[MiSTed] The Orion Incident (2/2)
ToMWoo
[SOL]
(Mike sits with his head in his hands. Gypsy arrives.)
Gypsy: What’s wrong, Mike?
Mike: Oh nothing Gyps. Just this fanfic’s got me down.
[Deep 13]
TV’s Frank: Well, Mike, me and Clay have something that just might cheer you
up.
(A balding, skinny man with glasses arrives with Dr. F.)
[SOL]
Mike: It’s my sophomore biology teacher, Mr. Retserrof!
(Crow and Tom arrive)
Servo: Why hello, Mike…ahhhh!!
Crow: Who’s that guy!
[Deep 13]
Retserrof: That’s right Mr. Nelson, I heard it was your birthday so I decided
to pay you a visit! Now if you would get out your textbook, we’ll begin.
[SOL]
Mike: Um, ok.
(Mike pulls out a dusty old textbook.)
[Deep 13]
Retserrof: That book isn’t covered!
[SOL]
Mike: Oh, right. Well, I haven’t been to class in about 20 years so…
[Deep 13]
Retserrof: So you’ve taken to playing hookie, eh? And what are those poorly
constructed pieces of trash next to you? I knew I should have better instructed
you! You’re homework tonight will be…
[SOL]
(Lights and buzzing)
All: We’ve got Orion sign!
7…6…5…4…3…2…1…*
<ACT THREE
<Shot: Riley’s quarters. Slightly dim lighting. Riley enters to find Reyan
waiting. <She is not in uniform, but in casual dress.
<RILEY: Is it more proper to call you ‘reyan’ now?
Mike: They can’t tell the difference between capitals and lowercase in real
life, Neale.
<I hadn’t expected you to be
Crow: Nude.
<casual.
<REYAN: You wished to discuss about the ships, since it was in your quarters I
<assumed that it would be casual, to say the least.
<RILEY (Slightly embarrassed):
Crow (Riley, nervously): I’d better pull up my pants. Heh heh.
<I didn’t quite expect
this. I wanted to talk about <the ships. The name of the vessel which fired
upon your Bird-of-Prey was the <FARRAGUT. The last sign of the FARRAGUT was in
your space. Can you find <out what your government did with the salvage?
<REYAN (Confused): Yes, but how did you get the ship name? We looked and only
<found the name burnt over everywhere.
<RILEY: Deliberately burnt over in some places, I think. Except for one small
<place... (Riley looks distant,
Servo: As he flies away into the vacuum that is outer space.
<as if he’s trying to remember
something.)
<REYAN: Even off-duty your mind is still that of a soldier. Does it come from
your <home, T’Salek?
<RILEY (Stunned): My name, my Romulan name,
Mike (Riley): It’s so stupid!
<how can you know it? Only <Saavik knew.
<REYAN: We’re from the same world, you and I. We’ve met before. You were <taken
aboard the USS RELIANT, and I the RISS ENCHANTER. I knew I would <meet you
again. (She moves closer to Riley, who is too stunned to respond.)
<SAAVIK (Over communicator): Captain, sensors indicate three Romulan vessels,
<closing fast.
<RILEY: On my way.
(Commercials for those stupid psychic ladies who can tell you about your big
career move that you already know about. By the way, did it ever strike anyone
as odd that they say they’ll prove to be real, but it says at the bottom "For
entertainment only"?)
<Shot: Bridge
<RILEY: Raise shields, hail the AERONAUGHT.
Mike: For he is good.
<Ready torpedoes.
<JAMES: Sir, AERONAUGHT is hailing us. It’s gibberish, sir, panic almost. It’s
<something about being branded a traitor.
<RILEY: Oh no.
Mike (Riley): Quick, hide Benedict Arnold!
<Lock on lead force vessel. Fire. (Viewscreen
shows torpedo <ramming lead incoming vessel, the Romulan Bird-of-prey
explodes.)
<THOMAS: Got him! Locking on second target. (Screen shows the two remaining
<Romulan Birds-of-Prey bearing on the AERONAUGHT. The AERONAUGHT <fires into
one of the Birds-of-Prey.)
Mike: I think I feel the cake coming up…
Servo: Just take deep breaths, Mike.
<RILEY: Commander Reyan to the bridge. Lieutenant Thomas, don’t let those <two
destroy the AERONAUGHT. Full impulse power, break orbit.
<JAMES: The Romulan attack force warns us not to interfere, sir. What type of
<reply should I send?
Crow (Riley): Send "bite me". Heh heh.
<RILEY (Vicious smile): Launch Torpedoes
<Shot: Enterprise launches torpedo burst into assault force. Lead assaulter
takes all <damage and explodes.
<Shot: Bridge
<THOMAS: Lead assaulter destroyed, other two are veering off of the <AERONAUGHT
to bear down on us.
<RILEY: Lock phasers, ready second batch of photon torpedoes.
<REYAN (As she enters bridge): I don’t believe this,
Servo (Reyan): You have this huge ship and NO toilet paper.
<I have to get over to my ship.
<RILEY: Sure, just as soon as we’re done here. Mister James, open hailing
<frequencies, again, and order the vessels to surrender. (To himself)
Crow (Riley): Just a while longer, than I can slit my wrists.
<Someone has <some explaining to do.
<JAMES: They’re jamming all frequencies, sir.
<RILEY: That’s cheating.
Mike (Riley): No fair, I’m going home.
<(Turning attention to screen)
<Shot: Enterprise being hit by assault ship’s torpedo.
<Shot: Bridge toss port. Only Reyan is thrown.
Servo: Thrown out of the Enterprise and into a nearby star.
<JAMES: Gotta get a seat belt like the rest of us, Commander.
<RILEY: No more sarcasm, unless I say it, Mister James.
Mike: Just a couple too many commas in here.
<Fire phasers, helm.
<THOMAS: Dead on, fore shield on Romulan Bird-of-Prey sig one is down. She is
<coming to bear, port side. Second vessel is returning to AERONAUGHT.
<HARRIS: I better get to sick bay, the crew doesn’t like it when you play,
Captain.
<RILEY: Off you go, doctor. Keep me posted. Mister James, are those photons on
<line yet?
<THOMAS: Photons available. Ready to fire.
<RILEY: Then by all means do so, Lieutenant.
Crow: Yes, by all means, anything to get this story moving.
<(Main screen shows Bird-of-Prey <taking another shot dead on, it explodes.)
Second-hand ships, Commander Reyan?
<REYAN: They are losing too easily. My own ship hasn’t even entered the fray
<and they are still losing.
<RILEY: Not the Romulan spirit that I’ve known. (Main screen shows
Bird-of-<Prey firing torpedo, it impacts under Enterprise’s hull.
Crow: The Enterprise spins out of control, and crashes into an asteroid, the
end.
<Bridge toss aft, none are <thrown.) Spoke too soon, fire
phasers, Mister Thomas.
<Shot: Phaser burst from Enterprise to the last Bird-of-Prey. The Bird-of-Prey
veers <away and enters warp space.
Mike (B-o-P, whiny voice): I have to go, but I’ll be back!
<Shot: Bridge Scene
<JAMES: Enemy vessel has broken off engagement, it is currently travelling at
<warp six.
<REYAN: Captain Riley, that was not an attack of our people. The trio did not
<work in concert.
Servo: So in the end, all three Hanson brothers committed suicide.
<We would not send such inferior vessels after
something like the <ENTERPRISE or the AERONAUGHT at any rate.
<RILEY: I know, Commander. Communications, tell Argan that he’s going to get <a
couple of guests coming down. Have Lieutenant Neharat join us in transporter
<room one.
<ACT FOUR
Crow: "The Final Chapter", I hope.
<Shot: Orion planet. Reyan, Riley, and Neharat beam into a nice office set.
Argan is <there, as always, ticked off.
Mike: Is he always there, or always ticked off?
<ARGAN: At least you lot finally did something about those raiders. But why do
<you intrude on us?
<RILEY: Orion has its own fleet, where is it? Why can’t your ships handle some
<second-rate Bird-of-Preys?
Crow: Oh, but then there would be no need for this wonderful story.
<ARGAN: We’ve lost enough ships, the Federation is supposed to provide support
<for us in dire situations.
<RILEY: You call a few renegade ships ‘dire’? Protecting you would cause
<another conflict between the Star Empire and the Federation.
Mike: Please, no more conflict. Let’s just end the thing…
<ARGAN: I can not be held responsible for that.
<REYAN: I suppose not, but we will be. Our two ships would have to battle for
your <world if we don’t come to some sort of agreement here and now.
<RILEY (sitting down): Where do you get the majority of your ships, Argan? I
<know of several Federation salvage rights tend to go here, do the Romulans
commit <likewise?
<ARGAN: I can’t answer any questions about other clients.
Crow: You can’t handle the truth!
<REYAN: They do, Captain. Orion receives a good number of salvages from us,
<most heavily during the war. In return the Orions supply us with some weapons
<and finance.
<RILEY: Very similar to what the Federation is doing with you, isn’t it, Argan?
<Correct me if I am wrong in this.
<ARGAN: You are beginning to offend me, Captain.
Crow (Argan): Now please, no more belching.
<RILEY: Let me offend you further. Does the name *FARRAGUT* come to <mind?
Mike: That rates about a 6 on the Argan Offensive Meter…
<The ship was a Romulan salvage to Orion a few months ago. The
Romulans <didn’t know how to put a Federation starship together, but Orion
would.
<REYAN (Angered): You had FARRAGUT destroy the TALANUS, Argan? <TALANUS had
three-hundred good people on board her. Why?
<RILEY: Simple greed, isn’t it Argan? (Reyan pulls out her phaser)
Servo: She holds shoots Argan, Riley, then turns it on herself. The end.
<You wanted to <keep the war going so you
could get a nice tidy profit.
<ARGAN: It’s all lies, human. You know nothing of us, or the situation as it
<stands.
<RILEY: Nice and convincing, sending second-hand ships after us, but your
timing <stank.
Servo: Again, Riley shows the language skills that got him the captain
position.
<You were scared that we would learn the truth.
<ARGAN: You are a fool human. You know nothing.
<RILEY (stands, walks over to Argan, and lifts him by the neck.) I am not a
fool, <Argan. (Throws him across the room.)
Mike: Across the room and into a large blender. The end.
<ARGAN: What do you think you are going to accomplish? The Federation can <take
no action against us, you’re too busy with your Rommie friends.
<RILEY: The Federation doesn’t have to take action, Argan. (Takes out
<communicator.) Riley to Enterprise, beam me up. (Riley beams out.)
<ARGAN: What about you, Romulan? What can you do? Dare you risk losing <honor
by firing on an unarmed being?
<REYAN: There is nothing dishonorable by destroying parasites. (Phaser fires.)
Crow: Don’t you think she should have aimed her weapon before she fired it?
Servo: Well, at least there was some action.
<Shot: Enterprise and Aeronaught entering warp space together.
<Shot: Riley’s quarters.
<REYAN: You left, and you knew what I was going to do. Why didn’t you do it
<yourself?
<RILEY: I can’t. I’m neither human or Romulan, Reyan. I’m somewhere in there,
<somewhere in between.
<REYAN: You are pulling yourself apart too hard, T’Salek.
Mike (Reyan): I mean, your intestines are hanging out!
<You are the balance. <You are proof that peace between
our governments is possible. Today marks a <good example.
<RILEY: What makes you think so? (Reyan brushes Riley’s cheek with a ‘vulcan’
<salute.)
Crow: Uh-oh, I saw this in "Thinner"…
<REYAN: I can feel it. (Laughs) Corny, as you would put it, but true.
<Shot: Aeronaught veers off from Enterprise.
<Shot: Bridge.
<RILEY: Set course for Delta Triad. Warp six. Thoughts, Doctor?
Servo (Harris): No, no thoughts here sir.
<HARRIS: A remarkable woman, sir. It’s a pity really, that she is technically
still <our enemy.
<RILEY: Maybe we can put aside our differences with the Romulans someday,
<Doctor. It isn’t too impossible to think of.
Mike: Hey, I’m all for it if it means no more stories.
<HARRIS: Not in this generation, Captain, not even in the next.
<RILEY: We can always hope, Doctor.
Crow: Please God, let it happen.
<We have that
much.
<Shot: Enterprise, left to right, slow approaching shot.
<RILEY: Captain’s Log, Stardate 10013.2. We are en route for Delta Triad
<section. Hopefully we won’t encounter anything there.
Crow: Please don’t, this story’s gone long enough!
<The ENTERPRISE has <met another challenge, but this
challenge didn’t resolve itself in battle. I don’t <know if this one will ever
be resolved. Is peace really so hard to obtain?
Mike: Not with fanfics like this!
*…2…3…4…5…6…7
[SOL]
Mike: Man, some birthday this has been.
(Crow arrives with a new, huge cake. This is so big that it blocks out Cambot’s
view.)
Crow: Well Mike, I’ve solved the little birthday boo-boo…
(Crow looses control of the cake and it falls onto Mike, knocking him over.)
Crow: Uh, Mike? Are you OK? Geez, I knew the cake was too big. Don’t worry
‘bout a thing Mike! I’ll clean this up.
Mike: Hey, this icing’s pretty good!
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: Nelson?
[SOL]
(Mike gets up, covered in icing.)
Mike: Yeah, Dr. F?
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, well I see you seem to be enjoying your big day. Your psycho
teacher guy got on my nerves, so I’m sending him up to visit you.
[SOL]
Mike: NOOO!!!
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: If you think that’s bad, just wait until the next gem from
Usenet, Nelson. Push the button, Frank.
(Cue Love Theme and credits)
Written by…………………Colin Daniels
"The Orion Incident" by…..Neale Davidson
All characters created by….Best Brains Inc.
Original idea………………Best Brains Inc.
Special thanks to………….The Brains and all MiSTies for keeping MST3K on the air
© Copyright 1998.
STINGER: "Your timing stank."- Captain Riley
MAWD16
Not bad, especially for your first time out. Just add more comments next time,
it was a little too spaced out. Good idea with the host segs too. Retserrof was
a hoot! (For those who don't get that joke, spell Retserrof backwards.)