MSTing "Name of the Game" with the short "Teamwork" - Pt 2 of 8
Brendan Herlihy
OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl, Gypsy and Magic Voice continue riffing "Teamwork".
> " I feel soooooo wonderful...."
MAGIC VOICE: Ugh, I don't like Frosted Flakes' new slogan!
> Laura could hardly
> be- lieve that she was at first reluctant to do this.
PEARL: Embrace the madness, Laura.
> They now began growing hundreds of feet a second.....
GYPSY: And... there's nothing to add to that, really.
> " My body is throbbing with power,
MAGIC VOICE (Laura): That is, I assume it's power. I hope it's not an
aneurysm.
PEARL: Eh, they're just going to take jobs away from better qualified male
giants.
> I feel like I could lift the entire
> earth!"
GYPSY: What would you stand on?
> Joyce said as
> she began flexing her unreal muscles.
PEARL (sighing): Criminy. This guy uses more adjectives than Robin Leach.
> They soon reached over 1000
> feet tall, and they still continued growing.
MAGIC VOICE (impatiently): The oxygen thins out, they asphyxiate, collapsing
on Tim
Ryan, squashing him flat. The End!
> Laura looked down on the
> ever-shrinking world around her,
GYPSY: Lookin' down on creation?
PEARL: Well, it's the only explanation I can find.
> awed by her goddess-like body.
MAGIC VOICE: Huh. So she has eight arms and a serpent's torso now?
> She
> realized that she was able to see the giant chimp, in fact, she was
> looking down on it.
GYPSY: She came to realize that when she looked at stuff, she saw
things.
MAGIC VOICE: Yup, it's gonna be a pleasure heeding the holy words of
THESE gods.
PEARL (as Ahab): Argh, there be the great white chimp, laddies!
> " Hey Joyce, we're already 3 times the size of
> that little monkey!"
MAGIC VOICE (Laura): I think I'll write a psalm about it! "Hallowed be my
name, my kingdom come, I'm so much staggeringly bigger than that stupid
monkey, tra-la!"
> " That little monkey is over 200 feet tall!
MAGIC VOICE: What, he shrunk in half since the story started?
GYPSY: At this rate he'll disappear before those two finish bragging!
> Still, he looks puny to me, let's stomp him flat."
PEARL: Oh, they're Old Testament goddesses.
GYPSY: He really didn't scale this very well. Stomping that chimp's
gonna be like stomping a basset hound.
> The two
> giantesses looked around them, everything seemed so tiny.
MAGIC VOICE: If Jonathan Swift had been dumb as a post!
> Their
> impossibly huge, naked bodies must have been ov- erwhelming to the
> miniscule inhabitants of the city below them.
PEARL (Edgar from "Bullwinkle"): Now there's something you don't see
everyday, Chauncey.
MAGIC VOICE (Chauncey): What's that, Edgar?
PEARL (Edgar): Vishnu appearing in the form of a Playboy centerfold.
> Knowing that the people
> would be in a state of panic as a result of their sudden appearance,
GYPSY: Wouldn't it be fairer to say that the state of panic was the
result of the ape's massive killing spree, and that their sudden
appearance merely exacerbated it?
MAGIC VOICE: Gyps? As a friend? Stop overthinking. I'm begging you.
GYPSY (slightly dejected): Oh. OK.
> Joyce decided to put them at ease,"LISTEN TO ME......"
PEARL (laughing): Oh, good, giants bellowing orders! That calms ME right
down.
> Her voice was
> deafening, shattering windows throughout the city.
MAGIC VOICE: Bill Gates is furious! And yet, strangely attracted to
these plucky giants.
> She would have to
> whisper, she thought to herself.
GYPSY: She could do charades.
Pearl begins to do unidentifiable charade motions as Magic Voice guesses.
MAGIC VOICE: First word. First word, ven... gent, vengeance? Is mine...
swayeth... no, sayeth! Sayeth the lord! Yes!
> "We're here to help, we're not
> going to destroy anything but that monster out there"
PEARL (Joyce): Except for those windows. And the house we grew out of. And
it
seems I'm standing on a day care center.
> she said as low
> as possible
MAGIC VOICE: Barry White!
PEARL (as Barry White): Oh, baby. I loooove, killin' chimps.
>, be- ing careful not to do anymore damage.
> "That's right", Laura added, "let the big girls handle this from
> here on in!"
PEARL (crowd): Oh, OK, great! So you're just filling in 'til they arrive,
then?
GYPSY: Why Laura?
> Boy, to think that she was worried about becoming a mon- ster a few
> minutes ago, she sure was begining to enjoying this.
MAGIC VOICE: "Roseanne: Portrait of An Ego" will return after these
messages.
PEARL: Their skeletons, too weak to support their mass, collapse, their
heads fall seventy stories and burst on impact with the ground, they
die an agonizing death. The End.
> "Hey Joyce, I'd love to see this monkey try to lift us up and
> carry us up the Empire State Building. He'd probably have a hernia!"
MAGIC VOICE (weakly): Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
PEARL (as chimp): Yeah, look lady, I'm just looking for that bastard in
the yellow hat.
> ***************************************************
> Dr. Ryan looked
> up in awe.....
ALL: Awwwwwww!
>his wife's foot was over 300 feet long, the size of an
> entire football field.
GYPSY: WHAT IS WITH THE SCALE HERE?!
MAGIC VOICE: What, she mutated into Bozo the Clown all of a sudden?
> One false step by her and he would be squished
> flat! He could'nt get over how huge she had become.
PEARL: You know, if she had joined the Bears, they might have gone 8-8 this
season.
> He felt a weird
> sense of pride in his colossal achievement. Boy was she beautiful.
MAGIC VOICE (Tim): Say, we could sneak into a swank hotel and my wife
would never... oh wait.
> Perhaps now, she could destroy the abomination that he had mistakenly
> created.
PEARL: Yeah, Laura!
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, do it! Kill Laura! Whoo!
GYPSY: I can't get into killing her. I don't know why she's here!
MAGIC VOICE: So you're asking, "Why Laura?", then.
GYPSY: Yeah!
> This formula was much too powerful to not be destroyed.
MAGIC VOICE: Well I think it's much too NOT powerful to not NOT be
destroyed!
> If it
> ever fell into the wrong hands.... the results would be
> catastrophic!
PEARL: Yeah, thank god his wife drank it before THAT happened!
> Suddenly a huge shadow blocked out the sun from his view, his
> gigantic wife was bending over to pick him up!
MAGIC VOICE: Everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is
eclipsed by- Joyce!
GYPSY: Wouldn't he just look like one little ant among many? How would
she recognize him?
PEARL: Maybe he's standing in front of a big billboard for Dumbass
Scientist cigarettes.
> She extended her tremendous
> hand for him to step into.
MAGIC VOICE (Tim): Uh... hi honey! Um, you're not still mad about
that "need to lose weight" crack, are ya?
PEARL (Joyce): Hey, Tim, get this... (sings) HAAAAAND across
America! Ha! That's a little joke, Tim. Only thing little about me!
Hey-o!
> They were so large, he had to climb up her
> finger to get inside her palm.
GYPSY: Oo, if she has a hangnail, it'd be the size of a driveway!
>"Timothy, I have a confession", she was
>giggling slight- ly,
MAGIC VOICE (Joyce): I ate all the Frusen Gladje. No, not from the fridge-
I
actually ate ALL the Frusen Gladje.
>"I drank some of your formula....", her voice was
> deafen- ing at this close a range. She was incredibly turned on,
GYPSY: -tuned in, and dropped out.
> being
> able to lift up her husband in her hand as if he were some kind of
> doll.
PEARL: Ken's ineffectual brother, Eugene.
> "This is the most amazing thing that I've ever expierien- ced in
> my life!"
MAGIC VOICE (Joyce): Way better than IMAX!
> He looked up at his titanic wife,
GYPSY: Kate Winslet!
PEARL: So, the author basically has a thesaurus open to the word "big".
MAGIC VOICE: Well, at least he's not going alphabetically.
> "It is for me also....
GYPSY: -but why Laura?
> I
> can't believe how incredibly sexy you are! You're my own goddess
> come to life.
PEARL: Oh, he's one of them pagan doctors.
MAGIC VOICE: The AMA frowns on this- but at least he's not a
chiropractor.
> I have a confession myself, I developed this formula with the
> hope that you would want to take it.
PEARL: Of course, it was conceptualized as a bitch remover.
GYPSY: I better lower the oxygen level a bit.
PEARL: Kidding! I kid! I'm a kidder.
> I just never knew that it would
> work so well!"
GYPSY: "Well" being an incredibly flexible term, apparently.
MAGIC VOICE: I love you just the way- you will be when I've changed
you.
> Looking down lovingly at her husband,
PEARL (sings): Love... soft as a 600-ft tall easy chair...
> "Well
> sweatheart, its' time to go to work.
GYPSY: Batman!
PEARL: No, she's temping as a sadist.
> Unless you want that overgrown
> chimp to cause anymore damage?"
MAGIC VOICE (Tim): Well, if you could hold off 'til he levels Trump
Castle Hotel and Casino...
> "No, I think I'll enjoy seeing you
> rip him to shreds, or just squash him flat."
PEARL: Oh, gross. Now we're making Chimp Francese?
GYPSY (Tim Ryan): And dredge him in flour. And lightly fry him. And finish
him
in a lemon sauce, and serve with a light Riesling!
> She thought about each
>for a moment..."Don't worry, you'll get to see both!"
MAGIC VOICE (Tim): Well, I won't actually see it... I mean, I'll be
staring at your chest no matter what you do.
PEARL: Hey! You said you didn't know about breasts.
(Gypys and Magic Voice snicker.)
> She bent over
> and gently placed him on top of the largest building around her, in
> order for him to get a fanta- stic view.
PEARL (Tim): Uh, honey, this building has a slanted roof. Honey?
HOOONEEEEEEEEY!!!
>With her husband safely out
>of harms' way, she set off for the chimp.
GYPSY: Making base camp at the mongoose, navigating by the light of the
albatross.
MAGIC VOICE: That's... better, I guess.
GYPSY: Thank you!
> She looked over to see that
> Laura already had the chimp in her grasp.
MAGIC VOICE: Teamwork, ladies and gentlemen! Teamwork!
PEARL: No, seriously, why Laura though? I mean, why?
GYPSY: That's what I've been saying.
> She was holding it up by the
> top of its' head while it tried futily to hit her. It was screeching
> horribly, shattering windows for miles.
PEARL: These would be the windows Joyce didn't break originally.
MAGIC VOICE: This town will never escape the iron fist of the glazier
industry.
> The chimp, for all its' great
> size, looked like a little infant compared to Laura and herself.
PEARL: Awwww... wook at da wittle chimpy.
GYPSY: I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him and love him... and
call him George!
MAGIC VOICE: Now see! You're getting the hang of it!
> Walking over to Laura, the ground shaking with every step she took,
>she also grabbed the chimp by the top of its' head,
PEARL: He's got encephalitis!
MAGIC VOICE: Rush Chimpbaugh. (laughs) 'Cuz he's got a swollen head,
you see...
> "Hey Laura, you've
> had your fun.
PEARL (Joyce): -using the Sydney Opera House to scrape your feet.
GYPSY: Ew, blech!
> Let me have a try."
GYPSY (Laura): OK. Ahem! We're representatives of Samsonite luggage. We
do
not appreciate your treatment of our products.
MAGIC VOICE: Oo, Gyps is in the zone, Pearl! Look at her go!
PEARL (resentful): Yeah, whatever.
> "Alright, now that you're done
with itty-bitty Thomas", she laughed out.
PEARL: Oh, he invented that book light.
GYPSY: You know, she didn't really do anything. They've just stood
around boasting about how "unbelievably huge" they are.
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, they're a bad parody on a flat satire of a "Hans and
Franz" sketch.
> "Hey, what's your problem?
> If it was'nt for Thomas' formula,
PEARL (Joyce): -you wouldn't be enjoying those fork-split English muffins!
GYPSY: With nooks and crannies- to hold the melted butter!
> you'd still be getting the shit
> kicked out of you by your loser husband!"
PEARL: Yeah, just wait, Joyce. Next week, Laura'll have a black eye,
and mumble excuses about how she walked into a quarter-mile-high door.
> This insult got Laura's
>huge muscles boiling,
MAGIC VOICE: Rebuilt metaphors! Get'em while they're mixed!
> "Yeah... well at least my husband is not some
> little pencil-neck geek like yours is!"
GYPSY: Oh, ick! Proffering spousal abuse as a virtue!
PEARL: Yeah, they could pluck the limbs off that chimp one-by-one, and
this would still be the low point right here.
> "Listen, we can settle our
> personal dispute after we take care of the chimp, got it?"
PEARL: You know- teamwork!
> Laura, feeling foolish, quickly agreed, "Let's go squash it flat!"
MAGIC VOICE (as chimp, dangling from their grasp): Look, don't talk
about me like I'm not even here, Laura. Grant me that dignity at
least.
> With that Joyce held down the giant chimp, laying it flat on the
> ground.
PEARL (chimp): Wait, there's been a mistake! I'm here to meet Jessica
Lange!
> Laura lifted up her heavily-muscled leg, and held her 300 foot long
> foot in the air momemtarily.
GYPSY: No, we can rehabilitate him! We've got a half-way house! And
midnight basketball!
>"Say goodnight King Kong...and say hello
> to Queen Laura!"
MAGIC VOICE: Oh, this is the worst Far Side cartoon ever!
PEARL (chimp): I was framed! I'll give you Vacco! Call the D.A,
the Pope, the Nigerian ambassador, noooooo!
> She slammed her foot down, a huge squishing noise
> was heard throughout the city.
MAGIC VOICE (Joyce, answering phone): <Brring!> Hello? The governor?
Uh, could you call back, we're kinda busy.
> She felt immensely powerful as she
> squished this gigantic monkey flat with her own bare feet!
PEARL: Yeah, but she still runs screaming if there's a moth in the
bathroom.
>She was the
>most powerful person alive, she thought to herself. Except for Joyce,
>that was.
GYPSY: And Alan Greenspan, probably.
> Flexing her huge thigh muscles as she grinded the remains
> into the ground,
PEARL: Justice, tempered with mercy, less, ness.
GYPSY: You know, if the author never learned the word 'huge', there
wouldn't be story!
>she heard a collective gasp from the tiny people
> beneath her.
MAGIC VOICE: Those aren't gasps, Laura. Go get some sawdust.
> What a show she was putting on for them, she thought.
GYPSY: Ugh! This is like showing "Mondo Cane" on public television.
> But
> did they really
> deserve it?
PEARL: Yes! If they were all telemarketers, coke dealers, John
Birchers, and Howard Stern fans.
> Suddenly, Laura heard joyce calling her,
>breaking heer train of thought.
MAGIC VOICE (laughs): I think a peacock feather could derail that
train, pretty much.
> "Hey Laura, thanks for saving some for
>me.
GYPSY: But you were right there holding the thing down!
> You took care of it with one shot!"
MAGIC VOICE: Oh, what, they wanted to torture it before carrying out
their self-proclaimed execution?
PEARL: Well, maybe they're Texans.
MAGIC VOICE: It would explain a lot, actually.
> "Oh well. but at this size,
> I don't have to answer to anyone!"
GYPSY: And lack of accountability is the essence of teamwork!
MAGIC VOICE: Oh, man, if Ken Starr is standing behind her holding a
subpoena, she's going to feel so embarrassed.
> Joyce should have forseen this.
PEARL: Which was why we've been asking-
ALL (sing): Why-y-y-y-y-y-y Laura-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!!
All clap.
PEARL: Thank you! She's Gyps, that's Madge, I'm Tré Pearl, we've been the
Why Laura Trio! Get home safe folks! Good night!
> All her life, Laura had been abused by first her father, and now her
> husband.
MAGIC VOICE: And soon by Lawrence Phillips.
> She had been made to feel small. Now, besides herself, she
> was the biggest thing the world had ever seen,
GYPSY: Uh, there is this little object called "the sun".
> and she was expierien-
> cing a mad power-lust.
PEARL (Laura, mad): Ha-ha, now I can store stuff on the top shelf- all the
way in the back of the cabinet- and no one can stop me! No one!
Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
> Joyce thought her problems were over when the
> monkey had been killed, but now, she had a revenge- crazed giantess
> on her hands.
MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, you're gonna get that with your genetic mutation.
That's why we recommend the service contract.
> Fortunately, she had a slight size edge, but nonetheless,
>this was going to be a killer.
PEARL: So. Thumb wrestle?
Pearl and Gypsy and Magic Voice leave the theater.
MAGIC VOICE (sings like Peter Gabriel): And my heaven will be a big
heaven! And I will stomp on the big chimp!
ALL: BIG CRAP!
/ * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |...
OPEN ON: Bridge. Gypsy is alone, and confused. Taped to her head are
two monkey arms, two monkey legs, and on top, a monkey head.
GYPSY: Oo. I wonder how Mike, Tom, and that gold guy are doing. Hm.
The sides of the screen start to swim. Pearl suddenly enters, dressed
as a Jolly Green Giantess, and grabs the screen to straighten it out.
PEARL: Hey, hey hey, hey, hey! Hey! Stop segueing out of my skit,
Shop Vac.
GYPSY: Oo, but I was just wondering how Mike, Tom, and that-
PEARL: Well, don't! I only got so much screen time to impress
Katzenberg and Company back on earth. Iggy, you got your Judge Judy
costume on yet?
MAGIC VOICE (slowly, pissed): I DON'T... HAVE... A BODY!
PEARL: Oh, right. Well, pretend, OK?
GYPSY: I wonder how-
PEARL: Hush! OK, The People Court Disaster, take one!
MAGIC VOICE (as Judge Judy): All right, I've read your complaint.
Lemme get this right. You're big?
PEARL: Very big, your honor. Immensely huge. Gargantuan, vast,
tremendous, broad, gigantic, colossal, sizable, large, massive...
During this recitation, Cambot CLOSES IN on Gypsy, who stares ahead.
GYPSY (internally): I wonder how Mike, Tom, and that gold guy are doing.
Hmm...
The screen goes swimmy, to eerie, dreamy music.
CUT TO: <Interspace.>
Pure whiteness, nothing else. Dream music continues. Gradually, from
above,
Mike floats down into the shot. His arms are outstretched, flapping
slightly as
if to slow his descent. He looks fantastically happy.
MIKE (thinking): Wow. This is fantastic! We're leaving Interspace,
floating down to the Living Planet, and perhaps our deaths. Yet I've
never felt so free! I'm at one with the cosmos, peaceful, centered.
Able to control my mind, and my body, with just a thought!
Mike floats down out of the shot. TOM floats down into the shot,
bobbing as he hovers with his skirt rotating.
TOM (thinking): Wow. This is fantastic. I'm at one with the cosmos,
peaceful, centered. Able to control my mind, my body, and my powerful
hover-skirt retro-rocket anti-gravity boosters, with just a thought! (calls
like Geronimo) GERANIUMS!
Tom floats down out of the shot. Hold on the white blank interspace
for a second. Then, fading in, we hear CROW screaming at the top of
his lungs. He plummets head-first through the screen. We hear a
tremendous crash.
FADE TO: <The Living Planet>. The lighting is shadowy. Crow's legs are
sticking straight up out of his compacted body, which crashed into a
coffee-table sized rock. Mike and Tom enter, in the middle of a
conversation.
MIKE: Aw, man that was great. Did you-
TOM: -feel at one with the universe in all its expanding glory? Mais
oui, Miguel! Mais oui! Ha ha! (Mike notices the odd gold structure
encased in the rock while Tom is talking. He taps Tom on the shoulder
and points to Crow.) Huh.
MIKE: I guess he didn't-
TOM: Didn't really grasp the oneness concept, there. Well, ce la vie.
MIKE: Yeah, we'll extrude him later. So we gotta find Brain Guy's
antibody, I guess? Gosh, I don't even know where to start.
TOM: Uh, we could ask somebody.
MIKE: D'oh, right, we're on the Living Planet, who are we gonna-
The ground shakes and we hear the sound of a giant footstep. Mike
pauses, considers the sound for a second.
MIKE: -ask where to find-
Another ground-shaking footstep. Mike pauses again.
MIKE: This is gonna be one of those bad timing things, isn't it.
One final footstep crashes near them. Mike turns to face it.
MIKE: Well, hey! It's a thousand-foot-tall nude lady! How ya doin'?
The giantess speaks in a big, echoey, yet teenage girl voice (courtesy
of the one and only Bridget Jones).
CYNDI: Hi? I'm Cyndi? "Y" before "I"?
MIKE: Hi, we're lookin' for a white-skinned guy in a purple cape,
carries a chaffing dish of sweetbreads?
CYNDI: I'm, like, his antibody? And he's, like, my prisoner?
TOM (muttering): Wow, a real mile-high Einstein, this one.
MIKE: Hush. (to giantess) Can we see him?
CYNDI: Yes? Because if you try to, like, run away with him? I can
always, like, kill you?
TOM (nervously laughing, to Mike): You know- that "oneness" thing,
suddenly seems kinda lacking an escape plan of any kind.
Observer's sound effects, Brain Guy pops into the scene. He seems
stupidly blissful.
OBSERVER: Howdy Mick.
MIKE: Mike.
OBSERVER: Howdy Tim.
TOM: Tom!
OBSERVER (motions to giantess): This is Cindy.
CYNDI: Cyndi!
OBSERVER: We're engaged.
MIKE: What?!
OBSERVER: Well, going steady, technically. (whispers, winks) But I
think we both know where it's leading. (nudges Mike)
TOM: Oh wake up, man! She's so... HUGE!
OBSERVER: Oh, HUGE! That's a good one! (Observer does his thing. A
few pages of manuscript pop into his hand, he shows them to Mike.)
There, my love letter to Cyn. I was looking for just the right word to
finish it off. I've gone back in time and posted it on every Internet
server in the universe!
MIKE (reads): "Teamwork", by Eddie Delaney, Jr.
OBSERVER: My web name! Clever, huh? Cyn's is "BIGGRRL".
CYNDI: You're, like, a creepy dweeb loser?
TOM (reading): You know, as awful as this story is, I feel strangely
calm about it. Almost as if there were no way in hell I'd ever be forced to
sit through it. Weird.
OBSERVER: Oh, Mike, could you tell Pearl I can't watch WWF Raw with her
this week? Cyndi thinks I'm above that sort of thing!
MIKE: OK, here's the thing. Pearl's antibody is actually my antibody,
or rather my evil twin, or maybe my counterpart from a parallel
universe, I don't know, but he's gonna carve her into chunky chicken
salad unless we get you and Bobo back and right the wrongs the lefts
have righted!
OBSERVER (sighs, turns to Cyn): Darling, perhaps Lynyrd B.F. Skinner
said it best. "If I stay here with you, girl/ things just couldn't be
the same/ Kids eat free at the Sizzler/ now I's gots ta go save Pearl."
I hope, one day, you'll understand.
CYNDI: I'm going to, like, kill you now? So, like, stand still
or something?
CUT TO: Overhead shot, as if from Cyndi's foot. Stomp right down on
top of Mike and Tom screaming and hugging each other, Crow's legs
sticking up, and Observer, looking straight up at the oncoming blow.
<End Part II>
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