WT-101: Saturday [1/3]
The_First_Delta_Knight
then
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URL for full MSTing:
http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/mstings/saturday_1_WT.txt
http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/mstings/saturday_2_WT.txt
http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/mstings/saturday_3_WT.txt
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)
else
roll reel
SUMMARY:
---
SHORT:
In the updated short, the beginning of what will become a Sailor Moon epic... of
sorts... is shown. Can't really elaborate. You'll see once you read it.
---
MAIN FEATURE:
Wow. Dear, lovable, trippy Saturday. Where to begin? Well, apparently Usagi is
the main character. She talks with her friends about many things, in order of
importance these seem to be: grades, a picnic, and the destruction of the world.
However exciting this may seem, Crystal
Anne has many other things of importance to concentrate on, namely hairstyles.
"Even Luna and Artemis" are in this one! Wow! There's a fight scene that lasts
for all of two minutes, Usagi has odd and disorienting flashbacks, characters
appear and disappear at random.
Scenes end randomly. The point of view begins switching. If you can figure out
exactly *who* is saying *what* at ANY given time, you're a better reader than I.
Somehow something important is happening, but nobody really knows *what,* or if
they do they decide not to share with the reader. I'll say it once, I'll say it
again: Wow.
--
NOTE: These sound files are required for full enjoyment of the MSTie. URL's:
SOUNDFILE 1 - http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/saturday11.wav
SOUNDFILE 2 - http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/saturday12.wav
WT-01: Saturday Revision IV. Final Copy, vers. 4.00
In the not-too-distant future
Way down in Deep 13
Dr. Forrester
And Tv's Frank
Were hatching an Evil Scheme
They hired a temp by the name of Mike
Just a regular Joe they didn't like
Their experiment needed a new test case
So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space... (get me
down!!!!!!)
"We're sending him awful fanfics
The worst
That were written (la la la)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
[spoken](Frank, PUT BACK that mitten!)
Now keep in mind
He can't control
When the story begins or ends
He's fighting for his sanity
To the amusement of his robot friends-"
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT (Elusive fellow)
GYPSY (What's with Basehart?)
TOM SERVO (Sarcastic little--)
CRO-O-O-O-W! (Nutball!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breaths
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself:
It's just a show
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Fanfic Theater: 3000!
[SOL]
[MIKE on desk, by himself. He's just sitting around, killing time.]
[moment of inactivity]
[SERVO enters from right, along with CROW]
SERVO: Hey, Mike.
MIKE: Yes?
SERVO: Remember Gypsy?
MIKE: Well, sure I-- WHAT!?
CROW: Well, see, we were thinking of places on the SOL to go, and, see, she
suggested that old abandoned church--
SERVO: --In the woods--
MIKE: TELL ME you weren't playing Watcher in the Woods!
SERVO: We weren't playing Watcher in the Woods.
MIKE: That's good--
CROW: --GYPSY was playing Watcher in the Woods.
MIKE: So, what you're trying to tell me is...
CROW: Uh-huh...
MIKE: Gypsy is stuck in another dimension.
SERVO: Uh-huh...
MIKE: ...But she can still see us...
CROW: Uh-huh...
MIKE: ...Yet she can't control the ship.
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: Which means we're running on auto-pilot.
CROW: 'Fraid so...
MIKE: The EXTREMELY STUPID autopilot.
CROW: Yeah, that's the one...
MIKE: And if the auto-pilot fails...
SERVO: ...Then we either run out of oxygen and die, or we crash into another
object and die, or possibly the ship's engines combust and we die, or maybe the
ship implodes and...
[YELLOW light begins to flash]
MIKE: [calmly] Servo. Crow.
CROW: Yes?
MIKE: IF, and only IF, we get out of this situation alive...
SERVO: Yes?
MIKE: I will take your AI implants... And SMASH THEM TO PIECES!
CROW: [To camera] We'll, uh, be right back.
[commercials]
[SOL. Chaos. SERVO, CROW, and MIKE are running left to right, right to left,
screaming and throwing things about. Dust/smoke everywhere. Lights flashing,
Cambot is shaking]
SERVO: We're gonna die!
CROW: NOOOOO!
MIKE: I don't want to die in space!
SERVO: What about me!?
CROW: Help us!
[Amidst the pandemonium, a faint song can be heard]
CROW: Please, someone SAVE US!!!
SERVO: I'll donate my head to charity!
[Music gets louder... Still quite faint. By now, smoke is coming from somewhere,
probably MIKE is causing it. Ship is still going]
MIKE: [offscreen, softly] Dear God: Are you there? It's me, Mike...
SERVO: There's no time for that, you filthy atheist! WE NEED HELP!
CROW: Gypsy!? Gypsy!?
[Music can almost be heard...
DUNdundundunDUNdundundunDUNdundundunDUNdunDUN]
CROW: Why, WHY did I have to see that damn movie!? WHY!?
[In the smoke, a smokey (what else?) figure emerges... Music is loud enough now
to be easily heard. It's... THE TORGO THEME!]
[Pause. TORGO becomes visible. Panic dies down. A last hope for M&TB]
CROW: TORGO!
SERVO: Thank you thank you THANK YOU!
MIKE: [entering from left] WE'RE GONNA-- [seeing TORGO] Torgo!?
TORGO: W-w-w-what SEEMS to... BE all the... TROUBLE?
CROW: Torgo, you're our last hope! Gypsy is in another dimension, nobody here
knows how to run the ship, the built-in computer is very shaky... WE'RE
SCREWED!!!
TORGO: Perhaps the... the MASTER can be of some... ASSISTANCE?
SERVO: Oh, yes yes yes! I know he can!
[RED light begins to flash]
MIKE: Oh, of all the awful timing...
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Well, Nelbel, I see you're in a bit of a prediciment... Too bad the
Umbilicus went along with your purple friend, or else perhaps I'd send some
help... [considers it] Nahh.
[SOL too busy w/ TORGO to care]
MIKE: Torgo, will the Master help!?
TORGO: Y-y-yes, BUT it will... TAKE him a while to... get... here.
MIKE: Oh, PLEASE, let the ship hold up!
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Mike?
[SOL]
MIKE: [To TORGO] So how long exactly?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: MIKE.
[SOL]
CROW: [To TORGO] Will you stay with us!?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: That does it. Mike, I'm going to make you SUFFER. I HATE being ignored.
Your fanfic today will be a dreadful piece of jetsam entitled "Saturday," and to
make your day worse, I'll send you a short also. Entitled, "Pretty Soldier
Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors," this one is even worse than the title implies.
And, [giggles nastily] to make your suffering more intense, I'm going to spread
this out over SEVERAL experiments. Frank?
[SOL]
ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
CROW: Stick around, Torgo!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]
> Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors!
MIKE: Oh dear.
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Yep, that's a pretty line.
>
>
> The Prologue to Crystal Sailors!
> "Fall of the Crystal Moon Kingdom!"
> By Wh...@aol.com. [PG-13]
> *****************************************
> Before I begin here are the characters for this story. Note: Usagi
> and the others from earth don't appear in this story.
SERVO: [sarcastically] Because, after all, this is a SAILOR MOON fanfic.
>
> Here is the Characters for this story:
>
> Allies:
> Princess Crystallina
> Prince EchoHeart/Crystal Knight
> Mirror Knight
> Gold Knight
> Rune Knight
MIKE: Okay, okay, we get the basic point...
> Silver Knight
CROW: What about the Cement Knight? He's the best one.
> Princess Hoseki Hogosha/Sailor Guardian
> Princess Hikari Tamotsu/Sailor Light
> Princess Kiyorakasa Yuki/Sailor Purity
SERVO: Princess Monica Lewinsky: Sailor Slutty.
> Princess Uchu Tsuzukeru/Sailor Universe
> Princess Rei/Crystal Mars
> Princess Ami/Crystal Mercury
> Princess Makoto/Crystal Jupiter
> Princess Minako/Crystal Venus
> Queen CrystalStar
> Neeblix
> Catsy/Crystal Guard 1
CROW: All right, now we're *really* going into the bottom of the barrel.
> Birdy/Crystal Guard 2
> Avery/Crystal Guard 3
> Prisma/Crystal Guard 4
>
> Villains:
> Ice Titan
> Robo Ice Emporer
> Takalon
> Morgoth
> Belogore
MIKE: Finally. All right, the end.
>
> ******************************************
> Neeblix: "We are under attack, under
> attack!" Neeblix yelled as he ran down the halls of the Crystal Moon Palace of
> the Crystal Moon Kingdom.
CROW: Wow. Talk about starting your fanfic with a defining moment.
> Neeblix saw Princess Kiyorakasa Yuki and talked to her.
> Neeblix: "Where is the Princess, Princess Crystallina?"
> Princess Kiyorakasa Yuki: "I think she's with EchoHeart on done of their
> dates."
SERVO: (Neeblix, whiny) WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!
> Neeblix: "The Ice Titan and the Robo
> Ice Emporer are after her and her powers. We must find her and protect her!"
> Princess Kiyorakasa Yuki: "Right, let's go!" The two went out side and found
> the others.
> Mirror Knight: "We must defend the Crystal Moon!"
CROW: Since (Neeblix whine) WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!
> Gold Knight: "Right!"
> Rune Knight: "Guys watch your backs! There are lots of monsters running loose.
> We must protect our Princesses as well as the Crystal Moon Princess
> Crystallina!"
MIKE: You know, if I were designing a fortress, I'd make it a little bit more
impenetrable.
> Silver Knight: "Right."
> Princess Hoseki Hogosha: "There are many monsters near us. Lets transform!"
> Silver Knight: "Silver Knight Power!"
> Rune Kight: "Rune Knight Power!"
> Gold Knight: "Gold Knight Power!"
> Mirror Knight: "Mirror Knight Power!"
> Princess Hoseki Hogosha: "Crystal Moon:Sailor Guardian Power!"
> Princess Hikari Tamotsu: "Crystal Moon:Sailor Light Guardian Power!"
> Princess Kiyorakasa Yuki: "Crystal Moon:Sailor Purity Power!"
> Princess Uchu Tsuzukeru: "Crystal Moon:Sailor Universe Power!"
> Princess Rei: "Mars Crystal Power!"
SERVO: ARGH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
> Princess Ami: "Mercury Crystal Power!"
> Princess Makoto: "Jupiter Crystal Power!"
CROW: My *god,* talk about repetitive.
> The Crystal Sailors transformed. The Ice Titan was near by!
> Ice Titan: "I will destroy your precious home and your Princess! Her Powers
> will be mine!"
MIKE: (Ice Titan) I'll dance around in a miniskirt and scream random words out!
> Sailor Universe: "You harm the princess....."
SERVO: That's the general idea, yes.
> Ice Titan: "And do what? You are in no position to talk little girl!"
> Sailor Universe: "I am NOT a little girl!" Sailor Universe yelled at theIce
> Titan.
CROW: (Sailor Universe) I'm five foot four!
> Ice Titan: "Well right now, My master
> is searching for your Princess with Takalon! She is as good as DEAD!"
> Sailor Guardian: "Sailor Guardian Energy Spurt!" A bunch of energy came out of
> Sailor Guardian's hands and hit the Ice Titan.
SERVO: Plop.
> Ice Titan: "Your world is doomed!"
MIKE: Oooh, good reaction to the energy blast.
> Mirror Knight: "I hope Prince EchoHeart and Princess Crystallina can hold
> out."
CROW: Oh, no need to *help* them or anything.
>
> Else where Prince Echoheart and Crystallina were trying to hold out against
> The Robo Ice Emporer and Takalon. Queen CrystalStar was also there.
> Queen CrystalStar: "Prince EchoHeart, take my daughter to the secret chamber
> and explain why the villains are here."
SERVO: (EchoHeart) How?
> Prince EchoHeart: "Yes, your majesty! Come Crystallina!"
> Prince EchoHeart led the Princess to a hidden chamber. The Princess spoke.
> Princess Crystallina: "What was mother saying?"
MIKE: (EchoHeart) That you have horrible taste in men-- I MEAN you cannot taste
the yen.
> Prince Echoheart: "My Princess, my sweetheart, my beautiful blueberry
CROW: Ahh, how romantic.
> listen
> up. Listen good. Your mother has never told you. Do you know why the evil
> forces are here?"
> Princess Crystallina: "No." Replied the beautiful winged Princess. Her wings
> were pink. 12 feet long each, She had 6 wings.
SERVO: Really adds to her beauty.
CROW: Princess Diana could have used those.
> Prince Echoheart: "The evil forces are after you!"
> Princess Crystallina: "Why me?"
MIKE: Because of your stupid wings.
> Prince EchoHeart: "They are after you, because you are a threat to them,
> furthermore you have a special power they want. They want your hidden powers
> for their very own.
> Right now, the others are fighting to
> hold what belongs to them."
> Princess Crystallina: "And that is?"
CROW: (EchoHeart) They're fighting over who gets the innards.
> Prince EchoHeart: "They are fighting to keep you safe from the Ice Titan
> and the Robo Ice Emporer. If you fall in the hands of the villains, your
> mother will be devastated. So the Crystal Sailors are dedicated to keep
> you safe."
MIKE: (EchoHeart) Or... something... does that sound convincing?
> Princess Crystallina: "Is that so?"
> Prince EchoHeart: "Yes. They have been chosen to protect you. They were born
> to protect you and if possible, lay their lives for you. Even me. I have to
> protect your kingdom. Stay here."
SERVO: --Where you'll be an easy frag.
> Prince EchoHeart kisses his Princess. He leaves to join the others! Later,
> Crystallina hears a
> scream.....
CROW: Gagggh! Your wings!
> Princess Crystallina: "Mother!" Princess Crystallina runs to her mother.
> Princess Crystallina: "Mother, you're hurt!"
MIKE: [sarcastically] As the audience can see... or COULD see, if Crystal Knight
knew what the
HELL he was doing.
> Queen CrystalStar: "Daughter....Crystallina! Listen up. My life here is over.
> Take this Pink Crystal defeat the enemies, this world is too far gone for you
> to stay here."
> Princess Crystallina: "Where would I go?"
SERVO: Try New York. An actual CITY.
> Queen CrystalStar: "To Earth."
> Princess Crytsallina: "To Earth? That world is very primative!"
CROW: (Queen Serenity) Yes, and you'll be sent to the most ass-backwards nation
on it: Japan.
> Queen CrystalStar: "Yes, There is a band of heroes called Sailor Senshi! They
> will protect you."
> Princess Crystallina: "How can they protect me?"
MIKE: By screaming like morons and vanquishing all evil.
> Queen CrystalStar: "They can provide you protection! Place yourself and the
> entire court in hybernation sleep, that way you can be protected as long as
> possible."
CROW: Two days.
SERVO: Nahh, I'd say one and a half.
> Princess Crystallina: "I will. I will make them pay and I will make you
> proud!"
> Queen CrystalStar: "You all....ready have....." The Queen dies. The anguish of
> the Princess is heard as the Princess weeps over her dead mother.
> Princess Crystallina: "I will fight for you, mother! Crystal Moon Princess
> Power!"
> Crystallina powers up the Pink Crystal!
CROW: Wow!
SERVO: Yeah!
MIKE: [same tone] Who cares!?
>
> The Ice Titan and the Robo Ice Emperor laughs at Princess Crystallina.
> Princess Crystallina: "Crystal Moon Power!" Princess Crystallina sealed the
> Ice Titan and the others bubbles
> that are unbreakable.
CROW: (Ice Titan) NOO! Not with Pauly Shore!! Have mercy!
> Crystal Guard1: "Well done Princess, why are you crying?"
> Crystallina: "Because we must leave this place and the Ice Titan and the
> others will be free soon."
> EchoHeart: "Where will we go!"
> Princess Crystallina: "To Earth!"
> EchoHeart: "To Earth? Why Earth?"
SERVO: Because the Japanese are in desperate need of violent cartoon cliches!
> Neeblix: "There are a bunch of warriors there that can keep all of you and the
> Princess safe from harm
> by placing yourselves in hybernation
> sleep."
> Crystal Guard2: "Is it safe?"
MIKE: Hell no.
> Neeblix: "Yes, but once entered the right person that you have chosen, you and
> that person will merge. Are you guys ready?"
> Everyone shook their heads yes.
> Princess Crystallina: "Then it's settled. I will miss you all!" Crystallina
> embraces her friends goodbye. Then she lifts up the Pink
> Crystal and says...
CROW: (Princess Crystallina) God have mercy on us all.
> Princess Crystallina: "Pink Crystal hybernation sleep activate!" With that
> everyone except Crystallina are
> transported to Earth and enter their proper person. Even Neeblix was sent.
SERVO: [deadpan] Wow. How totally exciting.
> Then Crystallina spoke again...
> Princess Crystallina: "Pink Crystal Deep hybernation sleep activate!" The Pink
> Crystal Began to work on Princess Crystallina and the Pink Crystal and is
> teleported to Earth.
MIKE: So why did that require *two* seperate commands?
CROW: Who knows? Who cares?
> Once on Earth, Princess Crystallina breaks up the Pink Crystal. 2 of the
> Golden Crystals are hidden in Japan
> the other three Crystal go in with her into the tiny baby just born....
> Tsukino Usagi.
SERVO: The name that soon would start a third world war.
> And there were her sister Sarah and her two brothers
> Travis and Jonathan. Now Crystallina
> awaits the day of being free once more.
>
> TO BE CONTINUED....
CROW: ...or, hopefully... not?
>
> NEXT EPISODE:"Rise of the Ice Kingdom!"
[commercials]
>
> Hello . This is one Of my first Fan fics so please be gentle
> I accept
> flames death threats
SERVO: Why fight the inevitable death threats? Just accept them...
> and comments at Be...@linknet.net .
CROW: Add that one to my little black book...
> Disclaimer : Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi . Anything
> else is mine !
MIKE: Umm, I really wouldn't be flaunting this.
> Here are some japainese words I'll be useing though out
> this story .
> Hai...Yes Fuku...Uniform...Gomen nassi...Very sorry
SERVO: Well, so am I.
> ... nassi...sorry and
> for you poor Unforante N/A people (I'm one of them
[CROW snorts]
> oh Btw I've never seen
> a japanese eps .
SERVO: In fact, I've never seen a Japenese ep, either. Whatever the HELL that
is.
> ) Here are the names Usagi......Serene Rei ..........Raye
> Ami..........Amy Makoto.....Lita Minako......Mina Setsuna .....Susan
> Michiru Haruka Hotaru ... Unknown
MIKE: It isn't a good sign when the AUTHOR doesn't know the names...
> * * *
SERVO: Dance of the Stars!
> Usagi gleefully walked home , her hair bouncing with every step .
> Everything had been going g good for her lately .
CROW: Things took a bad turn when she appeared in this fanfic...
> She ran in the door
MIKE: [Deadpan] Oww...
> and went inside , luna trailing her . Her day was going great .
> Things were peaceful,
SERVO: No nukes, no dead dolphins...
> she got to school on time , escaped detention , and made a 76%
> on her test .
CROW: You know, I may be an unschooled robot, but even I would be ashamed of a
grade like that being my "best"...
> (I know that is a low grade just think how her grades usually are .)
MIKE: Oh, yes, let us ponder.
> "Hi mom !" she said while walking upstairs to her room .
CROW: No, honey, I'm your *ROOM*!
> "Wait a minute Usagi how did you do on that Science test . Usagi turned
> around and handed her the paper .
SERVO: Crystal Anne sure does make spare use of quotes.
> "Usagi that is a very good grade for you
> ." She hugged Usagi .
CROW: (Usagi) Mom, not now!
> Luna smiled and walked up stairs .
SERVO: All these characters seem to be in a trance... Maybe it's just me.
> Usagi soon
> followed . She changed clothing and went back down stairs .
CROW: Ahh, the day to day life of these children is just FASCINATING.
> "Mom I've
> gotta go meet my friends at the temple ."
MIKE: (Usagi) Do you have a lighter? Or some gas?
> "Usagi you talk about your friends all the time , though I've
> never seen them .
SERVO: (Usagi) Of course not! They're in my head, silly!
> Why don't you invite them out to a picnic this Saturday"
CROW: Because they're 'ewwy'.
>
> " I'll ask them . Well gotta book it !"
> Usagi left the house and ran towards the temple .
> Usagi was there on time and got there before
> Minako did .
MIKE: What a fascinating way to waste a perfectly good sentance.
> "Hi guys !"Usagi said .
> Rei looked at her and then looked at her watch confused .
CROW: Even the WATCH is confused in this story!
> "My
> watch must wrong .
SERVO: (Stifling a laugh) Too bad it doesn't RIGHT! Geddit!?
> What is the real time Makoto ? "Rei said .
> "It is 4:00 Rei ." Luna said . Everyone laughed .
CROW: (Deadpan) Ha ha ha we find that very funny it is four o'clock ha ha ha...
> Then a few
> minutes later Minako arrived . "Now... Lets get to business"Artimis ,
> Minako's cat chimed in ."
> "Hai the fire told me that there was danger and a great change in
> the near future ."Rei said .
MIKE: Oh YEAH? Well Hal, the tapwater, told ME that Hai the fire was a big fat
LIAR!
> They talked about that for awhile and then
> they just talked .
SERVO: Blah blah blah, Big Disaster In World, blah blah blah, How Do You Like
My
Hair Usagi, blah blah blah...
> Somewhere in the conversion Usagi asked "Do you and
> your families want to go to a picnic with my family this Saturday at noon
> ?"
MIKE: Well, I dunno, the world is suposed to end on Friday...
> They all agreed to meet Saturday by the lake . Makoto was reluctant to
> go , because she did not have parents but finally agreed.
CROW: (Makoto) But who will I have to get permission from?
> They talked a
> little longer then left . Usagi went home and told her mother that
> everything was set and that Makoto was cooking .
SERVO: So, the orphan cooks for everyone? Ahh, the Japanese.
> *****
> Time: noon /Saturday
> Place: the lake .
CROW: Plot: Non-existent.
MIKE: Dialogue: Inane.
SERVO: Story: Still sucks.
> It was a quite day in the park .
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: It was a quite day?
CROW: Quaint?
SERVO: Quite a day?
MIKE: [Calmly] She mean 'quiet'.
> Usagi , Matoko , Rei , Ami , and
> Minako picked a place to sit with there parents They were talking
SERVO: (Singing a country'ish song) Their parents they were a-talking, as their
pets they
were a-walking...
> when
> Sammie arrived an took out Usagi's ondago's .
CROW: Now that just sounds *filthy.*
> She held her hair trying to
> keep it at least half its link but failed .
SERVO: I'm confused. Is she wearing a wig here? Or chains?
> Her golden hair fell all the
> way down to her ankles .
MIKE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel...
> That was the first time any of them noted the
> siverish highlights in her hair . She stared to chase Sammie . Makoto
> caught him though woulden't give her back the clip to put her hair back up
> . She finally gave up and got a pony-tail from Minako's mom . She put it
> up and then folded it so it was half it's length Ami had gotten into the
> fun also . By laying keep the clip away from Usagi . After about ten
> minutes Usagi got it and Minako was in the middle .
CROW: Not to sound overly picky, but this in no way captures the gracefulness
and
charm of the nightie-wrestling scene in Manos...
> *****
SERVO: Ahh, what graceful stars.
CROW: Too bad there aren't more of them.
> Meanwhile....
> The parents were talking . "Boy these kids are a odd group
SERVO: Say no more, I know what you're talking about.
> to be best
> friends ." Kenji(Usagi's father) said . "I argee .
CROW: See, he couldn't make up his mind whether to argue or agree, so he settled
for
something in-between. "Argee." [laughs]
> All Ami did before she
> met the others was sit around and read . She hardly ever got out , she
> still has a book where ever she goes , but at least she getting out .
> "Ami's mother said . "Minako never really had some friends that she
> trusted like she dose this group . "Minako's dad said .
MIKE: It's the new game, 'Just Who in the Hell is Saying What,' by Parker
Brothers.
> "Let's call them to eat
SERVO: --me.
> now ." Kenji suggested . They all agreed .
CROW: Well, no need to get radical on this issue...
> Matoko , Minako ,Usagi, Ami and Rei it's time to eat ." Minako's mother
> called out . Everyone turned and went to where the parents were .
MIKE: Except for Minako, who had trouble reading and went to where the wild
things
were.
> They
> started eating . "Makoto these sandwiches are great !" Usagi said .
CROW: (Usagi) Fresh dolphin fins, my favorite!
> "We all have to agree on that ." Ami's mother said .
MIKE: (Ami's mother) --Or it'll be the BELT for all of you.
> They ate for a while and everything was interrupted by a growl . Usagi
> turned around to see a grayish black youma looking directly at her with 3
> evil eyes .
SERVO: Three!? A little excessive.
> She started to crawl away .
MIKE: You know, I really get the feeling that none of the characters in this
story care
about what happens to them.
CROW: The story probably broke their will to live.
> She looked at Ami and mouthed one
> thing that would forever change there lives ....
SERVO: (Usagi, dramatic whisper) Pink waffles.
> End of part 1
CROW: Finally. Let's go!
[they get up to leave, as they leave:]
MIKE: Wonder how Torgo's managing.
CROW: Or 'if'.
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL looks odd. Colors have been washed out, the look is very 'grainy.' The
lights are dimmed, but still on]
MIKE: [entering from right] The hell? CROW!?
CROW: [Offscreen] Yes?
MIKE: What's going ON here!?
SERVO: [Offscreen] You mean the lighting?
MIKE: Of COURSE I mean the--
CROW: Be damned if I know.
[TORGO THEME]
SERVO: Maybe Torgo'll have an answer!
[TORGO enters from left]
MIKE: Torgo, just the man I was looking for. Do you know what's been happening
on this ship!?
TORGO: W-w-well, the... MASTER has been, delayed, so he... TOLD ME, how to r...
run the SHIP...
MIKE: Well, at least he... [He realizes] TORGO! YOU STUPID PEASANT! THE
MASTER HAS BEEN USING YOU TO... TO TRANSFORM THE SHIP INTO
HIS EVIL HOTEL!
CROW: [Still offscreen] Actually, having seen the movie, I'd have to say that it
was more of a *M*otel...
MIKE: Whatever.
TORGO: I'd... better ASK the master... ABOUT this...
[TORGO begins 'Torgoing' offscreen]
SERVO: NOOOO!
MIKE: That won't be necessary, friend...
[RED LIGHT flashes as TORGO stops]
TORGO: We'd... better SEE, who it is...
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Mikey, I have good news and bad news.
[SOL]
MIKE: Good news first.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: I can get Gypsy back for you...
[SOL]
MIKE: And the bad news?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: I can't.
[SOL]
MIKE: [In that lovable 'duped-Mike' tone] But you said you COULD!
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Perhaps I emphasized wrongly. *I* can't... But *YOU* can...
[SOL]
MIKE: [Cautious] Well, how do I know it isn't a trick?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Without YOU, who would watch all the movies and fanfics?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well...
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Good then. Franky...
FRANK: [Entering from left] Yes?
DR. F: Push the button.
FRANK: [Puzzled] But I just--
DR. F: JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON, FRANK!
FRANK: Well, if you insist...
[He pushes the button]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, siren wailing]
ALL: We've got fanfic sign! Nooooo!
[MIKE goes down his hatch, and, save for TORGO, who is still stuck there, the
SOL is empty]
[DEEP 13]
[DR. F is looking at FRANK with murder in his eyes; FRANK looks at him, looks at
the buttons, one of which is clearly labeled, 'Push to send Mike into other
dimension,' realizes his mistake... A pause... A slight murmur of apology from
FRANK. DR. F moves towards him]
[Commercials. During the 'mst3k moon' sounds of violence can be heard]
>
> Part 2
> "Transform now ." is what she mouthed . All Ami did was nod . She
> raid up her henge(transformation) stick
MIKE: She WHAT!? That SURE doesn't sound family-oriented!
> and said "Mercury star power !"
> She started to transform . This got the youma attention Then a split
> second later
> "Mars star power ! "
> "Venus star power ! "
> "Jupiter star power ! "
> "Moon star power ! "
SERVO: Power Ranger Power!
CROW: Plotline Power!
> All the parents were shocked .
MIKE: (Parent) Our children seem to have been watching those violent
porn-cartoons again...
> "Mercury get them out of here NOW!! Take
> them to the temple , well meet you there ." Sailormoon yelled .
> "Well , Well ,Well isn't the petty sssailorbratsssss .
CROW: Great, now her 's' key is stuck.
> I will
> destroy you . Mercury was gone by then .
SERVO: Okay, crash course in punctuation: When one STARTS a sentence using a
quote, one must CLOSE the damn quote before starting another unrelated
sentence!!! AARRGGHH!
> "I don't think so . Mars fire
> bird strike ! "Sailor Mars said .
> "Venus love-me chain encircle !"
CROW: (Villain) To which I shall counter with my 'Pluto super-duper
quadhydroxide menstrual moxifying do-hickleme melvafying power motorcar bike
trap'! Touché!
> Sailor Venus said . He dogged
> both attacks without any problem .
SERVO: Crystal Anne. Putting the dog back in dodge for fifty years.
> "Jupiter Thunder clap Zap !" He dogged
> Jupiter's attack that slammed into a a near by tree .
CROW: Rin-tin-tin to the rescue!
> "Moon Scepter
> Elimination !" It hit . It was weakened greatly , but sailormoon was too .
> This was there chance . "Mars Burning MALANDA !"
> "Jupiter Thunder clap ZAP !"
CROW: A clap TRAP?!
MIKE: Zap. Not trap.
> "Venus love-me chain ENCIRCLE!"
SERVO: You just SAID that, you dolt!
> "Moon scepter elimination !" Moon said "Mooonnn dusted !"
> The youma was dusted .
MIKE: (Puzzled) And the scene just sorta... Stops...
SERVO: With 'powers' like these, I wonder why the enemies even *bother*?
> They detransformed and walked to the temple . When
> they got to the temple Ami was waiting outside . "So what are we going to
> do now ?"Rei asked .
CROW: Panic.
> "We tell them , its all we can do ."Usagi said surprising everyone
> . "It's all we can do ."
SERVO: It's all we can do. It's all we can do.
CROW: Just to reiterate: It's all we can do.
> "Usagi's right . There's My mom , Usagi's mom and dad and little
> brother , Minako's parents , and Rei's grampa that are really confused at
> the moment .
MIKE: So everyone *related* to these youngsters is confused?
SERVO: No surprise here.
> There
CROW: Where!?
> probably going to ask a bunch of questions ."
> "We'll just have to explain it won't we ." Usagi said . Everyone
> including Luna and Artimis stared at her .
SERVO: You know, it's a good thing he pointed out that Luna was staring... I
woulda
forgot if left to my own.
> "What else can we do ?"
CROW: I suggest a suicide pact.
> "She's right" luna said , "and I can't explain it because it would
> just shock them more to see a cat talking ."
MIKE: Garfield's been talking for eighteen years now, I dunno how surprised
they'd be...
> "Well then who is going to explain this ."Minako said . Everyone
> looked around . Rei smirked "Well since Usagi is the leader and she stated
> the idea , shouldn't she do this ."
SERVO: Isn't that a question?
> Everyone then looked at Usagi and then said "Well O.K."
> Usagi said "No no no no no no no no no ."
[They begin laughing]
> Luna said "You are the princess and everyone agrees except for
> you ."
CROW: Umm, your point being?
> "Your right , anyway I got everyone into this mess anyway ."
> "Ami why did you transform ?" Luna asked . Usagi gave a quick
> glance at Ami ."
MIKE: These quotes seem to be schizophrenic.
> "Well there was a youma . It was attacking Usagi and someone had
> to protect our parents ."
SERVO: I thought they *all* transformed?
> "Well we have to go in sometime so let's get this over with ."
> Makoto said .
> "Your right ." Usagi said gloomily . They went into the building
> . Usagi took a deep breath before she entered . It was the same temple
> room they had all there Scout meatings in .
CROW: The *meat* scouts!
> The great fire burned behind
> the parents .
MIKE: Right now, it's all I can do to hope for a cross breeze.
> Usagi was in the middle of the room facing the parents . "As
> you know we are the Sailor Scouts . Rei is Mars , Minako/Venus ,
CROW: In all my years of speaking, never have I uttered a slash. Ever.
> Ami/Mercury , Makoto/Jupiter , and I'm Sailor Moon . Minako's dad asked
> "How did you exactly become scouts ?" Usagi took a deep breath .
SERVO: (Usagi) I... Have no clue really.
> 1,000
> years ago there was a place called the Moon Kingdom She took a deep
> breath . It was ruled by Queen serenity of the Moon . She was my mother .
MIKE: (Usagi) I was my own grandpa.
> She appointed them as my guardians to protect me and to be my court when I
> was older . Well , a great battle came against the negaverse and we lost
> . Queen Serenity use the Emperum Silver crystal to send us all , good and
> evil to the future hoping there would be peace .
SERVO: Well, I think she hoped wrong.
> "That means your a
> princess "Ami's mother stated .
> "Yes . Usagi said as calmly as she could . "Moon Princess Power !
> " She said . She transformed into the Moon Princess . She sighed a turned
> back . "So they were your protectors ?"
> "They still are ."
SERVO: WHO'S TALKING!? WHO!? [Begins crying]
MIKE: [Comforting tone] It's okay, Tom... I don't think the author knew either.
It's okay,
buddy.
> "Can we go home now ?" Sammie asked . "Yes lets go home ." Usagi said .
> Everyone went home .
CROW: And again, the scene just sorta... stops.
> As soon as she Usagi got home she ran to her room
> looked the door
CROW: Hello, door. I'm Usagi.
> and would not come out .
> She sat on bed crying when a gentle hand stroked her hair . She looked up
> and gasped . . . .
SERVO: [Dramatic, hushed tone] It's... Melvin.
> End of part2
[They get up to leave, as they leave:]
CROW: Whew.
[commercials]
[The SOL can now only be described one way: Ultra-low-budget. It makes the KTMA
days look like Titanic. Colors washed out. Grainy film stock. Not elegant
low-budget, like the Comedy Central episodes. Icky low budget. MIKE is at the
desk, CROW looks on. TORGO THEME plays in background.]
MIKE: [To Mads] Come on, Dr. F., we need Gypsy! I need Gypsy!
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [Relishing every moment of it] Once again, you see, there is nothing you
possess which I cannot take away. You are now at my complete mercy.
[SOL]
MIKE: But you paid for this ship, didn't you!? You wouldn't want it to be--
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [Back to normal character] Okay, fine, Nelson. How about if I send you
and your Torgo friend?
[SOL]
MIKE: But how would--
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [Cutting him off] Torgo has experience with the other dimension, so it
seems... So how about it?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, I dunno about Torgo--
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: I'll take that as a 'yes, SIR!' Bear with me for just a... [trails off,
pushes button, next to 'Push to send Mike into another dimension.' Pan down, to
show it labeled conveniently 'Push to send Mike and Torgo to another dimension.'
While offscreen.] Okay, Nelson. Good luck, and may--
[SOL]
MIKE: Hey, I never said--
[Flash of smoke, MIKE disappears. TORGO THEME fades. SOL slowly turns back into
'normal' SOL]
CROW: [Entering from left] Mike, have you seen my... [pause] Umm... Mike? Mike!?
[He notices the normal SOL] What in the...? Well, I'll be damned... Hey, Tom!
Lookit this!
[SERVO spins in from right]
SERVO: [His vocal delivery gains speed as this goes on, CROW looks at him the
entire time] Wow! Neato! Torgo must be gone, since the cheesy visuals have
receded into the background. Evidently 'The Master,' as we call him on this
ship, though he may be called other things on other ships, (though I'm sure it's
still probably 'Master',) needs his vile henchman, well, depending on one's
personal tastes he, (meaning of course his henchman, though I'm quite sure it
would probably apply to him also,) may not be so vile, (after all, who are we to
judge?) in order to put his lock on the ship and transform it into one of his
cheesy, again depending on one's personal tastes, motels! Spiffy!
CROW: Servo, you're getting too smart for your own--
[LIGHTS begin flashing]
CROW: Ahh, crap, FANFIC SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1]
>
>
> Part 3
[They enter, minus MIKE. SERVO somehow made it over the grate on his own. He
looks at CROW for a second, then at MIKE'S normal seat.]
SERVO: Would it be in bad taste to...?
CROW: Go for it!
[SERVO sits down in MIKE'S seat]
> "Queen Serenity" she whispered " Child ." Usagi looked up at the
> beautiful women with silver hair . Her hair was in the same hairstyle ,
> though Serenity's hair was longer .
CROW: She just spent more time discussing hairstyles then she did the entire
exposition!
SERVO: This is what happens when WOMEN write fanfics!
> She sat down on the bed by Usagi .
> Usagi heard the door trying to picked open .
CROW: You can pick your door, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick--
SERVO: Okay, okay...
> She was about to tell them
> not to come in . "Let them in , they don't understand ." Serenity said .
> "I don't understand either ,mother ."
SERVO: Huh!? What? Crow, who's talking!?
> "I know , I know child . You are uncertain about what you did .
> You were right in what you did . Child ." Usagi opened the door and sat
> back down .
SERVO: [Tbbbbbpppth!]
CROW: (Usagi) Hey, who put this whoopee cushion here!?
> Usagi's family just stared in astonishment .
CROW: (Usagi's family) How much worse can this story get!?
> "Hello ." Luna
> ran in and immediately bowed as much as a cat could . "Queen Serenity ."
> Luna managed to say . This just added to the parents confusion . " Luna
> talks " Sammie mumbled . The shock of her parents wore off .
SERVO: (Parents) Oh, okay, the cat talks! Explains everything!
> " Who exactly
> are you and how did you get here ?" Kenji asked .
> "What's going on ?" asked Sammie .
CROW: My words exactly!
> Queen Serenity smiled . "I will answer all of you questions . If
> you calm down , just a bit ."
SERVO: (Queen) Child.
> " Could we go down stairs ? it is a little cramped in here ."
CROW: A little!? This makes the stateroom scene in a Night at the Opera look
like a tribute to agoraphobia!
> Usagi added quietly . They all agreed and went down to there living room .
> They sat there for what seemed like forever
SERVO: Well, don't just *tell* us, why not *show* us!?
CROW: Don't. She might take you literally.
> before Queen Serenity spoke "
> To answer your questions , I am Queen Serenity of the Moon Kingdom , I
> teleported here , and I'm here to explain some details to you and I'm also
> here to give back the rest of Usagi's memories . Child ."
[SERVO giggles]
> Usagi changed to
> Princess Serenity and walked up to her Lunar mother . Princess Serenity
> kneeled . Queen Serenity placed her hand on Princess Serenity's forehead
> and chanted a set of words three times .
CROW: (Queen) Child, child, child. Child, child, child. Child, child, child.
> Suddenly all Princess Serenity's
> memories came rushing back to her . She could remember every little detail
> . She remembered things like running though the gardens playing with the
> other Senchi . The smell of the different flowers on the moon .
CROW: The taste of green cheese.
> Her first
> visit to earth . Then came more memories of the last battle . She
> remembered the inner Senchi's screams as they died one by one .
SERVO: She remembered the rush it gave her when she killed them.
> The
> feeling of helplessness and of utter hopelessness as the Senchi died . She
> remembered jumping of the balcony to save Endomen , then blackness ,
> nothingness . The memories stopped .
CROW: And Crystal Anne's embarrassing attempt at backplot fails miserably!
> The princess got up weakly and set
> back down ,
SERVO: [Singing] Get up, sit down, put your hands on your hips,
cock-a-doodle-doodle-do!
> trying to make everything fit how it was suppose to . Then she
> detransformed back to Usagi . Queen Serenity explained to Usagi's parents
> and brother about the Moon kingdom in great detail ,
CROW: --As Crystal Anne decides to share NONE of that detail with the reader.
> the final fight , how
> she was still alive , why Luna talked and then she answered some
> questions . Usagi sat there listening to it all . "Child My work here is
> done , I must go . "
SERVO: (Queen) Child.
> Usagi nodded and mouthed , "I love you mother ."
> Serenity whispered in her ear , I do too and I will forever ." With that
> she stepped away and teleported . Usagi went up to her room and just sat
> there pondering her thoughts until Luna made her go to sleep.
CROW: --By smothering her with a pillow!
> ******
> That night Usagi did not sleep ...
SERVO: [To CROW] Umm, I really hate to impose my *own* writing style upon her,
but she just said that Usagi was made to go to sleep... Most of us tend to make
up our minds and keep things one way. *Not* to sound forceful, you understand.
> "Help me please ! Help me Mother please ." a voice said over and
> over again "I need your help please ." the fanatic voice said . In Usagi's
> dream the a face appeared .
CROW: The official face of the A-Team!
> The girl had pink hair up in the same fashion
> as her own . The girl turned around , and screamed a bone chilling
> scream . Usagi sat up very quickly "Chibbi Usa !" She screamed . She then
> saw that she had thrown Luna off the bed . "Gomen nassi(very sorry) Luna"
CROW: (Crystal Anne) I *know* two Japanese words, and I'll be DAMNED if I ain't
gonna use them!
> She said picking up the cat carefully . " Bad dream I guess " the cat
> mumbled . "If it was only that " Usagi said shakily "Tell me about this
> dream ." Usagi nodded and explained the dream to Luna .
SERVO: So the cat majored in Freudian Psychology! How sweet!
> *******
CROW: Our hero awakens in a dirty trashcan.
> Usagi got up really early for herself . It was 8:00 . At nine she
> left . Luna started to follow her . " Luna , please I need to go somewhere
> alone ."
> "Usagi ."Luna said .
SERVO: (Usagi) Yeah, that's a good idea! That's where I'll go!
> "Luna please I need to be alone for awhile . K?"
> Luna nodded and went towards Minako's house .Usagi walked to the
> bus stop and caught the bus . She walked up to a house and knocked on the
> door .
CROW: Just randomly knocking on doors, Usagi?
> Setsuna immediately answered . "Hello I've been expecting you for
> awhile , Usagi ."
SERVO: (Usagi) Then why didn't *you* visit!?
> "I need to speak to you alone for a couple of minutes ." Usagi
> said urgently .
> "Of course come ."Setsuna led Usagi to a back room in the house .
> On the way she saw Hotaru sitting cleaning one of her lamps with a
> worried expression on her face .
CROW: (Hotaru) Will she realize that I'm no longer using Pledge!?
> Usagi thought {It's amazing a girl that
> is so frail could hold so much power .} She shook her head and followed .
> Setsuna took her to a back room . " I need to know what is
SERVO: --And what will never be.
> or was going
> on in Crystal Tokyo now ."
> "Usagi , you know I cannot do that ."
CROW: (Setsuna) Exposition is *not* what I am paid for, you miscreant!
> "Look Chibbi Usa sent me a dream , she wanted me to help her and
> then she screamed near the end . I ask you again What's going on ?!"
> "Usagi , you know I can't tell you ."
> "But you and only you know what is going on in Crystal Tokyo right
> now and she called for my help and I *am* going to give it .
CROW: (Mimicking Usagi) I *do* believe in Tinkerbell! I do I do I do!
> Please I need
> to know Setsuna , Pluto , I need to know .
SERVO: (Singing) I need to know, need to know... If ya think you're gonna leave
then ya better say so...
> "You know I can't tell you !" Setsuna said getting angry .
> "And you know I heard her scream I'm desperate Setsuna and you must
> understand that ."
CROW: (Setsuna) I do... And that's PRECISELY why I won't tell you!
> "Usagi , I can't let you see and I can't let you go ." Setsuna
> said as calmly as she could . Usagi looked into Setsuna's eyes .
SERVO: (Usagi) I am under your control...
> "Setsuna , I understand your rules , I remember what you can do
> and what you can't . First my parents find out I'm Sailor moon , Queen
> Serenity shows up out of nowhere , restores my memories talks to my
> parents , then leaves in the evening ,
CROW: (Usagi) Then my head begins turning around 360 degrees... THEN I vomit
blood... And to make matters worse, after *THAT* I get split ends!
> then I have this dream about Chibbi
> Usa . Yesterday was enough for me Setsuna so I need to know . I'm here
> asking you because I know you know and your the only one I can speak to
> without other people panicking or following me wherever I go somewhere .
SERVO: Wow, she said all that in *one* breath! Amazing.
CROW: Dolphin meat does that to a person...
> The inners have done it before and they can do it again . Then I know you
> will not speak to any of the other Senchi about what I'm saying now
> Setsuna ..." She lowered her gaze from Setsuna .
> "... and I need your help , I'm afraid for her and I'm helpless
> to do anything without help . I need you help , and that's why I came here
> to look for help . You are my only hope right now Setsuna and you know
> that very well . So please just tell me this . Is Usa all right ?"
[SERVO murmurs something unintelligible]
> "Look I can show you her now , you just cannot tell anyone what
> you see , and you MUST NOT try to change anything when you are the
> Queen ."
[CROW murmurs something also. He looks at SERVO, and they share a thought. A
pause. They both get up and leave.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SERVO and CROW are behind the desk.]
SERVO: [To camera] You know, the dialogue in today's fanfic is rather...
labored, one might say--
CROW: It's rather labored.
SERVO: Thank you. But you know... there might be a reason. What if... it was
really meant to be *sang*!?
CROW: Yes, faithful viewers, just listen:
[CROW sings saturday11.wav, SERVO saturday12.wav. If you didn't download those
files, you don't know what you're missing]
SERVO: See!? A fine example of a modern opera. Not faultless, but definitely
ranking up there with such innovative ideas as Roger Corman's movie with all the
dialogue in Iambic Pentameter.
CROW: Show your friends! Amaze your relatives! Torture your dogs!
[YELLOW LIGHT begins flashing]
SERVO: [To CROW] You want to do the honors?
[CROW pushes YELLOW LIGHT with his nose.]
[Commercials]