asked.
Tom: [Romulan] We figure it'll get us out of this story faster.
> "Suddenly it seemed to be useless to continue," the Romulan
>Commander said, after amoment. "A Hopeless battel is bad enough, but
>one for the amusement of a superbeing is just plain crazy."
Mike: Is that a scathing commentary on the nature of God?
Crow: No.
> "I've found that to be true as well," Commander Riker said.
>"You will be interested to know that this time, Q, the local
>superbeing, is doing this in order to perpare a term paper on humanity
>and our Captain."
Mike: [Romulan] Well, that makes all our deaths worth it then.
> Q's voice rang out, "Get it right Commander, my book
>_Humanity,_Captain_Picard's_Race_, will be published by Nevolsia Press
>next April."
> "Romulus is going to enjoy this report," the Romulan Commander
>said.
>
> Later taht day, Captain T'Gwen Washington rushed into the map
>room of New Castle.
Tom: For some strange reason, she was bringing coals.
> Captain Picard and Commander Riker were there
>spectuclating on how Marrissa was doing
Crow: Is there much of a bonds market on Marrissa?
Tom: [Riker] I'll purchase a Marrissa at 3.4% annual interest.
> in command of the Enterprise.
>"I think she is having a hard time," Commander Riker said. "After all
>she has no experance at diplomatic negoitation."
Mike: That never stopped Captain Kirk.
> "I don't agree, Number One," Captain Picard said. "After all
>she has a B+ in TACT 360 Diplomatic Negoitation."
Crow: Gosh, that's much better than actual experience!
> "Captain Picard," Captain Washington interupted, "I have word
>from my intelligence agents.
Mike: [T'Gwen] "Perforation." We're not sure what they meant by that.
> My fellow Vulcans report that the
>Romulans are returning to attack us within the hour."
> "I expected that," Captain Picard said. "Commander Riker
>status of the walls?"
Tom: [Riker] Brick.
> "All manned and ready, Captain," Riker replied.
> "How did you know they would return?" T'Gwen asked.
Mike: [Poirot] I used my little grey cells.
> "It was too easy," Picarad replied. "Q usally provides more of
>a challange. So how do you think my daughter is doing in command of
>the Enterprise's diplomatic mission?"
> "Is this the same girl who distroyed the Romulan Woarbird at
>Neptune?" the half-Vulcan asked.
>
Crow: I guess now we'll never know.
Tom: [flatly] Boo-hoo.
> In the Battle field before SOuth Gate the Romulans charged with
>ladders and stockpiled weapons. Data's archers were ready. A full
>fifth of the Romulans failed to reach the Wall. When they got their
>they
Tom: Their they?
Crow: I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.
> put their ladders up to the wall, ingoring the two foot wide and
>widing stream that LaForge had dug next to the Wall. Water flowed
>quickly from the Blue to a waterfall into the Green.
Tom: I'm having trouble resolving all that.
Mike: Think of it as an Escher drawing.
> Placeing their
>ladders so that the base was about 3 feet away from the wall they began
>there assent. As the stream widened the Romulans were knock off their
>ladders into the swift flowing stream down the waterfall into the
>Green.
Crow: These Romulans must have been trained in the arts of war by the
Trakce.
> Soon the Romulans retreated. The men of South Gate suffered no
>casaultes. The Romulans lost 50 %.
Tom: Nice they could prorate the battle.
>
> Inside the Map room, LaForge was explain how his plan worked.
Mike: And he was explain his own unique verb structure.
>"The new stream was built in a rock bed extending from the Blue to the
>Green. It improves the defenses of the south wall," LaForge stated.
> "What about the Gate?" Riker asked.
Mike: The Pearly Gate?
Tom: The Golden Gate?
Crow: Gate McFadden?
> "A drawbridge should restore the gate," Laforge replied.
> At that moment Q arrived in Starfleet dress uniform," It's nice
>to see all of you made it," he stated dryly.
Mike: [Q] I'm being ironic, though I'm not exactly sure about what.
> "I assume this means you are about to return us to the
>Enterprise?" Captain Picard asked.
Tom: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
> "Certainly Jean-Luc," Q replied. "You will be returned as soon
>as I finish taking to you. Marrissa has requested that I arrange your
>arrival in a certain manner.
Crow: [Q] I think she called it "abject humiliation."
> I have seen fit to grant her request."
> "So she impressed you," Commander Riker said.
> "I said nothing of the sort," Q replied indignatly. "Now on to
>those arrival arrangements.
Tom: Put on these clown suits.
> The crews from the Miranda Class vessels
>will return to there ships as they left but a week later. However the
>Enterprise is a differant matter. The Command Crew will appear in
>front of the main viewscreen. The rest of the crew will appear in
>their quarters. Any Questions?"
Mike: Will this be on the final?
> "Any thing we should know about the situation on the
>Enterprise," Captain Picard said.
> "No, Marrissa will be beriefing you
Tom: In the mourning?
> when you arrive with
>Admiral Okie via subspace," Q replied. "I wanted to bring him to the
>Enterprise but he politely refused." He sighed. "Any thing else?"
> As the Enterprise Crew had no more questions they disappeared
>in a flash.
Tom: Let's disappear too.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Tom and Crow appear to be in some sort of mystical garb. On the desk is
a rather blurry freeze frame of Marrissa from "Disaster." They are
chanting when Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, whatcha guys doing?
Tom: Silence, mortal! Do not interrupt our religious ceremony for our
beloved god.
Crow: Yeah, dork.
Mike: And who is your beloved god?
Crow: The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-smelling [heavy reverb] MARRISSA!
Mike: Come off it. Marrissa isn't a god.
Tom: You would like to think that, wouldn't you, Unbeliever? Well, who
commands the Enterprise?
Mike: Marrissa.
Crow: Who happens to have everything work out just perfectly for her,
even to the point of defying the laws of physics and probability?
Mike: Um, Marrissa.
Tom: Who created humanity?
Mike: Now wait--
Crow: Reflect on verse 3:16 from the Gospel according to Ratliff: For
Marrissa so lovd the world. taht SHe gave her only begoten parents so
that whosoever beleived in Her chould have ever lasting life.
Tom: Come, Michael, help us render our burnt offerings up to Her.
Mike: But I don't believe that--
Crow: Yeah, but you're the only one of us with functional arms.
Mike: All right. What do I do?
Tom: Take these Star Wars figures and set 'em on fire.
Mike: No!
Crow: Please?
Mike: No, for I am a firm believer in the Holy Trinity of Anakin, Luke,
and Leia.
Tom: [gasping] You don't mean--!
Mike: Yes! I am a Lucasian!
[A moment of stunned silence from the bots until:]
Crow: JIHAD!
[Tom and Crow leap on Mike. All three fall behind the desk and scuffle
for a few seconds before the commercial sign lights flash.]
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 7]