[MSTing] Labyrnth/Bugaloo Xover Pt 3 of 8
peasporr...@hotmail.com
witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy
in the labrynth>>
by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg
--- Part 3 of 8 ---
[OPEN ON: The theater. Pearl, Scratch, and Gypsy enter the theater.]
GYPSY: So what about robots? Are they alive?
PEARL: Robot? Who'd make a talking machine when the machines are
already talking to you?
SCRATCH: Living Island's not exactly great for "alone time", is it?
> " Open that door!" Witchie-poo shouted.
MADGE (sarcasm): Oh, I guess Missus Poo never heard of a little spell
called "please"!
> "We can't Witchie-poo," Orson replied, "she must have it braced on
>the other side."
GYPSY: Door Bracer!
MADGE (sings): Byyyyyy, MEN-nen!
> "Well get something to batter it down with!" Witchie-poo shouted,
>hitting him on the beak.
SCRATCH (Poo): Go look through my wicca baskets!
PEARL (maliciously twisting his ear): I told you no!
SCRATCH (whimpering): OK! OK! Owie 3!
>"Do I have to think of everything around here?"
PEARL: You know, maybe the door swings open to the inside? Did you
think of that?
>Both Seymour and Orson ran down the corridor. "And hurry up, that door
>leads to the Labyrinth,
MADGE: You can tell by the way it has no lock and serves no useful
purpose.
> if that over stuffed Jareth gets hold of either of them I'll never
>see my flute again!"
GYPSY: So why does Witchie-poo have a door to the Labyrinth?
SCRATCH: I think it's like a time share? In August they swap it for a
door to Vale?
>
> Jenifer had woken out of a sound sleep to find her bed crowded with
> small shadowy forms.
PEARL: Hey! You cat lovers out there? Sunday morning, 5:00 A.M.?
Sound familiar?
> Panicked her first impulse had been to get out of the bed.
>She had launched herself upward only to be caught by the sheets.
[All snicker.]
>Bundled
>up in them and with a rolled up TV guide stuffed into her mouth,
MADGE: Man, I know irony gets rammed down your throat, but I've never
seen it done so literally!
> Jenifer had been carried along for what seemed like hours. Now,
after
>a long and uncomfortable trip Jenifer was rolled out of her bedsheets
>and dumped on the ground.
GYPSY: I'm sorry, I blinked. Did I miss the kidnapping?
SCRATCH: Yup! And a whole Ratliff battle sequence, too! It was cool!
GYPSY (downcast): Oo.
> She spat the tv guide out of her mouth and lay there for a moment, a
> bit dizzy.
PEARL: Oh, back to normal, then!
> There seemed to be no ground beneath her, at least no ground she
> could feel.
MADGE: But they just *dumped* her on the ground!
GYPSY: Oo, I never liked the ground anyway. Always getting underfoot.
> "You hardly look fitting for a maid." A smoothly insolent voice
>remarked.
PEARL: Thanks, you hardly look fitting for an actor!
>Jenifer looked up to see a tall thin man, with moused blond/brown hair
>standing a little bit away from her.
GYPSY: Oh, no, it's that guy from "Laserblast"!
> He was wearing skin tight grey pants with knee length black boots. A
>ruffled shirt, tight waist coat and short black cape, fastened at his
>neck with a diamond clasp, completed the picture of elegance.
SCRATCH: Boy, the new Dr. Who's a bit of a fop.
> His face was thin, angular and his eyes a cold grey. This was Jareth,
>King of the Goblins.
MADGE (Jareth, campy): King? Not hardly, dearie.
> A small smile on his face he gazed intently at her. Jenifer, wearing
> a pair of green, Chinese style pajama's flushed scarlet.
PEARL (Jareth): Heh-heh. My little China girl!
> "I am not your maid." she said, standing up quickly and facing him.
MADGE: Oh, good, the ground's back! I missed it!
> "Pity there's only one of you," Jareth said, ignoring her, "but I
>suppose you'll just have to work harder."
GYPSY (Jareth): Thus I give you your maid name- Avis!
> "Hey! Excuse me. I said I am not going to be your maid.
PEARL (Jen): As a talk show host, I can't clean your mess. I just put
it on TV and have my audience shout at it.
>Who are you anyway?"
>
> "I am Jareth," he said with a small bow, "lord of this domain.
SCRATCH (Jareth): And by domain, I mean your knickers.
> And as long as you, Jenifer Bass, wear those," he indicated the
>bracelets, "you are mine to do with as I will. And I will you to be
>the maid of my castle, to cook, clean and sew."
MADGE: "And so"? And so what?
GYPSY: No, "sew", see?
MADGE (as an old Mexican): "Sew". Sí.
>
> "You know who I am?"
>
> "Of course I do."
SCRATCH (Jareth): You're that crazy chick with the talk show who can't
talk.
> He came toward her, his voice very much like the purr
> of a cat.
PEARL: Meanwhile he's ignoring the goblin holding the door open for
him
to go out.
GYPSY: And turning his nose up at the food he just spent an hour
begging for.
>
> "Occasionally I like to look into the mortal world." He snapped his
> fingers and a small goblin ran over to them, holding a parchment. The
> goblin looked a little like a junkyard dog, or a Disney character
> fallen on hard times.
SCRATCH: Oh, a Sid & Marty Krofft creation!
> "Jenifer Bass." he read. "Married, but separated, no children, no
> active sex life..."
>
> "Hey!" Jenifer protested.
ALL: BOOOOO!
PEARL: Goblins and Ken Starr seem to hold similar interests. Not that
I'm saying there's a connection, of course. Just an observation.
> The goblin ignored her.
>
> "Talk show host, syndicated, last rating was 2.5.
MADGE (goblin): Sixth in her time slot, behind PAX's "Very Special
Salute to Michael Landon".
> Psychological profile indicates strong need to be liked, also strong
> maternal instincts."
>
> "Perfect for a maid." Jareth said, taking the parchment and looking
> it over.
GYPSY: Perhaps the ability to *clean* might be a better qualification?
>
> "I am not a maid!" Jenifer growled.
>
> "Oh I know." Jareth said, scanning down the parchment.
>
> "Infact you haven't been since..."
[All chuckle and moan.]
MADGE: Jeez. Paulie Shore gets more respect than this character.
>
> "Give me that." Jenifer demanded, snatching the parchment.
SCRATCH: Man, when did Howard Stern start a temp agency?
> It dissolved in her hands.
>
> "I know who you are Mrs. Jenifer Bass." Jareth said.,
GYPSY: Well, yeah, we established that.
> With one finger he reached over and brushed Jenifer's hair off of
her
>forehead.
MADGE: Lawsuit!
> "I have watched your show from time to time. I know that most of the
> guest make you feel small.
PEARL: Most of the guest. The bits above the knees.
> I know that you hope your husband will someday return, not because
> you have any love for him, but because you need someone to take care
> off.
GYPSY: This may be presumptuous, but it sounds like Jenifer just needs
a pet.
> You
> let your brother-in-law stay in your driveway for that same reason."
SCRATCH: Under a nice, warm, pavement-colored blanket.
PEARL (Jen): Make sure you tuck your head in, sweetie.
SCRATCH (in-law, clueless): But can't I have a pillow?
PEARL (Jen): My good pillows on that filthy driveway?
> Jenifer desperately wanted to talk, but Jareth's voice and movements
> were hypnotic.
MADGE: He's the goblin equivalent of Gregory Hines!
> She felt a part of herself begin to wan under the truth of his
> words.
PEARL: Her hair, mostly.
>
> "I know you lay in bed alone at night and dream of ways to make your
> existence more exiting." he paused and smiled.
GYPSY: She's a talk show host who fights in her living room! How much
more excitement does she want?
> "And I know, that you know you will never, ever do anything to make
> those dreams a reality.
SCRATCH: Oh, I don't know. Her dream to meet an effeminate glam-pop
has-been seems to be progressing nicely!
> All this I know, and more."
>
> The Goblin King had been walking around her as he spoke, and now he
> came full circle and faced her again.
MADGE: Retroactive staging! When planning ahead is just too hard!
> Again his fingers reached for her forehead.
>
> "No!" Jenifer shouted, batting his hand away with one hand even as
> her other made a fist and socked him in the jaw.
PEARL: Yup, this is where all that talk show training starts paying
off
big time.
GYPSY: Oo, so many people who bought "Tin Machine" are standing up and
cheering right now...
> Jareth stumbled back a few steps, more surprised than hurt but it
was
> Jenifer who fell down. For a few moments neither of them spoke.
> "A maid with spirit." Jareth said,
SCRATCH: Blue Nun!
> and there was a smile in his eye as he said it.
> "I am not a maid!" Jenifer shouted, jumping to her feet.
MADGE (Jen): I'm Laila Ali!
>
> "Oh I know." The voice was back to a purr and Jenifer's face became
>scarlet once more as she realized what he meant.
PEARL: Eh. Double entendres don't really make it as running gags.
> "Mrs. Bass," Jareth said, becoming very business like, "by the law
of
>this land you are mine to do with as I will."
GYPSY (Jareth): And I will you to trade me your Pokemon!
> he paused then added; "At least as far as employment matters are
>concerned. If you refuse my employ then you will be an outlaw in this
>land."
MADGE: Lordy, these right-to-work states are tough.
> "So what does that mean?" Jenifer demanded, trying to make her voice
>sound patronizing.
SCRATCH: That's *matron*izing!
> "You'll lock me in a dungeon?"
> "Not at all, my dungeons have no unwilling guest.
PEARL (Jareth): In fact they have two stars in the latest Michelin
guide.
>It means I will not protect you."
> It took a moment for his words to sink in.
GYPSY (Jen): Um... "dungeon"... that's like, a crab, I think.
>A cold breeze, or it might have been the mummer of laughter
[All snicker.]
> from the
>goblins around them made Jenifer shudder. She couldn't really see the
>goblins, only hear them.
SCRATCH (goblin): So, Roy! Still a goblin?
MADGE (Roy): Yup. You?
SCRATCH (goblin): Pretty much.
> Infact she couldn't see much of anything except Jareth. Every time
> she tried to focus on something besides him the grey mist would rise
> and obscure it. But everything around her suggested menace.
PEARL: So. Menace, anyone?
GYPSY: How could you even suggest menace at a time like this?
PEARL: Well, you know. The mist and all.
>
> "I am not a ma... a domestic." Jenifer said firmly.
>
> "Very well."
PEARL (Jareth, clapping twice): Domesticate her!
>Jareth bowed and stepped backward, the mist rising as he moved. "But
>should you ever feel the need of food, shelter or clothing
MADGE (Jareth): Get stuffed!
>my castle lies in the center of the Labrynth. There also lies your
>only way home."
GYPSY: Except for the exits, over here, over there, and round here.
Plus the fire escape.
>
> With those words the Goblin King and his goblins faded into the mist
>as the mist faded into the dawn.
SCRATCH: And the dawn faded into Cheez Wiz. And then things got kind
of disturbing...
>Jenifer found herself standing next to a high stone wall. It stretch
>from one end of her horizon to the next.
GYPSY: Oo, *Great Wall* of China Girl!
>looking away from the wall she could see only desert. Beneath her
bare
>feet was cold stone.
PEARL: -Steve Austin!
SCRATCH: A man barely alive?
MADGE: Get your head out of the seventies, pawn.
>
> The throne room of Jareth the Goblin King was an unholy mess.
SCRATCH (Bowie singing): I'm a *mess* without...
GYPSY: I thought goblins were nondenominational?
>Empty boxes were strewn around, food that had been left out for
> centuries sat on tables. Goblins big, small, medium, alive or dead
>lay sleeping, gaming or fighting.
PEARL: Well except for the dead ones.
> In the center of it all sat Jareth, for once not minding the clutter
> or decay.
MADGE: But that gaming has gotta stop!
>In his hand a transparent ball showed the host of "My Talk Show"
> climbing the outer wall.
GYPSY: Tom Green?
> A little more he thought, as she reached for another handhold.
>Jenifer's hand closed around a brick and she tested it for firmness
SCRATCH: Nah, still not done. Back on the grill!
>before putting her weight on it. Jareth smiled and the mortar holding
> the brick suddenly turned to paste.
PEARL: Which Jen then tried to *eat*, no doubt.
> The ball gave no sound but the look on the talk shows face
[All snigger.]
MADGE (Jen): I *am* the show!
>as she fell
>was enough. "That's the fifth brick you've dislodged Mrs. Bass,"
> Jareth whispered, "surely even your not stubborn enough to try
>again."
PEARL: Well, sure. She dislodges enough, there isn't a wall anymore.
GYPSY: Like Atari's "Breakout"!
> In the ball Jenifer climbed to her feet and hurled the useless brick
>against the wall.
MADGE: The one made of paste, you mean.
GYPSY: She's the dreaded batter pudding hurler!
> The started to climb once more.
MADGE: By the way, she's climbing the wall.
SCRATCH (resentful): I know.
MADGE: That means that they're bracelets.
SCRATCH (same): I *know*.
MADGE: That means I win.
SCRATCH: I KNOW!
MADGE (happy): As long as we're clear.
> Jareth could see muscles tensing under the pajama's and for a moment
> the thoughts of the Goblin King turned in another direction.
[All fall on the floor laughing.]
PEARL: Towards women's soccer and a black sports bra!
>
> "Sire."
>
> Jareth did not stir nor say a word to Krun's entreaty.
GYPSY: Since he wasn't a paid stud horse.
> He knew who it was of course. Everyone in his palace was known to
him
> ad nauseum.
MADGE: That's Latin for "through the personals".
> That was actually the problem, everything was known to him. Like all
>truly immortal beings Jareth had faced his share of foes. Hero's,
>Knights, Wizards and more.
SCRATCH (odd little man voice): Hi! I'm the theater owner. Since
Jareth's prattling on again, let me take this time to ask you to
donate to the Will Rogers Institute!
> He had faced them all and for the most part won. But that had been
> long ago, when the worlds of fairy and man were close.
PEARL: When they giggled during homeroom and shared chewing gum.
> But now the cosmic waves
> that moved worlds like so much driftwood at sea had pushed Earth and
> Fairy Land apart. The father apart
GYPSY: - was Julius Erving!
>they drifted the more the Goblin King began to face another foe. A
foe
>Jareth could neither defeat, nor surrender too.
ALL: BOREDOM!
>Boredom.
MADGE: Oh.
GYPSY: Oo.
SCRATCH: Don't *I* feel foolish.
> It laid down with him at night and woke with him in the morning,
PEARL: It raided the fridge and left its dirty underwear on the floor.
> it made
> the air seem stale and the food a mere paste that coated his tongue
> and soured his stomach.
MADGE: Ew, horseradish!
SCRATCH: Mm, horseradish.
> In ages past Jareth would not have even bothered with Jenifer Bass.
> She was no maiden, nor was she a great beauty for him to seduce. But
>she was here.
GYPSY: Seinfeld. The paragraph about nothing!
>
> Jareth was about to turn the brick Jenifer was holding onto into a
> large bar of chocolate when he realized Krun was still standing
> beside him.
PEARL (Krun): Hey! (snaps fingers) Ground control to Major Tom! Snap
out of it!
> The
> distraction was enough for Jenifer to finally get to the top of the
> wall."What." the Goblin King growled, letting the spell ball
> dissolve. Krun shook a little at his masters tone but otherwise held
> his ground.
MADGE (Krun): Um, while you were ruminating? The girl escaped. And
got married. And had a kid. And he growed up, and he's here, and
in leather, and he wants to kick your ass.
> This bothered Jareth, there should be no goblin who did not quake
> with fear of him.
SCRATCH: Oh, the goblin version of the Giuliani administration.
> But Krun was a wizened old goblin who was chief of the guard. He was
> one of the very few who remembered the days before Jareth's rule.
GYPSY: Is that the one where processor power doubles every two years?
>This stuffed
>the goblin with his own importance,
PEARL: -wrapped him in bacon, and slowly roasted him over a cracklin'
hickory fire!
>and over the past few centuries his
>hubris had begun to annoy Jareth.
MADGE: So... the author can't spell the word "of", or make proper use
of
"too" and "your"... but the word "hubris" he can flash around like
a
Rolex!
>
> "The door to Living Island has been opened!"
PEARL: So, somebody opened a door. Whoa-ho, good work Krun! Next
time
someone leaves the *toilet seat up*, we'll know who to turn to!
*Jeez!*
> Witchie-Poo sniffed the air and dug her toes through the worn soul
of
>her boot
SCRATCH: The "soul" of her boot?
GYPSY: Well, you know. Living Island, living boots.
SCRATCH: Wha-hey! Could it be Mark intended that double meaning? I
mean, could this story actually be *clever*?
PEARL: It's worth thinking abou-*NO!*
> and into the rock. It had been ages since she'd been out of her own
>domain.
MADGE: That would be ".hex", I believe.
> The witch felt the subtle differences in the fabric of reality and
it
>was not a pleasent feeling.
PEARL: For in the Labyrinth, the fabric of reality was burlap.
>Hovering in the doorway Seymour and Orson did not even dare to speak.
>
> "Well, well." She turned and faced the Goblin King and for a moment
> that stretched into a minute witch and goblin watched each other.
SCRATCH (Jareth, nasty at Poo): I'm more of woman than you'll *ever*
be!
> As power went they were equal,
GYPSY: But Jareth had more top 40 hits.
> but Witchie-Poo knew that Jareth had the home ground advantage.
MADGE: Wow, the ground really negotiated a good part for itself after
that little disappearance earlier.
SCRATCH: Mm. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward.
> Jareth for
> his part wondered if, with the world of man drifting away, if the
> fairy kingdoms would fall upon each other. It had happened before,
> and of late he had seen signs it would happen again.
SCRATCH: So Pearl? If we collect, like, ten hideously written
paragraphs that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot, do we
get a free sub at Subway or something?
PEARL: Sure. You didn't get your card when we came in?
SCRATCH (jaw dropping): There were *cards*?!
PEARL (holds up card): Ten stamps, free sub. Got me two stamps
already.
SCRATCH: Aw, man! I didn't know about that! It's not fair!
GYPSY: Oo, take mine, Scratch. They give me gas anyway.
SCRATCH: Really? Cool! Thanks Gyps!
>
> "What do you want fancy pants." the witch snarled.
MADGE (Jareth): Madam, *you* came to *me*?
>
> "That should be my question to you." Jareth answered calmly. He
> gestured at the wood splinters on the ground. "Doors are expensive
>you know."
GYPSY: Fairyland must be the only place without a Home Depot.
>
> "Yea, I know." Witchie-Poo muttered. "But so's a good meal.
PEARL: Or a Boston Market, apparently.
> My spider there caught a bugaloo
SCRATCH (Bowie): Your spider? Is he from Mars? I might have fronted
for his old man!
>and then let her get away."
>
> "A bugaloo?" Jareth asked, though it was not a question.
MADGE: Well then WHY DID YOU PUT QUESTION MARKS ON IT AND WRITE THAT
HE
'ASKED'?!
GYPSY: Oo, calm down Madge. It's only a story.
MADGE: Oh, it just makes me mad, is all.
> Indeed he did not so much speak the word as he savored it.
>
> "My bugaloo tight pants." Witchie-Poo snapped.
SCRATCH (Poo): My Official Bugaloo bicycle pants I bought at Sports
Authority!
>"My lacky caught her, I'm gonna eat her."
> Jareth smiled and the witch stood ready, for she knew that smile of
> old.
>"Well then do be careful, for more than one of our kind has lost her
> way in my Labrynth."
GYPSY: Isn't it 3M-Continental Airlines Labyrinth by now?
>
> For an answer Witchie-Poo let loose the same laugh that had so often
> terrified the creatures of Living Island.
PEARL: But you could say the same for an air compressor, so don't read
too much into that.
>"Me? Get Lost?" she laughed again. "Just stay out of my way fancy
> pants!"
MADGE: Jeez, what is it with her and his pants? It's not healthy!
>
> Jareth smiled, bowed and vanished.
>
> "Orson, Seymour get over here." Both the spider and the vulture
> rushed over to Witchie- poo
SCRATCH (as TMBG): Spider!
GYPSY (same): He is our hero!
SCRATCH: Spider!
GYPSY: Get- *rid* of-
> and she harshly rapped each of them on the head
> and the beak with her wand.
MADGE: Mm, spider beaks! Not much meat, but good eatin'!
>
> "What was that for chiefy?" Seymour wailed.
>
> "Because I felt like it." Witchie-Poo barked.
PEARL: Wow, they've got all the comic timing of Abbot and
Costello... 's *lifeless, maggot-riddled corpses!*
>
> "What are we going to do oh glorious one?"
SCRATCH (Poo): Ah, violence-induced veneration. Gotta love it!
PEARL: You see, this is all I ask. Someone to talk to me like this.
Is it really such a big thing?
>
> "We aren't going to do anything you moth eaten pigeon."
MADGE: Moths eating pigeons?! Witches eating bugs?! What drunken
random number generator spat out the food chain on this island?
>she snarled,
>stressing the first word. "I'm going after my flute. You two stay
hear
>and make sure no one goes through that door. I smell a rat in tight
>pants.
GYPSY: Stuart Little!
> Now call out the guard and do what I tell you!"
SCRATCH (Orson): Um, Poo, we don't *have* a guard. That requires
money, which would mean you were doing something other than chasing
a useless yellow woodwind 24-7.
> She smacked each of them
> one more time and then took off, raising an evil smelling cloud of
> dust in her wake.
MADGE: Her wake?
SCRATCH: She's dead! Hail Dorothy! The story's over! Run for it,
guys!
PEARL (grabbing his horn): Get back here, coward.
SCRATCH (wincing): Ouch! Leggo. Please.
>
> Jenifer moved the squares on the giant cube as quickly as she could,
> every so often sparing a glance at the door. The cube had numbers
> instead of letters, but she knew the rules of the puzzle readily
> enough. Get all the ones on one side, all the twos on another side
> and so on.
GYPSY: Uh-huh. So Jareth is centuries old, but his Labyrinth runs on
annoying geek fads of the eighties!
> This was the fourth door she had faced since she had managed to get
> over the wall. The first one opened easily to her touch, and she
> nearly fallen into a pit of spikes.
PEARL: Mulligans, Lees, Joneses...
> The second one had a face carved into it and would only agree to
open
>after an hour long session of knock-knock jokes.
SCRATCH (door): Knock-knock!
MADGE (Jen): Who's there?
SCRATCH (door): A pajama-clad idiot.
MADGE (Jen): A pajama-clad idiot wh- hey!
> The third one had sung so beautifully and so hypnotically that
> Jenifer barely noticed when it stretch a clawed hand toward her
neck.
> That fight had left her with splinters and a determination that no
> door was going to stop her again.
GYPSY: If she's strong enough to splinter doors, why's she even
bothering with the puzzles?
PEARL: When she gets out of the Labyrinth, maybe she can do a guest
spot on "Martial Law"!
> But this door was in front of her, the sun and the light were fading
> fast and Jenifer was dead tired.
> "Darn it I'm not going to give up." Jenifer announced.
SCRATCH: She's got *spunk*! I *hate* spunk!
>The door was not
>impressed. It merely stood in her way.
>
> Angrily Jenifer manipulated the cube again.
MADGE (Jen): Damn! These one-sided cubes are the hardest ever!
>A few minutes later the puzzle was done and the door opened. Jenifer
>grunted in satisfaction and walked through.
PEARL (grunting): Ergh-ergh. Jen satisfied. Ergh.
GYPSY: Oh, no, the next door is guarded by one of those troll dolls!
And a Pet Rock!
> Once through the door dazzling sunlight blinded her. The temperature
> went up fifty degrees, the ground beneath her feet suddenly sloped
> away
MADGE (Jen): I wonder if I should check for *TRA-A-A-A-A-A...!*
> and with a surprised yelp Jenifer rolled down the hill and into the
> lake. Ice cold water chilled Jenifer to the bone and she desperately
> tore her way out of the water and on to the shore.
SCRATCH: Jareth's beta testing some of the rides for Henson's "Gonzo
World" theme park in Orlando.
PEARL: Here's your E ticket to hell, kid.
> Coughing she looked around. She was sitting on the shore of a small
> lake. Apple trees were all around, shading most of the lake from the
> hot afternoon sun. It was too much for Jenifer and she fainted.
[All chuckle.]
GYPSY: Yeah, I thought she was running rich. Fiddle with the choke
and
try starting her up again.
MADGE: Tae-Bo-ing a magic door to splinters, no problem. Confront her
with a set from the Wizard of Oz, however!
[Logo, Commercials]
--- End Part 3 ---
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