[MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 4/11 [NC-17]
Kaitou Juliet
> *
Joel: [singing] Well, I know that you are a shooting star...
>
> It must have been mere hours later, when the others were preparing for
> the night, that I noticed Boromir
Joel: The future King of Men isn't too perceptive, is he? I mean,
Boromir's *huge*.
> sitting apart,
Tom: Pull it together, man!
> on a stone
> overlooking some darker, less inhabited dale of the forest.
Crow: Like "The Thinker".
Tom: I think we can safely rule that out, eh?
>
> "Try to get some sleep", I said, walking up to him, trying to sound
> neither patronising nor sheepish.
Crow: Maybe Boromir likes sheep?
Joel: Don't even, Crow.
> "The borders of this forest are well guarded.
Joel: Curse this leafy prison!
> We are
> safe here."
Crow: Yeah...that's what he *wanted* you to think.
>
> He looked at me, his eyes unsteady
Tom: ...after all the dope he's been doing...
> with pain and worry, and answered:
Joel: [Boromir] Aragorn, I've been having these disturbing thoughts
deep in my subconscious that I might be a little gay. What do
you think?
> "I will
> find no peace here among these trees."
Crow: [Boromir] I never knew trees could *really* scream. I can't take
it any more!
>
> He looked at me again and finally, for the first time,
Crow: [Aragorn] Realized I was actually a man.
> confided in me.
>
> "She has seen into my heart", he said softly, barely hidden terror in
> his voice.
Joel: [Boromir] She told me my arteries are clogged and I'll need to go
on a low-fat diet.
Tom: [Aragorn, sympathetically] Dude, that sucks!
>
> I half expected to find some grim satisfaction to see him so
> vulnerable and even more shaken than myself,
Crow: [Aragorn] I like my Boromir shaken, not stirred.
> yet it was only the wish
> to console him,
Joel: Like a big TV from the 1970s?
> to ease this burden that wore down his heavy
> shoulders,
Tom: Aragorn could volunteer to carry Boromir's backpack. That might
be helpful.
> that I found within me.
>
> I sat down next to him, and he began to talk, reluctant at first, then
> ever more freely,
Crow: [Aragorn] And then on and on, endlessly, until the only thought
that filled my brain was the desire to kill him and be done with
his noise forever.
> about his fear to fail his people, to loose the war,
Joel: What a great Steward, loosing the war upon his people like that!
> to fail to hold up
> to his own expectations.
Tom: Lowered Expectations Dating Service could use good men like
Boromir.
> And then, finally letting down his usually
> ever-present guard,
Crow: [Boromir] Okay, Jack. You can go home now. Stand down, soldier.
> he began to talk about how he missed his home of Minas Tirith. How
> the white towers gleamed in the morning light like so much
Tom: --Teeth, treated with Crest WhiteStrips.
> pearl and
> the feeling of being called home by the clear sound of
Joel: --The little ChuckWagon, coming out from under the sink.
> silver horns.
>
> "I have a dream", he said,
Tom: Channeling Dr. King, in another dimension...
> smiling at me sadly. "One day, we both will ride into
> the White City,
Joel: [Boromir] --and order hamburgers at the White Castle.
> and all the folk will be there,
Tom: Including his peeps, yo?
> hailing us, shouting
> 'Alas, the Lords of Gondor have returned!'"
Crow: [The folk of Gondor] Shoot! We thought they were gone for good.
Just when you start to celebrate...
>
> And he smiled at me again, offering me a truce with his kind words
> after so much useless suffering.
Tom: So Boromir finally stopped talking?
Crow: That was *Aragorn* suffering uselessly, right? During Boromir's
tirade?
Joel: No, I think it was *us*.
>
> Yet it was exactly the one kind of truce I could not accept. I could
> be second to none,
Joel: Aragorn is TO THE X-TREME!!
> nor could I share my rule
Tom: Aragorn apparently missed that lesson about sharing in preschool.
Crow: [Aragorn] My rule! Mine! You can't play with it!
> with however valiant a knight. I hated my
> fate, dealing me a lover I could never reach,
Joel: [Aragorn] Curse my short Ranger arms!
> and then, when finally
> he turned to accept me,
Crow: [Boromir] I *guess* this Aragorn will have to do...
> having to reject him myself. I tried to sit
> back, to be quiet and say nothing,
Tom: [Aragorn] In the hopes that he would just get the hint and go
away.
> just to keep this moment of mutual friendship unblemished,
Joel: Break out the social Stridex.
> but I
> could not. Not with the memory of Galadriels voice pounding in the
> back of my head.
Tom: [Aragorn] ...like a hangover I could never forget in all my days.
>
> "There will never be two Lords of Gondor", I said softly,
Joel: [Aragorn] Not after I KILL YOU!
> painfully
> aware of how much effort it cost me.
Crow: I didn't know Aragorn was a stutterer.
>
> Boromir just sat there, and I already feared that he might
Tom: --Catch a second wind and start talking again?
> have
> overheard my words, when finally he turned around to face me, with all
> the sadness of the world in his eyes.
Crow: That's gotta hurt some, eh?
>
> "I know..", he said, tears all but strangling his voice.
Joel: I bet Aragorn is wishing secretly that the tears had strangled
more than Boromir's voice.
Tom: I know *I* am.
Crow: The voice might be enough...
>
> It broke my heart.
All: Awwww!
>
> "Why--", I started, surprised by the fact that I had to bite back
> tears, too.
Crow: Couple of manly-men, these.
>
> "Why don't we go for a walk, so that we won't disturb the others", I
> proposed,
Tom: Wait, they're getting married already? That was quick.
> gently nodding towards the rest of our company, mainly busy getting
> some sleep.
Crow: Except for the hobbits, who were going at it like rabbits in
springtime.
>
> For a moment Boromir thoughtfully
Joel: Okay, okay--that blew the whole story for me. How far out of
character can we get?
> looked where I had been pointing to,
> then nodded and rose.
Crow: and thus, the sex scene begins.
> With a quiet gesture of good will he offered me
Tom: [Aragorn] --A sandwich! Gods bless him, I'm his!
> one of his broad hands to
Crow: [Aragorn] --Slap the side of my face. Damn Gandalf for
insinuating that night around the campfire that I liked it
rough...
> help me, which I thankfully accepted.
Tom: [Aragorn] Thank you, Boromir. May I have another?
> The
> last days had been draining our bodies to the limit,
Joel: Like a huge, bright vampire.
> and now, in
> security, they started to demand some care with a vengeance.
Tom: So, they need to care for...the days?
> But an
> aching heart will always overrule aching feet,
Joel: Yes, heart attacks do tend to kill quicker than fallen arches.
> and so we both set out
> for a walk along the less populated areas of the forest.
Crow: Most of the forest had become so crowded that it was almost like
living in suburbia or something.
Joel: It's like living in Ultima Online.
>
> *
Joel: [sings] When you wish upon a star...
>
> We walked in silence for a while, the broad Gondorian prince
Crow: So he's really a she? A princess?
> and I, each one
> seemingly sorting out his own messed-up emotions.
Tom: [Aragorn] Boromir, your "love" is in my "despair".
Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, well, your "heartbreak" is in my "desire".
>
> After some time, when the silence became oppressive, I managed to say:
>
> "We do have to talk."
Joel: That usually preceedes the "Let's be friends" speech.
>
> How weak a line for a man expected to rule a country within a score of
> month!
Joel: Dude, that was weak!
Tom: Does this month seem unusually long to any of you, or is it just
me?
>
> But Boromir did not seem to notice or care for my obvious absence of
> any form of expressional talent,
Crow: Like Boromir'd recognize that if he saw it! Having none of his
own, I mean.
> and nodding slowly he answered,
> equally sheepish:
Joel: [Boromir] Baa.
>
> "Yes, we do."
Tom: [Boromir] We do have to talk. Wish we could do the mind-
projecting thing like that hippie elf chick.
>
> I attributed his muted voice to his encounter with the Lady Galadriel,
Crow: Wore out his mouth, eh?
Joel: That's base, even for you.
> never
> guessing it might stem from some other worry, one concerning me far
> more personally.
Crow: Think Boromir's worried about not measuring up once the clothes
come off?
Joel: I don't want to think about it, Crow.
>
> But facing an enemy within oneself is always harder than facing an
> enemy outside,
Tom: Just ask the people on the ship in _Alien_.
> and it took me some considerable strength to ask:
Crow: [Aragorn] So, Boromir...boxers or briefs?
>
> "Why have you always kept away yourself so much?
Tom: I didn't know Aragorn was Pennsylvania Dutch!
> I have tried so often
> to treat you
Joel: [Aragorn] But you keep insisting we go dutch!
> as a friend, yet every time you rejected my offers."
Crow: [Boromir] Oh, you just wanted to be *friends*? And all this
time, I thought you were hitting on me.
>
> Abruptly, Boromir turned around and stared at me, all traces of
> sadness wiped away by an expression of pure flaring anger.
Crow: Flaming anger?
Tom: Somebody's face should be red, after this.
>
> "You?!", he bellowed at me. "You tried to be friends?"
Joel: [Aragorn] Well, aside from all those times I tried to kill you in
your sleep, yeah.
Crow: [Aragorn] You've gotta focus on the positive, man.
>
> He stepped up to me, his body emanating
Tom: --Really nauseating body odor.
> the feeling of physical power barely
> hold in check.
Crow: Hold in check...let cash roam free?
>
> Maybe my idea of opening our talk with something that might be
> misunderstood as an allegation had not been so wise a move,
Joel: Ya think?!
> but it was
> too late now.
Tom: [Aragorn] Him being dead and all.
All: D'oh!
>
> "You little upstart with your elven upbringing and your elven manners
> and your elven haughtiness tried to be friendly?"
Joel: [Boromir] I'm, like, so sure.
Tom: I feel like I've wandered into an alternate-reality set of
_Heathers_.
>
> He gave off a snorting laugh, saying
Tom: [Boromir] Damn fine cocaine!
>
> "That's ridiculous!",
Crow: No, Gollum doing a softshoe in a straw boater is ridiculous.
Joel: Gandalf: P.I.
Tom: Dwarf stacking.
Crow: Halfling lap dances!
Joel: Saruman in a tutu smoking a tube of pepsodent!
Tom: The one pizza... TO RULE THEM ALL.
All: THAT'S ridiculous.
> and turned away, deeper into the woods.
Joel: Of course, he can only go halfway into the woods before he's
coming out again.
Crow: There's all sorts of coming out in this story....
>
> I stood, stunned by surprise and disbelief, and felt white-hot anger
> welling up in me.
Tom: Rejected friendship is like an inferno raging inside you.
> Of all people of Middle-earth he dared to call me
> haughty?
Joel: Yeah, 'cause that reaction doesn't sound haughty at all...
> Him, who tortured my heart from the beginning with constant
Crow: Talking?
> spite and rejection?
>
> I went after him,
Tom: Well, that's what Boromir's wanted all along, right? Problem
solved and story ended. Right?
> all fatigue forgotten, yelling:
>
> "You stop now, son of the Steward of Gondor!"
Tom: Back to preschool again for Aragorn, I see.
>
> Called by his title, he stopped and turned to see what I was coming up
> with, his anger still clearly written in his face.
Crow: I feel like I'm watching pro-wrestling.
>
> "You cannot call me haughty and walk away on me like that!"
Joel: Does that seem like it should be followed by a "You bitch!" to
anyone else?
>
> I came up to him and stood there, clearly in defiance of all his
> allegations.
Tom: [Aragorn] I object! It was *not* Miss Scarlet in the Billiard
Room with the wrench!
>
> "Of all people you call me haughty? You, who never had a friendly word
> for me, whatever I did? You, who turned away every time I offered
> help? You, who--"
Tom: Forget _Heathers_. Now it's _90210_.
>
> "SHUT up!", Boromir hissed,
Tom: [Aragorn] Realizing I was right.
> emanating pure physical threat.
>
> "Neither do I need your help, nor do I want it."
Tom: [Aragorn] Fine! But the next time an orc shoots you full of
arrows, don't come crying to *me*!
>
> Breathing heavily,
Joel: Now he's a phone perv? Will wonders never cease?
Crow: It's Middle-Earth. He's a palantir perv.
> he stared at me with all the bile of the worlds in
> his looks.
Crow: Wow...that's...icky.
>
> "I do not need you, nor does Gondor need you.
Joel: [Aragorn, singing] Nobody likes me/everybody hates me/I think
I'll go eat worms...
> And least of all, we
> have a use for a king who'd care more about elves than for men!"
Crow: They *do* have a use for such a king? Other than for target
practice, that is?
>
> It was simply to much for me to bear. First this constant pain of our
> non-relationship,
Tom: If there is no relationship, how can there be anything to feel
pain over?
> his constant rejection, the loss of Gandalf,
Joel: The rejection of Boromir is hardly on par with the loss of
Gandalf.
> Galadriels reprimand and now Boromir ridiculous insults.
Tom: [Aragorn] I mean really, "Not-Quite-Elfy-Not-Quite-King"? Surely
you can do better than that!
> On other
> days, I might just have laughed at his piteous efforts of
> justification,
Crow: As do we all, man, as do we all.
> but that night, under the trees of Lorien, I physically
> flung myself
Tom: [Aragorn] --Off a cliff, thus ending my torment.
> at him, only filled with the intend to tear his flesh and
> stop his petrified, malicious little heart from beating forever.
Tom: Um...if his heart is petrified, I doubt it's beating any.
Joel: Semantics, Tom. How many times do I have to tell you?
>
> He must have had expected my attack, though, for he managed to avoid
> my blow
Crow: Funny, I thought that's what Boromir's been wanting all along?
> and propel me into a nearby tree-root easily the size of a
> man.
Tom: [Aragorn] 'Twas a fine tree-root, and on first glance it was hard
to decide between its company and that of Boromir.
Crow: They're both of about equal intelligence.
>
> Grunting, he stepped towards me, but I managed to get on my feet
> faster and lurched at him again.
Joel: This is like watching "Hokey Pokey for Beginners."
> This time, I caught him off-guard,
Crow: Wait--did he just finish doing Jack, too? And after just letting
the man have the night off...
> and together we fell to the mossy ground, me on top of him both
> beating each other mindlessly.
Crow: So, they're--
Joel: That's enough out of you, buddy.
> Going for faces and groins,
Crow: But, Joel--
Joel: Just don't.
> we brawled
> like drunkards in front of a tavern, with bleeding noses and bleeding
> knuckles.
Tom: Three days later, their angsty foreplay continues....
>
> Somehow his strong blows must have shifted my weight,
Crow: Lightened his load, I'll bet.
Joel: I'm going to wire your jaw shut, Crow.
> for all of a
> sudden, he bucked up wildly, jerking up his knees,
Crow: Give the man a towel, for pity's sake!
Joel: I mean it, Crow! I'm getting the pliers now!
> thrusting me into
> the moss next to him.
Crow: Thrusting into me?
>
> Before I could recover, he was on top of me, raising his arms for a
> final blow.
Tom: Come on, Joel. You have to admit this double-entendre can't all
be coincidence.
>
> Yet the expected blow never came.
Crow: That must have been a let-down, eh?
>
> Instead, he let go of me after a moment, dropping himself next to a
> moss-covered root.
Tom: See? Now Boromir's going for the hot tree-root.
>
> I sat up, bewildered, for I honestly had expected a killing blow after
Crow: [Aragorn] All that foreplay.
> I had seen the mad rage he was capable of in his eyes.
>
> But Boromir sat there, mere meters away, his head between his knees,
Joel: --Kissing his ass goodbye.
Tom: Wow! I didn't know warriors were strong *and* flexible!
Crow: Guess he didn't really need Aragorn after all...
> strandy hair covering all his expressions.
Tom: Strandy?
Joel: Beats me.
>
> "Go away", he muttered defeatedly. "If you really tried to do good,
> you leave me now."
Tom: [Aragorn] It's "do *well*", you moron. Stupid Boromir.
>
> I wiped off snot and blood from my face
Tom: There's an image I didn't need.
Crow: Trust me--it could be worse.
Joel: I'm sure it will be, before it's over.
> and really thought about
> leaving this mad scene,
Joel: [Aragorn] "Rosemary for remembrance"? Pshaw!
> but something in his voice
All: [singing] "Is it in his voice?/Oh no, that's just his charm..."
> made me stay, much
> to my own fortune.
Tom: [Dirty Harry] Ya feel lucky, Aragorn? Do ya, punk?!
CONTINUED in part 5