[MiSTing] "Here It Is" (1/2)
Jim W.
Turn down your lights...(pretty pretty please?)
In the not-too-distant future
On a lonely asteroid
Pearl Forrester and TV's Frank
Are getting real annoyed
They're looking for the worst fanfic
Yes, they haven't gotten tired of this old schtick
Once she's got it Pearl will be filled with gaiety
'Cuz she'll head on back to Earth and then reclaim her destiny!
PEARL: If you're confused, go read Season Three!
"I'll send Mike lousy stories;
The worst Frank can find. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
Until they destroy his mind." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't care
How the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
He'll do his best to escape them
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "On standby."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Oops, my head fell off."
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!"
If you're wondering how they stay alive
Through all these loathsome works (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show"
And enjoy all their funny quirks!
on SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are nowhere to be seen. Magic Voice's Auto Return
Unit is
now adorning the wall to the right of door seven. Numerous power tools can be
heard
in the background. The lights flicker. Mike finally enters wearing worker
gloves, a
hard hat, and a drill. His uniform is greasy.
MIKE: Uh, hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Today Crow,
Tom,
Gypsy, and I are giving the 'ol SOL its yearly refit. We're kinda runing behind
schedule...
SERVO[from off-screen]: Well, *you* were the one who insisted we repair your
precious
toilet!
MIKE: Servo, the toilet is something humans can't live without!
CROW[off-screen]: You've lived without it since it broke last month!
MIKE: But every time I had to go I had to take a spacewalk!
CROW: Your problem, not mine!
MIKE: ...Anyway, due to our many dangerous travels over the last year this old
girl
really needed a face-lift.
GYPSY[off-screen]: So do *I*, and you don't give a flying finger about it!
MIKE: Gypsy, you're a robot. You don't need a face-lift!
GYPSY[off-screen]: Ah, go screw those bulkheads!
MIKE: Oh, fine. [to you] Listen, the feed's gonna cut off for a minute while
Servo
replaces the wiring for transmissions. See 'ya in a few.
[Mike walks off-screen]
[The screen goes fuzzy for a brief second, then is replaced with a picture of
the SOL being attacked by a giant Martian spaceship. The words "We are
currently
experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by" appear.]
[Sci-Fi World!]
---
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are behind the counter.
MIKE: See, guys, all I ask is for your participation once a year to keep our
home looking good as new.
CROW: You never ask Magic Voice to help us!
GYPSY and SERVO: Yeah!
MIKE: Guys, Magic Voice doesn't have a physical form. She can't do anything
but talk.
SERVO: She does *too* have a physical form! What do you call that Auto Return
command?
[Servo indicates the box on the wall.]
MIKE: Well, she still can't move around or anything. Now, let's get down to
business.
CROW: Oh, fine. What's our business?
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: We'll know soon enough.
[Moon Zero Two] Pearl is directing Frank as he moves a giant mechanical
contraption
into the lab.
PEARL: No, no, no! To the *left* I said!
FRANK: But this *is* the left!
PEARL: Then move it to the *right!* What is wrong with you? Do it right!
FRANK: But Pearl, I--
PEARL: What did I tell you?
FRANK: [grumbles] But, oh wise and powerful Mistress of Evil, I am but a
disembodied soul who drifts the heavens looking to do good deeds for needy
people!
PEARL: NO, you're my personal slave! You vowed alleigance to me months ago
when
you made this crappy asteroid! Now move it to the *left*!
FRANK: You mean the right.
PEARL: No, I don't!
FRANK: Fine.
PERAL: No, no, that's left! Move it *right*! What the hell is with you today?
FRANK: [grumbles more]
PEARL[to Mike]: Listen, Nelson, while I continue to create my devious plan to
torture you and your little robotic puppets, you're going to read an e-mail
spam. I believe you'll be feeling a bit of nostalgia with this one!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[SOL]
SERVO: Wow, that was her longest laugh yet!
*movie sign*
MIKE: Oh, we've got Stupid Spam Thing Sign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike, Crow, and Servo enter the theater]
>Subject: Here it is
MIKE[Tom Stewart]: ...your moment of Zen.
>From: M M sifs...@earthlink.net
>Date: 02/11/2000 5:06 PM Eastern Standard Time
>Message-id: <38A48942...@earthlink.net>
>
>HOW TO TURN SIX DOLLARS INTO SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS:
CROW: Step one: Find a color photocopier...
>READING THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
SERVO: FOR THE WORSE!
> IT WORKS!
>WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH AN EXTRA $1,500.00 OR MORE NEXT MONTH?
MIKE: That wouldn't even cover taxes nowadays.
>JUST DO IT, THEN GO BUY WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
CROW: Hey, that's a subliminal Nike advertisement!
>
>I found this on a bulletin board and decided to try it. A little
>while back, I was browsing through newsgroups, just like you are now,
>and came across an article similar to this that said you could make
>thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of
>$6.00! So I thought, "Yeah right, this must be a scam", but
>like most of us,
SERVO: Don't pretend that you know what most of us would do.
>I was curious, so I kept reading. Anyway, it said
>that you send $1.00 to each of the 6 names and address's stated in the
>article.
MIKE: If they really wanted to sell me on this, they'd have to do a better job
with
their grammar.
>You then place your own name and address in the bottom of
>the list at #6, and post the article in at least 200 newsgroups.
CROW: Congratulations, you just pissed off over 1,000 Usenet users!
>(There are thousands) No catch, that was it. So after thinking it
>over, and talking to a few people first, I thought that I would try it.
MIKE: Those few people wouldn't happen to be your most brainless friends,
would they?
>I figured: "what have I got to lose except 6 stamps and $6.00,
>right?"
SERVO: You're forgetting that your address is now all over the Internet.
>Then I invested the measly $6.00. Well GUESS WHAT!?...
>within 7 days, I started getting money in the mail! I was shocked!
CROW: And we're shocked to find out that you were able to include that in this
letter, which you sent out SEVEN DAYS before you got the money!
MIKE: Do they really think we're this gullible?
>I figured it would end soon, but the money just kept coming in. In my
>first week, I made about $25.00. By the end of the second week I had
>made a total of over $1,000.00! In the third week I had over
>$10,000.00 and it's still growing. This is now my fourth week and I
>have made a total of just over $42,000.00 and it's still coming in
>rapidly.
SERVO: So...four weeks after she sent us THIS letter, she got the money.
CROW: Your head's not going to explode, is it?
SERVO: No, I can understand the flawed logic behind this.
CROW: Really.
SERVO: Well... no.
>It's certainly worth $6.00, and 6 stamps, I have spent more
>than that on the lottery in one MONTH!!
MIKE: Great! We're taking advice from a compusive gambler.
>Let me tell you how this works
>and most importantly, WHY it works... Also, make sure you print a copy
>of this article NOW, so you can get the information off of it as you
>need it.
CROW: Jeez, okay, Mr. Bossy!
>I promise you that if you follow the directions exactly, that
>you will start making more money than you thought possible by doing
>something so easy! Doing something is always better than doing nothing..
SERVO: Unless that something is KILLING SOMEBODY.
>
>Suggestion: Read this entire message carefully! (print it out or
>download it.)
MIKE: Suckers! I'm the ILOVEYOU virus in disguise!
>Follow the simple directions and watch the money come
>in! SET IT DOWN, THEN READ IT THE NEXT DAY..
CROW: Uh...okay. [leaves]
[Mike and Servo look at each other.]
MIKE: Hey, we do what we're told.
[They leave too.]
PEARL[in Surroundsound]: GET BACK IN THOSE SEATS, TOM-GREEN-FOR-BRAINS!
[All re-enter]
SERVO: Jeez, sorry.
>
>It's easy. It's legal. And, your investment is only $6.00 (Plus
>postage)
>
>IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off; it is not indecent; it is not
>illegal; it is not X-RATED, and it is 99% no risk - it really works!
>If all of the following instructions are adhered to, you will receive
>extraordinary dividends.
SERVO: Are these lines required for all chain letters?
>
>PLEASE NOTE:
>Please follow these directions EXACTLY, and $50,000 or more can be
>yours in 20 to 60 days. This program remains successful because of
MIKE: ...our mob influence.
>the honesty and integrity of the participants. Please continue its
>success by carefully adhering to the instructions.
CROW[menacing]: Or else.
>You will now become part of the Mail Order business. In this business
>your product is not solid and tangible, it's a service. You are in
>the business of developing Mailing Lists.
SERVO: Wait, this is starting to sound familiar...
>Many large corporations are
>happy to pay big bucks for quality lists. However, the money made
>from the mailing lists is secondary to the income which is made from
>people like you and me asking to be included in that list.
MIKE: So it's bribery all around!
>Here are the 4 easy steps to success:
SERVO: Get a job, make money, gain a large business porfolio, and then
partner-up
with Bill Gates.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>STEP 1: Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on
>each piece of paper "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST." Now
>get 6 US $1.00 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 pieces of
>paper so the bill will not be seen through the envelope (to prevent
>thievery).
CROW: Holly crap, this is the SAME EXACT SPAM THAT WE READ TWO YEARS AGO!
SERVO: No, only parts of it are the same.
CROW: I don't care! This is really really irritating!
MIKE: Hey, I never read this before.
SERVO: I think we all know why, Mike.
MIKE: Um...no.
CROW: I don't either, Servo.
SERVO: Hmm...on second thought, *I* can't remember why you didn't read it with
us, either.
CROW: So what do we do?
SERVO: Simple, Crow: Go back in time to find out!
CROW: I mean if we already read it, then can we leave?
PEARL[booming]: I don't think so, Tinker-Toys. If you had such a hard time
with
it before, then a *revised* version should be even more painful! BWAHAHAHAHA
[inhales] AHAHAHAHAHA!
[Pearl's laughing causes feedback]
ALL: Aaaagh!
PEARL: -Ahem- Sorry.
>Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal
>them. You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, each with a piece of
>paper stating the above phrase, your name and address, and a $1.00
>bill.
MIKE: Now burn them and do it again.
['Bots do a double-take]
>What you are doing is creating a service. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
>LEGAL!
CROW: Would you care to back that up with some proof, please?
SERVO: This is really an elaborate scheme to jail everybody stupid enough to
participate.
>You are requesting a legitimate service and you are paying for
>it! Like most of us I was a little skeptical and a little worried
>about the legal aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S.
>Post Office (1-800-725-2161)
SERVO: And they said "No." But it's still perfectly legal!
>and they confirmed that it is indeed
>legal. Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses:
>
>#1)E. Haynes
>3629 Edgar St.
>
MIKE: Gullible Idiot Number One.
>#2)M. Molina
>807 Siesta Loop
SERVO: Do these people realize their names are being broadcast to thousands
worldwide?
CROW: Maybe we should cover up their names so that the people reading this
MiSTing
won't put their locations to bad use.
SERVO: Yeah, right, Crow. We can trust our loyal readers, can't we?
[Eerie dramatic music plays]
SERVO[eerily]: Can't we?
>
>#3)J. Cremeens
>242 Pingree Ct.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but that name just has too many "e"'s in it.
>
>#4)L. Johnson
>85 Atherton Circle
SERVO: There's always one Johnson.
>
>#5)M. Burche
>853 Riva Ridge Blvd
CROW: Um...I can't think of anything.
MIKE: Mmmh...me neither.
SERVO: Next!
>
>#6)M. Maxwell
>1128 Palafox Dr. NE
MIKE: I've got to get out of here.
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is behind the counter.
MIKE: If everybody says we've read this before, then why can't I remember it?
C'mon, Mike, think!
[Mike thinks]
[Mike thinks some more]
[Mike is still thinking]
MAGIC VOICE[now heard clearly because her unit is right there]: I know why you
can't
remember, Mike.
MIKE: You do? Why?
MAGIC VOICE: Two years ago, you were able to escape the Satellite. Don't you
remember?
MIKE: Wait, I thought our show wasn't supposed to have any coninuity.
MAGIC VOICE: Well, it's got a lot of it.
MIKE: Doesn't that break the rules set by the staff at Best-
MAGIC VOICE: Don't break another rule, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, right. The Fourth Wall... Anyway, what happened?
MAGIC VOICE: When the Satellite crashed into the Pacific Ocean back in 1998,
you
were able to escape. Pearl brought in a pizza delivery boy...the same boy whose
job you filled at Torgo's Pizza.
MIKE: That's right! I remember now! There was some other guy here while I was
making a lousy five-fifty an hour! But you know what this means, don't you?
MAGIC VOICE: Uh...no.
MIKE: That means some other lucky shmuck is making *my* five-fifty an hour!
MAGIC VOICE: Mike, you're not focusing.
MIKE: I don't care! I've got to find a way to free us all! It's the only
sane thing I can do!
MAGIC VOICE: Mike, you've been trying to free us for seven years.
MIKE: Well, I really mean it this time! Somehow I'm going to use your
Auto-Return
Unit to return us to Earth, settle down, and enjoy our lives!
MAGIC VOICE: Well, I wish you luck.
MIKE: Thanks.
*commercial sign*
MAGIC VOICE: Oops, I missed my cue. Commercial Sign now.
MIKE: That's okay, Magic Voice. Soon you won't have to say that at all.
[dramatic fade-out]
[commercials]
---
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org
---
"I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me"
-Sonic Adventure
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une