MiSTING: The Field Trip [STNG, Marrissa, Ratliff] [PG] [1/8]
MBlackw415
By Stephen B. Ratliff
Misting by: Matt Blackwell, Dean Carrano, Bill Livingston, Michael
Neylon, Tom Salyers, and Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen
[Season 9 Opening Sequence.]
[The door sequence runs. As Cambot zooms back to show the dogbone
falling, Mike Nelson, the lone human occupant of the Satellite leans
into view from the right side of the screen.]
Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love...
[Mike is interrupted as Tom Servo and Crow T Robot enter the bridge,
singing. Both are dressed in Christmas attire. Tom wears a gray cap,
a red scarf, and mittens, while Crow wears a plaid scarf and a top hat.]
Bots: o/~ Here we come a wassailing, et cetera, et cetera... o/~
Crow: Give us your wassail, if you please, sir!
Mike: Uh, wassail? I'm pretty sure that I'm fresh out of wassail.
Tom: Aw, you're no fun. Man!
Mike: Come on, it's July!
Crow: I know, but where's the challenge of wassailing at Christmas?
The place is lousy with wassails! Take two steps and wham! You smash
your foot on tons of the lousy stuff!
Mike: Wait a minute. We've already done this sketch.
Crow: What? We have not!
Mike: Yes we have! In a minute you try to scam me out of my
debit card and PIN number! Besides, its December, not July.
Tom: Well then, why'd you tell us it's July then?
Mike: Because. . . I don't know. I guess it's because I lose all
track of time up here. Maybe if there were Christmas decorations
up here or something...
Crow: You mean, like those?
[Cambot pans back, to reveal that Christmas decorations have sprung
up around the bridge. Mike jumps back, in surprise.]
Mike: Ah! Where did...? Oh, never mind. Look, we can't do that
sketch. It would just be wrong.
Tom: Oh all right. Crow and I will figure out something to do, but
we need time!
[The commercial sign begins to flash.]
Mike: Do some brainstorming during the commercials. [To the camera]
We'll be right back.
[Mike hits the light, and the bots begin to discuss their ideas.]
Tom: [V.O.] We could convince Lisa Loeb to come to the Satellite
and sing...
Crow: [V.O.] Nah. She's a has-been. We could build a robot to
give to Mike.
Tom: [V.O.] Ooh! How about we pretend that we're Secret Service
Agents and try to protect Mike...
[Commercials.]
[Back on the SOL Bridge. Mike and Gypsy are at the console,
playing a game of Life. Crow and Tom are nowhere in sight.
Mike looks up at the camera.]
Gypsy: Two...three...four! Okay! "You join a improvisational
theater troupe. Move forward 3 spaces."
Mike: Really? Huh. They must have changed the game since I
played it last.
[Tom and Crow enter.]
Mike: Hi guys. Have you decided what you're going to do now?
Tom: Well, I had planned to drag out some of the other guy's
home movies that he'd converted to video, but Crow
reacted poorly to that idea. So, we decided to sing a
Christmas Carol.
Crow: That's right! But don't call it a Carol, as Carol is
a girl's name, and we want this song to be
all-inclusive!
Mike: Does it end with "Christmas comes just once a year, so
for a few days, for crying out loud, can't we all just
get along?"
Crow: Wow.
Tom: Good guess, Mike!
Mike: It's been done.
Crow: Darn. Well then, I guess that we'll have to resort to
our backup plan of tossing you out of the airlock.
[The Castle light begins to flash.]
Mike: Let's see what the Pep Boys want from us first.
[He hits the light. The scene shifts to...Deep 13, where a
tall, bespectacled man in a Wince-Green labcoat and the
the kind of hairstyle you can only get from either a good
hefty bolt of lightning or from drinking a vat of Jolt!
Cola cackles maniacally at the SoL's crew.]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Not even your puerile antics can ruin my good mood
today, Mike Nelson of the North!
[SoL]
All : DOCTOR FORRESTER?!?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [Continuing, as if nothing had happened]You see, I've
decided to go for the jugular with today's experiment.
Remember "Enterprized," hmmm? Remember "A Gul's Revenge?
<laughs> Well, my sources have dredged up another
shipwreck of a fanfic from that master of disaster,
Stephen Ratliff!
[SoL]
Mike: Doc? It's all nice and everything seeing you again - I mean,
with you having died and all - but are you planning on showing
us "Away From Home"?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Why, yes Nelstor. How'd you guess?
[SoL]
Mike: Well, you've given us that spiel before...
Crow: In fact, we've told you that we've seen a piece that
you were about to give us before. I think that you...
ended...up...giving...us... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Mike: Crow?
Tom: What did he give us? Oh no! It was Time...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Mike: As you can see, we've already read it!
Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Hrmph. Give me a moment, Nanook. I'll be back in a
second with something more suitable.
[The connection with Deep 13 ends.]
[SoL]
Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike: Knock it off! He's not going to show us *that* story
again. He's not evil enough to do that to us. I hope.
[The mad light begins to flash again.]
Mike: [Sigh] Let's see what we're being sentenced to this
time...
[Mike hits the lights, and the scene shifts to... Castle
Forrester.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Hello, Mike. Robot Pals.
[SoL]
All : PEARL?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Clearly confused] Yes, Pearl Forrester- the person
who's always at the end of this line, remember? I
send you bad movies and fanfic to torment you? And
speaking of bad fanfic, have I got a doozy for you
today!
[SoL]
Crow: Pearl? This may be an odd question, but is there
anything strange going on down there right now?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Why no, Art. The only thing remotely strange
is that Bobo's tick bath isn't taking as long
as it usually does.
Observer: [O.S.] How in the name of creation did you
get *that* stuck in your fur?
Bobo: [O.S.] It just kind of happened! I don't know how!
[SoL]
Tom: Well, is, er, Sherwood there for a visit?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Darkly] Sherwood? No. I haven't seen him in months.
Why do you ask?
[SoL]
Mike: Oh, no real reason. We were just curious.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh. Anyway, we've got a doozy today. It's a remake
of a story from one of your favorite authors, the lovely
and painful Stephen Ratliff.
[SoL]
Mike: Let me guess, it's a rewrite of "Away From Home?"
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No, it’s a rewrite of - uh, yeah. Actually, it's only
a rewrite of the first part. It's called "The Field Trip"
and it features everyone’s favorite megalomaniacal teenager
in a fight for her life against an alien horde, along with
the usual gang of idiots - Jay "Weenie-Boy" Gordon, Alexander,
Clara Sutter, et cetera. Plus, special guest stars include
the works of Bernie Taupin and Elton John, and a certain
cult hero of yours. I'll see you after the story - if your
mind doesn't explode.
Bobo: [OS] C’mon, you gotta!
Observer: [OS] No! I refuse to apply *anything* to your - your - your –
[SoL]
[The Movie Sign begins to flash.]
All: AHHH!!! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!!
[Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.]