[MiSTing] "The Neelix Claus part 4: Tuvok the Snowman" (1/1)
Jim W.
TUVOK THE SNOWMAN
by Suz
MiSTed by Jim Whaley
originally posted Christmas Eve, 2000
---
episode 407 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(The Christmas tree can light up the room instead.)
In the not-too-distant future
On a lonely asteroid
Pearl Forrester and TV's Frank
Are getting real annoyed
They're looking for the worst fanfic
Yes, they haven't gotten tired of this old schtick
Once she's got it Pearl will be filled with gaiety
'Cuz she'll head on back to Earth and then reclaim her destiny!
PEARL: If you're confused, go read Season Three!
"I'll send Mike lousy stories;
The worst Frank can find. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
Until they destroy his mind." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't care
How the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
He'll do his best to escape them
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "On standby."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Oops, my head fell off."
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!"
If you're wondering how they stay alive
Through all these loathsome works (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show"
And enjoy all their funny quirks!
on SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is conducting the 'Bots, wearing winter coats and holding
songbooks.
'BOTS[very off-key]: DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL...
MIKE[flinching]: I don't think we've got it quite yet. [notices Cambot] Oh,
hello everyone, and merry Christmas! The 'Bots and I are ready to go caroling.
Just as soon as we get in tune, we're going to delight the neighbors with our
yule-tide greetings.
SERVO: Oh, and those of you who read the last episode, don't worry. We're not
out
of continuity here.
MIKE: That's right. Pearl has decided to wait until after the holidays to
annihilate us.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
CROW: Hey, Mike, I don't think we should sing this particular song...
MIKE: Why not?
CROW: We aren't dressed the part. We'd need tight-fitting speedos and 50's-era
cardigans.
MIKE: Uh...why?
CROW: Becuase the line here says "Don we now our *gay* apparel."
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
*commercial sign*
MIKE[turns back to Cambot]: While I teach Crow about the dictionary definition
of
"Gay," please enjoy these annoyingly overplayed holiday-themed commericals.
[commercials for Honey Nut Cheerios, Coca-Cola, M&M's, and Cheese]
---
[SOL]
'BOTS: IT'S HARD TO BE A JEW ON CHRISTMAS...
MIKE: I don't think that one's in the songbook, you guys.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Hey, she's calling! Okay, places everybody! And one, two, three...
ALL: DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY
FALALALALA, LA LA LA LA...
[Moon Zero Two] Pearl is center, Frank is lying in a red leather recliner in
front
of a roaring fire. The fireplace is adorned with stockings, (at least fifteen)
all with
Pearl's name on them. A Christmas tree is at the side of the room with presents
underneath, again all marked for Pearl.
PEARL: Oh, look Frank! Christmas carolers!
[Frank gets up and joins Pearl]
FRANK: Aww...isn't it wonderful in this day and age, with all the hatred and
greed
in the world, that people still sing songs of peace and harmony?
PEARL: Yes...it's such a lovely time of year. Even villains with hearts as
black
as mine are touched by that intangible force known as the Christmas spirit.
[SOL]
ALL: Merry Christmas, Pearl and Frank!
[MZ2]
PEARL: Look, Frank. After all the pain I've subjected them to, they still
muster
their kindness to wish me a merry Christmas. I'm glad I put off killing them
for
the holidays.
FRANK: Yeah.
[Pearl and Frank are quiet, happily thinking of the good times.]
PEARL[snaps out of it]: Woah, that was close. I almost lost my edge. Okay,
boys, time
for your fanfic.
[SOL]
ALL: Awww...
MIKE: Come on, Pearl! It's Christmas! Show some kindness!
[MZ2]
PEARL: You're still alive, aren't you? Anyway, this little fanfic isn't as bad
as
you'd usually get. I guess I just can't help but spare your little noggins.
After
two years, I've finally managed to find the last two parts to "The Neelix
Claus!"
[SOL] Crow starts laughing.
CROW: You mean the one where Neelix gave Janeway to Chakotay as a present?
SERVO[giddy]: And at the end Janeway started hunting Neelix with a paintball
phaser? That was a good one!
MIKE: Well, thanks Pearl. You'll finally end our prolonged suspense.
[MZ2]
PEARL: Actually, I was hoping to end your prolonged existence, but whatever.
Send it up, Frank. Merry Christmas, buttheads.
[SOL]
GYPSY: Hey, a friendly greeting and an insult at the same time!
SERVO: At least it wasn't just an insult.
*Movie Sign*
MIKE: We've got TBC siiiign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater.]
MIKE: Finally we'll see the conclusion to this epic masterpiece.
SERVO: What are you smoking, Mike?
>The Neelix Claus - Tuvok The Snowman
CROW: That's the premise for a Jack Frost/Voyager crossover.
[Mike and Servo are confused.]
CROW: I'm talking about the one with Michael Keaton.
MIKE AND SERVO: Oh. That Jack Frost.
>
>*
>
>Kathryn stalked down the corridor, her thoughts focused on one thing - Neelix.
CROW: Let's see...he forced her to do hard labor, gassed her, gave her to
Chakotay
as a present, forced her into embarrasment wearing a Santa Claus suit, and got
her top
ripped off. He's *finally* paying for it!
MIKE: Five bucks on Janeway!
SERVO: I don't know...Neelix probably learned survival skills on Talaxia...
you're on!
>
>Chakotay was accompianing her but only because he had also been affected by
Neelix's
>plan. She'd made him promise as soon as the holodeck doors closed behind them
that he
>wouldn't do anything to Neelix. She wanted to do this by herself.
MIKE: Wakachikawakachika...
CROW: Janeway's one bad mother--
SERVO: Shut your mouth!
CROW: I'm only talkin' 'bout Janeway!
>
>They came to an intersection where they paused. Closing her eyes, she tilted
her head
>back and...sniffed. Turning her head slightly she did it again. She continued
the
>strange activity until she caught a hint of what she was searching for.
SERVO: Uh...did she turn into a bloodhound or something?
CROW: Neelix must have been wearing really potent cologne.
>Instantly her eyes snapped open and she turned to the left and walked along
that
>corridor, compression phaser rifle loaded and ready to go.
>
>Chakotay was right behind her.
>
>She followed her nose for quite a while, able to track Neelix by the
distinctive
>odour he had decided to use as his cologne.
CROW: Cool, I was right.
>The first time Kathryn smelt it she'd thought he might have been some kind of
body
>odour problem,
SERVO: Neelix *was* a b.o. problem?
MIKE: Neelix, from Calvin Klein.
>but Tom had informed her Neelix was actually using it to try and gain
>the attention of females. Kathryn couldn't possibly see how. It smelt more
like he
>was trying to attract cattle.
CROW: Well, it's an easy way to rustle up dinner.
>Odd how that piece of information had now become useful.
SERVO: It's ironic because Janeway actually *wants* to smell it.
MIKE: So Neelix is attracting a female after all.
CROW: That exercise in sexual attraction sure backfired.
>
>The use of her olfactory sense came to an end when the trail led to a
turbolift.
>Chakotay cursed. Kathryn simply sent him a wry grin, pressed the button that
called
>for the 'lift, and rested the rifle upright in the crook of her left arm.
>
>He gave her an appreciative glance. "Do you know something I don't?"
MIKE[Janeway]: Yes. Your fly is down.
SERVO[Chakotay]: Thanks...wait, Starfleet uniforms don't have flys.
MIKE[Janeway]: Made you look.
>
>She grinned again but said nothing, stepping into the turbolift as the door
opened.
>He joined her. Closing her eyes she gently pressed her hand against the small
console
>next to the doors. Kathryn smiled.
>
CROW: But couldn't Neelix have simply voiced his command instead of pressing
the buttons?
SERVO: No, because that would have been the *smart* thing to do! Stupid
Neelix!
>"Deck two."
>
>*
>
>The mess hall was darkened when they walked in.
CROW[stupid Neelix]: No one will think to look for the COOK in the MESS HALL!
Hee hee, I'm so clever.
MIKE: Looks like your bet doesn't have much of a brain, Servo.
SERVO: A-ha! But we're in the mess hall, Neelix's own turf. He has a tactical
advantage.
>Quickly surveying the room for tactically defensive areas, Kathryn swung the
rifle
>about but didn't spot any likely targets. Holding her right hand up to
forestall any
>comment Chakotay might make, she listened carefully for any breathing other
than theirs.
SERVO[Janeway]: Chakotay, stop panting so much! I need to listen, and we've
only gone
about fifty meters in the first place!
>Proceeding through the mess hall will soft footsteps, she searched under every
table
>and behind the counter but he was nowhere to be found.
>
>Sighing, she thumped the end of the rifle on the counter. "He was here! I know
it."
MIKE[Chakotay]: Of course he was here...this morning at breakfast.
>
>Chakotay nodded his agreement. "I agree. But maybe it's time we cheated."
>
>The smile on his face was matched by her own as she picked up the rifle again
and
>walked proudly towards the exit.
>
>"Computer: locate Neelix."
ALL: D'OH!
>
>*
>
>They stood on either side of the doors, she holding her rifle, and he holding
onto
>nothing except for his sanity in this utterly bizarre situation of his own
creation.
SERVO: No, Neelix, don't give out! I've got five bucks riding on you!
>Looking over at him, she rose her eyebrows. "Ready?"
>
>"Ready."
MIKE: Wait, who's where? Is that Neelix?
CROW: I'm sure it's Chakotay.
SERVO: Then why is Neelix mentioned in the last paragraph?
MIKE: Let's just move on...
>
>That smiled appeared on her face again. She was really enjoying this.
CROW[Janeway]: I should ruthlessly hunt down members of my own crew more
often.
>
>"Computer: open the doors to the airponics bay."
MIKE[Computer]: Say "please."
>
>They hissed open on her command but neither of them heard anything from
within.
>Chakotay held up three fingers and counted backwards, one finger vanishing
with each
>number. After a mouthed 'one' they both twisted toward the open doorway,
Chakotay's
>arms spread to prevent Neelix making a run for it, and Kathryn's rifle raised.
She
>fired immediately.
>
>And hit her target.
MIKE: I win! Pony up, Servo.
>
>Only it was the wrong target.
MIKE: Aw, jeez.
SERVO: It ain't over yet, my friend.
>
>Growling, she stomped towards what she had hit and yanked it from its place.
Chakotay
>looked down at the object. It was a Flotter doll wearing Neelix's com badge.
Only now
>it was covered in splodges of purple paint.
CROW: Now Naiomi's poor doll has gotten dragged into this mess. Will anyone be
spared?!?
>
>"Clever..." she admitted.
>
>"He *was* a scavenger for many years. He's learnt how to survive."
>
>She frowned at his words before throwing the doll into a bunch of leola root.
"He's
>never fought against Kathryn Janeway before." And then she realised. "Of
course!"
>
>"What?"
>
>"I know where he is. Let's go!" she yelled as she pelted out of the room.
MIKE[Janeway]: He must be in the mess hall!
SERVO[Chakotay]: We've been there already.
MIKE[Janeway]: Oh...then his quarters! We'd never think to look there!
>
>*
>
>They entered holodeck two three minutes later to find a programme running. It
appeared
>to be Earth - or at least some approximation of Earth - during Winter. Snow
covered
>the ground, filled the air, and an icy wind surrounded them. Kathryn shivered
and she
>was sure Chakotay did too. Neither of them was dressed for cold weather.
CROW: Some like it hot...
MIKE: I don't think this is the right place for that riff.
>
>"Computer: reduce wind chill factor." She paused, then continued "But keep the
>snow falling."
>
>Chakotay sent her a questioning gaze.
>
>"I like the snow," was all the answer he got before she trudged forward.
SERVO[Chakotay]: 'k.
>
>Both of them searched the white blanketed area for any sign of the yellow
skinned,
>brown spotted alien but he kept himself well hidden.
MIKE[Crocodile Hunter]: Mah wife and I are in the frozen tundra here in the
Australian
Outback, searching for the rare brown-spotted Talaxian. These critters are
sharp and
sure-footed, but I'm confident we'll be able to catch up to one so that I can
imperil
myself to get ratings!
>Probably just behind a snow bank of some kind. And then Chakotay saw them. He
exhaled
>heavily in his excitement, his breath emerging in a white cloud.
>
>"Kathryn..."
>
>She turned to see him pointing towards what appeared to be a row of nine
snowmen, but
>as they drew closer they began noticing small details. The snowman on the far
right
>had pointy ears.
SERVO: Okay, all together now,
ALL[singing]: Tuvok the Snowman/Was a good facsimile...
>The one next to him had ridges on its forehead. The one next to that
>had a tattoo carefully inscribed on its forehead. It was the command crew,
involving
>both Seven and Kes.
>
>"He must have had this programme for quite a while to make them so life like."
MIKE: ...but WHY make this program?
>
>Kathryn agreed. But didn't care. She kept advancing towards the snowmen and
women.
>That was until a snowball came flying from behind the snow woman who had a bun
on her
>head. Chakotay saw it coming and dived in front of her. "Kathryn!"
CROW: It would have been funnier if the snowmen themselves were programmed to
attack them.
>
>It struck on his neck and Chakotay yelled out as he fell to the ground.
>
>She knelt down beside him. "Chakotay?"
>
>"I'm hit!" he gasped. "The damn stuff's gone down my top. It's freezing!"
MIKE: Neelix must have turned the safeties off, that rotten...
SERVO: The safeties don't affect snow projectiles. Neelix is one crafty
Talaxian.
>
>Kathryn rubbed the back of his head. "You stay here. No one takes out my First
>Officer and gets away with it."
CROW[Janeway]: If there's anyone who goes on a date with him, it's me!
>
>Walking towards the snow sculptures she didn't pause when the first snowball
hit her.
>Or the second. Or the third. She kept going, intent on reaching her target.
And then
>she did. Swivelling behind the snowwoman of Kes, she kept her rifle pointed
low,
>knowing he would be kneeling down. She was right.
SERVO: She is correct! She wins a fabulous new car!
MIKE AND CROW: [crowd cheering noises]
>
>Neelix's goggles were still in place, and she flicked a piece of snow from her
hair
>casually before speaking. "Mr Neelix. I believe you owe both myself and
Chakotay
>an apology."
>
>"Yes...yes Captain," he agreed "you're quite right. I apologise."
MIKE: That's it? Come on, Janeway, don't let it slide with that!
>
>Pulling the rifle tighter into her body, she flexed her finger over the
trigger.
>"It's a pity you didn't apologise earlier Neelix."
>
>And then she fired.
>
>TBC
MIKE: Okay, I think I won that bet.
SERVO: Well, it's too bad you did, because I can't give you the money.
MIKE: Why not?
SERVO: My arms don't work.
MIKE: YOU--
SERVO: Hee hee!
[Mike chases Servo out of the theater. Crow follows.]
>
>--
>Officially dubbed "Evil incarnate" by Eri and Martha
>"What are you listening to?"
>"A selection from Tom's jazz database--it really swings."
>http://members.tripod.co.uk/needanexit/index.html
>http://members.tripod.com/~SuzVoy/index.html
>Wanna chat? ICQ is 6730375
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] The 'Bots are on the counter, all shivering. Gypsy has a comforter
draped over
her, Servo is lying on a heat pack, and Crow's feet are in a hot water tub.
MIKE: So, guys, did you have fun caroling?
SERVO: N-n-not really.
GYPSY: 'M fo colg my mouf if frofen.
CROW: M-m-mike, could you b-bring me some hot cocoa?
SERVO: With marshmallows!
GYPSY: Fwiff Miff!
MIKE: What?
GYPSY: Fwiff Miff!
SERVO: She wants Swiss Miss.
MIKE: Oh.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Well, I don't care if our bodies ended up freezing. We brought the
warmth of
love and joy to everyone we met today.
CROW: Love. Joy. Bah humbug!
SERVO: Ah-ah...tchoo!
MIKE: God bless you. [going into a monologue] And God bless us. Every one.
[Moon Zero Two] The base is dark. The tree is lit, and candles shine on the
mantle.
Frank, in bathrobe and Nummymuffincocoolbutter slippers, carefully sneaks in.
FRANK[quietly]: Ooh, I hope Santa brings me lots of presents this year.
[Frank places milk and cookies next to the fireplace. He sits down in the
recliner
and begins to write a note.]
FRANK: Dear Santa, Thanks for coming to visit us all the way out here in the
asteroid belt. I really appreciate it. I made sure to turn the gas off so the
fire wouldn't burn you to ashes on your way in. And, I got your favorite
cookies,
E.L. Fudge.
[pause]
FRANK: Santa, I know we've been bad this year, with the SOL hostage and all,
but please forgive us. And give something nice to Pearl. She really gets upset
when she finds all that coal in her stockings every year.
[another pause]
FRANK: Santa, I don't really want anything for Christmas, except to make
everyone
here happy. Let Pearl take over the world, and let Mike and those loveable
'Bots go.
They've suffered long enough. And all I want for myself is to have the good old
days
back again. I really miss Doctor Forrester and Joel, and Crow's old voice...
Well,
I'd better go, I'm running out of paper. Merry Christmas, Santa. Signed, TV's
Frank.
[Frank gets up, puts the paper with the cookies, and sneaks off to bed. He
returns
shortly.]
FRANK[softly]: Ooh, I almost forgot.
[Frank tiptoes to the control pannel and pushes the button.]
[FWOOSH!]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Neelix Claus part 4" written by: Suz
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit
is not appreciated. Please contact the author at the e-mail address provided
below.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be
Suz
the authors of the First Amendment
and last but not least, You, the reader
This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh.
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c2000 by Jim Whaley
>The smile on his face was matched by her own as she picked up the rifle again
and
>walked proudly towards the exit.
>
>"Computer: locate Neelix."
a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
http://ws9.mistings.org
-----------------
Read four whole seasons of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000 at
http://home.nycap.rr.com/sft1b
401: Extreme Chaos
402: Sonic vs Mario
403: Flower's Quest
404: Here It Is
405: What's Q, Pussycat?
406: A Night in the Park
407: The Neelix Claus part 4: Tuvok the Snowman
408: The Neelix Claus part 5: Neelix the Red Faced Talaxian
Most of my MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
Or go to my web site, The MSTerminal;
http://home.nycap.rr.com/sft1b
http://sft1b.mistings.org
-----------------
On the next episode of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
***SEASON FINALE***
And I really mean it this time!
---
>The Neelix Claus - Neelix The Red Faced Talaxian
---
>Kathyrn smiled.
>
MIKE[Janeway]: It ain't over yet, Cupid.
---
>This also provided a bonus -
>he couldn't move. And as a special treat, he had been gagged.
SERVO[Neelix]: Okay, you guys are *never* getting your favorite desert again!
---
Episode 408: "The Neelix Claus part 5: Neelix the Red Faced Talaxian"
Coming Christmas Day on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
A Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production.
For more details, visit http://sft1b.mistings.org
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
---
"I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me"
-Sonic Adventure
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une