[MiSTing] "Star Speck: Toad of Honor" (2/2)
Tjats
is adorned with collumns and white stone arches.
SERVO: And have you noticed how our door sequence is in roman
numerals this season?
CROW: Shh, we're starting!
MIKE: Hello, everyone. We decided since roman numerals are used so
abundantly in today's fanfic, we should do a tribute to the Roman
Empire.
GYPSY: So we're going to present to you, our reader...
ALL: The Satellite of Love's Rockin' Roman Review!
[Piano beat starts up. All characters scramble off the set. Mike
walks back in after a bit. Behind him the 'Bots pretend to toil
over plantation fields.]
MIKE[singing]: Oh, I'm a wealthy Roman,
I'm perfect to the tee.
I've got power, I've got slaves
As you can plainly see.
I have no worries and no shame,
I'm happy as a bee.
There's just one man named Ceaser,
Preciding over me!
[All exit. Servo comes back in carrying a worn sack over his
shoulder. Occasionaly Mike or the other 'Bots will enter and push past
him.]
SERVO[singing]: I'm but a lonely beggar,
Wandering through all these streets.
The only thing that I posess
Are just these large white sheets.
I haven't got a penny,
Lost it all to some mean cheats.
But if you want some thing from me,
I'll trade you these two beets.
[Servo exits. Gypsy enters.]
GYPSY[singing]: Yes, I'm a sweet old Christian.
I'm playing in the games.
I really hope that I will win
Or this'll be real lame.
Those nasty Roman soldiers
Locked me up, gave me the blame.
But you just wait and I'll show them
This lion's really tame!
[Gypsy charges off camera and we hear her getting mauled by a lion.
Crow enters.]
CROW[singing]: I'm Roman Emp'ror Ceaser
With me the buck stopps here.
I force all of my small subjects
To cower down in fear.
I tacked up Christ upon a cross,
And everybody cheered
For me, that guy named Ceaser.
I'm gonna get a beer.
[canned applause. The crew comes out and bows.]
MIKE: Our Rockin' Roman Review, ladies and gentlemen!
[A collumn falls over and lands on Gypsy.]
CROW: Oh, my god! They killed Gypsy!
SERVO: You bastards!
*movie sign*
ALL: MOVIE SIGN!!!
\...VI...V...IV...III...II...o
[M&TB enter the theater]
>Chapter Three
>
>"WHAT!?" CAPTAIN PICKARD SCREAMED.
SERVO: We're out of Viagra?!
>"Over my dead body!"
> "Very well," the voice said. "Choacho!
MIKE: That was the weirdest sneeze I've ever heard.
> Arm forward phasers and disruptors!"
> Captain Pickard turned to Ford and said, "Mr. Ford! Raise
>bounce-off shields!"
SERVO: What, they have the bubble shield from Sonic 3?
> "Fire," the voice said. On the main viewer, a streak of light
>headed toward the CENTERPRISE.
CROW: Oh, no. They're going to save the day in an unbelieveable
fashion again. Yay.
>
> "What was that?!" Georbe shouted after the ship rocked
[Mike does an air guitar]
MIKE: Rockin'!
BOTS: MIKE!
> back and forth.
> "It appears that we are being fired on," Statea said.
SERVO: Clearly he is a highly intelligent robot of the future!
> "Oh, great!"
> Just then, O'Cryin came in carrying another tray with weird
>things on it.
MIKE: That's fine. Don't bother with description. We don't care.
End please.
>"It took some time for Ten-Backward to come up with some android
>food," he said.
>
CROW: And with the punchline delivered the scene rides off into the
sunset, never to be performed again.
> "Shield status!" Captain Pickard screamed after the impact.
> "Shields at forty-one percent, sir!" the Klingfon said.
> "Fire torpegos," shouted the captain.
> "Firing torpegos."
SERVO: Cut! Print! Beautiful take, fellas!
> A bright red dot shot out of teh torpego compartment near
>enginehearing and floated towards the other ship.
MIKE: When you want to hear the engines to know that they're working,
come on down to Enginehearing. We've got the best engines in the
galaxy.
SERVO[fast radio announcer guy]: Patrons subject to liabilities upon
arrival. Our staff is in no way responsible and will deny seing you
if your body becomes disfigured in any way due to radiation seepage.
>Then, it bounced off of a circular dome covering the other ship.
> "Darn," said Captain Pickard. Their shields are better than
>ours!"
CROW: And so's their Shwartz!
SERVO: *That* was a shot in the dark.
> "Last chance!" said the voice.
MIKE: Hey, wait...don't non-descript guys get the ax in Star Trek?
>"Surrender the frog or we will destroy you."
> "Mr. Ford," said Captain Pickard, giving him a wink.
>"Prepare to steam the frog over to the other ship."
SERVO[Rick Moranis]: What are you preparing? You're always preparing!
Just go!
> Ford returned the wink. "Aye, sir."
CROW: Call me kooky, but I don't think that's in character.
> "Good," said the voice. "Fenton! Lower shields!"
MIKE: Blatherin' blatherskite!
> "That's just what I was waiting to hear. Mr. Ford! Fire
>torpegos!"
> "Nooooooo!" shouted the voice.
SERVO[voice]: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Aaaaaaaaauuuggghhh!!!
> Another torpego shot out of the CENTERPRISE toward the ship.
>When the torpego hit the other ship, the ship blew up.
MIKE: Oh. I guess I was right. Never mind.
>
> "Almost ready, chief!" Georbe said.
> "Good," came the chief's reply. "Prepare to steam me into the
>transmorpher control panel.
SERVO: Apparently the "Looking for Blueprints" subplot solved
itself already.
> "Okay," said Georbe. "Transmorphing now."
> The dust appeared, and Georbe said, "You know, chief, there's
>a good chance
CROW[Georbe]: ...that you haven't been dusted for some time.
> that this might not work."
> "What?!" said the chief, and he disappeared.
MIKE: The Amazing Rando and his disappearing sidekick, Chief!
>
>Chapter Four
SERVO: Please say this is the end.
MIKE: It's the last chapter.
CROW: How do you know?
MIKE: Um...I'm in league with the author?
SERVO: Right.
CROW: Suuuure, Nelson.
MIKE: I'll prove it. Hey, buddy, zap these two clowns for me,
would you?
[Why should I?]
MIKE: Um...because they don't believe.
[I'll make them believe.]
CROW and SERVO: We believe.
[They look at each other and run screaming out of the room.]
MIKE: That's not quite the effect I was hoping for.
[Just read the story.]
>
>"CAPTAIN'S LOG SUPPLEMENTAL. WE are now only
MIKE: ...hitting the CAPS LOCK button three times per hour.
> XV light years away from Frygel X, but there's a problem.
MIKE[Pickard]: We're only going IV light years per hour.
>The main transmorpher is broken, thanks to Chief O'Cryin, but he
>thinks he can fix it. Yeah, right.
MIKE: If you can't have confidence in your own transporpher chief,
who can you trust?
>Log entry complete. Captain Jean-Stoop Pickard out."
>
MIKE: Hey, could I get some riffers, please?
[Bill and Ted zap in.]
MIKE: Agh!
BILL: Rockin'!
[Ted does an air guitar.]
MIKE: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
[Bill and Ted disappear. Crow and Servo enter.]
CROW: Heh, heh, that was funny.
SERVO: Hey, Mike, we got control of the author's computer while he
was in the bathroom and we played with the story!
MIKE[still shaken]: Never do that again!
> O'Cryin steamed into the central part of the transmorpher.
>He realized that he was an inch too big, so he couldn't crawl through
>the finger holes in that part of the transmorpher.
CROW: What a stupid plot twist.
> "I'd better get to the secondary compartment," he thought.
> When he arrived there, he looked for the switched wires, but
>they couldn't be found. When he turned around, he saw a sign saying
>THRID COMPARTMENT.
SERVO: Very LOUD third compartment.
MIKE: Wait a second. If the author just told us he arrived in the
secondary compartment. How could he be in the thrid compartment?
CROW: Let's schedule an after-fanfic technobable conference.
>"Oops," he thought. "Wrong compartment."
>***
> "Ah, chief. You're back," said Captain Pickard. Did you find
>the wires?"
> "No, sir.
SERVO: Well, hurry it up! We've only got 3K left!
>I went into the third compartment by mistake. Then as I made my way
>into the main compartment again, I was steamed back here."
MIKE: This proves that annoying, low-ranking Irish people with funny
names are hopeless idiots.
> "I see," he said. "Now what'll we do?"
SERVO: BLAST IT!
MIKE: Servo, that's a running gag spaning half a year. Could you give
it a break?
> "I have an idea, sir," Statea finaly said after 3 pages.
>Why don't we just use the bubble's transmorpher to steam the frog
>down? O'Cryin can fix the main transmorpher later."
CROW: Great. The all-knowing Android came to the rescue, saving
these bumbling idiots from oblivion once again.
SERVO: I don't know how this crew could have survived seven years.
> "Hmm...that's a good idea, Statea."
> Suddenly, there was a beep on the captain's communeicator.
>"What is it, Ford?"
MIKE: And how could he know it was Ford calling?
SERVO: Apparently all the plot holes fall apart in the last chapter.
> "We are approaching Frygel X, sir," the Klingfon said.
> "Good we'll be right up. Come on, everybody. Let's go."
CROW: What, *everyone* is going up to the bridge?
>
> Back in the transmorpher room, O'Cryin opened the door to the
>transmorpher. "Uh-oh!" he thought. "The switching of the wires must
>have shorted out the whole system!" He looked at the melted inards.
SERVO: And he couldn't tell they were melted when he was inside the
thing?
>
> "Prepare to steam the frog down," the captain commanded to
>O'Cryin over the intercom. "And no atom-switching!"
MIKE[O'Cryin]: Awww...but daddy!
> "Yes, sir!" the chief said. He set the controls of the
>bubble's transmorpher for the site the captain had given him.
CROW: 24th Century bubbles are really techy.
> "He's steamed down, sir."
SERVO: Already?
CROW: It's an old theater technique; action through description.
> "Good, Chief. Now, about that transmorpher..."
> "Uh-oh," the chief thought. "Here it comes!"
[Mike stuffs cotton into the 'bots ears, but can't seem to find
them.]
MIKE: Uh, where are your ears?
CROW: Just forget it, Mike. We're not the fragile little tinker toys
we used to be.
> "WHY DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SCRAMBLING THE TRANSMORPHER?!
>NOW WE HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE, AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR
>CHRISTMAS BONUS! Have a nice day. Pickard out."
SERVO: Punchlines: nature's most tapped resource.
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.]
o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\
[SOL]
MIKE: Okay, number one: How can O'Cryin be reduced to ant size?
SERVO: Simple; the transmorpher is magic.
MIKE: Okay, then how can he be looking for the second compartment
when he was heading for the main compartment?
CROW: Because he's a really stupid foreigner.
MIKE: Crow, just because he's Irish doesn't mean he's stupid.
CROW: Of course not. He's just stupid.
MIKE: Alright...number three: Did Georbe and Statea ever find the
blueprints?
'BOTS: You should really just relax!
MIKE: Who didn't see that coming?
[Enterprise] Pearl is in the brig with Bobo and Observer.
PEARL: I can't believe you survived! When I showed it to these
knobs half the crew died and the captain threw us in the brig! Oh,
well. I can see we're not wanted here. Time to leave, White-Out.
OBSERVER: That's it? We just leave?
PEARL: I want to get out of here NOW.
OBSERVER: Yes, ma'am.
[Observer sound]
[VAN] Pearl and co. pop in.
PEARL: Looks like the endless chase is back on. Until next time,
Smellson.
[fade out]
[Mighty Science Theater]
MiSTing and fanfic written by: Jim Whaley
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
All Star Trek characters and situations are trademarks of Paramount Pictures.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
or Paramount is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission is seen as a
direct violation of material and is not allowed.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
all you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1999 by Jim Whaley
[stinger]
>"Are you still trying to convince me to let you borrow my dental floss?"
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
recent episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
301: The Neelix Claus part 3: The Starship Captain that Neelix Claus Forgot
302: For Whom the Gavel Pounds
303: Attention All Heavy Hitters
304: Star Speck: Toad of Honor
305: Problems with Pokemon
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site,
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Jim, that Mistie
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
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My next MiSTing: ep. 305-"Problems with Pokemon"
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***8 episodes left.***