[Misting] A Letter to the Fans pt. 1 (revised)
KenWMcC55
"An Open Letter To The Fans- By Karen McCoy"
Misting by CDM (cdm...@juno.com)
(theme, door sequence)
(Deep 13. The lights are down. Pearl is asleep on the couch,
mumbling in her sleep. Dr. Forrester is nowhere to be seen.
Slowly, a loud vworping sound fills the room. A blue police
box fades into existence. After a while, the door opens and
a long haired, strikingly handsome man in a fancy coat steps
out. After locking the door, he examines his surroundings)
Doctor: Where am I now? Shouldn't have taken that left turn at
Albuquerque. (sniffs the air, crinkles his nose) Smells
like Adric's room.
(The Doctor notices Pearl on the couch. Walking over, he leans forward
to take a closer look.)
Doctor: Roseanne?
(Pearl's arm shoots out and grabs the Doctor in a choke hold, squeezing
him to her chest)
Pearl (mumbling, stroking the Doctor's hair with her free hand):
Fabio! I knew we were meant for each other! Your hair is
so soft, your nose is so...big? (Pearl wakes up, and seeing
the Doctor, screams) Intruder!!!
Doctor (squeezing out of Pearl's grip): Zodin?
(Pearl, in a light blue nightie, jumps up and slugs the Doctor)
Doctor (falling to the ground): Grace...?
Pearl: CLAYTON! Get in here this minute!
(Doctor Forrester runs in, wearing green jammies)
Dr. F: Mother, what happened?
Pearl (pointing to the Doctor's unconscious body): Not what happened,
*who* happened! This animal had his hands all over me!
(Dr. F leans down and takes a closer look at the Doctor's prone body)
Dr. F: Well, he doesn't look like he could harm a fly. In fact,
he reminds me of...
(Dr. F's eyes bug out, and he quickly jumps up and runs off
screen. When he comes back, he's holding a poster of the
Doctor standing in front of his TARDIS. Looking down, he does
another double take, then looks around and spots the TARDIS.
Running over to it, he does yet another double take, and then
starts dancing one of his weird jigs)
Pearl: What are you so happy about? This man attacked me!
Dr. F (runs back over and points to the Doctor's sinert body):
Do you know who this is, Mother? This is the Doctor, and that
(pointing to the Police Box) is his TARDIS! Do you know what
this means?
Pearl: That you've been watching too much BBC America?
Dr. F: No! With that machine, I can get rid of those worthless
guinea pigs up there and take over the world!
Pearl: Sounds good, but only if we stop by Gallifrey. I've always
wanted one of those robes.
Dr. F: But mother...
Pearl: CLAYTON!
Dr. F (defeatedly): I suppose. But, (pointing to the Doctor) we
need to do something about *him*. Wait, I know...
(cut to SOL - room is darkened and quiet, when sirens start blaring.
Mike, in bathrobe, comes running in, while Tom and Crow come
running from opposite directions and smack into each other)
Mike (looking around): What in Lenin's ghost is happening!
Tom (whisking up from the floor): I think Chris and Roz are calling.
Crow (finally getting up off the floor): Isn't she dead?
(Mike hits the button)
(Deep 13- Dr. F, now in his lab-coat, is smiling triumphantly)
Dr. F: I hope you slept well, because your time is almost
up, Neldric!
(SOL)
Mike (confused): What in Estelle Ghetty are you talking about?!
(Deep 13- Dr. F points over to TARDIS)
Dr. F: That is my ticket to world domination! So, I won't be needing
you proles anymore! Mother, throw the Time Loser into the
Umbilicus!
Pearl (off screen): Away you go, pretty boy!
(SOL)
Mike: What the... Time Loser?
Crow (whispering to Servo behind Mike's back): You know, that box
looked awfully familiar.
Tom (whispering back): Yeah, for some reason I keep thinking
of scantily clad screaming women.
(They are interrupted when the Doctor is shot out from the Umbilicus)
Crow: Whoah! Is that who I think it is?
Tom: Couldn't be! (both disappear behind counter)
Mike: Hey guys, what's all this about? (follows the bots down, as
Cambot adjusts and zooms in on the three examining the Doctor)
Crow: Big nose, long hair...
Tom: Fancy costume stolen from a locker...
Mike: What are you guys talking about?
Crow: Mike, you should really watch something besides Star Trek.
Listen to his hearts!
(Mike puts his ear to the Doctor's chest, and lets out a gasp of surprise)
Mike (lifting his head): No, it couldn't be!
(The Doctor starts coming to. He looks at them in mild surprise)
Doctor (grogily): Turlogh? K-9? Turlough?
Tom: You must be K-9, Crow.
Crow: Yeah, well at least he didn't mistake me for a hatstand!
Mike: What's a Turlough?
(Doctor pulls himself up to his feet, takes a look around)
Doctor: Where am I? Who...
Tom (floating up, interrupting): If the next words out of you mouth
are "am I?!", I'll shoot you back down the umbilicus!
Doctor: I know who I am, I just want to know who the hell all of you are!
Crow: Tsk, tsk! First he kisses a woman, now he's cussing! What
would your mother say?
Doctor: My mother was a genetic Loom.
Tom: I thought she was human?
Mike: Let's not start that again. I'm Mike Nelson, this is Tom Servo,
and the gold one is Crow.
Tom: Hey, where's Gypsy?
(Gypsy enters)
Gypsy: Hey guys, what's the ruckus? (sees the Doctor)
Oh, my... (faints)
Doctor: What was that about?
Crow: I think she has a crush on you. Her room is covered in
posters of you.
Doctor: Where could she have found posters of me?
Tom: From your show, where else?
Doctor (confused): I have a show?
(light starts flashing)
Mike: We'll explain in a second. Davros and the Rani are calling.
Doctor: Really?
Crow: And this is the guy who saves the universe before tea time
every day?
(Deep 13- Dr. F is trying to jimmy open the TARDIS doors with a coat
hanger, while Pearl looks on with an exasperated look)
Pearl: Clayton, why didn't you just steal the key from him?
Dr. F: Because, Mother, whenever I rifled through his pockets I only
found apple cores and... (notices monitor) Oh, right. Well, I
suppose I'll have to keep you four busy while I carry out my plan.
(SOL)
Doctor: You can't go gallivanting through time and space! Do you
have any idea of what kind of damage you could do?
(Deep 13- Dr. F comes closer to the screen)
Dr. F: I don't care! I'm *evil*! Now, since this will be your last
experiment before I reshape time and space in my image, and as
you have an out-of-work celebrity on board, I'll send you a little
piece of insanity from one Karen McCoy, "An Open Letter to the
Fans". Enjoy! (runs back to the TARDIS and starts ramming the door
with his shoulder)
(light's begin flashing)
Doctor: What do I do?
Mike: Go into the theater! I'll figure something out!
Servo and Crow: WE GOT RANT SIGN!!!
(Mike pushes button and shoves Doctor in direction of theater)
(6...5...4...3...2...*)
(Doctor walks in, carrying Servo, while Crow explains what they do
and how Gypsy has posters of the Doctor)
Doctor: So my series was canceled? And then Fox did a movie?
Crow: Pretty much. But I wouldn't recommend talking to your fans.
Tom: You'll see why in a second.
>An Open Letter To The Fans
Crow: Also open to flames.
> - By Karen McCoy
Tom: No relation to Bones or Sylvester.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: What does that mean?
Tom: You know, for an all knowing Time Lord, you really don't know
much about the internet.
Doctor: Well, I have better things to do than argue if there can be
black Vulcans.
>Dear Fans,
Crow: I am not insane! I just need my medication!
>We have a web terrorist in our midst.
Tom: So *that's* what really happened to AOL that one day!
> Now, the reason I can't say this
>terrorist's name is because
Doctor: I base all my rants on a flimsy ideal of reality.
> the web terrorist has just issued a threat
>against the proprietor of Visions '97
Crow: If you let her into the convention, I'll sic a Drashig on you!
> that will get him in trouble if I
>mention web terrorist by name. But we all know who it is, don't we?
Doctor: The Master!
Tom: Davros!
Crow: Mary Whitehouse!
(Doctor let's out a violent scream)
>Web terrorist, whom I shall refer to in this document as "web terrorist",
Crow: So she shall refer to the person as Web Terrorist?
Tom: No, "web terrorist".
Doctor: A "web terrorist" must be a Zarbi on a bad day.
> sent a communiqué
Tom (snotty British voice): Just got this communiqué from McCoy, sir.
Crow (similar voice): Tell her to bugger off!
>to Bob McLaughlin, the proprietor of Visions '97 on 19 November 1997,
> warning him that web terrorist has
>placed a court injunction
Doctor: I doubt an injunction from Judge Judy counts.
> against him "preventing Karen McCoy from
>speaking at Visions '97" and threatening him with arrest "if Karen McCoy
>mentions my name."
Crow: Or that I'm a member of the Paul McGann Estrogen Brigade.
> So now Bob is scared to death.
Tom: Because I have his number and I know where he lives.
> His convention
>has been threatened. The fans and their enjoyment have been threatened.
Tom: The chance to see me show my storyboards that make Hanna Barbara
look like Mulan has been threatened.
> The
>way for fans to hear the facts about their favorite show has been
>threatened. And not by Karen McCoy, that sinister, evil, harassing
>stalker you've all heard about. No way.
Crow (Bob Dole): Karen McCoy is not a stalker.
>This threat was issued by web terrorist.
Tom: Not the Web, not the WB, but web terrorist.
>You can't place an injunction against somebody's appearance or prevent
>them from saying anything.
Doctor: Unless they're cukoo.
> The First Amendment of the Constitution of
>the United States was designed to protect us from that kind of thing,
>and there it stands, protecting our freedoms -- particularly the one
>about freedom of speech . So here we have a lone web terrorist
Tom: The Lone Web Terrorist! (starts doing the William Tell overture)
Crow: One good thing about all of this is that it's stopped the arguments
over whether the CD-ROM game is canon.
> who wants
>to
Crow: Rub her ass in a giant pile of pudding! Whoo-hoo!
> suppress something. Web terrorist has written letters to
>ain't-it-cool news
Tom: Thus detracting from the usual reports on how much Superman
Lives is going to suck.
> and to lots of other people and spent a lot of time
>"dissing" Karen McCoy,
Doctor (bad homey voice): Don' be dissin' my homegirl, dog!
Tom: I hope the TARDIS never takes you to South Central. You'll
be dead quicker than you were in San Francisco!
> and seems hell-bent on making enough noise to
>cover up something.
Crow: Instead of the usual weather balloon explanation.
Doctor: Actually, it was two Sontarans who tried God's yellow dip.
> To do this, web terrorist wants to paint Karen McCoy
>as some kind of psycho.
Crow (snobby artist voice): Hmmmm, which goes better with a psycho?
Bloody red, or pink polka-dots?.
>Well, you know? I am a psycho. I am a stalker, I am a sociopath,
Tom (singing): I'm a cheating liar, I am naked terror, I hurt, I wound,
I'm a fatal error!
> I am
>the BIGGEST LIAR WHO HAS EVER WALKED THE EARTH
Doctor: Agh! I'm blind!
Crow: You'll get used to it.
> , and despite obviously
>knowing enough people in L.A. to get into studios web terrorist will
>never walk through the gates of,
Crow: Come on! There's always the Universal Studio's tour!
> I, Karen McCoy,
Doctor: Do solemnly swear that I am in control of all my faculties.
> am fatally obsessed
>with one lone person and am out to destroy this person's life, have
>taken time out to telephone JUST THEM, harass JUST THEM,
Crow: Depants JUST THEM.
Tom: Snicker-snag JUST THEM.
Doctor: Embarrass at work JUST THEM.
> and stalk and
>defame JUST THEM. I am just SOOOOO OBSESSED with this person.
Doctor: You said it, not us.
>I'm in love with them and they have something I obviously want,
Tom: Missing scenes to The Daemons showing the Master kissing the
Brigadeir full on the lips.
> since I have
>spent so much time trying to reach them, trying to phone them, and
>trying to get them fired.
Crow: And only succeeding in making Francis Farmer look like the
poster child for sanity compared to you.
> Poor, poor web terrorist. Karen McCoy is Satan
>Himself, isn't she?
Doctor: So now you're confused about your gender?
> Why won't she just leave this poor fan alone?
Doctor: Why won't you leave us all alone!!!
Crow (whispering to Servo): Think he's cracking?
Tom (whispering back): He can handle Daleks, I'm sure he'll survive
a ranting maniac.
Crow (still whispering): Two ram chips say he can't.
Tom (whispering again): You're on!
>Meanwhile, back in reality,
Doctor: Obviously something you'll never know about.
> however, neither I nor any of my team care
>enough about this person to have planned to mention them at the
>convention anyway.
Crow: We prefer instead to focus on my script, "The Terrorizing Beast
of Wakka-ja-Wakka Square".
> More than anything else, Karen McCoy is the woman who
>resigned from Area 9
(all break out in uncontrollable laughter)
Doctor: Does this mean I can say I *resigned* from the Time Lords?
> because they gave personal information about her to
>web terrorist,
Crow: I bet she had a hard time explaining where those nude JPEG's of
Matt Damon came from.
> who was pretending to be a media journalist,
Tom: It all fell apart when she said her name was Trish Tilby.
> and Karen is
>a person who really just wishes web terrorist would get obsessed with
>somebody else
Crow: Hey, I bet Vanilla Ice would appreciate the attention!
(Doctor starts hyperventilating)
> and simply leave her alone.
Doctor: LEAVE *US* ALONE! (screams and runs out of theater)
Crow: That's two ramchips. Fork 'em over.
Tom: I would if my arms worked! Let's go check on the Time Baby.
(*...2...3...4...5...6...)