[MiSTing] "Don" [SF] 2/2
Gfan516
> Don sniffed the air and ran in the direction of the little girl.
CROW(as Don): Aw, that kid reeks!
>Then he heard
MIKE: The sounds of silence.
>it.
TOM: ...Conquered The World.
CROW: ...Came From Beneath The Sea.
MIKE: ...The Terror From Beyond Space.
>The distinct sound of crying in the distance.
TOM: Sounds like the other wolf is a big crybaby.
>The trail led him further into the woods and soon,
>he found the little girl sitting beside a tree, crying.
MIKE: I bet she's sitting beside a weeping willow.
>She looked up and saw the wolf, eyeing her.
TOM(singing): I always feel like somebody's watching me...
CROW: So Don is a female now?
MIKE: I think the author was trying to say that the girl saw the wolf eyeing
her.
>The girl's face went into complete fear, and she scooted back.
> "Sit!" She told Don.
MIKE: So she's scared by this wolf in front of her, but still manages to issue
stupid commands?
CROW: I think that she was so scared that she said "s" instead of "sh".
>Don
TOM: ...atello.
CROW: ...albain.
MIKE: ...Corleone.
TOM(as Don Corleone): I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
>looked at the girl curiously and moved in closer to her. She backed up
further until her back
>hit a tree and she couldn't go any further. Don closed in on the girl and
nudged her left arm,
>bringing it around his neck as if to show affection for the little girl.
>The girl pet the wolf on the head a few times.
>"You aren't a mean doggy like that other one, aren't you?
CROW(as Don): Actually, I am. I was just smart enough to lull you into a
false sense
of security.
>I guess not. My name's Jessica, do you have one?
TOM: A Jessica? No.
>You have no tag, so I guess you can be my doggy. I'll name you Rover, how's
that?"
MIKE(as Don): Very unoriginal.
> The wolf backed away a little.
> "Ok then, how about Rex?"
TOM(as Don): How about I lead that other wolf back here?
> Further back he went.
CROW: ...until he fell off a cliff.
> "What do you want to be named?"
MIKE(as Don): Sugar Magnolia.
> The wolf moved closer to the girl and handed the girl his paw.
TOM: EWWW! He chewed off his own paw and gave it to her!
> The girl looked at the paw and saw a tag on it.
MIKE: It read: five dollars or best offer.
> She struggled with the words but managed out one.
>"Don."
CROW: ... Rickles.
MIKE: ...ald Duck.
TOM: ...ovan's Reef.
> Don licked the girls face.
TOM:...and was smacked on the face by the girl, who didn't approve of such
things
on the first date.
> "Good, you will be known as Don then."
CROW: Has he been known as anything besides "Don"?
MIKE: You mean like "the second wolf"?
CROW: Never mind.
> The wolf tugged at the girls coat.
TOM: So several girls share one coat?
> "You want me to follow you?"
MIKE(as Don): Yes. Follow me out of this crummy story.
> Don licked the girls face.
TOM: Wow, déją vu.
MIKE(singing): Girls, girls, girls....
> "Ok then, lead the way."
> Don followed the girls scent along the way that she entered the woods.
(All make sniffing and snorting noises)
>Soon, they came upon a cabin.
CROW: Inside the cabin, Ash was battling it out with some deadites.
TOM(as Ash): Groovy.
> "Oh, thank you Don.
MIKE: ...Quixote.
TOM: ...Pardo.
CROW: ...na Reed.
>You're the bestest doggy in the world. I'm sure mommy will like you a whole
lot.
TOM: ...served with a salad and red wine.
>Stay here." Jessica entered the house, but Don had other plans.
MIKE: Plans that involved investing.
> While Jessica talked to her mom, the wolf hurried through the woods and
soon, came upon
CROW: ...a house made of straw with a fat, delicious pig inside.
>a hospital on the outskirts of town. He jumped in one of the windows and into
TOM: ...a tray full of scalpels.
>the empty bed. There, Don changed from a wolf to a human and fell asleep.
MIKE: I can't blame him for running away.
TOM: Because he'd change back into a human in the morning?
MIKE: No, because the mom would probably have him neutered.
> The End
CROW: Thank God.
(Mike and the 'bots get up and leave the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...
(Bridge of the SOL. Crow, Mike, and Tom are standing near the middle of the
table.)
MIKE: Okay, what sort of skit should we do about the story?
TOM: Well, it's too short and meaningless to do a reenactment of it.
We'd basically retell the story with little or no humor.
CROW: I'd suggest trying to guess who Don really is, but we used up all the
good famous guys
named Don jokes in the theater.
MIKE: It's probably just some nobody named Don. That fits in with the
pointlessness of the story.
BOTS: Yeah.
TOM: We have to do *something*!
MIKE: I suppose that we could...(Ducks under table and reappear with a bowl)
...bring back the old RAM chip session!
BOTS: Cool!
CROW: It' been awhile since we last did this.
MIKE: It's a good thing that I remembered this from all those stories you guys
told me about
your earlier experiments. Okay, tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the
story.
CROW: The good thing was it didn't give me any Joe Estevez flashbacks.
The bad thing was that it never explained why Don was in the hospital.
MIKE: Good points. Here's your RAM chip.
(Picks up a RAM chip from the bowl and puts in Crow's mouth. Crow promptly
chews it)
TOM: Now it's my turn! The good thing was that it was short.
The bad thing was that it was like a broken pencil.
MIKE and CROW: Huh?
TOM: It was pointless.
CROW: Good one.
MIKE: Okay, here you go
(Mike picks up another RAM chip and puts it in Tom's mouth. While Tom is
chewing, Gypsy appears).
GYPSY: Ooh! RAM chips! Can I have one?
MIKE: Well, I don't see why...
CROW: She has to say a good thing and a bad thing like we did!
TOM(muffled): Yeah!
MIKE: Gypsy, can you name a good thing and a bad thing about the experiment?
GYPSY: The good thing was that Richard Basehart wasn't in this awful story.
The bad thing is that it is something that Pearl sent up to torture you.
MIKE: Works for me (Feeds Gypsy a RAM chip).
TOM: So will we be able to do this again?
MIKE: Only if we can't think up something funny to do to recover from an
experiment.
Although this didn't have the humorous results that I had imagined.
CROW: You want humor, huh?
(Crow runs off-screen and a loud beep can be heard. Suddenly, a metal pole
with a cream pie attached to the bottom comes down and hits Mike in the face)
(The pole rises back up and leaves Mike with a whipped cream covered face. Crow
returns)
(All but Mike laugh)
TOM: Now that's comedy!
(Mike tries to rub off the cream and puts some in his mouth)
(Red light and button flash)
MIKE: Let's see how Pearl is doing. Could somebody get that for me?
CROW: Sure.
(Crow hits the red button with his "beak")
(Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo, Bill, Don, and J.P. Litigation
are all sitting around a table in the middle of the room)
DON: Your illegal use of my movie is hurting its chances of a theatrical
re-release!
(A brief pause. Everyone but Don laughs)
PEARL: Listen pal, your movie is hurting your movie's chances for a theatrical
re-release.
DON: SHUT UP! (To JP) You're supposed to be helping me.
JP(Stops laughing): Sorry.
DON: At least I'm not like Tom Laughlin. He actually thinks that a government
conspiracy is
preventing the re-release of his movies. That poor, deluded...
(The sound of a door opening is heard. A black haired man wearing a white
T-shirt
with ZaAt written on it enters)
DON(To the visitor): Where are the others?
FAN: The other two couldn't make it because they got stuck in traffic.
DON: At least you're here. Now avenge my movie!
(The fan takes a look at Bobo and runs out of the castle. The sound of a door
slamming is heard)
DON: Loyal fans are hard to find these days.
BILL: Let's hurry this up, I have to get back to work on my book of
money-saving tips for
amateur film makers.
DON: Really? Could you give an old pro a freebie?
BILL: Sure, make everything in the movie repulsive. That way, people will be
too disgusted to notice all of the flaws in your movie.
Remember, you owe the viewers nothing. Take the money and run like the wind.
JP: Okay, let's get back on track. (To Pearl) We all think that it's fair for
you to pay this
price for your illegal usage of those movies
(Holds a piece of paper. The side with writing is pointed toward Pearl and
Bobo).
PEARL: There's no way I'm going to pay that much money for those...
(The sound of a door opening and closing is heard again. A pasty, purple-robed
man enters)
OBSERVER(Looks at the group): What on Earth is going on?
JP(Stands up): I'm J.P. Litigation, and I'm representing Mr. Don
Barton and Mr. Bill Rebane over the illegal usage of The Giant
Spider Invasion and The Blood Waters of Dr. Z.
OBSERVER: Shouldn't you be talking with the Sci-Fi channel? They're the ones
who send our
company those movies.
JP: We will talk with them after we're finished with Mrs. Forrester and that
guy with the robots.
OBSERVER: Oh, you want compensation for the movies, huh?
(Observer reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ten dollar bill, and hands it to
J.P. Litigation)
OBSERVER: That should cover the budgets of those movies.
PEARL: Heck, that's probably double the budget.
DON(fuming):Y...you...dirty albino! HOW DARE YOU! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS,
YOU...
JP: Don, calm down! You don't want to wind up in the hospital again, do you?
(SOL)
MIKE: No, he couldn't be...could he?
TOM: The name, the fact that he was in a hospital, it all adds up.
CROW: I can't believe that Don Barton is a werewolf!
(Castle Forrester)
DON: I am *not* a werewolf!
PEARL: Brain Guy, let's see if he really is a werewolf.
(Observer tilts his head and "brain noises" are heard. A stick appears in his
hand)
OBSERVER(Waving stick in front of Don): Here boy, fetch! (Throws stick
off-screen).
DON: Just so you know, I hate you (Gets down on all fours and scampers
off-screen
in the direction of the stick while barking and howling).
PEARL: Okay, Brain Guy, now you can care of those two (Points to J.P. and
Bill).
OBSERVER(Looking at the two while "brain noises" are heard): You will leave us
alone.
You don't want to sue us now. Go bother the Sci-Fi channel.
JP and BILL(monotone): We don't want to sue you now. We will sue the Sci-Fi
channel.
OBSERVER: Excellent (Tilts head and the "brain noises" increase. J.P. and
Bill vanish).
PEARL: You made them sue the Sci-Fi channel? Fat chance that they'll see any
cash!
(All laugh)
(Credits roll)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created By Joel Hodgson.
Featuring:
Mike Nelson-Michael J. Nelson
Gypsy-Patrick Brantseg
Crow-Bill Corbett
Tom Servo-Kevin Murphy
Magic Voice-Beth "Beez" McKeever
Also Featuring:
Observer-Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo-Kevin Murphy
Pearl Forrester-Mary Jo Phel
J.P. Litigation-Patrick Brantseg
Don Barton-Paul Chaplin
ZAaT Fan-Bill Corbett
Bill Rebane-Michael J. Nelson
Stock information was found at xrefer.com.
Special Thanks To:
Roland Warner(toms...@vnet.net)-For letting me use his story and for
proofreading this MiSTing.
Joe Blevins(joe...@concentric.com)-For the information he gave me about Bill
Rebane's appearance.
Darth Kirby(georgeb...@hotmail.com)-For proofreading this MiSTing.
A person who shall remain nameless-Who unintentionally inspired me to write the
lawsuit skit.
This MiSTing is dedicated to everyone named Don.
MiSTing by Gfan516
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a Best Brains Production. It is copyrighted by
Best Brains.
This is only the work of a fan.
>The girl's face went into complete fear, and she scooted back. "Sit!" She
told Don.
Author's notes:
I don't think that (And I hope that) Roland minds that joke I made about
him.
He has said that his old work was pretty bad and has poked fun at
himself in a MiSTing of his.
I'm glad that I was able to get some material for skits out of Don. It's
pretty heard to write
skits for a bare-bones story like this (No offense, Roland).
I'll give it one thing, though. It did take an unusual, though somewhat
enjoyable,
route by showing a non-cartoon friendly werewolf.
For all of you who are reading this on the web site that I made for YTE,
I'd better explain something. I wrote down who was playing which character
so that anyone remotely familiar with the show or who has seen pictures
of the cast at http://www.mst3kinfo.com will be able to picture what
the characters will look like.
Don Barton's and Bill Rebane's portrayals in this story are to be
perceived
as cartoonish caricatures of the real people. Don Barton was portrayed as a
maniac because
his praise for his first movie.
However, The Blood Waters of Dr. Z is getting a theatrical re-release-at a
theater in Florida.
It should be noted that Mr. Rebane really has written a book about
money-saving tips for amateur film makers.
The whole "lawsuit" plot line is loosely based on true events.
I'm not sure if the following is one hundred percent accurate, it is just how I
heard it.
Believe what you will. Apparently, Don Barton Film Productions did have some
sort of meeting
with Best Brains over the usage of The Blood Waters of Dr. Z.
The Sci-Fi channel allegedly gave the movie to Best Brains, who then used
the film without knowing that the rights weren't properly obtained.
Also, similar incidents supposedly happened with The Giant Spider Invasion and
The Incredibly Strange Creatures...(You know the rest).
It is rumored that Ray Dennis Steckler is unsure about if he wants to sue
and it is also rumored that Bill Rebane is considering a lawsuit.
However, I haven't seen or heard about any official announcements about any
lawsuits.
I had some of this information from someone (Who I won't name) who was
(unofficially) promoting the video release if ZaAT
(The original title of The Blood Waters of Dr. Z). We exchanged some messages
after my comment
about how I would only buy the movie if it was the MST3Ked version.
As a result, I have learned about the apparent unofficial usage of some movies.
I would also like to say (just in case the person is reading) that this
MiSTing
is not any type of immature swipe at Don Barton or any sort of revenge attempt
for anything mentioned in his e-mails. I just saw and opportunity for a skit
and grabbed it.
If Mr. Barton or Mr. Rebane are upset by this, I'll make them a little deal:
Since I don't have any money or any thing worth suing over, they can make a
parody of me in a MiSTing. All they would have to do is write one that is
funny enough to get me and three other people to laugh.
Hey, I'm a fair guy. I'd even give them some information to help the parody if
they needed it. I would like to point out that the skits in this MiSTing
should be protected under laws regarding parodies.
Thanks for reading this and I hope that you enjoyed it. E-mail any comments to
Gfa...@aol.com.