[MiSTing] The Story Without A Name
Jim W.
Turn down your lights...(to lower your electric bill.)
In the not-too-distant future,
January of '99,
Pearl Forrester has kept Mike in pain,
And has done it for quite some time.
But now with the castle all blown up
Her ghostly ancestors have seen enough.
They saw that Pearl's plans were too diverse
So they sent her packing for the edges of the universe!
(PEARL: I'll be back!)
"I'll send Mike cheesy stories,
The worst ever made. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
So that my destiny can be saved." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends.
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT ("Hit it!")
GYPSY ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Repeat to yourself "It's Hypertime",
And then you can relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike, Crow, and Servo are on the bridge. On the counter are
assorted objects seen on commercials, such as Propecia, a Gateway
Computer, Proactiv, and a Star Wars Episode I droid fighter.
MIKE: Okay guys, it's product testing time! What're your results
after using all these items?
CROW: Well, Mike, the Gateway Computer that was "custom made" actually
looks just like the computer everyone else got. But the good side
is it came with this neat little cow toy. [holds up squishy cow toy]
MIKE: All right...
SERVO: Mike, the propecia works remarkably well. It can even grow
hair on a robot.
MIKE: I don't see any hair on you, Servo.
SERVO: I wasn't talking about me.
[Gypsy enters, but she's just a giant ball of hair.]
GYPSY: I wonder how long this'll last!
MIKE: Riiiiight.
CROW: The Star Wars: Episode I droid here is quite entertaining...
if I was an annoying little kid with an attention span shorter than
Danny DeVito.
MIKE: I like what you've done today, gentlemen. Now my test results
on Proactiv were quite interesting. Here is a picture of me before I
started using it:
[shot of Mike smiling]
'BOTS[voice-over]: Eeeeew.
MIKE[voice-over]: And this is a shot of me after I started using it.
[same picture]
'BOTS[vo]: Wow!
[bridge]
SERVO: It works great!
CROW: Yeah, it's hard to imagine how you looked before!
*commercial sign*
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[commercials: Steve Austin dons VR goggles and punches out Bill Clinton
STEVE AUSTIN: I am Sci-Fi.]
[SOL] There's hair everywhere.
MIKE: Gypsy, you're shedding like crazy!
GYPSY[off-screen]: Well, so-ry, Neljerk!
MIKE: Just use the zoom-groomer once in a while, okay?
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Hey, wuz up, Tom and Huck?
[Death Star] Bobo and Observer are standing beside Pearl,
who is on a stretcher. They are in the lobby of a futuristic
hospital.
OBSERVER: Hello, it's me, Basil Exposition. Bobo and I arrived
safely at the Death Star, and we rushed Pearl straight to the Family
Carefree Hospital on level 12-B. They say they'll be with us as soon
as possible.
NURSE OVER SPEAKER: Now providing TLC for number 34.
OBSERVER: Damn! Well, 2,947 isn't that far away now!
BOBO: Hey, Brain Guy, let's go get some tortillas at that Taco-Bell
over there.
OBSERVER: But we'll miss our number.
BOBO: Look, I can at least count and I can tell you we're going to
be waiting a while.
OBSERVER: Well, all right. Mike, today's fanfic is called...um...
I don't know. Just read it. [sound]
[Bobo and Observer exit]
NURSE OVER SPEAKER: Now providing TLC for number 35.
[SOL] *movie sign* Mike is desperately trying to get the hair
off his jumpsuit with a lint roller.
MIKE: Aaah! Movie siiign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter and sit]
>"Read me the invitation again," said Lauren trying to keep the 1965
>aquamarine thunderbird convertible on the twisting country gravel
>road.
CROW[Jeff Foxworthy]: If your car is older than your great uncle Bill,
you might be a redneck.
> "You're driving to fast," said Ryan
SERVO[Ryan]: I wanted to drive to Illinois.
> "I am not now read the letter"
MIKE[Ryan]: Fine, fine... "Dear John..."
> "I've read it five times" replied Ryan "please slow down now"
SERVO[Ryan]: Or I'll break your friggin' knee caps.
>All the blood in Ryan's face drained leaving his already pale face
>completely white as Lauren sped around a sharp curve.
MIKE: It's Driver's Ed like you've never seen before!
>Lauren looked over to her partner telling him with her eyes to read
>the letter they had received from Mrs. Fairfax of Rosehaven Manor
>three days ago.
CROW: Hey, let's see if we can't fit more fake Brittish names in here.
>Lauren Green was a modern woman with modern ideas
MIKE: But she couldn't afford a modern car.
>and had always been the boss when it came to work and Ryan knew that,
>although her relatively small frame compared to the robust size of
>Ryan's build led people to believe otherwise.
SERVO: Of course, everyone knew Mrs. Fairfax was the burliest of them
all.
>Her long blond hair, blue eyes, youthful face and tan skin gave the
>impression of the ditzy cheerleader type,
CROW: And the pom-poms she had glued to her wrists helped, too.
>which she had to overcome to become a serious writer.
MIKE: Give me a "pen!" Give me a "sill!" Yaaaaay, PENCIL!
>She owed much to her counterpart Ryan Write, a typical Californian
>with sun blond hair and muscular build but whose nerves didn't fit
>the fast paced lifestyle and chose what he thought would be a subdued
>career of writing about old houses.
SERVO: How more subdued can you get?
MIKE[Bob Vila]: Now what we're gonna do today is write about houses.
You get your T-square on the board nice and even, and draw some of
these here guide lines...
>Obeying Lauren's requests he reached into his pocket and pulled out
>a folded piece of flowered stationery with writhing on it.
CROW: No fair! Mike, the word is misspelled so it's another word,
but I don't know how we can make fun of it!
MIKE: Just let it go.
CROW: Aww...
>He read:
> "Dear Miss. Green and Mr. White
SERVO and CROW: CLUE! YAAAAAY!
>I thoroughly enjoyed your book Mysterious Houses I thought your
>blah blah blah"
MIKE: Geez, even the letter-writer didn't care about it."
>Ryan skimmed down to the part Lauren wanted to hear,
CROW[Ryan]: "Your inflatable man should arrive in the next five days."
MIKE[Lauren]: Yes!
>"I welcome you to my house in the wilds of the Adirondack Mountains.
>I think you'll find your visit most interesting and well worth the
>trip.
SERVO: That is, if those grizzlies don't try and kill you.
>I am opening my house for the first time in many years to a select
>group of people this weekend.
MIKE: Unfortunatelly none of them could make it so I picked your
names out of the phone book.
>Please consider my offer, who knows what things await you.
CROW: Oh, no! Not things!
>Forever yours Mrs. Martha Fairfax, Rosehaven Manor" Ryan folded the
>letter again and put it back in his pocket.
MIKE[Ryan]: Think that's enough exposition?
CROW[Lauren]: No, read it again.
MIKE[Ryan]: Aww...
>Lauren continued to stare blankly at the road as if she was in
>another world. "Hello you all right?" asked Ryan
CROW: This road leads to the Twilight Zone.
> "Yeah I'm fine" Lauren replied after a pause. She looked
>briefly over to Ryan and smiled and then pressed hard on the gas
>pedal making the engine roar as they sped ever closer to their
>destination.
SERVO: Clearly Lauren doesn't like Ryan and wants him to throw up.
>They continued the rest of their ride in silence till they reached
>the gates of Rosehaven Manor around sun set.
> "We're here" said Ryan as the rolled up the long driveway and
>approached the old weathered stone house. They parked the car in
>front of the main entrance behind a line of cars and walked up to the
>house.
MIKE[Ryan, dumb]: Mrs. Fairfax must have a lot of kids. Look at all
these chalk silhouettes on the sidewalk!
>The door opened for them before they had a chance to knock and a
>tall well-dressed man appeared before them to welcome them in.
SERVO: Lurch, old buddy! How ya doin'?
> "Good evening Miss. Green and Mr. White. Mrs. Fairfax has been
>expecting you
CROW: STOP!
[fanfic stopps]
MIKE: Crow, what is it?
CROW: Wasn't Ryan's last name Write at the begining?
MIKE: Crow, we don't care.
CROW: ...well, I do!
SERVO: Keep it going, Cambot.
[fanfic continues]
>and has asked if you would join her in the parlor with
>her other guest as soon as you arrived. You may leave your luggage
>there and it will be taken to your rooms."
SERVO: If it doesn't get stollen first.
>said the tall man in a very deep voice. They were led through a
>great hallway to a pair of enormous wood doors on their right.
MIKE[stupid]: You know what? I bet they made those doors out of
a real big tree.
SERVO: Really?
>The unnamed man that had greeted them opened the doors with a very
>load creaking noise and motion for them to go in to the room.
CROW: He did it again! He left off the suffix on "motioned"!
MIKE: Crow, if you persist upon nitpicking the fanfic I'll have to
throw you out.
CROW: But...
MIKE[Dr. Evil]: Zip it.
>Once inside he closed the large door behind them. The room they had
>just entered was somewhat large with a very high ceiling. Bookshelves
>lined the to opposing side walls and two great arched windows faced
>them on the far wall. With the faint scent of old musty books the
>room looked more and felt like a typical old liberty then a parlor
SERVO: Give me liberty or give me a parlor!
MIKE: "I have a spelling checker, it came with my PC. It planely
marks four my revue misteaks I can knot sea..."
>but the furnishings were of the formal look with uncomfortable
>looking chairs and a couch. Sitting in them were four people
>chatting among themselves.
CROW: I think we all know where this is going.
MIKE: Yeah, except for that guy sleeping in the third row.
>As Lauren and Ryan walked in a lady dressed in a very fine evening
>gown stood to greet them.
SERVO: Are you the gullable idiots I ordered?
> "Ahh Miss. Lauren, Mr. Ryan how good of you to come. I am Mrs.
>Fairfax owner of Rosehaven, but please call me Martha.
MIKE: Martha Stewart. It's my real name. I'm helping to spruce this
old dusty manor up a bit.
>I hope your trip was pleasant." She led them over to the middle of
>the room and told them to sit down. She then began to introduce the
>other people in the room. "This is Mr. Ross Wether a prominate New
>York private detective
CROW[Martha]: Unfortunately he hasn't got a publisher yet. Too bad.
He's a nobody. Get him out of here.
>and to his right is Mrs. Mary Brown a
>historian who has done an extensive study of the Fairfax family.
MIKE[Mary]: I have concluded that the Fairfaxes were a large family.
Thank you.
SERVO: Hey, this has to be clue. The characters have colors for names.
>And finally to your left is Mr. Ray March an archaeologist who is
>very famous within his field and has a peculiar knowledge of bone
>identification." When Mrs. Fairfax finished with all the
>introductions they all exchanged their hellos and glad to meet you.
SERVO: So nice to kill you. --I mean "meet you."
>Lauren who was one not to beat around the bush got right to the
>point.
CROW: I'm here to write about your lives in the hopes that readers
everywhere will take steps so as to not turn out like you loosers.
> "I must say that what I have seen of your house already I can
>tell that it must have a very interesting past and one I would like
>to write about
MIKE: But she's only seen two oak doors and the library!
>but I am very curious as to why this you have invited this mixture
>of people you must have some goal for us to bring us all here."
SERVO[Martha]: They're here to identify your body, silly!
> "You are quite right Miss Lauren. I do have a motive for
>bringing you all here. In a recent remodeling of the basement
>something was unearthed that created for quite a stir and which
>has uncovered a very old mystery."
CROW: One that will involve these six weapons...
>Mrs. Fairfax got up and walked over to a plain brown cardboard box
>and pulled out something that was wrapped in a towel. She walked
>back over to the group and set the bundle on the small table in
>front of them. "In this towel is our mystery that I wish us to solve
>and then for you two to write about"
MIKE[Martha]: I want to know how old this dust is.
>She looked in the direction of Lauren and Ryan and then back to the
>mass on the table. She began to unwrap it to discover a
>small-yellowed skull.
ALL: Eeeeeew!
> "I think Mr. March should be the first to give us his
>impression of the specimen." Said Martha. Mr. March reached over and
>pick up the skull to examine it. His eyes roamed over and over
>analyzing every inch of surface.
SERVO[March]: From what I can tell, it looks like a skull of some sort.
> "Well I believe that this skull is very old indeed perhaps as
>early as 1600 to 1650.
CROW[March]: But, hell, it could be five days old! I don't know!
>We can do tests to find a closer date. It is a male, pre adolescent
>about 10. The hole in the back of the head suggests that death was
>caused by a blow to this area." Mr. March surmised
MIKE: A blow to the area sure would do the trick.
> "So you believed this boy was murdered?" asked Ryan
> "Perhaps" answered Mr. March "but it could have also been
>caused by a terrible fall. The back of the head is badly damaged to
>almost the point of being completely crushed.
SERVO: That's really obvious. Could you tell us something usefull,
please?
>Whatever caused this must have been a terribly great force."
CROW[March]: It is strong in this boy.
>They all exchanged looks of wonder with each other and after a few
>moments of silence Mrs. Fairfax spoke up.
MIKE[Martha]: To hell with this. Let's just have some tea!
> "Mary why don't you take a minute and give us the story of
>what happened when the house was built. I think you all will find
>this most interesting."
SERVO[Mary]: I wasn't here when this house was built, how would
I know? I'm not *that* old!
> "Well the house was built in 1621 by Edward Fairfax. His wife
>Catherine and his four young children moved in to the house and
>right from the beginning there were reports of strange events that
>took place in the house. First the oldest son disappeared while the
>house was in the process of being built and he was never found. He
>was nine."
CROW[Mary]: Strangely enough, the house has no right angles and
has been the center for insomniac studies for centuries.
> "It is possible that this is him then" interrupted Lauren
MIKE: Of course it could be just a trinket somebody brought
back from their trip to Africa.
> "Yes, the boy was heir to the family fortune and if he was
>dead his cousin, Mark would inherit it. There was also talk of a
>strange man in the area at the time who later was found guilty of
>murdering a child in the area.
SERVO: Sadly, no one cared to find out who the child was.
>The clues may be old but still here in this house."
MIKE: Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby take the attic.
>What do you think?
>How do you think this story should end?
SERVO: Wait...what?
CROW: When?
MIKE: Why?
[pause]
ALL: No more story! Woo-hoo!
[All exit]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are each holding a piece of paper.
MIKE: So, how do you think today's story should end, Servo?
SERVO: Ahem... "All the characters give up and go home. The end."
MIKE: All right... Crow?
CROW: "A long-burried romance between Lauren and Mrs. Fairfax
comes to the surface, and by the end of the story, everyone ends up
not caring about the skull."
MIKE: Well, I wrote that everyone solved the mystery of the Sullen
Skull and then went to Burger King to celebrate.
GYPSY: Here's my story... "Everyone lived happily ever after."
[pause]
SERVO: Gypsy, you didn't even read the story, did you?
GYPSY: Well, I've got better things to do, you sorry excuse for
an automated superball spitter! Jeez! [exits]
*Mads' sign*
CROW: I like her this way.
[Death Star Hospital]
WOMAN OVER SPEAKER: Now taking number 2,948.
[Observer and Bobo come running back with their arms full of tacos
and other assorted Mexican foods.]
OBSERVER: Damn! We missed it!
BOBO: Well, we'd better take another number.
OBSERVER[throwing number in trash]: Blasted hospital...
[Observer and Bobo walk back off-screen]
WOMAN OVER SPEAKER: Sorry, I skipped somebody. Now taking number 2,947.
[fade out. Observer and Bobo can be heard running back to the trash
can and fishing their number out.]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
original story written by: Patrick Webster
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
woman on loudspeaker: Mary Jo Pehl
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
All Star Wars characters and situations are trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
or Lucasfilm, Ltd. is intended or should be inferred.
Giant ball of fur courtesy of Nummy Muffin Cocool Butter Industries Ltd.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission is seen as a
direct violation of material and is not allowed.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
George Lucas
my buddy Pat
all you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1999 by Jim Whaley
>Lauren Green was a modern woman with modern ideas
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
recent episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
303: Attention All Heavy Hitters
304: Star Speck: Toad of Honor
305: Problems with Pokemon
306: The Knothole Murders
307: The Story Without A Name
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site,
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Jim the Ignorant (formerly Jim, that MiSTie)
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
---------------
My next MiSTing: ep. 307-The Story Without A Name