[MiSTing] Bill Gates, Anti-Christ (Part 1 of 2)

[gad...@angelfire.com]

B i l l G a t e s , A n t i - C h r i s t
---------------------------------------------

A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly
gad...@angelfire.com
Published June 5, 1999

8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8

[Season 10 opening images and theme.]

...o...2...3...4...5...6...*

[Satellite of Love. Bridge. Crow and Tom are behind the
console, on top of which sits a computer monitor. Crow is
looking at the monitor screen; the monitor's back faces us
and it is angled so that Tom, who is off to the side, cannot
see its screen either.]

CROW: [Reading screen] "668."

TOM: Uhhhh -- the neighbor of the Beast?

CROW: Bingo! Okay, how about "1010011010"?

TOM: That's easy. The binary number of the Beast.
You should know better than to ask a robot that.

CROW: Good point. How about "656.66"?

TOM: Ummmm ... the discount price of the Beast?

CROW: Wrong! It's the Wal-Mart price of the Beast!

TOM: D'ohh, that's the same thing!

CROW: Is not!

TOM: Well, it's close enough!

CROW: Hummm. Okay, I'll give you half a point. But you
owe me when it's my turn!

[Mike enters.]

MIKE: Hey, guys. What's cooking?

CROW: Your eternal soul.

MIKE: Huh?

CROW: Just joking, Mike. Tom and I were playing "666 Jeopardy."

TOM: Yeah, we stumbled across this website--

CROW: [Reading] "http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor/lbeast.htm"

TOM: Whatever. Anyway, it lists different -- variations -- on the
number of the Beast.

CROW: I was reading some of the numbers aloud, and Tom was trying to
guess what they were. Here, Mike, you try one. "769.95."

MIKE: Humm. I'll say ... the price of the Beast with all accessories
and replacement soul?

CROW: [Taken aback] Uhhh -- yeah, that's right. How did you--

MIKE: Just a lucky guess. But what got you guys interested in
Apocalyptic topics, anyway?

CROW: Actually, we were doing a web search for another word, but I
misspelled it and wound up with all these hits for "beast"--

TOM: [Clearing throat loudly] AHEM! Anyway, Mike, I'm curious.
Do you know why 666, of all numbers, was the one chosen for
the Beast?

MIKE: Well, there are a lot of different interpretations. But
the one I remember is that 6 is the number of man --
I think because God created man on the 6th day -- and
3 or a triad is God's number, so three sixes -- "666"
represent a man, the Anti-Christ or "Beast" as the
Bible refers to him, trying to make himself God.

TOM: Huh. That's impressive recall for a human.

CROW: You must've really paid attention back in Sunday School.

MIKE: To be honest I got most of this from a book I read
back when I was growing up. It was called _The Late
Great Planet Earth_ by Hal Lindsey. It dealt with
Bible prophesies of the end times and how some people
then thought they were being fulfilled by events of
the day, and it talked a lot about the Anti-Christ.
It was pretty popular.

TOM: So did they make it into a movie?

MIKE: Actually, yeah, they did. They got Orson Welles to provide
this ominous narration and had a lot of stock footage of
missiles and bombs and atomic explosions and stuff.

CROW: Was it any good?

MIKE: Well, it's about the same level of some of the films
Pearl's sent us.

CROW: Oh. That bad, huh?

[The mads light begins flashing.]

MIKE: Ah, speaking about unholy Trinities. [Hits the
light] Good morning, Mrs. F! Or, good evening,
or whatever time it is down there at the castle.

TOM: [Whispers to Crow] I guess you could call it
"Grinch mean time."

CROW: [Whispering back] "Or mean Grinch time."

[Crow and Tom begin to chuckle and Mike quickly shushes
them.]

[Castle Forrester. Great Hall. Pearl, flanked by Observer
and Bobo, stands in the foreground. They are looking at us
and frowning.]

PEARL: I heard that, you little droidlings. [Smiles] And
guess what? Since I had our interface set on webcam
mode, we heard what you were saying about this little
cinematic blast from Mike's late great past. And since
I am *so* into nostalgia, well, this will be my treat.
Brain Guy?

OBSERVER: Yes, madam?

PEARL: I want you to go out and dig up this Orson Welles classic.

OBSERVER: Very well, madam.

BOBO: What about me, Lawgiver? Where should I go?

[Pearl looks at Bobo, opens her mouth, pauses for a moment,
then closes it and shakes her head.]

PEARL: No, too easy. Here. [Reaches down, picks up a clean shovel
and hands it to Bobo] You go out and dig up Orson Welles.

BOBO: [Excitedly] Yes, Lawgiver! [Takes shovel and exits.]

[Observer begins to exit also, but Pearl grabs his cloak.]

PEARL: Just a sec, Brain Drain. [To us] Mike, to get you and
your friends into the appropriate mood, I'd like to warm
you up with a little hellfire alert from Usenet posted by
a concerned soul that wishes to warn the world that
Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ. And this guy's domain
isn't even Netscape.com! Brain Guy?

OBSERVER: Yes, madam?

PEARL: Deep 6-6-6 'em.

OBSERVER: Very well, madam. [Looks at us and jerks head about as
"brain noise" plays.]

PEARL: Good. Since that's done, go out and find that tale of the
Apocalypse -- NOW!

OBSERVER: Yes, madam! [Quickly exits.]

[SoL. Alarms blare and light flash.]

ALL: AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!

*...6...5...4...3...2...o...

[Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They take
their usual seats.]

TOM: Nice going, Mike. You not only got us another movie, now we
have to sit through this posting, too.
MIKE: Hey! You were the one who started asking if they made a movie
from the book--
CROW: Knock it off, you two! Casting blame isn't going to buy us
anything now. Let's just hunker down and try to endure this
posting that you two caused us to have to read.
MIKE & TOM: Hey!

[The post begins rolling.]

> Subject: Bill Gates (MicroSoft) Is Not The Anti-Christ,
> But His Fore Runner

MIKE: But I thought Pearl said this guy claimed Gates WAS the
Anti-Christ.
TOM: And what does he mean by "His Fore Runner", anyway? Does he
chase the Beast's stray golf shots, or what?

> Author: eloi.7 <elo...@virgin.net>

CROW: Poor eloi 7. Maybe someday he'll get lucky.

> Date: 1998/10/07

TOM: Note that if you take the month, 10, subtract the day, 7, and
divide the year, 1998, by the difference, you get 666.
Coincidence? *You* decide.
MIKE: Nice numerology, Tom.
TOM: Thanks.

> Forum: alt.destroy.microsoft

CROW: *The* newsgroup to visit for pleasant, objective, professional
discussions about Microsoft and their products.

>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> THIS IS REALLY SPOKY

TOM: It always keeps me guessing. I never seem to know what it
is thinking.

>
> . . THIS IS FOR REAL!!!! .

MIKE: Unlike the author.

> Bill Gates is the Anti-
> Christ

CROW: Hey, I thought that in the subject he said Gates was NOT
the Anti-Christ!
TOM: [As movie announcer] Yes, Bill Gates IS the Anti-Christ in
_Omen 2000: The Gates of Hell_.

> Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here,

TOM: I think that just sent UNIX, LINUX and OS/2 readers into
laughing hysterics.
CROW: And don't forget Apple.
MIKE: Well, actually, Apple did make that alliance with Microsoft
a year or two ago where Gates bought something like
$150 million of Apple stock.
TOM: And a bit of their soul, no doubt.
CROW: Oh, dear. Forget Orson Welles; it sounds like it's time
to exhume Daniel Webster.

> I
> thought I'd just let you know these facts... Do you know
> that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III?

CROW: Really? Well, give 'em hell, Henry!

> Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III)

MIKE: [As product announcer] Introducing new Bill Gates
release three! With three times the computing power!
TOM: At three times the cost!
CROW: With three times the bugs!

> where III means
> the order of third (3rd).

TOM: Good grief, he makes it sound like a Masonic title.
MIKE: Tom, I have a feeling you don't want to start in on
Masons with this guy.

> So, what's so eerie about this
> name?

CROW: You mean aside from the eerie way it sends shivers
running up the spines of Microsoft competitors?

> OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III
> and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code
> for information interchange)

MIKE: Then shouldn't it be "ASCFII"?
TOM: Naaah, sounds like you're lisfing.

> and then ADD up all the
> numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the
> beast!!! B-66 I-73 L-76 L-76 G-71 A-65 T-84 E-69 S-
> 83 I-1 I-1 I-1 = 666 !!!!

CROW: Wait a minute, first he says that I=73, then later
he says that I=1.
TOM: No, what he did was add the ASCII codes for "BILLGATES"
to get 663, then added the 3 to make it 666.
MIKE: But if we're going to be so formal as to include the 3
shouldn't he have done "WILLIAM" and not "BILL"?
TOM: Noooo, because then it wouldn't have added up to 666.
Get with the program, Mike!

> Coincidence? Maybe, but
> take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will
> get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.21!!! Are
> you sure this is not a Coincidence?

MIKE: Yes, I am sure this is not a coincidence. Wait, no, I
mean no, I am not sure this is not a coincidence. I
mean -- ah, the heck with it.

> You decide.... MS-
> DOS 6.21 -77+83+45+68+79+83+32+ 54+46+50+49 = 666

CROW: Hey, he counted the space -- see the "32" code! And
he counted the numbers as ASCII characters and not
as digits like the "3" from Gate's name.
TOM: That's so it would come out to 666.
CROW: But that's not consistent with the Gates calculation.
TOM: So?

> WINDOWS
> 95 -87+73+78+68+79+87+ 83+57+53+1= 666

CROW: And now he excluded the space again. And where
did that "1" come from at the end?
MIKE: Let me guess, the first release of Windows 95?
TOM: That sounds about right.
CROW: But Windows 95 is getting to be old technology.
What about Windows 98?
TOM: They're working on it, they're working on it.

> Okay now for the
> good part!!!!!!

MIKE: Yeah, enough Stupid Calculator Tricks!

> For those of you who still have the OLD
> Excel 95 (not office 97) Try this out:

TOM: Log onto ebay.com and bid for a cheap upgrade package.

> 1. Open a new
> file.

CROW: This in itself is an accomplishment in many Windows
programs.

> 2. Scroll down until you see row 95.

MIKE: [As Professor from _The Mole People_] Yes, scroll DOWN,
DOWN into the document --

> 3. Click on
> the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row

TOM: So we've just highlighted a whole bunch of nothing.
CROW: Kinda like most of today's movie trailers.

> 4. Press
> tab,

CROW: or Pepsi One --

> to move to the second column. 5. Now, move your
> mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft excel 6.
> Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button
> simultaneously.

MIKE: Jeez, hold three keys down and work the mouse
simultaneously. You almost need to be a pianist to
keep up with this guy.

> 7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL
> OF TORTURED SOULS.

TOM: These are people who have developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
trying to follow along with these instructions.

> This is really eerie okay...it has a
> doom style format

CROW: Wait a minute, don't a lot of people regard Doom as
somehow satanic? How come this guy knows so much
about its format?
ALL: Hummmmmmm.

> and you can walk all around the hall
> (use your arrow keys)

MIKE: Oh, thanks for the parenthetical clarification.
Otherwise I would have gotten dirty footprints all
over my monitor.

> ...and on the sides of the walls are
> the names of the tortured souls....

TOM: You know, I haven't seen it, but I'll go out on a
limb and guess these are the names of a the Excel 95
developers.
MIKE: [As 1960's "Batman" TV show narrator] What's this!? An
eerie Easter Egg planted by prankster programmers to claim
clandestine credit?
CROW: "Easter Egg"?
MIKE: Yeah. That's what they call such cute little "undocumented
features." I've heard Excel 97 has one in the form of a
flight sim with programmer credits written on monoliths.
CROW: Still, it seems kinda weird. Eloi 7 may have a point.
TOM: Oh, Come on, Crow! Let's apply Occam's razor here. What's
more likely; that this is a prank by egotistical Microsoft
programmers with too much time -- not to mention money -- on
their hands, or that it is a supernatural clue that the
company CEO is in fact the Anti-Christ?
CROW: Hummm. When you put it that way, it does simplify things.
TOM: Ah, good.
CROW: Yep. Eloi 7 has unmasked the Beast!
TOM & MIKE: WHAT!?
TOM: Criminy, Mike, this is odd even for Crow. Check him out.
MIKE: Oh -- okay... [Leans over and fiddles with Crow's head.]
CROW: HEY! -- OW! -- WATCH IT! --
MIKE: There. [Sits back in his seat] Feel better now, Crow?
CROW: Hey, yeah! Thanks, Mike!
TOM: What was wrong with him?
MIKE: He just had a screw loose.
CROW: I'm sorry, I think I've got amnesia from the last few seconds.
Did I say anything really stupid?
MIKE: Hummm -- not much more than normal.
CROW: Well, I'm glad to hear -- hey!

> 8. NOW WALK UP THE
> STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN,

CROW: Then put your right foot in,
then put your right foot out --

> FACE THE BLANK WALL AND
> THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to
> reveal another Secret passage,

MIKE: What, this guy just *stumble* across all this stuff?
TOM: I don't know, but I want him as my partner the
next time we play team D&D.

> walk through the passage
> and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!),

TOM: Translation: This guy has the hand-eye coordination
of Gerald Ford.

> when you get
> to the end, you will see something really eerie....

CROW: What?

> At
> this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world

MIKE: Translation: A few geeks on Usenet.

> have verified that it is a real eye opener.

TOM: You mean like in _A Clockwork Orange_?
CROW: But just what *is* it that he's talking about?
MIKE: I guess you'll just have to go out and find one of
those "countless witnesses" and ask.
TOM: Or go buy an old copy of Excel 95.
CROW: Oh, great. It wouldn't surprise me if this whole
thing is a plant by some guy trying to *unload*
old copies of Excel 95.
MIKE: Hey, Crow, that's not a bad idea!
TOM: Have you considered working for Microsoft's
Marketing division?

> It could be a
> joke by MS programmers or is it?......

TOM: Or ... IS IT? BwaaAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!

[To be continued...]

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