[MiSTing] Dinobot's Old Technology ERA:JOEL TYPE: TOON
EmarZero
MUT 3000: Dinobot's old technology
By Hooper-X (Emar...@aol.com)
"Dinobot's old technology" originally by MG-Dinobot
<First Season theme, lah dee dah>
<Doors 'n Dogbone>
JOEL (yay!) enters from right, carrying an enormous tool kit. SERVO and CROW
are nowhere to be seen.
JOEL: <flustered> Phew. Oh, hi. My name's Joel, and this is my great big
living room in space. This is where the Evil Overlords sent me, so I could
watch bad movies...
<Three old "Transformers" toys, Trypticon, Sky Lynx, and Omega Supreme, all
toddle in across the desktop. "Toddle" is the operating term, as the three
figures have primitive "walking" actions that amount to little more than
lumbering.>
JOEL stares at the toys.
JOEL: Um... Okay. Anyway...Drs. Forrester and Erhardt should be calling any
minute, and <rummaging through the toolbox> I ..um... can't... seem to find...
my invention for the... Invention Exchange....
<Mads Sign flashes>
JOEL: Hm. <JOEL hits the button> Yes, sirs, what's the good word?
<Deep 13>
FORRESTER: Hi there, Joel-li-oh. Where's your invention for this week,
monkey-boy?
ERHARDT: Yeah, ours is gonna blow YOURS out of the water, regardless, so you'd
better just give up, and show it to us, because ours is better, and we're gonna
send you a bad movie if you don't, and...
<FORRESTER jabs ERHARDT with a cattle prod.>
FORRESTER: Stop.
<SOL. JOEL looks sickened>
JOEL: Sir, you are one of the most inhumane beasts I have ever met. My
invention this week <reaching into the toolbox, and coming up with a little
green button> is my "Car Horn X-2000." It'll revolutionize driving. Have you
ever been stuck in traffic, and gotten really mad at the car in front of you,
and you blew your horn to let them know it?
<DEEP 13. ERHARDT is smoking. Literally.>
MADS: Yeah, and?
<SOL>
JOEL: Well, sometimes, the car in front of that car is the one going too
slow,or whatever. This car horn travels faster than sound to the offensive
car, and then stops, so only the offending car hears your horn. What do you
think?
<The Transformer toys have gotten about 1/8th of the way across the desktop.
They're making nasty "small, battery-driven motor burning up" noises.>
<DEEP 13>
FORRESTOR: Cute, but not damaging enough. Here's our invention, Jo-lene. As
you know, action movies are very popular. We decided that, in addition to this
experiment, we would try our hand at cloning, as well. So, we took DNA from
all the great action heroes. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, Chuck
Norris...
ERHARDT: Joe Don Baker, Don Knotts, Burgess Meredith, the list goes on!
<chuckle>
FORRESTER: And THIS was our result. The Ultimate Action Hero. <Pro wrestler
Rob Van Dam steps out, clad in a jumpsuit.> Our ultimate ass-kicking machine.
ERHARDT: We named him Frank.
FORRESTER: Quiet, you! Frank, show Joel-Bob some of your moves.
<"Frank" does a quick repartee of kicks, punches, and leaps, uttering catchy
and slick "action" phrases all the while. Then, he stops abruptly>
FORRESTER: Excellent work, Frank.
FRANK: I'm the whole f'n show.
FORRESTER: Yes, Frank. That's nice. Now, back to your cryo-chamber.
FRANK: No way, Jose. YOU go to the cryo-chamber.
FORRESTER: Oh dear. Larry... take care of Frank while I tell Joel about this
week's experiment?
<SOL. JOEL looks on, dumbfounded. We can hear Larry getting his ass kicked
over the monitors>
<The Transformers are a sixth of the way across the desk. Trypticon falls
over.>
FORRESTER: (V-O) This week, you're getting a special treat! A Transformer
fanfic! It's called "Dinobot's old technology," and makes no sense whatsoever.
Have fun, jumpsuit-boy.
<Lights flash>
JOEL: AAAah... we've got fan-fic SIIIIIIIGN!
<Doors, theater. CROW and SERVO are already seated.>
SERVO: Hey, Joel.
JOEL: Hey guys. I swear, the Mads get weirder and weirder every week... they
had this clone kickboxer guy...
>Dinobot's old technology
CROW: Or, "Me Grimlock LOVE 8-Tracks!"
>In the Maximal base
ALL: <sing> "Our base, in the middle of our street..."
>Optimus try to contact Dinobot.
ALL: <sing> "Contact! It's the moment! It's the reason, that everything
happens!"
>Optimus: Dinobot, do you receive me?
SERVO: <Dinobot> Why, Cheetor, you *shouldn't* have... I don't need a new
Optimus!
CROW: <Primal> But I'm sure you can... use me...
>it's Optimus.......
JOEL: Prime!
>Dinobot....SLAG!!!
SERVO: Well, yeah, Slag IS a Dinobot, he's the triceratops.
>No answer, but why he dont answer?
>Rattrap: huh, maybe chopper face have changer his activation code again.
ALL: What?!
SERVO: I think he said his motorcycle won't work...
>Cheetor: SHUT UP rattrap you know that Dinobot will not be back
CROW: Ever. Mwhaha!
JOEL: Stop it.
>with the Predacons again. Megatron is too mad.
>Rattrap: hooooooo...
SERVO: Thundercats....HOOOOO!
>sure Megatron is mad, but I think he's not the only one, you know what I'm
>saying!
ALL: Um... no.
>Optimus: Shut up Rattrap. Cheetor, try to found Dinobot on the sector
>110 to 210 and I'll try to found him on the Predacons ground.
JOEL: And on this ground, I will found my Dinobot.
>Cheetor: Understood.
>Optimus: Rattrap, Silverboalt
CROW: <TMBG> "I took my Boalt for a caarrrr..."
>and you will stay at the base, we'll be in touch.
SERVO: <Hugh Downs> We'll keep in touch, so you'll be in touch.
>Optimus and Cheetor going outside, try the found where Dinobot is.
>Predacons ground "near the base"
JOEL: "Near the base," but not really near the base... sorta near.
>Dinobot: rrrrr.....I think the time is come for the final battle of my
life...mmmm...
CROW: <Homer Simpson> Donuts....
>I know that I will die, but if my calcule are right,
SERVO: I *really* blew my SATs...
CROW: So did the author, apparently.
JOEL: You kidding? I don't think this guy's gotten past "Dick and Jane" yet!
CROW: No, I think he's gotten "Dick" down.
JOEL: Crow... You want a RAM chip, don't you?
<CROW shuts up>
>less than 10 steses pods had not crashed to the earth during the alien
blast.
JOEL: It's an alien blast of savings, at Menard's!
CROW: C'mon by, free steses pods for the kiddies!
>Dinobot transform and go to the Preds base.
JOEL: He's got a big date.
SERVO: <sings> Misery daaate, are you ready for your misery daate?!
>In the Preds base
>Megatron: Mmmmmmm...
CROW: <Homer> Cheese....
SERVO: Hey! No fair! Joel, he cheated!
JOEL: Crow, you know that's cheating. Now behave.
>Well, well...now that Rhinox is death,
SERVO: What? Rhinox is DEATH?
ALL: <sing> "C'mon, baby, don't fear the reaper!"
> we have a great advantage, yessss...
CROW: Joel, why does he say that?
JOEL: What?
CROW: <imitating> "yessss."
JOEL: So we won't get him confused with the other Megatron.
SERVO: You mean the cool one?
JOEL: Yeah.
>Inferno: Sure the royalty have always the advantage.
SERVO: Whoa. Inferno finishes a line without "BURRRRRN!"
CROW: Nice to see this guy isn't resorting to catchphrases for laughs...
>Megatron: Eeee...Yesss...
JOEL & SERVO: What was that, Crow?
CROW: Aw, hexagonal nuts.
>Preds computer: ALERT, ALERT, Maximals detected in the base.
JOEL: <Megatron> Oh bother, Dinobot must want his hibachi grill back...Tell him
I'm not home, yes!
>Megatron: WHAT!? PREDACONS TERRORIZE!!!!!!
JOEL: Terrorize their own base? What good will THAT do?
SERVO: It's a catchphrase, Joel. Live with it.
JOEL: I still like "Transform, and ROLL OUT!" better.
CROW: Or, alternately, "Decepticons, RETREAT!"
SERVO: By the way, Joel, how was the race going on the bridge?
JOEL: Huh? Oh, that robot thing? I think one of them fell over... I didn't
notice.
SERVO: Aw, man...
CROW: Oh yeah! You're gonna owe me ten RAM chips!
JOEL: Neither of you know where I hide the RAM chips... Or *DO* you?
SERVO & CROW: <assorted "Of course nots!" and the like>
JOEL: I think we'd better get out of here... C'mon, guys.
<Doors THEN Dogbone.>
<The desktop. The Transformers are halfway across, save Trypticon, who is a
smouldering wreck.>
TOM: <voice over> Aaaaaand Trypticon has fallen! Trypticon is disqualified!
CROW: <voice over> It looks like Sky Lynx is in the lead by a nose, and the two
remaining racers are coming up on the finish line fast!
<JOEL enters, and stops to look at the toys.>
JOEL: Oh, neat.
<JOEL picks up Sky Lynx and fiddles with him.>
SERVO: <voice over> JOEL! HEY! Put it BACK! Put it BACK!
<CROW can be heard laughing.>
JOEL: Hm? Oh. Right.
<JOEL sets Sky Lynx back where he was. Omega Supreme is about an inch ahead of
Sky Lynx now.>
<SERVO hovers out onto the desktop, followed by CROW>
SERVO: HEY! This isn't fair! I demand a re-do!
CROW: Oh, stop whining, you big baby! <singsong> Servo's a baaaby, Servo's a
baaaaby!
SERVO: BWAAAAH!
JOEL: QUIET! You two need to calm down. I'm going to do something about your
griping.
<dissolve pan. When the screen focuses, we see JOEL, and a strange sight. It
is SERVO, sitting nestled in CROW's mesh thingy.>
JOEL: There. Now just to switch them back on...
TOM SERCROW: AH! I LIVE!
JOEL: Oh, brother.
SERCROW: SILENCE, MORTAL. YOU DARE QUESTION SERCROW?
JOEL: Well, yeah.
SERCROW: OH. IN THAT CASE.
<SERCROW "disengages," mainly via Crow leaning forward so that Servo falls off
his head.>
CROW: What was the point of THAT, Joel?
JOEL: Well, I figured that if you two shared a single mind you might get along
better.
<lights, etc.>
JOEL: AAAAAH! FANFIC SIGN!
<Doors, you know the deal.>
CROW: So, when Servo and I combine, do our respective strengths combine?
JOEL: I don't think so.
>Waspinator, Rampage, Inferno, QS, BA and Megatron transform.
JOEL: Obviously, Quickstrike and Blackarachnia will play pivotal roles in THIS
fanfic.
CROW: <as Quickstrike> Sugar-bot!
>I want that invader found, and if you found it, DESTROY IT!
CROW: So um... who said that?
TOM: I think we better leave that unsaid.
>QS go to his quarters for charge his venom, but Dinobot is waiting for
>him. Dinobot jump on QS, take his sword and insert it
CROW: WHOOOOA! I don't even *need* to comment!
JOEL: Thank god....
>on QS. One down, 5 to go.
>Inferno: Mmmmm...When I'll found that stupid Maximals, he will BURNNNNNNN....
TOM: Anyone else see the irony in the fact that the original Inferno was a fire
fighter, and the new one is a psychotic pyromaniac?
CROW: Nah. Inferno is cool, tho.
>Dinobot: We will see who will burn insect!
JOEL: With a magnifying glass.
>Inferno: WHAT!!! The traitor! Prepare to burnnnnnn...for the royalty.
TOM: Well, now that we're SURE which Inferno we're dealing with...
>Inferno take his gun and fire at Dinobot, but Dinobot block his shot
>with his rotate blade, but Inferno have damaged Dinobot
>anyway. When Inferno's gun are finish, Dinobot blast him with his
>lazer!!!!
CROW: Lazer Tag!
TOM: *The* most entertaining way to get shot down by a law enforcement
official!
CROW: Lazer Tag!
>Waspinator and BA have hear the sound of the blast!!!
ALL: <singing> "Hello violence, my old friend, I've come to talk with you
again..."
TOM: Ah yes, the Sounds of Violence.
>They run and fire
>at Dinobot! Dinobot is badly hurt but take cover and
JOEL: Wet himself.
>finally blast Waspinator, but BA waiting for him with her machine gun.
CROW: You know, I think this MG-Dinobot guy decided to call Blackarachnia "BA"
because he *knew* there was no way in hell he could *ever* spell her name.
JOEL: Very astute.
>Dinobot finally decide to jump on her
BOTS: OH YEAH! WOO HOO!
>and blast her.
BOTS: Awww.
>Dinobot is badly hurt but he decide to finish the Preds for good.
>Rampage appear: Hahahaha...You will be destroy lizard head. Dinobot jump
>on Rampage and blast him with his sword
JOEL: Nice tag!
>but Rampage shoot him with his mega-cannon before.
TOM: Before WHAT?
CROW: Before he could find some scrap of a point to this fanfic.
>Well, Dinobot had blasted all the Preds except MEGATRON.
TOM: <as the narrator from "Dukes of Hazzard"> Weeel, them Duke boys had plum
blasted all them ding danged Predacons....
>Suddently,
ALL: <Gasps of shock/suspense>
>Megatron appear.
CROW: Look! It's Satan!
TOM: Nah, that's just "Snake" from "The Simpsons" in a bad Halloween outfit.
CROW: <as Megatron/Snake> Yesssss.
>Megatron: hoooo!!!Dinobot!!!!How nice to meet you!!!! But the next time,
you should take an appointment!
JOEL: You know, that would have been funny if it had been worded properly.
CROW: Or made something resembling SENSE.
>Yessss...But unfortunatly for you, I dont think it will have a next time.
Yesss...
TOM: Are we DONE yet?
>Dinobot "hungry": TALK FOR YOU!!!
ALL: The HELL?
CROW: "Talk for you?!" What does THAT mean?
JOEL: I think he meant "speak for yourself..."
TOM: Servo "bored": SUCKS FOR US!
>He take his rotate blade and jump on Megatron and hurt him with it. But
Megatron strike Dinobot, he fall.
ALL: <sing> "Cause I'm freeeeee, free fallin'...."
CROW: <as original Megatron> Fall! FALL!
>Megatron: hahahahaha...A little rotate blade! Against a Transmetal! I think
not! Megatron charge his lazer cannon on maximal
TOM: Megatron at "Maximal" power: Irony or bad writing? You decide.
>power and fire at Dinobot. BOOM!!!!!
JOEL: SHAKA LAKA!
<CROW and SERVO Do the Dinosaur.>
BOTS: BOOM BOOM! SHAKA LAKA BOOM BOOM!
>In that time, Optimus have heard the blast and enter in the Preds base.
CROW: Bypassing a shield generator, lava floes, about fifty autoguns and a
complex defense web.
>But when he see Dinobot's body...without life...
TOM: <Monty Python> Bereft of life, it has rung down the curtain and joined
the choir eternal! It is PUSHING UP THE DAISIES! This is a DEAD RAPTOR!!
JOEL: You know, "raptor" spelled sideways *IS* "parrot."
CROW: Coincidence or just stupidity, you be the judge!
>He understand what was happened.
JOEL: "What was happened..." I used to LOVE that show... Rerun was cool...
TOM: What in the WORLD are you talking about?
CROW: Yeah, whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?
>Optimus: nooo.........You lived like a warrior ans died to an hero.
CROW: This fanfic lived like a lemon ans died to an pointless piece of drivel.
>Optimus take Dinobot's body back on the Maximals base and destroy it, WITH
HONOR!
TOM: And a case of M-80s.
CROW: And Napalm.
JOEL: And hopefully, an end to this story...
>END
ALL: <cheering>
<Doors and Dogbone>
<The desktop. Trypticon is a black, smoking pile of slag. Sky Lynx and Omega
Supreme are nowhere to be seen, but their motors can be heard, still griding
away.>
<Enter JOEL and BOTS>
JOEL: Well, we survived THAT one.
<CROW lets out an anguished yelp>
CROW: The RACE! NO!
TOM: Oh no! Looks like you owe me ten RAM Chips, Crow.
CROW: The devil you say!
<CROW lunges at SERVO>
CROW: BWAAAH!
<JOEL steps between the two>
JOEL: QUIET. Now, let's all be good little droids and play the RAMChip game,
okay?
<BOTS nod in assent.>
JOEL: Crow, care to explain the RAM Chip game to our readers at home?
CROW: Sure. We, the robots, have to say a good thing about the fanfic, and a
bad thing about the fanfic. If we do, Joel, our white male oppressor will
bequeath a solitary RAM Chip to us, the plebian workers.
JOEL: Thank you, Comrade Crow. Just for that, Servo gets to go first.
TOM: Alright! Good thing about the fanfic: No author avatars! BAD thing
about the fanfic: <ahem> Servo "hungry": RAMCHIP FOR ME!
JOEL: Very good, Servo. Now, Fidel CasCrow, it's your turn.
CROW: Ahhh... Good thing about the fanfic... No humans! <JOEL looks cross>
BAD thing about the fanfic: It was, for all practical purposes, a blatant
rip-off and re-write of "Code of Hero," one of the BEST dang "Beast Wars"
episodes EVER.
JOEL: Alright, you both get a RAM Chip.
<Mads light flashes>
JOEL: Well, sirs, what do you think?
<DEEP 13. ERHARDT is in a body cast. FORRESTER is covered in very fake blood
and holding a shotgun.>
FORRESTER: <breathing heavily> Hello...<gasp> Joel-bowl. <wheeze> "Frank"
proved to be too... <ahem> rambunctions, and <cough> Larry and I <hack> had
to...<choke> ...put him down.
<SOL. JOEL looks distraught. SERVO and CROW are doing *something* behind
JOEL>
JOEL: Sir, that's just sick.
<DEEP 13>
FORRESTER: Thank you!
<SOL. SERVO and CROW have formed SERCROW.>
SERCROW: Joel Robinson. You will give us all your RAMChips.
JOEL: Jeeze.
<DEEP 13>
FORRESTER: Well, it looks like YOU have problems of your own,
Primacron-gone-wrong, so... until next time, Echowarrior!
*BLORP!*
CREDITS:
JOEL ROBINSON- Joel Hodgson
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER- Trace Beaulieu
CROW T. ROBOT- Trace Beaulieu
DR. LARRY ERHARDT- Josh Weinstein
TOM SERVO- Josh Weinstein
FRANK- Rob Van Dam
Special thanks to: MG-Dinobot, Team World's Worst, Heather A. Moulton, Neale
Davidson, Zack "The Mack" Hogan, WARendfeld, Teachers of America, Bob Forward,
Larry DiTillio, Bruce Campbell, Bradley "Lodi" Cain, Sam Raimi, John Woo, Kevin
Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Everyone at the Dysfunctional Family Circus
<www.spinnwebe.com/dfc/>, Kurt Vonnegut, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Paul
Simon, Art Garfunkle, John Flansburgh, John Linnell, Madness, Blue Oyster Cult,
Rey Misterio, Jr., all Lucha Libre stars, whoever sang that old "Mystery Date"
song, Children's Television Workshop, all the MiSTers out there, all the
Transfans on all the newsgroups, everyone at TF: The Lost Years MUSH
<tly.mudservices.com: 5000>, Gary Coleman, Bill Goldberg, The Ambiguously Gay
Duo, The Jackson Five, Harlem Heat, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Diamond
Dallas Page, Chris Jericho, Jason Lee, BLACKLABEL Skateboards, Ric "Woooo!"
Flair, Elvis, Momma, Hasbro Toy Group, Mainframe Productions, Alliance
Entertainment, Claster Syndication, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Scott McNeil.
Hoop's Note: Thanks for reading my first MiSTing. "Dinobot's old technology"
has become sort of a "legend" with Transformer fans, first surfacing on the
.Net around mid-1997. Heather, I love you.
Keep Circulating the Stories!
Optimus: nooo.........You lived like a warrior ans died to an hero.
"Blue-Jackal's right -- it's time we made these flamers' lives a misery!"
-Me, "The Alt.Toys.Transformers, #75"
To e-mail me, Never Mind the Bollocks.
MST# 9997 (I kid you not.)