MSTing "Name of the Game" Pt 4 of 8
Brendan Herlihy
OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl, Gypsy and Magic Voice continue riffing.
>
> --------
>
>Alexa had been getting bolder about her new strata in life,
MAGIC VOICE: As the most glamorous debutante in all of New York! Amongst
those that never left the house on advice of their scheming duplicates.
>and had taken
>to dressing in Amelia's lesser designerwear
PEARL (fashion show emcee): Alexa is wrapped head-to-toe in a stunning
reproduction of style from the Kathie Lee Gifford collection of Kuala
Lampur.
>and going for short walks
>around the immediate area.
GYPSY: Well, it's New York. Every area is pretty immediate.
>Without Amelia around, she felt as if she had to
>take charge of things.
PEARL (Alexa): Stouffer's Lean Cuisine, I told you hours ago to get in that
microwave and cook!
>If she ran into a neighbor, Alexa decided early on
>that she would simply claim she was Amelia,
ALL chuckle.
GYPSY: So the evil twin's master plan revolves around Alexa laying an
intricate web of lies and deceit for no discernable reason.
PEARL: Hey, if it ain't broke...
>home for a day because she felt
>under the weather.
GYPSY (Alexa): Tidings! My identity is Amelia Page, home for the day.
MAGIC VOICE (neighbor): Er... great. I just need to bring my garbage to the
chute...
GYPSY (Alexa): Pleasantries? Why thank you! And I'm Amelia Page!
MAGIC VOICE (neighbor): Please, I have mace!
> Or some such thing.
GYPSY: Huh? Did you say that?
PEARL: No, that's the text, actually.
GYPSY: Get out.
PEARL: No, really.
>Mostly, she dressed to take the dogs
>on their morning constitutional around and in the Park,
MAGIC VOICE (sings as dog): We the canines, in order to tinkle on fire
hydrants...
> to pick up a few
>items at the shop down the street, or to get a paper.
GYPSY: "GIULIANI PARTS RED SEA". Boy, I knew the Post was partisan, but-
>On the glorious blue
>early September day in question, she was walking all three dogs and reading
>the paper at the same time,
PEARL: Let's see Gerald Ford do that!
>her hair done up in a chiffon just as Amelia
>would have, eyes hidden behind Amelia's four hundred dollar spare Armani
>sunglasses, in a two-piece skirt outfit more suited to the office than dog
>walking, and four inch high heels,
MAGIC VOICE: Sidney "Piddle" Barrows! Heh heh!
GYPSY: Oo.
>the one article of dress she had yet to
>master. Alexa hated heels -- she'd waited too long in life to try to
>accustom herself to them, and habitually found her ankle twisting around,
GYPSY: Men would never put up with this sort of thing.
PEARL: Oh yeah? Well when I rule the world, you'll never have to wear heels
again! How about that?
GYPSY: I don't have any feet.
MAGIC VOICE: Nope. Me neither.
PEARL: What the? I've seen Gypsy's closet, it's full of shoes!
MAGIC VOICE: She just likes the IDEA of having shoes. It's in her
girly-girl programming.
PEARL (after pausing): You're a sick litter of puppies up here, you know
that?
>so she had to step carefully, and slowly. This day she had walked the dogs
MAGIC VOICE: Causing the neighborhood to step carefully, and slowly.
GYPSY: Oo, no scooper. I guess she really IS impersonating her evil twin.
>and was heading home when two men, one in his fifties or sixties, one
>nearing the far edge of his thirties, approached her.
>
>The older one asked, "Ms. Amelia Page?"
>
>Here we go, thought Alexa, and slid into the part of her sister.
ALL: WHAT?!?
>"Yes, I
>am. What can I do for you?"
PEARL (man): Oh, slip your head in a noose, and get on this stepladder. We
wanna see how it looks!
>
>The elder slid a glance to the man next to him and withdrew a badge from
>his pocket, introducing himself as Detective Briscoe, and his partner as
>Detective Logan. "We'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): Well was that one of them?
PEARL (Briscoe, simmering): No, it wasn't one of them.
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): Then I don't have to answer it. Ta!
PEARL (Briscoe): Get back here, you!
>
>Alexa didn't know what to think, but knowing Amelia it was probably
>something like unpaid parking tickets, so she didn't see any harm in
>continuing the charade.
All snicker.
GYPSY (shaking her head): This is sad.
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, no harm in yanking New York City cops around by their
ears. Just dodge the first 41 bullets, they usually calm down after that.
>"What about?"
>
>"Do you know someone by the name of Frederick Martinio?" Detective Logan
>asked.
>
>She thought, and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. The last name
>sounds familiar,
PEARL: It sounds like the winning entry to the "Combine Two Common Names To
Create An Implausible One" contest.
>but I don't know the man.
MAGIC VOICE: Well find out! On A&E's "Biography"! Tonight at eight,
quarter to nine, half past twelve, and pretty much any other time you tune
in this armpit of a cable network.
> Why?"
>
>Logan and Briscoe looked at each other. "He lives right in this
>neighborhood. You sure you've never seen him around?
GYPSY (Alexa): You know, real cops would have a picture of him to look at.
PEARL (Logan, defensive): Shut up! We're getting to that.
>You know, the grocery,
>the laundromat?" Logan asked.
>
>She turned Amelia-haughty, the thought of her sister doing laundry making
>her smile. "Detective Logan, I hardly concern myself with laundry.
PEARL (Logan): Yes, I smell. Duh, see! I see!
>Most of
>my clothes are dry-clean."
>
>Logan sniffed derisively
MAGIC VOICE: <COUGH!> Yeah, good call not doing laundry. The dirt's
probably holding the fabric together at this point. Phew!
>and rolled his eyes skyward, letting Briscoe pick
>things up.
>
>"I take it that's a no. You've never seen this person." Briscoe held up a
>black and white photo and let Alexa peer into it a moment.
GYPSY: Profiler! NBC Saturday!
>"Take a good
>look."
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): So this is Martinio?
PEARL (Briscoe): We didn't say it was Martinio.
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): Well why don't you have a photo of Martinio?
PEARL (Logan): Shut up!
>
>She shook her head.
>
>Said Logan, "Can you tell us where you were last night around 11:30?"
>
>Alexa frowned. Normally she would have said "dancing at the Limelight,"
>because Wednesday nights were Limelight nights for her, each night her band
>wasn't playing she hit a different place,
MAGIC VOICE: She has a band? I do NOT believe this little priss got a band!
GYPSY: Settle down. They probably just cover old Air Supply tunes.
>but she knew Amelia hadn't been
>there. And at this moment, she was being Amelia.
PEARL: Because... well it was just the thing to do, or something.
>"I went to a party on the
>Upper East Side," she said slowly, it beginning to dawn on her that this
>wasn't about parking tickets.
GYPSY (as Alexa, nervously to self): Think rich, think rich... (aloud)
Ahem! Officer, whatever law I broke doesn't apply to me anyway!
>
>Briscoe nodded, "And you didn't see this man at the party? You didn't see
>anyone with this man?"
>
>Alexa folded the newspaper under one arm and leaned back on her hip.
MAGIC VOICE: That's it... feel the stretch into the obliques.
>"Just
>what is this about, anyway?"
PEARL (cop): A tired plot twist, ma'am. You'll have to come with us.
>
>They didn't answer a moment, and then Logan said, "Do you mind coming with
>us to talk a little more?"
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): Couldn't we have sex first- oh no, I've got it
backwards!
>
>"Certainly," she said, clipped and efficient like Amelia.
GYPSY (Logan): Um, was that certainly you'll talk, or certainly you mind?
>"My apartment is
>just a few blocks down the street."
>
>Logan, who impressed Alexa first as wearing a bad suit with a loud tie -
PEARL: Logan didn't never wear no loud ties!
GYPSY: Well, maybe he just solved a big case at a country club, and this was
the golf pro's way of thanking him.
>noticing these small things was how she realized she was fully in character
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, 'cuz in real life, Alexa had cataracts.
GYPSY: So she wouldn't be able to see anything-
MAGIC VOICE: -unless she was in character, is what I'm saying, yes.
>-- took a step toward her and said, "Actually, I was thinking that the 27th
>precinct is right around the corner. We could talk there."
>
>She didn't like him at all, this Detective Logan.
PEARL (Shakespearian): This earth, this England!
>Briscoe at least had a
>fatherly attitude -- grandfatherly almost, under a carefully brushed,
>graying at the temples head of hair his wrinkled face had experience in it
>-- but Logan had too much hair on his head,
ALL snicker.
MAGIC VOICE: You! With that hair on your head! HAIRHEAD!
>smoky hazel eyes and a hawklike
>nose that made him appear tough, and intimidating. Alexa refused to be
>bullied, and standing her ground, pushed back. "If you haven't noticed,
>Detective Logan, I have three dogs to take care of.
PEARL: Four if you count the story.
GYPSY: Oo!
>Do you need them for
>questioning, too?"
>
MAGIC VOICE (dog): Not without a warrant, immunity, and a bag of Beggin'
Strips, pal.
>Her snottiness got to him and he bit back, "Then how about we take the dogs
>with us, lady?"
PEARL (dog): Ay, you can't pin that slipper job on me, copper! I was
barking at invisible burglars all night!
>
>"Mike --" his partner started but Logan waved his hand.
GYPSY: Knave! Begone!
>
>"She wants the dogs, we take the dogs," he told Briscoe.
GYPSY (Alexa): Wait, I want a shower.
MAGIC VOICE: She wants a shower, we take a shower.
GYPSY: Dictation?
MAGIC VOICE: She wants dictation, we take dictation.
GYPSY: Cool! How about leave of your senses?
MAGIC VOICE: She wants leave of our senses, we take leave of our- hey!
>"Here, I'll take
>the mutts to the car for you."
>
>And as if the dogs were listening to the whole exchange, as soon as Alexa
>handed the leashes over, all three dogs took off at a full bolt,
ALL (call): Serpentine! Serpentine!
>barreling
>down the midway of Gramercy Park.
ALL laugh.
MAGIC VOICE (preppy): Oh I say! Meaningless, juvenile slapstick! How
crackingly clever!
>Alexa gasped and threw her hands to her
>face, nearly falling over from the idiotic high heels. Now she knew why she
>hated heels,
PEARL: They ruin her grip, apparently.
>and hated feeling this helpless. "The dogs! My dogs!"
GYPSY: The tintinnabulation of the dogs!
>she
>cried out lamely, sounding exactly like Amelia, and loathing it.
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): I've become the thing I hate the most! Whatever that
is.
>
>Logan gave her a disgusted look and took off after the animals, Briscoe
>following after one animal branched off from the other two.
GYPSY: You know, some dogs have been known to come when you call them.
PEARL: Nah, she can't. Wouldn't be in character.
>And suddenly,
>both policemen were gone, their long overcoats flying like capes behind
>them. Alexa giggled, thinking, There they go to save the day.
GYPSY: Andy Kaufman!
MAGIC VOICE: Ralph Bakshi!
PEARL: Ben Franklin!
Gyps stares at Pearl.
PEARL: But he crated Daylight Savings!
GYPSY: Madge?
MAGIC VOICE (derisively at Pearl): Newbie!
GYPSY: Thank you.
>But Alexa
>felt instantly bad for thinking that way;
PEARL (scolding): Oh, bad Alexa! No biscuit!
>the condescension was obviously
>Amelia's doing.
GYPSY: Obviously. Alexa's dishonesty and condescension are all part of
AMELIA'S master plan!
PEARL: So what'd she blame before this? Sunspots?
>Her adopted uncle had been a cop for fifteen years and she
>knew the kind of money they didn't make and how tough their jobs could be.
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, it ain't easy gettin' a broom handle that far up a perp.
GYPSY: Time out!
Madge protests, but we hear the electronic blip of her being shut off.
PEARL: You can do that?
GYPSY: I control the ship's higher functions.
PEARL: Oo, could you make her sound like a howler monkey?
GYPSY: Being in a position of authority isn't a game, Pearl.
PEARL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, power responsibility comes with awesome. What
about helium? Can you put her voice on helium?
>So, repentant at her giddiness, Alexa decided to get to the precinct on her
>own, where obviously someone was expecting her.
PEARL: The poster child for "Good Women, Bad Choices", ladies and gentlemen!
Give her a hand!
>Eventually, all of this
>would straighten out. Flagging a cab down, Alexa slid inside and asked for
>the 27th precinct station.
PEARL (cabbie): Dat's around da corner, lady!
GYPSY (Alexa): Yes, I know, but-
PEARL: Just walk! I mean, it's right dere!
GYPSY: But I'm in character, you see... wait, you're not a limousine
service!
>
> --------
>
We hear the electronic blip of Madge coming back on line.
MAGIC VOICE: Whoa, am I late for the domino rally?
PEARL: Hey Madge! I talked to Gypsy, and if you're not nice she's gonna
make you sound like a howler monkey!
MAGIC VOICE: Don't even try it, newbie.
>She was waiting there for them, amidst the subdued lunchtime lull of the
>station, when the two detectives stomped in about a half hour later with
>all three dogs in tow. Cries of "What'd you arrest em for, Mikey?" and "Dog
>pound's uptown, Logan!"
MAGIC VOICE: All the crackling wit of "Diresta", in a convenient,
easy-to-delete format!
>followed their noisy entrance into the main room.
>Momentarily relieved that none of the dogs had been mashed under a truck,
PEARL: Oh, they used a ricer, thank goodness!
GYPSY: Yuk!
>Alexa worked on slowing her heart down,
GYPSY: Alexa Radin IS "Master Ninja"!
MAGIC VOICE (as Timothy Van Patten): I thoughp mu were DEAD! You HAR stop
beaping!
PEARL: What they hey are you two talking about?
GYPSY: Oh, you really don't wanna know.
>rebuilt her composure and leaned
>against what had been pointed out as their desks by their Captain, sipping
>her thick coffee.
MAGIC VOICE (sings): 'Cuz saying all those nouns over and over... will let
us know WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
GYPSY: Let it go. It's not worth it.
>
>Across the room she watched as the bald Captain approached Logan and
>proceeded to chew him out for bringing dogs in the office.
PEARL (Alexa): Hey, we can't all be Jennifer Lopez, pal!
>She saw him
>point, and heard him say "put em in the holding cell,"
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, the homicide suspects just LOVE little rat dogs yapping
underfoot.
>then watched Logan
>thrust Swoozie, who he had been carrying, and the leashes attached to the
>other dogs at the Captain.
>
>"You do it," he snapped.
GYPSY: See, this is funny, because he knows disobeying orders and sassing
back to the captain is wrong.
>Alexa smiled across the room, watching everything
>intently.
MAGIC VOICE (Alexa): Oo... betcha he steps in poop next.
>
>"Watch it, detective. What the hell are you doing with them anyway?" the
>Captain demanded.
PEARL: They were hanging in a window in Chinatown. Real fresh!
GYPSY: Bad, Pearl.
>
>"We were talking to this witness and they ran off. She ditched us when we
>went after them." Logan put his hands on his hips and glared.
>
>"Oh, really."
GYPSY: Wait- isn't Alexa at their desk? Can't he see her? Are they on a
different floor or something?
PEARL: Well, maybe Logan has ADD.
MAGIC VOICE: Or Alexa's cataracts are virulent and contagious.
>
>"Yeah, really. So what're we supposed to be doin' with them anyhow?"
>
>"She ditched you."
>
>"Just wandered off." Logan waved his hand.
PEARL (evenly, can't contain anger): Logan- is repeating- his restatements-
of scenes WE'VE ALREADY SEEN!!!
GYPSY: Shh! He has ADD!
PEARL: Oh, right. Sorry.
>"Amelia Page. Wasn't answering
>her doorbell, either."
MAGIC VOICE: Well her doorbell called her best friend a slut!
>
>The conversation was growing more audible as Logan and his Captain, Briscoe
>somewhere behind, approached their neighboring desks. "She didn't wander
>far."
>
>"What?"
GYPSY (as mother talking to child): Honey? Watch me speak. She, didn't,
wander, far. Say it back to me. Come on, you can do it!
>
>The bald policeman pointed as they arrived at the desks. "Your hosts are
>here," he told Alexa, and she let the smile grow a little bigger as the
>detectives realized she was waiting for them. Their superior officer led
>the dogs to a waiting assistant, who walked them to the back of the room.
ALL imitate growling rabid dogs.
GYPSY (as panicked officer): DAAAHHH! Get'em off me, get'em off me!
>
>Standing straighter, she put her coffee down on the desk. "Thank you,
>Detective Mike, for retrieving my dogs for me." She turned to Briscoe.
>"Will they be all right until we're done?"
>
>"I think so, Ms. Page."
>
>Logan rolled his eyes. "Let's get this over with."
MAGIC VOICE: Ms. Montague should be required to print that sentence ON EVERY
SINGLE PAGE!
GYPSY: Calm, now. Lower the heart rate. Bring it down.
>
>"Wait, Mike," Briscoe told him, pointing at a calendar on the desk. "We're
>already late for that lunch thing with Stone and all them."
PEARL (Briscoe): I'se talkin' in my accent, 'cuz we'se from New Yawk.
>
>That pissed Logan off but good.
GYPSY (Logan): Oo! That frosts my cupcake!
>"Great. We spend a half hour chasing these
>mutts and now we can't even take the time to talk to --"
>
>Briscoe led him off to the side. Alexa wasn't entirely sure what they were
>discussing, but it wasn't what they were about to have for lunch.
PEARL: Real casual murder investigations they have there in Manhattan.
MAGIC VOICE: Well, it's a theater community, you see.
>After
>some behind-the-hand discussion, they came over to her.
MAGIC VOICE: Shouldn't someone be walking in with a lab report at this
point?
>"Ms. Page, would
>you mind waiting for us for a few minutes?" Briscoe asked kindly. "We have
>to make an appearance."
MAGIC VOICE: Ballisitcs? DNA testing? Blood and hair samples? Fiber
analysis?
>
>"And we'll come right back for you," said Logan, still sarcastic.
>
>She feigned impatience, when in fact she was fascinated to see what would
>happen next.
MAGIC VOICE: Forensics? Autopsy? Fingerprints? Gun registration? License
plate number? PBA raffle winners? Anything?
>Spending all her time indoors had made any new event worthy of
>investigation.
PEARL: Unlike the recent MARTINIO MURDER!!! Jeez!
>"Well," she finally decided. "Only if you promise to bring
>me a sandwich."
>
>Logan smiled strainedly. "I think we can manage that."
GYPSY (Alexa): Good. Now remember, I'm allergic to wheat gluten, shellfish,
and MSG, plus I'm lactose intolerant and I keep glatt kosher.
>
>Ben stopped her here, putting a hand on her forearm.
MAGIC VOICE: Bad touch!
>"Wait a minute. So
>this lunch, they just left you sitting around while they left?"
>
>She nodded vigorously.
GYPSY (Stone): Oo! That nolos my contendre!
>"I don't think they meant to be gone all that long,
>but it did get longer and longer....
PEARL: Enough sex talk, young lady.
>and I got bored.
PEARL: I said, enough!
>It wasn't that formal,
>really, but you remember, don't you?" When Ben didn't show any signs of
>recognition, she stumbled on, "You were there, and so was, um, Claire
GYPSY: You met Claire?!
MAGIC VOICE: Wow! What was she like? Was she nice? What did she talk
about? Her weight, right? They all talk about their weight.
>and
>one or two other people I don't know. It was in that big cafeteria room. I
>showed up after about a half hour -
PEARL: Boy, you were really Miss Patience, weren't you?
>it was easy, I just asked somebody
>where they'd gone and they pointed me there. Mike -- Detective Logan --
>jumped up and came over to me and said a few things,
GYPSY (Alexa): Mostly what would happen if the casts of "Phantom" and "Les
Miz" met in a paintball fight.
>and then I sat at the
>table, him on one side of me, and you were there," she indicated on the
>wood table in front of her, "and Detective Briscoe was at the far end.
>You'd just had, um, salads and fish I think,
ALL snigger.
>because there were leftovers
>on the table. And a few beers."
MAGIC VOICE (Stone): You memorized my leftovers?
PEARL (Stone): Logan was right. You ARE the Royal Duchess of Whackjob.
>
>"I was there?" Ben couldn't believe the breach in protocol plus his
>inability to recall the event.
PEARL: His memory was usually- um- that long word. Photogenic.
>He began to think he understood why the
>officers had done what they did -- make her stay around at all costs,
>without ever making her think she had to stay.
GYPSY: Although taking her to the crackhouse bust on the Bowery may have
been crossing the line a bit.
>She wasn't officially in
>custody, and if they let her go they risked her being a lot harder to find
>the next time.
MAGIC VOICE: Far be it from me to advise New York's Finest, but could they
have hazarded trying to find her at, oh, HER APARTMENT?!?
PEARL: Nah, wouldn't be in character.
>Then, "Wait, I think I do remember it now." Claire returned
>to the office just then, and handed him a file. He opened it, slid on his
>reading glasses, and scanned it briefly. "Yes," he began again. "You didn't
>keep entirely quiet, if I remember right."
GYPSY: Their lunch conversation is in the file?
PEARL: Good file.
>
>"No." Alexa remembered a political and legal debate she had engaged Ben and
>one of the unknowns at the table with, a long libertarian argument that had
>encompassed gun control, the death penalty, and, improbably enough,
>cheesecake.
GYPSY (Stone): There's too much cheesecake on the Internet!
PEARL (Alexa): Oh, but some of it is very good.
GYPSY: You look at cheesecake on the Internet?
PEARL: Oh, it's just the perfect capper to a lovely romantic evening, don't
you think?
GYPSY: Well...
PEARL: You get one with a good body, and it just feels so good going down.
MAGIC VOICE (interrupting): Oh, stop it! It's not funny!
PEARL: Whadda YOU know, Ziggy? You're as funny as an enema.
MAGIC VOICE: I'd laugh through yours.
>
>"That was you," he exhaled. "I must say I'm surprised."
>
>"I can tell."
Pearl and Gypsy rise to exit the theater
PEARL: Ha! That Dorothy Parker role model stuff just paid of in metric tons
of wisecracks and mockery!
MAGIC VOICE: And that means so much, coming from the president of the Vivian
Vance Fan Club.
PEARL (stops, climbs over seat): All right, that's it! Come here, you!
GYPSY: Pearl, no!
PEARL: Stay out of this, Shop Vac!
MAGIC VOICE: Try and catch the wind, ugly bag of mostly water!
PEARL (growling, facing toward camera): Hiiiii-keeba!
Pearl lunges towards the camera, and falls out of the shot.
GYPSY (over scuffling): No! Please! Not in the theater! I just had it
steam cleaned!
Logo, Commercials - Aaaaah, Allegra!
<End Part IV>
Not plane, nor bird, nor even frog, it's just li'l ol' me, E-maildog
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