[MiSTing] - "$50,000 IN 90 DAYS!!! AS SEEN ON TV"
Scott Moran
any length, and maybe a bit rough, but comments are always welcome.
-STM
"A playground where apes evolved from men?!"
___________________ __________
| /\ O /\| |/\ O |
| /\/ \_______/\/ | | \_______| Widescreen. Get
|/ \ _\ /_/ | | _\ /| the big picture.
|____\_________/____| |\_________|
W I D E S C R E E N PAN & SCAN
- http://students.cec.wustl.edu/~sm6/widescreen -
Scott Moran
[1...2...3...4...5...6]
[SoL. Crow is wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat and smoking a pipe. He
paces about on the bridge as Joel enters, playing with a yo-yo.]
JOEL: Hiya, Crow. Say, what's with the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
CROW: [dramatic British accent] SOMEone has eaten my last Hot Pocket!
I will not rest until I have discovered the culprit! Robinson,
the game is afoot!
JOEL: Sounds like fun! [looks at camera] We'll be right back.
[Commercial Sign]
[SoL. Joel and Tom look on as Crow elucidates his findings.]
CROW: ...the dastard could have entered the kitchen by scaling the
iron
grating at the exact point where the spike-top is missing! The
only other alternative is to enter through the secret passage
from
the conservatory, but only the craftiest of villains would DARE
attempt such a feat! Now, I have narrowed my list of suspects
to
three. The first: Lady Chatterham, the butcher's mistress. She
had motive and opportunity, and her opera-gloves would conceal
her
incriminating fingerprints. The second: the Constable's
nephew...
JOEL: [interrupting] Crow?
CROW: He... [breaks character] Huh?
JOEL: I ate your Hot Pocket.
CROW: You did?
JOEL: Yeah. Sorry, buddy, I thought you'd eaten all of yours and that
I had one left. I didn't mean to. I'll get you a new package,
okay? Meatballs & Mozzarella?
CROW: Yeah, okay. Thanks, Joel.
TOM: But I didn't get to be the working-class Scotland Yard detective!
I had it all ready: [Cockney accent] Well, 'e can't 'ave gotten
far, Holmes. The blackguard's gotta be 'round 'ere someplace...
JOEL: Okay, guys, Tinky and Winky are calling. [hits Mads button]
[Deep 13. Frank is pulling the starter cord on a large machine.
Dr. Forrester berates him.]
DR. F: Come on, Frank, PULL! What do I pay you for?
FRANK: You don't pay me anything...
DR. F: Well, remind me to start paying you so I can dock your pay!
[He notices Joel.]
DR. F: Ah, hello there, guy and dolls! Let's get this invention
exchange
out of the way and get down to business, shall we? Mine needs
a
minute to warm up, so go ahead, would you, boobie?
[SoL. There is a small widget on the counter with a screen attached.]
CROW: You there! Ever felt like a complete outcast because you didn't
have all the latest trivial gossip about the entertainment
world?
Ever been ostracized by your friends because you didn't know who
was going to play Wolverine in the new X-Men movie?
TOM: Well, now those days are over, because...
JOEL: We've invented the Ain't-It-Cool-Newsreader! Now you can get
all
the hearsay and speculation on the Ain't-It-Cool-Newsgroups all
over the world! There's aint-it-cool.movies.starwars.episode2,
aint-it-cool.reviews.premature, aint-it-cool.rumors.*, which has
like 2403 groups...the list goes on and on!
CROW: Hey, it says here on aint-it-cool.movies.spiderman.conjecture
that they're gonna get Dolph Lundgren for Eddie Brock, and
Gloria
Stuart for Aunt May, and they're gonna have a love scene!
ALL: Thanks, Ain't-It-Cool-Newsreader!
JOEL: You're up, sirs.
[Deep 13. The machine is chugging away now.]
DR. F: Now then, when you're an evil genius, sometimes there's just
too
much to do. How to keep productivity up with only 24 hours in
a
day? You could hire a useless assistant [he glares at Frank,
who shrugs and wanders off], or you could use the Evil-Doer!
[He approaches the machine as it belches black smoke.]
DR. F: Simply press this button, and the Evil-Doer will automatically
do
something evil to someone, somewhere. Sure, you may not see
the
results of your misdeed, but you'll sleep better knowing you've
hurt someone.
[He presses the button. A few lights flash, and the machine clunks.]
FRANK: [offscreen] Hey, what happened to The Dukes of Hazzard?
[Dr. F chuckles evilly as Frank wanders back on screen, wheeling a
computer on a cart.]
DR. F: And now, for your experiment...a blustery primer on how to set
your money free and hope it comes back to you, uh, eventually.
It's a little short, but make no mistake...the brevity will not
dull the pain. [chuckles] Send them the e-mail, Frank.
FRANK: [types] Fwd: thought U guyz might like this...N-joy! :P
[clicks Send]
[SoL]
JOEL: That was a pretty good Basil Rathbone you had going there,
though.
CROW: Actually, I was going more for Commander Data's interpretation
of
Holmes, but...
[Warning lights and alarms--it's email sign!]
ALL: AAAAH! WE GOT E-MAIL SIGN!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1]
>Subject: $50,000 IN 90 DAYS!!! AS SEEN ON TV
>Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 12:37:09 -0700 (PDT)
CROW: A date that will live--
JOEL: No, that's too easy.
>From: MyOt...@excite.com
TOM: My Other Private Idaho.
>To: Future, Milio...@wolfenet.com
JOEL: I'm impressed already.
CROW: I wanna be a Milionier.
>You can earn $50,000 or more in the next 90 days sending e-mail,
>seem impossible?
JOEL: Seem run-on...
>Read on for details (no, there is no 'catch')...
TOM: It's all on the up-and-up, see?
>"AS SEEN ON NATIONAL T.V."
CROW: Yeah, Jerry Springer is seen on national TV too.
>Thank you for your time and Interest.
>This is the letter you've been hearing about in the news lately.
JOEL: The Unabomber manifesto?
>Due to the popularity of this letter on the internet, a major nightly
>news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of
>the program, described below, to see if it really can make people money.
TOM: And, which show would that be?
JOEL: Generic Nightly News, on channel X.
>The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal. Their
>findings proved once and for all that there are, absolutely no laws
>prohibiting the participation in the program.
TOM: Who needs the Supreme Court to determine questions of law
when you have Generic Nightly News!
>This has helped to show people that this is a simple, harmless and fun
>way to make some extra money at home.
JOEL: Yeah, but money for whom?
CROW: Oh, it's gonna tell us how to set up a lemonade stand!
>The results of this show have been truly remarkable. Since so many
>people are participating now, those involved are doing much better than
>ever before. Everyone makes more as more people try it out. It is very,
>very exciting to be a part of this plan. You will understand once you
>experience it.
CROW: Unfortunately, no one can be TOLD what the pyramid scheme is;
you have to see it for yourself.
>"HERE IT IS, BELOW"
TOM: "WHAT A STRANGE WAY, TO TYPE"
>================================================
>================================================
CROW: I don't get it.
JOEL: You have to read between the lines...
>*** Print This Now For Future Reference ***
>
>The following income opportunity is one you may be interested in taking
>a look at. It can be started with VERY LITTLE investment and the
>income return is TREMENDOUS!!!
TOM: They tried this in the middle ages with alchemy; it didn't work
then either.
>$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: The author's fallen asleep at the keyboard!
>If you would like to make at least $50,000 in less than 90 days!
JOEL: Come on, is that a question or isn't it?
>Please read the enclosed program...THEN READ IT AGAIN!!!
TOM: 'Cause you're too dumb to get it the first time around!
JOEL: But don't read it three times; then you might realize it's
not for real.
>$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: He did it again!
>THIS IS A LEGITIMATE, LEGAL, MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY.
JOEL: A news program has clearly established this in a court of
television.
>It does not require you to come into contact with people, do any hard
>work and best of all, you never have to leave the house except to get
>the mail.
TOM: It's an angry loner's dream come true!
>If you believe that someday you'll get that big break that you've been
>waiting for, THIS IS IT!
JOEL: [sings] I'm gonna make it after all...
>Simply follow the instructions, and your dreams will come true. This
>e-mail marketing program works perfectly...100%, EVERY TIME. E-mail
>is the sales tool of the future.
TOM: The sales tool OF THE FUTURE!
>Take advantage of this non-commercialized method of advertising NOW!!!
>The longer you wait, the more people will be doing business using
>e-mail. Get your piece of this program now!
CROW: Come on, stop thinking for yourself and jump on the bandwagon!
>MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING (MLM) has finally gained respectability.
JOEL: Its inspiring story will soon be a Movie of the Week.
>It is being taught in the Harvard Business School, both Stanford
>Research and the Wall Street Journal have stated that between 50% and
>65% of all goods and services will be sold through multi-level methods
>by the late 1990's.
TOM: He's doubling up on sentences to save valuable periods.
JOEL: This is mid-2000, shouldn't he be a little more sure by now?
>This is a Multi-Billion Dollar industry and of the 500,000 millionaires
>in the U.S., 20% (100,000) made their fortune in the last few years in
>MLM. Moreover, statistics show 45 people become millionaires everyday
>through Multi-Level Marketing.
TOM: I've got statistics, and I used the word "moreover", so I must
know
what I'm talking about.
JOEL: Never mind that it's the same 45 people every day.
>You may have heard this story before, but over the summer Donald Trump
>made an appearance on the David Letterman Show.
CROW: Ouch! The author just dropped a name right on my head!
>Dave asked him what he would do if he lost everything and had to start
>over from scratch.
TOM: [Trump] "Marry rich!"
>Without hesitating, Trump said he would find a good network marketing
>company and get to work. The audience started to hoot and boo him. He
>looked out at the audience and dead-panned his response -
CROW: [Trump] "Screw you, freeloaders!"
>"That's why I'm sitting up here and you are all sitting out there!"
JOEL: Humorous anecdotes lend so much credibility!
>With network marketing you have two sources of income.
TOM: Your real job, and the lottery.
>Direct commissions from sales you make yourself and commissions from
>sales made by people you introduce to the business.
CROW: So, whoever introduces YOU to the business gets paid for work
that YOU do?
JOEL: Shh, you're not supposed to figure that out!
>Residual income is the secret of the wealthy.
TOM: Well, that and inheritance.
JOEL: And organized crime.
>It means investing time or money once and getting paid again and again
>and again. In network marketing, it also means getting paid for the
>work of others.
TOM: Stand on the backs of the poor!
>The enclosed information is something I almost let slip through my
>fingers. Fortunately, sometime later I re-read everything and gave
>some thought and study to it.
CROW: ...but I sent it on anyway.
>My name is Ellie Gilbert.
JOEL: ...and I'm a spamaholic.
TOM & CROW: Hi, Ellie!
>Two years ago, the corporation I worked for, the past twelve years,
>down-sized and my position was eliminated.
CROW: I tried to sell my story to Scott Adams, to no avail.
>After many unproductive job interviews, I decided to open my own
>business. Over the past year, I incurred many unforeseen financial
>problems. I owed my family, friends and creditors over $40,000.. I
>just couldn't seem to make ends meet.
TOM: I robbed a few convenience stores, but that didn't help...
>I had to refinance and borrow against my home to support my family and
>struggling business.
JOEL: ...and I had to sell my car to support my crack habit...
>AT THAT MOMENT something significant happened in my life and I am
>writing to share the experience in hopes that this will change your
>life, FINANCIALLY, FOREVER!!!
CROW: She married Warren Buffett?
>In mid December, I received this program via e-mail. Six month's prior
>to receiving this program I had been sending away for information on
>various business opportunities. All of the programs I received, in my
>opinion, were not cost effective.
JOEL: They required actual work.
>They were either too difficult for me to comprehend or the initial
>investment was too much for me to risk to see if they would work or not.
>One claimed that I would make a million dollars in one year...it didn't
>tell me I'd have to write a best selling book to make it!
TOM: Hey, if Grisham can do it, anyone can.
>But, as I was saying, in December of 1997 I received this program. I
>didn't send for it, or ask for it, they just got my name off a
>mailing list.
JOEL: Much like I got yours...we're kindred spirits!
>THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! After reading it several times, to make sure I
>was reading it correctly, I couldn't believe my eyes. Here was a MONEY
>MAKING PHENOMENON.
TOM: Bigger than the Cabbage Patch Kids!
>I could invest as much as I wanted to start, without putting me further
>into debt. After I got a pencil and paper and figured it out, I would
>at least get my money back.
CROW: ...provided I found a twenty-dollar bill on the street.
>But like most of you I was still a little skeptical and a little
>worried about the legal aspects of it all.
JOEL: But that passed quickly, and I was off to the races!
>So I checked it out with the U.S. Post Office (1-800-725-2161 24-
>hrs) and they confirmed that it is indeed legal! After determining
>the program was LEGAL and NOT A CHAIN LETTER, I decided "WHY NOT."
TOM: "I'll MAKE it into a chain letter," I thought!
>Initially I sent out 10,000 e-mails. The great thing about e-mail is
>that I don't need any money for printing to send out the program, and
>because all of my orders are fulfilled via e-mail, the only expense is
>my time.
CROW: And ours!
>I'm telling you as it is, I hope it doesn't turn you off, but I
>promised myself that I would not "rip-off" anyone,
JOEL: Hey, don't use weird jargon like that, you'll confuse people!
TOM: "Rip-off"...aren't the young people saying that nowadays?
>no matter how much money it cost me.
CROW: Or how many people I annoyed, or how many inboxes I clogged.
>In less than one week, I was starting to receive orders for REPORT #1.
>By January 13, I had received 26 orders for REPORT #1.
JOEL: Starting when?
TOM: Wait, what report is she talking about?
CROW: This letter's getting ahead of itself!
>Your goal is to "RECEIVE at least 20 ORDERS FOR REPORT #1 WITHIN 2
>WEEKS. If you don't, SEND OUT MORE PROGRAMS UNTIL YOU DO!"
JOEL: "WE'RE WATCHING YOU!"
>My first step in making $50,000 in 90 days was done.
TOM: Now all I had to do was get in on the ground floor of a Silicon
Valley startup!
>By January 30, I had received 196 orders for REPORT #2. Your goal is to
>"RECEIVE AT LEAST 100+ ORDERS FOR REPORT #2 WITHIN 2 WEEKS. IF NOT,
>SEND OUT MORE PROGRAMS UNTIL YOU DO. ONCE YOU HAVE 100 ORDERS, THE
>REST IS EASY, RELAX, YOU WILL MAKE YOUR $50,000 GOAL."
CROW: That's Herbert Hoover's America!
>Well, I had 196 orders for REPORT #2, 96 more than I needed.
JOEL: I'd blown it.
>So I sat back and relaxed. By March 1, of my e-mailing of 10,000,
>I received $58,000 with more coming in every day.
CROW: At last, I could have my revenge!
>I paid off ALL my debts and bought a much needed new car. Please take
>time to read the attached program, IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!
>Remember, it won't work if you don't try it.
JOEL: So that's how these programs always go wrong with me!
>This program does work, but you must follow it EXACTLY! Especially the
>rules of not trying to place your name in a different place. It won't
>work, you'll lose out on a lot of money!
TOM: I learned THAT the hard way...
>In order for this program to work, you must meet your goal of 20+
>orders for REPORT #1, and 100+ orders for REPORT #2 and you will make
>$50,000 or more in 90 days. I AM LIVING PROOF THAT IT WORKS!
CROW: Well, not so much "living proof" as "an easily faked
testimonial"...
>If you choose not to participate in this program, I am sorry. It really
>is a great opportunity with little cost or risk to you. If you choose
>to participate, follow the program and you will be on your way to
>financial security.
JOEL: I'm getting nostalgic for Tommy Vu infomercials.
>If you are a business owner and in financial trouble, as I was, or you
>want to start your own business, consider this a good luck sign. I DID!
TOM: And look at me now! I endorse spam!
>Sincerely,
>
>Ellie Gilbert
>
>P.S. Do you have any idea what $58,000 looks like piled up on a kitchen
>table? IT'S AWESOME!
JOEL: Just make sure your auditor doesn't live next door...
>A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:
CROW: "There's a sucker born every minute."
>By the time you have read the enclosed program and reports you should
>have concluded that such a program, one that is legal,
TOM: Believe me, this is very legal! Did I mention that it's legal?
>could not have been created by an amateur.
CROW: A *professional* con artist, then.
>Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for
>10 years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the
>same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't
>working.
JOEL: Wait, another hard-luck story...this letter's lapped itself!
>Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was the economy.
TOM: I shifted the blame and it made me feel better.
>Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been
>with us since 1945.
JOEL: Disco and earth tones were running rampant.
>I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rate...
>because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more
>failures and bankruptcies than ever before.
CROW: Those were the days...
>The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing
>invested wisely and moved up.
TOM: I, on the other hand...
>Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or
>invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes,
CROW: "Early to bed, early to rise, sounds like a lot of work."
>"THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The traditional methods
>of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich".
JOEL: What is he putting those in quotes for? Does he think those
phrases are obscure?
>You have just received information that can give you financial freedom
>for the rest of your life, with "NO RISK" and "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF
>EFFORT."
TOM: Yielding "NO RETURN" and "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RESENTMENT".
>You can make more money in the next few months than you have ever
>imagined.
JOEL: [Han Solo] I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit...
>I should also point out that I will not see a penny of this money, nor
>anyone else who has provided a testimonial for this program.
CROW: That's because none of them are real people!
>I have already made over 4 MILLION DOLLARS! I have retired from the
>program after sending out over 16,000 programs.
JOEL: If it's so easy, why would anyone ever retire?
CROW: "Well, I was clickin' that Send button upwards of five, ten
times
a day...just got to be too much work."
>Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it in any way.
>It works exceedingly well as it is now. Remember to e-mail a copy of
>this exciting report to everyone you can think of. One of the people
>you send this to may send out 50,000...and your name will be on
>everyone of them!
TOM: Well, your name or the name of one of their friends...
JOEL: You mean someone might abuse this system for their own personal
gain? Say it ain't so!
>Remember though, the more you send out the more potential customers
>you will reach.
TOM: Wait, is "customers" the word I want? No..."saps", that's what I
meant..."saps".
>So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and
>opportunity to become financially independent, IT IS NOW UP TO YOU!
CROW: SO DON'T SCREW IT UP, MEATHEAD!
>"THINK ABOUT IT"
TOM: Okay, I send money to people, then try to make it back by hoping
a bunch more people DON'T just delete this spam once they...
JOEL: "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT THAT HARD"
>Before you delete this program from your mailbox, as I almost did, take
>a little time to read it and REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
TOM: Think, dammit! Am I talking to my mouse pad here, or what?
>Get a pencil and figure out what could happen when YOU participate.
JOEL: [agitated] I haven't got a pencil...what do I do?!
>Figure out the worst possible response and no matter how you calculate
>it, you will still make a lot of money!
CROW: What if no one sends me anything?
JOEL: Wait, read on...
>You will definitely get back what you invested.
JOEL: Does that put your mind at ease?
CROW: Oh, yeah. I was worried there.
>Any doubts you have will vanish when your first orders come in.
>IT WORKS!
>Jody Jacobs, Richmond, VA
TOM: Well, if Jody Jacobs says so, it's gotta be true.
>HERE'S HOW THIS AMAZING PROGRAM WILL MAKE YOU THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
JOEL: ...with RADAR!
>INSTRUCTIONS:
TOM: Lather, rinse, repeat.
>This method of raising capital REALLY WORKS 100 %, EVERY TIME. I am
>sure that you could use up to $50,000 or more in the next 90 days.
>Before you say "BULL",
ALL: BULL!
>please read this program carefully.
>
>This is not a chain letter, but a perfectly legal money making
>opportunity.
CROW: I repeat, this chain letter is NOT a chain letter.
>Basically, this is what you do:
TOM: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right
foot in, and then shake it all about.
>As with all multi- level businesses, we build our business by recruiting
>new partners and selling our products. Every state in the USA allows you
>to recruit new multi-level business partners,
CROW: Don't even TRY this in one o' them Commie countries!
>and we offer a product for EVERY dollar sent. YOUR ORDERS COME BY MAIL
>AND ARE FILLED BY E-MAIL, so you are not involved in personal selling.
>You do it privately in your own home, store or office. This is the
>GREATEST Multi-Level Mail Order Marketing anywhere:
TOM: Now it's MLMOM, the acronym's growing!
>This is what you MUST do:
JOEL: You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
>1.Order all 4 reports shown on the list below (you can't sell them if
>you don't order them).
CROW: All right! We've found a loophole out of this whole scam!
>* For each report, send $5.00 CASH, the NAME & NUMBER OF THE REPORT YOU
>ARE ORDERING, YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS, and YOUR NAME & RETURN ADDRESS (in
>case of a problem) to the person whose name appears on the list next
>to the report. MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE IN
>CASE OF ANY MAIL PROBLEMS!
TOM: That way, we'll know where to send the Viagra! heh-heh...'Cause
it's "mail problems"..."male"...heh-heh...hooh.
>* When you place your order, make sure you order each of the four
>reports. You will need all four reports so that you can save them on
>your computer and resell them.
>
>* Within a few days you will receive, via e-mail, each of the four
>reports. Save them on your computer so they will be accessible for you
>to send to the 1,000's of people who will order them from you.
JOEL: This sounds complicated...can't I just sell my old comic books
and collectible Peanuts glasses on eBay?
>2.IMPORTANT-- DO NOT alter the names of the people who are listed next
>to each report,
TOM: ...'cause they sure as hell ain't innocent!
>or their sequence on the list, in any way other than is instructed below
>in steps "a" through "f" or you will lose out on the majority of your
>profits. Once you understand the way this works,
CROW: ...let us know, will you?
>you'll also see how it doesn't work if you change it. Remember, this
>method has been tested, and if you alter it, it will not work.
JOEL: Do like we tells ya, and nobody gets hurt.
>a. Look below for the listing of available reports.
TOM: [drab] It's a smorgasboard of values.
>b. After you've ordered the four reports, take this letter and remove
>the name and address under REPORT #4. This person has made it through
>the cycle and is no doubt counting their $50,000!
CROW: They've gotten too much...we're cutting them off.
>c. Move the name and address under REPORT #3 down to REPORT #4.
JOEL: Okay...
>d. Move the name and address under REPORT #2 down to REPORT #3.
JOEL: Uh-huh...
>e. Move the name and address under REPORT #1 down to REPORT #2.
JOEL: Got it...
>f. Insert your name/address in the REPORT #1 position.
JOEL: Now you're a made man!
>Please make sure you copy every name and address ACCURATELY!
TOM: [sings] Every chump is sacred, every chump is good...
>3.Take this entire letter, including the modified list of names, and
>save it to your computer. Make NO changes to the instruction portion
>of this letter.
JOEL: Uh-oh, I think we're pretty much screwed then.
>4.Now you're ready to start an advertising campaign on the WORLD WIDE
>WEB! SEND OUT THIS LETTER (with your name added) TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS
>YOU CAN, EVEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
CROW: Come on, get out there and make some enemies!
>Advertising on the WEB can be very, very inexpensive, and there are
>HUNDREDS of FREE places to advertise.
TOM: Yeah, high-traffic areas like "L33t-d00d's k3wL hOmEpAgE".
>Another avenue which you could use for advertising is e-mail lists. You
>can buy these lists for under $20/20,000 addresses or you can pay
>someone to take care of it for you. BE SURE TO START YOUR AD CAMPAIGN
>IMMEDIATELY!
JOEL: Whatever happened to "haste makes waste"?
>5. For every $5.00 you receive, all you must do is e-mail them the
>report they ordered. THAT'S IT! ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME- DAY SERVICE ON
>ALL ORDERS! This will help guarantee that the e-mail THEY send out,
>with YOUR name and address on it, will be prompt because they can't
>advertise until they receive the report! To grow fast be prompt and
>courteous.
TOM: To grow hemp, be sly and secretive.
>------------------------------------------
>AVAILABLE REPORTS
>------------------------------------------
>***Order Each REPORT by NUMBER and NAME***
JOEL: Like an Extra Value Meal!
>Notes:
>-ALWAYS SEND $5 CASH FOR EACH REPORT
>-ALWAYS SEND YOUR ORDER VIA THE QUICKEST DELIVERY
CROW: -ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET
>-Make sure the cash is concealed by wrapping it in at least two sheets
> of paper
JOEL: Yeah, real tight security there.
>-On one of those sheets of paper, include: (a) the number & name of the
> report you are ordering, (b) your e-mail address, and (c) your postal
> address.
TOM: Social security number, credit card info...anything you wanna
throw
on there is fine.
>________________________________________________
>REPORT #1 "HOW TO MAKE $250,000 THROUGH MULTI-LEVEL SALES"
>
>ORDER REPORT #1 FROM:
CROW: ...my first alias:
>Shelley Carter
>3103 8th Ave #1203
>Gulfport MS 39501
>e-mail: Cash4...@excite.com
>
>IF you pay me by PayPal
>https://secure.paypal.com/refer/pal=cash4younow%40excite.com I will
>send you the report with in 24 hours. Join PayPal now and get $5.00
>just for joining!!!!
JOEL: I wonder how much PayPal paid for product placement in this
email.
>________________________________________________
>REPORT #2 "MAJOR CORPORATIONS AND MULTI-LEVEL SALES"
CROW: A new sitcom, this fall on ABC.
>ORDER REPORT #2 FROM:
>
>David M. Camp
>1145 Co. Rd. 600 E.
JOEL: To. mny. abbrv.
>Carmi, IL. 62821
>________________________________________________
>REPORT #3 "SOURCES FOR THE BEST MAILING LISTS"
>
>ORDER REPORT #3 FROM:
>
>Brian Pepe
TOM: They must mean my little mule, Pepe!
>1290 Burgoyne Ave.
>Hudson Falls, NY. 12839
>________________________________________________
>REPORT #4 "EVALUATING MULTI-LEVEL SALES PLANS"
>
>ORDER REPORT #4 FROM:
>
>Omega 8
JOEL: Somehow I don't think that's his real name.
>328 Cambridge Drive
>Cincinnati, OH. 45241
TOM: REPORT #5 "DEALING WITH THE DEVIL"
CROW: Make no mistake, these are four VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE and not
just
four addresses set up by one person to collect money from
suckers.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>HERE'S HOW THIS AMAZING PLAN WILL MAKE YOU $MONEY$
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Let's say you decide to start small just to see how well it works.
>Assume your goal is to get 10 people to participate on your first level.
JOEL: Man, are you aiming low...
>(Placing a lot of FREE ads on the internet will EASILY get a larger
>response.) Also assume that everyone else in YOUR ORGANIZATION gets
>ONLY 10 downline members. Follow this example to achieve the STAGGERING
>results below.
>
>1st level--your 10 members with $5.....................$50
>2nd level--10 members from those 10 ($5 x 100)........$500
>3rd level--10 members from those 100 ($5 x 1,000)...$5,000
>4th level--10 members from those 1,000 ($5x10,000).$50,000
>THIS TOTALS ------ $55,550
TOM: Say, if you look at those numbers, they sorta form a pyramid...
JOEL: I'm sure it's just coincidence.
>Remember, this assumes that the people who participate only recruit 10
>people each. Think for a moment what would happen if they got 20
>people to participate! Lots of people get 100s of participants! THINK
>ABOUT IT!
CROW: I'm thinking about you biting me.
>Your cost to participate in this is practically nothing (surely you can
>afford $20).
JOEL: Well, you reap what you sow.
>You obviously already have an internet connection and e-mail is FREE!
>REPORT #3 shows you the most productive methods for bulk e-mailing and
>purchasing e-mail lists. Some list & bulk e-mail vendors even work on
>trade!
TOM: Poor bastards...
>Over 50,000, new people, get on the internet EVERYDAY (CBS NEWS)!
JOEL: A random factoid! I'm sold!
>*******TIPS FOR SUCCESS*******
CROW: Use lots of asterisks!
>* TREAT THIS AS YOUR BUSINESS! Be prompt, professional, and follow the
> directions accurately.
TOM: Fire yourself if you're late.
>* Send for the four reports IMMEDIATELY so you will have them when the
> orders start coming in because:
JOEL: Suspense!
>When you receive a $5 order, you MUST send out the requested product
>(report) to comply with the U.S. Postal & Lottery Laws,
TOM: It's a little late to be worried about laws here.
>Title 18, Sections 1302 and 1341 or Title 18, Section 3005 in the U.S.
>Code, also Code of Federal Regs. vol. 16, Sections 255 and 436,
JOEL: Oh, wait, that's the law that forbids you from letting pigs
wander
in your front yard on the Sabbath.
>which state that "a product or service must be exchanged for money
>received."
CROW: So is a good swindle a "service"?
>* ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON THE ORDERS YOU RECEIVE.
JOEL: * BRUSH AND FLOSS REGULARLY!
>* Be patient and persistent with this program. If you follow the
> instructions exactly, the results WILL undoubtedly be SUCCESSFUL!
>
>* ABOVE ALL, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF AND KNOW YOU WILL SUCCEED!
CROW: * AND FOR GOD'S SAKE SEND THE MONEY!
>*******YOUR SUCCESS GUIDELINE*******
>
>Follow these guidelines to help assure your success:
JOEL: Delete this and get a job.
>If you don't receive 10 to 20 orders for REPORT #1 within two weeks,
>continue advertising until you do.
TOM: What, do I need to draw you a diagram?
>Then, a couple of weeks later you should receive at least 100 orders
>for REPORT #2.
CROW: If you don't, you've royally screwed up.
>If you don't, continue advertising until you do. Once you have
>received 100 or more orders for REPORT #2, YOU CAN RELAX, because the
>system is already working for you, and the cash can continue to roll in!
>
>THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER:
TOM: Wash your whites in hot and colors in cold.
>Every time your name is moved down on the list, you are placed in front
>of a DIFFERENT report. You can KEEP TRACK of your PROGRESS by watching
>which report people are ordering from you. If you want to generate
>more income,
JOEL: ...get a j-- oh, I give up.
>send another batch of e-mails and start the whole process again! There
>is no limit to the income you will generate from this business!
>PLEASE NOTE: If you need help with starting a business, registering a
>business name, learning how income tax is handled, etc.,
CROW: ...then you're in the wrong place.
>contact your local office of the Small Business Administration
>(a Federal agency)
TOM: [mobster] Cheese it! The Feds!
>1-(800)827-5722 for free help and answers to questions.
JOEL: Get a free gift just for calling!
>Also, the Internal Revenue Service offers free help via telephone and
>free seminars about business tax requirements. Your earnings and
>results are highly dependant on your activities and advertising.
TOM: Really? I thought it was mostly dumb luck.
>This letter constitutes no guarantees stated nor implied. In the event
>that it is determined that this letter constitutes a guarantee of any
>kind, that guarantee is now void.
JOEL: So, there's no guarantees, and even if there are, there aren't?
>Any testimonials or amounts of earnings listed in this letter may be
>factual or fictitious.
CROW: Well that makes me feel SO much better.
TOM: This spam's developed a conscience!
>If you have any question of the legality of this letter contact the
>Office of Associate Director for Marketing Practices Federal Trade
>Commission Bureau of Consumer Protection in Washington DC.
JOEL: How's that for a catchy name?
TOM: The OADMPFTCBCP in DC.
CROW: In 1994, three commas disappeared from a chain letter in
someone's
inbox. A year later this sentence was found.
>*******T E S T I M O N I A L S*******
CROW: Ooh, fancy!
TOM: They MUST be true!
>This program does work, but you must follow it EXACTLY! Especially the
>rule of not trying to place your name in a different position,
JOEL: ...and the rule of five-second no-tag-backs.
>it won't work and you'll lose a lot of potential income. I'm living
>proof that it works. It really is a great opportunity to make
>relatively easy money, with little cost to you.
TOM: And great cost to those around you!
>If you do choose to participate, follow the program exactly, and you'll
>be on your way to financial security.
> Sean McLaughlin, Jackson, MS
ALL: THANKS, SEAN McLAUGHLIN!
>My name is Frank. My wife, Doris, and I live in Bel-Air, MD. I am a
>cost accountant with a major U.S. Corporation
JOEL: Great, now we've got Generic Inc.!
>and I make pretty good money.
CROW: More than you losers will ever see...
>When I received the program I grumbled to Doris about receiving "junk
>mail." I made fun of the whole thing, spouting my knowledge of the
>population and percentages involved. I "knew" it wouldn't work. Doris
>totally ignored my supposed intelligence and jumped in with both feet.
JOEL: She does that a lot...keeps the cops busy if nothing else.
>I made merciless fun of her, and was ready to lay the old "I told you
>so" on her when the thing didn't work...
CROW: I love to see her fail!
>well, the laugh was on me! Within two weeks she had received over 50
>responses. Within 45 days she had received over $147,200 in $5 bills!
TOM: We had exploited the gullible and it felt great!
>I was shocked! I was sure that I had it all figured and that it
>wouldn't work.
JOEL: My Doris is so bad with money, bless her little heart!
>I AM a believer now.
TOM: Praise the spam, hallelujah!
>I have joined Doris in her "hobby."
JOEL: He crochets too?
>I did have seven more years until retirement, but I think of the "rat
>race" and it's not for me. We owe it all to MLM.
> Frank T., Bel-Air, MD
TOM: Hey, Mr. T!
JOEL: I pity the foo' who put his name higher up on the list!
>The main reason for this letter is
CROW: ...deep hurting?
>to convince you that this system is honest, lawful, extremely
>profitable, and is a way to get a large amount of money in a
>short time.
TOM: Well, it's batting .000 tonight.
>I was approached several times before I checked this out.
JOEL: The nice men offered me candy.
>I joined just to see what one could expect in return for the minimal
>effort and money required. To my astonishment, I received $36,470.00
>in the first 14 weeks, with money still coming in.
> Phillip A. Brown, Esq.
JOEL: Bill S. Preston, Esq.
>Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to make up my
>mind to participate in this plan. But conservative that I am,
TOM: ...I voted Dole, and look where that got me!
>I decided that the initial investment was so little that there was just
>no way that I wouldn't get enough orders to at least get my money back.
>Boy, was I surprised when I found my medium-size post office box
>crammed with orders! For a while, it got so overloaded that I had to
>start picking up my mail at the window.
CROW: ...until they started asking questions.
>I'll make more money this year than any 10 years of my life before.
>The nice thing about this plan is that it doesn't matter where in the
>U.S. people live.
TOM: An equal opportunity scam.
>There simply isn't a better investment with a faster return.
> Mary Rockland, Lansing, MI
JOEL: I think I went to high school with her...
>This is my third time to participate in this plan.
CROW: THIS time I'm gonna get it right!
>We have quit our jobs, and will soon buy a home on the beach and live
>off the interest on our money. The only way on earth that this plan
>will work for you is if you do it. For your sake, and for your
>family's sake
TOM: Won't somebody please think of the children??
>don't pass up this golden opportunity. Good luck and happy spending!
> Charles Fairchild, Spokane, WA
JOEL: Man, how many generic success stories can one guy write?
>ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND
>GET STARTED ON YOUR ROAD TO
>FINANCIAL FREEDOM!
>
>NOW IS THE TIME !
>
>DECISIVE ACTION YIELDS
>POWERFUL RESULTS !
TOM: REACH OVER THE TOP !
JOEL: BELIEVE IN YOU !
CROW: HANG IN THERE, BABY !
[1...2...3...4...5...6]
[SoL. Crow and Servo are surrounded by stacks of papers and easels
holding flowcharts and diagrams. Joel enters, confused.]
JOEL: Okay, so, explain this to me again?
TOM: Come on, Joel, THINK ABOUT IT!
CROW: This is your route to riches! The big break you've been hoping
and
praying for during those long, cold nights filled with bitter
and
crushing despair!
JOEL: What long cold nights? What despair?
TOM: This is a LEGAL, REPUTABLE, TOTALLY ABOVE-BOARD, ON-THE-LEVEL
moneymaking opportunity!
CROW: The plan is so simple, so elegant, so ingenious, you'll curse
yourself night and day for not thinking of it first!
JOEL: Well that doesn't sound like much--
TOM: IT'S EASY!
CROW: All you have to do is follow these simple instructions: first,
send $5 to me, Crow T. Robot, and another $5 also to me, but
care
of one Tom Servo.
TOM: Follow the instructions EXACTLY!
CROW: Then, all you have to do is send this special booklet, "Secrets
of Bilking the Ignorant", to five of your friends, and get them
to copy it and send it back to you, but NOT in the same order
that you sent it to them!
JOEL: Uh, what?
TOM: WEALTH! POWER! PRESTIGE! IT CAN ALL BE YOURS!
CROW: Then, you must send the booklets out to five DIFFERENT friends,
and have them pay $10 to the people you FIRST sent the booklet
to!
TOM: With this program, "THE POOR GET RICH AND THE RICH STAY
PRETTY RICH"!
JOEL: Guys, I don't...
CROW: THEN, the people who received the $10 send half to me, and half
back to you! Then, uh...some other stuff happens, and...you get
even more money! You'll make thousands of dollars in just a few
months! There's no way it can fail!
TOM: NOW IS THE TIME! $50,000 ALL FOR YOU!
CROW: Allow me to read a testimonial from a certain Not Crow T. Robot,
of Minneapolis...
JOEL: Guys, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna work.
CROW: Whaddya mean?
TOM: It's FOOLPROOF, Joel! IT WORKS! I'm living proof!
JOEL: Well, yeah, but how can everyone who puts five dollars into this
get back ten thousand times as much? Where is all the extra
money
coming from?
CROW: Uhh...
TOM: Uhh...
JOEL: I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like a lot of
people
are going to put money into this and not get anything back. How
do
I know I won't be one of them?
CROW: Uh-oh. He thought about it.
TOM: Damn!
JOEL: Aw, don't worry, guys, I'm sure you'll cook up a swindle someday
that everyone will fall for.
TOM: Gee, do you really think so?
JOEL: Absolutely! Just don't try so hard. When the time's right,
it'll
come. [looks at camera] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. F is looking at the computer.]
DR. F: $50,000 in 90 days, eh? What have I got to lose? Oh, uh, push
the button, Frank.
[Frank goes for the Evil-Doer button.]
DR. F: No! Not that one!
[fwoooosh...]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[credits music...]
Written by Scott Moran based on junk e-mail.
Characters and concept of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are the
property
of Best Brains, Inc. and The Sci-Fi Channel, I think. The author is
not affiliated with Best Brains, Inc., The Sci-Fi Channel, Comedy
Central, or anyone else. No copyright infringement is intended or
should be inferred. Thank you, and good night.
[Twang!]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>This letter constitutes no guarantees stated nor implied. In the event
>that it is determined that this letter constitutes a guarantee of any
>kind, that guarantee is now void.
Joe Blevins
Scott Moran wrote:
>
> I hope SOMEONE out there chuckles at this...it's my first MiSTing of
> any length, and maybe a bit rough, but comments are always welcome.
>
Am I missing something? Where *is* the MiSTing?
--Joe--
Robert Hutchinson
He messed up, and posted it (correctly) shortly afterwards. I guess it didn't
make it to you ...
Robert Hutchinson