MiSTed: Rocky Dwarf (4/6)
TICK
Part Four of Six
by the Tick
I gotta go now. Mommy needs a drinkie.
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>Part IV:
>========
>
>Scene Shot: Morning time, they are all seated round a long
>table that is covered in silver candlesticks and the like.
MIKE: Yeah, it's covered with, like, candlesticks and
stuff...
>The Cat is now wearing his suit inside out so that it is
>silvery grey with black trim.
CROW: If the suit's so good, why is it reversible?
>Frank'n'furter is
>as outrageously attired as before and Riffraff is in his
>butler suit again. Magenta and Colombia's outfits are still
>on the provocative side although Colombia's has rather too
>many sequins too be good for the eyes.
TOM: Why does this remind me of _Solid Gold_?
>Lister seems to have
>slept in his clothes all night though this hasn't made his
>clothes any worse.
TOM: Hasn't made 'em any _better_ either...
>Rimmer and Kryten are not present.
ALL: HUZZAH!
>Magenta dishes out some sort of fried meat onto their plates
>with very little enthusiasm and sits down near the end of
>the table where Frank'n'furter is.
CROW: Oh boy! SPAM!
>CAT (looking at his food): What is this.
MIKE: Are you asking me.
TOM: How should we know.
CROW: What are we, mind readers.
>MAGENTA: It comes from an exotic recipe.
MIKE: It came from a plane that crashed in the Andes!
>CAT: I can't eat that, it looks like a road accident.
CROW: Hey, he guessed where they got it!
>RIFFRAFF: We're sorry, but the local (pauses) substitutes
>are not up to standard.
MIKE: You leave home, you just can't find good horseflesh.
>LISTER (finishing a mouthful): Just eat it Cat, it's
>delicious. (Has another mouthful) I haven't tasted food >like
>this since I gatecrashed a Hoppers cafe on Mimas.
TOM: Some guy named Hannibal was the cook...
>EDDIE (also eating cheerfully): Yeah, this is proper >biker's
>food, you just can't get this sort of stuff these days.
CROW: Yeah, the FDA took care of that.
>COLOMBIA (Eating slowly): Well I suppose it's better than
>Meatloaf.
TOM: Anything's better than Meatloaf.
MIKE: Meatloaf with Stove Top stuffing? Honey, I love you!
>LISTER (finishing another mouthful): Where's that smeghead
>Rimmer got to anyway?
CROW: Who cares? Shut up and eat your fried drifter!
>CAT: Yeah, goalpost head is usually hanging about
>someplace.
TOM: I suppose "by his neck" was too much to hope for...
>FRANK'N'FURTER (eating delicately): He's busy helping me
>with my (laughs under his breath)... plans.
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: Yes?
CROW: I hate him.
MIKE: We all do, Crow.
>Lister and Eddie look at each other briefly at this and >they
>finish their meal in silence before leaving with Colombia.
>The Cat sneaks off to the kitchens in search of something
>edible.
MIKE: Families just don't talk anymore.
>Frank'n'furter departs after dabbing his mouth with
>a frilled napkin, leaving Riffraff and Magenta to deal with
>the table.
CROW: All right, table, now _we_ will deal with you!
>Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie enter the storeroom, it is
>still full of statues and old furniture, but Lister notices
>they seem virtually free of dust now.
TOM: And they smell springtime fresh.
>Lister walks round the statues to where Kryten is
>sitting amongst a pile of wires and computer circuits.
MIKE: Make _me_ wash his laundry, will he? This'll blow him to...
Oh, hello, Mr. David, sir!
>LISTER: How's it going Kryten?
>KRYTEN (looking up): Oh sir, I didn't see you come in.
TOM: AHHH! NOTHING!
>LISTER (running a finger across a dust free statue): Been
>doing a bit of spring cleaning?
>KRYTEN: Well... I... erm... (quietly) yes.
CROW: (in Nazi voice) Zo, Doktor Jones, it zeems sere iz
nuzzing you can clean vich I cannot dirty again!
MIKE: Really thick accent, Crow.
CROW: Thanks. I learned it from Hogan's Heroes!
>LISTER: What was that Kryten?
TOM (in Sam Kinison voice): SAY IT! SAY IT!
>KRYTEN (normally): Yes, I'm sorry sir, I couldn't stand
>seeing all this dust about.
TOM: For God's sake, I'm not made of stone!
> It was against my basic nature not to clean the
>place up.
TOM: I thought that was a Sharon Stone movie.
>I know I should have been fixing the transmitter, but I
>just couldn't stop myself... I... I... I...
CROW: And...and I'm jonesing on Lemon Pledge!
>LISTER: It's OK Kryten, don't wear out your guilt chip.
MIKE: That's what your mother's for.
>KRYTEN: Thank you sir.
>LISTER: Anyway, how's the transmitter going?
>KRYTEN: Well I've removed every wire and circuit from the
>whole device, examined every connection, tested all the
>units and have finally worked out what was wrong.
TOM: Geordi forgot to attach the dilithium crystals.
>LISTER: So, what was wrong?
>KRYTEN: It wasn't plugged in.
ALL: D'OH!
>LISTER: What?
>KRYTEN: I know, it's so simple... I just didn't think to
>check it sir, everything else is fine.
MIKE: GREAT! JUST BEAUTIFUL!
>LISTER: So it works? We can get Riffraff's orders and get
>out of here?
CROW: Please, please, _pleeeeeez_...
>KRYTEN: Well not quite yet sir... I still have to put it
>back together.
The BOTS burst into tears again.
MIKE: C'mon, fellas...
>LISTER: And how long will that take?
>KRYTEN: About seven hours.
>LISTER: Oh great, we're stuck in this stupid house for
>another seven hours!
MIKE: And the cable's out!
>EDDIE (walking round the statues): We still haven't found
>that Rimmer guy.
TOM: But we found Jimmy Hoffa out in the pond.
>LISTER (turning): Yeah... hey Kryten, do you think you can
>find Rimmer on the monitor system?
>KRYTEN: I can certainly try sir.
TOM: I'll _die_ trying!
CROW: I certainly hope so.
>Kryten gets up an walks to the monitor screen which is in a
>corner of the storeroom, Lister and Eddie close behind.
CROW: They hold hands, exchanging long looks.
>He starts fiddling with the dials below the screen until the
>view on the monitor flicks to show Frank'n'furter talking
>to someone just out of shot.
CROW: He's talking to Charlie!
TOM: (in John Forsythe voice) You know, you don't look like
the other Angels...
>LISTER: Hey, hold it there Kryten...
MIKE: One false move and I _drill_ ya!
>We want to find out what this guys up to.
>EDDIE: Yeah, good idea.
>KRYTEN: Ok sir, I'll leave you to it... I think I've just
>spotted a statue I haven't cleaned.
>LISTER (looks at Kryten): Kryten?
CROW: DEEEEEEEEP HURTING!
>KRYTEN: Erm, I'll have to clean it after I've finished
>putting the transmitter back together.
TOM: And then for my BLOODY REVENGE!!
>Scene Shot: On the monitor they can see a well furnished
>room, Frank'n'furter is standing next to a large table, on
>which is a map in typical world war planning style.
MIKE: Brilliant move, sir! Are you sure you've never played
Risk before?
>Frank'n'furter is talking to someone just out of shot on
>the far side of the table. Lister recognises the unseen
>person's voice as Rimmers but it seems different, more like
>Frank'n'furters voice.
>
>FRANK'N'FURTER: So you see, once we've converted half of
>Europe, nothing can stop us.
TOM: Except that damned _Mitchell!_
>RIMMER: Yes, it's all so perfect, your plan is even better
>than Hitler's you should be the next facist dictator of the
>year.
MIKE: I don't know, Saddam Hussein's got top seed this year.
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Ah yes, quite... but soon there will be
>thousands more like you and me,
CROW: AAAAAH!
MIKE: Just keep telling yourself it's only a fanfic.
TOM: More...like..._them_?!
>after tonight we'll be able to carry out my plan.
>RIMMER (starting to walk into view): That'll be just
>(pauses) marvelous.
MIKE: Now _he's_ pausing!
>Just then the Cat strides into the room, he's looking well
>fed and strides over to Lister and Eddie who are just
>staring at the screen wide eyed. Rimmer can now be seen...
>he is dressed just like Frank'n'furter, high heels,
>stockings, even the makeup.
TOM: It's Myra Breckenridge!
CROW: It's Ed Wood!
TOM: It's Priscilla, Queen of the Desert!
CROW: It's Patrick Swayze! "Thanks for Everything, Julie
Newmar!"
MIKE: It's all those things and more!
>LISTER: Oh smeg.
>EDDIE: Oh smeg indeed.
>CAT: Hey, what's happened to goalpost head?
CROW: He's just gotten in touch with his feminine side.
>EDDIE: He's been converted by Frank.
MIKE: Oh, I thought he was converted by Uncle Ben.
>LISTER: That's it we've got to stop him.
>EDDIE: I must contact my uncle, Dr.Scott, he'll be able to
>defeat him, he's faced Frank'n'furter before.
TOM: But for Doctor Scott, there would be another day.
>LISTER: Well, the sooner the better man.
>CAT: Yeah, goalpost head was bad enough as it was!
>Later, still in the storeroom, Eddie is just finishing
>writing a letter.
CROW: Dear...Penthouse...nothing like this...has ever
happened...to me before...
>He hands it to Lister, the Cat is standing
>next to Lister who reads it. The letter is written rather
>badly in red crayon.
TOM: Oh. Guess Eddie's not hooked on phonics.
>CAT (trying to look at the letter): What's it say, what's >it say?
ALL sing: I'm out of my head...oh hurry or I may be dead!
>LISTER: Erm... well... here. (He passes the letter to Cat)
>LISTER (to Eddie): You sure your uncle will come?
CROW: Only if I wear the chicken outfit.
MIKE: Crow!
>EDDIE: Oh yes, he's been trying to get Frank'n'furter ever
>since Frank escaped his concentration camp back in the War.
MIKE: Somehow I don't see Spielberg winning a bunch of
Oscars for _Frank'n'furter's List._
>LISTER: Well if you're sure.
CROW: Only fools are sure!
TOM: Are you positive?
CROW: I'm sure!
TOM: YES! HE BOUGHT IT!
>CAT: Hey this ain't bad, maybe you should add some more
>colours though, it looks like you bled over it.
MIKE: Now _there's_ a thought...
>EDDIE (ignoring Cat): Now all I have to do is send it.
TOM: It's so crazy, it just might work!
>
>Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie walk quietly toward the front
>door, the rest of the hallway is filled with gloom despite
>it still being the early afternoon.
CROW: Filled with gloom, like the heart of the reader.
>
>LISTER: So you're sure you can deliver this to him?
>EDDIE: Yeah, I'll just ride my bike to the bikers cafe a
>few miles up the road, somebody there can deliver it to him
>directly.
MIKE: Yeah, bikers are really helpful that way.
>LISTER: Right, and your bike is...
>EDDIE: Just outside.
>LISTER (reaching the door): Well that's sorted then.
>
>Lister grabs the door handle and opens the door slightly
>when a figure steps out of the gloom of the hallway behind
>them, Lister and Eddie spin round when he speaks.
>
>RIMMER: You're not trying to leave so soon, the master will
>not be pleased.
CROW: thE MasTEr wouLD nOt aPProVE!
MIKE: What?!
CROW: COme on, let's go! I've got an idea!
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
CROW is standing in front of a covered easel when MIKE and
TOM come up to him.
MIKE: Okay, Crow, what's this idea of yours?
CROW: Gentlemen, I'm here to unravel one of the biggest
conspiracies in the history of modern moviemaking.
Let me ask you to name this movie: A couple of
travelers end up staying the night at a spooky,
out-of-the-way place.
TOM: _Psycho?_
MIKE: _Enchanted April_?
CROW: WRONG! There are two answers...one is "The Rocky
Horror Picture Show." The other is..."MANOS" THE
HANDS OF FATE!!
MIKE: GASP!
TOM: Crow, you've just done the Bristol stomp over the
edge.
CROW: So you think I'm mad, do you? They called me mad at
the university! Mike, grab the cloth from that easel,
wouldja?
(MIKE whips off the cover--the easel is covered with figures
and graphs, none of which are very legible.)
CROW: In "Manos", the caretaker is a creepy little guy with
large, hump-shaped knees. In "Rocky", the butler is a
creepy little guy with a hump in his back! CO-
INCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!
MIKE: Crow, what have I told you about snorting lighter
fluid?
CROW: In "Rocky," the master dresses in women's clothing.
In "Manos," the master wears a dippy robe that
wouldn't look out of place in a lady's boudoir!
TOM: What?! You ate the brown acid, didn't you?
CROW: And most insidious of all, there's the terrible
connection between the "Time Warp" and the "Haunting
Torgo Theme!"
MIKE: You need a little lie down, Crow.
MIKE grabs CROW and drags him off.
CROW: WAIT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! WHAT ABOUT THE SUSAN SARANDON
CONUNDRUM?! THE PEOPLE MUST BE TOLD!
TOM: Tsk tsk tsk...funny, I always figured it's be Gypsy
that went first.
More of this stuff to come. Get your killfiles ready.
Later,
Tick
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Claye Hodge
Claye Hodge
MST3K Tagline
----CROW: Hey look! There's the Constellation Feces!----
-------------Right below Taurus, the Bull---------------