[MiSTing] The Neelix Claus part two: "Merry Christmas Mr. Chakotay"
Tjats
episode 208 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(if you want to.)
In the not-too-distant future
In a castle near Iran
Pearl Forrester and her two sideckicks
Were hatchin' up a nasty plan.
They found Mike Nelson, who had escaped
Through a pizza order which they had faked
They decided to put him back in his place
So they stuffed him in a rocket ship and shot him into space!
(MIKE: No!!! Not again!!!)
"I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst I can find! (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And I'll monitor his mind!" (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try and think of a way out
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT! ("Hit it!")
GYPSY! ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO! ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Go get a degree in physics
Or really just relax!
for Science Ficiton Theater 1,000,000,000!
[Open on wide shot of SOL. Below on Earth a nuclear cloud is rising over
Europe.]
[SOL int.] Mike, Servo, Crow and Gypsy are watching the explosion.
MIKE: Ooh.
CROW: Aahh.
SERVO: Coooool.
GYPSY: Neat.
CROW: Wait, I thought I gave you the day off.
GYPSY: Plot hole.
MIKE: Mrs. F? You okay?
[Castle Forrester] The remains of the castle lie scattered. Pearl, Bobo and
Observer are
on the ground sobbing.
PEARL: Oh, Mike! Look at what Jim did! He managed to escape my dungeon and
blew up my
ancestrial home! And I just got it sided!
OBSERVER: Bobo, you stupid, stupid ape! How could you let Jim past you?
BOBO: But it was such a tasty banana!
PEARL: While I pick up the pieces down here, you're watching the second part
of "The Neelix
Claus"! Go away! [breaks down in tears]
[SOL]
MIKE: Hey, for once I didn't blow something up!
-movie sign-
ALL: FANFIC PART 2 SIGN!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]
> Subject: NEW: "Merry Christmas Mr Chakotay" VOY PG-13 [J/C, 1/1]
> From: "marion" <mar...@tesco.net>
> Date: 11/30/1998 2:13 PM Eastern Standard Time
> Message-id: <73uqpg$irb$1...@epos.tesco.net>
>
MIKE: Do we really care about any of this?
SERVO and CROW: No.
> TITLE: Merry Christmas Mr Chakotay
CROW: Hey, the abbreviation for that is MCMC! Hahahaha.
SERVO: Shut up.
> SERIES: VOY
MIKE: Vocals Of Yodeling?
CROW: Volkswagon Of the Year?
SERVO: Vichy OleY?
MIKE and CROW: Huh?
> AUTHOR: Suz suz...@yahoo.com
> RATING: PG-13
> CODES: J/C, 1/1
MIKE: Jets versus Comets, 1 to 1.
> DISCLAIMER: Characters are still Paramounts. Even more humbug.
CROW: If you're a scroge, don't write Christmas stories.
> SUMMARY: Continues from 'The Neelix Claus'. Involves a Santa outfit, a
> Captain, a Commander, a Doctor, and a broken ankle.
SERVO: Last time on a very sepcial "As the Galaxy Turns"
>
> Feedback??
MIKE: Why, you playing an electric guitar?
>
> *
>
SERVO: Voyager's viewscreen shoud have more stars than that.
> One drowsy eyelid slowly worked its way open, soon followed by its partner.
CROW: And then they did the tango!
> The eyelids opened even further as the owner of the eyelids realised where
> she was. The last thing she remembered was falling to the floor of
> Chakotay's quarters...so why was she now on his bed?
MIKE: It's one thing to do it with your first officer, but it's another to not
even remember
doing it.
>
> Slowly, fearfully, she turned her head. He wasn't lying next to her.
MIKE: Oh. I'm wrong.
SERVO: Not necesarily, Mike. He might have just gone to get some coffee.
> Exhaling heavily in relief, she turned her gaze slightly to the doorway,
> through which she could see him sleeping on the couch.
CROW: Staring David Duchovny as Commander Chakotay.
> It didn't look
> particularly comfortable. And she knew it didn't feel particularly
> comfortable, after having fallen asleep on her own couch one too many times
> from staying up too late working.
SERVO: 400 years in the future and the couches still aren't comfy?
>
> Yet she couldn't move. The only motor control she seemed to have consisted
> entirely of moving her eyelids and her head. There were a few other things -
> breathing for example - but that was instinctive. Moving her head back, she
> closed her eyes.
MIKE: And the fanfic started over again.
>
> Then she remembered.
SERVO: Out with it! Come on!
>
> Neelix.
>
SERVO: She did it with Neelix?!?
MIKE: I think she means that Neelix gassed her in the first part of the story.
> That furry little Talaxian was going to *pay*.
>
CROW: Janeway planning revenge on one of her crewmembers? This is science
fiction fiction!
> The thoughts of revenge caused her to open her eyes again, only to find
> Chakotay looking down at her.
>
MIKE[as Chakotay]: You were great last night, Kathy.
> Her formally tired body felt as if an electric shock had passed through it.
SERVO: Probably because the commander was holding a taser to her thigh.
> Her eyelids opened to their fullest extent, her mouth opened to emit a gasp,
> her heart started pounding, the adrenalin flowed freely through her
> bloodstream, and her whole body jerked upwards.
>
> Chakotay wasn't nearly fast enough in his own reactions to prevent himself
> from getting injured.
CROW: She slapped him! Go, captain!
>
> The top of Kathryn's head connected with his chin, which caused him to
> tumble backwards towards the wall next to the bed. His arms swung out, but
> he didn't have time to catch himself on anything.
CROW: Oh, please. Slapping him would have been better.
> Kathryn futily reached out
> her own hand, but it was too late. He connected loudly against the wall
> before thumping to the floor.
MIKE: All this connecting! What are they, LEGOs?
>
> Both hands gripping the side of the bed, Kathryn peered over the edge of the
> mattress to observe the damage. He didn't seem to be moving. She hit her com
> badge.
CROW[as combadge]: Ow! You know, you don't have to hit me quite so hard!
>
> "Captain to transporter room one. Medical emergency. Two to beam directly to
> sickbay!"
SERVO[as Scotty]: But, sir! Intraship beaming! It's never been done before!
>
> *
>
CROW: [poit]
MIKE: Hey, who turned the fanfic off?
SERVO: I did! You wanna make somethin' of it?
MIKE: Thanks!
SERVO: oh.
> They materialised in what appeared to be the middle of a party. Loud music
> was playing, people were talking, and Christmas decorations hung from the
> ceiling.
ALL[as crewmembers]: The captain's dead! Yaaaay! Let's party!
MIKE[as Neelix]: I'm sure glad I accidentaly put carbon monixide into the
present instead of
knock-out gas! Oh, hi captain! Heh, heh....
>
> The two forms of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay materialised.
CROW: Again?
> He was
> lying on the floor in his uniform, apparently unconscious.
MIKE: A complete retelling of the old classic that you read just seconds ago.
> She was on her
> hands and knees next to him in a Santa Claus outfit.
>
SERVO: Must have been a really screwy porn video!
MIKE: All right! If either one of you talks about slapping or sex or porn I'm
throwing
you out of the theater!
> Silence swiftly descended upon the room. Someone turned off the music.
CROW: Actualy the conductor just had to take a phone call.
>
> Kathryn Janeway, having no idea at all what they found so fascinating, ran
> towards the Doctor. "Chakotay's been injured!"
>
> The EMH was immediately all business and began scanning the First Officer
> with a tricorder. The rest of the room started chuckling. Kathryn frowned at
> them and put her hands on her hips, prompting even more laughter.
SERVO: How can you *not* laugh, really?
>
> Annoyed, she glared at them. "Just what are you doing in here?"
>
> It was Ayala who stepped forward, being unusually brave in front of his
> Captain.
MIKE[as Ayala]: Who am I again?
> "Susan broke her ankle last night. We were just keeping her company
> to cheer her up."
>
CROW: So impeding the doctor's work repairing the ankle with a Christmas party
was helping?
> Turning toward biobed two, Kathryn saw that he was right. Lieutenant
> Nicoletti was sitting up in the bed. She waved at her Captain and grinned.
SERVO[as Nicoletti]: Duh, huh hi! Heuh!
> Clearly she had been drinking more than synthehol.
SERVO[as Nicoletti]: I am noht unger gee influencial of alcoholicical
beverageths.
>
> Hands still on her hips, Kathryn turned back towards the Doctor who had
> managed to get Chakotay on biobed one with the help of a few party-goers.
> "I'm surprised you'd allow this Doctor."
CROW[as Janeway]: Helping the commander during a perfrctly good Christmas
party.
>
> He rose his eyebrows as he continued to run the tricorder over Chakotay. "Oh
> I'd much rather they'd do it here. It may be *my* domain, but it makes it
> much easier for me to treat them should anything happen."
MIKE[as Doctor]: I've already had to replace twelve livers.
>
> She nodded, very relieved that he didn't seem particularly concerned about
> Chakotay's condition. It couldn't be anything serious. "What's his
> diagnosis?"
MIKE[as Doctor]: He's a male, age 34, is a descendant from the Navajo tribe of
Native
Americans--
CROW[as Janeway]: Doctor, I mean what's wrong with him.
>
> The EMH closed the tricorder and reached for a hypospray from his medtray.
CROW[as Doctor]: He needs 300mg's of LSD, stat!
> Picking up a vial, he pushed it into the instrument. "Nothing serious. He
> had a slight concussion which I've treated. He'll have a slight headache
> when he wakes up, but that's it." Pressing the hypospray against Chakotay's
> neck he activated it, and she heard the reassuring hiss.
MIKE: There's that snake again. He's everywhere.
>
> Placing both the hypospray and the tricorder on the medtray, the Doctor
> turned away from her but then turned back. He spoke. "Oh and before you go
> Captain, I would just like to say that that is an absolutely *charming*
> outfit you're wearing."
SERVO: So Neelix's plan just blew up in his face.
MIKE: Or rather, in the captain's face.
>
> Rolling her eyes at him, she ordered him to the other side of sickbay, and
> while she tried to ignore the others in sickbay she pondered over what to
> say to Chakotay when he came round. Sorry? Whoops? How are you feeling? God
> I'm so embarrassed?
CROW: Sounds good to me.
>
> And then it came to her.
MIKE[as Janeway]: Maybe if I say "Sorry, whoops, how are you feeling? God I'm
so embarrassed!"
he'd feel better.
>
> *
>
SERVO: What came to her, after this.
> The pounding in his ears intensified as he forced his eyelids open, the
> bright light causing his retinas to contract. He kept his eyes open though,
> trying to see something through his blurry vision.
>
> Eventually Kathryn's smiling yet gently concerned face came into view, the
> light from the ceiling surrounding her hair like a halo.
MIKE: Then the commander is startled, knocks her down and beams her to sickbay
where a party is
happening.
> Oddly appropriate considering it was Christmas morning.
>
> She was still wearing that damned Santa Claus outfit, the one he had found
> her in when he'd finished his shift and entered his quarters. It had been no
> small surprise discovering her there, in a red and white outfit, next to a
> note telling him she was his present.
CROW: Woah, Neelix!
>
> Of course he didn't take the note seriously, and he knew she most certainly
> hadn't left it for him.
>
> Blinking, his vision cleared up completely and he did his best to smile at
> her, letting her know that he was okay. She obviously felt guilty.
>
> Pushing a strand of hair behind her ear she smiled at him almost nervously,
> shrugged, and spoke:
>
SERVO[as Janeway]: I'm yours now. Take me away!
> "Merry Christmas."
MIKE: ...Mr. Chakotay."
>
> TBC
SERVO: Aren't to be continueds supposed to be after a shocking moment?
MIKE: Only in good fanfics.
CROW: Mike, that's an oxymoron!
MIKE: Oh, sorry.
[All leave]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Crow and Servo are pulling a vice tight while Mike's head lies
inside.
MIKE: Here's some exposition: For no aparent reason, Crow and Servo are going
to try to
push my skull in as far as it can go before it kills me in order to get a slot
in the
Guiness Book of World Records.
CROW: Either that or get televised on Guiness World Records Primetime!
SERVO: Eeeeuuunngghhh! Okay, Crow, how far have we squished it?
CROW: Uh, one millimeter.
SERVO: Great! I'm sure we beat a record!
MIKE: Then could you get me out of this thing please?
CROW: Sure. [turns vice knobb]
-Mads' sign-
SERVO: No, no, Crow! The other way!
MIKE: Ow, ow, ow!
[CF] Pearl is digging around the rubble.
PEARL: Oh, where's that recipe for granny's Devils' Food Cookie Cakes?
[a cloud of mist circles above her head]
VOICE: Pearl Forrester!
PEARL: Who's there? [sees mist] Augh!
VOICE: Do not be alarmed, Pearl Forrester!
PEARL: What do you want?
VOICE: I am the sprit of your ancestors! You have failed to regain your
Forrester heritage by
driving a man insane on order to rule the world! You will now be cursed!
PEARL: Why?
VOICE: What did I just say? I curse you forever! You will never return to
Earth until you
have found the worst fanfic ever made!
PEARL: Nooo!
VOICE: Begone or else you will meet a fiery and painful death!
PEARL: Whitey, Monkey Boy! Get in the van! We're ditchin'!
VOICE: Begone!
PEARL: I'm goin', I'm goin'!
[she scrambles off to the left. We hear her starting her van and taking off.
Pan to the right,
where Jim is holding a megaphone and mist spray, laughing.]
JIM: Hahahahahaha! I'll never see her again! Good luck guys! Me bastard! I
belw it up!
Damn me! Damn me all to hell! Hahahahahaha-- what's this? [picks up an index
card] "Devil's
Food Cookie Cakes"? Yum! [walks off]
[love theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
origonal fanfic written by: Suz
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
ghostly voice: Mary Jo Pehl
and:
Jim Whaley: James A. Whaley
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended
or should be
inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
Suz
All you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1998 by Jim Whaley
[stinger]
> It had been no small surprise discovering her there, in a red and white
outfit, next to a
> note telling him she was his present.
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
other episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
101: The Cartoons Combined
102: Off-Road Brawl
103: The Odyssey
104: The New Season
201: Total Turbulence
202: The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch
203: Are You Ready to Get $40,000 in 6 Weeks with Only 8 Bucks???!!
204: Sonic Fights Robotnik 6: The Final Battle!
205: The Seminar
206: Inside the Void: King Acorn's Plight
207: The Neelix Claus Series part 1: The Neelix Claus
208: The Neelix Claus Series part 2: Merry Christmas Mr. Chakotay
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k !
***SNEAK PEEK***
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
THE DEBUT OF SFT1B SEASON ONE: THE SPECIAL EDITION!
>The Cartoons Combined!
---
>One morning Sen and Rimpy said, "Where on Earth
ALL: Is Carmen Sandiego?
---
>"To the bank," Matman cried.
CROW: Why is he crying? Did he stub his toe?
MIKE: I don't know.
---
>Then the rest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hampsters
MIKE: Were left unatended with their cage dooor open, and they all scurried
away,
never to be seen again.
episode 101: The Cartoons Combined
THE SPECIAL EDITION!
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
Jim, that Mistie
"This is where the fish lives."
"I KNOW!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"Nay, faith, let not me play a woman, I have a beard coming." -Flute the
bellows-mender
"Dreams are like TV for the mind." -me