[MSTing] End of Mobius, Part 1 (5 of 6)
Shay Caron
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"End of Mobius, Part 1", by Dave Bulmer
MSTing by Shay Caron (glee...@aol.com)
http://protection.keenspace.com/
Part 5 of 6
[ Satellite of Love. Tom and Crow stand next to each other, each of them
wearing a burgundy fez. ]
TOM: Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Today my colleague Crow and I
would like to discuss currently popular music, pejoratively referred to
as "pop".
CROW: You are so right, brother Servo. We wish to raise a few questions about
this art form, and we hope you will discuss them with your family and
friends at home.
TOM: True, true. Let's begin.
[ The lights dim quite a bit. The 'bots speak each of the following lines very
seriously. ]
CROW: Does Fred Durst realize he's actively advertising that his bizkit is
limp? Is he doing this on purpose? Is he proud of his bizkit?
TOM: Is "bootylicious" actually a real word? Would I be able to find it in
even a single respectable dictionary? I think not.
CROW: N'Sync released a song some time ago entitled "Bye Bye Bye". So why are
they still here?
TOM: Whatever happened to those three Hanson brothers? Are they still even
alive? And what of the Spice Girls, a group with approximately equal
talent?
CROW: Is Moby still bald?
TOM: What would you get if you multiplied Sum 41 by Blink 182?
CROW: The prevalence of cartoon bands such as Prozzak and Gorillaz: good idea
or really neat? And why can't they spell their names correctly? Why does
Korn have the same problem?
TOM: Where's my other sock?
[ The lights go back up. ]
CROW: Thank you for listening, folks. We hope some of the issues we've
addressed have sparked ideas in your own minds.
MIKE: [ enters stage left with a CD player and headphones, humming a tune to
himself ]
CROW: Oh, hello, Mike! What're you listening to?
TOM: No doubt one of the more recent music CDs put out by such artists as
They Might Be Giants or Metallica.
MIKE: Hm? [ takes the headphones off ] No, actually, right now I've got Ralph
Vaughn Williams's "Folk Song Suite" playing. [ puts the headphones back
on and exits stage right ] Dah-dah-dah, dun dun, dun dun, dah-dah-dah,
dah-dah-dah, dun dun, dun dun, dun dah...
[ A pause. ]
TOM: Huh.
[ A pause. ]
CROW: Well.
[ A pause. ]
TOM: Say, did you know Beethoven was deaf?
CROW: Get out of town and take a bus!
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
TOM: We'll be glad to provide you all with many more intriguing musical
facts, right after--
BOTS: MOVIE SIGN!!!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
MIKE: Dah dah-dah dun dah dah dah dun dun dah...
TOM: Will you take those *off* already?!
MIKE: Oh, sorry. [ puts his headphones away ]
> 3
> Robotnik's Victory
CROW: *Gee*, I wonder what's going to happen in *this* section.
> The gigantic Death Egg, hundreds of times larger than ever
> before, loomed over the sea, casting its shadow down upon the waves,
> making them seem dark and unwelcoming. The eyes on the side of the Death
> Egg grew brighter still,
MIKE: [ Death Egg ] We get to go visit Grandma! Yaaay!
> and finally, when the light had reached its
> peak and the two figures in the Freedom Plane were having to shield
> their eyes from its glare, every last glimmer of light contained in the
> eyes was let free.
BOTS: [ both make a loud "braaaaap", then burst into giggles ]
MIKE: [ shakes his head, saying nothing ]
> A vast energy beam generated by the Super Emeralds
> burst out of the eyes, and vanished behind the wreckage of the Great
> Forest. A vast explosion in the distance marked its landing.
> The radio in the Freedom Plane crackled into life with Tails'
> voice.
CROW: [ radio announcer voice ] You're being vaporized to light jazz on WMBS.
> "Sonic, *FIZZZZZZZ*
TOM: [ Sonic ] Tails, put down your soda and say what you have to say!
> There's been... *CCRAKKL* in the Greenhill
> Zone,
MIKE: Damn that pesky ccrakkl, always there when you least expect it!
> come qui*fffuuZZZZZZZZZZZZ* Amy's trapped, *ZZZZZZZZZZZ*gging
TOM: Take off every zigging.
MIKE: Make that reference again and I'll smack you so hard all your duplicates
will feel it.
> her
> out right now, we *ZUVVVVV*r help, as quickly as po..." Metallix shot a
> thin beam of power at the plane's radio, which exploded in a shower of
> sparks.
CROW: [ Sonic ] You know, you could've just asked us to change the station.
> "You'll pay for this, Robotnik," Sonic yelled. The plane turned
> and flew off, over the charred remains of the Great Forest and towards
> the Greenhill Zone, where the Super Emeralds' beam had landed. Robotnik
> laughed as they went.
MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Hee hee, Sonic has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!
> This time he would not fail. This time Mobius was
> his.
> The Greenhill Zone was in ruins. Worse than any of them had
> thought. The ground was torn to shreds by the earthquake, most of it
> piled up on top of other vast plates of land.
TOM: The Greenhill Zone has become a giant layer cake!
CROW: They're gonna have to call it the Green*shard* Zone now.
> Some civilians were
> trapped in between plates. Others desperately ran around inside their
> burning homes, trying to find a way out. A vast crater, full of scorched
> animal remains
ALL: Eeeww! Oh, yuck!
MIKE: Gross!
CROW: Should we be seeing this?!
> had been cut in the land by the Super Emeralds' power.
TOM: I thought this was a children's show!
MIKE: Well, David's got the violence. He just needs some gratuitous sex and he
can get a movie made.
> The remainder of the citizens were screaming, trying to protect their
> crying children. The few children still alive inside the vast crater
> were trapped in by a ring of flames around its edge.
CROW: Oh, leave the children out of your sick story, David!
> Everywhere Freedom
> Fighters were trying to save as many civilians as possible, but the
> struggle wasn't going well. Flames covered everything from the ground to
> the sky,
MIKE: Is he saying the *sky* was on fire?
BOTS: Apocalypse!! It's the apocalypse!! [ Both 'bots start running around the
theater, screaming. ]
> and the earthquake had only just stopped. The ground was still
> very weak, and liable to collapse underfoot.
> "Sonic!"
MIKE: Go away! You'll only make things worse!
> Sonic heard Tails' call from somewhere behind a wall of
> earth, warped by the quake.
MIKE: Guys? Please sit down. [ The 'bots do, meekly. ]
> Sonic and Knuckles climbed the earth pile to
> see Tails digging at the ground under it. A single gloved hand lay on
> the floor, the rest of the body must have been stuck underneath the
> pile.
TOM: [ ominous voice ] They *hoped*.
> They both jumped off, afraid to hurt whoever was under there, and
> landed next to Tails.
> "It's Amy! She got stuck in the earthquake!" Sonic didn't need
> telling twice.
CROW: [ Sonic ] Let's go. This problem will take care of itself.
> He jumped into a super spin, then directed his spinning
> body into the ground, digging underneath the crushed Amy Rose. She was
> okay, but very badly hurt all the same.
MIKE: She's fine, except for all those injuries 'n' stuff.
TOM: She felt perfectly healthy, but her arms and legs were all broken.
> Sonic continued digging, and
> Knuckles joined in. He was reminded of the last tunnel they had built.
> That was a terrifying experience.
CROW: You're gonna have to trust me on that, because I can't show it any more
subtly.
> As the tunnel went on, it became clear that a lot of people had
> been trapped under the ground. A lot of them had given up hope and were
> dieing, but none were dead...
TOM: [ ominous voice ] *Yet*. Mu-wu-ha-ha-ha--
> yet.
TOM: --ha. Ahem. Crud.
> They continued the dig, directed by
> screams or hints from other survivors.
CROW: Hints?! He makes it sound like a party game. [ snicker ]
MIKE: [ Mobian ] Take twenty paces north from the blood stain shaped like a
giant X...
TOM: [ Mobian ] Okay, first word... sounds like "pig"--look, you can leave
"dig" out of it. I think that's implied.
> As they went they occasionally
> went up for air, where more Freedom Fighters and civilian volunteers
> joined in the dig. Within twenty minutes, all five hundred survivors
> were digging, trying to find any more people.
> Sonic felt something strange above him.
CROW: [ Sonic ] Johnny, get *off*!
> Like a movement, but not
> quite.
TOM: I'm sorry, can you be a little more vague?
CROW: Like a... thing, only... sort of.
> His eyes widened as he realised what was happening. "WATCH OUT,"
> he screamed, pulling as many people towards him as he could,
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Get close! The author won't *dare* kill *me* off!
TOM: [ ominous voice ] Little does he know! Mu-wu-ha-ha-ha--
MIKE: Will you stop with that ominous voice already?!
TOM: [ ominous voice ] Oh, I'll stop, all right. Heh heh heh...
MIKE: [ sigh ] Never mind.
> but it was
> too late. Another pulse of pure death
CROW: So the beam eats curry and likes cats?
MIKE: I wasn't aware that Death *had* a pulse.
> smashed into the ground from the
> Death Egg's eyes, and the tunnel roof caved in. He could do nothing to
> stop the deaths. People screamed as hundreds of tons of earth charged
> with Emerald force crushed their bodies into pulp.
TOM: Oh, yuck!
MIKE: Geez!
CROW: I keep thinking we're watching Starship Troopers.
TOM: God forbid.
> Only the Freedom
> Fighters leading the dig and a few citizens were left alive, bringing
> their numbers down to a mere one hundred, all tunnelling for the right
> to their lives.
MIKE: If their lives passed before their eyes, what do you think they'd see?
CROW: [ Sonic ] Video game, video game, cartoon, video game, comic book,
cartoon, video game, video game... Man, my life sucked.
TOM: [ random Mobian ] My life's flashing before my... wait a minute... I
didn't exist before this story!
> They began to dig their tunnel upwards. If they didn't get out
> of this tunnel and get some air fast, they would surely die. One hundred
> people inside a thin underground cavern with no supply of oxygen was a
> serious health risk.
MIKE: May cause cancer or asthma in young people. Not to be taken orally.
> When they finally surfaced, the animals were crying
> and gasping for breath. They climbed out into what used to be the
> Greenhill Zone, but was now just a pile of ash, the occasional piece of
> a structure, and the odd flame.
MIKE: Man, that is one odd flame.
TOM: It's bizarre!
> Ivo Julian Robotnik
TOM: So his original middle name was Nailuj?
> screamed with evil laughter as he watched
> them on a screen. The sound of his voice was projected over the whole of
> South Island from a giant loudspeaker inside the Death Egg's "mouth".
CROW: [ Robotnik ] *crackle* *buzz* Is this thing on? HELLO, MOBIUS! Are you
ready to die?
MIKE, TOM: [ Mobians ] Yeeaaaahhh!!
CROW: [ Robotnik ] I can't hear you! *Are* *you* *ready* *to* *DIE*?!
MIKE, TOM: [ Mobians ] YEEAAAAHHH!!
> "Now I shall finish you off once and for all, Freedom Fighters!
> With your energy drained and your will to live lost forever! Time to end
> this!"
MIKE: He talks like he's in Dragonball Z.
CROW: How do we know he isn't?
> He flicked the loudspeaker off and turned to the Metallix, who
> had now joined him in his ship.
TOM: [ Robotnik ] Aahhh! Don't sneak up on me like that!
> "Metallix, deploy Troopers to kill every
> living creature in the Greenhill Zone.
MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Or, if you prefer, find some robots that'll actually do it
*right*.
> I shall move into the Death Egg
> and systematically destroy each and every Zone of Mobius in a similar
> fashion. Go."
CROW: [ Robotnik ] Just move the stinking checker already. We both know that's
your only choice.
> The Metallix nodded and flew out of the black ship via a door in
> its side. Robotnik steered his ship into the Death Egg through a small
> slot, where it clicked perfectly into position, filling the slit
> exactly.
TOM: You see, when a Death Egg and an Eggomatic love each other very much...
> He left the ship, tossed his yellow cape over his shoulders and
> made his way to the drive room.
> Grimer sat at the main control desk, chuckling wickedly. He had
> been killed by those Freedom Fighters once before,
MIKE: ...Um, what?
CROW: [ Grimer ] Come on, reincarnation, work your magic!
> and now he was
> getting his revenge.
> "Eggscellent work, Grimer,"
ALL: Aargh!
> Robotnik congratulated, throwing
> Grimer out of the chair and sitting in it himself. "That will be all."
> "Yes, Master." Grimer crept away
MIKE: [ Grimer ] If I'm going to fill in for Snively, I'd better act the part.
[ extremely whiny voice ] Oh please don't hurt me, Master.
> to prepare the Super Emeralds
> for more energy bursts.
BOTS: [ cough, cough, ahem ]
> Robotnik pressed a button on the arm of the
> seat, and the screen that covered the wall switched to show twenty
> different viewpoints. Scrolling through them with the same button,
> Robotnik eventually found what he was looking for:
CROW: A triple patty melt.
> the Greenhill Zone.
> He zoomed-in, and the image grew to fill the screen. An evil leer spread
> across his face as he saw the seventy SBS Troopers surround the Freedom
> Fighters and the civilians with them. He pressed the same button again
MIKE: Pushing the button over and over won't make the elevator come any
faster, dear.
> and scrolled to the next Zone on the list of surveillance points. It was
> the Aquatic Ruin Zone. Robotnik grinned, and pressed another, larger
> button. The Death Egg's eyes began to glow once more. This time, Ivo
> Robotnik was in control...
MIKE: [ Robotnik ] I control the horizontal, I control the vertical.
> "My stars..." Bunnie gasped.
CROW: My god, it's full of stars!
TOM: That should be "*Mah* stars".
> Given the circumstances it was all
> she could think of to say as she saw the multicoloured beam slam into
> the Aquatic Ruin Zone in the distance, wiping it out completely in one
> vast explosion.
MIKE: Who'd have thought an aquatic zone would be so flammable?
> "The Aquatic Ruin!" Knuckles cried. Someone had to do something
> about it. There were people living there, just like the Greenhill Zone.
> "I'll go and sort that out.
CROW: Not much left to sort!
> Sonic, you stay here and fight off these
> goons." Knuckles left along with fifty people, leaving the rest to deal
> with the Troopers.
> Sonic leapt into the air and came crashing down on one of the
> Troopers.
TOM: [ Sonic ] I wanna piggyback ride!
> It staggered backwards, off guard for a few seconds. Sonic
> took his opportunity and tore off the head of the Trooper. Lifting the
> head into the air he tossed it forwards into the chest of a second
> Trooper, who fell backwards into a third. All three Troopers promptly
> exploded.
MIKE: For crying out loud, a three-toed sloth could defeat these robots!
> Another beam of power burst out of the Death Egg and hit the
> nearby Emerald Hill Zone, destroying it in a ball of flames.
TOM: That's just the Greenhill Zone with a slightly different name!
CROW: You're just recycling zones at this point, David!
> "Sonic, there's no way we can keep up with this," Amy panted.
> "This is it. Robotnik's really gonna destroy everything this time!
> There'll be nothing left!"
MIKE: No Taco Bell, no shoe store, no cheddar cheese, no smiley faces,
nothing left!
> "She's right," Tails agreed. "We've got no chance against him!
> We're all doomed!" Another explosion marked the demise of yet another
> Zone. Sonic was past caring which one. He knew they were right. The days
> of hope for the Freedom Fighters were over.
CROW: Geez, this would *really* be a depressing story if I cared.
> Soon Robotnik would have
> control of all South Island, and there would be no more Mobius left. At
> the start of his reign Robotnik had wanted all of Mobius at his command.
> Now he had almost all of it, there was only one minor problem to sort
> out, and that was
TOM: Where he left the car keys.
> the Freedom Fighters. Now it was personal. There was
> only one option. Robotnik had to be stopped.
ALL: Huh?
MIKE: What happened to that big "there's no hope left" speech?
CROW: Make up your mind! Is there hope or isn't there?
> "Listen," Amy said, "me and the gang can sort out these Troopers
> and the people in the zones. Sonic, I suggest you go and find Knuckles
> and the two of you go up there and fight Robotnik personally. You're our
> best men,
MIKE: [ Amy ] I know it's pathetic, but it's the truth!
> and if he isn't stopped he's just gonna keep killing people!"
> Sonic nodded and sped off across the destroyed South Island. Soon he had
> caught up with Knuckles.
TOM: [ Sonic ] You dropped your wallet.
> "Knuckles, there's been a change of plan. We're going to go
> fight Robotnik." Knuckles' eyes widened in disbelief. "Us? Me and you?
> What chance do we have?"
CROW: [ Knuckles ] It's almost like they're trying to get rid of us.
> "We have to give it a shot. It's South Island's only chance."
> Before he could reply, Knuckles heard another explosion coming
> from the Greenhill Zone.
MIKE: Grandpa, just get away from the gas stove, please!
> However, it was far to small to be caused by
> the Death Egg.
CROW: Oh, good, it's just Tails and his fireworks.
> They ran towards the source of the explosion, leaving
> Knuckles' men clearing up the Aquatic Ruin.
CROW: Were they planning on doing something other than *running* *around* any
time soon?
> When they reached the south end of Greenhill they could see what
> had caused the explosion. Robotnik had sent down an SBS Trooper inside
> his Squeeze Tag machine.
TOM: A bizarre variant of the standard game played in schoolyards.
> The Squeeze Tag was a more powerful version of
> the Eggomatic, lines on the top with spikes and with two long, powerful
> arms attached, capable of crushing even the strongest substances.
MIKE: But of course it will be incapable of harming Sonic.
TOM: Sure! We all are!
> Sonic
> remembered all too well how this fearsome vehicle had destroyed the
> secret base back when Knuckles was still on Robotnik's side. Knuckles
> remembered it too, all too well.
[ Everyone snickers for a moment. ]
> The Squeeze Tag was destroying
> buildings with single sweeps of its arms.
CROW: All too well.
> It was wiping out the few
> remaining buildings in the Greenhill Zone.
MIKE: All too well.
> More Troopers were dragging
> the civilians who had been hiding the buildings across the smouldering
> ground.
ALL: All too well.
> Sonic wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead and leapt into the
> air, where he curled up into a ball, so that he landed on the ground in
> a slight spin and began to roll.
BOTS: [ singing ] Rollin', rollin', rollin'...
> He sped over the hill and down towards
> the Troopers. Bowling through them he smacked into the side of the
> Squeeze Tag machine. The driver tried his best to keep the vehicle
> steady in the air
MIKE: [ robot ] And I thought being a chauffeur would be an *easy* job!
> as Sonic bounced off it again and again. Knuckles was
> busy fighting the Troopers, but he soon joined in with Sonic. The Tag
> Squeeze was about to give in...
TOM: [ ominous voice ] Or so they--
MIKE: Ahem.
TOM: [ high-pitched voice ] Thought.
> Suddenly, Sonic felt a sharp pain in his back. The pain went all
> the way round to his chest, and it made him writhe in agony. Looking
> down at his bleeding chest he saw five metal fingers poking out of his
> skin.
ALL: Yaagh!
MIKE: That's just--eew!
CROW: Was all this violence in the original version of the story?
TOM: When this was originally written, the authors were twelve.
CROW: You've just answered my question.
> He heard a laugh behind him, and knew at once it was a Metallix.
> The Metallix threw him to the floor. Sonic just had time to see the
> Metallix ram its hand into Knuckles' back before he blacked out.
CROW: It's entirely possible that I'll be ill.
MIKE: Crow, you don't even have internal organs. Don't worry.
> Knuckles stumbled to the ground, the pain in his back taking
> over his senses. He could hear the pain, smell the pain.
MIKE: See the pain.
TOM: *Be* the pain.
> The Metallix's
> hand hadn't gone right the way through, but it had injured him very
> badly. He clutched his chest and tottered dizzily on the blackened
> grass. The Squeeze Tag lashed out with one of its hands.
CROW: [ Squeeze Tag ] You're it!
TOM: [ Squeeze Tag ] No! Bad Knuckles!
> The hand
> smacked into Knuckles' head, and he flew backwards to land on Sonic. He
> couldn't figure out what had happened.
MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Duhhhh...
> The pain screamed in his ears and
> lurched in his chest. His limbs were jolting every now and again in
> painful spasms, and he didn't know what was going on as the Squeeze Tag
> moved above them.
ALL: [ Knuckles ] Duhhhh...
> A long spike jutted out of the underbelly of the Tag Squeeze and
> sliced through Knuckles' chest and into Sonic's.
TOM: Oh, ick!
CROW: Wow, so this is how he dies.
TOM: Kind of anticlimactic.
MIKE: Oh well, not like we care.
>
> 4
ALL: What?!
TOM: Come on! They've *got* to be dead after all *that*!!
CROW: Two words: "Todd Fox".
TOM: Ah yes.
> MetalAxe
MIKE: Much more effective than those styrofoam axes they tried for a while.
> The next thing Sonic knew was that
TOM: Pi is defined as the ratio of any circle's circumference to its
diameter.
MIKE: Dr. Robert Cade created the formula for Gatorade in 1965.
CROW: The saying "bury the hatchet" originated with some Native American
tribes, which made peace by literally burying a hatchet in the ground.
> his head was throbbing fit to
> burst. Every part of his body ached, and he knew that if he so much as
> coughed his chest would probably explode.
CROW: Knowing David, that's probably gonna happen soon.
> He had bad cuts and scratches
> all over his body. He was amazed that he had survived. He was lying in
> an uncomfortable position on an uncomfortable metal bed,
MIKE: In an uncomfortable room in an uncomfortable house on an uncomfortable
street.
> although at
> this point just about anything would be uncomfortable to him.
> "Unnngnngghh..." Sonic groaned. He tried to sit up but he was in
> too much pain. He began to get his vision back. He was in a dark, metal
> cell.
TOM: An *uncomfortable* cell.
> Knuckles was curled up in one corner of the cell, groaning.
CROW: [ Knuckles ] Ohhhhh, shouldn't have eaten that gruel they gave us...
> A pair of black and red eyes appeared at the door's minuscule
> window. It was the Metallix. There was no way to be sure that it was any
> one of the Metallixes they'd met so far,
MIKE: They should have name tags.
TOM: He needs a name. How about #574?
> but it was a Metallix all the
> same. It gave an unnecessary chuckle.
> "You haven't won yet, Metallix!" Knuckles tried to shout, but it
> came out as more of a groaned "nggo
MIKE: [ Knuckles ] My Eggo.
> hnnmt rrn yhhh, Mrrhhkkxx..."
TOM: [ Knuckles, weakly ] Damn you... Mr. Mxyztlpk...
> He
> collapsed again.
> "I'll find you," Sonic moaned, managing to get the words right.
MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'll track you down and pound you ham! I mean senseless.
> "I'll find you and finish you off, you monster!"
> "Just as I am a monster so are you," the Metallix said, coolly.
> "The red one with his oversized knuckles and you, the all-round
CROW: [ Metallix ] You gotta stop pigging out on those donuts!
> freak of
> nature." The smooth, evil voice emphasised the word 'freak'
TOM: Freak OUT!!
> in such a
> way that the word was converted into pure anger. "I think you are in no
> place to call me a freak."
TOM: Freak in?
> It said this in exactly its usual tone of
> voice, but Sonic could tell it was feeling very smug.
> "You're just a pile of metal made to look like the world's
> greatest hero," Sonic groaned.
CROW: It's shaped like the Protector?
> The Metallix seemed amused. It had a
> strange way of expressing emotions without actually expressing them. The
> light on its chest flashed, and four Troopers arrived to take its place.
> "This squabbling is of no use to me," the Metallix said calmly.
> "You shall rot in your cells."
MIKE: [ Metallix ] I could kill you, but I won't, for reasons which will come
to me.
> At that, the Metallix left. Sonic and
> Knuckles collapsed on the floor and lost consciousness again.
> Hours later, Sonic awoke. He felt much stronger than before now
> that his energy was replenished from the sleep.
TOM: That whole blood loss thing? Pfah. Everything's solved once you just
wake up.
> Knuckles woke several
> minutes later, during which time Sonic had time to formulate a plan. It
> wasn't much of a plan, but it was a plan none the less.
CROW: It was a crappy plan, but it was a plan nonetheless.
MIKE: It was a plan that would lead to their deaths, but hey, they've got a
plan!
> "Knuckles," Sonic whispered as Knuckles began to open his eyes.
> "Knuckles, wake up. I think I know a way out of here."
> "Nggh?"
TOM: Still can't handle multiple syllables yet.
> Knuckles sighed, and stood up groggily. He was not as
> strong as Sonic at the moment, but he could still stand quite well.
> "Watch." Sonic hammered on the cell door, screaming at the
> Troopers standing guard outside. They didn't respond.
MIKE: [ Troopers ] This isn't bugging me. You're not touching me.
> Sonic plucked a
> small stone from the undersole of his sneaker and hurled it through the
> bars of the door's tiny window, where it clanked against the back of a
> Trooper's head. The Trooper didn't even notice.
> "So what?" Knuckles complained, rubbing his chest
CROW: Stop doing that. Stop doing that *right* *now*.
> in pain.
> "They're not self-aware. How can that help us?"
> "Robotnik's got cameras attached to each one of them, right?
> Well I'm betting he doesn't have a sound receiver." Sonic bent over to
> whisper in Knuckles' ear.
CROW: [ Sonic, whispering ] I love you.
> "Watch."
MIKE: Now why did he need to whisper just that one word?
> He took a deep breath and yelled at
> the top of his voice:
TOM: Riiiiicolaaaaa!
> "Hey Robuttnik! Y'old lard-belly! I can't believe
> anyone could be so uuugly as you are! And I thought the Swatbots were
> ugly! Whoo! People just look at you and chunk!
ALL: All too well.
> And can you blame them?
> Now be honest..."
> At this point, Robotnik would have cracked. He would have turned
> the Troopers round to attack, but he didn't.. The Troopers didn't move.
CROW: [ Trooper ] Oil... can...
> This was a very good sign. "Now all there is to do is find a way out of
> here that the Troopers won't see..." Sonic thought out loud.
> "Watch," Knuckles said, grinning.
MIKE: These two do a lot of watching each other.
TOM: ...Uh, Mike?
MIKE: I know, I know.
> He hit the ground as hard as
> he could with his fist. A large crack ran across the metal, and the
> floor split in half.
CROW: [ demonically ] --Plunging them into the fiery depths of Hell itself!!
MIKE: No, Crow, I'm afraid it didn't.
CROW: [ still demonically ] Aw.
> Knuckles tore at the metal, prising it further and
> further apart, until he could fit underneath. Sonic followed, pushing
> Knuckles aside.
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Outta the way. You'll only screw it up.
> "This is where I come in," said Sonic, curling up into a ball
> and pushing his hands across the muddy floor. He began to spin on the
> spot, the with one large jerk, he shot forwards, drilling out another
> tunnel.
CROW: Oh, whaddaya know, the heroes actually escaped.
> The two of them popped out of the ground right in front of the
> Trooper guards.
ALL: D'oh!
MIKE: So much for avoiding the guards, I guess!
> They wasted no time in smashing the Troopers to pieces.
TOM: So why did they need to keep the Troopers from seeing the escape route?
CROW: It was a handicap. Like escaping from jail with one arm tied behind your
back the whole way.
> Then they stopped to look around.
MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Dude, where the heck are we?
TOM: [ Sonic ] I dunno, man.
> They were standing at the far end of a long corridor, presumably
> in the heart of Robotropolis.
CROW: Just east of the spleen of Robotropolis.
> Doors lined the walls of the corridor, and
> they could see innocent civilians and Freedom Fighters inside the cells,
> some of which they knew personally.
TOM: They're on really good terms with those cells.
> Running down the corridor they
> punched or span
CROW: Let me hurt him, Mike. Please let me hurt him.
MIKE: Crow, calm down, please.
> into each door in turn, opening them all and freeing the
> people inside. These were probably the last non-robots in the whole of
> Robotropolis.
TOM: Say yes to roboticization!
CROW: Down with non-robots!
MIKE: Hey!
> "Sonic!" A young rabbit cried. Sonic recognised her as Jodie,
> Johnny Lightfoot's younger sister. She and Sonic had been friends until
> she vanished from South Island. "I'm so glad you came!" The small gang
> raced across the corridor,
ALL: [ singing ] Go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer...
> helping to free more people as they went.
> "You look pretty hurt, what happened?" The young rabbit asked.
> "Believe me, you don't wanna meet him," Sonic replied, running
> round a corner.
TOM: [ Sonic ] They want you to *think* he's a jolly old elf, but don't be
fooled.
> "An evil metal version of me. There's more than one, so
> if you see one be sure to
CROW: Wet your pants.
> let me know..."
> *Clang*
CROW: [ calling ] Bring out your dead!
> Sonic felt himself run right into a metal wall. But it couldn't
> have been a wall, due to its strange shape. He turned his head to stare
> into the pair of black and red eyes.
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Ooh, why here's one now," the Metallix snarled, throwing Sonic
> aside. The light on its chest glowed for a second before blasting a beam
> of power towards the animals.
MIKE: Hey, the Metallix is a Care B--
TOM: No, no, we already did that one.
MIKE: Aw.
> Jodie happened to be the one at the front.
> The light engulfed her.
CROW: [ exaggerated gulping sound ]
> She tried to scream, but her voice was
> stopped, trapped inside a cocoon of green energy. As her skin began to
> deteriorate,
MIKE: Ewwww! Eww eww eww!
CROW: I thought we were *past* the really gross scene!
> the look on her face was one of terror and pain, and as the
> skin began to vanish, her eyes seemed to get wider and wider... Then the
> energy shield vanished, along with the rabbit inside it. Her scream was
> set free to echo around the long corridor.
TOM: Wh--dead already? We've only known her for five paragraphs!
CROW: Not Jodie! I liked her! Why'd she have to die?
MIKE: Life is cruel that way, sometimes.
> Sonic stood for a moment, the anger, fear and hatred welling up
> inside him. Then he could stand still no longer.
TOM: He just had to *boogie*!
> Letting out a mighty
> roar,
CROW: Yeah, hedgehogs are known for their fierce call.
MIKE: [ dweeby voice ] Grrr, I'll hurt you! [ snort ]
> he leaped into the air and came crashing down on the Metallix's
> chest. The Metallix flew backwards, electricity licking its body.
> Knuckles stepped forwards and performed a strong upper-cut.
TOM: Tiger Uppercut!
CROW: [ at the same time ] Dolphin Blow!
MIKE: [ in unison with both of them ] Hiryu Shoten Ha!
[ Everyone stops and stares at each other. ]
> With a
> terrible scraping, tearing sound the Metallix's head was ripped from its
> shoulders to land at the other side of the room. It's body twitched for
> a second before it toppled over and fell apart.
MIKE: I'm wondering why the body can't have some sort of control processor in
it too.
CROW: Yeah, just 'cause humans die when you tear off their heads doesn't mean
robots should have to, right?
> Sonic and Knuckles stood over the pile of metal that had
> threatened the lives of however many people, Sonic and Knuckles didn't
> know. Suddenly they
TOM: That is to say, Sonic and Knuckles.
> jumped back,
CROW: Kissed themselves.
> as the light that had been attached to
> the Metallix's chest but now lay on top of the scraps attached by a few
> wires, flashed into life. Seven Evilnik
[ Everyone snickers. ]
MIKE: That's even worse than "Badnik".
CROW: Are the Sonic people trying to make Robotnik sound Russian or something?
> Troopers appeared from inside
> the one door that they hadn't managed to open when trying to rescue
> people. Two of the Troopers collected the Metallix's remains and carried
> them back into the room they had come from,
TOM: [ Trooper ] The least we can do is give him a proper burial.
MIKE: [ Trooper ] He was a good Metallix. [ sniff ] I'll miss him.
> and the other five began to
> chase after Sonic and Knuckles' gang. The gang sped off around the
> twisting passages and corridors that made up this prisonhouse.
CROW: They were in a prisonhouse of twisty passages, all alike?
> They rounded the last corner but the exit was guarded by another
> two Evilnik Troopers and a few Scoutbots. Fighting off the Scoutbots and
> dodging the Evilnik attacks as best they could,
MIKE: Ow! Ow! Hotfoot! Hotfoot! Ow!
> the gang were soon able
> to escape the prisonhouse and flee across Robotropolis. Fortunately the
> prisonhouse was situated on the border of Metropolis City, and so they
TOM: Got home just in time for "The Price is Right" on the Game Show Network.
> were able to burst out of the city borders quickly.
> "Hold on!" Sonic cried.
CROW: [ Sonic ] I've gotta stop at the little hedgehog's room!
> The animals held tight to Sonic's back,
> and Sonic kept running. Reaching into his backpack he pulled out
> something he had been saving for a rainy day:
MIKE: An umbrella?
TOM: His savings account!
CROW: Snack cakes!
> a Power Ring.
ALL: [ the light dawns ] Ohhhhhh!
> Once the
> Mobius Rings had been commonplace, but since Robotnik's attacks Sonic
> and his friends had to collect them all together to replenish their
> energy.
CROW: So they *are* snack cakes.
MIKE: Yeah, last time I went to the grocery store, I saw a bunch of packages
of Mobius Rings on the shelf. You wouldn't believe how much fat they
have in 'em, though.
> Now the only ones left were the really powerful ones.
TOM: Power Ring Concentrate.
> The ones
> that were too strong to be absorbed: the ones that had been in contact
> with the Chaos Emeralds at the time of the explosion in Kintobor's lab
> which changed the friendly scientist into Doctor Ivo Robotnik.
MIKE: *Man*, that was a heavy sentence.
TOM: I count six prepositional phrases.
> Sonic held the Power Ring above his head and it let out a bright
> light. Its power seeped into Sonic and his legs began to spin rapidly.
> There was a loud sonic boom
TOM: Heh, like his name! Heh heh! Heh. Kill me.
> as Sonic shot across the sea, carrying the
> fugitives with him. Across the waves he raced, not slowing or growing
> tired.
CROW: He can walk on water! Sonic is God's son!
MIKE: Crow, I'm fairly sure that God is not a hedgehog.
TOM: Whew.
> Within no time at all the gang had arrived back on South Island.
> As the fugitives separated to find their families or friends,
> Sonic and Knuckles stopped on the North Beach.
MIKE: [ Knuckles ] So we're right back where we started.
TOM: [ Sonic ] Boy, our jobs stink.
> There was the Death Egg,
> still destroying the Zones of South Island. Sonic had realised what he
> was doing:
CROW: Preparing to build the RobotnikLand theme park!
> clearing the Island of everything. Soon it would be flat and
> lifeless, and Robotnik could start to build more Robotropolis.
ALL: All too well.
> Sonic
> couldn't let that happen.
TOM: Well, he *could*, technically, but--
MIKE: Tom?
TOM: Hey, he repeats himself, I repeat myself.
MIKE: Let's just get out of here.
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ Satellite of Love. Everyone's just standing around. ]
MIKE: Hello, folks! I was inspired by the fact that Sonic, Knuckles, and all
the other characters in this story do an excessive amount of running,
and yet they use the same type of pointy, uncomfortable shoe that they
always have--or, a lot of the time, no shoes at all. So I've asked Tom
and Crow to design a type of shoe they think our heroes should wear.
[ Tom and Crow quietly discuss the fact that they don't remember Mike
asking that. ] I, of course, also designed a shoe of my own. So who
wants to go first?
TOM: Ah, why don't you go, Mike? [ "runs" off screen ]
CROW: Yeah, you'd better take the stage. [ also runs off ]
MIKE: Well, OK. I've noticed that when I run or jump for a long time, my feet
start to hurt, so in my shoe [ pulls shoe out from under table ] I
installed an off road shock system for maximum comfort to the wearer.
[ Several large shock absorbers are attached to the shoe Mike holds. ]
CROW: [ reenters ] Uh, I'm ready, Mike.
MIKE: OK, what have you got?
CROW: OK, you know how in comics superheroes have rocket boots? Well, I've
always found the idea impractical, considering the size of these boots
or shoes. I mean, where are the actual jets, or the fuel? So I've
designed [ Cambot begins to zoom out ] the practical rocket boot!
[ The bottom of a Saturn V-sized engine is visible on the side of the
screen. Tom reenters. ]
MIKE: Crow, where's the shoe?
CROW: It's on the very top, see?
MIKE: Ah. Well, Servo, what do you have for us?
TOM: We have all heard the term "one size fits all", but I took that idea to
the farthest step and truly designed the shoe that comes in one size and
fits all. [ displays a small uninflated balloonish thing ] Just inflate
to the desired size and, cello, you have a comfortable shoe that fits!
MIKE: Very nice! Good job, both of you. [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] Say,
Crow, where did you get that rocket engine?
CROW: I pulled it off the back of the satellite when Gypsy wasn't looking.
MIKE: Oh, okay. [ The screen suddenly tilts violently to the left. ] Well,
we'll be right back. Crow?
CROW: I know, I know. [ starts pushing the rocket off-screen ]
[ MST3K planet bumper (tilted violently to the left). Commercials ensue. ]
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End of part 5
-- Shay Caron
E-mail: glee...@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
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