MiSTing: Holodeck Series - part 2
Amanda Van Rhyn
> All of a sudden, Jenna bent down. A funny feeling was comming over her. It
> diddn't hurt, but it sure felt bad. What was going on?
> Lucky for Jenna, Katherine knew exactly what was going on. "Oh my GOSH..."
> shouted Katherine, who was now wide awake.
> "It's comming! Jenna's finaly gonna have the egg!"
(The bots are silent, looking up at the screen.)
CROW: Um... am I wrong, or are we about to see a Norn give birth?
TOM: (snuffles a little, then speaks clearly) You're right! The
stupidity has gotten so ridiculous that it snapped me out of my
self-pity! For the sake of myself, I have to go on riffing!
JOEL: Right on, homemade buddies! We'll make it yet! Let's take this
commercial break to prepare...
[Several ads for psychic hotlines and Toaster Strudel later...]
[Back in the Theater.]
TOM: Well, that commercial break was welcome.
CROW: We're sorry about that embarrassing incident, folks. Please
continue enjoying the MiSTing.
JOEL: Please tip your servers.
> -------
CROW: Boy, it sure is nice of this fanfic to give us these convenient
little punctuation breaks.
> "It's WHAT?!" said Susan, perking up.
> "It's comming!" shouted Katherine.
TOM: It's communicating?
JOEL: It's Communist?
> Jenna was now aware of what was happening because instints were kicking in. She squatted >down, closed her eyes and squeezed her gut. Out came the egg. It was that red kind with the >yellow slashes.
CROW: (Katherine) Yes, but is it incredible and edible?
> Katherine got closse to the egg. She touched it's hard, smooth shell. "Bet I can pick it up?" >She asked.
> "If you manage, I'll reactivate the egg so it'l hatch naturaly." replied Blip. Katherine grabbed > the egg and lifted. (With her legs and not with her back!)
JOEL: Why, thank you, fanfic, for that important safety information.
> & lifted. & lifted. She couldn't get the egg up, no matter what she did.
> "No wonder you can't pick them up in the game." commented Katherine.
> "That's because the mass in the egg is in a very condensed state." Blip praddled. "The fetus > is all squished, and the mass is just so great..."
> "OK, OK." sighed Susan. "We get the point. Can we leave it alone and sleep?"
TOM: (Blip) Yes. SLEEEEEEEEPPPPP!
> "We should." Blip answered. "The egg should hatch around 8 in the morning. We have >different forces and pressures on Earth than in Albia, therefore..."
> "Whatever." said Susan, who was too tired to be polite. She flopped on her back and shut >her eyes. Katherine looked at Jenna. She, like other females, had a gene in her body that made > them very tired after giving birth, so she was asleep in the corner.
CROW: So... all Norns have flagrantly useless genes causing them to do
stuff like leaving them and their eggs hopelessly unprotected after
laying.
JOEL: Yup! You got it!
> Rolling over on her side, Katherine fell asleep.
> /Crack, Crackle, Crik, Crik.../ Katherine woke up to the noises of a cracking egg. Susan >heard it too, and sat up. They both watched as a thin crackline formed around the egg. Then the > top half of the shell came off, and sitting inside was a baby boy. He had Purple mountain arms, a purple mountian body,
CROW: Purple Mounty-an? So he's a member of the RCMP?
> and a purple mountian head.
TOM: Everyone, meet Nornly Do-Right.
> He also inherited banana legs from his mother.
> "bub foo dat" said the newly hatched norn, tumbling out of his shell and crawing tword >Susan. Then he saw Katherine. "bub flib dis" he announced. Then his eyes wandered to Blip. >He wanted to foo dat, too. He sat down & said "bibble", out of utter confusion.
JOEL: Aww, put the thing out of its misery. One good stomp should do
it.
> "He needs a name." Said Blip, who had been behind them during the hatching prossess.
> "Hey!" Katherine quietly shouted. "Remember the GreNorn series?"
CROW: Uh, no. That's another fanfic series about these disgustingly
cute things, right?
TOM: Yeah, we were spared from that one.
> "Yeah." said Susan. "My favorite is where Karr fights Rrak an is reborn."
> "Really?" Blip replied. "I always liked the one where Phoenix is born."
JOEL: Thrill as they discuss their favorite fanfic in the middle of
another fanfic!
CROW: Tremble as they try to be overly hip with pop-Creatures-culture
references!
TOM: Quake as whatever small amount of action there was grinds to a
bloody standstill!
> "My favorite has always been where Karr's wife is reincarnated. But anyway, why not name > the baby Karr, in honor of the series? Jenna was a 10th generation norn, this baby is 11th, and I > like to name them in Alphabetical order... so he needs a K name anyway." Katherine >suggested.
> "Good idea!" said Blip.
ALL: (completely deadpan) Rah.
> "OK, so Karr has a name. Now we need to teach him." Susan blankly responded.
> "You doubt me?" replieed Katherine, who pretended to look surprized.
JOEL: (Katherine) But I'm God! I control who lives and who dies!
CROW: Hey... I had dibs on that!
> "To the living room!" Katherine picked up Karr & walked out of the room, with Blip, Susan & > Jenna behind her.
> In the living room, Katherine sat Karr down & then dug a floppy disk out from behind a >throw pillow, along with a few wires. Blip flew infront of Karr, & Katherine put the disk inside > Blip's A:/ drive. Blip's screen, usualy lit up with two green dots for eyes, was changed to the >same screen of the Learning computer.
TOM: Blip - now in SqueamishBot and DitsyBot versions!
> "Push" said Blip.
> "Foo" replied Karr.
> "Push" repeated Blip.
> "Pupu" Karr said, trying to repeat the word.
> "Push" said Blip, again.
CROW: Hey, fanfic! We get the idea! Get on with it!
> "Push" Karr responded, finaly getting it right.
> "Push" Blip said one more time, just for good measure.
> "Push" Karr replied with confedence.
> Blip and Karr kept at it, repeating and rerepeating, until Karr had learned all verbs, all drive > words, all nouns, and a new verb of Katherine's invention, "don't", which means, 'don't do what > you're about to do'.
JOEL: Did we *really* need to be told the definition of 租on't'?
> Jenna had been in the room, and had heard all of these words. She got to learn them too.
> "Now, Blip," said Katherine, "I'm going to hook these wires into Karr, and then to you. Tell > me the mutations." Katherine stuck one end of the wires into Karr's ear. Karr sat very still. >Then Katherine stuck the other end of the wires into Blip. "Read it off to me." She said.
> "Checking Geonme." Blip started. "Mutations... Whoa! What's this? There's some kind of >new gene... what it basicly says is that Karr can identify his mother, father, children and other >siblings from other norns."
> "Cool mutation! But why does that big of one show up now?" asked Susan.
JOEL: Welcome to Deus ex Machina World, Susan!
CROW: Have a lovely time, since everything will be perfect!
ALL: Better Fanfic Living through Plot Holes!!!
> "It diddn't just appear." replied Blip. "The file says that Karr got it from his mother." All >eyes turned to Katherine. She was notorious for hacking norns and making odd mutations, most > of which somehow turned out for the worse.
> "There's really two Jennas." Katherine started, knowing everyone wanted an explanation. >"The first one was naturaly bred, as usual. But I found her moniker, and hacked into it with the > Genetics Kit. I made the genes Blip described and made a clone with those genes. But it didn't > look like it worked real well. So I didn't tell anyone. It was suppost to keep norns from >inbreeding... and so far it has..."
(J&TB snicker.)
> "Gosh. And to think we would have had to wait for C2." Susan sarcasticly remarked.
> "I'll finish." Blip said, ending the issue. "Purple mountian genes present... That's about it."
CROW: Yay... he has the instinct for saving women from being tied to
railroad tracks!
> "Great! I'll just unhook you two..." Katherine said, while detaching the wires in Karr's ear. >Katherine then turned to Blip. She began unconnecting those wires, too. Jenna came tword >them both.
> "Push Computer." Jenna announced.
> "Hey!" shouted Blip.
TOM: (Blip) No... don't push computer *there*...
> He flew up above Katherine's head, causing Katherine to loose her grip. She toppled over.
> Susan had to pick Jenna up and hold her still while everyone got restuated.
JOEL: Hey, new word!
> But, after that, she noticed something rather important. "Where's Karr?" Susan asked. A quick > look around told everyone that Karr had excaped in the confusion.
> Karr had exaped to Katherine's room, unbenonst to everyone else. There, he saw an unusual > black platform. "Mover" he said. Then he crawled tword it. On his way, he tripped over a >switch marked "On/Off". An unusual humming filled the room. Karr decided to push the >mover.
> Meanwhile, in Albia, a grendel was in the garden.
CROW: Notice how they *never* use the controls to pause Creatures when
they're not there?
JOEL: Yeah, and the On/Off switches are just lying on the floor?
TOM: Once again, Better Living Through Plot Holes.
> There were no norns to beat, so he decided he would just munch some carrots and enjoy the >sunshine. He found a nice looking mover, and decided it would make a confortable seat. He sat > down, at the exact moment Karr pushed the mover on earth.
> Back in Katherine's living room, the trio (Forsome?)
JOEL: Ooh, kinky.
> were deciding where Karr had gotten to, when they heard some unusual noises.
> "What's that?" asked Susan.
> Jenna figured it out. "Run Grendel!" she shouted, with a horrified look on her face. She >started running. Katherine caught her and picked her up.
> "No, Karr couldn't of... no..." Katherine stuttered. She didn't believe it.
> "You didn't believe it when Jenna brought Jack to our world, either." Blip commented.
TOM: (Blip) In fact, you still seem to be having trouble with the Earth
moving around the sun.
> They all three realized they'd better check, knowing norns are capable of more than you can >give them credit for, so they ran down the hall to Katherine's room.
> Blip got there first. "Uh oh..." he choked. Susan, and Katherine, who was carrying Jenna, >got there next. They all three looked at Karr's experement. He had brought the Grendel to earth.
JOEL: (Count Floyd from _SCTV_) Ooooh, Scaaaaaaary, boys and girls.
CROW: Yeah, yeah, real scary. This is our break, right?
JOEL: Yupyup, mechanical boychik. Let's go.
[J&TB exit the Theater...]
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(Scene: SoL. Tom, Crow, and Joel appear to be lounging around doing
nothing out of the ordinary.)
(Joel holds up a sign saying "Hi. The bots and I have decided to play a
little joke on the Mads by speaking entirely in Nornish.")
JOEL: Joel what.
TOM: Tom afraid. Tom get no fanfic. Run fanfic?
CROW: No. Crow push fanfic, Crow get yes riffs.
JOEL: Yes! Yes riffs! No fanfic!
(The Mads' light begins blinking. Joel holds up a sign saying "And
there are Pinky and the Brain now.")
TOM: Tom look viewscreen. Push?
JOEL: Joel push viewscreen. (He does. The Mads appear.)
(Scene: Deep 13. Nothing much appears to be out of the ordinary. Dr. F
and TV's Frank are standing around, much in the same way as J&TB.)
DR. F: Hello, my little space trash and organ donor. How goes the
experiment today?
(SoL) TOM: No! Run Mad! Run Fanfic!
JOEL: Joel hurt. Run Mad!
CROW: Run fanfic! No!
(Deep 13) DR. F: What is it now, boys? Been applying more Blue Star
Tattoos lately?
(To Frank, whispered) You know that stupid Norn game. Tell me what
they're saying.
FRANK: Well, Steve, it appears they're not fond of the fanfic.
DR. F: You galumphing gargoyle! I knew that! They're not suppose to
*like* the experiment, you ninny! Give me some more detail!
FRANK: They want to run from it... I'm sorry, Norn language doesn't
*have* much detail, ya know.
DR. F: I give up! I can't work with these people! (To J&TB) Go back to
your little hallucinogenic games, Joelsy-Poo. I've had enough for one
host segment.
(SoL. The Viewscreen blinks off.)
JOEL: Yes! Joel get yes!
BOTS: Yes!
(Joel holds up a sign saying "And now, back to our show.")
JOEL: We've got fanfic sign!!
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(Scene: SoL theater. Our heroes get settled.)
> ----------
CROW: So, the tepid plot finally flatlined.
> "Katherine! I thought you left the 'Deck off this time!" Blip fussed.
> "I did... I really did! Karr must've tripped over the switch or something..." Katherine argued.
> The Grendel was totaly confued. He had never seen this part of the world before! And lo, a > baby norn, fresh for the beating!
JOEL: (Church Lady) Isn't that *conveeeeeeenient*.
> Confusion turned to joy as he edged closer to Karr.
> Jenna saw what was happening and jumped infront of Karr. "No!" she shouted, and gave the > Grendel a big smack. The Grendel shouted in pain.
> "Katherine," whispered Susan, "are you positive those genes didn't work?" Katherine stood >by awestruck. Her experement wasn't a total waste afterall! Jenna was showing signs of real >maternal instints.
CROW: No, more like absolutely no sense of self-preservation.
> "grah oooogh" said the Grendel. Was he going to let a wussy little norn beat the tar out of >him? He was made to be strong, while the norns had simply been bred to be cute! He punched > Jenna. Jenna cried out in pain and raised on her haunches. This made her really mad. There >was no way she was going to let him hurt her son.
JOEL: Jenna: mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.
> She smacked him so hard, she fell over. So did the Grendel. The Grendel decided this was too > much trouble just for an easy smack on a baby norn, so he ran out of the room.
TOM: Deep Grendel thought there.
> Jenna gave a giggle.
> "Push yes grendel" she shouted triumphantly. "Grendel run norn"
> "Is it me," commented Blip, "or is this not a good sign of things to come?"
> "Who cares!" Katherine spasticly said. "That Grendel is loose in our house and we have to >find him."
> "Oooh, that's right." Susan replied.
JOEL: (Susan) Yeah, it's not just a part of my bad trip anymore.
> Meanwhile, the Grendel had wandered into the kitchen. He took a quick look around, and, >seeing no norns, decided that he might as well explore. He found a table, much like the one in > the kitchen in the hatchery. There, on the table, were a few small bottles. He picked one up, >opened it, and took a drink. It tasted a little like hootch, only different.
CROW: Am I really the only one who's ever had a problem with the phrase
壮imilar, only different'?
> He took several more drinks, and started to feel really good!
JOEL: The Grendel as Captain Trips!
> As he was (trying) to walk accross the floor, Someone else came in. It was Katherine's mom, >but the grendel didn't know that. He stood, looking at her. Would she hurt him? No, she didn't >hurt him. But she did make a very loud noise.
> "Is he in there?" Asked Blip. He and Karr were standing outside the bathroom.
> "Nope." answered Susan. "No sign of the grendel."
> Then they heard Katherine's mom shout. "KATHERINE! I WANT YOU RIGHT HERE, >RIGHT NOW!"
> Katherine poked her head out. "I think we found him" she said. Everyone got out of the >bathroom and filed into the kitchen.
TOM: Wait... there was a scene with the foursome in the bathroom, and
we didn't riff it. That was a great chance there, guys.
> Katherine's mom pointed to the Grendel. "What is that thing, and why is he drinking my >bourbon? I was going to make bourbon balls with it!"
> "Th-that's a Grendel, it's from Creatures." Katherine stuttered.
> "HOW did it get in MY kitchen?" demanded Katherine's mom.
> "M-My latest invention brought it here accidently. I-It's called the HoloDeck, and it links >Creatures to earth, so we can play with norns here...." Katherine explained. But she knew this >was not going to go well.
CROW: (Katherine's mom) Yeah, right. You just had too much cough syrup
again and painted the dog green, didn't you, Katherine? Honesty is the
best policy.
> Katherine's mom looked at Blip, then Susan, then Katherine. (Luckily, she didn't catch Jenna > or Karr, because they were hiding behind Katherine.) Then she calmly stated. "Get that >grondel, or whatever you called it, OUT of my ktichen. Then come back here."
> Katherine and Susan picked the Grendel up (It was so drunk, it didn't mind.) and carried it >to her room, silently. They then placed it on the HoloDeck, and beamed it to Albia.
JOEL: Tragically, two days later, the Glycotoxin and Antigen 6 they
caught from the Grendel killed them.
> Then, they locked the norns inside Katherine's room and marched into the kitchen once more, > awaiting their fate.
> When they got there, they overheard Katherine's mom on the phone. "Right, 111, Firebrook > road. Patient's name, Katherine Riggs. Reason? Creatures Addict. You handle those cases, >right? You've done plenty of them? Good. G'bye." Then Katherine's mom walked into the >kitchen. "Katherine," she said, "I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice.
TOM: (sympathetic-sounding announcer) If you don't get help at Charter,
please, get help somewhere.
> You need to get over Creatures! I called the insane asylum. They're comming over to pick you > up."
> Katherine didn't believe what she heard. "You-YOU'RE SENDING ME TO THE FUNNY >FARM?" She shouted.
ALL: (spoken) Yeehaw!
CROW: (Katherine, singing) They're going to take me away, ha ha!
JOEL: And on that happy note, a word from our sponsor!
[Sorry about the bad formatting... t.b.c. in the next post.]
Amanda Van Rhyn
fanfic, and after thinking it over myself, I've decided to completely
change it. Tell me what you think of the new host.
--
(Scene: SoL. Tom is standing in front of a rather large, UNIVAC-looking,
beeping-things-and-blinkenlights computer. In the center of it, a sheet
is draped over something. Joel and Crow enter... and just stare at it
for a second.)
JOEL: Uh, Tom, what's that?
TOM: Oh, it's my Utterly Freaky Fanfic Destructionness Analyzer! UFFDA
for short. I willed it into being with my all-powerful robot mind (We
can see Joel rolling his eyes at this) for use with today's fanfic!
Ta-da!
(Tom takes off the sheet. A complicated-looking display, with a pie
chart and brightly colored lights, is revealed. Needless to say, it's
done in classic Best Brains cheesy special effect style. Would you
expect anything less?)
CROW: This is nice. What does UFFDA do again?
TOM: Oh, glad you asked. Basically, if fed a copy of a fanfic Dr. F
will send us, it will give a reading on its potential damage to our
psyches by analyzing several crucial standbys of bad fanfiction! Which
are: (Tom points out a specific colored light to go with each of these)
Incorrigible pseudoscience and tech-talk!
Logically implausible self-insertion, featuring godlike self-insertion
characters!
Complete and utter overworship of the topic!
Pointless and illogical crossovers, possibly into several worlds at
once!
Sequelization or sequelization potential!
Rapid-fire fourth wall breakage!
And finally, the Ratliff Factor: Ludicrous spelling and grammar errors,
with no explanation or one such as 'This is a good story, all spelling
errors are to be ingored!'
(We cut back to Joel and Crow. They look suitably impressed.)
JOEL: Wow, that's really something, Tom. I'm impressed. Why don't you
ever come up with anything like that for the Exchanges?
TOM: Let's not get into that. For now, let's use UFFDA to analyze the
HoloDeck Series! Joel, the paper feed?
(Joel, as the only one who can reach it, throws a hard copy of today's
fanfic inside the machine. We can hear several things: whirring,
grinding, something going 'sproing', and ants scuttling about. Within 30
seconds, the machine spits out a small printed card onto a tray. Crow
picks it up.)
CROW: Mind if I read? Ahem... "Run. Away. Now. Save. Yourselves."
TOM: Uh oh. UFFDA is never wrong. I got a *baaaaaaad* feeling about
this...
JOEL: Aiee! No time to think, we've got fanfic sign!!
--
- Amanda... I love the smell of rewrites in the morning...
MiSTie # N/A (I don't do fan clubs well)