[MiSTing] "The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part I"
Jake Dominguez
by Jake Dominguez
jakene...@yahoo.com
Original Authors:
Brian Webber, Jon Wade, Josh Mastin, Jason Liedgk.
[Author's Note: Hi folks. Well, welcome to my very first MiSTing. This is
based on a public
discussion board adventure on Nitpicker Central.
[http://www.nitcentral.com/discus] I'm one of the
regular authors of the most popular adventure story there, The League of
Intergalactic Cosmic
Champions. One dark day, the horror known as Brian Webber swept in, and
guided the story to one
of the most confusing, strange and difficult plotlines ever in the history
of LICC. Shortly
after his storyline mercifully ended, he started his own adventure, a
spin-off of LICC, and
enlisted some of the League authors to play heroes in his own little
universe. I realized his
story might make good material for my first foray into the fine world of
MiSTing, and so this
work was born. So sorry for boring you, here's the MiSTing already. Be
gentle.]
*Season 10 theme song*
"Mystery Science Theater Three-Thousannnnndd!"
(1)...(2)...(3)...(4)...(5)...(6)...
[MIKE and the BOTS are on the bridge. MIKE is chewing on a Milky Way, and
the BOTS are busy
writing with crayons on sheets of construction paper.]
MIKE: Hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Tom Servo and Crow
here are...actually
I don't know what they're doing. Guys?
TOM: Well Mike, we've decided to make a list of everything we've been asking
for over the past 9
years, and which you never got us.
CROW: Exactly.
MIKE: Well, okay, let me take a look at that. [MIKE picks up TOM's list and
begins to read.]
MIKE: Okay, a Betamax player, a eight-track, an Atari console, a rotary
phone for your
bedroom...Tom, you only want things that went obsolete a long time ago!
TOM: Well yeah, Mike. I missed out on the Seventies and most of the
Eighties, and you're denying
me all the things that can take me back to those naïve years...
MIKE: Tom, you watch 70's and 80's movies all the time.
TOM: Oh yeah, guess I never thought of that. Boy, I didn't miss much, did I?
MIKE: Well, I wouldn't say that. Anyway, what's on your list, Crow?
CROW: Well, I put down "Not having to watch any more bad movies."
MIKE: Gee, sorry, Crow. Not much I can do about that. How about a pony?
CROW: But I really want Not To Watch Any More Bad Movies!
MIKE: It's okay, Crow, calm down. Oh look, Pearl's calling.
CROW: A brown pony?
MIKE: Maybe, maybe.
[OBSERVER appears on the screen. From off-camera comes shrieks of rage,
yelping and lots of
splashing sounds.]
OBSERVER: Oh hello, Mike, robots.
MIKE: Hi, Brain Guy, what's going on?
[OBSERVER shudders.]
OBSERBER: It's Bobo's...bath time. The primate has grown rather ripe of late
and we decided
something must be done. Pearl and I flipped a coin, and she unfortunately
lost. And she lost the
second time as well. And the third. And the...
MIKE: We get the idea. So that means no movie today?
[The BOTS cheer.]
OBSERVER: Well, yes, Mike, but Pearl ordered me to find a suitable
replacement.
MIKE: No, not another Internet fanfic!
OBSERVER: No, this is different. I...
[BOBO, completely naked with his lower body covered with a mosaic pattern,
runs shrieking across
the room, in the background. A hefty green-clad figure, covered in suds,
runs after him.]
PEARL: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MONKEY!
BOBO: Only if you can catch me!
[OBSERVER winces.]
OBSERVER: Well, Mike, it's actually a discussion board story. A group of
sci-fi junkies got
together and started a free-for-all story involving superheroes, spaceships
and crazy storylines.
It's actually quite humorous.
TOM: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
CROW: Yeah.
OBSERVER: Well, it isn't, but unfortunately...you'll be watching its
spinoff, written by a
particularly interesting author. I'm afraid this story is quite unpleasant.
MIKE: Oh...okay.
[Behind OBSERVER a fresh track of soapy water stretches back across the
floor, and once again
the shrieking and splashing sounds are heard.]
OBSERVER: Believe me, Mike, if I had any choice I would...
PEARL, offscreen: SEND THEM THE FIC, THEN HELP ME WITH THIS STUPID
CHIMPANZEE!!
[OBSERVER shudders again, then makes his Brain Guy noise. He grimaces
apologetically, then
rushes off-screen.]
MIKE and THE BOTS: AAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT DISCUSSION BOARD SIGN!!!
(6)...(5)...(4)...(3)...(2)...(1)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[MIKE and the BOTS file into the theater.]
TOM: I can't believe we have to watch a discussion board adventure!
MIKE: Just keep cool, Tom. Maybe it won't be so bad. After all, the Nutsos
from Planet Goofball
were pretty bad...
TOM: Never mention that again, Nelson!
>Part One: The Hunt For Jake Grey
CROW: While we hunt for our suicide pills.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 03:42 am:
>
>The ship's name is Archangel.
TOM: *Film noir voice* A tough old broad, tough as nails. She could hold her
own in a fight, and
even found time to chum around with the scum on 45th street, looking for
information...
CROW: All right.
>Her crew is a rag tag group with one desire.
MIKE: Plastics!
>Revenge. Revenge for the millions of innocents slaughtered by the
psychopath Jake Grey.
CROW: Not another psycho-thriller! I need a break.
MIKE: It just started, Crow. Chill out.
>Her captain is a powerful Cleric/Mage by the name of Greymoran. His orange
and crimosn robes,
>and flame shaped amulet do little justice to the power he truly wields.
TOM: But his pink feather boa and gold lame gown do perfect justice to his
wild lifestyle.
>Sitting over by the tactical display is Keith E. Yeager. Unwittingly drawn
into this epic
>struggle of good against evil, Keith is an eager man of 29 years, former
science vessel
>captain, and expert in archaeology and biology, and also a moderate
tactician, or so he says
>(in reality, he's delusionally convinced him all those years spent playing
Risk taught him the
>basics of combat tactics).
MIKE: Yeah, in the same way playing Vegas Stakes will enable you to win a
mint at Caesar's
Palace.
CROW: So what does this guy do? I forgot.
MIKE: I did too.
>There to help if he's proven wrong is Jackson Dupree, a clone of
Greymoran's son,
TOM: A sci-fi soap opera?
>legendary captain of the famous Spidership. Also serving as the ship's
temporary science
>officer until Keith regains his grip on reality.
CROW: And his grip on his underpants.
>At the helm sits Rita Yeager, Keith's wife of 7 years. 40 years old, and
gorgeous, she is the
>object of affection for the Tacoman clone, though he is much too polite and
moralistic to say
>anything. He hides his jealousy well.
TOM: He can't help the fact that he weeps outside her bedroom window every
night.
>Standing behind greymoran is the battle droid Hudzen. Formerly the security
chief for Jake
>Grey's ship, I, Claudius,
MIKE: He, Nuts, Pizza, Pin, Eggs...
>Hudzen was nearly destroyed when he led a mutiny attmept after Jake Grey
aritraely(sp?)
TOM: Wow, when this guy sets out to spell something wrong, he doesn't kid
around.
>destroyed a random planet, just to watch it blow.
CROW: Johnny Cash would like to have a word with him...
>Hudzen now vows to personally deliver the death blow to Grey's neck with a
sword he pulled from
>the hand of the loyal mantinace worker who followed his attempted revolt.
Hudzen overlooks the
>bridge with the gaze of a parnoid parent overlooking a playground.
CROW: *Paranoid Parent* Now Billy, you put that infra-red spanner down right
now. Stop messing
around with that Tactical Console, or no dessert for you. Billy!
>Entering the birdge is the mysterious Ahz. Little is known of him, but he
seems to geniunely
>want to see the monster Grey brought to justice.
TOM: "Final Justice?"
MIKE: Don't you even...
>A face appears on the screen. That of the ship's computer, Carrie.
TOM: *singing* Ohh Carrie...
MIKE: No!
>Mistakenly programmed with the personality of late comedian Denis Miller,
this smart alec
>computer is also dedicated to the cause, and also serves as Greymoran's
emotional backbone,
>helping him through these stressful times. She speaks with a sultry british
accent.
MIKE: Oh great. Dennis Miller with a British accent.
TOM: Well maybe it's not so bad. Maybe Carrie complains incessantly about
Hasty Pudding or the
London Underground...
>"Greymoran, sir. I've picked a dimensional disturbance in one of the Marvel
Comics universes.
>Location would be somehwere near the egde of Shi'ar space.
CROW: Language, language!
>The disturbance is not naturally occuring, and is also incredibly big.
Probably Grey's fleet."
CROW: Ah, the author *freely* uses crossovers. Kill me now!
>Greymoran stands up and sighs. He walks over to Jackson's console. "Well,
how big is it?"
>"Larger in circumfrance than Jupiter sir." Greymoran frowns.
CROW: *Greymoran* How does he know my pet name for my-
MIKE: Don't, Crow.
>"Bigger than last time. That means that Jake probably either stole more
ships, or found more
>sociopaths with piloting skills to join his 'campaign'." Greymoran's face
shifts to anger.
MIKE: Then he starts to flame out, so he down-shifts to Minor Irritation.
>"We won't be able to stop all those ships, but we can at least let that
sonuvabitch know he
>can't hide from us. Rita! Plot a course! Carrie, open a portal. Weapons and
sheilds to full
>power! Let's go get him!"
TOM: *Greymoran, childish* I'm mad now! It's noogie time!
>Rita smiles. The kind of smile that would laucnh a thousand ships. She
turns back to her
>console and begins flicking he rfingers across the panel. the ship swerves
flawlessly into
>position.
CROW: Ah, the author graduated from the CivStory school of writing.
>A portal opens and...
CROW: Quickly closes, realizing what a lousy fic it's getting itself into.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Not that tired old line again!
TOM: Heh heh.
> By Jackson Tacoman, able science officer on Saturday, January 06, 2001 -
08:29 am:
MIKE: All right, another author.
TOM: Maybe this one will spell better.
>Sir! When the portal opened and we went through, sensors got a better look
at the disturbance.
>It seems to be a large space station containing several thousand ships.
CROW: And one Hardee's.
>There also seems to be a bio-pattern that matches that of Jake Grey.
>The station appears to be a mix of materials from different dimensions.
It's basically a Dearh
>Star type thing from the Star Wars Universe,
TOM: Somehow, describing it that way doesn't make it seem scary, does it?
MIKE: Not at all.
>but I can also see traces of Star Trek mateterial, some native stuff, and
even some plotonium
>from my own former dimension. His ships register show the same mix and
match pattern. Sensors
>show ships from Star Trek, Star Wars, and half a dozen other universes with
starship
>technology.
CROW: What, no B5 or Dr. Who? You're slacking off on the job here!
>Also, before I was captain of the Spidership, I was the chief repair
person, inventor of stuff,
>and able first officer. If I may offer my services as part time repair
chief...
TOM: Better than Jeffries Tube Swabber, I suppose.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Cutthroat Jimlad on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 09:45 am:
MIKE: No, it's "Cutthroat ISlaNd," but thank you for playing.
>Arrh! The scurvy cur Jake Grey should walk the plank!
TOM: Back to your locker, Davy.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Plot Complication on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 08:25 pm:
CROW: Hey, at least the author is honest!
>Greymoran: I was afraid that Grey might try something like that. Are there
any populated
>planets in the area? We should head there-
MIKE: Kegger's on at the falls! Bring some Doritos!
>Rita: Too late! We've been spotted. Three unidentified ships coming at us!
>Greymoran: On screen. *screen comes on* Oh ****. Shadows.
TOM: *Greymoran* I never got over my fear of shadows! Stop following me!!
Mommy!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Ahz on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 09:52 pm:
CROW: I am the all-mighty AHZ! Pay no attention to that author behind the
curtain!
>Shadows. I have a theory, but I need some fancy piloting skills. Point the
shuttlebay at the
>incoming ships if you can.
CROW: We'll have the ship let one and blow them into oblivion!
MIKE: Crow...
>Ahz turned and made his way to the shuttlebay. As the hatch closed he was
heard saying "Shadows
>cannot exist in the light."
TOM: The writers of Pitch Black stole that idea!
MIKE: Did you see the movie?
TOM: Well, no...
>The Archangel swung around and pointed the shuttebay at the incoming
vessels. Ahz was
>silhouetted in the lights of the bay for only a moment, but then he started
to glow with his
>own light.
CROW: He had on his new foundation and lipstick, and felt so pretty.
>His hands went through a blindingly fast series of movements before he
pointed his palms at one
>of the incoming ships. In doing so, he unleashed a beam of pure white
energy at one of the
>black ships. The beam hit the lead ship, which shriveled up vanished.
TOM: Eh....wha..
MIKE: Let it go, Tom.
>The rest of the incoming ships scattered, keeping away from the Shuttlebay.
MIKE: Ah, who needs a ship when you've got superpowers.
CROW: Never let this guy team up with Marissa.
MIKE: Yeah.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Saturday, January 06, 2001 - 10:34 pm:
TOM: Maybe he's Jackson Johnson's twin brother?
MIKE: I don't think so.
>I have an idea... If we fire a torpedo flare, one that only emits light we
could deal with the
>rest of the shadows.
CROW: And the author, with shaking hands and a sweating brow, masterfully
devises another plot
device!
>As for populated planets... scanning...There's an inhabited solar system
about 1.2 light years
>away.
>Tacoman glances up at a reflective monitor, which happens to reflect Rita
Yeager at the helm
TOM: *Desperate Tacoman* I LOVE YOU!!! BE WITH ME!
MIKE: What kind of name is Tacoman, actually? Mexican, maybe.
CROW: No, that'd be Tacomano.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 01:00 am:
TOM: *sarcastic* I'm starting to love this guy.
>I meant the Shadows from babylon 5 guys! And light doesn't affect them that
way! You have to
>hit a ship with MASSIVE firepower, and keep hitting it till it dies, cause
the ship is alive!
MIKE: Sounds kind of like Florida cockroaches...
>Sax, could you delete those last two posts please?
CROW: In fact, delete the whole thing. Better yet, make me sign a document
forbidding me to
ever write anything again!
MIKE: Crow...
>No, wait, keep that last part about the inhabited solar system.
CROW: Shoot!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Ahzs Author on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 01:56 am:
>
>I realize that. I was trying to demonstrate that Ahz has a lot of firepower
at his disposal,
>and to give him a kind of philosophical angle.
TOM: Yes, Socrates postulated about superheroes beating up spaceships.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 02:59 am:
CROW: *sarcastic* Ah, I feel alive again now that he's back with us...
>Ahz's author: Oh, ok. Could you explain that to Jackson's author then. I
would like to keep the
>mystical/magical element the dominant element if possible. Adding that neat
little trick to the
>ships' weapons would unfairly tip the scales and take some of the interest
out of the story.
MIKE: You mean there WAS interest?
>While I'm here, you interested in running the Hudzen character?
MIKE: Change the oil every now and then and take care of the upholstery!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 03:37 am:
CROW: 3:37 am??? Get a life, man!
>Anyway, back to the story.
TOM: We left?
>Greymoran: Rita, get us to that planet. If they have any planetary defenses
we may be able to
>get them to mobilize in time. I don't know if it'll be enough to stop Grey,
but it's better
>than letting them suffer like the inhabitants of Tatooine in one of the SW
sub-universes
CROW: They couldn't go to Toshi Station to pick up their power converters!
>(Greymoran told a tale of sub SW universe where Luke Sklywalker had been
born female, and that
>was the one Grey destroyed using a bio-genetic plauge.)
TOM: We all want to destroy Luke, but Greymoran is luckier than most...
>Rita: Right. *turns back to her console* Allright mother ******. Looks like
it's gonna be a
>race.
CROW: This girl's lucky her Mom doesn't wash her mouth out!
>Keith: I'll drop some torpedoes like mines, That ship has too large a
radius to avoid them. I
>doubt it'll hurt them much, but at least they'll know we're not willing to
quit.
MIKE: Yeah, irritate them more. That's the idea.
>Greymoran: Great idea. Jackson, what is that hull made of? Also, tell me
what kidn of sheilds
>their using, and if we have ANYTHING that can penetrate it.
TOM: Well, we've got some extra-strength Drano under the sink...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: This fic is perforated for your convienience.
> By Jackson Tacoman on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 08:58 am:
>
>Scanning the Station... Looks like it's a mixture of Netronium and
Plotonium, sir....wait, I'm
>reading a spot on the lower starboard quarter that seems to be constructed
of high grade
>transparent aluminium....
CROW: The full-length window in the women's locker room! Whoo!
>As for the shields, there seems to be a mix of different types, but the
major types are from
>Star Trek, Star Wars, and magic of some sort..
CROW: Also the gods of Agnarok are protecting it, and there's a bunch of
Metal Men covering the
hull.
>But I can't make out what kind... And if I'm reading this right, as soon as
one shield system
>goes down, another one would take its place...
TOM: Kinda like failed football teams.
>Hmm... If we damage the shields where the Transparent Aluminium is, we
could hit them there...
>it's a minor viewing area, but it's better than nothing... and it's large
enough to send a
>small shuttle into and attack...
MIKE: Their Help Desk is going DOWN!
>Looking through our weapons' manifest... several dozen proton and photon
torpedos... a couple
>of Quantum torpedos... Phasers and lasers.... some large magical weapons...
MIKE: Got my +2 Athame and a Sword of Jelly Slaying.
TOM: Those'll work.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Hudzen on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 06:25 pm:
>
>A figure marches onto the bridge. His powerful look is made even more
intimidating by the sword
>at his side and the rifle he is carrying. His metal body shines in the
ships light. His
>mechanical voice differs from anyone else's on the ship. It's Hudzen.
CROW: And he's mad.
>I am here. I will take the weapons.
TOM: Free Colts tickets if I turn them in at City Hall!
>He walks over to the tactical console.
CROW: So he can fart without anyone around.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 06:32 pm:
MIKE: This guy is going to be one of our favorites.
CROW: We should have him over for drinks.
>Keith: Fair enough. I'm a science officer not a gunner!
TOM: *dry* Hahahahahahahahahaha....
>Rita: Complain later sweethart. I'm trying to hit Jakson's target.
CROW: Rita's got nerves of steel to admit fooling around with Jackson like
that!
>Dammit! To many defnesive weapons and systems. I can't get a solid lock.
CROW: Try a Craftsmith.
>Carrie! Try to filter out all that light coming from those defensive
weapons. I'll try for a
>line of sight shot with the Quantum torps. Hudzen, as soon as I so "Go" you
fire a full spread!
>Jackson, full power to the forward sheilds!
MIKE: And more power to those Dress Shields, give them all we've got!
>Keith, leaning over to Greymoran, beaming with pride: Now you see why I
married her.
TOM: *Greymoran* I thought you liked her big...
CROW: *Keith, hissing* Shut up!
>Greymoran, nodding: Great plan Rita. Ahz, grab the Kzin shuttle and get to
that planet. I thas
>the ability to fold space. You'll be there in no time. We need to warn the
population ASAP!
MIKE: Or Thursday.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Ahz on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 08:30 pm:
>
>I only hope that you can prevent any attack from making it to the planet.
>
>Within moments, Kzin shuttle was on the planet's surface, and Ahz was
moving as much of the
>population into local shelters.
CROW: He didn't know how long the cardboard boxes would hold out, but...
>I can only hope that this is enough.
MIKE: Ahh, I could probably do more, but this is enough.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 10:08 pm:
>You're a lucky guy, Keith.
TOM: By the way, you are going to die later so Rita and I can get together,
right?
>Alright, full power all shields! extra power to the forward shields!
>Rita, Hudzen, I'm sending all readings regarding both the station and the
viewing area to your
>respective stations.
MIKE: But Night Court is on!
>Sir, we're about to have company! Half a dozen small fighters are exiting
the station and are
>headed this way...
CROW: And they look Polish!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 07, 2001 - 11:46 pm:
>
>Greymoran: Ignore them!
TOM: Oh yeah, a brilliant tactician.
>Grey likes to fake out his enemies. I imagine that the fighters can do
exactly zero damage to
>our sheilds. Rita, get that line of sight.
MIKE: *Rita* But Blockbuster closes at 10...
>Carrie: It'll be a lot easier love. I've filtered all the ligth coming off
the weapons fire for
>you. Don't bloody miss!
>CROW: Or Gorey Mrs! Or Slimy Mr!
>Back at the planet;
TOM: All hell was breaking loose!
>Commander of the Shi'ar patrol fleet: Ahz you say your name is? Tell me why
you moved the
>natives into shelters? We have been waiting for them to develop FTL travel.
You're actions may
>have stunted their growth as a species!
MIKE: *Shi'ar Commander* I told you all that coffee wasn't good for them!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Ahz on Monday, January 08, 2001 - 11:35 am:
>
>Really? What give the Shi'ar the right to decide what may or may not stunt
the growth of a
>species? In any case, if you wish to see why I have done this, there is a
battle going on
>approximately two light years away.
CROW: *Ahz* I'm betting on the Packers!
>I can only hope that my actions will save these people from the wrath of
Jake Gray.
MIKE: Because man is a feeling creature...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Monday, January 08, 2001 - 02:18 pm:
>
>Sir, the fighters are following us! They're firing! A small rumble is felt
on the bridge
>Hmm...They used low power lasers to attack, but sensors show that they have
more powerful
>weaponery on them...
TOM: A picture of Rush Limbaugh naked!
CROW: AAH!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Monday, January 08, 2001 - 10:43 pm:
>
>Shi'ar Officer: Leftenant, check the lone range sensors. Until the presence
of this, Grey, ship
>is confirmed, I want all of your actions to stop Ahz. If you are right, we
will mobilize all
>ships in the area. We have three battlecruisers here, the best class of
ship in the known
>Galaxy.
MIKE: And right now, your Ford dealer is offering a 3-year lease at 8.75
APR!
>We can handle this Grey of yours.
>Back on the Archangel
TOM: Michael was chewing out Gabriel for letting "Touched by an Angel" be
cancelled...
>Greymoran: Sensor shadows. He once convinced a group of Dimensional pirates
that his ship had
>Death Star type superlaser on it using a snesor shadow. His field of
experitse in the academy
>was psychological warfare. Rita, are you lined up yet?
CROW: *Jackson* I'd say she is!
>Rita: Yes, but those drones he's launched are swarming. They won't blcok
the whole spread, but
>odds are only 20% of the torps will get through. Do you still want Hudzen
to fire sir?
MIKE: *Greymoran* Well, he's about two months from retirement...yep, fire
him.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman, coming up with an idea on Tuesday, January 09, 2001 -
08:03 am:
TOM: He found out he could use the sensors to peek inside Rita's shower!
>Sir, what if we use tractor beams to shove the drones out of the way? I
could activate several
>of the tractor emmitters, snag a few ships, and toss them out of the way.
CROW: *Hick-like* Yeah, we can get a couple small apiece for the warp cores
at Miller
Scrap 'n Tow!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Hudzen on Tuesday, January 09, 2001 - 04:37 pm:
>
>I am waiting you to say "Go."
MIKE: And the Archangel gets a jump off the green flag, the drones lag
behind, coming up on
Turn 1...
>Hudzen fires and obliterates three of the swarming fighters.
TOM: New Citronella Phasers!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Tuesday, January 09, 2001 - 11:29 pm:
TOM: I have to admit it, this guy is pretty good.
MIKE: Much better than Ratliff.
TOM: He is?
>Greymoran: *mutters* I've got a bad feeling about this.
CROW: I've run out of ideas and have to smooch lines off of George Lucas.
>Rita: Good work Jackson! Hudzen, fire!
TOM: *Rita* No, AT Jackson!
>A swarm of qunatum torpedoes launches outward. Several hit the drones (warp
powered missiles
>for the record),
CROW: Thank you for clearing that up.
>and pass right through! Rita's face goes ashen as she realizes what just
happened.
MIKE: She forgot to turn off "Starcraft."
>The torpedoes hit the target, and do nothing. The power of the blasts are
absordeb.
CROW: Greymoran thent sitsed backd andn finishedeb hisd beerb.
>The sensors record that all the energy from the tropedoes have gone to the
shileds. Worst of
>all the target itself isn't Tranparent Aluminum. It was a trick.
TOM: *Sarcastic* NO!
>Extending from the ship is a long crystal like device. Greymnoran
recognizes it.
[CROW opens his mouth to speak, but just as quickly MIKE clamps it closed.]
MIKE: No way, Crow.
>"A ship killer! Rita, get us out of here! Now!"
>
>The Archangel banks away from Grey's floating battlestation hard.
TOM: So any reason why the "hero" and "villain" have the same first and last
name, respectively?
MIKE: Try not to think, Tom.
>As she pulls away the ship shudders as the crystal brightens. A burst of
energy flies out from
>the weapon, the recoil knocking the station back several metters.
CROW: Eddie Metters?
>The blast flies past the Archangel, misisng her by a kilometer or more. It
hits a drone that
>had been ordered by Grey to wait out at a certain distance. It hits.
TOM: D'oh!
>A minor explosion denotes it's destruction. The blue shockwave that appears
a split second
>later denotes the destructive power of the weapon.
CROW: New Clear Blue Easy. Now for shockwaves.
>If that shockwave hits, it will disable the sheilds, and, if the ship isn;t
far enough out of
>the way, will destroy the Archangel and all her crew.
MIKE: I'm rooting for the shockwave, how about you guys?
CROW: Definitely.
>Rita pushes the thrusters has hard as she can, hoping that shunting all the
sheild power into
>the warp drive will allow them to jump to warp in time, but it's slow to
power back up after
>all it's power had been placed into the sheilds.
TOM. Yeah. Whatever...
>Keith yells out, "Impact in twelve seconds!" Rita's face clenches. "I'm not
gonna let a god
>**** shockwave beat me.
CROW: *Rita* I can surf the Net without any stupid plug-in.
>She punches the Impulse engines, knowing the energy will only pull the
shockwave along faster.
>It buys her a few seconds. The light indicating the warp drive is active
again come on. She
>reaches for the button...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Wednesday, January 10, 2001 - 08:44 am:
>
>Just in time, the Archangel jumps to warp just as the shockwave hits the
area they were
>Now that was cutting it a bit close.
MIKE: Good thing we didn't include the preposition at the end, or we'd never
have made deadline.
>Tacoman examines the science sensors
>Sir, we may want to head toward Ahz's position. Sensors indicate that the
planet he's on seems
>to be on the verge of FTL travel!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Wednesday, January 10, 2001 - 10:47 pm:
ALL: Hi Bri!
>Greymoran: I hope they can defend themselves. I think we've just learened
we can't hit Grey
>directly.
MIKE: What is...what do you do with a flooding river?
>Dammit!
[CROW and TOM stare at MIKE strangely.]
MIKE: What?
>Keith, looking somber: What kind of weapon was that? I've never sen
anything like it in my
>life.
>
>Rita, taking things a little too personally: Who cares! The enemy just bent
us over and shoved
>sensor shadows up our ass
CROW: WHOA!
>and we're talking about what kind of weapon it was, or what level of
technology a planetary
>population is at?
TOM: You'll give Jackson a heart attack talking like that!
>We need to get back at this bastard! He needs to learn we're not going to
give up!
>
>Greymoran: Calm down! We'll get nowhere arguing about this. Set a course
for the planet, and
>pray that that station can't move as fast as we can. We need to mobilize
defenses to protect
>the native peoples.
CROW: Oh sure, THAT'S what you call it. At least Custer was honest.
>That is the primary objective. Saving lives, not revenge. No stand down!
CROW: *Greymoran* Fight bad guys! Shoot light guns!
>Rita, geting up in Greymoran's face: You wanna repeat that? *she says it
threatenenly(sp?)*
MIKE: *Rita, Brooklyn Accent* You got some stones to mess with me!
>Keith: Rita, dove. He's right. There are innocent people on that planet
back there. We have to
>help them. Rita, please.
TOM: *Keith* Love me now.
>Rita takes a deep breath and closes her eyes: You're right. I'm sorry sir.
I just, don't like
>being outsmarted.
>
>Greymoran, smiling: I know how you feel.
CROW: *Greymoran* The stupid computer beat me at checkers again.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Hudzen on Wednesday, January 10, 2001 - 11:32 pm:
>
>
>Hudzen, in his normal, one-tone, mechanical voice: How can we save them if
our weapons are
>useless?
TOM: *Hudzen* Whoops, gotta go.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 01:44 am:
>
[MIKE makes a contented sound.]
>Greymoran: Well, we do have a weapon that will work.
CROW: *Greymoran* My cologne.
>Delay.
CROW: When did Gambit show up?
>Grey is notriously impatient. If we can delay whatever fate he has in mind
for the planet's
>poeple for at least an hour, he'll bail out no matter how well the
>battle is going. Jackson, send a tachyon carrier wave with a message to
Ahz.
TOM: We got a plant-based lifeform in need of a cerebral cortex, and a metal
construct that
requires a coronary pump.
>Tell him to get ready. Grey's coming.
>
>Rita: Grey's ship is on long range sensors. He's moving at Warp 7. Looks
like the out armor
>layers are peeling under the stress, whcih tells me he's at top speed.
MIKE: *Rita* Also the little dot is going really fast across the glowing
flat thing on my desk.
>We can up to Warp 9. We can be there a good 10 minutes before they get
there. Think that'll be
>enough time?
TOM: To finish nuking the burrito?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 09:14 am:
>
>Tacoman rapidly presses a series of buttons
>Message sent, sir.
MIKE: Roses are red, the natives are dead...
>Sir, you have contacts in other dimentions, right? Perhaps we can get some
help from somebody
>in another dimention or something...
CROW: Like Hannibal Lecter, or Charlie Manson.
MIKE: He means dimension, Crow.
CROW: Oh.
>It looks like we may need it pretty soon.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Ahz on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 12:18 pm:
>
>On the planet, Ahz was listening to a communications device.
MIKE: *Commercial voice* 103.3 The Wolf. Classic Rock!
>Yes, I understand. These people don't have very many weapons, so I sent
them to shelters.
CROW: *Ahz* They all died anyway, but what are ya gonna do?
>There is a group called the Shi'ar that seem rather mad at me for even
coming here. I don't
>think the Shi'ar are from this planet. Ahz, out.
>
>Ahz turned to the Shi'ar commander.
MIKE: Great, a shapeshifter too. Isn't being able to blast spaceships
enough?
>Well, it looks like the Shi'ar will get to see Grey first hand. He is
coming to this planet
>even now.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 01:45 am:
TOM: Hey!
CROW: He's back!
>Shi'ar Comander, looking at a pad his subordinate handed him:
TOM: *Shi'ar Commander, reading* Sir, your trouser fastener is disabled.
>Well, Ahz, your story has been confirmed. We'll mobilize our ships as fast
as we can, but
>according to our satellites,
CROW: Boris is into the vodka again.
>the battle didnt bode well for your companions. I hope this Grey isn't as
powerful as you
>claim. Alot of lives could be lost.
MIKE: Or even aton. Abunch?
>Back aboard the 'Angel:
>
>Greymoran: Good point Jackson, but I want to keep outside involvement to a
minimum. I'd end up
>giving Grey more targets. I suppose I could try finding some survivors from
the places he's
>already hit,
CROW: *Greymoran* Yeah, they'll be targets, and I can save all mine.
>but we don't have that kind of time. Any more suggestions?
CROW: Yeah, but we'd like a PG rating here...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 08:58 am:
>
>Perhaps we can remote pilot a shuttle to serve as a distraction...
>Tacoman looks at his board
MIKE: *Jackson* Man, why doesn't Rita notice my abs?
>Hmm... there seems to be an asteroid belt nearby. We could use the tractor
beams to put a a few
>of the larger asteroids in the Grey's path to slow him down...
>Or... Carrie, do you have any external holo-emitters?
TOM: *Carrie* I'm not that kind of girl!
>Turns back to Greymoran You see, if we do, we can project ship images to
distract Grey.
CROW: *Jackson* We can use all those secret pics of Rita I got...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Hudzen on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 04:45 pm:
>
>Considering Greymoran's technological abilities, he would undoubtedly know
which are holograms
>and which are real. We need to find a way to fool his sensors.
TOM: Um, Jam, sir?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 05:02 pm:
>
>Good point, Hudzen. I'm not sure of a way to do that, though...
MIKE: There was something in the latest issue of National Galactic,
though...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 06:54 pm:
MIKE: Man, I love this guy...
BOTS: Us too!
>Greymoran: He'd smash the asteroids to pieces in no time flat. What we need
is, *pauses* Wait a
>minute! This is the marvel Universe! There is no warp drive here. All the
major powers use
>artificial wormholes to travel! I remember falling asleep during a Voyage
episode-
TOM: I'm not surprised.
>8stands up* The Omega Particle!
TOM: There we go, back on track.
>We can explode an Omega particle in the area making Grey's warp drive
useless here! Oh, wait.
>Where would we get an Omega particle? We'd have to go to Voyager *shudders*
last time I was
>there, it was not pleasent.
MIKE: The Borg used their quantum wedgie on me!
>What do you think Jackson?
CROW: No, I'm pretty sure Jackson never thinks.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 09:39 pm:
>
>Sounds like a good idea, sir... but what about OUR warp drive?
>Tacoman notices a light flashing on his console
TOM: *Jackson* When did we get a loser detector?
>Sir, we're being hailed by President Sheridan... he's in the LICC universe.
Should I play his
>message?
>By the way, what made it so unpleasent last time? You didn't disguise
yourself as a Q, did you?
CROW: How do you diguise yourself as a Q?
MIKE: Probably by wearing a Trek costume and acting like a jerk.
CROW: Half the nerds in America do that!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 10:11 pm:
TOM: Wow, I feel so much better now that he's back!
CROW: Yeah...
>Greymoran: Don't ask. Let's just say I would've preferred being in that
awful Mazes & Monsters
>movie. Anyway, tell President Sheridan that we can't help right now.
MIKE: We've got clog-dancing tonight.
>Carrie: Hate to bother you Grey-baby, but do we ahve an Amulet of time-stop
protection in
>storage?
CROW: No, got a potion of save against poison, and a portable hole, but no
amulets...
>Greymoran: What? Yeah, whatever, just do what you're gonna do, then give us
a time calculation.
>I'm going to send a shuttle out through a portal to get us an omega
particle. Any volunteers?
MIKE: What, to help you go to the can?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 10:37 pm:
>
>Aye sir, contacting President Sheridan that we can't help. I'm also sending
a brief summary
>about what's been going on since I got here.
CROW: *Jackson* They're Rita's. Get it, brief...
MIKE: We get it, Crow.
>Sir, before you go, I have a question... would any of more advanced Marvel
groups be able to
>help us?
TOM: Naw, that pesky Thanos stole the Infinity Gauntlet again. What a scamp!
*chuckles*
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Hudzen on Friday, January 12, 2001 - 11:05 pm:
>
>I will accompany you.
CROW: *Hudzen* Ah, got nothing better to do, on with the heroics, I guess.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman, shocked on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 09:12 am:
TOM: By Jackson Tacoman, realizing he shouldn't stick his tongue in the EPS
conduit.
>
>Tacoman spends a few minutes looking over the data that Sheridan sent. He
grows pale and gets a
>shocked look on his face. Greymoran, still aboard the ship, notices and
asks what's wrong
>The O'kaks have taken over Earth in the LICC dimension... I assume you know
about the O'kaks...
MIKE: The race with horrible mucus problems, yes.
>Sir, is the LICC known in other dimensions, and would anbody in those
dimensions be willing to
>help? It looks like Sheridan has gotten help from the Babylon 5 universe...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 05:04 pm:
CROW: How did we live before the magnificent Brian Webber??
TOM: I don't know, Crow.
>Greymoran: Tacoman and Sheridan can handle themselves for the time being.
As for more powerful
>Marvel universe groups, the Shi'ar are about as powerful as they come, and
they won't be able
>to any serious damage to Grey's ship.
MIKE: *Greymoran* We need the New Titans for that!
>You and Hudzen get that Omega particle. And, if you want, send Voyager to
help Tacoman. As for
>our warp drive, we won't need it.
TOM: *Greymoran* No hurry, we'll swing by in a couple eons.
>Before Carrie took off she installed a Star Wars universe hyperdrive. The
omega particle won't
>effect it. Grey will be forced to use his dimensional drive to find another
universe.
TOM: Maybe he'll stumble on ours and blast us the Hec Ramsey out of this
story!
>Hopefully we'll be able to follow him and stall him there too. Good luck
Jackson.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 05:36 pm:
>
>Thank you sir. We'll find those particles.
>Come on Hudzen, we've got an Omega Particle to find.
CROW: *Jackson* Let's look in Rita's dresser!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 07:21 pm:
>
>Carrie: Oi, wait dudes. I got somethin' here that'll help.
CROW: Something called a Spell Checker, it's groovy!
TOM: Shagadelic, man.
MIKE: Don't start...
>*a sensor device of some kind materializes in Tacomans hands*
>
>Carrie: Just plug that little thing into the
CROW: Whoa!
>shuttles sensors.
CROW: Phew!
>It'll take you straight to it using the Kzin fold engine automatically. You
won't have to doa
>thing. It'll do it all for ya'.
>
>Greymoran: Great work Carrie. oh, and we'll work on your grammar later.
TOM: The story that riffs itself!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 07:53 pm:
>
>Thanks Carrie. I assume that we'll have something that can collect the
particle without it
>becoming unstable?
MIKE: The peaceful fog where all good stories lay to rest.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Brian Webber on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 09:29 pm:
CROW: The Master is back!
TOM and MIKE: Rejoice! Rejoice!
>Greymoran: of course. The shuttles emergency transporter has been modified
to hold the
>particle. Just hit the portal generator as soon as you have it, then let it
go and run like
>hell.
MIKE: Does this sound like Metroid to anyone else?
>The explosion radius won't be big, but it'd be big enough to cripple the
shuttle.
>
>Carrie: The device will take care of setting it up for detonation, so don't
worry about that
>either. Just make sure you get back in one piece.
CROW: You mean there's not a Ra resurrection device on this spacegoing
crossover?
>You have twelve minutes to do so. After that, come back. We'll have to find
another way to slow
>Grey down after that. Good luck. Now go!
MIKE: Remember to crack a window!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> By Jackson Tacoman on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 09:46 pm:
>
>Well, Hudzen, I think we may be ready. Let's go.
CROW: *Jackson* Race you to the donut shop!
>Tacoman and Hudzen make their way to the modified shuttle. After connecting
the device to the
>sensor system, they make their way to the Voyager universe.
MIKE: And we make our way OUT OF HERE!
TOM: Woo hoo!
[MIKE picks up TOM and the three leave the theater.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1)...(2)...(3)...(4)...(5)...(6)
[MIKE and the BOTS walk in from off-camera.]
TOM: You know, Mike, it's good to have a change of pace. This discussion
board story is just
what we needed!
CROW: You're right, Tom! We got away from all those sci-fi, crossover,
superhero, spaceship,
near-omnipotent yet unseen villain, friendly banter, gratuitous funny
computer,
dimension-hopping, and explosion storylines we've had to endure in the past.
TOM: Yeah right, huh?
MIKE: Guys, let's see what's happening down in Castle Forrester.
[OBSERVER and PEARL stand in the foreground, sopping wet, covered in suds
and with expressions
of utter fury and disgust on their face. BOBO prances in the background, a
towel around his
waist. He sings while blowdrying his fur.]
BOBO: Cheese, wonderful cheese! Ah, that was great, you guys! I don't
understand why you gloomy
guses didn't want to give me a nice refreshing bath! In fact, I oughta take
one every week!
No, every day! Oh, joy of joys!
[OBSERVER and PEARL, not saying anything, slowly turn on their heels, and
advance menacingly on
BOBO.]
BOBO: Why I-what are you doing? Brain Guy, Lawgiver, why are you...no,
wait..stand back.
Lawgiver, awk!
PEARL: Oh, we'll give you a bath.
OBSERVER: Quite!
BOBO: AAH!
PWOOSH!
*Ending theme music*
"The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part I" by Brian Webber, Jon Wade, Jason Liedgk,
and Josh Mastin.
MiSTing copyright 2001 by Jake Dominguez
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., 20th Century Fox Corporation, or anyone else, is intended
or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.
Thanks go to Padawan, Darth Wolf (you know, BF) and of course the
illustrious Brian Webber, for
previewing the MiSTing. Shouts out to Kira, Jon, KAM, Josh, Jason, Obsy,
ScottN, Paddy, Jenny,
BF, BW, MattP, Pesti, and anyone who's ever posted on Phantom Returns or
LICC. Keep up the good
work, guys! And of course, thanks to the authors of "Jake Grey", for
permission to ridicule and
heckle their hard work. Thanks!
Keep circulating the posts.
04-04-2001
TWANG!
>His hands went through a blindingly fast series of movements before he
pointed his palms at one
>of the incoming ships. In doing so, he unleashed a beam of pure white
energy at one of the
>black ships. The beam hit the lead ship, which shriveled up vanished.