NEW KTMA MSTING: "The Lapiak Chronicles"
Weretorgo Classic
1- Bear in mind while reading this MSTing that I followed a strict KTMA ethic.
All of the riffs were improvised on the FIRST reading of this fic. The only
revision came RIGHT after I typed a riff - after I moved on, it was too late.
2- The host segments are also run-throughs with only very slight revisions.
3- I am using a 80-line width. If your browser doesn't support that, you're
probably using some fucked up Macintosh or Apple ][, and I have no sympathy
for you.
4- The following is a sample of my line width. It should fit entirely on your
screen. If it does not, then this entire fanfic will read horribly on your
computer, and I can't say I have too much sympathy for you. Conform to the
mass standards, or die. Computer Darwinism.
===============================================================================
DID THAT WORK?
BEARING THE PROCEEDING IN MIND...
[SOL]
[JOEL and the BOTS behind the desk]
JOEL: Hello, welcome to today's show, fine viewers.
CROW: [to SERVO] You owe me twenty dollars!
SERVO: [disgruntled] Fine, fine, you win, I'll give you the money once I get
to the diode bank.
JOEL: [confused] What's going on? Crow, Servo, have you been gambling?
CROW: Well... kind of...
JOEL: [sternly] You have some explaining to do, young robot.
SERVO: [stepping in for CROW] It's not his fault, Joel!
JOEL: What do you mean it isn't? And what were you betting on anyway!?
SERVO: Oh, I couldn't help myself! Crow gave me fifty to one odds! Who was I to
pass the oppertunity up!?
JOEL: What oppertunity?
SERVO: I bet twenty dollars that you'd insult the viewers and bash Cambot over
the noggin with a chair, like in the WWF!
JOEL: [exasperatedly, to CROW, SERVO doesn't hear] Crow, what did I tell you
about scamming poor Servo?
CROW: [thinking] Umm...
SERVO: [ignoring this exchange] Maybe he'll give me good odds that we'll have
commercial sign now.
JOEL: [to himself and Cambot] Oh, I see a way to right what is wrong.
CROW: [to SERVO] Sure, double or nothing that we have commercial sign within
ten seconds.
JOEL: [sing-songly] "Oh, boys..."
CROW: Yes, my creator?
JOEL: "I believe that we have commercial sign!"
CROW: Oh, darn! Joel, you sure tricked me. However did you come up with that
idea?
JOEL: [proudly] Elementary, my dear Watson and Crick. I merely eavesdropped in
upon your little conversation, and--
CROW: [Interrupting] --Ten! Servo, I win!
SERVO & JOEL: [simultaneously] What!?
JOEL: [to CROW] You have bested me again, my old nemesis. But the war--
[commercials]
[GIZMONICS]
[DR. E and DR. F are standing at the console]
DR. E: [to DR. F] --And to make a good day *better,* I found an incredibily
terrible fanfic for him to read! [hands DR. F a printout]
DR. F: [touched, accepting the printout] Oh, Larry... you *shouldn't* have...
DR. E: [giggling] Oh, but I did. It's my way of saying "thank you" for picking
up SST Death Flight a while back.
DR. F: Oh, but I told you to think nothing of it.
DR. E: I don't want to hear about it, Clay... it's a gift from me to you.
DR. F: Okay, okay. Let's try it out. [to camera] Come in, Corn-Joelio!
[SOL]
JOEL: Reporting in alive and ready, sirs.
[GIZMONICS]
DR. F: I was given a *wonderful* gift from a *very special* mad scientist...
[he elbows DR. E playfully] It's your fanfic for this week! [he reads from the
cover page of the printout] "For Joel and the Bots. These fanfics are written
by a deaf woman, using her own, ahem, "interpretation" of the English language.
To make the stories *more* incomprehensible, she isn't a native English
speaker. To make them *totally* incomprehensible, she's Polish."
DR. E: [to camera] It's because I care that I do this.
DR. F: [to DR. E] You're too good for us. [to camera] Enjoy!
[SOL]
JOEL: Fanfic sign!
[doors]
[theatre]
>
>
>
>
>
> A Deformed Beauty
> Copyright 1995 Jolanta Lapiak, mer...@mernix.com
[they enter]
>
> David, a 34-year-old successful American businessman, sits in his old
> apartment suite in Moscow for his breakfast.
SERVO: So is he back in the USSR?
> He sipped his cup of hot
> coffee, thinking about this 18-year-old Russian girl, Katarina, at his
> work.
CROW: Yeah, you know, the Ukraine girls really knock him out.
> Katarina recently graduated from high school and was hired as a
> secretary
> in an America-Russia telecommunication company.
JOEL: So I take it she left the East behind?
SERVO: [under his breath] It's actually "west"...
>
> Dave sipped his coffee again, thinking seriously about a potential
> long-lasting relationship with this incredibly beautiful girl.
CROW: Yeah, you see, in another three years she'll be 21, and by then she just
won't make him "click".
> He
> pondered about his past non-committal relationships with girls in
> the America.
SERVO: *Which* America?
> As a frequently-flying busy businessman, he decided that
> it would be better for him to have dates only for he enjoyed series
> of sexual relationships without commitments.
JOEL: He's enjoying a new, active lifestyle, with his *hair*!
> It was no problem. Time
> had changed in his age.
CROW: [sarcastically] No, *really!?* I should *hope* so!
> His old boss was married to a beautiful young
> Russian model. His another American co-worker had a new beautiful
> Russian girlfriend.
SERVO: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Faith Popcorn declares, "marrying
Russians suddenly 'in'"!
>
> Dave fell in love with Katarina at first sight when they were
> introduced
> for the first time.
JOEL: [reminiscing] Kind of like his parents... only his parents fell in love
at first sight when they were introduced the *second* time.
SERVO: Love is a many splendoured thing.
> Her beauty was striking him. Her blue eyes
> glittered
> with long lashes brightly reflected her flawless cream skin.
CROW: Maybe she should consider going easier on the mascera...
SERVO: Yeah, my mother always told me, "if other people can see themselves in
your eyelashes--"
CROW: Servo, you don't have eyelashes. Or a mom.
> Her dark
> brown sikly hair flowed gracefully as she walked. Her body curved
> nicely.
> She was the most beautiful girl Dave had ever met, he thought.
JOEL: [sinsterly] Or so he *thought*...
>
> Dave got up from the breakfast and grabbed his coat and suitcase. Time
> to go for work. I'm going to ask Katarina for a dinner today before anyone
> else grabbed her, Dave thought.
SERVO: "Time may have changed in his age," but I see that the women
are still getting grabbed a lot in the workplace.
>
> Dave cheered good morning to Katarina who sat in her secretary office.
> He
> paused for a little chat. A little conversation went well as Katarina
> seemed to show her interest in him. Dave decided to go ahead asking her
> for a dinner. I am an American wealthy man that any Russian girl
> probably
> is willing to marry anyway, Dave thought. Katarina accepted his offer.
CROW: Ah-HA! Proving him... [puzzledly] right.
>
> As time went so fast, Dave and Katarina dated frequently, he proposed
> and
> she accepted, and they married. Katarina received her resident
> citizenship in the America.
JOEL: *Which* America!?
> She cooked for Dave everday, cleaned up
> their mansion,
SERVO: It took both Dave's mail-room paycheck *and* her secretarial bonus to
afford that home.
> washed clothes, and attended to cocktail parties with Dave who
> beamed with proud, holding her in arm. Dave truly enjoyed that: a
> mansion, wealth, a converter,
CROW: "Time may have changed in his age," but I see he still hasn't purchased
a cable-ready TV.
> a wife, and a family - not yet.
>
> A idea of having a child, especially a boy, attracted Dave who would
> like to spend time with a special person in the family.
JOEL: Yeah, apparently "time changed a lot in his age" - he used to consider
his wife worthy of pride.
> He'd enjoy brining
> him toys, teaching him business things, educating him in a fine school,
SERVO: In "the America"!? You've *got* to be kidding me.
CROW: *Which* America?
> and
> enjoying kisses and hugs at home from work.
JOEL: His boss can only be around *so much*.
> Katarina and Dave agreed to
> have a baby.
>
> Several months later, Katarina became noticably pregant.
CROW: Wow, just like magic.
SERVO: Just add water!
> Dave brought
> her to work, cocktail parties, and friends' home.
JOEL: Oh, this is really different from before, when he... [puzzledly] brought
her to work, cocktail parties, and the homes of his friends...
> Katarina glamoured her
> beauty with attractive bumpy stomach.
SERVO: A *bumpy* stomach? Looks like someone got *this* Gremlin wet!
> Everyone commented how beautiful
> his wife was. How attractive she was. Dave was so proud with his
> successes.
CROW: Umm, Dave? They're talking about your *wife.*
> Although, Dave knew Katarina's beauty wouldn't last for a
> few
> decades but she was very young enough to last her beauty.
JOEL: That sentence did a good job of lapping itself.
>
> On ninth month of Katarina's pregnancy, water broke out and Dave rushed
> her to a hospital. Several hours later, a tragic news came.
SERVO: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Faith Popcorn declares, "No longer
trendy to marry Russians!"
> A baby
> girl was
> born with birth defects, known as Goldenhar syndrome. Shorter arms and
> legs, four fingers, dislocated nose, and other minor defects.
ALL: [sympathetically] Aww...
> Although,
> a baby girl has a beautiful personality.
SERVO: [cheering up] Oh, well that brightens things up-- HUH!?
CROW: Well, because-- WHA!?
[commercials]
> Avenger by Mer...@belcom.net, April 11, 1993
JOEL: So, who does the belcom toll for?
SERVO: It tolls for thee, Joel.
>
> One blue Monday morning, Sophia, who has finally made her
> determination over the last weekend, decided to skip her work.
CROW: [sarcastically] How *daring*!
> Instead of going to work, she drove recklessly to a friend's
> workplace for a short visit.
SERVO: *This* took her the weekend to plan out?
>
> Sophia parked her Chrysler Laser in the underground parking
> lot. Leaving her handbag behind in the car,
CROW: Oh, there's a helpful plot point.
> She rushed to the
> elevator and pressed a button for the thirteenth floor. She stood
> and looked up anxiously at the blinking numbers until she got up
> to the 13th floor where her friend worked.
JOEL: [sarcastically] Oh, we all know how many American skyscrapers have a
13th floor.
> She dashed passing her
> friend's office. Meanwhile, Joseph sitting relaxedly with his
> legs crossed on his desk,
SERVO: Ahh, the Mantis position.
> caught a glimpse of Sophia in
> disbelief.
>
> Joseph yelled, "Hey! Was that you, Sophia?"
CROW: [as Sophia, sarcastically] No, I left.
> He straightened
> up. Sophia heard and walked backward a few steps. She peeked over
> the door.
JOEL: Kilroy is here.
>
> "Good morning, Joseph. Blue Monday today, isn't it, eh?"
> twistedly grinned Sophia.
SERVO: [sarcastic] Oh, she's an ironic master of the dark, that Sophia is.
> She came in.
>
> "Not really. Good to see you again. What's up? What the hell
> are you doing here?" inquired Joseph.
CROW: [as Joseph] My personalities have all spoken.
>
> "Well, just a thought about visiting you for--"
>
> "Aren't you going to work today? Isn't there something wrong?"
JOEL: [as Joseph, puzzled] There *should* be, unless Scarface has been sleeping
on the job again...
>
> "Seems things are getting all right. Pardon me, I need to...
> where is the restroom?"
>
> "Go straight to the end on left from here."
>
> Sophia thanked Joseph and rushed out.
CROW: Umm, Sophia, that's the closet. The bathroom is on the *left*.
> Sophia entered the
> women's toilet, looking around anxiously. A few women washing
> their hands glanced at her. Sophia slipped silently into one of
> the toilet booths near the sliding window. There she sat on the
> toilet seat, waiting for the women to leave.
SERVO: [as narrator] Then, when they left, she got the gun that Sonny had
planted behind the flush-lever...
> A few minutes later,
> she heard nobody; she peered through the slit of toilet door. She
> slowly slipped out and looked over the window.
JOEL: Oh, yes, I like my bathrooms with big picture windows...
> She squinted her
> eyes against the bright sun as she slid the window to the left.
JOEL: [continuing] ...Windows that *open,* at that.
CROW: Yeah, and without screens.
> She lifted herself onto the sill and sat down. She closed her
> eyes and breathed deeply. I must be relaxed, she thought.
SERVO: Yeah, you wouldn't want to slip and fall before you had a chance to
jump.
> She
> stood up and gently stepped on the ledge. She moved aside to the
> left like a crab. A few people below spotted her and screamed for
> help. The police was reported shortly afterwards.
>
> Four minutes of silence later, as soon Joseph heard about
> it,
JOEL: We have a winner, 'most surreal sentence of the month'.
> he dashed to the window in women's restroom.
>
> Joseph thrust his head over the window on right side,
> "Please, Sophia. Don't do that! I want to help you, no matter
> what. Please! What's wrong? Please!"
CROW: [as Joseph] Please! Answer me! Please! Wash your hands! Please!
>
> "There is no way to help out," mumbled Sophia.
>
> More people were gathering below. Some of them were anxious,
> frightened, or covertly excited. Sophia didn't want to give those
> delighted people a thrill, she thought. But, she has to keep her
> promise.
SERVO: So, on the one hand she doesn't want to jump, but on the other hand...
she does?
> She didn't give a damn care about it and let those have
> a thrill, she thought. Police cars and firefighting trucks
> arrived. She pondered at those below in silence. Quickly, she
> turned her head at a woman who popped out of the window on her
> left side.
JOEL: [as Sophia] Shhh! Don't you love the silence?
>
> "Hi, I'm Bethy. I am a forensic psychologist. I'm here to
> try anything to help you. Is there any wish we can give?"
>
> "Yes," flatly toned Sophia.
CROW: Be careful, I smell a trap.
JOEL: Yeah, like if you wish for more wishes they all disappear...
SERVO: And don't try to put them in a safe, either...
JOEL: And don't wish to become a 'hearie'.
>
> Joseph whispered, "Would you care if I call your husband--"
CROW: [as Joseph] --A fat sissy?
>
> "No! Don't call him! Or, I will jump down right away. I must
> warn you: if you or any other person furtively call Robert, or if
> I see his fuck face here, I will jump down at once. No argument.
> No negotiation, period! It would be all too late for you guys, no
> matter what. That's it," loudly grunted Sohpia.
JOEL: Geez, stop complaining, threatening, and grunting!
BOTS: Yeah, jump already!
>
> Joseph turned over his shoulder to the experts and warned,
> "We must be cautious that Robert must not be presented in her
> eyes or she will jump down promptly.
JOEL: [as crowd] We know who Robert is and what you're talking about! Don't
worry!
> I am not sure whether we
> should call Robert or not.
SERVO: [as Joseph] I want to check if I'm in her will or not before we call
him!
> However, if so, we must keep him and
> even his voice away from her!"
>
> "Let's relax and talk about what you are comfortable with,"
> begged Bethy.
CROW: What a dedicated psychologist.
>
> "Sophia, we will not let Robert know about it, but I want to
> help you, please. Is there any trouble with your relationship,
SERVO: No, it's just fine! She doesn't want to see his f--k face around again,
is all! It's a sign of endearment.
> job, family, or anything? Please let me bring you in and talk
> things out. Okay?" softly toned Joseph.
>
> Sophia sighed and wiped away her dripping tears after an
> hour of crisis.
JOEL: An hour? Boy, time sure flies when you're having fun.
> Finally, she slowly offered her hand. Joseph
> moved over the sill and crabbed aside. A firefighter held his
> hand from the window. Unfortunately, he was unable to reach
> Sophia's hand. Another one brought a thick rope and handed it to
> Joseph.
SERVO: [as fireman] Here, use this to hang her, and everything will go away
much quicker!
> Joseph moved aside further and reached Sophia's hand. He
> grabbed her hand firmly.
>
> "Let's move back together. Be slow and easy," encouraged
> Joseph.
JOEL: I think he wants her to take it easy, baby.
CROW: Take it as it comes?
SERVO: Yeah, she's moving much too fast.
>
> Sophia gripped Joseph's hand and grunted angrily in a short,
> sharp tone, "This has been planned intentionally!"
CROW: [to Sophia] So you mean you don't oftentimes find yourself about to
commit suicide on a spur-of-the-moment-whim?
>
> Joseph gasped in confusion and lost his control temporarily
> that he accidentally dropped his rope.
>
> Sophia quickly spoke in anger, "Your wife and my husband are
> gonna suffer for their unfaithful, unloyal actions. We are
> going to jump together in rest of peace and have them torture for
> it!."
SERVO: What do you mean, 'tortured for it'!? They'll be free to carry on with
their affair!
>
> "Why is that? I'd forgive her for any rea--" mumbled Joseph.
> His eyes widened in shock, realizing what his wife had cheated on
> him.
JOEL: Oh, I think he's a hypocrite!
>
> Sophia fiercely pulled Joseph away and jumped down with him.
>
> "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
CROW: [sarcastic] What an *uplifting* ending to a *wonderful* story.
>
>
JOEL: Come on guys, let's go.
[doors]
[SOL]
[JOEL and the BOTS are behind the desk.]
JOEL: [to BOTS] All right, guys, now I'm going to quiz you on the events of
today. The topic: Jolanta Lapiak. First question: What is the prevaling element
in the work of Lapiak?
SERVO: Umm, death?
JOEL: [offscreen] Judges? [pause] No, Mr. Servo, I'm afraid we're looking for
a broader level here.
CROW: Oh! Despair?
JOEL: Right you are, Mr. Crow. Second question: What often provides the subtle
undercurrent in Lapiak's work?
SERVO: Despair!
JOEL: Way to go Tom Servo. Question three: What seems to be the motivating
factors for Lapiak in her body of work?
CROW: Umm... despair?
JOEL: No, Crow, I'm afraid we need more detail.
SERVO: I'll take it: Despair, an almost hateful disregard for obvious rules of
the written English language, a need to blatently insult the readers'
intelligence at every possible place, more despair, the dadaist movement,
and a compelling urge to treat stale soap-opera plots as if they were strokes
of genius?
JOEL: Right you are, Mr. Servo. Final question: What would almost any normally
intelligent reader feel after reading a typical Lapiak story?
CROW & SERVO: [together] Despair laced with confusion!
JOEL: Right you are! [MADS light blinks] So what do you think, sirs?
[GIZMONICS]
DR. E: What do we think? I'll tell you what we think! We think that you're
being a little *dark* today!
[SOL]
[JOEL & THE BOTS look in on camera]
JOEL: Lapiak will do that to one.
[GIZMONICS]
DR. E: Yeah. Whatever.
DR. F: [handing DR. E some papers] File these under "Results of JFK
investigation." [to camera] Until next time, poopies!
===
WRITTEN BY THE WERETORGO
(c)1999
STARRING
Joel Hodgson as himself
GUEST VILLIANS
Trace Beauleiu as Doctor F
Josh Weinstein as Doctor E
PUPPETS
Trace Beauleiu
Josh Weinstein
Kevin Murphy
Comments, questions, requests can all be mailed to
to...@nettaxi.com
Please try to phrase your email like an intelligent human being
On a slightly different note... the following people have been crucial factors
to my MSTing developement. Be it through encouraging words, friendship, vague
resentment, or just plain being seen.
Joe B.
Michael N.
SR, MH, Jackie, Gabe
CN
MI, who fostered an important area of my wit
JA, who gave kind words, friendly suggestions... and then vanished coldly
Kolya, departed but never forgotten
All the people who have been kind enough to read and enjoy a MSTing of mine
Crystal Anne, who fostered my start
and BBI.
For giving The Show.
> Although,
> a baby girl has a beautiful personality.
(c)1999
CURRENT LISTING OF MSTINGS WRITTEN OR EDITED BY THE WERETORGO:
==============================SEASON 1 {1998}==================================
[WT-101] Saturday {ALTR}
[WT-102] Saturday II {ALTR}
[WT-103] Magic Holidays {ALTR}
[WT-104] S.M.: Alpha {ALTR}
[WT-105] power2people {ALTR}
[WT-106] The 7th Fleet {JOEL}
[WT-107] Past, Present, and Future I {ALTR}
[WT-108] Spam Endurance Challenge I {ALTR}
==============================SEASON 2 {1999}==================================
[WT-201] Questions {KTMA}
[WT-202] Past, Present, and Future II {ALTR}
[WT-203] The Voyage to Jakeeb {KTMA}
[WT-204] Past, Present, and Future III {ALTR}
[WT-205] The Lapiak Chronicles {KTMA}
================================PROVISIONAL====================================
[WT-206] (Either 20A or 20B) {ALTR}
[WT-207] ??? {KTMA}
[WT-20A] Past, Present, and Future: Chronicle {ALTR}
[WT-20B] "All Through the Night" {ALTR}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
KEY TO ERAS:
{ALTR} = ALTER [Mike and the Bots, with the season 6 Mads, but with 199x
continunity.]
{JOEL} = JOEL [Joel and the Bots with season 3-5 Mads]
{KTMA} = KTMA [Joel and the Bots, with the season K-1 Mads]
Joe Blevins
>
> AUTHOR'S PREFACE:
>
> 1- Bear in mind while reading this MSTing that I followed a strict KTMA ethic.
Which is one of the things I like about your KTMA mistings -- the
authentic free-wheeling, carefree, "to-hell-with-it" feel.
> All of the riffs were improvised on the FIRST reading of this fic. The only
> revision came RIGHT after I typed a riff - after I moved on, it was too late.
>
> 2- The host segments are also run-throughs with only very slight revisions.
<cool Misting of painful fic snipped>
"Thank you, Weretorgo, for making us laugh at despair... again."
--Joe--