[MiSTing] The Knothole Murders
Jim W.
for children under 13 years of age.
-----------
episode 306 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(to lower your electric bill.)
In the not-too-distant future,
January of '99,
Pearl Forrester has kept Mike in pain,
And has done it for quite some time.
But now with the castle all blown up
Her ghostly ancestors have seen enough.
They saw that Pearl's plans were too diverse
So they sent her packing for the edges of the universe!
(PEARL: I'll be back!)
"I'll send Mike cheesy stories,
The worst ever made. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
So that my destiny can be saved." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends.
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT ("Hit it!")
GYPSY ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Repeat to yourself "It's Hypertime",
And then you can relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are on the bridge, decked out in Terminator
duds and sporting machine guns and butterfly nets. A strange monster
can be heard very faintly off-screen.
MIKE: Uh, hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Look, this is
kind of a bad time right now. Servo spilled a bottle of Miracle Grow
on his balogna sandwitch and now we've got a giant mutated monster on
our hands with a side of mayonase.
SERVO: Mike! I hear it!
[strange monster noises get closer and closer]
CROW: There it is!
ALL: Aaaaaaaaa!!!
[Giant sandwitch with olives for eyes enters right. Mike and the
'Bots fire their assorted weaponry.]
SERVO: It's weakened! Gypsy! Initiate Phase Two!
[Gypsy rushes in from left wearing a weilder's mask and carrying a
giant bazooka.]
GYPSY: Eat milk, lunch meat!
[Gypsy fires bazooka and blasts milk onto killer sandwitch. The bread
goes soggy and it falls apart.]
GYPSY: Hasta la vista, sammich!
SERVO: Horray!
CROW: Yay, Gypsy!
MIKE: Great work, Gypsy! You saved us!
*commercial sign*
GYPSY: I'll be back! [exits]
[commercials]
[SOL] Mike is mopping up the spilt milk.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Could somebody get that?
GYPSY[off-screen]: Roger! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
MIKE: No, Gyps, I just meant to press--
[Milk blasts onto the stage]
[Endor] Observer and Bobo are being held prisoner by storm troopers
outside the villiage. The Widowmaker can be seen in the background.
OBSERVER: Mike! Help! The Ewoks saw through us and were about
to have us for dinner until these imperial storm troopers captured the
whole villiage! Do something!
[Storm trooper carries unconcious Pearl into view]
TROOPER ONE: I found this female in that vessel over there.
TROOPER TWO: Put her with the others.
[SOL] The set is dripping with milk.
MIKE[soaked]: We're kind of busy right now.
[Endor]
OBSERVER: Looks like it's up to me to rescue us then, Bobo.
BOBO: Aw...do you have to? I like playing "Hostage."
OBSERVER: If we are ever to get off this planet and save Pearl, we
have to! [Observer sound]
TROOPER ONE: Hey, why don't we take these guys to the Death Star
for no reason?
TROOPER TWO: I'm down with that.
OBSERVER[to himself]: I still got it. Well, Mike, you're getting a
real turd today. It's "The Knothole Murders" with that witty short
"Ode to Rhino." Bobo and I will be on the Super Star Destroyer en
route to the Death Star. Good day.
[SOL] Gypsy pokes her head in.
GYPSY: Want any cereal, Mike?
MIKE: No thanks, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Okay. [exits]
[Servo and Crow enter, chuckling.]
CROW: Hey, Mike?
MIKE: Yes?
SERVO[chuckling]: Got m--
MIKE: Do you want to die, Servo?
SERVO: ...no.
MIKE: Okay, then.
*movie sign*
MIKE: Uh, oh. Hey, somebody get me a towel!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter]
>Two guys inhale and lift their arms.
SERVO: Prepare to ZEN!
>ODE TO RHINO
MIKE: Rhinos are really keen/They've got a horn, they've got a spleen.
CROW: You kill me, Mike.
>Two souls stranded in a barren wasteland.
SERVO: Three souls stranded in a crappy theater.
>Oh Rhino let me see.
CROW: C'mon, let me see what you're getting me for my birthday! I'll
pretend to act surprised!
>Oh keepers of the cool,
ALL: Speaking.
>Oh masters of the past,
MIKE: Doc Brown?
SERVO: No, Mr. Peabody!
>I seek thy catolog, 800-number.
CROW: Mail-order tarrot card readers.
MIKE: Equals... 345580.
>It's a free call, it's a free catolog.
SERVO: Therefore it's a commensalism.
>With calologs in hand I wander through these sacred decades.
CROW: But I steer clear of the '70s. No way am I going there.
>Be it rock and roll,
MIKE: Or not to be it rock and roll.
>country,
>rythm & blues,
>comedy,
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>children's fare,
SERVO: But I thought kids under 9 get in free!
>or the unravished home video.
MIKE: Who in the world would want to sell their shows to Rhino
Home Video?
SERVO: Um...
>Oh fair Rhino,
>Oh sweet Rhino,
>Oh virtuous Rhino.
CROW: It's a really intimate petting zoo.
>When old age shall this generation waste,
MIKE: ...they'll be forced into early retirement.
>(two guys in front of EAT sign)
>Thou shall remain the bastien of taste.
SERVO: Look, another Eat!
CROW: Eats are springing up all over the place since that old guy's
daughter ran away from him.
>Rhino rocks my world.
ALL: [giggles]
>(800)432-0020
>The guys exhale and put down their arms.
MIKE: Wow...that was great. So, what did your mystical vision look
like?
CROW: Well, there was this really fat guy eating a pork rind and
talking about saving the animals and stuff...
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is wearing a leather vest and Crow is in overalls. They
are performing some odd Asian ritual.
MIKE: And...inhale.
[both breathe in slowly.]
MIKE: And...exhale.
[both breathe out slowly.]
[Servo enters]
SERVO: 10-10-220.
*commercial sign*
MIKE: Dude.
[commercials. On Farscape, Dargo yells at Crighton and Zahn walks
around naked.]
[Mike and the 'Bots re-enter the theater]
>Awwww why cant i go?Tails whined.Sorry Tails your still to young.
CROW[unstable]: Bad punctuation...no quotation marks...IT'S SONIC
FIGHTS ROBOTNIK 7!!!
MIKE: Crow, calm down! It's not Sonic Fights Robotnik 7!
>Then tails looked at Sonic with a sad face.Aw come on Sal, give
>the kid a break! Sonic no!
SERVO: Uh, is that still the same person?
MIKE: It's Sally now. Just try not to think.
>he is still a little kid. He'll get murdered out there!
CROW[Sally]: I heard Jack the Ripper is out on prohibition.
>Murder, for some reason the word echoed in Tail's head.
MIKE: MURDER. MURDER. MURDER. Am I annoying yet?
>Aw Sonic cant i just go with you? Sorry little buddy you heard
>your aunt sally.Aunt sally, yeah right! tails thought, he never
>liked sally that much, in fact he didnt really like any of the
>freedom fighters, he only pretended to like them to make sonic
>happy, sonic was his best freind and hero.
CROW: But Sonic's a Freedom Fighter, too!
SERVO: Logic! Go!
MIKE: Tails dislikes Freedom Fighters.
CROW: Sonic is a Freedom Fighter.
SERVO: Therefore Tails dislikes Sonic.
MIKE: Law of syllogism.
>He didnt have much of a problem with the freedom fighters
>at first, but when sonic started spending all his time with them
>and that bitch sally he started to hate them.
MIKE: How many people have potrayed Tails as Not That Innocent Kid
You Thought He Was?
SERVO: Checking...only fanfic authors.
>He would call her aunt sally and take her comands
>only becuase he saw sonic smile with pride every time he did so
>Well ive been taking orders long enough! he thought.Im isolated
>here, theres no one my age and sonic doesnt even spend time with
>me anymore!
CROW: Fock you, Sally!
MIKE: Do you have to keep saying that?
CROW: But it was Sonic Fights Robotnik's best line!
>and im not a little kid.tails wasnt as weak and defensless as
>everyone thought he was.
SERVO: He's been doing arm curls.
>in fact he had exellent fighting skills becuase every night when
>the others were asleep he would sneak off to robotropolis and fight
>robots just for fun.
MIKE: As opposed to fighting robots to end the evil tyrany of Doctor
Robotnik?
>he only acted weak and defensless becuase he
>knew no matter how hard he would try to show them what a
>good fighter he was they wouldnt listen.
CROW[Tails]: Hey, guys! Watch me kill Robotnik!
SERVO[Sally]: Whatever, Tails. Dum de dum dumm...
>Well im not gonna take this shit anymore! he thought.sonic spends
>all his time with those freaks! well im not gonna stick around and
>be ignored! ill...ill run away! but he probably wouldnt even notice
>im gone.~~murder~~ for some reason that word just kept poping up in
>his head.
MIKE: Just like poor little Jimmy. And we all know how *he* turned
out.
>Then he heard a strange vioce that sounded like it was coming from
>some where in his hut.taaaaails, the vioce said, what? whos there?
>he answered back.
SERVO: Wait, he answered a non-question with two questions!
MIKE: And?
SERVO: ...Forget it.
>taaails, i have a sollution to your problem. what are you talking
>about? who are you? a freind tails,a freind just trying to help you.
CROW: I get it, he's developing multiple personalities.
>Where are you and how did you get in my hut, tails asked now
>becoming a bit nervous.Dont be frightend tails, i wont hurt you i
>want to help you.show yourself! oh you will see me in time, but not
>now.I know how you feel tails, about sonic and how hes
>been ignoring you.yes...yes he has.And why is that tails?
SERVO: Because you're a *FREAK*! Now get lost before I call the cops!
>becuase he cares about the freedom fighters more than me.well theres
>your sollution tails.if you get rid of the freedom fighters then
>sonic will devote all his time to
[Crow stands and begins bashing his head on the back of a seat.]
MIKE: Crow, what are you doing?
CROW: I can't stop it! It won't go away!
>you.but...but how will i do that?there are plenty of ways to do it
>tails.one way is to use a nife.What?!! are you suggesting
SERVO: ...that there really *isn't* a silent "k" in "knife"?!?
[Crow has stopped hitting his head and has left the theater screaming.]
>i kill the freedom fighters?! yes it is the only way.No! i..i cant!
>im not a murderer!but if you get rid of them sonic will devote all
>his time to you.tails thought about this for a moment and he got an
>evil grin, his face seemed to change from a happy little
>carefree look to a visious one.
MIKE[children's narrator]: Later, at Happyland Lake, Tails was screaming
wildly while he chopped his friends into eensy weensy pieces.
>The next day the freedom fighters were busy getting ready for the
>winter, storing food and such.Tails hunny,will you go
>help anttoiun gather berries?sally asked.
SERVO[Sally]: It'll give you the opportunity to MURDER him!
>yes aunt sally, tails said with a smile. hmmm his smile looked odd
>almost fony, sally thought,
MIKE: Phony or funny, you decide.
>but she didnt pay much attention to it.
CROW[Sally]: I wonder what those gunshots are all about. Oh, well.
>tails and anttioun walked through the great forest. Tails
>led the way until they came to a river.are..are you zure we are
>suppozed to crozz theez river tailz? anttioun asked.for the last
>time ant, sally told me the berries are the best across the river.
SERVO: Plus they've got quicksand, unfriendly African tribes, and
this killer cliff!
>the river was flowing heavely and the rapids where very ruff.
>What ever you zay tailz.after you ant, tails said with a
>grin and pointing to a log.tailz cant you carry me acrozz?
>anttioun asked.
MIKE[Antoine]: Because I'm really just a big baby.
>no im..im feeling sick and might drop you in the water.
CROW: Riiiiight.
>anttioun began to cross the log when tails pushed the log off the
>edge.anttioun fell in and the log bumped his head and left him
>bleeding.
SERVO: Yes, yes!
CROW: Come on, Servo, he's not *that* much of an unappreciated
character.
MIKE: Three bucks says he dies in the next five sentences.
SERVO: You're on!
>Tailz heeelllp! he called.oh ill help ya ant help you die!
>then tails flew over him and shoved his head in the water until
>no life was left in him.
SERVO: Aw, darn!
CROW: Oh, so you did like him after all.
SERVO: No, I lost the bet!
MIKE: Fork it over, Servo.
>tails told the others how anttoiun slipped and fell in
>to the river and how he tried to save him. Sally and the others
>began to cry and tails made out a few fake tears.
CROW: But how about hiding that villianous grin?
>sonic put an arm around him, its ok tails, you tried your best to
>save him.but hes in a better place now, Sonic said
>trying to hold back his own tears.
SERVO: Badly formatted, yes. But this fanfic is definetely a
tear-jerker.
CROW: Why do you say that?
SERVO: Because these jerks are crying for Antoine! Ha, ha!
CROW: You murder me, Servo.
>The next day tails helped rotor in his work
>shop. rotor was working on ajusting bunnies arms and legs.
MIKE[Rotor]: Dammit Jim, I'm a mechanic not a chiropractor!
>Tails can you hand me a wrench out of that draw over there?
CROW[Rotor]: It's in the same drawer as my blunt instruments.
>tails went over to the draw and found a bunch of tools and
>equipment, then he opened the draw under it and found an
>automatic hand gun.hey rotor whats this for? he asked.Woah tails
>put that thing down! rotor shouted.
SERVO[Tails]: Okay. [drop]
MIKE: BLAM!
>its loaded and its used for emergensies only!oh ill put it
>down, tails said with an evil grin, put it down your throat!
CROW: But wouldn't it be easier to just shoot him with it?
>then tails luanched him self at rotor and shoved the gun down
>his throat and fired killing rotor instantly, then he shot the
>surprised bunny numerous times in the stomach and head.
SERVO: Meenwhile Sonic and Sally are witholding their love for each
other and pay no mind to the bloodcurdling screams and gunshots.
>he put the gun in dead rotors hand and ran over to sonics hut crying.
>sally was also there.
CROW: Doing what, we're not supposed to know.
>whats wrong little bro? sonic asked.ro...rotor
>k..killed bunny(sob) and then killed himself!
MIKE[Sonic]: Oh, no. That's horrible. Hey, wanna see me do my super-
peel-out?
>oh my god! sally screamed with tears running down her eyes.
SERVO: Actually, they'd be coming *out* of her eyes and down her
*cheeks*.
>Sonic hugged her tightly and began to cry also.they barreid rotor
>and bunny in the great forest the next day.
CROW[Sonic]: Gee, you know that's three deaths in one day and they were
all done in Tails' presence. Oh, well. I'm sure it's nothing.
>That night tails heard the voice again.exellent work tails! three
>down, one more and sonic will be your best freind again! i dont
>know if i could keep this up what if sonic finds out?
MIKE: Trust me. If he doesn't have a clue yet, he's never going to.
>trust me tails he would never think of you, his little buddy a
>killer.Now tails you did a great job with those three but sally
>still lives.can you show me who you are now? tails asked.
SERVO[voice]: I am your father.
CROW[Tails]: Really?
SERVO[voice]: Well, no. I can't back that up.
MIKE: This skit in tribute to Mike Meyers.
SERVO: From Halloween?
MIKE: No, from Austin Powers.
>Not until you kill sally, then i shall reveal myself to you. now
>get to sallys hut and complete your task!
CROW: And this time make sure she's not brought back again!
>tails nodded and and headed over to sallys hut. it was pouring
>rain out side, thunder and lightning echoed through the forest.
SERVO: Oh, so it was a dark and stormy night.
MIKE: Don't use cliches, Servo, we're the ones who are supposed
to pick on them.
>it was the first winter storm.
CROW: Ever? Wow.
>Sally was sound asleep when she
>heard a noise in her living room.She decided to check and see if it
>was a burgular.
CROW[Sally]: My "Welcome Back, Kotter" commemorative plates!
>she got out of bed quietly and crept down the hall.she took her
>flashlight just in case.she heard a fant sound of foot steps,
>whos there? she called.
SERVO[Tails]: It's me, Tails! D'oh!
>no answer. she turned around to find a dark figure flying at her
>with a butcher knife.
CROW: I didn't know squirrels were a delicacy on Mobius.
>The fugure stabber her stomach with the knife.
MIKE: So now the narrator is Jar Jar Binks?
>sally screamed with pain.she turned on her flash light to see the
>angry, horrible face of tails snarling at her.tails! what the
>hell are you doning!
SERVO[Tails]: I'm naked, you idiot.
>Tails tried to stab her again but she pushed him off of her and
>ran out the front door holding her stomach.
CROW: I need some Immodium AD!
>the rain she ran torwards sonics hut screaming his name when tails
>pouced on her back and sent her falling in to the wet mud.he bagan
>to stap her insanly all over her back making her scream every time
>he stabbed her.
SERVO: Mike, it is very apparent at this point that the author
doesn't know what the hell he's doing. Can we leave now?
[silence]
SERVO: Mike?
>Sonic heard her screams and imediatly rushed over to her.His mouth
>dropped open at the horrible sight of tails on her back stabbing
>her with a butcher knife.Tails saw sonic coming and backed away
>from sallys body.
CROW[Tails]: Uh, I figured death was inevitable...
>Sonic kneeled down by sally.Sal?! he said franticaly, Sal!
>are you alright?! but it was to late.sally was no more.
MIKE: [odd grumbling]
SERVO: Mike?
MIKE: [odd grumbling]
SERVO: Are you all right, Mike?
MIKE: MURDER!
SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[Servo runs out of the theater]
CROW: Why do you do such things, Mike?
MIKE: I dunno.
>Noooo!! Sonic began tosob heavely.Tails stood there with the
>bloodly knife in his hand.he saw sonic crying and began to get
>tears in his eyes as well.sonic? im sorry i didnt want to do it!
>sonic looked up at him coldly, tears streaming down his face.Its
>just the voice, the vioce told me to do it.
MIKE: Yeah, that'll clear up the whole thing.
>Thats right tails i did didnt i? tails heard the vioce say.
>Who are you? show your self to me! you promised you would after
>i killed sally.Sonic got a strange look on his face.
SERVO: Man, what the heck is with that guy?
>He had no idea who tails was talking to.Sonic was still nerve
>struck and had to think over what just happend. his mind still
>refused to beleive that sally was dead and that tails was her
>murderer.But then he looked at tails and said, tails how could you?
>you killed my true love.
>I loved you tails,
BOTH: Aaa!
>i loved you like a little brother.
BOTH: Oh. Whew!
>How could you take sally away from me?tails just looked at him
>tears forming in his eyes.Then he heard the voice luagh evily.
>Awww what a shame tails, i guess this wasnt the sollution
>after all.Who the hell are you?!! stop laughing at me!!
>ill kill you, you son of a bitch!!!
[Servo enters]
SERVO: I piss on your toombstone, Nelson.
MIKE[chuckling]: You mean my grave.
SERVO: No, I don't.
GYPSY[off-screen]: Who wants pizza?
MIKE: Sure, Gyps! Bring it in here!
[Gypsy gives Mike the pizza]
CROW: Uh, Mike?
MIKE[between chews]: Yes?
CROW: Never mind.
>why tails havent you figured it out yet? tails just got a confused
>look.Then out of the shaddows a figure walked out.
CROW[voice]: I'm Ken Penders!
MIKE and SERVO: NOOOOOO!
>It...it was tails! or an exact look alike.What? whats going on
>here? tails asked. Dont you see tails im you.Im your own mind.
>you are the one that comanded yourself to murder the
>freedom fighters.YOU ARE a murderer tails.NOOOO!! i didnt mean
>to do it! it wasnt my fualt! im not a murderer!
SERVO: So he *was* talking to himself!
MIKE: Maybe Tails'll get the starring role of Pi II.
>Sonic looked at tails cconfused, he seemed to be talking to an
>invisible person.your lying!tails said to himself! ill kill
>you!!! the only way to kill me is to kill your self tails.
CROW: So would it be murder or suicide?
>then tails took the knife and slit his rist.
MIKE: Like that'll do anything.
>he fell down on the muddy ground and held his hand in a large puddle.
SERVO: Thereby infecting the wound with rainwater runoff.
>Sonic saw him do thid but did nothing, he just sat on the ground
>holding the dead body of sally.Tails died the next day and sonic
>baried him and sally in the great forest. the end
CROW: Tails died at three-fifteen this morning due to a slit wrist.
SERVO: Maybe Mobians have their hearts in their arms or something.
[All exit]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is apologising to Servo.
MIKE: Look, I'm sorry, Tom, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It was just a joke!
SERVO: I don't think so, Mike. You wanted to damage my ego, and
you know it!
[Crow enters]
CROW: Hey, guys! I was reading this "Get Friends Through Body
Harvesting" article in Teen Magazine, and it says that the only real
person is you, and that your whole world is just an imagination!
MIKE: ...so?
CROW: Well, I figured it would help explain today's fanfic.
MIKE: Can anything explain today's fanfic?
CROW: Well...I guess not.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: The Hunch Bunch is calling.
[Super Star Destroyer] Observer and Bobo are standing in the control
room, whipping the workers on the lower level. Darth Vader is behind
them, breathing heavily.
OBSERVER: I always wondered why Lucas put everyone in these pits!
This is fun!
BOBO: Hey, the Satellite's calling!
OBSERVER: Oh, hi guys. We're just repressing the staff again. We're
on our way to the Death Star Family Care Hospital. Pearl's
condition isn't getting much better. But I *am* surprised you got
through this fanfic. It's what brought Anakin here to the Dark Side.
VADER: It is an exceptional piece of work.
BOBO: Hey, let's play around in the trash compactor!
OBSERVER: Okay!
[They run off, excited.]
BOTH: Wheeeeeeee!
VADER: I sense a presence in the pale one. A presence I have not
felt since...
[Vader walks off-camera.]
[fade out]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Knothole Murders" written by: RWKW764
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
storm troopers: Patrick Brantseg
Paul Chaplin
Darth Vader: Bill Corbett and his respirator
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
All Star Wars characters and situations are trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
or Lucasfilm, Ltd. is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission is seen as a
direct violation of material and is not allowed.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
George Lucas
Rhino
all you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1999 by Jim Whaley
>tails! what the hell are you doning!
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
recent episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
301: The Neelix Claus part 3: The Starship Captain that Neelix Claus Forgot
302: For Whom the Gavel Pounds
303: Attention All Heavy Hitters
304: Star Speck: Toad of Honor
305: Problems with Pokemon
306: The Knothole Murders
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site,
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Jim the Ignorant (formerly Jim, that MiSTie)
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html (terribly out-of-date)
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My next MiSTing: ep. 307-The Story Without A Name
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***4 episodes left.***