[NEW] MiSTing: "The Beast with Nine Bands" [Hulk] [PG] [1/4]

[MBlackw415]

Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: The Beast With Nine Bands
By James Wolf
Misting by Matt Blackwell, Jacob Churosh, and Michael
"Rottweiller" Wallen

[Season Nine Opening Sequence]
[The Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike and Crow
appear to be in a rather heated discussion in the
background. Tom Servo stands in the foreground.]
Tom: Hi everybody and welcome back to the Satellite
of Love! We've got a bit of a problem here tonight.
Certain former residents of Wisconsin here on the
Satellite have been keeping a secret from us.
Mike: Hey! I said that I was sorry!
Tom: You see, the previously mentioned cheese head
decided to keep some pets around the Satellite
because they were really cute.
Mike: They were!
Crow: Quiet! I think that they're outside.
[Scritching noises can be heard off screen.]
Tom: Anyway, farm boy has been raising a quartet of
"really cute" polar bear cubs.
Crow: Really cute, now fully grown, polar bear cubs that
this goofball hasn't fed in a week.
Mike: They're all grown up! They should be able to scavenge
for food by themselves!
[Loud thumps can be heard off screen.]
Tom: Well Mike, they're certainly trying, aren't they? And
now if we don't want to become bear snax (TM) then
we've got to stay on the Bridge.
Mike: Come on, guys! We're not trapped here forever. I mean,
they'll eventually starve to death and die. Then we
can leave...
Crow: Hey Tom? I don't see why *we* have to be trapped on
the Bridge. I mean, the bears aren't going to eat us.
Tom: Crow, I wouldn't be so sure...
Crow: Hey! I'm going to head out there right now to get
my Slip 'n' Slide!
Mike: Crow? I don't think that's a good idea...
[Crow exits. Mike walks over to Tom.]
Tom: 5...4...3...2...1...
[The sounds of Kevlar being torn, along with Crow's frantic
screams, can be heard off screen. Moments later, Crow
returns, sans head. Curiously enough, he can still speak.]
Crow: We have some Bactine around, right?
[The commercial sign flashes.]
Mike: We'll be right back.
[Mike hits the commercial sign.]
Crow: [V.O.] Ouch.

[Commercial: Do *you* have polar bears wandering about
*your* house? If so, send them to Outpost.Com! We can use
them!]

[The Bridge of the SoL. Mike stands next to Gypsy, who's
wearing a pith helmet.]
Mike: Are you ready for this, Gypsy?
Gypsy: [Faux Aussie Accent] Yep. I'm to go out and take care
of those poly bars. Right?
Mike: Um, yes.
Gypsy: I'll be back in two shakes of a dingo's tail, mate.
[Gypsy exits.]
Mike: [mumbling] I really wonder about her sometimes.
[Tom and Crow enter. Crow's head is mounted upside down.]
Crow: Mike, we've got a problem here.
Mike: Tom, how on Earth did you manage to do this?
Tom: Hey, you try putting a head on someone using non-
functioning arms!
Mike: [To Crow] This'll just take a second...
[Mike grabs Crow's head and struggles with it for a
few seconds. Then he and Crow topple to the floor.
After a few more seconds, a loud riiipping noise
can be heard.]
Crow: [O.S.] YEOOOWWWWCH!
[The light to Castle Forrester begins to flash.]
Tom: Hey Mike? Klondike, Snow and Ooloo are calling.
Mike: [O.S.] Take care of it, okay?
Tom: Sure thing.
[Tom floats over to the light and slaps it, somehow.]

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl stands in the foreground, looking rather harried.]
Pearl: Tom! You answered! [mumbled] Damn. [Normal]
Well! Um, how are things up there in Churchill?

[SoL]
Tom: Oh, fine. We're just waiting for a story from you.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Really? Great. Well, I've got a fanfic around here
for you. Somewhere. Wait! Wait! We can't start
until Mike gets here!

[SoL]
[Mike pops his head up from behind the console.]
Mike: Oh, we're here, Pearl. We're, just getting Crow's
head on straight.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Heh. Hi Mike. Well, um, we'll have a story for you
any second now. Oh Bobo? How's that story search
going?
[Bobo enters.]
Bobo: Lawgiver? ASC's dry right now.
Pearl: Really? [Chuckles nervously.] Maybe Brain Guy
has something for us.
[Observer enters.]
Observer: I'm afraid that I was unable to find anything
at Gossamer either.
Pearl: RAAC?
Bobo: Nope.
Pearl: ACFF?
Bobo: Nary a thing.
Pearl: RACC?
Observer: Nothing.
Pearl: The South Park fans?
Bobo: They're discussing the symbolism in "The Terrance
and Philip Show."
Pearl: The Xena people?
Observer: They're discussing the Trojan War.
Pearl: The "adult" Xena people?
Observer: They're discussing a different Trojan War.
Pearl: Oh. [pause] What about Ratliff?
Bobo: He's vanished off the face of the Earth.
Pearl: Damn. [To screen] Mike, the unthinkable has
happened. We've run out of material for the
experiments.

[SoL]
[Crow and Mike now are back in view. Mike is just finishing
re-attaching Crow's head. Crow's eyes, however, are without
pupils.]
Mike: Wow! No more experiments? That's great!
Crow: Mike? I think that there's something wrong here...
Tom: Hey Pearl? Have you considered just grabbing a random
thing and sending to us?
[Mike grows wide-eyed.]
Mike: Tom! No!

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl looks stunned.]
Pearl: That's a great idea! Brain guy? Can you zap something
up for me?
Observer: I suppose so.
[Observer's Sound FX plays and a large green book appears in
his hands.]
Observer: Here you are.
Pearl: [Examining the book.] Hmm. The Ultimate Hulk.
[Annoyed] Brain Guy! It's an anthology! Couldn't
you have whipped up a novel at least?
Observer: Pearl, the last time I tried that, we ended up
with the entire print run of that last "Dangerous
Visions" book.
Pearl: That's right. Harlan was really ticked off about
that. Well, I'll just pick a random story...
[She flips to a random page, and points.]
Pearl: Okay, here we go. "The beast with Nine Bands" by
James A. Wolf. I hope that it melts your brain,
Mikey!

[SoL]
[The trio in engaged in an argument. Crow's eyes are still
pupil-less and the lights are flashing.]
Crow: James A. Wolf? Huh.
Mike: Tom! What are you doing?!
Tom: I was just trying to help!
Mike: Tom, DON'T HELP THE EVIL SCIENTISTS! Damn! WE'VE GOT
SHORT STORY SIGN!!!!
Crow: Well, at least I won't have to watch it...
[Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters.]
Crow: Hey Mike? Can you guide me to my seat?
Mike: Crow? What's wrong with your eyes?
[Mike hits Crow on the back of his head.]
Crow: OW! Oh. I can see again. Damn.
Mike: Crow, the next time that something like that happens,
tell me!

>The Beast with Nine Bands
>

Crow: A story about Hank McCoy's secret life as a tour
manager.

>By James A. Wolf
>

Tom: James A. Wolf? Either that's a pseudonym, or a
description!

>The road stretched through a vast expense of dull, flat

Crow: Story?
Mike: Come on, Crow. We're not even done with the first
sentence yet. Give it some time.
Tom: Yeah, wait until it gets really bad.

>Texas scrub. The silver truck-bearing the logo of Texican
>Beverages, the proud makers of Saguro Iced Tea, Commanche
>Cola, and Peccary Fruit Punch-

Tom: See? You're now free to riff away.
Crow: I'm getting the feeling that the Texican Beverage
Corporation is based out of New York City.

> sped down the highway. Its
>driver, a heavyset man with a crewcut left over from his
>army days

Mike: Drew Carey?

> listened to George Strait.

Tom: And the first character introduced is a retired GI Joe.

> The occasional chatter
>strip drowned out the tape, but the driver knew the song so
>well that George sang right over the buzzing meant to keep
>truckers awake. It was part of the music of the road.
>

Crow: One of the cut numbers from "Phantom."

>Normally, Billy Joe McCay would not drive so fast.

Tom: Geez, even his name is inbred.
Mike: Boy, that Dennis Hopper sure gets around.

> He had a
>perfect safety record and never received a single ticket in
>his fifteen years of driving tractor-trailer trucks.

Mike: That's because everyone who tried to give him a ticket
was now buried in a shallow grave.

>Tonight, however, he had a good reason for speeding back to
>Amarillo from Fort Worth. He was heading home to watch his
>son, Bubba,

Crow: The future President of the United States.

> play his first high-school football game as a
>starter.

Tom: Yes, tonight the red and black of Tascosa High School
would be taking on. . .
Mike: Tom, please no more pointless Amarillo trivia.
Tom: Can't I even talk about the Helium Monument? Or the
Cadillac Ranch?
Crow: Tom, let it go.

> Bubba was not in a position that received much
>glory, but even offensive guards need love, especially when
>facing a school with the best inside linebacking tandem in
>the state.

Crow: Okay, I think this character's hickness has been
established by now....

> Billie Joe had the road to himself, and
>visibility was excellent, with a full moon bathing the land
>in her borrowed sunlight.
>

Tom: [Billy Joe] What's this here pentagram doin' on
ma hand?

>The accident was not his fault.
>

Crow: Billy Joe probably shouldn't have let Joseph Hazelwood
drive, but he looked so sad and lonely...

>He was thinking about the upcoming game when, suddenly, a
>mound-shaped form stumbled onto the interstate,

Mike: And an almond joy-shaped form stumbled away.

> directly in
>the truck's path. It was as big a Volkswagen minibus,

Tom: It's the Widowmaker!
Mike: FLOOR IT!

> the
>kind the hippies from Austin drove and lived in.

Tom: I call no _Partridge Family_ jokes.

> The
>instant he saw the object illuminated by the semi's
>highbeams, Billy Joe instinctively swerved left and stomped
>on the brakes, slamming the heel of his palm on the horn.
>

Crow: [Billy Joe] Read ma palm, ya stupid horn!

>No truck can stop easily, even without the full load of
>sixteen-ounce bottles Billy Joe ferried.

Tom: He's the Charon of soft drinks.

> As he bore down on
>the mysterious object in front of him, he noticed the nine
>vertical stripes on its dust-colored flanks.
>

Tom: Tigger's on a rampage!
Crow: Tiger tiger burning bright, scaring truckers in the
night.

>Then the thing leapt so swiftly that by the time Billy
>Joe's mind registered its movement, the thing was already
>on the way down.

Mike: With the rest of the Fantastic Four close behind.

> It landed on the trailer,

Tom: [Billy Joe] Get offa ma house!

> far behind the
>cab,

Crow: Yes, the cast of _Taxi_ wants to get as far away from
this story as possible.

> pushing the vehicle further into the turn, causing the
>van to tip over dangerously.
>
>Billy Joe thought of his wife and God before his truck flew
>off the road and the impact drove him into darkness.
>

Mike: So, we've had a truck wreck, a wife, and a reference
to God so far.
Tom: Yep. We're reading a country song.
Crow: [Billy Joe] Please God, I'm only 17...years away from
finishing high school.

>The other participant landed on a Joshua tree abutting the
>road.

Crow: Bono and the boys aren't going to be too happy about
that.

> The gnarled conifer shattered under the beast's bulk.

Mike: [Beast] Sorry. I'll join Weight Watchers as soon as
possible.

>The creature righted itself, shook its head as if to clear
>it, and trudged into the prairie night.
>

Mike: The beast continued its evil search for Michael
Landon.

>
>
>Earlier that evening,

Crow: Executives at NBC were desperately meeting in
an attempt to stop the network's ratings slide.

> a cobalt-blue van was driving in the
>opposite direction on the same highway. Rick Jones was
>driving the van he referred to as the "Winnebago from
>Hell."

Crow: Somehow I have trouble picturing the Prince of
Darkness and his minions tormenting mankind from
a Winnebago.

> It did look like a small recreational vehicle on the
>outside.
>

Tom: But, on the inside, the cast of "Road Rules" had made
some 'improvements'.

>Naturally, appearances were deceiving; the van, with its
>high-tech arsenal, could meet an M1 tank on fairly equal
>terms.

Crow: That's one hell of a motorhome....
Tom: Noooo. It's an EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle.

> Inside the van was an astonishing assortment of
>personal weapons,

Mike: Actually, that sounds like my brother's car....

> some of which could place their wielder
>on an almost even footing with many of the super heroes
>roaming the world.
>

Mike: Heroes like Frogman!
Tom: Doug Ramsey!
Crow: And most of the Legion of Substitute Heroes!

>The van had been stolen by a renegade secret agent named
>Clay Quartermain.

Crow: I don't even know what a quartermain is, but I don't
think they're supposed to be made from clay.

> A handsome, blond-haired man with
>chiseled features and intense blue eyes,

Mike: Well, that would be Robert Redford. But he's not
in this story. Instead, we've got Clay "Pastyface"
Quartermain.

> Quatermain had
>until recently been a member of a law enforcement agency
>called S.H.I.E.L.D.;

Crow: Sniffing Hounds In Eastern Loading Dock?

> its name was an acronym for Strategic
>Hazard Intelligence, Espionage and Logistics Directorate.

Tom: Its goal was to provide the espionage and logistics
necessary to catch dem Duke boys.

>At the moment, he was glaring at the man hunched in the
>rear of the van.
>

Crow: With a talking great dane.

>The target of Quartermain's anger was an ordinary man with
>dull brown hair and thick glasses, which gave him a true
>impression of studiousness.

Mike: Stephen Ratliff?

> Nobody glancing at the Casper
>Milquetoast-like figure would guess that the world trembled
>at the mere mention of his name:

Crow: Bill Gates.

> Dr. Bruce Banner.

Crow: Well, I was close.

>
>Alter ego of the incredible Hulk.
>

Mike: And ex-championship mambo dancer.
Tom: o/~ The incredible, edible Hulk. o/~

>"You stupid, pigheaded mo-ron," Quartermain snarled.

Tom: To live with the mo-ron. To be like the mo-ron....

> "You
>*had* to brawl with that blasted mutant and screw up our
>schedule."
>

Crow: [Quartermain] That's the last time we crossover with
those blasted Ninja Turtles! From now on, we leave 'em
for that Dragon freak, got me!?

>Quartermain was talking about the previous night, when the
>Hulk battled the X-Man called Wolverine outside of Dallas.

Mike: Larry Hagman repeatedly told them to go away.

>A few nights before that, Quartermain and the Hulk had
>destroyed Gamma Base, and now they and Rick Jones were
>fugitives, searching for the government's collection of
>gamma bombs-

Tom: Shouldn't Quartermain be searching for King Solomon's Mines?

> devices like the one that had created the
>Hulk.
>

Mike: [Walter Winchell] Meanwhile, J. Edgar Hoover's G-bombs
sped toward Capone's hideout.
Crow: Good grief! How much background does one short story
need?

>Banner said mildly, "It was the Hulk, not me."
>

Tom: [Banner] No, wait! It was the one-armed man! Or maybe
Kayzer Soze....

>Quartermain opened his mouth, but closed it hastily.

Crow: Wow. The fly problem must be really severe in
the Texas panhandle.
Mike: It's probably mosquitoes.

> The
>border where Banner ended and the Hulk began had become
>nebulous, especially now that the Hulk was less powerful,
>but more intelligent.

Crow: Previously, he was at defensive tackle intelligence.
Now, he's up to a cornerback.

> The Hulk's skin was now gray in tone,
>and he emerged from Banner with the setting of the sun.
>

Tom: So the Hulk's become a reverse Superman?

>"Look Quartermain, I said I'm sorry," Banner snapped.

Mike: [Banner] I just wanted to snuggle. Is that so wrong?

> "It
>that isn't enough, then take it up with the Hulk." He
>pointed to the blood red sun ,

Mike: Huitzilopochtli?

> low on the horizon before
>them. "He'll be out in a little while."
>

Crow: Probably after he finishes watching "Friends."

>Quartermain scowled.
>

Tom: [Quatermain] He's still watching that? They really
tanked after that monkey left.

>"Do you think time is of the essence?" asked Banner.
>

Mike: Please. Don't use the word "essence."

>"Maybe," replied the ex-agent. "I have this feeling we
>aren't the only players in this gamma bomb drama.

Tom: Yeah look! There's Auntie Ness, the Swamp Thing
and Ernest Borgnine too!
Crow: But Ernest Borg..
Mike: Enough.

> Call it
>paranoia, or even woman's intuition." He flashed a brief,
>ironic smile.

Tom: Duh, I made a funny.

> "Besides, the longer we're on the road, the
>more exposed we are."
>
>Jones groaned as the radio dissolved into static in the
>middle of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Tom: Okay, there's a Meatloaf song.
Crow: This is going to turn into a "Rocky Horror" crossover,
isn't it?
Mike: Relax. Even Marvel hasn't sunk that low. Yet.

> At least music
>was a distraction from the tedium of driving through the
>unchanging flatland. The moment was coming for the change,
>and Jones dreaded it.

Mike: Wow. Jones has had an exceptionally long puberty.

> He wondered how far down on the
>horizon the sun would go before-
>

Tom: ...it crashed into the Earth and engulfed the globe
in its fiery wrath.

>"Ahh!" Banner clutched his stomach and crumpled.
>

Tom: Well, I see that the Frito chili pie that Banner
ate in Canyon finally caught up with him.

>Right on schedule, Jones thought as he glanced in the
>rear-view mirror.
>

Crow: Hey! A white Bronco! With a bunch of police
cars chasing it at really low speeds!

>Banner was in a fetal position, screaming in agony from the
>transformation that occurred with the setting of the sun.
>Jones determinedly switched his eyes back to the road. He
>had seen the transformation before; it still sickened him.
>

Mike: Jones had the same reaction to "Teletubbies."

>"Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!" The scientist's voice fell two
>octaves in that one scream.

Tom: Sort of like an inverse testicle-kick.

> Banner's body stretched as if
>every fiber of his being was on a rack.

Tom: The clearance rack at K-Mart, to be exact.

> His features
>contorted as his face became wider and a snarl set on his
>lips. The skin turned slate gray and his jumpsuit shredded
>as Banner's body grew.
>

Crow: This has to be the worst version of "The Nutty
Professor" that I've ever seen...

>
>Being the Hulk was hell on the clothing budget.
>

Mike: And he has a dickens of a time finding property
insurance too.

>"Okay, Binky," the Hulk said to Quartermain with his usual
>growl, "Now where are we?"
>
>"We're in the county of Arcadia Plains, Texas," Quartermain
>said. We'll take Route 27 north to 287 all the way to
>Kansas. Is that okay?"
>

Mike: I think it'd be faster if we head down 36, then over
through Denton, then over to Route 45.
Crow: No, we need to head over to I-19, then head two
miles east to that interchange. After that, it's
go past the next two lights, then drive east 400
miles. Boom! We're there!
Tom: Can't we just drive to the airport and take a plane?

>"Nothing's okay, especially not you, Quartermain," the Hulk
>replied. "You've got a beef,

Tom: So THAT'S where the beef is.

> don't take it up with Banner-
>say it to my face.

All: It to my face.

> If you've got the guts that is."
>

Mike: [Hulk] You might win Bruce Banner's money!

>The van sped on. It was already turning out to be a long
>night.
>

Tom: Well, why don't you just kick at the darkness until
it bleeds daylight?

>
>"What kind of girl do you think I am?" Suzy McAllen
>demanded of her boyfriend, Brent Brewer.
>

Mike: [Brent, hopefully] Cheap and slutty?
Crow: Suddenly, we're in a completely different comic book.
Tom: o/~ Well, I remember every little thing as if it
happened only yesterday....

>Brent, not wishing to get slapped again,

Mike: Had Suzy arrested.

> censored his first
>thought.

Crow: Somebody needs to report Suzy to the ACLU.

> Instead he said, "Aw come on, Suzy Q."
>

Tom: o/~ Parking by the lake, and there was not another
car in sight. o/~

>Suzy casually rearranged her hair and said, "I don't know
>why I came here. We shouldn't have left the party."
>

Crow: [Suzy] But when Ted Kennedy showed up, I thought I'd
better high-tail it out of there.

>Brent, who knew why *he* came here,

Mike: God? Well, I imagine he just likes the scenery.

> realized his objectives
>were unattainable for tonight.

Tom: And he's out. No, wait, safe, safe at second base!

> A strategic withdrawal in
>good order would permit him to regroup and ensure that he
>would be well positioned for future attempts.

Crow: And the author exercises his deft control of
euphemism.

> He turned the
>ignition and let the motor run for a few moments.
>
>Suzy sighed. "Brent, I'm sorry. It was-"
>

Tom: o/~ Cold and lonely in the deep dark night? o/~

>"Hey, I understand. It's okay. You just didn't feel like
>it."
>

Tom : o/~ Let me sleep on it, baby, baby. Let me sleep on
it. o/~

>As Brent turned on the headlights, Suzy said, "I'm so glad
>that you-Brent!"

Crow: [Brent] Yeah, me Brent, you Jane.

> She pointed at a form illuminated by the
>headlights, and shrieked.
>

Mike: It's Meat Loaf! He's after Tom for copyright
infringement!
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

>Brent's jaw fell at the sight of the monster's head.

Crow: [falsetto] It's Richard Simmons!

> It was
>narrow, with a long snout, framed by a pair of donkey ears
>as long as his arm.

Tom: When Democrats are exposed to gamma rays.
Crow: That sounds like a mutant Trumpy.

> But it was the eyes- the black,
>soulless, beady eyes- that threw him into raw panic.

Mike: A brand new 1999 Chevy Raw Panic!

> He
>yanked the gearshift into reverse and stepped on the gas,
>hurling the car blindly backwards into the darkness.
>

Mike: Colliding with the darkness caused $800 in damage to
the fender.

>
>After the Hulk's emergence, the van was silent for almost
>two hours.

Tom : [Hulk] You're still mad about me and Northstar,
aren't you?
Crow: [Quatermain] We had something special, dammit! And
you just...
Mike: [Jones] Shh! We're back live!

> Then Rick Jones shouted, "Whoa!" and pointed to
>the impressive sight of the wreckage ahead of them.
>

Crow: [Quartermain] That wreck'll divert the writer's
attention from our little tryst!
Tom: o/~ It's the wreck of the Billy Joe McCaaay! o/~

>A tractor-trailer lay on its left side, three-quarters off
>the highway. Jones pulled over to the shoulder of the road.
>

Mike: [Jones] This is great! We can loot the trailer and
use the ill-gotten gains to buy the Hulk that tanning
booth that he's always wanted!
Crow: [Quartermain] Well, he is looking rather sickly...

>The Hulk remained in the van, not to hide, but to sulk and
>grumble about his two human companions.
>

Mike: I can sympathize.
Bots: [glare angrily]

>Jones tended to Billy Joe, who had miraculously escaped
>with only cuts and scrapes.

Tom: Yep, he's from G.I. Joe all right. He's able to eject
from a plane just after it's been shot. He can stand
in the middle of a fire fight without a scratch...
Mike: Tom, I never knew that you had this dislike of the
Joes.
Tom: Well, now you know.
Mike: And knowing is half the battle.
Crow: I wonder if all of the juice from the truck has made
the ground all, what's that word...?
Mike: Wet?
Crow: No.
Tom: Moist?
Crow: No. Starts with a d...
Mike: Drenched?
Crow: Yeah, drenched!
Mike: Probably not. Those trucks don't really have that
much juice in them.

> Quartermain walked the length
>of the truck, scanning the highway with a flashlight.
>

Mike: It's James Wolf's Lost Highway!

>"Should I call the cops, Clay?" Jones asked.
>

Crow: [Dr. F] Not now, booby.

>"Yeah. We'll keep the Hulk hidden back there." The renegade
>was unusually pensive.

Mike: His series had been canceled.

> "Rick, did you see anything. . .
>suspicious up there?"
>
>Jones tapped the medical kit against his thigh. "What do
>you mean, 'suspicious'?"
>

Crow: sus*pi*cious, sus-'spi-shus, adj., 14th century
1: tending to arouse suspicion : QUESTIONABLE
2: disposed to suspect : DISTRUSTFUL
3: expressing or indicative of suspicion

>"This situation is weird. A one-vehicle accident on a clear
>road, and no sign of another vehicle at all? There's no
>sign of a collision, either. I saw skidmarks from the
>truck, but nothing else."
>
>"Mechanical failure?"

Tom: Maybe he o/~ Never saw the sudden curve 'til it's way
too late....o/~
Crow: We're in enough trouble with ASCAP as it is...

> That was what reporters always
>mentioned on the news when aeronautical officials could
>not figure out why a plane had crashed.
>

Crow: Well, it does sound better than blaming the crash
on flying elves.

>"I doubt it. We have one set of skidmarks here,"
>Quartermain pointed his light down the road, "and they
>clearly indicate the driver swerved to avoid an object.

Tom: [Quartermain] And they also indicate that the driver
was a 45 year old, left handed male with a receding
hairline.

>Driver in the right lane of a westbound highway, swerves
>violently into the median strip and..."

Mike: Then he went to Tibet.

> His voice trailed
>off as he walked along the dark trail created by the
>truck's tires.
>

Crow: Boy, that Clay sure has a short attention span.

>The Hulk emerged from the van and, looking at the rear
>doors of the overturned trailer, said, "Texican Beverages.
>Good. I'll have something to wash my chow down after I find
>something to eat.

Mike: [Hulk] I love it when my drinks are full of broken
glass.

> I'm gone." He crouched in preparation for
>a tremendous leap.
>

Tom: Bruce Banner stars in _Quantum Leap_.

>"Wait!" yelled Quartermain. "we're calling an ambulance
>and-"
>

Mike: Then we'll be heading off to KFC to pick up some
Pokemon dolls.

>"I can't be seen," finished the Hulk.

Tom: Hulk! This is no time to be doing LARP!

> "I know. That's why
>I'm going down there." He indicated the arid landscape.
>"I'll hide out until dawn. Just before dawn, have Jones
>look for me with some clean clothes and some breakfast."

Crow: [Hulk] And have him enroll in a pottery course. I've
got some lovely flower pots that need to be glazed.
Mike: I'm feeling a mite peckish myself too.
Tom: Let's take a break.
[Mike picks up Tom and they exit the theater.]

**continued**