Repost: [MiSTed] Orb Triple Take
bookw...@my-deja.com
also deals with Orbs. It's not completely *necessary* to
read this one before that one, but it helps.
---
[Season 10 theme, door sequence--you know what it is.]
[SOL bridge. Tom and Crow are reading a weekday edition of
Variety. Mike walks in.]
Mike: Howdy, folks, and welcome to the Satellite of Love again.
[sees Tom and Crow] You two reading? That's a rarity.
Tom: Tres amusant, Michael.
Mike: What is it?
Crow: The Friday Daily Variety. [Evidently in 'arms semi-
working' mode, he turns the page] Whoa--check it out!
It's the Save 'Babylon 5: Crusade' ad!
Mike: Ooh, let me see. [peers over Crow's shoulder]
Tom: Eh, I don't know why they're doing that.
Mike: What?
Crow: But Tom, you *liked* Babylon 5!
Tom: Yeah, but I'm not so fanatic about it that I can't live
without it.
Crow: But wouldn't you like to see more?
Tom: I suppose so...though the last season of B5 was kind of
a disappointment--
Crow: Not for me.
Tom: I know, I know. Anyway, I wouldn't like it if Crusade
was as disappointing. 'Sides, this is the second time a
Babylon 5 related project has been cancelled. Maybe it's
time for JMS to move on to some other project. And this
whole ad thing--c'mon, people sending in money, hundreds
of dollars in some cases, for something that's probably an
exercise in futility?
Crow: You never know--stranger things have happened.
Tom: Well, I'm just amazed at the lengths some people will go to
to try to save what is, ultimately, *just* a TV show.
Mike: Actually, with so few quality programs on right now, I think
it's neat to see that people will fight for those good shows.
Tom: Yeah, I suppose you've got a point there.
[Pause]
Tom: Anyone else get a funny feeling just now?
Crow: I sure did.
Mike: Me too. [commercial light flashes] We'll be right back.
[hits light] Boy, this is weird...
[Commercials. Why? Because we like you. We like you so much,
we want to invade every aspect of your lives. You don't mind,
do you?]
[Aaaaand...we're back.]
Mike: So you see, Tom, fan efforts can have an effect sometimes.
Tom: Maybe...but they do it even when it might be best to let
go--let those people get on with their lives.
Mike [sighing]: Wish *I* could get on with my life. [Mad's light
Starts flashing] Ahh, right on cue--it's Bonnie, Barry,
and Doug. [hits the light]
[Castle Forrester. Observer is pointing a video camera at Mrs.
Forrester and Bobo. All three are dressed in power suits,
though Bobo's is very ill-fitting.]
Mrs. F: Hello there, Nielsen. We don't have much time for chit-
chat. We've got a video conference soon to pitch a
television show--the first step in my latest evil plan!
[SOL]
Mike: Really? Who are you selling it to?
[Castle]
Mrs. F: Well...it's...Fox Kids.
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are snickering.]
Tom: Fox Kids? You'll be lucky if you can take over Ojai!
[Castle]
Mrs. F: Well, that's just the start! You see, Brain Guy and I
have been studying kids shows for some time now--
Bobo: I got to watch TV for days!
Mrs. F: That you did, Bobo, since you're *exactly* the type of
audience we're aiming for. Anyway, we've determined the
elements that contribute to the success of those annoying
kids shows, and we're going to combine *all* of them into
ours! Our show will be *insanely* popular! And with the
marketing plan we've developed, it won't be long before we
control the economy--and, ultimately, the whole country!
[SOL]
Crow: Didn't I see something like that on 'Pinky and the Brain'
once?
Mike: Do you think this is something we should worry about?
Tom: Naah. This *is* Pearl Forrester, after all.
[Castle]
Mrs. F: Thank you *so* much for that vote of confidence. To
keep you out of my hair while I set my plan in motion,
I'm sending you a couple pieces of newsgroup spam--all
about the discovery of voyeuristic aliens. And let me
know later if it happens to break your spirit. Send 'em
the good stuff, Brain Guy, and dial up those suits.
Observer: Will do, ma'am. [insert Brain Guy sound effects here]
[SOL]
Mike: Oh, joy of joys, we've got--
All: Spam Sign!
[Lights, shaking, door sequence--OK, so I'm being lazy today.]
[Mike and bots enter theater and sit down.]
> Forum: alt.fan.traci-lords,
Tom: She has fans?
> alt.dragons-inn
> Subject: Aliens Walk Among Us Unseen!!
Crow: And yet, we can prove their existence!
> Date: 1999/05/27
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
Mike: Wow, my home has suddenly become quite literate.
> UNUSUAL ANNOUNCEMENT ROCKS NEW JERSEY STATE GOVERNMENT,
Crow: The Mafia is moving to Key West!
> NASA AND LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT ORGANIZATIONS
Tom: That must be one *big* rocking chair, if it can hold all
of them.
>
> REMARKABLE DISCOVERY MADE BY SCIENTIFIC FIELD STUDY TEAM.
Mike: Vague, screaming headlines attempt to make up for lack of
content!
>
> NEW WEBSITE RELEASES PICTURES OF "INTERSTELLAR TELESCOPE"
Crow: It's an interstellar stare-down between a telescope and a
camera!
> PHENOMENON WATCHING HUMAN SOCIETY. HTTP://ORBSITE.COM
>
> W A R W I C K, N. Y. -- (INTERNET WIRE) --
Mike: Somehow, that just doesn't have the same believability as
"Washington, D.C. -- (AP)"
> 05/24/99 - In
> what may be the most unusual announcement in the history of
> the Internet,
Tom: Heh. What with Peter Arnett, the various Hale-Bopp groups,
and 5 million people with webcams, I rather doubt that.
> organizers of a new web domain,
> http://www.orbsite.com, indicated that they have filed papers
Crow: They're engaged in--secretarial work!
Mike: Truly amazing!
> with the US government alleging that ETs apparently have
> already FOUND HUMANITY.
Tom: Yeah, humanity's always in the last place you look.
>
> The organizers indicated they have no interest in
Crow: --directing this to people who actually give a hoot
about it.
> "spoiling
> the efforts of the
> Seti Institute@ Home project" on the eve of Seti's search
> using home PCs.
Mike: So the Pentium III chip is actually a radio telescope?
> [The organizers were also quick to advise
> that ORB SITE is not a hoax nor intended to be a satire, humor
> nor any other common form of Internet "spoof".]
Tom: Something tells me whoever wrote this has sent out 'Make
Money Fast' posts in the past.
>
> The Organizers of ORBSITE.COM (http://www.orbsite.com)
Mike: The term "organizers" is being used *very* loosely here.
> indicated that its Field Survey Team has discovered
> indisputable evidence that
Crow: --there are fields in the United States.
Tom: One team member even found a previously unknown field
adjacent to her backyard.
> ET is organizing daily observation
> patrols on Earth.
Mike: Well, his movie was a long time ago. He's got to keep busy
*somehow.*
> The ETs are said to use a very advanced
> interplanetary telescope technology to watch humanity
> "covertly". These "stealthy alien telescopes"
Crow: --keep goosing the Hubble. Poor thing.
> consist of an
> advanced energy device that can literally punch a hole in empty
> space and look through it,
Tom: Yes, but can it break out of a wet paper bag?
> bridging long distances ordinarily
> blocked from being spanned so quickly,
Mike: They're Speedy Dentists!
Crow: Yes, Speedy Dentists will install your bridgework in a
matter of minutes!
> by Einstein
> Relativity - the speed of light. The ET's, say a spokesperson,
Tom: A pity those coffee commercials fell through for Linda
Ellerby. I hate to see her plugging stuff like this.
> can reach across the light years between Earth and the Orion
> Nebula
Mike: Hey! Didn't anyone teach you ET's any table manners?
> in "a few seconds", using hundreds of these "remote
> telescope viewers".
Crow: "Random phrases" in "quotation marks" *really* "lend
credence" to a "loony post."
> Called "Orb Portals", ET's telescopes
> provide ET with
Tom: --ET's opportunities to play "Peeping ET" on ET's favorite
stars.
> remote camera observation of human
> affairs. The survey teams say ET is using the "Orbs" to monitor
> human activities everywhere on the surface of the globe.
Crow: So *that's* where Fox is getting all that footage for their
shows.
Mike: Incredible footage up next on "Amazing Jaywalkers!" Followed
by chilling stories and film on "When Mosquitoes Attack!"
>
> Web site organizers indicated they were not sure whether the
> ETs pose any threat to humanity.
Crow: Or just want to pose for Playboy.
Tom: Or Playgirl, as the case may be.
> When asked by local news
> personnel, the site management stated:
Crow: The Piscataway Picayune? You're the *only* ones who showed
up for our news conference?
> "We don't think this is a military invasion, but we
> do believe it represents an issue of Global Security Interest.
Tom: At newsstands everywhere.
> We believe that the US Government and the United Nations, and
> the People,
Mike: But aren't the People aliens themselves?
> should be make immediately aware of the presence
> of sentient life, even though they are quite distant, apparently,
> and viewing our activities from afar.
Tom [singing]: From a distance, the-here i-his haaaaarmonyyyy...
> We do believe they
> consider our war like tendencies to be inherently dangerous,
Crow: So these ET's have the power to figure out the obvious?
They *are* advanced!
> and that humanity is a very primitive species, but nonetheless
> worthy of scientific study."
Mike [as Observer]: You are as an amoeba to us.
Crow: Mike, you *promised* you wouldn't do that again!
Mike: Sorry. It just seems to come naturally.
>
> In an effort to provide a Public Information Service, visitors
> to HTTP://ORBSITE.COM
Tom: --will be told whether they are, in fact, currently in
public.
> can review a startling sampling of
> pictures taken by field study team leaders Bryan Williams and
> Sandra Rehl...
Crow: The paparazzi must be *really* starved for jobs after
Di's death.
>
> Additional photo studies are available for purchase from the
> study team by emailing site organizers.
Tom: Aha! *Now* we learn the true purpose of all this!
>
> The ORB SITE Field Study Team took pictures of "Orbs" at the
> primary entry point on Earth allegedly used by the ETs.
Mike: Ahh, guys? It's just a snowball fight.
> Located in Wanaque, New Jersey,
Tom: Hey, you wanna queue?
Crow: For 'Phantom Menace?' Sure.
> adjacent to a massive military
> defense complex, the study has fanned out to a large number of
> other places around the US where Orbs are apparently found
> "patrolling".
Mike: Police Academy 16: Orbs on Patrol!
>
> According to a local scientist hired to study the phenomena and
> the telescopic technology used by the ET's:
Tom: What kind of scientist?
Crow: Any kind. You know that's a feature of bad sci-fi movies
and alien conspiracy theories: any scientist can investigate
any kind of phenomenon.
> "said ET's,
Mike: Yes, you did.
> consisting of three primary sentient species,
Crow: So red, blue, and yellow are sentient? Cool.
> travel here
> from Orion, Andromeda and the Pleides Cluster. They can make
. their way to any particular location slightly above the Earth's
> surface.
Tom: So could I, actually, with my hoverskirt.
>
> They then move about under computer control.
Crow: Oh, the ET's are just trying to play Quake 3.
> The Orbs appear
> to be photographic reflection
Tom: Dang red-eye control.
> of the 'lens side' of the high
> energy telescopes
Mike: Come on, you telescopes! Show some energy! And...step and
one and kick and two and turn...
> being used, and are comprised of
> electromagnetic, infrared and gamma ray energy emanating from
> the point these advanced radio telescopes reach Earth."
Tom: Wait a sec. They're *radio* telescopes, and they emit
*infrared* energy?
Mike: I'm guessing this 'scientist' they hired majored in botany.
>
> The discoverers claim the Orb phenomena could be the near side
> of highly advanced Telescopes being used by "Aliens".
Crow: Sigorny Weaver just can't let that franchise go, can she?
> ET is
> apparently capable of using the Orbs as a communications
> technology as well as for studying humanity.
Tom: No more use for Speak'n'Says, I guess.
> The Team has
> been able to capture projected video images emitting from the
> Orb portals. "These unusual video images
Crow: Such as?
Mike: Bill Clinton rebuffing Monica, Dennis Rodman in a suit and
his *natural* hair color, and Jerry Falwell hugging
Tinky-Winky.
Crow: Yep, that's unusual.
> represent one of
> the strongest points of evidence for the Team
Tom: --to be committed immediately.
> concluding that
> the Orbs are under intelligent control and emanate from an
> Alien world" stated an ORBSITE.COM spokesperson.
Mike: --who, evidently, has never heard of Strunk and White.
>
> The field study team, dubbed "Team Orb", consists of Williams,
> Rehl and several other scientific phenomena investigators and
> several scientists.
Crow: And several psychics.
Tom: And several garbage men.
> Williams had originally discovered the
> Orbs accidentally while searching for evidence of locally
> reported "UFOs" in the Wanaque, N.J. area.
Crow: Just so long as it's not *his* area.
[Mike and Tom shudder.]
>
> Since his discovery,
Mike: ...Williams has been kept safe in a research lab at the
National Zoo. Zoologists believe he is a unique example
of ETus Orbus Gullibilium.
> the rapidly organized TEAM ORB has
> discovered the Orbs number and area of patrol has steadily
> increased. Williams and Rehl have filmed images of the Orbs as
> far south as Florida and as far west as Colorado.
Tom: They aren't using this to go on vacation with research money.
Not at all.
>
> For further information, visit ORBSITE.COM at
> http://www.orbsite.com.
Crow: Yeah, I'll tell you where you can site that orb...
> Subject: More about Aliens Moving Among Us Unseen
> Date: 1999/06/05
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
Mike: You know, I used to like the smell of lilacs...
> ABOUT THE NEW PHOTOGRAHIC STUDIES AT ORB SITE:
Crow: You mean his eyes?
Tom: No, Crow. That was orbs *of* sight.
Crow: Ooooh, yeah.
>
> http://www.orbsite.com
>
> Orb Site has brought humanity
Mike: ...lots and lots of laughter.
> the first widespread pictures
> of
Crow: ...Delta Burke, Roseanne, and James Doohan!
> Aliens from another world, observing humanity unseen, using
> the Orb Portal technology.
Tom: Sounds like someone's been reading a lot of Mercedes Lackey
lately.
> This advanced scientific phenomenon, has proven to allow these
> Aliens to roam
Mike: ...with the buffalo.
Tom: And play with the deer and the antelope.
> far and wide on earth without being observed.
>
> They could even be in our homes watching us right now!
Crow: Keep watching the ceilings! Keep watching the ceilings!
> In fact,
> you will find pictures on http://www.orbsite.com from people's
> homes, that show that these Aliens do like to watch us as work,
> at play, at home, night and day...
Mike: So humanity's just one big 'Real World' marathon?
Tom: That would explain a lot, actually...
>
>
> *** A Message from Bryan Williams/ Sargel18
Crow [as Bryan]: Get out! The calls are coming from inside the
Orbs!
>
> I would like to thank the many letters from everyone
Tom: So he's thanking the letters, not the people?
Mike: That's what the guy said.
Tom: Ooooookay.
> requesting
> more evidence
Crow [as Bryan]: ...that I am not an escaped mental patient.
Unfortunately, I've left that documentation in my other Orb.
> from the Wanaque Vortex. So, here are a few PICS
> from level two which I call, "Orbs in Motion."
Tom: That's dirty!
Crow: Yeah! I'm starting to like this guy.
> What happens a
> lot at the vortex is
Tom: ...hot Norwegian babes being chased by a sea serpent?
Mike: Not that kind of vortex. Unfortunately.
> the "orbs" will hide just out of our sight
> and watch our movements. every now and then we catch one by
> surprise and for a lack of a better word,
Crow: You've been lacking better words for some time now.
> scare it into motion.
Tom: That's a better word?
Mike: In a phrase, yes.
> When this happens the Orb takes off at an incredible speed
Crow: Ludicrous Speed, even!
> and the motion is caught on film. Now remember the duration of
> the motion is the duration of a camera flash. (Jack you put
> your science stuff here)
Tom: [as Bryan]: Any old science stuff. Like the rubes who take
this seriously will know the difference.
> I'm not sure yet why the orbs take
> off when we come physically close.
Mike: Maybe they're afraid of intimacy.
Crow [sotto voce]: You oughta know.
> One guess is that some
> people have experienced an electrical charge when coming close
> to these orbs.
Tom: I guess those orbs like to scuff their feet on a carpet.
> So here are some new level two PICS and remember
> we are just beginning!
[All]: Nooooooo!
>
> -- Bryan Williams/Sargel18
Crow: Is that his D&D nickname or something?
>
> See the pictures at http://www.orbsite.com ...
Tom: Hear the snickering of those reading over your shoulder!
Mike: Feel your sides ache as you laugh your head off!
>
> With thousands of new photographic studies and videos to
> follow!!
Crow: Seems like an awful lot to go through for lens flares.
>
> TEAM ORB
> c/o www.orbsite.com
Tom: Once again, that's Team Orb, Pueblo, Colorado, 60609.
Mike [starting to stand up]: Looks like that's it, guys. Let's
blow this pudding-pop stand.
Mrs. F. [voiceover]: Not so fast, Nel-slip! Brain Guy found
another post over on alt.religion. Believe it or not, they
think the Vatican can legitimize their claims! You'd better
say your Hail Marys before reading this one!
Mike [sitting down and sighing]: Ter-*riffic.*
> Forum: alt.religion
> Subject: Papal Visit Offered by Aliens visiting the US???
Tom: Since when did aliens get hold of the Pope?
Mike: That's not what he means...
Tom: But that's what is *says.* It's as clear as...as my head!
Crow: Which actually *isn't,* right now.
Tom: True.
> Date: 1999/06/12
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
Crow: Lilac's at home? Can he come out and play?
> American Computer Company's CEO Sponsors and Commences an
> Initiative to Introduce the Beings of Light to the Vatican:
Tom: Beings of Light? What, is this guy on a first-name basis
with them now?
Crow: And why the heck would he want to show lens flares to the
Vatican?
>
> <li>Expanding initiative,
Mike: No, that's just your waistline.
> to extend to other religions, world
> governments and business organizations... </li>
Crow: A $100,000 credit limit.
>
> [June 8, 1999] C R A N F O R D, N. J.
Tom: C R A N B E R R Y, O. S.
Mike: O.S.?
Tom: Ocean Spray.
Mike: Ahh.
> For Immediate Distribution.
Mike: And even more immediate disposal.
>
> Website: http://www.orbsite.com
>
> During the course of the past year, the Vatican has maintained
> an ecumenical committee to investigate the presence of
> extraterrestrials.
Crow: Uh, huh. With all that's happening in the Middle East,
the former Yugoslavia, and other world trouble spots,
they're spending time and money on this. Sure.
>
> Recently, Monsignior Carlo Balducci announced, to the public,
Tom: As opposed to announcing to himself?
> on behalf of the Vatican, and the Pope, to the clergy, public
> and congregations / archdiocese,
Crow: Stop with the Shatner impression already! Yeesh!
> that Aliens were "real", that
> they were not "demons" or "devils",
Mike: They are, however, incubi.
> and that they should be
> treated as, if I understand the meaning of his message,
Crow: Heck, we can't understand *your* message! Would you lay
off those commas?!
> as
> "God's children", just like humanity.
Tom: A period! He actually got to a period!
[All cheer.]
> Similar announcements,
> of a more scientific orientation,
Tom: Ooooo, someone's gonna reveal their scientific orientation.
Crow: I guess that means he, or she, is coming out of the test
tube.
> had previously been issued
> to the public by General Valerie Alexayev,
Tom: [as Nick from 'Family Ties']: Yo, Valerie.
> head of the Russian
> Federation Electronic Space Command.
Mike: For Super NES.
>
> Yesterday, on behalf of TEAM ORB, a spokesperson, Jack A.
> Shulman wrote (through Dr. Richard Boylan,
Crow: Whoa, Jack *possessed* Dr. Boylan? Why don't you tell us
about *that?*
Tom: Yeah, that'd be a lot more interesting.
> who had received a
> direct correspondence from the Vatican and Msgr. Carlo Balducci)
Crow: Sorry, Lilac. That still doesn't impress us.
> a bold inquiry to the Vatican and Monsignor Balducci;
Tom: You sold your barbeque sauce to the Vatican, Mike?
Mike: Well, I had to do *something* to clear up all those charges
you put on my credit cards.
> and
> requested that the Pope and any other dignitaries from the
> Vatican be afforded an opportunity
Crow: Hey, if they've got the money to set up a committee about
extraterrestrials, I think they can afford an opportunity.
> to meet with the "Beings of
> Light", ambassadors from the world of the Orbs, who have, by
> agreement, arranged
Mike: ...and assented, and consented, and allowed themselves to be
persuaded...
> to follow Team Orb to the Vatican or a
> pre-arranged meeting location, using the Orb Portals as a
> conveyance from their world.
Tom: So would those Orbs be carry-on luggage, or would they have
to be checked?
>
> The Orb beings's ambassadors apparently have agreed to travel
> with Bryan Williams and Sandra Rehl
Tom: Road trip! Whooo!
Mike: Dude, let's stop at the AM/PM!
> to meet with any legitimate
> government or business organization
Crow: Well, *that* narrows down the possibilities a lot.
> or dignitaries from any
> Government and/or religion,
Mike: Government *and* religion?
Tom: He must think we're still in the Middle Ages.
> upon request and to discuss the
> various aspects of a relationship with Humanity
Tom: So just send 'em to Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Crow: Or Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
> and to submit
> themselves to "inspection, examination and study"
Mike: All right! Round up those alien abduction victims!
Crow [as victim]: It's payback time.
> to afford
> Humanity an opportunity to convince itself that they are real.
Tom: So Humanity needs to be convinced that its members are real?
> The Orb "Beings of Light" have asserted to scientists, studying
> the unusual phenomena, that they are from a planet near the Orion
> Nebula, a distant Solar System some 36 light years distant.
[All laugh out loud.]
Crow: What's wrong with this sentence? Let us count the ways...
Mike: Number 1: The Orion Nebula consists of a region of star
formation, and an emission nebula that is excited by the
young luminous stars. It is *not* a solar system.
Tom: Number 2: The Orion Nebula lies some 1500 light years from
Earth, not 36.
Crow: Conclusion: These "Beings of Light," if they exist, have all
the scientific knowledge of tofu. Or an American high-school
grad.
>
> Mr. Shulman indicated that
Tom: ...he'd finally found the legendary city of Troy.
Mike: No, that's Schliemann.
> according to the study team, the
> "Beings of Light", as they call themselves,
Crow: Not quite as pithy as "Peeping Orbs," but...
> are interested in
> humanity leaving behind its war like ways
Tom: If you love your war-like ways, let them go...
> and begin to grow
> and expand its other gifts, and efforts aimed towards the
> preservation of all life on Earth and the biological stability
> of Earth, itself.
Crow: Ah, Lilac...I'd worry more about *your* stability.
>
> The offer has been likewise, as of this morning, extended to or
> is in the process of being extended to a wide embrasure
Mike: They're talking to Anderson Windows?
> of
> other Religions, and to the Governments, Businesses and
> Scientific Organizations and Agencies of the World.
Tom: Look, why don't you just admit you're trying to spam everyone
in the world and get it over with?
>
> The offer includes bringing the Orbs, who have agreed to follow
> Team Orb
Crow: Hey Mom! This Orb followed me home. Can I keep it?
> as far and as wide as may be neccessary, for study
> and interaction with, to any such legitimate organization's
> premises.
Mike: Hey, Best Brains is a legitimate organization! Why not go
there and be MiSTed live?
Tom: Best who?
Mike: Ahhh...never mind.
> Travel Expenses for TEAM ORB, in the case of
> Government or Business organizations, shall be borne by the
> requesting party, a spokesperson indicated.
Crow: Aha! Now we know the real motive behind all this! Free
travel!
>
> The company indicated that all bona fide requests to meet the
> Orbs will be accepted. It was specified that the company,
Crow: The Electric Company?
Tom: The Gas Company?
Mike: 'Thomas Crown and Company?'
Tom and Crow: Huh?
Mike: The alternate title of 'The Thomas Crown Affair.'
Crow: You're really going for the obscure stuff today, Mike.
Mike: Well, people have been complaining about the intellectual
level of our jokes lately.
Crow: Eh, let 'em suffer.
Tom: Yeah! I mean, with these text MiSTings, we've got lots of
time to think up hilarious, obscure jokes. With the movies,
though, we've got to think on our feet, with all those
scenes and dialog zipping by--
Mike: Tom, Tom, Tom. If you're going to break the fourth wall,
at least be *consistent* about it! Sheesh.
> whose Educational Web Publications division has recently taken
> up the cause of the Orb discovery in Northern New Jersey and that
> of TEAM ORB,
Crow: ...which was creamed in the first round of the Women's Soccer
World Cup.
> which has been studying it for several years, that
> those who have met the Orb Beings have had a much easier time,
> first hand, accepting their existence as real, and coming to
> understand the mission of these alleged ambassadors from a
> distant world.
Crow: Wait a sec...even *lilac* is admitting that these things
are alleged?
[Tom mutters to himself.]
Mike: Tom? You okay?
Tom: I give up. Readers, I defy you to read that sentence and
tell me *what,* exactly, was specified about the company.
[Mike pats Tom onna head.]
>
> The company requests that TEAM ORB be contacted by advice,
Crow: Oh, I've got *plenty* of advice for ya--mostly about the
various places you can stick this spam.
> to the offices of TEAM ORB, in writing of any requested visit,
> at 6 Commerce Drive, Suite 2000, Cranford, NJ 07016,
Tom: Mail bombs away!
> who
> provides TEAM ORB with a liaison office for said purpose.
> ACC's phone number is 908-272-3330.
Crow: *Voice* mail bombs away! Muahahaha!
> ACC
Mike: ACC?
Tom: A Crazy Cookie.
Mike: Ahh.
> is found on the
> internet at http://www.accpc.com .
>
> ORB SITE is found on the Internet at http://www.orbsite.com .
>
All: We know, we know!
[Mike picks up Tom, and they exit the theater.]
[Door sequence]
[SOL bridge. Mike and the bots stand at the desk. As Mike
speaks, a few different-colored orbs of light, rather like
what Mike and the bots looked like as pure energy, start
gathering around.]
Mike: Can you believe all that? What some people will do to
get...attention... [Mike looks around and sees the orbs.]
Ummm...you guys know anything about this?
Tom: Well...they're friends of ours. From when we all were pure
energy. They followed us back here to Earth.
Mike: Let me guess. *These* are what those posts were talking
about?
Crow: Ahhhh...yes. They've been playing some pranks down on
Earth.
Mike: And why didn't you say anything?
Tom: Well, when we realized what the posts were about, we were
afraid to say anything, since it meant we were partially
responsible for that awful spam.
Crow: Yeah, we thought you'd be upset.
Mike: No, I'm not upset. You couldn't have known what would
happen.
Crow: Thanks, Mike. You're a real pal!
Tom: Hey, let me introduce you. The blue orb is Manuel, the red
one is Alasya, and the yellow one is Mnrtl Blhrg. Guys,
this is Mike Nelson.
Manuel: Nice to meet you, Mike.
Alasya: Salutations.
Mnrtl: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mike: Wow, you guys can talk?
Alasya: Sure. That whole communicating through images thing is
part of the joke.
Mnrtl: Yeah, I can't believe how gullible you humans are.
Manuel: Well, *I'm* not. Not anymore, anyway.
Mnrtl: Oh, yeah? How come I can still fool you with that 'Your
shoelace is untied' thing?
Mike: Huh?
Mnrtl: Well, metaphorically speaking.
[Mad's light begins flashing.]
Mike: Guess we'd better see how Mrs. F's pitch is going. [taps
the Rockies...err...the light]
[Castle]
[Mrs. Forrester is talking to the video camera Observer is
holding. Bobo stands next to her. He's no longer wearing a
suit, but instead has a pair of foam-covered, chartreuse rabbit
ears on his head, a chartreuse body suit, and istrying--and
failing--to twirl a hula hoop. The Castle's main room now
looks like something PeeWee Herman would have rejected as too
bizarre even for *him.* A TV monitor, just visible to our
point of view, shows a couple of TV executives.]
Mrs. F: So. You've seen the set, you've heard the concept,
you've seen what my partners can bring to the show. What
do you think?
1st executive: Sounds to me like you've got a potential smash hit
on your hands, Mrs. Forrester. We'll just need to discuss
a few points for the contract, but I think we're ready to
do business.
2nd executive: And this marketing plan of yours is sheer genius!
You're definitely going to be taking the country by storm.
Mrs. F: Wonderful! [She leans out of the view of Observer's
video camera] Ha! In your face, Nelson!
[SOL]
Tom: Uh, oh...
Crow: Who'da thought she'd get something right for once?
Mike: We'd better do something, guys. [ponders for a moment]
Hmmm...hey, Manuel--can you guys change your size? Or
even make yourselves more solid?
Manuel: Sure thing! We can even call in the rest of our
friends--sounds like you're planning a *great* joke!
Mike: That I am...here's the deal.
[Mike, the bots, and the orbs huddle around. Various whispers,
and occasional sniggers, are heard from them all. Finally,
they break the huddle.]
Mike: You know what to do, then?
Alaysa: Sure thing! This is going to be *fun!*
Tom: Just be sure you *don't* destroy the world.
Mike: There was no need to bring that up, Tom.
Crow: Hey, with *you* planning things, it's best to make sure.
Mnrtl: Don't worry. Just leave everything to us!
[The orbs disappear.]
[Castle]
[Mrs. Forrester is deep in discussion with the TV execs, pacing
as she talks. The orbs appear behind her, then swoop down
toward the floor. Suddenly, Mrs. F.'s legs shoot out from
under her, and she lands heavily on the floor.]
Mrs. F: Ow! What the...
1st executive: Now, now, Mrs. Forrester. You don't need to show
us your material anymore. We're sold!
[Mrs. F. clambers painfully to her feet. More and more orbs
appear behind her and settle to the floor. It's not long
before the room looks like one of those ball playrooms you see
in McDonalds playgrounds, and Mrs. F. and Bobo are flailing
around in them.]
2nd executive: Mrs. Forrester, if we can't conduct these
negotiations in a business-like manner, I'm afraid we
can't conclude this contract after all.
Mrs. F: Wait! This isn't--
[Two orbs float up above her head. They enlarge and turn black,
looking for all the world like Mickey Mouse ears.]
1st executive: That's it! It's obvious you're not taking this
seriously! Goodbye, Mrs. Forrester. And don't bother
trying to pitch to anyone else--we'll make sure you'll
*never* be able to get nation-wide exposure!
[Their monitor goes black.]
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are laughing uproariously.]
[Castle]
[Mrs. F. flails through almost head-deep plastic balls closer to
our point-of-view camera. Only two heaving piles of balls
indicate the positions of Bobo and Observer.]
Mrs. F: I don't know how you did this, Nelson, but I'll make sure
you *pay* for it! Brain Guy!
Observer [muffled]: Yes, madam?
Mrs. F: Get us out of this mess, and then search the web for
something *really* horrible. A Care Bears/Teletubbies
crossover, or some Brother Cadfael slash. Anything that'll
*really* put the hurt on that satellite rat of mine!
Observer [muffled]: Anything you say, madam. [His pile of balls
heaves a bit more violently.]
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are more sober.]
Tom: You don't think such fics *really* exist, do you?
Mike: For the sake of our sanity, I hope not.
Crow: Well, until we find out...let's enjoy the show!
Mike and Tom: Yeah!
\ | /
\ | /
- - - O - - -
/ | \
/ | \
Fwoosh!
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc.
Posted material is by li...@home.com. All rights reserved.
[Quick shot of Castle Forrester main room. All we can see are
multi-colored balls.]
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody and commentary purposes only. No infringement on such
material is intended. Honest!
[Another shot of the room. Bobo somehow flails up into view.]
Bobo: Lawgiver? Brain Guy? I can't...hold out...much...longer...
[He sinks back under.]
No personal insults are intended toward anything or anyone. It's
more a gentle reminder to lilac to send his posts only to those
who might be interested.
[Last shot of room. Bobo's hand reaches out of the balls, then
slowly disappears back under them.]
This MiSTing copyright 1999 by Sarah Heiner. It may be copied,
reposted, or distributed, so long as it is not altered.
> It was specified that the company, whose Educational Web
> Publications division has recently taken up the cause of
> the Orb discovery in Northern New Jersey and that of TEAM ORB,
> which has been studying it for several years, that those who
> have met the Orb Beings have had a much easier time, first hand,
> accepting their existence as real, and coming to understand
> the mission of these alleged ambassadors from a distant world.
---
Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner MSTie #53681
bookw...@my-deja.com Arizona State University
www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/elfin/521/index.html
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.