[MiSTing] "The New Season" (3/5) THE SPECIAL EDITION
Tjats
MIKE: Are you feeling okay, Crow?
CROW: I feel...unfunny. Waaahhhhhhh!
SERVO: Mike, we have to help him!
MIKE: I know, but how?
[A Russian cosmonaut jumps through the window.]
COSMONAUT: Hi!
MIKE: Aaah! Who are you?
COSMONAUT: I'm a Russian cosmonaut from the Mir! My name is Bill!
[pause]
SERVO: Okay.
MIKE: Can we help you with anything?
BILL: Well-
CROW: Waaaaaaaahhh!
BILL: Hey, little American friend, what's wrong?
CROW: I'm not funny! Waaaahhhhh!
BILL: GASP! You've got....you've got....Paul Reiser's Disease!
CROW: What?
BILL: As we all know, Paul Reiser is the most unfunny comedian around, and
whenever someone gets as bad as him, we call it Paul Reiser's Disease!
MIKE: Well, how do we cure it?
BILL: I don't know.
CROW: Oh, great!
-Mads' sign-
SERVO: Hey, Pearl's calling.
BILL: Who?
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Well, Nelson, how goes the experiment?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, Crow's got Paul Reiser's Disease.
[CF]
PEARL: Who the hell is Paul Reiser?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, anyway, Crow's not funny anymore. Can he not watch the rest of
the fanfic?
[CF]
PEARL: What do you think I've been trying to do for the last eight years? I
want you
all to come out of that theater with that...that...Paul Chaplin's disease or
whatever. Now GO!
[SOL]
SERVO: Who's Paul Chaplin?
-movie sign-
MIKE: Aaah! Movie sign!
CROW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[M&TB enter the theater.]
SERVO: You gonna make it, Crow?
CROW: I don't know.
> Snively snickered a little at Robotnik's groveling, but moved to close
the doors.
>But before he could press the button,
SERVO: Press the button, Snively.
>he heard Robotnik shriek. It was a shriek of fear, and it raised the fine
hairs
>on the back of Sniv's neck. He'd never heard that sound from his uncle
before, and
>although it was creepy, it also sent shivers of delight down his spine. He
pivoted
>around to look down through the window.
MIKE: There he saw Jenny Craig forcing Slim Fast down his throat.
> Another figure was rising to its feet. A strange creature it was, with
a single
>horn, and a long white beard, and a crab claw. Sniv's eyes widened. Nagus!
>Then he noticed another figure, laying limp. It slowly sat up.
SERVO[stuffed up]: Uh...I'm Todd, the night janitor. Don't mind me.
> A regal face was bestowed on the third man that had emerged from the
Void. His
>tail, long and luxurious, curled around his feet. He had a neat mustache, that
>complimented his face, unlike Robotnik's goofy one.
SERVO[Goofy]: Gawrsh!
> Neither Robotnik nor Nagus had really frightened Snively, but this face
sent
>a rush of fear through him, making his teeth chatter. +AH4Afg-God...by
God...it's
>the king...the king...+AH4Afg-
MIKE: The king is back! Long live the king!
>The king who would punish his traitorous warlord,
>and his traitorous warlord's nephew most severely.
SERVO: Doesn't that kind of drag on a little?
> Then Snively shook his head. +AH4Afg-King Acorn is no longer the king.
MIKE: The parliament has just passed the Bill of Rights.
>I'll just have him killed, none of this Void nonsense. And as for Robotnik,
>once he frightens off those Freedom Fighters with his sudden appearance, I'll
>get rid of him too. And Nagus along with him.+AH4Afg-
> Robotnik tried to run for the door that led out of the chamber. But he
was
>suddenly frozen in place as energy leaped off Nagus's hand.
MIKE[as Nagus]: Hey! Come back here! You're my energy!
> "Seems my cure worked-we are no longer crystal," Nagus said to King
Acorn.
> The King nodded.
SERVO: Why are the King of Mobius and the Lord of Dark Magic in cahoots? Did
I miss something?
> Nagus looked up. "Ah, it's Shrimpy."
[All chuckle.]
> "That's Snively."
> Nagus wheezed in amusement. "That's right. Snively. Adeptly named, that
one."
> Snively scowled, then froze as King Acorn's eyes looked up and locked
sternly
>with his. "Yes. The other traitor."
> Snively glared down at the king and felt a sense of triumph as King
Acorn looked
>away. Then he turned his gaze on Nagus. "You're not planning on taking over,
are
>you?" The little man's eyes narrowed to slits. "Because you won't succeed."
MIKE: He's so stupid no wonder the Freedom Fighters are on the verge of
success.
SERVO: Speaking of Freedom Fighters, how many have we seen so far?
CROW: One, and he was on a TV screen.
> Nagus wheezed again. "Is that so, boy?"
> "Yes."
> The wizard laughed heartily. "We'll see about that, small one."
> Spiderweb-cracks appeared in the glass in front of Snively. He stepped
back
>nervously. Then the entire window crashed down, pieces bouncing off the
console.
>Sniv jumped back,
SERVO: ...kissed himself...
>hands automatically flying up to protect his face. Nagus, looking somewhat
silly,
MIKE[retarded]: Huh. Silly.
>levitated off the ground, hovering in front of the broken window. Then he
floated
>into the room, his feet coming to rest on the ground.
> "Cocky now?" he asked.
SERVO: Yuck! Why'd he ask that!?
> Blue eyes widened, Snively grabbed for the pistol in his belt. But as
he drew
>it out, his hand was struck with pain, as if a knife had stabbed him. He
yelped.
>The pistol clattered to the ground.
> Nagus didn't usually use physical powers to intimidate, but he couldn't
resist.
>His crab claw hand closed around the throat of Robotnik's little nephew, the
serrated
>edges digging into that delicate skin.
CROW: Like a hot knife through butter.
MIKE: You know, Crow, I'm starting to miss your little sexy comments.
> A soft gasp escaped Sniv's lips, but he tried to look fearless.
Narrowing his eyes,
>he glared at the wizard. Nagus simply smiled back, his shark-like teeth
gruesome, and
>that claw tightening. Snively struggled for air, feeling the steak-knife like
inside
>of Nagus's claw gouging his skin, and drops of blood rolling down his neck
onto his collar.
> "So, are you going to challenge me?" asked Nagus. "Fight it out for the
leadership?"
SERVO: Is this a good time to start a conversation?
> Squirming in Nagus's grip, Snively tried to pry the claw off his neck.
>+AH4Afg-If only I could get away+AH4Afg-...he thought. But then what?
MIKE: Then he dies.
> But the claw tightened more, and the pain made Snively realize just how
deeply
>the saw-teeth of that claw were digging. If Nagus tightened anymore, he was
going
>pierce the vital jugular vein,
MIKE AND SERVO[singing]: It's a bunular funular, veinical jugular...
>and blood would spray everywhere, splattering Nagus, soaking his clothes,
drenching the floor.
SERVO: Did they really think this was going to be an intertaining show for the
kids?
MIKE: Still, it's not half as evil as Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
> Snively went limp in Nagus's grip,
SERVO[Snively]: You just don't turn me on anymore.
>his eyes lowered in defeat. Nagus sensed the submissive attitude, and
released
>Snively. Snively's hand flew to his throat, feeling for injuries. He had
several
>deep cuts, oozing blood. But nothing serious.
MIKE: Internal bleeding, heart and kidney failure, nothing important.
> Wheezing, Nagus looked down at Robotnik, who was still frozen in place.
King
>Acorn was leaning against the wall, looking weary.
SERVO[Acorn]: Why didn't I make a break for it? I'm so stupid!
> "Now, both of you pathetic former leaders will serve me!"
MIKE: Tag! You're the leader!
>The wizard threw his hands towards the ceiling, cackling maniacally. His
shadow,
>distorted into a massive shape, quivered on the wall.
SERVO: Alfred Hitchcock's having a heart attack!
>As it fell on Robotnik, the fat man trembled in fear.
>
> ************************
>
MIKE: I don't think that's the right number of stars for this fanfic.
> "So...Nagus is in charge?" Princess Sally stared at the twisted spire
of
>Robotropolis that loomed in the distance.
CROW: I don't think that Robotropolis has any steeples.
>They had been driven back from the city by powerful bursts of magic, and now
stood
>on the edge of the forest. A gray wasteland stretched from the edge of the
trees
>to the city.
> "I guess so," said Sonic. "And here I thought we'd have it easy with
just
>Snobley around."
CROW: Who's he?
MIKE: You know. Snively.
CROW: Oh, yeah.
> The princess's midnight blue eyes were distant.
SERVO: They had been cut out and thrown across the ocean.
>"Sonic...what if...what if my father got out of the Void too...?"
CROW: This is a fanfic, not a Marvel comic!
[pause]
CROW: 'Cuz, Marvel does "What If" stories.
SERVO: We get it, Crow.
> "Hey, Sal, that'd be great!" said Sonic.
> "Yeah. It sure would!" chimed in Tails.
SERVO: Tails will be playing the chimes in tonight's musical performance.
> Sally smiled ruefully. "Yes, it would, but not if the crystallization
side-effect
>still exists."
MIKE: Don't worry. Plot contrivances took care of that a while ago.
> "Aw, Sally-girl, we'll figure somethan' out. Don't ya be worryin' yar
pretty
>little head about nothin'."
> "Thanks, Bunnie." Sally smiled warmly at her best friend, who was
always
>there with an encouraging word or smile.
MIKE: Or accent.
>
> ***********************
>
> "P...pl...please N...N...Nagus, please... I'm sorry.
SERVO[Roger Rabbit]: P-p-p-please!
>I'll get to work right away." The groveling tone, combined with
>Robotnik's deep gravely voice, was an amusing sound.
ALL[deadpan]: Hah. Hah.
> Nagus sat in Robotnik's throne, watching as Robotnik scurried about in
front
>of the giant computer's console, working fervently. Snively was leaning
against
>the wall, arms crossed over his chest. Nagus hadn't made him do anything
>yet. He had been rather entertained by watching Robotnik slave for the past
three
>days. Absentmindedly, he scratched at the white bandage wrapped around his
throat,
>smiling slightly as Robotnik turned to Nagus, trembling.
> "Master...
[Servo looks around.]
SERVO: Torgo?
>the second SWATbot factory is back on-line."
SERVO: Why would Nagus need SWATbots?
MIKE: Yeah. He can just use his magic.
>
> ********************
>
> "I can't stand it. He treats me like some...some peon, Snively.
SERVO: Thay're not in Spanish America, are they?
MIKE: I don't know.
>Like some slave that exists only to work for him. And he casts those
confounded
>spells!" Robotnik's large meaty hands rubbed his...muzzle. His face was
transformed
>into a scruffy-looking dog.
MIKE[as Robotnik]: And he gives me stale Snausages!
> Snively had already laughed his head off about the transformation, and
now sat
>calmly, his hands cupped around a mug of warm coffee. Nagus had allowed
Robotnik to
>stop for a short coffee/snack break. The fat man paced the dining room,
>a doughnut clutched in one hand, his coffee steaming on the table.
CROW: Hey! He's eating less!
MIKE: Crow, why don't you just not talk for the rest of the fanfic?
CROW: What do you think I've been doing?
> "Oh really? Now, why does that sound familiar...?"
> Robotnik glanced at Snively. "What?"
> "Being treated like a slave."
> Robotnik's red pupils narrowed.
MIKE: Oops! Get him some eyedrops!
> "Oh yes," said Snively, pointing an accusing finger at his uncle. "You
treated
>me like shit, Julian,
ALL: Woah!
>worse than shit. I wasn't even going to bring you out of the Void, you know."
SERVO: Down, boy!
>Now that Nagus was in charge, and Robotnik was lowered even lower than he,
Snively
>was no longer afraid of his uncle. What could the fat man do?
MIKE[as Fat Man from Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]: Eat.
>If he tried to strike Snively, the little man would simply dodge. Something
he'd
>never done before, considering he would have only got in more trouble for
avoiding
>Robotnik. But now Julian was just a worthless, groveling lackey.
> "You have to help me get rid of him."
> "Oh, I do?"
SERVO: Who's saying what here?
> Robotnik finally lost his temper, lunging for Snively. His tiny nephew
was
>quick though, slipping out of his chair to elude Robotnik's hands.
> "Come here!" bellowed Robotnik. His order had never failed before, and
he
>expected Snively, shaking and muttering apologies, to come crawling up to his
feet.
>But Snively merely cast him a haughty look and stood motionless.
MIKE: Mortal Kombat on Mobius.
> "You don't control me anymore, Julian," hissed Snively.
> Robotnik's eyes narrowed further at the menacing, openly defiant note
in
>that statement. "I may not control you, Snively, but I can still hurt you!"
He
>lunged again, moving surprisingly fast for such an obese man.
MIKE: He's delusional and thinks Snively is a steak.
> Snively was yanked back by Robotnik's hand closing on his arm. His
arrogance
>flew from him, and he yelped in fear. Robotnik slammed him against the wall,
raising a fist.
> A satisfied smile crossed Robotnik's face as his fist slammed into his
nephew's
>stomach, pushing all his air out in a -whoosh-.
> "What are you doing, slave?"
> Robotnik whirled around in surprise, eyes widening as he saw Nagus
standing in
>the doorway. "N...n...nothing."
SERVO[as Robotnik]: Uh... the Heimlich?
> "Release him."
> Robotnik let Snively drop to the floor.
> "Now get back to work!" Nagus raised his claw-hand threateningly.
> Robotnik trembled, feeling dreadfully weak and cowardly. He looked back
at his
>nephew, who seemed to be recovering from the blow to his stomach. He realized
now
>why Snively was such a freakin' little pansy. Because he was terrified. No
wonder
>the little jerk had constantly stuttered and stumbled over his words in
Robotnik's
>presence. Because fear had numbed his mind, making it hard to think and convey
what
>he really wished to say.
SERVO: I don't mean to be picky, but the brain wouldn't have any nerve cells
to begin with.
> Nagus's brow knit together, annoyed by Robotnik's hesitation. The fat
man saw,
>and quickly hurried out the door.
> Nagus watched Robo scurry down to the command center. Then he turned to
Snively.
>"You, pointy-nosed one, have opened the Void, thus releasing me, and for that
I am
>grateful. But not too grateful, mind you... You try anything against me,
>little one, and I'll see that you suffer."
MIKE[Nagus]: No cable porn for a week!
SERVO[Snively]: Nooooooo!!!
> A faint light glowed around Nagus's claw and Snively felt his ribcage
tighten,
>squeezing against his lungs. He fought for air. Then Nagus waved his hand, and
the
>pressure disappeared.
> "You understand?" Nagus's breathy voice sounded like an old
asthma-ridden man,
>but Snively knew better than to laugh.
CROW: Instead, Snively offered Nagus an inhaler.
> "Yes."
> "You stay out of my way, and I shall not bother you." Nagus's eyes
glowed red
>for a moment, then he turned and left. Snively sighed, rubbing his sore
stomach.
>Nagus was indeed intimidating, but there was a certain...stableness...to him
>that Robotnik lacked. Nagus wouldn't just fly into a rage and attack.
MIKE: But suddenly he did and killed Snively. The end.
>
> **************
>
> For the next few days, there was nothing amiss. Robotropolis slowly
recovered
>from the Freedom Fighter attacks that had followed after the Doomsday
explosion.
>Robotnik was rapidly learning the art of groveling, and Snively was growing
>increasingly bored.
MIKE: Snively's turning into Aram Fingal.
> Snively never thought he'd actually WANT to work, but now that there
was nothing
>to do, he was going crazy. Nagus gave him no tasks, and he simply wandered
around, or
>read his books. He had more time to sit down, eat a snack, drink some coffee,
but
>that only made it worse; the caffeine making him high-strung.
SERVO: Not to mention Nagus played a trick and switched him to Folgers
Crystals.
> Robotnik, however, regularly dented the walls of his new tiny room
every night.
>The frustration of being a mere lackey, when he was once supreme ruler, made
him
>furious. At first, he rebelled against Nagus, cursing at him and refusing
>to work. The wizard knew many spells...and most of them were worse than that
>shape-changing gag. The pain made Robotnik scream, made him beg, and whimper
apologies.
CROW[as Robotnik]: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
MIKE: Crow! You''re just not funny anymore!
CROW[crying]: I'm sorry, you guys! I guess I'm never going to be funny again!
[Crow collapses.]
MIKE: Crow?
> After Nagus released his magic, Robotnik was quick to do whatever Nagus
had told him.
> Whenever he passed Snively in the hallway, his nephew would smile
sweetly, blue
>eyes sparkling, and casually raise his middle finger. If Robotnik tried to
lunge
>at him, Snively would simply duck under his arms and run down the hallway,
laughing
>hysterically.
MIKE: Crow? Are you okay?
> +AH4Afg-I can't stand it! I MUST get rid of Nagus! Once and for
all...I will kill
>that wretched wizard!+AH4Afg-
>
> ****************
>
SERVO: He's collapsed!
MIKE: We have to do something!
[Mike picks up Crow, and they all leave the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Crow is on the counter. Mike, Gypsy, and Servo are around him in
hospital
uniforms. The bridge has transformed to resemble an emergency room. Cambot is
playing
dramatic music.
MIKE[holding two elecrtical paddles]: Clear!
[Mike puts them on Crow and he jumps.]
MIKE: Clear!
[same]
SERVO[looking at monitor]: He's not going to make it!
GYPSY[holding a needle]: Give him this!
[Mike takes the needle and sticks it into Crow.]
CROW: OOOOOWW! What was that for?
MIKE: Yes! We did it!
[Servo and Gypsy cheer.]
MIKE: Crow, how do you feel?
CROW: I feel just fine.
SERVO: Are you funny?
CROW: Oh, kiss off, Slappy!
[The others break into a fit of laughs.]
MIKE: Well, it's good to have you back Crow.
-commercial sign-
CROW: Great to be back, chunky!
[The other bots laugh. Mike looks at Crow.]
MIKE: Okay, you can stop now.
CROW: Why, punjab?
[commercials-we hear the bots laughing over the planet logo and theme]
Jim, that Mistie
(#90212)
"This is where the fish lives."
"I KNOW!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"You know you should transfer when your English teacher can only speak
Italian."