[MiSTing] Spams of Doom: "The Builders" & ">>> ' <<< Check It Out"
Cressida
quarters finished on my hard drive for over a year, so a couple of
days ago I finally dusted it off and finished it.
Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000
SPAMS OF DOOM: "THE BUILDERS!" AND ">>> ' <<< Check It Out"
MiSTing by Juliet Youngren <jayo...@prairienet.org>
[SOL. Joel is leaning against the console, drinking a mug of coffee
and reading an issue of _Popular Robotics_. Tom and Crow enter from
the right, arguing with each other in an undertone.]
TOM: [softly] *You* ask him!
CROW: *I'm* not going to ask him! You ask him!
TOM: It was your idea, so you should ask!
CROW: Oh ... all right.
[Crow moves over by Joel. Tom comes right up behind Crow, looking
over his shoulder. Crow makes a throat-clearing noise.]
JOEL: [looking up] Oh, hi. What can I do for you, my little
mechanical friends?
CROW: [very embarrassed] Umm ... well ... Servo and I were wondering
... if you could tell us ... where little robots come from.
JOEL: [nodding wisely] Ohhh, you want me to tell you about the nuts
and the bolts? The mystery of electronic life?
CROW: Yeah. Pretty much.
JOEL: Well, you see, little robots are delivered by a giant
mechanical stork. He dropped you guys off in the airlock of
the SOL one day, and when Gypsy and I found you there, we were
so happy ....
CROW: Oh, come on, Joel! Don't insult us.
TOM: Yeah, just how naive do you think we are?
CROW: We want the *real* story.
JOEL: The *real* story?
TOM: That's right. No holding back. We can take it.
JOEL: Okay. The *real* story is that I put you two together from
spare parts I found lying around the place after Dr. Forrester
blasted me into orbit. Back on earth, people design and build
robots all the time for fun and business. See?
[He holds up the magazine and shows them an illustration. Crow and
Tom huddle in close to look at it. There is a short pause, then ...]
TOM: That's disturbing.
CROW: That's *disgusting*!
JOEL: Guys, it's just a picture of some people installing the
computer chips in a prototype robot.
TOM: How could you show something like that to us impressionable
young bots?
CROW: You've probably traumatized us for good now!
TOM: Yeah! I hope you're satisfied!
[The mads' light begins flashing.]
JOEL: Calm down, guys, Adler and Sullivan are calling. [He hits
the button] What do you want, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is grinning his usual evil grin.]
DR. F: And a good day to you too, Joel. I'm afraid I don't have a
lot of time just now, so let's get the invention exchange over
with and then go straight to your daily dose of PAIN. I'll
even let you go first.
[SOL. Joel is now holding a little device like a wrist-mounted
calculator. He puts it on as he speaks.]
JOEL: My invention today is for people who have to watch what they
eat, or people who are just concerned about having a healthy
diet. You set it for your normal daily calorie intake and
enter any medical conditions you have, like diabetes or high
blood pressure. Every night at midnight, it resets itself to
display the amount of calories, salt, fat, and so on that you
can consume for the next 24 hours. Then each time you have a
meal, you just punch in what you ate, and it tells you how
much you have left for the day. For instance, let's say I had
a hamburger and french fries for lunch. [He presses a few
keys on the device and peers at the little screen.] According
to this, I can have half a lettuce leaf or two stalks of
celery for supper if I want to come out even. What do you
think?
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: An interesting idea, Joel, but as usual, lacking that little
touch of cruelty that marks a truly fine invention. Look at
my latest project, for example. [He holds up a device looking
much like Joel's, except that it is lime-green.] I call this
the "Evilometer," for the busy bad guy who wants to stay
ahead. Every night at midnight, this device sets itself to
display your quota of evil deeds for the next day. Then you
simply punch in your actions as the day goes on, and it keeps
track of how much you have left to do. For example, this
morning I took away a child's lollipop and refused to help an
old lady across the street. [He punches a few buttons, looks
at the result, and frowns.] Hmm, looks like I'm a bit behind
so far. Well, I'm sure that will change after your
experiment. Today I'm sending you a couple of doom-ridden
spams which showed up on my computer the other day. Don't
enjoy!
[SOL. Lights, sirens, pandemonium.]
ALL: Ohhhh, we got spam siiiiiiign!
[Door sequence ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... *]
> Date: 11 Oct 99 22:15:53 -0800
> From: Kevin <kevi...@mindspring.com>
ALL: Hi, Kevin!
> Subject: THE BUILDERS!
CROW: Isn't that a music group from the '70s?
JOEL: You're thinking of The Carpenters.
>
> July 26, 1999
> "THE BUILDERS WILL RETURN!"
TOM: Will they finally finish the porch this time?
>
>
> Hello,
>
> I am a 42 year old Christian man. Soon after receiving the Holy Spirit
> in January of 1995,
CROW: [Kevin] ... which arrived with postage due ...
> I was the recipient of a prophetic vision from the
> Lord.
CROW: [Kevin] It came C.O.D.! Any more enlightenment and I'm going
to be broke!
> One afternoon while preparing to run errands, I fell into a
> trance-like state.
JOEL: Oh, I get that sometimes too. It's just procrastination.
> I saw the Pyramids of Egypt and a calendar of stone
> spinning around me. There was a date on the calendar, May 5, 2000.
TOM: Ha, I guess that's what you call an appointment "carved in
stone"!
> As
> the vision came to a conclusion, these words were abruptly planted in
> my mind; "THE BUILDERS WILL RETURN."
CROW: Sounds like a commercial to me.
TOM: Beamed directly into his brain from a satellite, no doubt.
JOEL: That's what happens when you forget your tinfoil hat.
> I immediately drove to my
> parent's home to tell them of my experience.
TOM: ... and completely forgot about the errands I was going to run.
> I described the vision to
> my father and the words given to me. My father asked me what these
> words meant.
CROW: Dad's not too swift on the uptake, is he?
> I replied, "On May 5, 2000 the builders of the pyramids
> will return." "Who are the builders," he asked. "The same demonic
> beings responsible for
TOM: Cop Rock!
CROW: Velveeta!
JOEL: Martha Stewart!
> UFO's," I replied. He looked at me with
> surprise
JOEL: [Kevin's dad] I always thought UFO's came out of cereal boxes.
> and pondered what I had told him. After this I told 10-15
> people of the vision, receiving various reactions.
TOM: Everything from "You're nuts" to "You're certifiable."
> With the
> encouragement I've received from the Holy Spirit and the people close
> to me, I feel it's time to make this known to others.
CROW: He's ... he's not going to come out of the closet, is he?
> These so-called
> aliens of UFO's are interdimensional creatures capable of manifesting
> into the physical realm. They are not emissaries of Our God,
JOEL: So, they're not the Blues Brothers.
> they are
> not coming out of concern or to assist mankind in any way,
TOM: They just want to sell us magazines!
> instead they
> will assist Satan in preparation of his final assault.
CROW: --on peanuts! Heheh, get it? Assaulted peanuts ... heh.
> This UFO
> sighting will be witnessed by a multitude of people, possibly
> worldwide.
TOM: These people won't actually see the UFOs, mind you. They'll
just witness the sighting.
> This will make their existence undeniable, fanning the flame of
> conspiracy against the True Word of God. They will manipulate Bible
> interpretation with lies and deceit,
JOEL: I think they've already arrived. They're called
"televangelists."
> resulting in the Rebellion against
> God spoken in II Thessalonians Chapter 2.
CROW: Is that the part where humanity goes out and gets a nose ring?
> An increase in Christian
> persecution is inevitable. Assassinations and random killings of
> Evangelists, Ministers, and other acts of senseless violence will
> occur.
TOM: They'll be killing off random acts of violence?
JOEL: That is what it says.
TOM: Isn't that a *good* thing?
> All this and more will take place before Christ calls for the
> True Church and the Seven Year Tribulation begins.
CROW: I saw that! Marilyn Monroe in a low-cut white dress, whoo!
JOEL: That's The Seven Year *Itch*.
> I am a layman in
> Christ Jesus. I am not writing a book
TOM: No, it just feels like it!
> nor laying any foundation for
> monetary gain on prophecy from God. So please take this to heart.
JOEL: Please hug it and pet it and call it George!
> Perhaps some of the recipients of this letter might display it on their
> website as from an outside source.
CROW: Goodness knows they wouldn't want to claim it as their own.
> Nevertheless, I'm confident the Lord
> will see that it reaches the people it was written for.
TOM: You mean ... us?
[All look around nervously.]
>
> May 5, 2000: "THE BUILDERS WILL RETURN!"
JOEL: Coming to a theater near you!
TOM: [quickly] Check local listings for times and show dates.
>
> Sincerely,
> Kevin Lye
>
CROW: He's a soapy guy, isn't he?
[They get up and leave the theater.]
[Door sequence: * ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
[Bridge of the SoL. The communications light is flashing.]
JOEL: Hey, looks like somebody's hailing us.
[He pushes the communications light and the hexfield opens to show the
interior of a spaceship. Two alien beings in ancient Egyptian-style
costume are inside. The first, played by Mary Jo Pehl, is at the
controls. She is wearing a white robe and elaborate wig, and her eyes
are outlined with kohl. (Think Liz Taylor in _Cleopatra_.) The
second being, played by Michael J. Nelson, is wearing nothing but a
white loincloth and a wide jeweled collar. He is standing in the back
with his arms folded, sulking.]
BEING 1: [brightly] Hi there!
JOEL: Hi! Are you the builders of the pyramids?
BEING 1: Oh, do you like them? Yes, those are ours.
TOM: Uh, aren't you guys returning a little early?
BEING 1: No, actually, we're late. Somebody [She glares at BEING 2]
left his daytimer behind and we have to go back for it.
BEING 2: Aw Mom, I told you I didn't lose it on purpose.
BEING 1: I just hope this doesn't mean we're going to be late for
Imhotep's party. I hate it when all the lotus dip is gone
before we get there.
JOEL: So are you guys really demonic beings?
BEING 1: Why yes, how did you know?
CROW: Cool! You mean you're really evil creatures from the pits of
hell?
BEING 1: What? No, we're from the planet Demonos.
BEING 2: It's boring. Lots of shopping malls.
BEING 1: Go see if you can reach your father again. Maybe he can
find your daytimer and come meet us.
BEING 2: Yes, Mom.
[Lights and sirens start to go off on the SoL's bridge.]
JOEL: Well, good luck. We've gotta go now because we've got
Apocalypse Siiiiiiiiign!
[The hexfield closes as our heroes race for the theater.]
[Door sequence: 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... *]
> Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 21:52:16 -0800 (PST)
> From:jk...@vis.cc
JOEL: Does "JK" stand for "Just Kidding"?
> Subject: >>> ' <<< Check It Out
>
> See this ' that is what a multi-warhead looks like
> just before it hits the ground.
CROW: Gee, somehow I always thought they'd be ... bigger.
JOEL: Pointier.
TOM: More explosive.
> In a few months when
> all of your societies begin to totally collapse,
JOEL: [valley girl] Like, my society totally collapsed! There was
no nail polish anywhere!
> you
> are going to see a whole bunch of these '
> all over the place.
TOM: I already do, every time I pick up a newspaper!
>
> You have 2 months to live.
CROW: Whoah! Can't you break it to me gently, Doc?
> Are you comfortable?
[All shift around in their seats.]
JOEL: Yeah, at least the chairs are good.
> Got enough food in the house?
> Electricity working?
TOM: Hey, if you're wondering how we eat and breathe, you should
really just relax.
> Got fuel for the car?
CROW: Plenty of fuel, no car to put it in.
> Well come January 1, 2000 all that is going to change.
> You know that little Y2K thing where many of the computers in the world
> are just going to shut down on Jan 1.
TOM: Just going ... to ... what?! Joel ...?
JOEL: Relax guys, I made sure you're Y2K compliant.
> Well that little problem is going to collapse all the economies in the
> world.
CROW: They'll fit into a shoebox by the time it's over!
> No more food, electricity, fuel, communications etc.
JOEL: No phone! No lights! No motor cars!
TOM: Not a single luxury!
> all those
> things are going to shut down like that "snap" (maybe a week or so)
CROW: Pretty long "snap."
> and
> the survival of the fittest will become the law
> until the antichrist takes over the world.
JOEL: After that, it'll be survival of the cutest!
>
> YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR THAT
TOM: Glad we have his permission.
> IT'S BEST TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS
CROW: Wait a minute, didn't he just say we could stay?
>
> BUT THE RAPTURE WILL NOT OCCUR UNTIL
> THE UNIVERSE IS PROPERLY DISPLAYED
TOM: And *that* will not occur until God gets the vertical hold
fixed.
>
> STAND UP AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH !
JOEL: OK. [They all do so.] I feel kinda silly ....
>
> THE UNIVERSE SPACE ENDS & MOVES O /\ + \/ O
> The discovery of the understanding of the universe.
> 2
CROW: No, 42, actually.
> E=MC The equation for the atom bomb. It says that matter and energy are
> the same thing. So then what is that? Matter, look at a brick.
TOM: Brick, look at matter.
JOEL: First one to blink loses.
> Its in a
> three dimensional form.
CROW: Unless it's one of those four-dimensional "time bricks."
> Its made of electrons, protons and neutrons
> (atoms) and they are moving so the brick is moving. Energy, sunlight.
> Its in a three dimensional form.
TOM: Sunlight is three-dimensional?
JOEL: Sure. I always had to avoid tripping over big chunks of
sunlight on my way to school.
> It comes to us from the sun therefore
> it is moving. 3D and moving Both matter and energy are 3D and moving.
> I outproduce Einstein.
CROW: Is this a Walt Whitman poem?
> We already know all matter has gravity.
JOEL: Ooo ... that's heavy, man.
> The
> bending of light shows that energy also has gravity. So matter and
> energy are 3D
TOM: But you need special cardboard glasses to see them.
> moving with gravity. The universe is made of matter,
> energy, time and space.
CROW: [perky] And waffles!
> That just stated is the matter and energy part.
> Time and space. Take everything in the universe and stop it.
JOEL: I'll need a gold watch for that.
TOM: That's pretty obscure, Joel.
> Does time
> progress? No. Therefore time is the motion
TOM: Yeah, but "If I Could Save the Motion in a Bottle" just doesn't
have the same ring to it.
> and the understanding of all
> the motion is the understanding of all of time. Space.
CROW: The final frontier.
> Space ends. Space
> does not go on forever. Space is in a three dimensional form. Space
> moves but does not have gravity. Space moves like this. O /\ + \/ O
CROW: Time flies like an arrow.
JOEL: Fruit flies like a banana.
> And that is the understanding of time.
> O This is what was first, in the beginning.
> /\ This is the old kings and queens.
TOM: A couple of the really skinny ones, leaning against each other.
> + This is democracy.
CROW: Diametrically opposing viewpoints at cross purposes? Sounds
about right.
> \/ This is socialism.
JOEL: Looks like socialism's headed down the tubes.
> O This is when the Lord Jesus Christ returns.
TOM: At zero-hour?
> And that is the understanding of the universe.
CROW: Somehow I thought it would be more complicated than that.
> Glory be to the Father
> the Son and the Holy Ghost. Revelation chapter 10&11;15-19. It is very
> important the people receive this information. You may tell someone
> about this.
> Thank You
> Robert Lavelle
JOEL: [as they get up to leave] No, thank *you*, Robert.
[Door sequence: * ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
[SoL Bridge]
TOM: Joel, I'm confused about something.
JOEL: What's that?
TOM: Well, the first message we read today said that the world is
going to end on or about May 5, 2000. But according to the
second message, there won't even *be* a May 5, 2000, because
everything's going to fall apart by January 7.
JOEL: Well, Tom, the idea of the end of the world has fascinated
people all throughout history, and nobody can agree on how or
when they think it's going to happen. Robert Frost even wrote
a poem about it:
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."
TOM and CROW: Wow.
JOEL: I guess the moral here is just to try to be a good person and
not worry about it too much.
[The mads' light begins flashing. Joel taps it.]
JOEL: What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking at his Evilometer and frowning.]
DR. F: I think I need to do one more evil deed today, or I won't make
my quota. Oh, Frank! I need you to do me a favor ...
[Frank strolls up.]
FRANK: Sure, Steve, what is it?
DR. F: This.
[He grabs a handy clown hammer and whacks Frank over the head with it.
Frank soundlessly tumbles out of sight. Dr. Forrester presses a
button on the Evilometer, and it plays a short tune. He looks up,
smiling.]
DR. F: Until next time, boobies.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2000 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved.
"THE BUILDERS!" belongs to Kevin Lye. ">>> ' <<< Check It Out"
belongs to Robert Lavelle. "Fire and Ice" is copyright [c] 1920
by Robert Frost.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Kevin
Lye, Robert Lavelle, or Robert Frost is intended or should be
inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
implied or should be inferred.
> Space moves like this. O /\ + \/