[Misting] A Letter to the Fans pt.2 (revised)
KenWMcC55
Crow: Hey, Doc, where are you?
(They hear someone sobbing silently. They look over in the corner
beneath the hexfield, and see the Doctor curled in a fetal
position, sucking on his thumb)
Tom: Oh, come on, Doctor! It's not that bad!
Crow: Yeah, we've seen and read much worse!
Doctor: You don't understand! It's everything! I find myself in a hole
in the ground, I nearly get strangled, and then I'm decked by a
woman who would make a Yeti run in terror! To top it all off,
a guy who looks like a cross between Rogue and Doc Brown
shoots me up here and takes my TARDIS!
Tom: Well, when you put it that way...
Crow: But those are all small, compared to what you deal with everyday!
I mean, when the Time Lords banished you to Earth, did you crawl
into the TARDIS and die?
Doctor: No, but it took the Brigadier and Liz a few days to sober me
up after I drowned my sorrows in Romulan Ale.
Tom: Don't worry about anything. Mike will save your TARDIS and
then everything will be all right.
Doctor (gets to his feet): Well, I guess I'll have deal with it.
(picks up letter off desk) What's this?
Tom (leans over, reading): Dear Doctor and Bots, Am trying to get
back the TARDIS from Dr. and Mother Forrester, will come for you
when I've succeeded. Love, Mike.
Doctor: Well, that makes me feel a little better.
Crow: Yeah, but that "Love, Mike" makes me queasy.
(sirens)
Tom & Crow: TALENTLESS KOOK SIGN!!!
(6...5...4...3...2...*)
>If $150.00 was spent by web terrorist at
Crow: Quark's for a holo-suite filled with seductively dancing Hanson boys.
Servo: Thank you *so* much for that image, Crow.
> the U.S. District Court in
>Mountainous Midwestern Town outside which web terrorist lives, to cause
>an injunction and this prevention is real -- which it is not --
Crow: Yeah, F. Lee Bailey just can't be taken seriously anymore.
> then
>marvelous --because to do this, this means that web terrorist has got to
Doctor: Run naked through the Panopticon!
>sue me -- which web terrorist hasn't because web terrorist is
> scared to -- a lawsuit means that my, and web terrorist's,
>telephone records will be subpoenaed and reviewed by a court of law,
>and that the truth in this matter will FINALLY be revealed
Crow: Well, at least Mulder will be pleased.
> as to who's been incessantly phoning
>whom, and whose office, and whose colleagues,
Doctor: And whose 900 numbers.
> and why.
>
>But web terrorist isn't going to sue me, although I wish web terrorist
>would.
Crow: Please, sue me! Anything to take away attention from my
crayon colored story boards!
> Web terrorist is AFRAID to sue me. Web terrorist is afraid of
>suing me, because web terrorist knows that if web terrorist
Tom: Would you stop it with the web terrorist!!!
Doctor: I'm getting a headache. Give me an aspirin.
Crow: I thought those could kill you?
Doctor: And your point is?
> does this
>then EVERYTHING that web terrorist wants to hide will come out.
Tom: Like where she got those compromising pictures of Michael
Crichton and Steven Spielberg from.
>Everything is exposed in a court of law. Scary, innit, web terrorist?
Crow: Innit? You better agree with me! I asked innit!
>Not for me, because I've got nothing to hide.
Crow: Except for those pictures from alt.sex.pedophilia.
Doctor: You could get sued for that.
Tom: Not to mention that Mike would rip your head off for that.
Crow: Well, Mike's not here, and I dare her to sue us! You hear me,
McQuack? Sue away!!!
> So sue away.
Tom: You two must have a psychic bond, Crow!
> PLEASE.
Crow (Lisa Simpson): Sue me! I'm ever so sueable! Sue me!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Deep 13. No one is to be seen. Suddenly, a pile of clothes in the
corner begins to shake violently. Finally, Mike struggles his
way out, taking big gulps of fresh air, failing to notice a bra
clinging to his head.)
Mike: I *never* wanted to be that close to the Forresters. (notices
bra, grabs it and throws it to the floor) Where is everyone?
(walks over to TARDIS and looks down the hallway, notices no
one around. He turns and sees that the TARDIS door is halfway
open) Great, they beat me to it. Better stop them before every
woman looks like Mrs. Forrester. (shudders as he enters)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>And I dare web terrorist
Crow: Triple dog dare ya!
Tom: Dare ya to infinity!
> to show what a big @#*% web terrorist has --
Crow (NIN): I'm a big web terrorist, got myself a big web.
>and it certainly must be a big one
Doctor: Freud would have a field day with her.
Tom: Yeah, and he'd probably say it's all because she wants to have
sex with you.
(Doctor lets another violent scream)
> because web terrorist has spent a lot
>of website-building time
Crow: Yeah, building an AOL Member Profile site can be *so* hard!
> describing it going up Paul McGann's backside
Crow: Which a lot of female fans would love to do.
Tom: CROW!
Crow: What are you screaming about?
Tom: Just trying to fill the void.
>-- and phone an attorney, start that suit, and step into the ring.
Tom: In this corner, all-time psycho-schitzo freak Karen McCoy!
(Doctor and Crow boo)
Tom: And in this corner, Web Terrorist!
(Doctor and Crow cheer)
>Because once my attorneys,
Crow (Phil Hartman): Lionel Hutz here, I plead guilty by insanity!
Doctor: The Doctor here, and I say the web terrorist is really the
Valeyard in disguise!
Tom (Jonnie Cochrane): If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!
> that phone records subpoena and Lieutenant
>A.J. Bielow of Atlanta Homicide
Crow: Muntz would laugh this out quicker than he did the Lone Gunmen!
> and Crimes Against Persons make short
>work of web terrorist,
Doctor: No, not the mind probe!
> web terrorist will never threaten another
>convention proprietor, or anyone else, again.
Tom: Animals, children, and Pauly Shore on the other hand...
> Because web terrorist will
>be living in a Federal prison,
(all break out in uncontrollable laughter)
Crow: Just when you thought she could make less sense!
> serving time for libel, character
>defamation, invasion of privacy,
Tom: Flaming NA authors.
Crow: Responding to Ratliff's challenge.
Doctor: Genetically altering lab mice to attack Socks the cat.
> terrorist threats and transmitting
>libelous information across state lines -- which is a FEDERAL OFFENSE
>AND A FELONY,
Doctor: I'm not getting used to that.
> "by the way."
Servo: "By the way", you're short a few screws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike felt as if he had stepped into another world. _Great, the
author's going for a non-standard_, he thought. He had never watched
that much Doctor Who episode. Hearing about Dimensions in Time had been
enough to put the desire to do so out of his mind. Because of that, his
face made a look like a big mouth bass when he stepped aboard the TARDIS.
He also felt tingly from stepping through the void that seperated the
TARDIS from reality.
After shrugging off the initial shock, he looked around for any sign
of the Forresters. _Probably got lost,_ he thought. Walking over to a
plush chair, he picked up a book lying on it's seat. _H.G. Wells The Time
Machine. He *still* hasn't finished that?_ Wandering over to the console,
he brushed up against a girder, causing the console to spring to life.
"thE TaRDiS...SeEms tO...LiKe...yoU."
Mike looked over to see Torgo standing near the hallway doors. "What
the hell are you doing here? Where's Dr. Forrester?" Mike demanded.
"tHe MaSTeR...wiLL SEe yOu...NoW," Torgo said in his odd lilt,
as he struggled to keep from knocking over the hatstand he was using for
support. Turning around, he shoved the doors open. He motioned with his
staff for Mike to follow.
_I just hope it's not who I think it is,_ Mike thought as he reluctantly
followed Torgo.
After what seemed like forever, especially at Torgo's speed, Mike
was brought to the Cloister Room. The Eye of Harmony lay open, it's
energies seeping forth. Mike's was startled by a shrill scream coming
from the balcony overlooking the Eye.
"GET ME OUT OF THIS CONTRAPTION!!!"
Mike turned and looked up. Pearl was locked in the same Clockwork
Orange-ish torture device that the Doctor had been held in by...
_Oh, no. That's even worse._
"My dear Nelson. So nice of you to make it here," a syruply evil voice
called from behind Mike.
He turned to see a sight that normally would have had him bowled over
in laughter. A tall figure strolled down the staircase that lay behind
the Eye of Harmony. Wearing a lovingly hand-crafted Time Lord robe, his
usual bed-head slicked back, and his wire rimmed glasses absent, the
figure sported an evil grin.
Dr. Forrester was not the man he once was.
"Let me guess. You wound up in the TARDIS toilet, and slithered your
way into Dr. F," Mike remarked.
Before the possessed Forrester could answer, Pearl began screaming
again. "Clayton! What are doing in that ridiculous outfit! Get me down
from here!"
With a fanciful wave of his hand, the Master responded, "Clayton doesn't
live here anymore, Mrs. Forrester! With this admittedly pitiful frame, I
will finally be rid of the Doctor, and after that..."
"You'll go back and try to disrupt Charles and Di's wedding so you can
take over the world?" Mike interjected.
"That's enough mouth out of you, Nelson! Torgo, deal with this impudent
human!"
Torgo began shambling towards Mike.
"Oh, give me a break!" Mike muttered as he began walking toward the
Master and shoved Torgo to the ground. Staring the Master right in his
cold, snake-like eyes, Mike taunted, "Why don't send someone who doesn't
take a million years to do everything?"
The Master reached down into the folds of his robe and produced his
Tissue Compression Eliminator. "One move, Nelson..."
Swatting the TCE out of the Master's hand, Mike responded to his threat.
"Don't point that thing at me! I don't know where it's been!"
The Master then atrempted to push Mike down the stairs. All that
accomplished was to give Mike a reason to do the same. Master Forrester
rolled down, coming to a rest near Torgo's prone body and the Eye.
"Hey, be careful! That's my son's body!" Pearl screamed from above.
"I must say this has made you excessively aggressive, Nelson," the
Master said as he rose from the floor.
"Consider all of this revenge for 'The Mark of the Rani'," Mike quipped
as began stalking menacingly towards the Master.
Picking up Torgo's body, the Master responded, "Well, this plan isn't
working out so well. So I think I'll exit stage left!" The Master kissed
Torgo full on the lips, causing Mike and Pearl to retch in disgust.
Forrester's body collapsed to the floor, as the Master, now residing
in Torgo, jumped into the Eye of Harmony.
Mike was still reeling from the sight of the Master being intimate with
Torgo when Pearl's screams brought him back to reality. "Would someone
get me down from here? These cuffs are starting to chafe!"
Mike ran up the stairs to the balcony, but stopped himself from freeing
her right away. "I'll only do this if you promise to forget all about the
TARDIS and give it back to the Doctor."
"Anything, just get me out of this crazy place!"
After freeing Pearl, they then gathered Dr. Forrester's unconscious
body. As they carried him back through the console room, Mike wondered aloud,
"I wonder if he'll remember anything?"
"If he does, he'll probably have nightmares about snakes and Torgo for
the rest of his life," Pearl responded as they exited the TARDIS, struggling
to hold the groaning Forrester aloft.