MiST on the Ghost Planet: "...Y2K & Food Storage..."
Jen White6
MiSTed by Jen White
[Setting: Moltar's control room. Moltar is watching a television program
which seems to be composed completely of car chases and wrecks. He is as
into the action as any sports fan. Space Ghost invisos in.]
Moltar: [mumbling as he watches] C'mon, c'mon - POW! *BLAM!* Ha ha ha,
I love those Pintos...
Ghost: MOLTAR! We've got a crisis on our hands!
Moltar: [startled] WHOA! Do NOT sneak up on me like that!
Ghost: You think I'M scary? Just wait'll you see what's sneaking up on
ALL of us!
Moltar: What?
Ghost: [dramatic, echoing voice] THE YEAR 2000!
[We hear a dramatic musical sting. Then a silent pause.]
Moltar: [unimpressed] So?
Ghost: Don't you get it, man? The Year 2000! Everything's going to go
kablooey on us!
Moltar: Kablooey, huh? [The sound of a car crash comes from Moltar's
monitor]
Ghost: Not THAT kind of kablooey. Everything's going to go crazy!
Computers will break down! Elevators won't work! My date/time watch will
be incorrect!
Zorak: [walking in behind Space Ghost] Cats and dogs living together,
total chaos.
Ghost: Cats and - ZORAK! You're not taking this seriously!
Zorak: Oh, I AM! You didn't know Year 2000 is going to affect house
pets? Where have YOU been?
Ghost: [panicky] House pets TOO? This is more insidious than I
thought!
Moltar: Ok, look, I've been hearing about this Year 2000 thing for a
couple of years now. What do you expect *me* to do about it?
Ghost: [calming himself] I'm glad you asked that, Moltar. As a pro-
active, actionary superhero of the '90s, I am empowering *you* with that
issue.
Moltar: Now wait a minute! You are NOT dumping this on me at the last
minute!
Ghost: It's not the last minute, it's the last year.
Moltar: Same thing.
Ghost: Are you ready to starve, come 2000?
Moltar: Is that a threat?
Ghost: [overdramatically] It's not a threat, it's a prophecy. We'll
ALL starve if we're not prepared!
Zorak: But Space Ghost'll outlive us all, especially if he hibernates.
Unless... [smacks his mandibles as he looks at Space Ghost out of the
corner of his eyes] Anyone for long pig?
Ghost: Nothing escapes the clutching tentacles of the Year 2000 Bug, not
even food!
Zorak: Bugs don't have tentacles. We got pincers.
Moltar: [sighs] Might've known it'd take a food shortage to get you so
wound up. So, you expect *me* to do everything, huh?
Ghost: Of course not.
Moltar: That's a relief.
Ghost: You'll lead a committee, composed of Brak and Zorak. May I
introduce your teammate, Zorak.
Zorak: Hiya.
Moltar: We've met.
Ghost: And Brak - where'd he go, he was just behind me-
Zorak: Ya lost him when you inviso'd over, Casper.
Ghost: [calling down the hall] BRAK!
[we hear footsteps fade in. Brak runs into frame, and pants to catch his
breath.]
Brak: Here I am, Space Ghost! [throws a Boy Scout salute]
Ghost: Using the latest technologies available from various free
download sites on the Universe Wide Web, you will do what no ex-villains
have done before. You will save the Ghost Planet from famine!
[Another dramatic musical sting. Then another long pause.]
Ghost: [quickly] Well, I'll leave you to it, then. [turns and walks
out]
Moltar: Oh, man. This bites.
Brak: It's a deadly threat to our very health and well-being!
Moltar: It is not.
Brak: It is so! Space Ghost said it was!
Zorak: If Space Ghost said to turn your shorts inside out when they're
dirty so you only had to wash 'em half as often, would you do it?
Brak: [smugly] I'm way aheadaya on that one.
[Moltar groans, disgusted.]
Zorak: [to Moltar] Just take a look at what's got his Spandex in a wad.
He sent you a copy before he dragged us over.
[Zorak pulls the lever on Moltar's control panel. Text appears on the
screen. All three read as it scrolls upward.]
> Subj: ...Y2K & Food Storage...
Moltar: Sure sounds casual for a scare letter, doesn't it.
> Date: 99-01-02 19:30:21 EST
> From: cus...@fuzhou.com
Zorak: Fuz you too, jerkwad!
> To: jen...@aol.com
>
Moltar: Jen 686s weren't 2000 compliant. Mine thought 1990 was 1980. It
just kept going through the same decade over and over.
Brak: Kinda like Dick Clark.
> Y2K & FOOD STORAGE
Brak: Whoa! Ya don't gotta yell, we're right here!
>
>
>
Moltar: Well?
> Hello, my name is Matthew Alder.
Brak: Hi, Matthew! My name is Brak!
> I know you get a lot of these e-mail
> messages so,
> thanks for taking the time to take a look and let me get right to the
> point. I must admit,
> food storage is not an
> everyday topic of conversation
Zorak: *I* never have any leftovers.
Brak: [to Zorak] You save bones.
Zorak: Oh, yeah. There's that.
> and there are times when most of us wonder
> if preparing for the
> potentially devastating effects of Y2K through storing food is worth our
> time and energy.
Moltar: It keeps me up at nights tossing and turning, lemme tell you.
Linda's been complaining.
>
>
>
>
Zorak: [Matthew Alder] Hold on, lemme find my note cards.
> WHAT'S THE RUSH?
Moltar: You better hurry, if you want to keep *my* attention.
>
>
>
Brak: [Matthew Alder] Wait for it...
> Initially, it was hard for me to imagine ever needing food storage
Zorak: [Matthew Alder] Because I'd come to love the taste of hairy
cheese.
> because every time I
> went to the grocery store, there was food on the shelves and every time I
> opened my
> fridge, there was food inside
Moltar: [Matthew Alder] I never could figure out the connection, but I
knew there just had to be one.
> (most of which was edible).
Zorak: Which meant that he hadn't bought the "Cooking with Brak" recipe
book.
Brak: Hey!
>
>
>
Brak: Alla sudden I'm hungry for carrots, and I don't know why.
> I guess that's kind of like saying, "I can't imagine ever needing life
> insurance
> because every day when I wake up, I'm still above ground."
Zorak: Like *we* need life insurance?
Moltar: Guess who took out a policy on you, Mr. Crispy?
> The sad and
> scary
> thing about any kind of insurance,
Brak: Is that it's all in little tiny print with a lotta
"aforementioneds" and "hereinunders" and stuff. Who can read that?!
> including food insurance, is that the
> second you
> need it -- it's too late
> to get it!
Moltar: Unless you post-date the death certificate.
Zorak: Kinda hard to do that if you're dead. Unless you're taking it
out on someone else...
Moltar: Riiight.
> If the demand for
> food storage products continues to increase, it may be too late to take
> action many
> months before the year 2000.
Brak: Ohmigosh! This could be bigger then the Tupperware Crisis of
1968 or the Ziploc Panic of 1985!!
>
>
>
Moltar: Tear along the perforation.
> IS THERE REALLY A NEED?
Brak: I got a need right now, but the potty's busted.
Zorak: That never bothers me.
Moltar: Stop that right now. I don't want to hear about it.
>
>
>
Brak: [singing] This is the sound of silence...
> You know, there really are
> a lot of reasons why having an emergency supply of food on hand makes a
> lot of
> sense, especially if you
Zorak: Get up late at night with a craving for a crappy freeze-dried
Salisbury steak.
> consider the many Y2K issues.
Brak: I can't. My subscription ran out.
> Food does not grow on the grocery store
> shelves.
Moltar: [sarcastically] No kidding? I did not know that.
> If the banking
> system goes down, will any stores be able to stock their shelves
Brak: All the *stockboys'll* crash on the first day of 2000?
Zorak: Whaddaya expect for minimum wage, high tech stockboys?
> or will
> there be any
> funds available to purchase food of any kind?
Zorak: Sure there will. It's called bullets.
>
>
>
Brak: What an engagement ring! It's gotta be at least three carats.
> If power grids and transportation are effected, how will food products be
> processed and shipped to where they are needed?
Brak: I dunno. I thought you were gonna tell us.
> There are countless
> other
> related issues revolving around the effects of Y2K that can create a need
> for your
> family to be prepared through storing food.
Moltar: [Matthew Alder] Such as my buying truckloads of old astronaut
food that I gotta get rid of before I go broke paying for storage.
>
>
>
Moltar: Spaces... the final frontier...
> In addition, there are many other things that might effect your family,
> such as:
> Economic Crisis, Corporate Downsizing, Natural Disasters, Droughts,
> Floods,
> Crop Failures, Unemployment, Family Emergencies, Sickness, Unexpected
> Death,
> Agricultural Disease, Inflation -- just to name a few.
Zorak: Hey! You left out alien invasion!
Moltar: And volcanic activity.
Brak: And cola wars!
>
>
>
Brak: [singing] One little, two little, three little pointy things-
> THE BIG QUESTION
Brak: [falsetto] Oh my - this is all so sudden!
>
>
>
Zorak: No it isn't, not with all these pauses.
> To put all this in proper perspective, can I ask you a personal question?
>
All: NO.
> "If it came right down
> to it, is there anything you wouldn't sell, trade or give up for food if
> it meant the survival
> of your family?"
Moltar: Hmmm...
Brak: I don't have a family. 'Cept my Mom and my brother Sisto, but
they're on another planet. You guys and Space Ghost are like my family
now. And I guess that's the most important thing there is. [sniffles]
Sorry... You guys just mean so much to me. I'd give up anything of mine
for you.
Moltar: Uh... how about giving up crying.
Brak: [sniffles] Okay.
> Sincerely,
> what is your family's security and peace of mind worth?
Zorak: Considering that mine all devoured each other, what do you think,
bud?
>
>
>
Moltar: Wish this guy could read his cue cards faster.
> I guess when all
> is said and done,
Brak: The party's over.
> food for our families is right up there at the top of
> the list.
Zorak: That's why you should camp out in a wildlife reserve! All the
food you can eat there, free for anyone with a gun or a knife! BWA-HA-HA-
HA-HA!
> When the
> year 2000 arrives, you can't say to your family, "We're just going to
> have to go
> without food until things get back to normal."
Brak: Yes you could, if you were joking. Ah ha ha ha ha!
>
>
>
Moltar: [Matthew Alder] That wasn't supposed to be funny.
> AN EASY SOLUTION
Zorak: Cannibalism! There's over five billion of ya! That's enough to
feed me for the rest of my life!
>
>
>
Brak: Or you could eat at one of the line feeds in this letter.
> If food storage for your family is a concern of yours, may I offer some
> assistance?
All: NO.
> I
> represent the largest and oldest dehydrated food storage company in the
> United States.
Brak: Ewwww. Sounds like they got big ol' packs of powdered elephants
from last century.
> PERMA-PAK
> EMERGENCY FOOD STORAGE has been helping families with their food storage
> needs since 1953
Moltar: [Matthew Alder] And capitalizing on every war scare since then,
luring unsuspecting fools into thinking that they'll only survive if they
send us all their dough! And since people in the US aren't that scared of
nuke attacks any more, we're cashing in on whatever we can.
> and can supply your family with a complete, nutritionally balanced food
> storage program
> for as little as $1.55 per meal, per person.
Brak: Big deal. I can get a king-sized can of Beanie Weenie for less'n
that.
>
>
>
Brak: Um....
> Even though the demand for our food storage products has increased by
> over
> 20 times, Perma-Pak can still ship your order within 3 to 4 weeks.
Zorak: 'Cause 20 times zero is still zero.
>
>
>
Moltar: Uh...
> SECURITY AND PEACE OF MIND
Zorak: Have nothing to do with this letter!
>
>
>
Brak: I can't think of any more pause jokes.
Moltar: Me neither.
> If you would like additional information on how to easily acquire the
> food storage
> you need for your family's security and peace of mind, simply CLICK
> HERE
> to link to our web
> site.
[Brak pokes a finger at the screen. Nothing happens.]
Brak: Aw, it's busted.
>
>
>
Zorak: [sighs] Who posted this, Godot?
Moltar: Heh heh. Good one.
> Thanks again for your time and I hope we can assist you with your food
> storage
> needs.
Moltar: Go *away*.
Zorak: Bite me.
Brak: I already got some Baggies.
>
>
>
> PERMA-PAK
>
> Emergency Food
> Storage
>
>
>
Brak: Perma Pak, The product for pervasive pregnant pauses!
> "We've stood
> behind our products for more than 45 years
Moltar: Which shows how fast their inventory moves.
>
> and given the best service in the industry!"
Moltar: [Matthew Alder] Because we haven't quit our day jobs as waiters!
Hey, we have to pay our bills too.
>
>
>
>
Brak: Are we done yet?
> ----------------------- Headers --------------------------------
Zorak: Almost.
> Return-Path: <cus...@fuzhou.com>
Zorak: You don't wanna try cuzzin' me out, loser. You're up against the
champion!
> Received: from rly-yc04.mx.aol.com (rly-yc04.mail.aol.com
> [172.18.149.36]) by air-yc05.mail.aol.com (v55.5) with SMTP; Sat, 02 Jan
> 1999 19:30:20 -0500
Moltar: Hmm, January 1999 is down 500 points. Better call my
stockbroker. [He walks out of frame. We hear him dialing a phone.]
> Received: from duza.readers.com
Brak: I give up. Duza reader com?
> (cruznet0020.cruznet.net
> [204.140.239.20])
Moltar: [offscreen] Hike!
> by rly-yc04.mx.aol.com (8.8.8/8.8.5/AOL-4.0.0)
Brak: AOL 4.0.0? I just installed AOL 4.0!
Zorak: Don't bother with it. It's just a bug fix.
> with SMTP id TAA20792;
> Sat, 2 Jan 1999 19:28:08 -0500 (EST)
Moltar: [offscreen, muttering] Another 500? C'mon, c'mon, pick up.
> From: <cus...@fuzhou.com>
> To: <jen...@aol.com>
> Date: Sat, 02 Jan 1999 16:01:29 -0800
Moltar: Hello, Lenny. Moltar here. Sell my stock in January NOW, before
it goes any lower!
> Message-ID: <00057105...@duza.readers.com>
> Subject: ...Y2K & Food Storage...
Brak: Y'ever get this creepy deja vu feeling?
> Mime-Version: 1.0
Brak: Version 2.0 actually talks!
Zorak: But STILL nobody bought the upgrade.
> Content-Type: text/html
Zorak: Go to HTML, loser.
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
Zorak: [unquoted-unprintable]
[The text scrolls off the screen.]
Moltar: Huh. So *that's* what set Space Ghost off?
Zorak: Well, it wasn't Chicken Little.
Moltar: Sheesh. Does he even KNOW what the Year 2000 bug is? It's just
shortsighted programming that'll foul up two digit dates when they go from
99 to double zeroes. Things'll think it's 1900 instead of 2000. Yeah,
it's gonna screw some things up, but it's not gonna be the end of the
world!
Zorak: Too bad.
Moltar: The guys who've been remediating old programs are making bags of
money.
Zorak: Hey! Count me in on that!
Brak: Me too! What's remediating?
Moltar: That's when you fix something and charge an arm and a leg.
Zorak: I'll take the leg.
[Space Ghost's image appears on Moltar's monitor]
Ghost: Moltar! Status report!
Moltar: ARRGH! Do you ALWAYS have to do that!
Ghost: Never mind that! Have you fixed the problem?
Moltar: LOOK, we only just... [He pauses, and looks at Zorak and Brak.
Then he looks back at the monitor.] Not yet, but we've got a plan.
Brak: We do?
Ghost: Excellent! Expound!
Moltar: You see... the problem is that the *food* around here isn't Year
2000 compliant. It'll all go bad next January 1.
Brak: Oh no!
[Zorak snickers]
Ghost: Great galaxies! Is there anything that can be done?
Zorak: [stepping up to monitor] Yep. We've got to remediate all the
food on the Ghost Planet before 2000. It's a big job, but Brak and I are
up to it. Aren't we, Brakums?
Brak: You betcha!
Moltar: It's a big job, and it'll take a LOT of our work time. For all
three of us.
Zorak: And a BIG budget.
Moltar: Yeah. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Ghost: What kind of budget?
Zorak: Look, ya wanna starve in 2000?
Ghost: All right, I'll pull a few strings. Good job, you three! Begin
immediately! Space Ghost out!
[Space Ghost disappears from Moltar's monitor. Moltar and Zorak begin
laughing.]
Zorak: I didn't know what a dirty liar you are, Moltar! You're my kind
of guy!
Moltar: [still laughing] Hey, I wasn't going to try to explain him that
The Ghost Planet runs on galactic time, not Earth time. We won't have a
bug like that until the Year Ten Billion.
Brak: And it's the century of the fruitbat now!
Zorak: C'mon, whaddaya say we go to work? I think I'll remediate me a
few raw chickens. Brak, I saw some chili you can remediate.
Brak: Boy oh boy!
Moltar: Send me up a pizza to remediate.
Zorak: Will do. We'll be on the job all day. Whaddaya figure we
oughtta charge per hour?
Moltar: Leave that to me. [He pulls the lever on his control panel,
which makes a "ka-ching" cash register sound.]
Zorak: We're gonna get paid to party like it's 1999. God, I love this
job!
/ |
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| ______________________ |\
| |J#~#-####*###-##*###+#| | |
| |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~##*#| | |
| |##+###+##~##+###+#*###| | |
| |##-#.##+##.-###-####-#| | |
| |#-###-###+#W######-## | | |
| |##~#*###-*###*#+#.####| | |
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| |##-#*###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | |
| |##+##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | |
| |#~##*#####-###~*####*6| | |
| ________________________ |/
This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the author, JenW...@aol.com. Space
Ghost, Moltar, Zorak, and Brak are copyright (c) Hanna-Barbera. Linda,
Moltar's lovely wife, is copyright (c) The Cartoon Network. This MiSTing
was done in the name of fun, and no malice is intended to anyone, even
"Matthew Alder," though I do wish he'd learn a bit of netiquette and give
up the scare tactics.
Thanks to miyamot...@hotmail.com, fitc...@netaccess.co.nz, and
lyn...@hotmail.com for proofing this before it went out!
> When the
> year 2000 arrives, you can't say to your family, "We're just going to
> have to go
> without food until things get back to normal."
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.